Lovezen_30 Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 I told my best male friend of 10 years that I have feelings for him via email. Sadly for me, he has a serious girlfriend he lives with and I realised it was too painful for me to continue the friendship while watching his relationship. Quick background: during the time that we've been friends, he has expressed attraction and deep admiration, respect and love for me. We have lived apart for most of our lives and so nothing could have really happened. I told him that having had time to process my feelings for him more recently, I have realised that I have deeper feelings for him. Anyway, I saw his relationship with this woman progressing and panicked, thinking: what if he marries her? His response was really heartfelt, but a gentle rejection I think: - He admitted he has been going through a sort of depression for the past 1 1/2 years - In response to my saying that I had been processing feelings for him - he said he had not yet had the opportunity to process HIS feelings because of his "personal situation". - He told me he thinks that "Platonic" friendship is the most profound relationship there is. And that he doesn't want to lose me and wants to pick up where we left off in the future once he's resolved his emotional problems. - He said he would give me the time I need to get over my "emotional confusion". Do we think this was flat out rejection - or possibly a case of bad timing? Link to post Share on other sites
Erik30 Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 Both rejection and bad timing. He lives with his girlfriend. Plus you have known him for ten years, how much more time did you need to process your feelings? He probably liked you at some point but moved on to another girl. Maybe also a case of wanting what you can't have. And I can imagine his girlfriend wouldn't be too happy about him being in contact with a female friend who wants him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 More than likely he will tell her about your conversation and she will no longer be comfortable with you being his/their friend. It's a good thing you've already made it up in your mind to end the friendship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovezen_30 Posted December 13, 2015 Author Share Posted December 13, 2015 Both rejection and bad timing. He lives with his girlfriend. Plus you have known him for ten years, how much more time did you need to process your feelings? He probably liked you at some point but moved on to another girl. Maybe also a case of wanting what you can't have. And I can imagine his girlfriend wouldn't be too happy about him being in contact with a female friend who wants him. We have been physically apart for most of those ten years. We were finally able to be in the same place again last year, by which point he was living with his girlfriend. It's not wanting what I can't have - it just wasn't physically possible to have a relationship before. Spending more time together in person caused me to fall for him. I know. He asked when we could talk and see each other again, though he said he's happy to give me the space I need. I have no idea how long it will take to heal from this heartbreak Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovezen_30 Posted December 13, 2015 Author Share Posted December 13, 2015 More than likely he will tell her about your conversation and she will no longer be comfortable with you being his/their friend. It's a good thing you've already made it up in your mind to end the friendship. I don't think he will tell her anything. He also said he wants to support me and be there for me in any way he can. He signed off by saying "this isn't the end of our friendship" - he can't let go platonically, yet I was so sure his feelings ran deeper. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 - He admitted he has been going through a sort of depression for the past 1 1/2 years - In response to my saying that I had been processing feelings for him - he said he had not yet had the opportunity to process HIS feelings because of his "personal situation". - He told me he thinks that "Platonic" friendship is the most profound relationship there is. And that he doesn't want to lose me and wants to pick up where we left off in the future once he's resolved his emotional problems. - He said he would give me the time I need to get over my "emotional confusion". Do we think this was flat out rejection - or possibly a case of bad timing? It was a rejection. He loves and cares about you deeply, he values your (platonic) friendship with him and probably thinks of you as family...That's genuine and honest but he isn't 'in love' with you and he isn't sexually or romantically into you the way you are with him. I'm sure it hurts but at least now you know and you won't waste time pining for him and hoping he'll wake up one day and be with you. He is serious about his girlfriend, they live together and are building a life together. He wants the friendship but only if you handle it and can totally get over him and detach, rid of the feelings you have for him. The thing is, once "it's out there", it's hard to go back to as things were before you admitted your feelings for him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovezen_30 Posted December 13, 2015 Author Share Posted