Evaluating the worth of marriage (in general)

[mystikmind2005]

I was reviewing my profile on Oasis dating website tonight. On that site they ask you to say if marriage is important to you or not.

 

I cannot decide how to answer that one? Personally i value marriage, but then there is past experience,,, I did believe in it so strongly and purely and without any doubt at all, but then i find out its all just an illusion, and all the promises given no longer have any value to the person i married, and can be cast away with a similar degree of dignity and afterthought as that given to the wrapping paper from a Mc Donald's burger.

 

I'm just wondering how people process that kind of thing and still find a way to value marriage enough that they might try again?

[nom_de_plume]

I personally think marriage is an archaic institution. For the longgeat time it was a business transaction - had nothing to do with love. So when people talk about how the institution of marriage is dying, I'm not quite sure if they know what they're talking about. In the mid 20th century, married couples just tended to stick it out despite abuse, infidelity, etc. Divorce was stigmatized and women often didn't have a way to make it financially on their own. Now for many of us, divorce is not the end of life itself. It's a way to move on from a bad situation and start over. And I think it's completely natural to fall out of love with someone. Some couples grow together and others grow apart. Monogamy is man made and f-ing hard. I think the poly couples or the ones with open relationships have the right idea. It's not for everyone though. Having said that, I would never get married again. For someone like me, I need a sense of autonomy. I'd probably just live with someone with the understanding that we each make our own decisions, maintain our own finances, etc. My husband relies on me so much and it gets old after a while because I feel like he can't make a decision without me.

[Redfisher]

I was married for ten years and I was destroyed by my ex...But I still want to marry again...I'm a fool.

[Snakechammah]

Can single people participate in this thread?

 

For someone who has never been married, I have been waiting all my life... To one day be married... to a guy who can make me stay.

 

One can only wish!

[dichotomy]

I know some people who find "some" value in marriage and have remained in it for 30-40 years because of this value. Its been hard, hard work for them but they focus on the value for them (might be family, or commitment, mutual practical care, or shared something).

 

I really have not met anyone (in person) who was truly happy and satisfied and devoted with their partner over a long term marriage...... Well .... I have met a few via the internet that appear to be very much happy devoted, but its still rare. I have met many married folks that are VERY happy as parents, their kids and grand kids being joy.

 

So if we say half of all marriages end in divorce then a good portion of the remaining 50% are working very hard, or struggling, or just coping with what they have vs what they wish.

 

 

Then again being single - especially as you age is not always a happy situation either. So what are you going to do.

 

What was it that comedian Chris Rock said ? I think he said "Married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness no where"

Edited December 13, 2015 by dichotomy

[mystikmind2005]

nom_de_plume;

 

Interesting? They say arranged marriages have a lower failure rate.... partly because of the culture, but also i think possibly because in the beginning you are forced to learn to get along with that person over time,, whereas in a normal marriage you start off great, and over time learn how not to get along! lol

 

Redfisher;

 

Oh, i get that! And of course i know i am the type of person to foolishly change my mind about marriage the moment i fall in love again.... because i am a fool as well! lol

 

Snakechammah

 

Absolutely! But i think you have to do 50% of the work for making you want to stay?

 

dichotomy;

 

I would agree.... i have also never seen any such marriage except my parents. The way i define their marriage, it is like they are two parts of the one person,,, not always happy or satisfied with themselves, but they deal with it just like an individual person has to deal with themselves.

[No Limit]

Another single-never-been-married-participant here.

 

I'm currently doing an internship in my city's hospital; a week ago we got new patients, a couple in their mid-80's. They are quite happy with each other, and even though she's in early stages of dementia they do "small activities" (reading, crossword puzzles...) nearly nonstop - and they told us they've been doing so for over 50 years! I must admit, I'm still awfully impressed by that.

 

Nonetheless marriage has lost its fairytale-glow when I think of it. I would be happy if the man I love loved me too and so much he'd want me to be only his, but I would still sit him down and tell him that

1) You don't have to marry me (and shouldn't be if his decision has its origins in social pressure) if you want us to be together forever. (Plus you might get into conflicts at your church - after all I'm just a filthy heathen, who hasn't gone through affusion or whatever Christian rituals there are. )

2) If you're absolutely sure you want to marry me, then I want to know what expectations you have from your 'dream-wife' in detail. Marriage does change how people view each other, no matter how much they might try to ignore it.

 

I'm not concerned by divorce rates; in fact I hope that these nice constant reminders of how easily a marriage can be dissolved will prevent him from taking me for granted. There is no man on this planet who can have me "secured" with marriage papers, if certain boundaries are crossed I'm gone faster than any shuttle. Likewise I will not take him for granted or do anything that will make me wonder "If I hadn't done that, would he still be with me?" post-divorce.

