Fallen out of love with my wife

[CantCook]

Hi everyone this is my first thread at LS. Need some advice for my lousy marriage. Apologies for a wall of text here...

 

My wife and I are in our mid 50s, married 27 years. I'm retired a couple of years, my wife is winding down her career as an RN. We're comfortable, no money issues. No kids, I didn't want kids, I come from a dysfunctional family and I didn't want to be a father. My wife comes from a dysfunctional family too, but she wanted kids.

 

My wife and I have fallen out of love with each other, me so more than she has.

 

We've had a couple of all night confrontations/discussions the last couple of weeks. Me replaying a married life of her flirting with other men, embarrassing me at parties, emasculating me. She's in tears (now) apologizing for 'acting like a horrible person, and treating you so badly over the years'. I asked her several times, tell me the god damned truth did you cheat on me, if I'm going to forgive you for any past bad behavior, I need to know what I'm forgiving. Tells me she's never cheated, never kissed another man, never phoned another man (I never caught her cheating). Worst examples, her sitting on another man's lap chatting him up, or sitting next to a guy putting her hand on his thigh. These were my friends on my basketball team, or fastball team. They didn't come on to her, I know her I've seen her in action, she'd come on to them. Or standing really close talking to guys laughing it up, I'd have to come grab her and haul her away. All this usually when she had too much to drink. A couple of GNOs dancing without my knowledge ahead of time. She had the lack of empathy to tell me after one GNO a girlfriend on the GNO asked her "Are you cheating on CantCook"?

 

Why didn't I kick her ass to the curb... she was blonde, blue-eyed, pretty, was fun, and ****ed (me) like a mink. I don't mean to be crude when I write that, I was smitten and really bonded with her, would have died for her. But looking back I was weak, damn it, if I could go back in time with a do over I never would have married her or I would have divorced her early in our marriage for her ****ty behavior.

 

I asked her last night were you abused as child? She tells me in tears for the first time ever last night that she was sexually assaulted as a 10 or 11 year old. She's never told anyone. An older teenager friend of her brother walked her away from home into a a secluded area and exposed himself to her and asked her to touch his erect penis. She did. He then asked to touch her she said no, but she doesn't remember anything after that. She remembers him always being really friendly to her after that but doesn't have any other memories of other sexual assaults. She wonders if she's suppressing this. Is this memory suppression even possible in real life, outside of a movie, does this happen?

 

Then she tells me last night again for the first time, when she was 13 years old she was at home when her mother tried to commit suicide by overdose and her alcoholic father (while restrained by relatives) shouted "Let her die!" to everyone. Yikes.

 

So my wife and I want want to arrange counseling for her to discuss her childhood memories (is trauma a better word?), particularly the sexual assault.

 

I need some coaching how find a good counselor for her. I'm retired, she's nearly retired so EAP is likely not at option. She's going to check with HR at her hospital for an IC recommendation, and also with her family doctor for a recommendation. Other ideas? I'm an agnostic / atheist, a religious counselor is not an option, my wife agrees.

 

She has agreed to take a polygraph test to help me get some closure on infidelity worries I have. Problem here, it's slim pickings for polygraph examiners, there's only 1 in my entire province, it's a 5 hour drive round trip. I've spoken to the guy, he's ex local police force I guess that's good, but wish I had more to choose from. Going to have to think about how to make this 5 hour road trip bearable for my wife and I. Suggestions welcome. Other examiners mean an overnight trip to a large city in a neighboring province.

 

Lastly (thanks for your interest if you've read this far), I want to work on our marriage but I will have a hard time talking about our marriage problems to a MC, embarrassed. Are there books for couples you could recommend we could read together to rebuild a marriage?

[lollipopspot]

You sound really angry and unempathetic and the way you talk about her is kind of gross.

 

Who knows if she cheated, but to me a polygraph test is over the top. You clearly don't trust her. Why is it coming to the surface right now? Do you think she's having an affair now? Deal with the present, not the past.

 

This is a case where divorce seems as good as trying to stay together, the wall of anger is so high. She's missed the boat on those kids she wanted to have, but maybe you can both find partners you can build a better life with.