December 13, 2015 (edited) It was a rejection. He loves and cares about you deeply, he values your (platonic) friendship with him and probably thinks of you as family...That's genuine and honest but he isn't 'in love' with you and he isn't sexually or romantically into you the way you are with him. I'm sure it hurts but at least now you know and you won't waste time pining for him and hoping he'll wake up one day and be with you. He is serious about his girlfriend, they live together and are building a life together. He wants the friendship but only if you handle it and can totally get over him and detach, rid of the feelings you have for him. The thing is, once "it's out there", it's hard to go back to as things were before you admitted your feelings for him. The thing is he behaved romantically. He even wrote me letters and even earlier in this year he was telling me how "beautiful" I am. I even caught him checking me out last time in saw him in person. He has made explicit sexual jokes in the past. As you say, it seems on one level to be familial love. But on the other hand - I know he is attracted to me, because he has told me I am his type. He actually said he hopes to "spend more time together" and "take this up again" when he has resolved his own emotional difficulties. Is that not dangling a carrot or am I still reading into things? Edited December 13, 2015 by Lovezen_30 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 It's a no. My read on it is the part where he opens about depression the last couple of years was his response to your confession of love. He was thinking, How did that happen? Did I do anything to give her the wrong impression? Did I lean on her too much and she got the wrong idea? Well, I have been out of sorts the past couple of years, so my bad. The rest is he's already otherwise emotionally invested and he only wants to be friends with you, which you shouldn't do since you are in love. You need to move on and let him go. Sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovezen_30 Posted December 13, 2015 Author Share Posted December 13, 2015 It's a no. My read on it is the part where he opens about depression the last couple of years was his response to your confession of love. He was thinking, How did that happen? Did I do anything to give her the wrong impression? Did I lean on her too much and she got the wrong idea? Well, I have been out of sorts the past couple of years, so my bad. The rest is he's already otherwise emotionally invested and he only wants to be friends with you, which you shouldn't do since you are in love. You need to move on and let him go. Sorry. I know I do. It's just so hard to believe. No other male friend, however close, has doted on me the way he does and I know the attraction is there. He talked about all the things he wanted us to do together and he even referred to me as "my angel". Even in that email, he says he wants us to spend more frequent time together once he has his head screwed on. Why behave in this way? Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 I dont think he ever planned on acting on any attraction. I can look at a guy friend and notice they're really handsome but never acknowledge nor act on it. I think a few affections seemed to have been expressed from him to you but it never meant more than a comfort level with you enough to be emotionally open. As you were developing feelings it would be easy to read that his niceness was more. But now you know..you read him wrong. Im sorry. Maybe in a few years you can talk to eachother and laugh about this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovezen_30 Posted December 13, 2015 Author Share Posted December 13, 2015 I dont think he ever planned on acting on any attraction. I can look at a guy friend and notice they're really handsome but never acknowledge nor act on it. I think a few affections seemed to have been expressed from him to you but it never meant more than a comfort level with you enough to be emotionally open. As you were developing feelings it would be easy to read that his niceness was more. But now you know..you read him wrong. Im sorry. Maybe in a few years you can talk to eachother and laugh about this. My intuition told me there was more there. It's a genuine shock to learn that's not the case. He has more or less told me this is one of the most, if not the most, important friendship in his life; that he won't be letting me go (even though I might need to be let go of) and that I am "beautiful" to him. Who wouldn't have read into these mixed signals somewhat? ps: maybe. But feeling rejected is a real blow when you know the person finds you attractive in a variety of ways. It just makes you think: what is wrong with me? I have attractive men that are interested in me...but he is my best friend, and he is the one I wanted. So sad. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 I don't think he will tell her anything. He also said he wants to support me and be there for me in any way he can. He signed off by saying "this isn't the end of our friendship" - he can't let go platonically, yet I was so sure his feelings ran deeper. Why wouldn't he? It's perfectly innocent on his part. I'm sure she's suspected it anyway. If you are moving on from this what does it matter? It seems you are trying to convince us that there is more between you two. You are the one who knew it should end because of your feelings for him so we are trying to support you to get over him. I do think he rejected you because he is in love with his gf. He may have flirted with you (innocently) and talked sexual (innocently) as alot of people do. It doesn't mean they want to fall in bed with you though. I'm a woman and tell my female friends I will support them in any way I can, but it doesn't mean I want them in a romantic way. This is what friends do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovezen_30 Posted December 13, 2015 Author Share Posted December 13, 2015 Why wouldn't he? It's perfectly innocent on his part. I'm sure she's suspected it anyway. If you are moving on from this what does it matter? It seems you are trying to convince us that there is more between you two. You are the one who knew it should end because of your feelings for him so we are trying to support you to get over him. I do think he rejected you because he is in love with his gf. He may have flirted with you (innocently) and talked sexual (innocently) as alot of people do. It doesn't mean they want to fall in bed with you though. I'm a woman and tell my female friends I will support them in any way I can, but it doesn't mean I want them in a romantic way. This is what friends do. Thanks for your perspective. I think part of the problem was - when I asked about his girlfriend, he rarely talked about her; when he did talk about her, it was usually discontent in the relationship and finally he has never introduced us both. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 My intuition told me there was more there. It's a genuine shock to learn that's not the case. He has more or less told me this is one of the most, if not the most, important friendship in his life; that he won't be letting me go (even though I might need to be let go of) and that I am "beautiful" to him. This is the same as someone saying you are a beautiful person. Again, this doesn't seem to be said in a romantic way. Who wouldn't have read into these mixed signals somewhat? Sometimes we read things the way we want to see them. ps: maybe. But feeling rejected is a real blow when you know the person finds you attractive in a variety of ways. It just makes you think: but what is wrong with me? I have attractive men that are interested in me...he is my best friend, and he is the one I wanted. So sad. You are discounting his gf! If he is truly your BEST FRIEND then you have been to their house, they've been to yours, attended events with them, you are friendly with her, they are both trying to help you meet a guy. If none of these things are happening you are not his best friend. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 Thanks for your perspective. I think part of the problem was - when I asked about his girlfriend, he rarely talked about her; when he did talk about her, it was usually discontent in the relationship and finally he has never introduced us both. Then he doesn't think of you as his best friend. Best friends can't wait for you to meet their SO. Link to post Share on other sites
oberkeat Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 I told my best male friend of 10 years that I have feelings for him via email. Sadly for me, he has a serious girlfriend he lives with and I realised it was too painful for me to continue the friendship while watching his relationship. Quick background: during the time that we've been friends, he has expressed attraction and deep admiration, respect and love for me. We have lived apart for most of our lives and so nothing could have really happened. I told him that having had time to process my feelings for him more recently, I have realised that I have deeper feelings for him. Anyway, I saw his relationship with this woman progressing and panicked, thinking: what if he marries her? His response was really heartfelt, but a gentle rejection I think: - He admitted he has been going through a sort of depression for the past 1 1/2 years - In response to my saying that I had been processing feelings for him - he said he had not yet had the opportunity to process HIS feelings because of his "personal situation". - He told me he thinks that "Platonic" friendship is the most profound relationship there is. And that he doesn't want to lose me and wants to pick up where we left off in the future once he's resolved his emotional problems. - He said he would give me the time I need to get over my "emotional confusion". Do we think this was flat out rejection - or possibly a case of bad timing? There are plenty of decent single guys like myself out there who need a girlfriend. You need to hit the street and find one of them. Sitting around, moping about this unavailable guy who has a live-in girlfriend is irrational, illogical, and makes you look desperate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovezen_30 Posted December 13, 2015 Author Share Posted December 13, 2015 Then he doesn't think of you as his best friend. Best friends can't wait for you to meet their SO. And yet he just told me today that he regards us as being "very close". We've been friends for a decade for god sake. What gives? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovezen_30 Posted December 13, 2015 Author Share Posted December 13, 2015 There are plenty of decent single guys like myself out there who need a girlfriend. You need to hit the street and find one of them. Sitting around, moping about this unavailable guy who has a live-in girlfriend is irrational, illogical, and makes you look desperate. I have actually *just* started seeing someone new. As feelings for him have grown, my feelings for this friend resurfaced with a vengeance. It sort of propelled me on to do something about it finally. Link to post Share on other sites