[StBreton]

I will get married again...I'm a romantic at heart. (had 1 long term marriage). I won't date someone if they aren't marriage minded...just who I am.

[Wewon]

I was reviewing my profile on Oasis dating website tonight. On that site they ask you to say if marriage is important to you or not.

 

I cannot decide how to answer that one? Personally i value marriage, but then there is past experience,,, I did believe in it so strongly and purely and without any doubt at all, but then i find out its all just an illusion, and all the promises given no longer have any value to the person i married, and can be cast away with a similar degree of dignity and afterthought as that given to the wrapping paper from a Mc Donald's burger.

 

I'm just wondering how people process that kind of thing and still find a way to value marriage enough that they might try again?

 

I really like being married...to my wife.

 

By that I mean that marriage, as an institution in itself, is not something that I would tell someone to worry about. Compatibility and having someone you enjoy spending time with is important to me, marrying because of some "bigger purpose" isn't important to me at all.

 

I would rather be alone than to be with someone that didn't fit.

[mystikmind2005]

Another single-never-been-married-participant here.

 

I'm currently doing an internship in my city's hospital; a week ago we got new patients, a couple in their mid-80's. They are quite happy with each other, and even though she's in early stages of dementia they do "small activities" (reading, crossword puzzles...) nearly nonstop - and they told us they've been doing so for over 50 years! I must admit, I'm still awfully impressed by that.

 

Nonetheless marriage has lost its fairytale-glow when I think of it. I would be happy if the man I love loved me too and so much he'd want me to be only his, but I would still sit him down and tell him that

1) You don't have to marry me (and shouldn't be if his decision has its origins in social pressure) if you want us to be together forever. (Plus you might get into conflicts at your church - after all I'm just a filthy heathen, who hasn't gone through affusion or whatever Christian rituals there are. )

2) If you're absolutely sure you want to marry me, then I want to know what expectations you have from your 'dream-wife' in detail. Marriage does change how people view each other, no matter how much they might try to ignore it.

 

I'm not concerned by divorce rates; in fact I hope that these nice constant reminders of how easily a marriage can be dissolved will prevent him from taking me for granted. There is no man on this planet who can have me "secured" with marriage papers, if certain boundaries are crossed I'm gone faster than any shuttle. Likewise I will not take him for granted or do anything that will make me wonder "If I hadn't done that, would he still be with me?" post-divorce.

 

Yea, it is a tricky balance to believe in your relationship and to believe in love, yet keep in mind that it can fail! The two ideas do not seem to go very well together.

 

It is the complexity of faith. to believe in something without fear or doubt while having bad past experiences and being surrounded by other peoples bad experiences. .... believing in marriage seems allot like believing in God actually! The only evidence one way or the other is in peoples personal experiences.

Edited December 13, 2015 by mystikmind2005

[RecentChange]

I have never had any desire to "be married". Nor to have children, I guess I have never really wanted a " family".

 

But I have been in a long term relationship, we have shared finances and debts, insurance and all of those legal type obligations.

 

Never had a desire to exchange vows, or to have crowds recognize our relationship.

 

It's just always been our thing, we are us how we define it. Watched many friends marry and divorce over the years that we have been together. Can't say its something I am egar to get involved in!

[mystikmind2005]

I really like being married...to my wife.

 

By that I mean that marriage, as an institution in itself, is not something that I would tell someone to worry about. Compatibility and having someone you enjoy spending time with is important to me, marrying because of some "bigger purpose" isn't important to me at all.

 

I would rather be alone than to be with someone that didn't fit.

 

Well yes, the reason i got married was an expression of my love.... it is just like the way a guy will buy flowers for a lady, but on a much larger scale than that! lol

[Gloria25]

I personally think marriage is an archaic institution. For the longgeat time it was a business transaction - had nothing to do with love. So when people talk about how the institution of marriage is dying, I'm not quite sure if they know what they're talking about. In the mid 20th century, married couples just tended to stick it out despite abuse, infidelity, etc. Divorce was stigmatized and women often didn't have a way to make it financially on their own. Now for many of us, divorce is not the end of life itself. It's a way to move on from a bad situation and start over. And I think it's completely natural to fall out of love with someone. Some couples grow together and others grow apart. Monogamy is man made and f-ing hard. I think the poly couples or the ones with open relationships have the right idea. It's not for everyone though. Having said that, I would never get married again. For someone like me, I need a sense of autonomy. I'd probably just live with someone with the understanding that we each make our own decisions, maintain our own finances, etc. My husband relies on me so much and it gets old after a while because I feel like he can't make a decision without me.

 

I agree with you in part...

