Male friend (the best I have)wants some space from me :(

[GalWithNiceGuyFriend]

Hello everyone

I need some advice/answers/hard-truths etc.

 

My guy friend whom I have known for close to a decade recently told me he needs space. My story is here so I don't want to bore you up with the details again.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/539027-i-want-more-than-just-sex-flirting-good-bit-slow-women-good-men

 

We have dated different people in the past. He has had stronger and better relationships (I have been the subject of being cheated on and being taken for granted etc. Nothing to write home about). I have been going through some sadness in my life this year and he has stood by me. One day, I insinuated in a text that I like him more than a friend (I meant it, I just couldn't find stronger words for it). After my revelation, he said he is confused, he asked for space after 2 weeks and apologised for being 'too busy' for me. I am hurt. I don't know what to think. He insists it's not anything I have done, but deep down I think he is avoiding me. Is this another clear case of "he is just not that into you?"

 

Feedback would be great. I can handle hard truths. I am just confused by the 'I am not saying I don't want to talk to you or be your friend, I just need space to deal with some stuff'. Why not just be clear when rejecting? I was worried about losing him as a friend by saying I like him. I feel like that's what has just happened and it really makes me sad

 

Feedback from mature people, please.

[Samhain]

Yeah I think he's freaked out by your revelation. Was there some sign he gave you that made you think that was a good idea or did you just need to get it out?

[Glitters]

Its THE risk one takes when expressing feelings for a friend. Its better because now you can move on and not have hopes.You have lost a friend but it was part of the deal.

[ExpatInItaly]

He doesn't feel the same way, and doesn't want to lead you on by staying close right now. Perhaps he thinks you've misinterpreted his friendly gestures to you and he doesn't want to risk that again.

 

He might indeed continue to be friends with you but I wouldn't expect him to be as close as he was before. Respect his wishes for space, hard as that may be.

 

How exactly did you word your revelation to him, OP?

[GalWithNiceGuyFriend]

Yeah I think he's freaked out by your revelation. Was there some sign he gave you that made you think that was a good idea or did you just need to get it out?

 

 

He never approved of my last attempt to date. He has always done guy things for me. Moving, fixing things etc. We shared a lot emotionally in the past, especially about his latest girlfriend (they broke up) and my failed 'relationship' (it was not really a relationship), his work, my work, depressive family stuff etc. He always tells me I deserve better. That I'm a good person and I always settle for less, making excuses for people who don't deserve me. He lectured me a number of times to 'let the idiot go'. I see now that he was right right from the beginning (I was too into the guy to see my friend's sense).

 

When I did tell him I have stopped trying, he seemed genuinely happy. We started spending too much time together and I mistook that for interest. I was madly attracted to him (I still am) but I never really said that exactly. We basically share everything but sexual contact. I have never made a move, and he has never made one either. Then I made the comment and ruined everything.

[GalWithNiceGuyFriend]

He doesn't feel the same way, and doesn't want to lead you on by staying close right now. Perhaps he thinks you've misinterpreted his friendly gestures to you and he doesn't want to risk that again.

 

He might indeed continue to be friends with you but I wouldn't expect him to be as close as he was before. Respect his wishes for space, hard as that may be.

 

How exactly did you word your revelation to him, OP?

 

I said 'I think I am getting a little too fond of you'.

 

We have argued quite negatively via text (never face-to-face) for the first time. He said asking for space isn't too much to ask, that it's not permanent, that he's sorry for being selfish, that I have done nothing wrong etc. But I just feel avoided. He has never been too busy for me. Not like this. He won't take me off his social media even though I asked him to, because I too need to move on We have been arguing since then.

[Qboro90]

I think the best move for you to do and it's going to be difficult, is to give him the space he's asking for and don't pry and try to uncover what it is that's behind his request. No guy likes having to be prodded about why they want a little time and it backfires if a girl keeps doing it because we usually get a little resentful that the girl increases her presence wanting to find out when in fact it would benefit her to leave us alone.

 

Leave him alone and it will benefit you long term. He might need to work out another romantic interest he was either pursuing or interested in and when you revealed your feelings it threw him for a loop. Keep in mind that he could perhaps have feelings for you. Judging by the closeness you and him had I'm inclined to say that he has some kind of feelings for you that go past just friends. However you must understand that it's not just a simple decision for him to say that he likes you as well and wants to see if you might have something more by giving dating/hooking up a shot.

