Male friend (the best I have)wants some space from me :(

[preraph]

As sad as it makes me, this is what I think, deep down. Which is what's causing issues and arguments now. I want him off my online network. I asked him to remove me. He refuses to.

 

Just block him every which way and then make yourself stop checking up on him and do that by making plans with friends and staying distracted here for awhile.

 

Listen, I had a guy I was in love with who had impotence problems, but I didn't know that at the time. I didn't know why he would stay overnight and hang around all the time and not want sex. This went on for a couple of years if not more. I didn't stop dating, obviously, but was very hurt and confused the whole time and rather than admit his impotence, he'd say I wasn't his type. And of course I'm thinking, Then leave already, though it broke my heart. I'd try to avoid him but he'd eventually just drop by like nothing happened.

 

Then I fell in love with someone else, and the first guy actually ramped up his visitations. I still didn't know he had ED, didn't know that for some years, although a male friend of mine tried to hint that to me by using the word "confidence." Anyway, the whole time I'm dating the new love, the old one is still dropping in and walking over tables and chairs at gigs acting out when I'm there with that guy and being all romantic. Once he came over (he was a musician -- homeless half the time relying on the kindness of various women) for a shower and was just getting out when my date arrived. Now my date was very understanding. He would believe anything you said (which later got him in trouble with some bad women). But most guys would not be understanding and this would run them off right away, so you have to nip this if he starts getting in the way of you finding the right man.

 

And please be on the alert for this: He can't have it both ways. He can't not want you and yet prevent you from proceeding with your dating life by interfering or monitoring you. He has to s*** or get off the pot, and he's already said he's off the pot, so...

[coffe]

I would mute him on social media rather than unfriend at this point. If that is not possible then yes, block him. You can always send a brief, kind message explaining why.

 

This. If it's Facebook posts you are bothered by, just click the "Hide post" tag and nobody ever has to know of this.

 

On the "giving space" part, I'd just like to point out that it is easy to grow resentful of the other person because of what he asked. Do your best not to, or at least not to make it known to him (I know this is hard, but you will thank yourself after) - this can only make matters worse, it tends to give the "eye roll" reaction mentioned above or they can grow resentful of you. I feel this is the kind of stuff that really seals the deal when it comes to creating a distance between 2 people.

 

Try not to overthink it too much while he hasn't stated his position, it will only make you hurt more. I do believe seeing his posts, etc. can be a hard time, and if you can avoid this without him knowing I feel it would make the situation easier to get by.

 

Judging from what you have stated, it seems you care about each other, so I'd not expect him to just dissappear from your life without notice. On the meantime, try to detract yourself. Maybe you can call up some other friends, go out have fun for a while? Get something else to go on so you can give yourself a break from this.

[CVnine]

Thank you. You are handling your situation better and I think the lady is being very understanding to you.

 

Although I am more sad about the fallout than the unclear rejection, I am not sure it is a crush I feel. I think I have always had a thing for him, I think I just never paid attention to it and focused on the other guy. He continuously disapproved of the guy, but was also mature the whole time (he knows the guy to some degree). At some point he was even acting as my third eye with the guy, telling me where he is etc). Mid this year, he went a notch higher on the disapproval and told me he no longer wants to hear about the guy as I already know his thoughts about the guy. He said the guy will never commit and will always be childish. I told him it didn't matter anymore, as I had stopped trying to work things out some months ago. I admitted that he had been right the whole time. He was very pleased. This is where my admiration for him got the better of me (we were talking more and spending a lot of time together).

 

But his refusal to cut off online links with me is frustrating. I still don't have the strength to do the 'cut off' myself (I think he knows this). I have managed to stay off his phone, which is hard. I know in the long run I will be able to keep off online contact as well. Right now it's still too hurtful especially since we argue a lot.

 

I don't understand the needing space stuff. He says I also need space to understand what I am going through, and in his words 'that's not a bad thing. I want you to understand yourself better'. Sorry I am coming across selfish but I need to focus as well. You also need to'. So frustrating.

 

This is your thread, so yes you can be selfish! You made this to get feedback specific to your issue, so no worries. Besides, I made a separate thread for my situation. I was reading through yours and thought out situations had many similarities!