 

Many of us wish we could have do-overs on certain parts of our lives - you can only deal with the present though. She's also probably looking back about now and wishing that she had found someone who wanted to have kids with her.

Edited December 13, 2015 by lollipopspot

[Ladyjane14]

You're in what John Gottman refers to as "the Roach Motel for lovers". And yeah, your situation is salvageable, but you've both got to get on board. Try What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal, and follow it up with The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

 

In these works, Gottman puts our interactions with our spouse as being in the "nice, nasty, or neutral box". You guys apparently have quite a number of transactions unresolved from "the nasty box", but that's not unrecoverable if you're both willing to work on it. (Mine is a short and poor synopsis for a much more in-depth body of work. Gottman's "love lab" can predict divorce with over 90% accuracy upon examination of a couple. He's good.)

 

Anyway, I'm not a professional and not nearly so good, but I couldn't help noting your mention of not wanting children while she did. Could there be a little unresolved guilt there that you're processing subconsciously by pushing her away and finding fault with her? You won't know until you dig in and start examining all the relationship dynamics.

 

You've got nearly three decades invested. At the minimum, by doing the work, you go forward knowing what went right and what went wrong so you don't repeat any mistakes. Nothing to lose... everything to gain.

[ShatteredLady]

When was the last time you felt loving towards your wife? Your post reads like you are holding & building an enormous amount of resentment. You speak with such disrespect it's brutal.

 

Denying yourself children for the love of someone is an incredible sacrifice. The LOVE must of been there for a very long time.

 

You've been through one of those life changing milestones. Retirement is HUGE. If these are recent thoughts....looking back at your life & questioning the alternatives you could of lived is very normal at this point....then it's a very different thing. Have you been this angry & resentful for a long time?

 

Has the physical intimacy gone from your marriage? That seemed to be a big priority for you.

 

From what you've written I think you need therapy as much as your wife. If you learn that there are many repressed skeletons in her closet will it erase your contempt?

 

This is so sad. At this time in your lives it would be wonderful if you were lovingly, enthusiastically planning your retirements together. You're a family who have shared a lifetime of memories. If you were asked to list all the good things about your wife, all of your favorite memories could you come-up with more than you've said? I'd be so hurt & insulted if the love of my life described me like that!

 

I think a poly is over the top....her willingness to do it should be an answer for you!

 

Would your wife come here? Both of you working together could be a kind of anonymous therapy??

Edited December 13, 2015 by ShatteredLady

[Grumpybutfun]

Your extreme focus on her alleged infidelity after the fact makes me wonder if you are harboring a tendre for a younger woman somewhere and want to free yourself without guilt so you can be with someone new....

Has she lost her looks as she has aged and it has reminded you of her flirtations now? Are you looking for excuses for something new to spice up your existence? Do you think it may be a mid life crisis making you very aware of her shortcomings now?

These are just some things you might want to consider before you blow up your marriage, man.

Good luck,

Grumps

[sandylee1]

If you've both fallen out of love ...why bother with a polygraph?

It seems pointless unless you wish to stay in the marriage..which you don't sound too keen on.

 

A divorce with no little kids would be quitea bit easier.. although still very hard emotionally. You ask for therapy for your wife.. but it doesn't sound as though you even like her.... it's clear you don't love her.

 

Did you discuss not having kids before marriage? Did she know your views and agree on no kids?

 

I think that's a lot for a woman to give up TBH.... and yet out of love for you she was okay with that..

It's a huge sacrifice.

[lollipopspot]

Why didn't I kick her ass to the curb... she was blonde, blue-eyed, pretty, was fun, and ****ed (me) like a mink.

 

If you were asked to list all the good things about your wife, all of your favorite memories could you come-up with more than you've said? I'd be so hurt & insulted if the love of my life described me like that!

 

I would find it very hard to be described like that too. What are the inner qualities that kept you together, OP?

[CantCook]

Ouch. Deserved but ouch.

 

My apologies if I've offended any women posters who read my OP, ladies thank you for taking the time to post to me.

 

I can't deny it, I'm feeling very resentful towards my wife, and running on almost no sleep for a few nights. That comment about my wife was gross, very sorry for that.

