WestEndGirl Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 When I first reconnected with MM, I couldn't even contemplate having anyone else in my life. I was completely immersed in him and in our R. About a year ago, when things started to head south, I made the decision that I was being unfair for myself. I'm the single person here, not him. If he wants to stay in a crappy M, that's his choice. But I can make different choices. I have been dating since that time. Mostly "one-offs", and nothing serious/sexual. One thing I've learned is to keep that on ice till I start seeing someone seriously. But it's hard, because I keep comparing everyone to MM. No one seems to match up. No one's even close. At times, I feel like I'm doomed to settle for less. There aren't many single guys 40+ out there that fit my criteria, either. That's another problem. What about the rest of you? If you've ended the A, are you dating? If you're still in an A, do you keep your options open? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I'm ready. (excluding online/long-distance dating) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lilacwine Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 When I first reconnected with MM, I couldn't even contemplate having anyone else in my life. I was completely immersed in him and in our R. About a year ago, when things started to head south, I made the decision that I was being unfair for myself. I'm the single person here, not him. If he wants to stay in a crappy M, that's his choice. But I can make different choices. I have been dating since that time. Mostly "one-offs", and nothing serious/sexual. One thing I've learned is to keep that on ice till I start seeing someone seriously. But it's hard, because I keep comparing everyone to MM. No one seems to match up. No one's even close. At times, I feel like I'm doomed to settle for less. There aren't many single guys 40+ out there that fit my criteria, either. That's another problem. What about the rest of you? If you've ended the A, are you dating? If you're still in an A, do you keep your options open? Are you still invovled with the MM and dating others at the same time? You posted a thread a month ago about the MM disappearing. What has happened since? Does the MM know that you're also dating others or you keep that to yourself? I think the reason no one you date can compare to the MM is simply because you're still involved with him, you're still emotionally attached to him. If you cut him off completely and then go on a date when you feel you're ready, I'm sure you'll feel/see things differently. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoohard Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I attempted to date other guys while I was with MM but those attempts failed miserably. I am a one man at a time kind of a girl and MM had my heart so while I tried to have fun on my dates with other guys, I felt like I was distracted and never fully present. Granted, some of these guys just weren't a good fit but there were a couple I should have maybe given more of a chance to. It's really difficult for me to meet a guy that I have chemistry with as it is so MM monopolizing my thoughts didnt help. Also, I am ashamed to say that I would sometimes schedule dates with other guys just as a time filler for when MM wasn't available. Now that I'm no longer with MM, I am focusing on putting myself out there more. I also have very specific criteria and my dating pool is pretty shallow so I'm not optimistic, but at least I've moved past wanting to curl up in the fetal position and never wanting to leave my house mentality. I don't want to date just for the sake of dating - I want something of substance and want to meet someone who is serious about settling down. Dating is hard enough as it is, and now that my exMM doesn't occupy the bulk of my headspace, I am trying to give it a real shot, but boy is it hard. The intense, passion filled, weak-in-the-knees, smiling for no reason, floating on clouds, giddy feelings with my MM cannot be replicated. I just can't manufacture that kind of chemistry with someone else and am scared that I never will feel the way exMM made me feel. Sure, a couple of these guys are cute, sweet, funny or thoughtful, but I just don't feel anything for them. It's only been about 2.5 months post breakup so maybe I'm just expecting too much too soon. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author WestEndGirl Posted December 14, 2015 Author Share Posted December 14, 2015 Are you still invovled with the MM and dating others at the same time? You posted a thread a month ago about the MM disappearing. What has happened since? Does the MM know that you're also dating others or you keep that to yourself? He knows. I told him last year that I was keeping my eyes open. It's really not his business (just like his M is none of mine), but we're friends, and I don't mind sharing. I just see nothing changing. If I ever do, that's another story. I don't think he's good with me dating, but he's said that it's not fair to hold me back. I'm taking a hiatus from this A during the holidays. It's just too upsetting, just like it was last year. Especially New Year's. I'm reassessing everything now. This has gone on too long, and I'm ready to move on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author WestEndGirl Posted December 14, 2015 Author Share Posted December 14, 2015 I'm ready. (excluding online/long-distance dating) OMG, online dating sites are definitely not what they used to be 10-15 years ago. Scary places, those. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I thought I might want to date at some point but I've had time to think about it. No way am I dating again probably ever but not for a good long time for sure Link to post Share on other sites