 

The reason why? - if he returns those feelings and you and him start seeing one another it's not going to be just a casual thing with no consequences. He probably sees that if he starts getting involved with you it's going to be a serious thing and he probably wasn't thinking about his life going that way at this exact time. Maybe he sees a possible long term relationship with you and he's weighing if that's something he's ready to jump right into and commit to at this point. Plus he probably knows that if you do get together and date, your friendship will never be the same and likely won't continue if your relationship doesn't work out for whatever reason.

 

So it's not just a simple decision for him. It's the next year, years, of his life that he's all of a sudden looking at and needing to decide. I realize that might sound like more than you think it is, but just trying to elaborate and give you a reason why he might need to strongly think about this and not include you because he realizes that explaining that thought process is more than you're asking for and he doesn't want to convey too much to bug you out.

 

The less you contact him the better. Odds are that the longer you go without talking the more he'll see how important you are to his life and how he wants you to be a part of it . The only way to have him see that is to not be present and available in his life right now as odd as that sounds.

 

 

Now that's the glass half full scenerio... There's also a possibility that this isn't something he wants and he's trying to tell you that by his needing space rather than hurt your feelings and tell you directly. You know the type of person he is better than anyone here so you'd know more than us.

 

If there's another crush in his life that he has that's another possibility. He might know he likes you but also be previously crushing on another girl he wants to pursue and telling you that will make it sound like your option B.

[smackie9]

I think you should give it some time. No one can say for sure he isn't interested. People respond differently to news like this. It's possible he feels the same way but is in shock, freaked out, or in disbelief and needs time to process.

 

So give him space. I doubt he is going to ignore you forever.

[preraph]

He isn't interested. He was fine being a friend, but once you confessed you have feelings, he's outta here. If he was interested or ever been harboring feelings, he'd have, number one, asked you out on a real date long ago, and 2, jumped on you as soon as you said you cared. I'm afraid this friendship is now doomed. Don't make things more awkward by having to "talk it out" with him. He doesn't want that, which is why he now said he "needs space." Just leave him alone and move on. It's done.

[GalWithNiceGuyFriend]

I think the best move for you to do and it's going to be difficult, is to give him the space he's asking for and don't pry and try to uncover what it is that's behind his request. No guy likes having to be prodded about why they want a little time and it backfires if a girl keeps doing it because we usually get a little resentful that the girl increases her presence wanting to find out when in fact it would benefit her to leave us alone.

 

Leave him alone and it will benefit you long term. He might need to work out another romantic interest he was either pursuing or interested in and when you revealed your feelings it threw him for a loop. Keep in mind that he could perhaps have feelings for you. Judging by the closeness you and him had I'm inclined to say that he has some kind of feelings for you that go past just friends. However you must understand that it's not just a simple decision for him to say that he likes you as well and wants to see if you might have something more by giving dating/hooking up a shot.

 

The reason why? - if he returns those feelings and you and him start seeing one another it's not going to be just a casual thing with no consequences. He probably sees that if he starts getting involved with you it's going to be a serious thing and he probably wasn't thinking about his life going that way at this exact time. Maybe he sees a possible long term relationship with you and he's weighing if that's something he's ready to jump right into and commit to at this point. Plus he probably knows that if you do get together and date, your friendship will never be the same and likely won't continue if your relationship doesn't work out for whatever reason.

 

So it's not just a simple decision for him. It's the next year, years, of his life that he's all of a sudden looking at and needing to decide. I realize that might sound like more than you think it is, but just trying to elaborate and give you a reason why he might need to strongly think about this and not include you because he realizes that explaining that thought process is more than you're asking for and he doesn't want to convey too much to bug you out.

 

The less you contact him the better. Odds are that the longer you go without talking the more he'll see how important you are to his life and how he wants you to be a part of it . The only way to have him see that is to not be present and available in his life right now as odd as that sounds.

 

 

Now that's the glass half full scenerio... There's also a possibility that this isn't something he wants and he's trying to tell you that by his needing space rather than hurt your feelings and tell you directly. You know the type of person he is better than anyone here so you'd know more than us.

 

If there's another crush in his life that he has that's another possibility. He might know he likes you but also be previously crushing on another girl he wants to pursue and telling you that will make it sound like your option B.

 

Thank you for this elaborate response. I will respect his decision and leave him alone. I wish he would tell me if he at the very least has those other feelings for me. It would put my mind and heart at peace. With this guy, it's not just the sex I want. He is too important to me to see 'just sex' in him. Which is why him avoiding me really hurts me (I miss his friendship, chatting about life's challenges etc).

 

What do you guys think about keeping him on social media? It's distracting, which is why I asked him to take me off. I don't know whether I should do it instead (it's hard to, but I don't want to be distracted in my dealing with this big loss in my life. It really pains me to lose a friend like him).

