I told my best friend I have feelings for him - was this flat out rejection?

[pteromom]

nd yet - despite seeming to value all these things in me - and saying that he finds me "beautiful" - it's still not enough? I don't know how to reconcile that at all.

 

He lives with his girlfriend.

 

It's not a matter of you not being enough.

 

He's already committed to someone else. And good for him for being true to that commitment.

[preraph]

I know - I'm sure he'd have some perfect excuse ready though.

 

I've been thinking a lot about why I'm so devastated about this rejection and I think I know: no other male has appreciated me in the way my friend has. He tells me he admires my strength ("you are much stronger than me"), my way with kids, my "talent", how well I treat friends and how "I know you'll achieve anything you set your mind to." In that rejection email, he also said NC was going to be difficult because he wants to be my support through life's difficulties.

 

And yet - despite seeming to value all these things in me - and saying that he finds me "beautiful" - it's still not enough? I don't know how to reconcile that at all.

 

It could be as simple as he only likes petite or blond girls or big boobs or only likes mild tempered slightly daft ones for sex and while he may admire "strong and accomplished," "mild and accomplished" may not make him feel adequate.

 

Whatever, he's said no. He's in a relationship. You need to back off and get on with your life. If he has a sudden change of heart after 10 years that suddenly propels him to puruse you romantically (unlikely -- he could have done that years ago), then he knows where to find you.

[preraph]

And to put some perspective on it, most guys find most young average or better women sexually attractive on some level. That makes you one of millions he finds beautiful. Be glad he's not someone who acts on all those, including you.

[Lovezen_30]

You are really assigning meaning to his behavior when it doesn't mean anything.

 

If he calls you beautiful, it simply means you are beautiful. Not that he wants to be with you.

 

If he's checking you out, it simply means you look good that day, or that he is horny and appreciating your appearance. Doesn't mean he wants to be with you.

 

I don't see anything in his response to you that indicates he wants anything romantic with you.

 

You have GOT to let go of any dream of a romantic future with him.

 

Yeah, I know that. But I'm suffering the loss of a future that he outlined to me, while downplaying his relationship. In 7 months, he didn't mention her once during our interactions even when I asked about her - I even thought they had split up! I'm suffering worse than I have with any other break up - this actually feels more like the bereavements I have encountered.

 

It's not just what he said - it's the way he said them to him. I mean: do you think sending 1000 word emotionally charged emails to another woman quite frequently is normal while you're in a relationship? Maybe it is for some but I just can't wrap my head around it.

[Lovezen_30]

It could be as simple as he only likes petite or blond girls or big boobs or only likes mild tempered slightly daft ones for sex and while he may admire "strong and accomplished," "mild and accomplished" may not make him feel adequate.

 

Whatever, he's said no. He's in a relationship. You need to back off and get on with your life. If he has a sudden change of heart after 10 years that suddenly propels him to puruse you romantically (unlikely -- he could have done that years ago), then he knows where to find you.

 

He told me I'm his exact type! Without going into details, I'm quite exotic looking. From my hair colour and skin to my figure type...he told me from day one when we met that I was his type and reiterated this again recently. I know it's still a "no" but it's still frustrating.

 

I do think that "strong and accomplished" might make him feel inadequate (the last time we met he said he was "jealous" of my accomplishments and that I was "stronger" than him). My ex actually broke up with me shortly after a job promotion, because it highlighted our "inequality". His girlfriend is also very sick/weak and clearly in need of him.

[Lovezen_30]

If he has a sudden change of heart after 10 years that suddenly propels him to puruse you romantically (unlikely -- he could have done that years ago), then he knows where to find you.

 

To be fair, he did express an interest in seeing more of me shortly after breaking up with a girlfriend and I declined at the time because I was in a serious relationship. At the time, I actually felt he was putting too much pressure on me and distanced myself for a while. Irrelevant now anyway.

[preraph]

He told me I'm his exact type! Without going into details, I'm quite exotic looking. From my hair colour and skin to my figure type...he told me from day one when we met that I was his type and reiterated this again recently. I know it's still a "no" but it's still frustrating.

 

I do think that "strong and accomplished" might make him feel inadequate (the last time we met he said he was "jealous" of my accomplishments and that I was "stronger" than him). My ex actually broke up with me shortly after a job promotion, because it highlighted our "inequality". His girlfriend is also very sick/weak and clearly in need of him.