 

I don't think she's having an affair right now, and she's no longer a binge drinker. But I'm afraid to forgive her and really open up and love her like I used to. Seems whenever I have tried to get over a disrespectful incident over the years, she hammers me again with another one. Last incident was a year ago. Although she and I dispute somewhat what happened. Christ I don't want to be a paranoid husband. I don't check up on her with GPS or keyloggers or any of that.

 

But it is to the point we avoid parties, I want to be a husband not a parent to her. We need to change things.

 

She just told me in tears she's so very sorry she's hurt me so many times. She's changed now, she won't do it again, she has my back from here on out. I guess that's the key thing right there, not even so much if she's cheated in the past (unconfirmed), but does she have my back in the future, can I trust her. She seems really sincere, she wants to respect herself and have others see her as a loving committed wife and not a binge drinker flirting with men.

 

Sex life is lousy. Obviously one of the things we need to fix.

 

Grumpybutfun: I don't want to step out on her, never have, only her while we're married.

 

----

 

Just discussed with my wife our decision about kids. We did not discuss children before we married, should have but didn't. We discussed it after we were married a few years that we wouldn't have kids. I didn't think I'd be a very good father. I hear very clearly what several of you have said, that my wife deserves props for staying married despite no children. I agreed. It helps to be reminded of this, thank you. Our relationship can't be a healthy one where only my needs are met. I'll put some more thought into counseling involving me.

 

Despite my OP, I do want to rebuild this marriage and have us both be really happy in it. I appreciate your advice.

[Popsicle]

You put out the energy of someone who has fallen out of love for your own reasons, nothing to do with how she's behaved, and wants to leave but doesn't want any guilt in doing so.

 

It would be more respectful just to tell her you've fallen out of love and grown apart and want to leave and not blame her. And in all honesty, she's probably fallen out of love with you too and if she's mature and honest can admit it and part on good terms.

[Ladyjane14]

Ouch. Deserved but ouch.

 

My apologies if I've offended any women posters who read my OP, ladies thank you for taking the time to post to me.

 

I can't deny it, I'm feeling very resentful towards my wife, and running on almost no sleep for a few nights. That comment about my wife was gross, very sorry for that.

 

I don't think she's having an affair right now, and she's no longer a binge drinker. But I'm afraid to forgive her and really open up and love her like I used to. Seems whenever I have tried to get over a disrespectful incident over the years, she hammers me again with another one. Last incident was a year ago. Although she and I dispute somewhat what happened. Christ I don't want to be a paranoid husband. I don't check up on her with GPS or keyloggers or any of that.

 

But it is to the point we avoid parties, I want to be a husband not a parent to her. We need to change things.

 

She just told me in tears she's so very sorry she's hurt me so many times. She's changed now, she won't do it again, she has my back from here on out. I guess that's the key thing right there, not even so much if she's cheated in the past (unconfirmed), but does she have my back in the future, can I trust her. She seems really sincere, she wants to respect herself and have others see her as a loving committed wife and not a binge drinker flirting with men.

 

Sex life is lousy. Obviously one of the things we need to fix.

 

Grumpybutfun: I don't want to step out on her, never have, only her while we're married.

 

----

 

Just discussed with my wife our decision about kids. We did not discuss children before we married, should have but didn't. We discussed it after we were married a few years that we wouldn't have kids. I didn't think I'd be a very good father. I hear very clearly what several of you have said, that my wife deserves props for staying married despite no children. I agreed. It helps to be reminded of this, thank you. Our relationship can't be a healthy one where only my needs are met. I'll put some more thought into counseling involving me.

 

Despite my OP, I do want to rebuild this marriage and have us both be really happy in it. I appreciate your advice.