 

If he doesn't have feelings for you and he knows you have feelings for him it could be initially awkward. He may be afraid when you hang out, talk, or he confides in you a personal situation, you may be more likely to misinterpret his actions as an advance towards you. Also he may feel you underlying motives behinds listening to him, hanging out, etc. This is the added dynamic that presents itself when one person in a platonic friendship develops feelings and makes it known to the other person. If the other person doesn't feel the same way back, you are going to have awkwardness, it can't be avoided. His need for space could be related to this.

 

Past that though, I don't know. Its a little unclear for him wanting space for you to "understand yourself better". I am confused here. Does he want you to have space to ratchet down your feelings for him so that you can eventually in the future return to a platonic friendship?

 

I feel that if you two have been friends for a long time, you should be able to openly discuss this. Can you reach out to him on this subject? Can you say, look I want to maintain a friendship in the future, can we both mutually work towards this since I feel we both care for each other as friends? Can you say question the understand yourself better comment?

 

It can't hurt, right? And again friends should be able to discuss topics like this.

 

I feel like my best friend and I have been open about these type of topic since I told her I had feelings and she basically said she really cares for me BUT my relationship is good now and I am happy with my current boyfriend. We are still 2 weeks fresh from this. I told her I need to work on dating as well as getting back to the close platonic friendship. I told her It might be a little time but I really want her in my life as a best friend. She was not only accepting of this, but offered to help in anyway and wants to also be there for me.

 

Lastly, its possible he might just not feel comfort with you in the future, and might now want to maintain the friendship. Its obviously a very harsh, selfish reaction, but I have seen this happen in my own circle of friends which is why I was afraid it would happen with my own situation. If this is the case, and I know how hard it may be, you need to realize you need to move on, keeps things open for friendship in the future, but you need to live your own life and only keep people in it that respect you. You are perfectly capable of making new friends that can become close, dating other guys and strengthening the friendships you already have in life. You have to live life! Its the mindset I tired to have in case I found myself in this situation myself.

Edited December 15, 2015 by CVnine

[Standard-Fare]

I don't see a problem with your making that statement that you're "becoming a little fond of him" -- I think that's innocent enough. It's not like you were like "I want to be your girlfriend, what's your response?"

 

However, it seems like you've had a major overreaction to his new sense of distance. From what I'm gathering here, you've continued to be in touch (via text or whatever) and you're directly badgering him about why he wants space.

 

Not only that, but you asked HIM to remove YOU from social media? Girl, admit to yourself that is pure melodrama. If you really can't handle the social media stuff, you can take some actions on that on your own. But asking him to do it for you is like saying "Why don't you slap me in the face to show just how badly you're rejecting me?"

 

This type of behavior will only serve to push him away further. Seriously, let this thing rest for a while and try to be cool about everything. It sounds like he never intended to cut you off entirely. You've got to respect his need for space right now.

[GalWithNiceGuyFriend]

This is your thread, so yes you can be selfish! You made this to get feedback specific to your issue, so no worries. Besides, I made a separate thread for my situation. I was reading through yours and thought out situations had many similarities!

 

I think your lady friend really cares about you as a friend. In my case, I think I am the only one who cares about the friendship. I tend to do this a lot though. I usually care for people more than they care for me, and it's not something I can change easily. I can't 'not care completely'. He keeps saying things like 'you did nothing wrong, this is not permanent, I don't want to stop being friends, I just need space'. All I hear is 'go away, go away, go away'. I am a grown girl in my early 30s so I think I can say he is just saying this stuff for the sake of it.

 

'Understanding myself' was confusing for me too. I can't ask him what he meant as he doesn't seem to want to talk to me anymore. I am also trying to follow the advice here about respecting his space.

 

He didn't respond to my last message (another sign of 'go away'). I know it will take time, but I hope to get there in the long run, for my own peace of mind. It has really affected me though.

[GalWithNiceGuyFriend]

I don't see a problem with your making that statement that you're "becoming a little fond of him" -- I think that's innocent enough. It's not like you were like "I want to be your girlfriend, what's your response?"

 

However, it seems like you've had a major overreaction to his new sense of distance. From what I'm gathering here, you've continued to be in touch (via text or whatever) and you're directly badgering him about why he wants space.

