My baby brother is getting engaged

[Cora]

My brother and I have always been close. We talk about everything. He confides in me and I confide in him. Almost a year ago he met this girl. Things moved pretty fast between the two and after three short months they were living together. He has now just purchased an engagement ring and plans on proposing to her within the next several weeks.

 

Their entire relationship has been rocky to say the least. He has confided in me that she can be very dramatic and is extremely sensitive. He has told me on more than one occasion that he feels as if he has to walk on egg shells around her because he never knows what will set her off. They've had countless arguments about petty things like the dog having an accident on the carpet and her taking it out on my brother and threatening to go and spend the night at a friends house. Not even a month ago my brother tells me they were having problems with her ex contacting her and wanting her back. She promised my brother she would take care of the issue and tell the ex to leave her alone. Well it turned into them chatting back and forth for weeks and even meeting in person to talk things out. My brother actually found the emails exchanged between the two with the ex professing his love for her and her not exactly telling him to cut it out and even mentioning her missing him too. Months ago my brother told me she has set deadlines for him and that if he didn't propose by such and such date then she was gone. She would also hint about having her ex waiting in the wings if things didn't work out between her and my brother. All of this has taken a toll on my brother and he's told me this himself and asked me for advice.

 

Needless to say, I've offered my advice, but my brother is very strong willed and informed me that regardless of everything he is in love with her and they have worked out these issues. I'm happy if that is the case, but I just think this engagement is all very forced. I barely know her personally, but get the idea that she doesn't too much care for me or our family. I've bought her countless gifts and even purchased concert tickets for her to see one of her favorite bands perform, but when I try to get us all together to do something she would rather not get involved with the family and instead want to do something with my brother that did not involve me or any other family member.

 

I feel like she is almost taking my brother away from his family. I realize when you get a significant other, your priorities change, but this is almost extreme. I pretty much stay out of it though and I don't say negative things about her in front of my brother. I hope and pray he isn't making a mistake he will regret later. He is an adult though and I know he must make his own decisions and choices. Am I just to sit back and watch him make a possibly huge mistake? It's proving to be more difficult to do than I thought.

[bluefeather]

Am I just to sit back and watch him make a possibly huge mistake? It's proving to be more difficult to do than I thought.

 

Maybe you should just tell it to him straight one time. Tell him how bad you think what he's doing is, but also that you love him and just want him to be happy. At that point, you can stop feeling regret. You said your piece and won't have to push it any further. Then it's up to him. Things could work out, or things could not, but he's going to figure it out either way, whether it is through heartbreak or not.

[Taramere]

I feel for you, Cora. I have a sister-in-law who's very moody and "sensitive" (about her own feelings that is). I know how these things can drive a wedge through families. At the same time, you wouldn't be telling your brother anything he can't see for himself.

 

What I would recommend is that you ease up on this...

 

I barely know her personally, but get the idea that she doesn't too much care for me or our family. I've bought her countless gifts and even purchased concert tickets for her to see one of her favorite bands perform, but when I try to get us all together to do something she would rather not get involved with the family and instead want to do something with my brother that did not involve me or any other family member.

 

You're being a bit too nice there, and I think there's a strong chance that you'll end up feeling resentful. Sulky, dramatic people are often very good at pulling in lots of unwarranted effort from other people who are trying to get on better terms with them. It's a bit of a powerplay. Keep it civil, modest presents for Christmas and birthday...and don't react to any passive aggression.

 

I've fallen out with my brother over my SIL's behaviour before - and because I'd bitten my tongue, absorbed so many snubs for a long time - and, most importantly, made more effort to get along with her than I should have, I overreacted. Fortunately my brother and I patched it up, but it didn't do our sibling relationship much good. Focus on preserving a good relationship with your brother, and tolerating his gf politely. In my experience, if you try too hard to make a friend of a difficult individual for the sake of somebody you're close to it just ends up being awkward and unpleasant.

Edited December 14, 2015 by Taramere

[Radu]

She sounds abusive and controlling, his life next to her will eventually be a nightmare.

What she is doing with her ex is called triangulation and it is done to control his actions.

 

Unfortunately when she does get what she wanted, she will grow bored of it because she will not respect him anymore.

So she will dump him and find someone else.

 

Is your brother stubborn or does he also have low self-esteem ?

[Downtown]

He has told me on more than one occasion that he feels as if he has to walk on egg shells around her because he never knows what will set her off.

Cora, I suggest you give him the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells. It is the #1 best-selling book on BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). It is targeted to the abused and controlled partners and spouses of BPDers. I mention this because the behaviors you describe -- i.e., countless arguments, pettiness, triangulating her ex against your brother, lack of impulse control, overly sensitive, trying to isolate your brother from his family, and drama seeking -- are some of the warning signs for BPD. That book will explain to him how these warning signs (i.e., symptoms) can be spotted and how they arise.

 

Yet, if you believe he is unlikely to open the book, I would suggest you send him this link to my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, he will find my more detailed description of them in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join BlueFeather, Taramere, and Radu in discussing them with you.

 

I caution that BPD is not something a person "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether his GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. Indeed, I don't even know whether he is seeing most of the BPD red flags on my list. I nonetheless believe your brother can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if he takes a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and temper tantrums.

 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable your brother to diagnose his GF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help him avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., perhaps avoid marrying a woman having strong BPD traits -- and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Cora.