 

Read the books I recommended to you earlier. I think you'll be surprised at how much positive change can still be made by turning toward one another rather than away.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Can't cook, your moniker suggests you would be hard put to manage on your own should you choose to divorce! However, seriously speaking, although I agree with some of the posters that your description of your wife was a bit over the top, I've also noted that most of the respondents have been the ladies populating this forum. The gents, except for Grumpy have been unusually quiet. My point is that while it is all right for the ladies to have taken note of your negativity regarding your wife they have ignored certain pertinent points that you highlighted. The only one who offered you positive feedback is Ladyjane. Specifically the points you have highlighted are your wife's flirtatiousness over the years and her regular emasculation of you in a public setting. To my mind that was very disrespectful of your wife and the fact that you stuck by her through years of disrespect speaks to your basic integrity and decency. I wonder if some of your discomfort has been triggered by your subconscious mind, the proverbial gut feeling that everyone here is familiar with. If that be the case then may be there is some genuine smoke and a fire cannot be very far away.

Three decades of married life is a lot to throw away unless the marriage is irrecoverable. You two seem to be on a cusp where things could go either way. Your wife has expressed her regret ( and remorse?) at having treated you the way she has. I think with age a certain wisdom, like it or not, seeps into all of us and we are able to see things in perspective especially with regard to our own actions of commission and omission and your wife has probably realised the gravity of her misdemeanor towards you. Her tears probably indicate that she wants to start on a clean slate. As someone said, her consent to undergoing a polygraph indicates her conscience is clear with regard to actual infidelity as opposed to inappropriate behaviour over the years. You are the man in the driver's seat and only you can decide whether your marriage is worth saving or not. However, if you do decide to go ahead and save it, you must do so while fully respecting your wife as your partner and not as some slutty despicable woman who happens to be married to you. For the rest, take the good advice given by others here and make the best of a sticky situation. Cheers!

[sandylee1]

Her outright flirting was NOT ACCEPTABLE..... you should have called her on that years ago and if she couldn't drink without behaving that way........... she should have stopped consuming alcohol altogether.

 

I don't understand how people get married without discussing such an important thing like having children and how many........ you obviously knew you didn't want kids..... why did you not tell her before marriage? Who knows if she is a little resentful for that .

 

As you now say you want the marriage... I suggest you both seek marriage counselling....... but you both need to want the marriage and if you are all out of love. .... there's a lot of very hard work ahead for the two of you.

 

You need to let go of the resentment that you have.

[merrmeade]

Hi everyone this is my first thread at LS. Need some advice for my lousy marriage. Apologies for a wall of text here...

 

My wife and I are in our mid 50s, married 27 years. I'm retired a couple of years, my wife is winding down her career as an RN. We're comfortable, no money issues. No kids, I didn't want kids, I come from a dysfunctional family and I didn't want to be a father. My wife comes from a dysfunctional family too, but she wanted kids.

 

My wife and I have fallen out of love with each other, me so more than she has.

 

We've had a couple of all night confrontations/discussions the last couple of weeks. Me replaying a married life of her flirting with other men, embarrassing me at parties, emasculating me. She's in tears (now) apologizing for 'acting like a horrible person, and treating you so badly over the years'. I asked her several times, tell me the god damned truth did you cheat on me, if I'm going to forgive you for any past bad behavior, I need to know what I'm forgiving. Tells me she's never cheated, never kissed another man, never phoned another man (I never caught her cheating). Worst examples, her sitting on another man's lap chatting him up, or sitting next to a guy putting her hand on his thigh. These were my friends on my basketball team, or fastball team. They didn't come on to her, I know her I've seen her in action, she'd come on to them. Or standing really close talking to guys laughing it up, I'd have to come grab her and haul her away. All this usually when she had too much to drink. A couple of GNOs dancing without my knowledge ahead of time. She had the lack of empathy to tell me after one GNO a girlfriend on the GNO asked her "Are you cheating on CantCook"?

 

Why didn't I kick her ass to the curb... she was blonde, blue-eyed, pretty, was fun, and ****ed (me) like a mink. I don't mean to be crude when I write that, I was smitten and really bonded with her, would have died for her. But looking back I was weak, damn it, if I could go back in time with a do over I never would have married her or I would have divorced her early in our marriage for her ****ty behavior.

 

I asked her last night were you abused as child? She tells me in tears for the first time ever last night that she was sexually assaulted as a 10 or 11 year old. She's never told anyone. An older teenager friend of her brother walked her away from home into a a secluded area and exposed himself to her and asked her to touch his erect penis. She did. He then asked to touch her she said no, but she doesn't remember anything after that. She remembers him always being really friendly to her after that but doesn't have any other memories of other sexual assaults. She wonders if she's suppressing this. Is this memory suppression even possible in real life, outside of a movie, does this happen?

