SW1738 Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 (FYI-He was my first date post-divorce) As soon as we met there was electric attraction. We had fun, lots in common, and great chemistry. We went on 3 dates in 2 weeks with flirty texts daily. We had awesome sex on 4th and 5th dates. I started falling for him, got scared, asked for a step back on the sex to focus on getting to know each other. He acted like he agreed. He didn't text or call for 3 days (unusual). I sent a text saying he must not like me that way and take care (too much drama, I know). He ignored the text and unfriended me on Facebook. A couple days later, I texted him a confession of my feelings with a sincere apology for sending mixed signals. I told him i would like another chance with him. I promised to not contact him again. He did not respond. I did many things wrong but I learned from my mistakes. I have a new date set up this week. I am moving on. BUT oh my goodness the sex was great (he thought so too) and he thought I was hot with a nice figure. SO give it to me straight, can I hold out a tiny bit of hope he'll call me back some day for a re-do? Link to post Share on other sites
WomenWubber Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Seems like he's not interested in long-term and is probably getting NSA sex somewhere else. If the sex was any good, maybe he'll come around. Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Could be what WomenWubber suggested... ...could also be that he realized you're not completely over whatever went before/not [yet] relationship material, and he didn't want to be That Guy That Gets Used To Get Over That Last A**hole. Can't really blame him, either way - whether he was simply looking for good, regular sex or a real relationship - now can ya? Best of luck to you, OP... Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 When he calls, you can be certain that he is calling most significantly on the chance you might have sex with him. The variable is more "will you answer the phone???" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SW1738 Posted December 14, 2015 Author Share Posted December 14, 2015 SincereOnlineGuy, Good point! Completely ignoring a sincere apology is a bit mean. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 This is easy: You had sex too early in the "relationship" and I use quotes because that is what it became for you, OP. He wasn't there yet so when you tried to dial it back AFTER having sex, he lost interest. You had started the bonding process and got your heart involved too soon and now it is probably too late. Next time, have the talk about feelings and exclusivity before putting out and making sure you both are on the same page about where the relationship is going. Make sure you both want the same thing before introducing sex. Your follow-up was basically begging him to come back which put the power in his hands and shows you as week. Go ahead and block him and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SW1738 Posted December 14, 2015 Author Share Posted December 14, 2015 CarrieT, I think you figured it out. I didn't think about it that way. I learned many lessons here. #1 is don't give it up until I am his girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
theredpill Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 In my experience sex happens on date 2, 3 or 4 and only a handful of times has it happened after the first date - although one of these turned into an 11 year relationship. There's no need to wait until you're BF/GF (gotta try the goods aint'cha!) and you can have the exclusivity talk way before "the actual talk" Sex is normal, embrace it and don't let this experience taint things or stop you doing what's normal, if a girl I was dating made me wait until we were BF/GF... I'd be asking what's going on after date 4 and there wouldn't be a date 5 if she wasn't authentic and open about it. I also tend to wait at least 3 months before agreeing to be a couple, no matter what's discussed - if things are still great by this time, I'm in! Link to post Share on other sites
Wewon Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 When I read your OP I didn't see anything that you had to apologize for as you did nothing "wrong", in the sense of mistreatment. What I think that both of you did wrong was that neither of you made an effort to communicate about the sex aspect of things. You both seemed to make the assumption that you knew what was going through the other's mind. If there are any lessons to learn here, that should be one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
pidgeon1010 Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 There is nothing wrong with having sex during the early states of getting to know someone (I wouldn't do it just because it takes me awhile to get to know someone and develop an emotional connection) but be prepared for it to mean nothing. If you are looking for a exclusive committed relationship, it may make sense to take it easy, get to know the person and go from there with the sex coming later, after the "talk" which could be a few months down the road. There so many guys out there "not looking for anything serious" and just looking for women to date and sleep with casually. You developed feelings and thought that sex meant something and would lead to an exclusive relationship, he probably thought you were just "DTF" with no labels. You can't introduce sex and then try to dial it back as a means to get to more. You either have sex and just continue on and hope feelings develop and the guy is not a scumbag or wait so you can get to know the person, what they are looking for, etc. Even with the latter, you may still get played but the likelihood of the guy disappearing after sex or relegating you to a casual sex partner is higher when you sleep with them early without any commitment. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 CarrieT, I think you figured it out. I didn't think about it that way. I learned many lessons here. #1 is don't give it up until I am his girlfriend. That's not the correct lesson either. Sex isn't something you use as bait like you are in a hostage situation. Quite simply, he didn't see anything long-term with you and when you pressed him, he bounced. And when you proposed to withhold sex (a huge no-no) that made his decision that much easier. However a guy feels when he first has sex with you is how he'll perceive you from that point on. Doesn't matter if you have second on date 2 or month 2. If he's interested in a long-term romantic relationship, he'll up the ante after sex. If he's interested in having fun but doesn't see anything long-term, he'll continue to date you and have sex until he feels uncomfortable with the arrangement. If he's looking for a pure "hit it and quit it" or FWB, he'll back off after sex and won't contact you unless you chase after him looking for sex. I would guess you were in Door No. 2. So in that case, maybe down the road you'll go on dates and have sex again if he feels you're down for a more casual relationship. But if you are looking for something long-term and romantic, you aren't going to get it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SW1738 Posted December 15, 2015 Author Share Posted December 15, 2015 I did not mean to use sex as bait, I meant to save it for the guys that show they are interested in me for more than just getting sex to protect myself from getting hurt. Seems I can't win. If I have sex early, I risk getting attached too early, the guy disappearing, and I get hurt. If I hold off, I risk losing a good guy (and girls have needs too). Am I right? After being with one guy for 25 years (I am 40 now) this is very confusing and seems like a no-win. Better than being with him though! Thanks all! Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 I did not mean to use sex as bait, I meant to save it for the guys that show they are interested in me for more than just getting sex to protect myself from getting hurt. Seems I can't win. If I have sex early, I risk getting attached too early, the guy disappearing, and I get hurt. If I hold off, I risk losing a good guy (and girls have needs too). Am I right? After being with one guy for 25 years (I am 40 now) this is very confusing and seems like a no-win. Better than being with him though! Thanks all! The guy won't disappear if he really likes you. One of my buddies who has been happily married for a couple years had sex with his now-wife on their first date. This same guy dated a girl for 2.5 years that he had no intentions of marrying because she was convenient and low-maintenance. You should have sex if you want to have sex with a guy, not as a sealing or cementing of your love. If you don't, then don't. The right guy will stay with you if you have sex on date one or if you want to take it slow. Link to post Share on other sites
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