All right well I broke NC ...

[DontBreakEven]

Well the thing is you are here posting, she isn't it.

 

I was in your exact position, I held my ground and she walked and never looked back.

 

That's the thing ...

 

Both those statements say a lot about the relationship, no? If she's walking and never looking back, obviously I am more invested. I was going to consider moving ... it just wasn't going to happen overnight.

 

It's obvious I am more invested. And it kills me, because I'm very shocked over it. Whenever we are together, you would never believe I was more invested, but rather a very balanced relationship as far as feelings go.

 

Anyway, I sent the stupid email. I don't feel like I have much to lose at this point. I'm at an emotional bottom, and I miss her. I just want to express that I love and miss her. I know it won't change anything, but at least she will know. I would want her to express it too. I hate hate hate resisting every natural feeling in my bone by not contacting someone that I want to talk to!

 

I see so much sad sh*t on my social media of people dying unexpectedly. My dog almost died in front of my eyes last night. I don't want to hold in things that I feel! :'(

[DontBreakEven]

I sent the email I said that I wanted to send.

 

Two hours later I got back a "Hi beautiful" with nice couple sentences and an "I miss you too", but no I love you.

 

I wrote back asking if she was still in love with me.

 

An hour later I got back, "You haven't found my replacement yet?"

 

I wrote back, "That doesn't answer my question. Are you still in love with me?"

 

An hour later I got back, "I don't know why you're asking. What difference does it make??"

 

I wrote back that it makes a difference to me, and I'd just like an honest answer.

 

It's been 7 hours, and no response.

 

Great idea. Go me.

 

She's right ... it makes no difference. We are not together for reasons other than being in love with each other or not. And at this point she probably has lost the love for me. Hell, it's been almost 8 months apart. Only someone like myself would continue pining away.

 

Just unreal. I've been heartbroken by so many people that just didn't love me. I finally found one that did, and circumstance tore us apart.

 

Life, ya got me again.

[anonymousbear00101100]

I sent the email I said that I wanted to send.

 

Two hours later I got back a "Hi beautiful" with nice couple sentences and an "I miss you too", but no I love you.

 

I wrote back asking if she was still in love with me.

 

An hour later I got back, "You haven't found my replacement yet?"

 

I wrote back, "That doesn't answer my question. Are you still in love with me?"

 

An hour later I got back, "I don't know why you're asking. What difference does it make??"

 

I wrote back that it makes a difference to me, and I'd just like an honest answer.

 

It's been 7 hours, and no response.

 

Great idea. Go me.

 

She's right ... it makes no difference. We are not together for reasons other than being in love with each other or not. And at this point she probably has lost the love for me. Hell, it's been almost 8 months apart. Only someone like myself would continue pining away.

 

Just unreal. I've been heartbroken by so many people that just didn't love me. I finally found one that did, and circumstance tore us apart.

 

Life, ya got me again.

 

Maybe this isn't what you want or need to hear, but her not being to say "I love you" after 8 months of not being together is pretty rational, especially since you refused to reveal if you were currently in another relationship. She also could have flat out said no, but she didn't. Her responses sounded to me as if she was guarding her heart, with nothing to do with her feelings towards you.

 

And her loving you or not isn't what you should be concerned about. 8 months apart does tend to end love towards someone, but that doesn't mean that person can't be still interested in and/or missing you.

[mightycpa]

Maybe this isn't what you want or need to hear, but her not being to say "I love you" after 8 months of not being together is pretty rational, especially since you refused to reveal if you were currently in another relationship. She also could have flat out said no, but she didn't. Her responses sounded to me as if she was guarding her heart, with nothing to do with her feelings towards you.

 

And her loving you or not isn't what you should be concerned about. 8 months apart does tend to end love towards someone, but that doesn't mean that person can't be still interested in and/or missing you.