 

Then she tells me last night again for the first time, when she was 13 years old she was at home when her mother tried to commit suicide by overdose and her alcoholic father (while restrained by relatives) shouted "Let her die!" to everyone. Yikes.

 

So my wife and I want want to arrange counseling for her to discuss her childhood memories (is trauma a better word?), particularly the sexual assault.

 

I need some coaching how find a good counselor for her. I'm retired, she's nearly retired so EAP is likely not at option. She's going to check with HR at her hospital for an IC recommendation, and also with her family doctor for a recommendation. Other ideas? I'm an agnostic / atheist, a religious counselor is not an option, my wife agrees.

 

She has agreed to take a polygraph test to help me get some closure on infidelity worries I have. Problem here, it's slim pickings for polygraph examiners, there's only 1 in my entire province, it's a 5 hour drive round trip. I've spoken to the guy, he's ex local police force I guess that's good, but wish I had more to choose from. Going to have to think about how to make this 5 hour road trip bearable for my wife and I. Suggestions welcome. Other examiners mean an overnight trip to a large city in a neighboring province.

 

Lastly (thanks for your interest if you've read this far), I want to work on our marriage but I will have a hard time talking about our marriage problems to a MC, embarrassed. Are there books for couples you could recommend we could read together to rebuild a marriage?

All the replies so far are addressing your marital problems.

 

But I can't let go of one fundamental step you took in starting this thread: You chose the Infidelity forum - for a reason. The only question outright about infidelity was about the polygraph test, but I think the underlying unrest on your part is from this unanswered question.

 

So I had a husband who flirted flagrantly in front of me though not in that physical a manner. But it was unmistakable and when I brought it up he would ignore me or say I was crazy. I was humiliated and never vindicated for it.

 

So that's one thing. You simply cannot be abused like that and be expected to snap your fingers and let it go. Even hearing her call herself a horrible person now doesn't really 'fix' the original abuse that's gnawed at you.

 

But the other thing is bigger. In my case, in the end, I found out - from him - that there were a few actual affairs that resulted from that flirting. You feel it, and you haven't been convinced.

 

So I don't think any finger-shaking and marital counseling is going to effectively mollify the delayed anger about the flirting as long as the doubt is still there. I see nothing wrong with the polygraph since she's already agreed to it.

 

I only know enough about it from reading on LS to know that you need to research what kind of questions and be prepared to make it worthwhile.

 

I definitely think you should go ahead with it and have your doubts answered.

[spanz1]

 

She just told me in tears she's so very sorry she's hurt me so many times. She's changed now, she won't do it again, she has my back from here on out. I guess that's the key thing right there, not even so much if she's cheated in the past (unconfirmed), but does she have my back in the future, can I trust her. She seems really sincere, she wants to respect herself and have others see her as a loving committed wife and not a binge drinker flirting with men.

 

Sex life is lousy.

 

.

hmmmmm, well you put up with it for a LONG time. She sounds pretty slutty, putting her hand on guys thighs, etc, trying to instigate sex. So thelikelihood of her getting laid is pretty high. Of course the alcohol abuse was a factor, but in her sober moments she would have done something about it if she really had wanted to.

 

 

So if I were you I would just accept that fact that she cheated and move on from there. IF there is a chance you could learn to overlook her cheating, then give her a chance. She is TALKING a good game, but she needs to walk the walk now. Starting with sex. you need all the wild kinky sex you can get, and she had better put out. if she is still hesitating and refusing you...then dump her.

If she is trying, then give her some more chances.

If she is doing lots of other little things for you...i.e. really trying to turn things around, it could turn into a good relationship again.

 

 

your choice though, you would have to forget about her past...something many men could not do.

[understand50]

CantCook,

 

My take, for what it is worth, is that you do have some ideas that your wife may have been unfaithful, but you kick yourself in that you did not try and find out when it was happening. The problem is now, that she could have been faithful, but can not prove a negative, and if she hasn't been faithful, she is not going to tell unless you come up with some evidence.