 

You are right. I think I'll just let it be for now. However, I honestly don't understand why you would keep a person you have stopped talking to/seeing in person online.

 

Prior to this, he initiated almost all contact. Then suddenly, I was left alone, looking for him. I felt cut off. I could do the online cut off myself but it's hard. My asking was more of a 'I acknowledge things have changed significantly'. I hope I wasn't dramatic. I just want the frustration to end, to help me move on too. For him, it's probably easier. Romantic feelings aside, I think our caring levels were different right from the start (where one friend cares more than the other).

[GalWithNiceGuyFriend]

This is your thread, so yes you can be selfish! You made this to get feedback specific to your issue, so no worries. Besides, I made a separate thread for my situation. I was reading through yours and thought out situations had many similarities!

 

 

By the way, I have just realised something - these words were said by him. The 'being selfish- I also need to focus' words (I wonder why he thinks I want to interfere with his life. Why would I? I care for him).

 

Sorry about the confusion there!

[CVnine]

I think your lady friend really cares about you as a friend. In my case, I think I am the only one who cares about the friendship. I tend to do this a lot though. I usually care for people more than they care for me, and it's not something I can change easily. I can't 'not care completely'. He keeps saying things like 'you did nothing wrong, this is not permanent, I don't want to stop being friends, I just need space'. All I hear is 'go away, go away, go away'. I am a grown girl in my early 30s so I think I can say he is just saying this stuff for the sake of it.

 

'Understanding myself' was confusing for me too. I can't ask him what he meant as he doesn't seem to want to talk to me anymore. I am also trying to follow the advice here about respecting his space.

 

He didn't respond to my last message (another sign of 'go away'). I know it will take time, but I hope to get there in the long run, for my own peace of mind. It has really affected me though.

 

He's definitely sending you a mixed message, I can completely understand why you feel the way you do. I think if he tells you he needs time and cuts off discussions about the matter and reduces/cuts off communication for awhile, there is nothing you can do.

 

All you can do is tell him you care about the friendship, you will respect his space and want to remain friends after. Sounds like you have done all those things. There isn't anything else you can do unless you want to try to contact him again in the future (at least a few weeks). You also have to move on, you just can't stall your love life, sit by an open door hoping he walks through it again. I guess you have to recognize that whether its love interests or platonic friends, there are a ton out there. He isn't the end all on either of these fronts.

 

I know its hard from dealing with my situation. I know there are fleeting emotions, the pain from rejection and the constant fear you lost a good friend. I am thankful my best friend does still care about me and has respected the space I needed. I told her after I basically was told my timing was awful/it won't work, I need some time but intended on continuing our close friendship afterwards. We have been friends for around 8 years, and very early on in the friendship I helped her through a few really difficult times. I still think what I did for her back then solidified our friendship and is allowing us to weather this current storm.

 

I hope things work out and the friendship eventually is restored. But if not, you definitely don't need to blame yourself at all, you'll move because really what choice do you have? Best!

[privategal]

Everything he says you feel he is saying go away go away go away, yet you keep messaging?

He said directly, this isnt permanent, yet your acting as if theres a funeral going on for the death of a friendship.

I gave you some really thought out sincere advice in this thread but you looked past it and continue on with a pity party.

You wouldn't feel rejected and pitiful if you chose the route of understanding and self respect.

You stand on the train tracks and then keep crying that your getting hit by trains.

Do you know what a REAL friend does when a friend asks for space?

They respectfully give space.

I learned this the hard way myself but also one of the men in here politely told you the same from the male perspective.

Your likely one of those that will maybe wake up and see you've acted like such a fool and message him that to..and that you will leave him alone now, also melodramatic and pointless.

Your putting the nails in your own coffin and soon hes just gonna hammer them in because your too much work and drama in his life and can't respect a single small wish for space.

Edited December 17, 2015 by privategal

[Standard-Fare]

You are right. I think I'll just let it be for now. However, I honestly don't understand why you would keep a person you have stopped talking to/seeing in person online.