[GalWithNiceGuyFriend]

I think you should give it some time. No one can say for sure he isn't interested. People respond differently to news like this. It's possible he feels the same way but is in shock, freaked out, or in disbelief and needs time to process.

 

So give him space. I doubt he is going to ignore you forever.

 

Thank you. I will back off. Would you keep someone like this on your social media contacts? I don't really know what to do.

[GalWithNiceGuyFriend]

He isn't interested. He was fine being a friend, but once you confessed you have feelings, he's outta here. If he was interested or ever been harboring feelings, he'd have, number one, asked you out on a real date long ago, and 2, jumped on you as soon as you said you cared. I'm afraid this friendship is now doomed. Don't make things more awkward by having to "talk it out" with him. He doesn't want that, which is why he now said he "needs space." Just leave him alone and move on. It's done.

 

As sad as it makes me, this is what I think, deep down. Which is what's causing issues and arguments now. I want him off my online network. I asked him to remove me. He refuses to.

[anna121]

I would mute him on social media rather than unfriend at this point. If that is not possible then yes, block him. You can always send a brief, kind message explaining why.

[Qboro90]

Thank you. I will back off. Would you keep someone like this on your social media contacts? I don't really know what to do.

 

Personally I think it's a childish move to remove people from social media and/or delete their contact if we get in a argument or breakup. Once they see that you've removed or blocked them they'll have the natural "eye roll" reaction and think you're immature.

 

You're not looking at Fb constantly. It's your job to control yourself so if you can't avoid looking at someone's Fb activity then that doesn't bode well for future relationships.

[GalWithNiceGuyFriend]

Admin has moved my question to 'Friends and Lovers' but I think it should be under 'Dating'.

 

Admin please, kindly correct this as I need dating advice more than anything else? My guy friend is not a friend with benefits. I VERY VERY MUCH wish he was my lover though :-)

[Cephalopod]

He isn't interested. He was fine being a friend, but once you confessed you have feelings, he's outta here. If he was interested or ever been harboring feelings, he'd have, number one, asked you out on a real date long ago, and 2, jumped on you as soon as you said you cared. I'm afraid this friendship is now doomed. Don't make things more awkward by having to "talk it out" with him. He doesn't want that, which is why he now said he "needs space." Just leave him alone and move on. It's done.

 

Or it is the opposite.

 

He has had feelings for the OP, secretly, from a distance for a long time, but she never showed interest in him until she had exhausted all other suitors. I wonder if he feels like he is being settled for. Maybe he feels like she is finally turning to him because he is safe and a sure bet.

 

No guy wants to be settled for.

[GalWithNiceGuyFriend]

Or it is the opposite.

 

He has had feelings for the OP, secretly, from a distance for a long time, but she never showed interest in him until she had exhausted all other suitors. I wonder if he feels like he is being settled for. Maybe he feels like she is finally turning to him because he is safe and a sure bet.

 

No guy wants to be settled for.

 

 

Maybe, but please note he never showed any particular interest in me. If he had, I would be his and only his, instantly. He means a lot to me. He was the first person I told about the love interest that didn't work out. I told him how unsure I was because the guy was not stable with me (mixed signals, blowing hot and cold).

 

Men usually have all the power in the world to make first, very clear moves. We ladies don't. I am one example of the consequences of making the first move. Never mind that this is no stranger to me. Last time we talked (argued), I told him how this fall-out has affected me so seriously, that I have lost his closeness and that's what hurts me most. He never responded to that. So hurtful.

[CVnine]

Sorry to hear about your situation. It honestly sounds like he is uncomfortable or doesn't quite know how to handle your revelation to him that you have feelings for him.

 

One thing I would recommend doing is you could text him or call him, and just make it clear that if he doesn't have mutual feelings, you are completely fine with continuing your close friendship. You understand he needs time but you still want to maintain a good friendship as it is important to you. It may seem like you have already done this, but it can't hurt to reinforce this directly with him. That is, if you are completely fine with maintaining a platonic friendship with him.

 

I am in the same situation as you right now. A recently developed feelings for a long time female best friend. It was driving me crazy not telling her how I felt, I finally told her. She has been in a rocky relationship the last 6 months but things have gotten better as of recent so my timing was pretty bad.

 

The one difference is, she has made it clear she wants to still maintain a close friendship with me. I have told her I do need a little more time but I want the same thing. She has given me that time but she also keeps checking up with me.

 

I hope this also happens in your case. If it can't work romantically, at least you want to preserve a close friendship.

 

I have went full swing back into the dating game, this really has helped me get over this. If you haven't, I would recommend you do the same. Its the only way you can truly move on. It makes no sense to just stand at a door waiting for something that may never happen.