 

Polygraph can be helpful, but realize that can be wrong, also the questions are general, and she in her mind can think she was unfaithful just from her flirty behavior. Bottom line, there can be doubt. I think you will never be able to get rid of all the doubt.

 

So......

 

I think you need to approach this as a 3 prong problem.

 

First, you need to decide if you are committed to the marriage, and ask her the same question. Take some time, and then ask her to as well to take some time. If you both decide, ask yourself and her if you are willing to do the hard work to make a better marriage. This should be the starting point.

 

Second, Carve out some time when you are both together as a couple. It is not fair to her or yourself if you are both mad at each other 24/7. Work on the sex life. Have sex. GO out, go out each week. Make time for each other. Court each other. Try and become a loving couple again. Do things you both like and did when younger.

 

Third, Keep your eyes open and keep digging until you are satisfied on what has gone on with your wife. This is going to hard, as you are approaching things that have happened in the past. Keep a open mind, give the benefit of the doubt. Ask her to explain when things do not seem to make sense. Accept that she MAY have cheated, but just as much, accept that she may have NOT cheated. Things do come out, but as you move along and get your relationship back, you may find she is able to open up and be more forthright on what she may or may not have done. If you are looking for a reason to divorce, and in your heart of hearts know she will never be really truthful, use that as part of your decision if you are willing to stay together. If it is just a question of "knowing" and you want to stay together, then take divorce off the table, forgive her and then ask for the truth. Keep in mind, that when you ask hard questions, you can and will get hard answers back.

 

Marriage is not easy, but it is worth the hard work. I wish you luck.

[turnera]

As for the polygraph, why can't you just make it an overnight trip? Surely they have hotels where you're going.

 

As for the marriage, I must be missing something because I don't see in here WHAT you're unhappy about except for the flirting. Is there more to it? Or are you just bored with her and want more sex? If that's it, that's fine, just be honest with yourself.

 

As for fixing the marriage, there are many things you could be doing. I would start with reading His Needs Her Needs together. Read a chapter at bed each night. Do the worksheets that come with it, and really LEARN about your partner.

[dreamingoftigers]

Your extreme focus on her alleged infidelity after the fact makes me wonder if you are harboring a tendre for a younger woman somewhere and want to free yourself without guilt so you can be with someone new....

Has she lost her looks as she has aged and it has reminded you of her flirtations now? Are you looking for excuses for something new to spice up your existence? Do you think it may be a mid life crisis making you very aware of her shortcomings now?

These are just some things you might want to consider before you blow up your marriage, man.

Good luck,

Grumps

 

I got the exact same vibe.

 

"I am looking outside the marriage listing after someone else, so my wife is now the Devil. Stuff that wasn't a big deal before is now EVIL INCARNATE."

 

So, OP, whose the charming gal?

[TrustedthenBusted]

Polygraph? Really?

 

If you don't want to stay married to her anymore, then don't. But it sounds like you are desperately searching for a reason to leave, that you can blame on her.

 

Don't do that. If you want to leave, just leave.

[sandylee1]

 

Hi everyone this is my first thread at LS. Need some advice for my lousy marriage. Apologies for a wall of text here...

 

 

My wife and I have fallen out of love with each other, me so more than she has.

 

 

 

if I could go back in time with a do over I never would have married her

 

 

?

 

Has she told you she's fallen out of love or are you assuming this?

 

Was there any reason not to marry her at the time you did? Or are you talking about her behaviour during the marriage?

 

I'm not sure how you asked her about whether she was sexually abused.... as in the tone.. but the way you've written it here.... it didn't come over as though it was done with any compassion... I might be wrong. ..sorry in advance if I am.

[pteromom]

She sounds pretty slutty, putting her hand on guys thighs, etc, trying to instigate sex.

 

I don't see any comments about her trying to instigate sex. Just flirting - albeit, yes, over the line of ok. But to me, she sounds pretty LONELY, not slutty.

 

So if I were you I would just accept that fact that she cheated and move on from there.

 

Huh? I don't see any evidence that she cheated. Only insecurity about the possibility on the OP's sde.