Dela Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Oh, dating! I haven t had a date with a single guy in 18 months.. Huh Before i met MM i was happily single and not been dating for 6 months. I had a sort of cute single s*x friend but i didn t want a relationahip with him. I stopped seeing him 6 months before i met MM. I used to think i was single and fabulous.. Now i am in an affair and sort of miserable.. No dating during the A.. Not even talked to another guys... I cant even think of being with another man.. And the thought of being intimate with someone else is making me kinda sick... Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenAxe Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 2 weeks since seeing MW, yesterday I went for a walk with my dog, and new girl from online offered her company, was nice. We walked for about an hour. Oddly it's the same park the last "talk" was had 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 He knows. I told him last year that I was keeping my eyes open. It's really not his business (just like his M is none of mine), but we're friends, and I don't mind sharing. I just see nothing changing. If I ever do, that's another story. I don't think he's good with me dating, but he's said that it's not fair to hold me back. I'm taking a hiatus from this A during the holidays. It's just too upsetting, just like it was last year. Especially New Year's. I'm reassessing everything now. This has gone on too long, and I'm ready to move on. I recommend total NC. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BeautifulIdiot Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I'm at 4 months of NC and couldn't bear the thought of dating someone else. Everyone I look at I still compare to xmm but, after reading some things here in the last few days, I've decided I need to go on a date. Not have a relationship, just get out there and try to get rid of this ghost I'm carrying around with me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoohard Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I did feel like I wasn't ready and still am not fully ready to date, especially because of exMM's attempts to reach out to me a mere 2 weeks ago, but the guys I meet are through my social circle so I already know them or at least know of them and so that helps as opposed to online dating. So at the very least, I feel like I'm going out with friends or acquaintances. Also, I've been accepting every invitation I can for holiday parties and while I wont deny that thoughts about my exMM often come creeping back into my head, the the act of getting dolled up, enjoying the festivities and socializing is helping tremendously. You never know you will meet, and if nothing else, you enjoy some cocktails, good food and good music 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Moderator may pull this - If so I understand and accept that. I was the guy my (now wife) dated while keeping an emotional connection/relationship to her MM. It really messed up our relationship later on when we got serious and this came out. Recommend clean break from MM as you venture forward, and be open about yourself if you find the right guy. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Moderator may pull this - If so I understand and accept that. I was the guy my (now wife) dated while keeping an emotional connection/relationship to her MM. It really messed up our relationship later on when we got serious and this came out. Recommend clean break from MM as you venture forward, and be open about yourself if you find the right guy. Totally agree. It's not fair to a new love interest that you still keep ties to a married man you were in love with. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BeautifulIdiot Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Totally agree. It's not fair to a new love interest that you still keep ties to a married man you were in love with. Completely agree. It's hard enough not having the ghost of it follow you around never mind trying to engage something new whilst actually still keeping a fire burning elsewhere. That's no better than going into something allready cheating. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author WestEndGirl Posted December 15, 2015 Author Share Posted December 15, 2015 Not have a relationship, just get out there and try to get rid of this ghost I'm carrying around with me. That's kinda at the point where I'm at, as well. I'm not looking for a relationship, but I'm just getting into the swing of things. Most first dates don't result in another anyway, so it's not like I'm wasting a lot of my time. That's what online dating sites are for -- just hanging out so someone you don't particularly fancy anyway will never call again. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 I dated when I was with MM. I had a LOT of first dates. Since they didn't lead to sex, I didn't mention them to MM. I tried the online thing a while ago and I just can't make a connection. I always get guys who are so eager, but then are way "too busy" to meet for a cup of coffee for 2-3 weeks. Then they want sex details. I work from home, don't meet a lot of single men. When I see someone I like, I do make an effort to smile, let him know I'm interested. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 I'm at 4 months of NC and couldn't bear the thought of dating someone else. Everyone I look at I still compare to xmm but, after reading some things here in the last few days, I've decided I need to go on a date. Not have a relationship, just get out there and try to get rid of this ghost I'm carrying around with me. Please don't push yourself to do that. You don't sound ready. It's not fair to the man you date. Poppy. Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 I've been 'dating' since about March. And having a blast! Have met some great people. I use OLD and my profiles are pretty specific about the fact that I'm not looking for just sex or romance; more after company and to meet new interesting people. And I'm very up front about it on first meeting as well. My favs so far are a photographic journalist I catch up with whenever I'm in his city, a middle-aged gay man who lives walking distance from me and we hang out at least once most weekends when I'm home. And last but not least a young blues musician who is so gorgeous it hurts; we've just made the transition to FWB. He's my first other than MM since the A started five and a half years ago. MM knows all about my dating, and these three know about MM (as will anyone else I become fond of). I think this is easier for me than most because I'm not really by nature monogomous, and I'm not looking for a traditional couple type relationship. I actually wish I'd started earlier in the A. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 Oh and just to clarify, I obviously didn't meet the gay guy on OLD :-) I met him when I was stood up for a date. He and I got chatting at the bar. Best date I never had! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BeautifulIdiot Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 Please don't push yourself to do that. You don't sound ready. It's not fair to the man you date. Poppy. Thank you for your concern Poppy, I really do appreciate it and you're right, I'm definitely not ready for a relationship or anything more than one date. He knows I'm not ready for a relationship and that this really is just a 'date'. I made sure I was clear with him upfront so he doesn't think that it could lead to anything. I'm not even looking for sex, just a nice couple of uncomplicated hours of company. I feel like I need to get out there and start really trying to forget xmm. I want to get dressed up, go out and just relax and not have to think about anything more taxing than whether I'm having a good time with no complications. It's the whole 'rinse and repeat' thing someone mentioned about making new memories. It's my birthday, Christmas and New Year in the next few weeks and I dont want to go into that thinking about what it was last year. I'd rather go into it having a nice night out and reminding myself that there are nice guys out there who don't have extra strings attached and not keep going over the same stuff in my head. I'm not looking for it to go past one date but I just want to remember dating again. I never dated with xmm, it was all so secretive that we never just went out. I dont want that to be what I think about when I think about dating anymore and the only way I can do that is to remind myself. I've got my kids and my career and my friends but I need something that's just for me, even if it's just for one night. Link to post Share on other sites
WakingUp Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 Well I havent been dating as such, but I have a few male friends I hang out with as a result of the sport I participate in. Nothing remotely romantic, but still it is nice to have male company and feedback. Having said that, I have tried that online thing... blah, its not for me. However I went to a social function on the weekend that was organised by an online dating site... and had a wonderful time! And all the people I met were not actively online on the site... it seems that there are online daters and real life meet people types. Very interesting actually. And I just had a call from a really nice man I met there... and we are going out soon. It has done wonders for my confidence, and my general optimism about people. I am a big fan of NC and moving forward! Its a big, wonderful world and things really do get better. Hope and hugs to all who are hurting xxx 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 Been having a lot of sex dreams about various men (not xMM). When I was stuck on MM I could never do this. This is definitely a sign that I'm ready to be with another man. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 Back when a single OM, I had no issues dating. I was looking for a life partner and a woman who presented herself as available, regardless of relationship status, in that demographic at that time was fair game. MW's weren't currently available for exclusive relationships so it was treated like any other non-exclusive dating interaction, meaning I socialized with whomever I found attractive, asked out on dates and who said yes. Things went from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Rocci di Persia Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 I'm almost 4 months NC and I do not feel ready at all. I still feel incredibly abandoned and in mourning. I am very wary of rebounding and would not like to waste someone else's time down the line or mine. I feel as though friends and family think even 3 months NC is enough time and I need to be getting over it by now - this is my interpretation of their recent remarks to me anyway. I was abruptly dumped in October last year and they seem to think that because it's suddenly a "new year" I should see it as an opportunity for a fresh start but I don't think I can just suddenly snap out of my depression. After a month post-BU I started hanging out with a male co-worker who is not available but I find myself making comparisons between him and xAP. SMH. I was not actively looking for a relationship with anyone when I met my xAP. It just fell in my lap and we got together pretty quickly and as you all know an A involves so much intense emotion. I'm not sure how to go from here and start having healthier normal relationships. I can already feel my old walls being reinforced and have already had one person I was recently introduced to tell me she can sense it. I would love to see comments from others who have successfully made the transition. Link to post Share on other sites
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