[GalWithNiceGuyFriend]

Sorry to hear about your situation. It honestly sounds like he is uncomfortable or doesn't quite know how to handle your revelation to him that you have feelings for him.

 

One thing I would recommend doing is you could text him or call him, and just make it clear that if he doesn't have mutual feelings, you are completely fine with continuing your close friendship. You understand he needs time but you still want to maintain a good friendship as it is important to you. It may seem like you have already done this, but it can't hurt to reinforce this directly with him. That is, if you are completely fine with maintaining a platonic friendship with him.

 

I am in the same situation as you right now. A recently developed feelings for a long time female best friend. It was driving me crazy not telling her how I felt, I finally told her. She has been in a rocky relationship the last 6 months but things have gotten better as of recent so my timing was pretty bad.

 

The one difference is, she has made it clear she wants to still maintain a close friendship with me. I have told her I do need a little more time but I want the same thing. She has given me that time but she also keeps checking up with me.

 

I hope this also happens in your case. If it can't work romantically, at least you want to preserve a close friendship.

 

I have went full swing back into the dating game, this really has helped me get over this. If you haven't, I would recommend you do the same. Its the only way you can truly move on. It makes no sense to just stand at a door waiting for something that may never happen.

 

Thank you. You are handling your situation better and I think the lady is being very understanding to you.

 

Although I am more sad about the fallout than the unclear rejection, I am not sure it is a crush I feel. I think I have always had a thing for him, I think I just never paid attention to it and focused on the other guy. He continuously disapproved of the guy, but was also mature the whole time (he knows the guy to some degree). At some point he was even acting as my third eye with the guy, telling me where he is etc). Mid this year, he went a notch higher on the disapproval and told me he no longer wants to hear about the guy as I already know his thoughts about the guy. He said the guy will never commit and will always be childish. I told him it didn't matter anymore, as I had stopped trying to work things out some months ago. I admitted that he had been right the whole time. He was very pleased. This is where my admiration for him got the better of me (we were talking more and spending a lot of time together).

 

But his refusal to cut off online links with me is frustrating. I still don't have the strength to do the 'cut off' myself (I think he knows this). I have managed to stay off his phone, which is hard. I know in the long run I will be able to keep off online contact as well. Right now it's still too hurtful especially since we argue a lot.

 

I don't understand the needing space stuff. He says I also need space to understand what I am going through, and in his words 'that's not a bad thing. I want you to understand yourself better'. Sorry I am coming across selfish but I need to focus as well. You also need to'. So frustrating.

[Gloria25]

Thank you for this elaborate response. I will respect his decision and leave him alone. I wish he would tell me if he at the very least has those other feelings for me. It would put my mind and heart at peace. With this guy, it's not just the sex I want. He is too important to me to see 'just sex' in him. Which is why him avoiding me really hurts me (I miss his friendship, chatting about life's challenges etc).

 

What do you guys think about keeping him on social media? It's distracting, which is why I asked him to take me off. I don't know whether I should do it instead (it's hard to, but I don't want to be distracted in my dealing with this big loss in my life. It really pains me to lose a friend like him).

 

I agree in part...cuz IMO, he's the one who started acting like a tool (avoiding her). You don't do that to a "friend". If he wants distance cuz he's afraid to lead her on, then be a grown up and say so...geesh

 

So him acting like a tool results in him getting treated likewise

[GalWithNiceGuyFriend]

I agree in part...cuz IMO, he's the one who started acting like a tool (avoiding her). You don't do that to a "friend". If he wants distance cuz he's afraid to lead her on, then be a grown up and say so...geesh

 

So him acting like a tool results in him getting treated likewise

 

 

Thank you. Would you remove him from your online contacts? I can control texting, calling etc but I find online network really distracting. At the same time, I'm still hurting so removing him myself is still hard for me.

[privategal]

Thank you. You are handling your situation better and I think the lady is being very understanding to you.

 

Although I am more sad about the fallout than the unclear rejection, I am not sure it is a crush I feel. I think I have always had a thing for him, I think I just never paid attention to it and focused on the other guy. He continuously disapproved of the guy, but was also mature the whole time (he knows the guy to some degree). At some point he was even acting as my third eye with the guy, telling me where he is etc). Mid this year, he went a notch higher on the disapproval and told me he no longer wants to hear about the guy as I already know his thoughts about the guy. He said the guy will never commit and will always be childish. I told him it didn't matter anymore, as I had stopped trying to work things out some months ago. I admitted that he had been right the whole time. He was very pleased. This is where my admiration for him got the better of me (we were talking more and spending a lot of time together).