 

you need all the wild kinky sex you can get, and she had better put out. if she is still hesitating and refusing you...then dump her.

Oh brother. This is just silly. You sound like someone who has never been married.

 

----

 

OP -

 

This whole thing is just not fair to your wife.

 

She wanted kids, but decided that she would let go of that dream and build a life with you instead. Now that she is too old to have them, you are deciding that you are "out of love" with her because she is no longer young and pretty and hot for sex.

 

That is bulls**t of the highest order.

 

You need to get back in there and work on making this marriage better. Not about what you GET from her, but about what you GIVE. Feelings follow action. Treat her with love and kindness and TRUST(!!!) and vulnerability.

 

A polygraph test? That is ridiculous... unless you have some evidence you aren't sharing with us outside of "she sat in someone's lap and put someone's hand on her thigh!" ---- That just makes you sound petty and insecure and looking for someone to blame for your unhappiness.

[World's.Edge]

CantCook, you wrote that she apologized for acting like a horrible person and treating you badly over the years. What brought on the apologies and the confrontations/discussions?

 

Your resentment towards her for how she's treated you is understandable. You'll have to work through your feelings of animosity towards her, and the anger you hold towards yourself for being "weak" and allowing her to treat you the way she did. If you can't, you might need the help of a therapist or counsellor, and if you can't with professional help, then maybe you should just move on.

 

You've been accused of suddenly wanting to leave and divorce her now because she is older and no longer young and pretty (is if everything else you've mentioned of your relationship is inconsequential).

 

Well conversely, one could then also write that she is suddenly apologetic because she is older and no longer young and pretty. She's realized that her looks don't afford her the same attention and notice that she used to receive, her romantic prospects have declined, her options are limited and there exists a real possibility of you leaving her, which means that she'll have to face an uncertain, unstable future, likely alone.

 

 

Not all men and women who... endure "mistreatment" in a relationship continue to do so indefinitely. It can take time to find the strength and mettle to stand up for one's self, confront issues or to end the relationship.

 

The past matters. Just because someone becomes aware of their past behaviour and issues apologies, it doesn't mean their past actions are undone. Those stay with the person affected, often to their detriment.

 

Maybe she is being sincere and has changed, but you wrote that her last incident was a year ago and you have to avoid parties because of her behaviour:confused:.. which isn't good or promising.

 

 

Having/not having children can be a huge issue in a marriage. If the issue of children was so important to her, you two could have discussed it further, had more discussions and talked it to death, and if a resolution to both your satisfactions couldn't be reached, then she could have proceeded or left.

She could have left upon finding out that you didn't want children or even gotten pregnant, it happens. Making the sacrifice to not have children and martyring herself was wholly unnecessary.

 

 

If you feel that your marriage is worth working on, then do it right. You have to communicate with your wife, seek to confront and resolve all of the issues in your marriage. You don't trust her and resent her treatment of you throughout your relationship, do you see that changing and you having loving feelings towards her again?

 

You clearly need answers and a resolution on whether she has been unfaithful. If you feel you cannot take her word for it and have no other avenues open to you, then go for the polygraph. Although if you don't trust her, I don't think any honesty on her part during the test would help or assuage your suspicions. Trust in a relationship is invaluable and almost impossible to restore by someone who's broken that trust and shown themselves to be untrustworthy.

 

Figure out in what ways and areas you want to improve your marriage, e.g. time spent together, intimacy and affection, communication, sex, honesty, consideration, etc.

 

If you also just want to end the marriage and that's your desire, then just do so. You don't have to defend your decision or justify it to anyone here.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Can't Cook, Haven't seen you responding after your second post. In case you are still engaged with this thread of yours then the analysis and advice given by World's edge is not only sage but very actionable. If you ate really serious about resolving the issues between your wife and yourself you need to take some of the advice offered both the positive and the harsh and do some introspection about where exactly you and your wife are placed with regard to resolving your issues and recovering your marriage. My impression is that inspire of all your bottled up resentments you would like to salvage your marriage. If so then do the spade work necessary and put your heart and soul into recovering your marriage of course with your wife fully on board. Ignore the negative bashing that you are getting from people here because in the final analysis it is your life and only you know where the shoe pinches. Warm wishes.