 

Prior to this, he initiated almost all contact. Then suddenly, I was left alone, looking for him. I felt cut off. I could do the online cut off myself but it's hard. My asking was more of a 'I acknowledge things have changed significantly'. I hope I wasn't dramatic. I just want the frustration to end, to help me move on too. For him, it's probably easier. Romantic feelings aside, I think our caring levels were different right from the start (where one friend cares more than the other).

 

It definitely was dramatic.

 

And the thing is, if he was a little overwhelmed by your admission that you have a crush on him, then he's gotta be doubly overwhelmed by your reactions to everything that's followed. You're basically bombarding him with guilt.

 

It's certainly not going to make him think, "This is the type of woman I'd like to date." Because if this is how you respond emotionally even before anything romantic has happened, how would you deal with things when you're actually dating? It's just not a good preview.

 

Ease on back, go silent, and restore your dignity. He could come back around for friendship or more if you show him that you can be stable and patient.

[GalWithNiceGuyFriend]

Everything he says you feel he is saying go away go away go away, yet you keep messaging?.

 

This wasn't a pity party. I have had some good advice here by telling things as they are rather than coating anything to get the answers I want to hear. This forum has been helpful to me long before I even signed up, so when I had my share of 'grief', I felt it was time to sign up and seek good, mature advice.

 

I have actually followed every advice I have been given regarding letting go and I think it's working. I have not spoken to or messaged him since I posted this thread. I heard from a mutual acquaintance that he is asking how I am doing. Since the mutual acquaintance doesn't know what's going on, the response to him was apparently 'I should ask you that. Isn't she your friend? You see her more than I do' (Why not just ask me???). The clueless acquaintance thinks he likes me, by the way. I just laughed it off as I haven't told anyone (apart from the people on this forum).

 

Anyway, thank you for the feedback. I have left the man alone. I actually don't know how he is doing or what he is up to, or where he is (strange, given our previous closeness but I am accepting things as they are).

[privategal]

I want to tell you something gently from the hesrt. If he was/is your best friend...he would have reached out for Christmas...its a time for spreading love and cheer and connecting with ones we love to wish them well.

Also this story hits close to home as I had a friend who for 14 years talked to me...somedays daily, hundreds of emails, calls, meet up for drinks, even "I love you, miss you" (platonic) and shared hundreds of secrets, nicknames, made up through many fights etc.

He was IMO my best friend.

But we never nailed down the 'title'...I assumed it was mutual when one day I said it...in an e-mail. He talked around it never said it back and it was so strange. The next time he called I asked him about it. He simply told me he is not my best friend. He doesnt/cant give me the title, there are friends hes known longer etc etc.

It really REALLY hurt as I had made WAY more of the relationship than he did.

To guys its more simple...we get emotionally involved, think of things deeply...get tied up in it...to them...its simple friendship. They don't want it complicated or laced with drama or to feel tied down or obligated to it.

That kinda thing.

He's doing him right now.

If he comes back ever Id suggest you still keep space. You've seen a new side of him now.

Dont try to read in or analyze...its him being him and its hurt you.

Hes showing you your value isn't what you thought it was to him.

So thats ok..let it rest and dont blame your self nor give your care while it isnt desired.

Its not anything you've done and Im proud of you for not reaching out.

[preraph]

Or it is the opposite.

 

He has had feelings for the OP, secretly, from a distance for a long time, but she never showed interest in him until she had exhausted all other suitors. I wonder if he feels like he is being settled for. Maybe he feels like she is finally turning to him because he is safe and a sure bet.

 

No guy wants to be settled for.

 

No guy wants to be settled for, but I doubt it would stop many of them from jumping at the chance to have sex, though.

[GalWithNiceGuyFriend]

 

I want to tell you something gently from the hesrt. If he was/is your best friend...he would have reached out for Christmas...its a time for spreading love and cheer and connecting with ones we love to wish them well.

Also this story hits close to home as I had a friend who for 14 years talked to me...somedays daily, hundreds of emails, calls, meet up for drinks, even "I love you, miss you" (platonic)

So similar to my case, minus the avoidance. It does hurt. I sincerely thought he was my best guy friend (I told him this). He insisted I am 'overreacting' and 'being ridiculous' by thinking he wants to stop the friendship. Well, actions speak louder than words.