 

But his refusal to cut off online links with me is frustrating. I still don't have the strength to do the 'cut off' myself (I think he knows this). I have managed to stay off his phone, which is hard. I know in the long run I will be able to keep off online contact as well. Right now it's still too hurtful especially since we argue a lot.

 

I don't understand the needing space stuff. He says I also need space to understand what I am going through, and in his words 'that's not a bad thing. I want you to understand yourself better'. Sorry I am coming across selfish but I need to focus as well. You also need to'. So frustrating.

I kinda wonder if showing what kind of girlfriend you were to the other guy, needing a 'third eye' and constantly consulting with him in the details of your relationship (so much so that he said he didn't want to hear anymore) makes him think you are not the kind of girl he might want to date. He sees himself in the last guys shoes and is like "no thanks".

Either way Is still wait a few weeks and show him you are not pushing the issue and are taking space and giving space.

Relax its ok...you confessed and the friendship is challenged now but you dont have to go on the deep end and assume all is lost.

True friendship never dies so if its true...it will spring back eventually if you give it time.

[GalWithNiceGuyFriend]

I kinda wonder if showing what kind of girlfriend you were to the other guy, needing a 'third eye' and constantly consulting with him in the details of your relationship (so much so that he said he didn't want to hear anymore) makes him think you are not the kind of girl he might want to date. He sees himself in the last guys shoes and is like "no thanks".

Either way Is still wait a few weeks and show him you are not pushing the issue and are taking space and giving space.

Relax its ok...you confessed and the friendship is challenged now but you dont have to go on the deep end and assume all is lost.

True friendship never dies so if its true...it will spring back eventually if you give it time.

 

 

Thank you. I wasn't needing a third eye as such, he did the 'research' without being asked. Only once did I ask him to check on the guy for me as I was worried about the guy (he had been in a place where something catastrophic had happened, it was in the news). The reason I couldn't ask the guy myself was because we were constantly arguing (I didn't want to get into another argument. He was the kind of person you would check up on and the next thing you know, he is upset and bringing up the 'wrongs' I did. A very high maintenance man he was).

 

My guy friend went a step further on the third eye thing without being asked.

 

I know I need to calm down, and I'm trying to, but the pain in my heart is overwhelming

[privategal]

Thank you. I wasn't needing a third eye as such, he did the 'research' without being asked. Only once did I ask him to check on the guy for me as I was worried about the guy (he had been in a place where something catastrophic had happened, it was in the news). The reason I couldn't ask the guy myself was because we were constantly arguing (I didn't want to get into another argument. He was the kind of person you would check up on and the next thing you know, he is upset and bringing up the 'wrongs' I did. A very high maintenance man he was).

 

My guy friend went a step further on the third eye thing without being asked.

 

I know I need to calm down, and I'm trying to, but the pain in my heart is overwhelming

 

Unfortunately all the fighting and drama in your last relationship still sent a signal.

Basically the center of your life cant be just one friendship or all of your happiness.

You've gotta give time for dust to settle.

You said he never showed interest in you before so the rejection shouldn't be a huge surprise.

Fall off for a couple of weeks (months would even be better). Get your emotions in check. You don't need to keep dating right now, but rather build your sense of value, take a class or engage in something cool. Don't talk about and continue to analyze the subject.

I know it hurts but its gotta be left alone right now for dust to settle.

Change up your style, ask your self what your dreams are, if you can..take a trip, reconnect with GIRL friends...just do some bigger things to get you out of being stuck.

Hes only a guy not a god.

Chin up...move forward and let the chips fall where they may.

[privategal]

Ps. You can put an entirely different spin on this and say hey, I liked him, I took a risk, it didn't work out but I went after something I wanted and was brave.

Now you just have to trust the universe has a plan and let this go.

Right now hes only asked for space and has given no indication the friendship is over.

Rather than deleting him or anyone from social media, you can temporarily deactivate your account. When you sign back in even if months have gone by, all your friends are still the same.

Just be really of a much more joyful, hopeful frame of mind right now.

Relax and focus on bigger things like a new hobby, a new job, yoga, rearranging a room to relax in...get some new music.

You might see in a few months that this relatiinship has run its course, that you outgrew him and maybe emotionally relied on him during a bad breakup.

You CAN shake this off if you make a new start and give none of your attention to it right now.

Hes not interested? Fine.

That wont be the end of your life and happiness. It happens to all of us and in time we look back and barely remember why we were SO upset at the time.

Start enjoying your life.

Get some books, make your bedroom a peaceful haven and begin to change your thoughts and know this will all pass if you just let it.