 

There are plenty of guys who want to be the strong one and can't get serious unless they are. One of my loves said I was smarter than him and I had exciting friends and wondered what I saw in him. It was crazy because he always achieved more (because he's a guy:mad: He married a psycho 2nd wife and I asked him once why he would marry her and not consider me and he said I didn't "need" him and also that she nagged him into it, telling him how blissful it would be (she ended up in prison decades later for stealing the identity of her own offspring and husband - really nuts, but she was a crier and cried all the time to get attention and i think that made him feel strong and like he needed her.

 

The point being something has stopped him from coming full steam ahead on you given 10 years to do it. And it's probably not your deficit -- it's probably his.

[Lovezen_30]

There are plenty of guys who want to be the strong one and can't get serious unless they are. One of my loves said I was smarter than him and I had exciting friends and wondered what I saw in him. It was crazy because he always achieved more (because he's a guy:mad: He married a psycho 2nd wife and I asked him once why he would marry her and not consider me and he said I didn't "need" him and also that she nagged him into it, telling him how blissful it would be (she ended up in prison decades later for stealing the identity of her own offspring and husband - really nuts, but she was a crier and cried all the time to get attention and i think that made him feel strong and like he needed her.

 

The point being something has stopped him from coming full steam ahead on you given 10 years to do it. And it's probably not your deficit -- it's probably his.

 

Interestingly in the rejection email, he mentioned struggling with the fact he feels he has to appear strong when he's falling apart inside. Now this is a REAL long shot - but his parents broke up 5 years back and he struggled with the divorce. I am quite a maternal person, being a teacher, and considering he describes me as his "angel" I can't help wondering if I do fulfil some maternal role for him. I do look after him in a way. That would be a bit messed up if it was the case I suppose...

 

I'm sorry you've had a similar experience preraph (does your username have anything to do with the pre raphelites btw?) - it is something I worry about it. My ex definitely sabotaged our relationship due to feelings of inadequacy. He even said I was "independent" that I didn't need him, despite the fact I spent more time with him than any other person. I worry about it for the future.

[preraph]

Yes, it has to do with loving the Prerphaelites. So beautiful.

 

Well, it sounds like you have had more than one person sort of tell you the same thing. So thing is, you're picking men who at least perceive themselves as weaker than you OR need a bunch of ego fluffing to feel good about themselves. The one I know was a sucker for anyone who would ask for favors and then say he was her hero.

 

You very well may be in the Mother Zone. After 10 years, you have to be in some zone, let's face it! He'd probably never be able to look you in the eye again if he ever slept with you! This is what happens when things drag on too long and just drift. But if either of you had pushed it, it probably still wouldn't have gone just right and he'd have felt emasculated or you'd have gotten tired of leading or something. Reassess what you want in a man. I used to pick weak men once in awhile. Because I'm uncompromising, that's why. But then I'd get disgusted eventually with their lack of decisiveness or wishwashiness.

[Lovezen_30]

Yes, it has to do with loving the Prerphaelites. So beautiful.

 

Well, it sounds like you have had more than one person sort of tell you the same thing. So thing is, you're picking men who at least perceive themselves as weaker than you OR need a bunch of ego fluffing to feel good about themselves. The one I know was a sucker for anyone who would ask for favors and then say he was her hero.

 

You very well may be in the Mother Zone. After 10 years, you have to be in some zone, let's face it! He'd probably never be able to look you in the eye again if he ever slept with you! This is what happens when things drag on too long and just drift. But if either of you had pushed it, it probably still wouldn't have gone just right and he'd have felt emasculated or you'd have gotten tired of leading or something. Reassess what you want in a man. I used to pick weak men once in awhile. Because I'm uncompromising, that's why. But then I'd get disgusted eventually with their lack of decisiveness or wishwashiness.

 

I love them too.

 

I suppose what these two men have in common: they are very good at putting on a strong front; good at appearing to be confident and together until later down the line. Not really sure how I tackle that as I can't see the future?

 

Also, he was definitely in my "friend-zone" until the past year or so, when I started to see him differently.

 

I'm going to stop beating myself up for not spending more time with him when I was single and he was not. I followed my instincts because I wanted to give my relationship its best shot at the time. I feel *slightly* better about moving on today. I'm sure it will come in waves. Thanks.

[preraph]

I think you'll be okay soon. No, don't beat yourself up. The truth is often our first impressions and impulses are the better ones.

 

I have a b&w lithograph of Mariamne Leaving the Judgement Seat of Herod. You might ebay around for stuff. It's not SO old that you can't sometimes find a deal. The litho was for the presentation of the work at a late 1800s world fair.