 

I believe marriage - when done right - is a beautiful thing. I believe "man" messed up the institution of marriage. Now a days, its like the "next step" after dating someone for X amount of months/years/days - instead of something the person wanted in the first place. In other words, they date for a while, wake up one morning and say "let's get married" even if marriage isn't something they ever wanted in the first place. No where does the couple have a clue as to what practically would make a good wife/husband.

 

They base their decisions on "feelings" and ascribe "love" to "feeelings"...so when lulls happen in the marriage they are sitting around waiting for a "feeeling" to breathe life back into the marriage instead of working on themselves and the RL.

 

Also, the lulls happen not only because of low moments of "feelings", but also because they chose poorly. They married not cuz of the qualities of the person as a husband/wife/parent - but cuz it "felt" good/right. They went to the movies and actually like popcorn. They do not do pre-marital counseling, and parents are too scared to be blunt and tell their kids the truth about the lack of qualities of the person they are about to marry.

 

Then, you have the women's movement which tells women that they have more value outside of the home....So, who's making the "house" a "home" (sex, cooking, caring for children). Dual couples work, both come home without desire to love, care, etc. They are "partners", "roommates" who have sex and create kids if you ask me - not husband/wife/lovers.

 

And yes, IMO, marriage is still a business transaction for a lot of women (and scrubs who latch onto a woman with more money than him). Women get financial security with that ring and a kid. No, not millions and/or six-figure bucks - but enough to pay their bills and keep a roof over their heads. Also, with the women's movement - having the "title" of "wife" and/or "mother" is just another thing women want to "achieve" instead of having any clue/desire to "be" what a wife/lover/and mother is. They put their kids in daycare and are too tired/uninterested in sexing their men. The also get overweight and lazy and if you dare say anything, you are an insensitive jerk who should lover "as is". If I were a man now a days, I'd have an endless string of FWBs or become a homosexual.

 

So, yes, man is the entity that ruins marriages - not the institution of marriage itself.

[mystikmind2005]

I agree with you in part...

 

I believe marriage - when done right - is a beautiful thing. I believe "man" messed up the institution of marriage. Now a days, its like the "next step" after dating someone for X amount of months/years/days - instead of something the person wanted in the first place. In other words, they date for a while, wake up one morning and say "let's get married" even if marriage isn't something they ever wanted in the first place. No where does the couple have a clue as to what practically would make a good wife/husband.

 

They base their decisions on "feelings" and ascribe "love" to "feeelings"...so when lulls happen in the marriage they are sitting around waiting for a "feeeling" to breathe life back into the marriage instead of working on themselves and the RL.

 

Also, the lulls happen not only because of low moments of "feelings", but also because they chose poorly. They married not cuz of the qualities of the person as a husband/wife/parent - but cuz it "felt" good/right. They went to the movies and actually like popcorn. They do not do pre-marital counseling, and parents are too scared to be blunt and tell their kids the truth about the lack of qualities of the person they are about to marry.

 

Then, you have the women's movement which tells women that they have more value outside of the home....So, who's making the "house" a "home" (sex, cooking, caring for children). Dual couples work, both come home without desire to love, care, etc. They are "partners", "roommates" who have sex and create kids if you ask me - not husband/wife/lovers.

 

And yes, IMO, marriage is still a business transaction for a lot of women (and scrubs who latch onto a woman with more money than him). Women get financial security with that ring and a kid. No, not millions and/or six-figure bucks - but enough to pay their bills and keep a roof over their heads. Also, with the women's movement - having the "title" of "wife" and/or "mother" is just another thing women want to "achieve" instead of having any clue/desire to "be" what a wife/lover/and mother is. They put their kids in daycare and are too tired/uninterested in sexing their men. The also get overweight and lazy and if you dare say anything, you are an insensitive jerk who should lover "as is". If I were a man now a days, I'd have an endless string of FWBs or become a homosexual.

 

So, yes, man is the entity that ruins marriages - not the institution of marriage itself.

 

Don't know that i agree with everything here, but definitely some good points.

 

I especially agree with the part about emotions... and we mostly marry because of emotions.... but emotions go up and down, they are transient, changing like the wind. It is not a reliable foundation for a marriage,,, you have to have allot more than that.

 

Yes its very very true that love is not enough,,,, not even close to being enough!

[Popsicle]

I was married for ten years and I was destroyed by my ex...But I still want to marry again...I'm a fool.

 

lol this.

 

I go back and forth because I am lucid at the moment, but I know that at the end of the day, I'm a hopeless romantic and when I fall in love, that will be it.

[mystikmind2005]

lol this.

 

I go back and forth because I am lucid at the moment, but I know that at the end of the day, I'm a hopeless romantic and when I fall in love, that will be it.

 

Yep......

 

Most people that have a reasonable ability to anticipate themselves know this insanity can come over them when they fall in love, even if they don't want to admit it!! hehehehe