oberkeat Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 I have actually *just* started seeing someone new. As feelings for him have grown, my feelings for this friend resurfaced with a vengeance. It sort of propelled me on to do something about it finally. That makes it even worse. Dating someone while you still have these intense feelings for someone else is no good either. You're starting to sound like someone who's totally untrustworthy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovezen_30 Posted December 13, 2015 Author Share Posted December 13, 2015 That makes it even worse. Dating someone while you still have these intense feelings for someone else is no good either. You're starting to sound like someone who's totally untrustworthy. I'm not untrustworthy at all (we've been on one date and currently talk a lot online because he's working away for a few weeks). I'm a good person. It's just that trying to move on without telling my friend how I felt about him/pretend I didn't feel so strongly wasn't going to work. Now I hope I can make more of a clean break. It's really hard not to take this personally though. He makes out like I'm the perfect woman....obviously just not for him though Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 The thing is he behaved romantically. He even wrote me letters and even earlier in this year he was telling me how "beautiful" I am. I even caught him checking me out last time in saw him in person. He has made explicit sexual jokes in the past. As you say, it seems on one level to be familial love. But on the other hand - I know he is attracted to me, because he has told me I am his type. He actually said he hopes to "spend more time together" and "take this up again" when he has resolved his own emotional difficulties. Is that not dangling a carrot or am I still reading into things? Then he is playing an ego game. Or he's one who needs a lot of female attention. If he felt 'love' then he would have told you he felt the same, instead he wants distance for you to get over him. It's like he was flirting and having fun without considering how it would come across or even consider that you had feelings for him but now he knows, he's done a 180. That's not a kind thing to do to someone! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Thanks for your perspective. I think part of the problem was - when I asked about his girlfriend, he rarely talked about her; when he did talk about her, it was usually discontent in the relationship and finally he has never introduced us both. He did that on purpose, I mean if he said things were great and talked about her a lot to you, then he wouldn't be able to flirt and play. You probably wouldn't like to hear it all either... He isn't stupid, he probably has known how you felt for a while but didn't want to say anything. Its a friendship that is selfish, kept away from his gf. If you truly were his bestfriend wouldn't you have met her and been a part of their lives? He kept it separate for his ego. so it seems. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 And yet he just told me today that he regards us as being "very close". We've been friends for a decade for god sake. What gives? You should have asked him why he hasn't introduced you to his gf if you two are "very close". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovezen_30 Posted December 14, 2015 Author Share Posted December 14, 2015 You should have asked him why he hasn't introduced you to his gf if you two are "very close". I know - I'm sure he'd have some perfect excuse ready though. I've been thinking a lot about why I'm so devastated about this rejection and I think I know: no other male has appreciated me in the way my friend has. He tells me he admires my strength ("you are much stronger than me"), my way with kids, my "talent", how well I treat friends and how "I know you'll achieve anything you set your mind to." In that rejection email, he also said NC was going to be difficult because he wants to be my support through life's difficulties. And yet - despite seeming to value all these things in me - and saying that he finds me "beautiful" - it's still not enough? I don't know how to reconcile that at all. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 You are really assigning meaning to his behavior when it doesn't mean anything. If he calls you beautiful, it simply means you are beautiful. Not that he wants to be with you. If he's checking you out, it simply means you look good that day, or that he is horny and appreciating your appearance. Doesn't mean he wants to be with you. I don't see anything in his response to you that indicates he wants anything romantic with you. You have GOT to let go of any dream of a romantic future with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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