 

I got no Christmas greetings. I got an out-of-nowhere invite to some website he is into. I wonder if that's how to begin talking to a friend one dumped a couple of weeks ago. I wonder if I was supposed to comment on the invite. I didn't say anything, although I fought with not asking 'What happened to needing space? If you want to talk to me, you know my number and where I live'. In the end saying nothing won me over. Men are so hard to understand.

[privategal]

Try hard not to feel so hurt and read into things. He is trying to just have you understand things are cool but he's got other things going on in his life too and he's not all emotional and thinking deeply about it. He's trying to say there's no issue. He may need less time talking as you and doesnt think the friendship means less just because its not 24/7. Your reaction to all of it was a turn off I think and then it was a nigger deal than it started out to be.

I think he just wanted space and a little time out maybe from every one. These things are just my opinion.

Either way the website invitation was his way of just trying to be normal with you.

Dont hold a grudge. Taking time away from people is healthy sometimes.

If it was true friendship he will have time to miss you and will be thankful you handled things in a mature healthy way!

[Lovezen_30]

Sorry to hear about your situation. It honestly sounds like he is uncomfortable or doesn't quite know how to handle your revelation to him that you have feelings for him.

 

One thing I would recommend doing is you could text him or call him, and just make it clear that if he doesn't have mutual feelings, you are completely fine with continuing your close friendship. You understand he needs time but you still want to maintain a good friendship as it is important to you. It may seem like you have already done this, but it can't hurt to reinforce this directly with him. That is, if you are completely fine with maintaining a platonic friendship with him.

 

I am in the same situation as you right now. A recently developed feelings for a long time female best friend. It was driving me crazy not telling her how I felt, I finally told her. She has been in a rocky relationship the last 6 months but things have gotten better as of recent so my timing was pretty bad.

 

The one difference is, she has made it clear she wants to still maintain a close friendship with me. I have told her I do need a little more time but I want the same thing. She has given me that time but she also keeps checking up with me.

 

I hope this also happens in your case. If it can't work romantically, at least you want to preserve a close friendship.

 

I have went full swing back into the dating game, this really has helped me get over this. If you haven't, I would recommend you do the same. Its the only way you can truly move on. It makes no sense to just stand at a door waiting for something that may never happen.

 

Maybe she doesn't know that right now, or do you OP? (will admit: haven't read whole thread). I'm sure it will take time to sort through your feelings.

 

Listen, something similar happened to me recently. I confessed to friend of 10 years that I had feelings and he was a bit stunned. As in "Oh, I always thought this was Platonic" - when it's fairly obvious to me that it's always been more. He is also pursuing another woman who he isn't happy with but he continues with it anyway.

 

I have also realised that I feel too passionately about the guy to squeeze myself back inside the friendship box and work hard at diminishing feelings just to preserve the "friendship". I have left the door open, but I don't think that will be possible for some time (could be years even.)

 

I do agree that OP should give him space. And use the space for yourself wisely - are there any positive changes you want to make to your life? Any new hobbies/sports you want to take up? And also make sure you talk this through with friends and get out and have fun! You might not always feel like it but it really helps to remember there are other "best" friends who you can spend time with and who will be there for you.

[GalWithNiceGuyFriend]

[quote

 

I do agree that OP should give him space. And use the space for yourself wisely - are there any positive changes you want to make to your life? Any new hobbies/sports you want to take up? And also make sure you talk this through with friends and get out and have fun! You might not always feel like it but it really helps to remember there are other "best" friends who you can spend time with and who will be there for you.

 

 

Thank you, people. I am doing things here and there and hanging out with friends when time allows. I do have some other friends, but not one that I can tell everything I have written here. All my friends are people who are a lot quicker in 'moving on' and more experienced in dating. I am usually the 'slow, traditional girl'.

 

It's just that with him things were different. I have hobbies and stuff. It's just a sense of sadness I can't really seem to get over. It has affected how I relate to people, especially men. I hold back more than I used to. But I believe with time things will get better. I have been in worse situations before.

 

To Privategirl, I am not holding a grudge/intending to hold one. I am just hurt and giving him space (grudges are more about anger and being vindictive). There won't be any more effort from me to maintain anything though. There seems to be nothing to maintain. I think he was never a friend (at least not the way I was to him when he needed me during his hard times).