[CantCook]

So I'm back. Mr. Resentful. Thanks everybody for taking the time for your advice, different opinions, it's all good.

 

So that was the word I went to bed with the other night after reading your first replies, r-e-s-e-n-t-f-u-l. Gave me something pretty meaty to think about. And honestly, what else would the rest of you think given my OP.

 

(Note to lurkers - don't start your first thread at LS being all hungover / drunk / groggy from an all-night-bender-Xmas-party-then-confrontation-with-wife-until-9:00-a.m.)

 

OTOH, being in an 'off balance' state got me off my ass to finally ask for help on LS, I've been lurkering here for a couple of years. Lurking here and at TAM, and SI, mostly the infidelity forums. The last couple of weeks I've been kind of glued to these forums, all day long. Was riding my bike and got hit by a car, fractured rib, so I've been at home recuperating in front of the computer. Forum reading all nighters. These forums have been an education, a safe place for me to meditate about marriage/infidelity, but I think has lately become a way to wall off from my wife.

 

After re-reading your initial 2X4's, in lieu of having no self-help couples books at hand, yesterday I thought it would be good for my wife (M) and I to read someone's infidelity story together. Don't get mad LS, I chose poor old Walloped's thread at SI. He and his wife married 25 years, his brother sees Walloped's wife holding hands with her boyfriend in downtown N.Y. Affair busted, Walloped's 'fun' begins.

 

I ask M if she'd like to read this thread together. She says sure, I think partly maybe mostly it's something to do together and to try fix things. Also curiousity about what the hell I'm reading all day long.

I'm thinking great we'll read his story and all the advice by the SI fire brigade in the infidelity forum and I was hopeful we'd have some good discussion. I've read his 70 page story thru twice, I know his story.

 

My third time reading his story was a little different. I start reading aloud Walloped's first post. By the 2nd sentence I've got tears running down my face, damn it I'm crying in front of my wife. So onward we went, a very emotional experience for both of us. It was getting late, we stopped on page 19. My wife is crying really hard after Walloped's OP, she says "I never realized how much I hurt you". Yea for Walloped, thanks man. So that was good.

 

I'm a sleep deprived zombie husband at this point, crash hard that night. Get up the next day at noon, wife greets me all teary-eyed. Said she was online doing some reading and reads me a little note after I yawn-walk to the bottom of the stairs "Put love first. My spouse and my relationship have to be my first priority". Some big hugs from M to me. Nice way to start the day!

 

If M can be as remorseful as Walloped's wife, and if I can be as forgiving and I think the best words are act as honourably/nobly towards my wife as Walloped has to his, I think M and I might be on our way. Long way to go, but first steps on all that.

 

In addition to all the trust baggage in our relationship, we think we've been taking each other for granted for quite a while. Last night we were at meeting for a Nature Society we belong to and I held M's hand while we watching presentations. She told me this morning it was nice to hold hands last night.

 

We're going to finish Walloped's thread together over the next couple of days, M wants to know how the story turns out. Yesterday we ordered, His Needs Her Needs, How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, and Not Just Friends. I'm little worried here, I'm the reader, my wife's a people person not a reader. We'll see how this goes, reading them together I guess makes the most sense? Aloud to one another?

 

Thanks everybody, I'll try to respond to your comments in a followup post.

[turnera]

Nice! And I hope you recover soon; that sucks.

 

My H isn't a reader at all (dyslexia), so I kept HNHN in the car with me, and every time we were driving somewhere, I'd read it to him out loud (whether he wanted me to or not; where was he going to go?). He learned a lot just from that.

[CantCook]

My H isn't a reader at all (dyslexia), so I kept HNHN in the car with me, and every time we were driving somewhere, I'd read it to him out loud (whether he wanted me to or not; where was he going to go?). He learned a lot just from that.

Thanks T. You vill listen to zis veather you vant to not! Ha ha. Good for you, with dyslexia not many choices. Audio book version? I listen to audio novels all the time when driving.

 

I guess we'll try reading the books to each other out loud, seemed to work in your case, reading Walloped's thread out loud together did something for us / to us.