I see it a little differently. You're the dumper and although you definitely wanted out, you weren't interested in hurting the person, so you erred on the side of unsatisfying explanations vs. the blunt truth. Eight months later, you get this pathetic and needy text and you're disappointed, because you sense that not much progress has been made, which is ok with you, except the disappointing part is that now you have to deal with it all over again. Maybe it even retards your own progress to have to hear from her. Still, you're not interested in reconciliation, but you're not eager to burn bridges or destroy egos either. You just really hope your ex can take a hint:

 

"Hi beautiful" with nice couple sentences and an "I miss you too", but no I love you.

 

I wrote back asking if she was still in love with me.

 

An hour later I got back, "You haven't found my replacement yet?"

 

I wrote back, "That doesn't answer my question. Are you still in love with me?"

 

An hour later I got back, "I don't know why you're asking. What difference does it make??"

 

I wrote back that it makes a difference to me, and I'd just like an honest answer.

 

It's been 7 hours, and no response.

[DontBreakEven]

You could both be correct.

 

It's a tough situation to figure out because the breakup was essentially mutual. We agreed we both loved each other, but it would never work due to locale, and the fact that we are awful at long distance. Both of us.

 

The last contact I had with her was 10 weeks ago, where she sent me an email telling me that she loved me and missed me. We went back and forth a couple times and then the communication just stopped.

 

But she is the one who is steadfast basically on that the relationship will never work due to distance - as she placed the distance between us, and isn't changing her mind on that.

 

I think it's a mixture of both her guarding her heart, as well as trying to move on. I could have easily caught her on a "strong" day where she was feeling okay without me. Lord knows she has caught me on those in the past, where I probably seemed a bit more aloof than I really truly am deep down.

 

It's really anybody's guess, because she is poor communicator. It's not uncommon to not get a response to something with her, no matter how heavy or light the subject. This was one of our issues too, but one that I can handle. Kind of.

[K2z]

I'm light on specifics with your situation but "Are you still in love with me" seems a bit of a full court press.

 

I might have invited her to something... "Hey.. how about I make you your favorite dinner and we talk a little" or whatnot.

 

You people with smoldering love embers, I cannot encourage you enough to not be cavalier about it.

 

When love is 100% gonzo it's maddening and crushing. Do what you need to do to keep your love in ICU, and save it.

[Amelie1980]

Circumstances didn't tear you apart.

 

She made a choice and she didnt choose you.

[Captivating]

DontBreakEven,

Sometimes we get hung up on people and relationships that we know is dis-functional.

You know this too, this is why you vented in your journal. In a way you see that

things are not working yet you can't let her go.

Even if you would give up your career for her and move.....there are no guarantees that the relationship will last. Then you would loose both the relationship and your job which is your livelyhood. She seems selfish wanting you to make this move. It would be irresponsible. When you love someone you go out of your way and make sacrifices for that person. You love her because at least you are considering quitting the job for her. On the other hand, although she doesn't have a job, could easily stay with you, she decides not to. Does she love you?? Her actions tell all. If you lose yourself in a relationship people tend to lose interest and respect towards you. You cannot give, give, give and getting nothing in return. It sucks, I agree. Cut your losses, don't give your wants up. If she wants you, she needs to prove it. Give it a try and start dating again.

[DontBreakEven]

DontBreakEven,

Sometimes we get hung up on people and relationships that we know is dis-functional.

You know this too, this is why you vented in your journal. In a way you see that

things are not working yet you can't let her go.

Even if you would give up your career for her and move.....there are no guarantees that the relationship will last. Then you would loose both the relationship and your job which is your livelyhood. She seems selfish wanting you to make this move. It would be irresponsible. When you love someone you go out of your way and make sacrifices for that person. You love her because at least you are considering quitting the job for her. On the other hand, although she doesn't have a job, could easily stay with you, she decides not to. Does she love you?? Her actions tell all. If you lose yourself in a relationship people tend to lose interest and respect towards you. You cannot give, give, give and getting nothing in return. It sucks, I agree. Cut your losses, don't give your wants up. If she wants you, she needs to prove it. Give it a try and start dating again.

 

Captivating,

 

Thank you. I agree with your every point. And I do agree that she obviously did not love me enough to stay. It just is a mindf*ck because her words always said differently.

 

I didn't move because of that exact reason - there was no guarantee it would work even if I did. And especially because she was making the move with or without me. Just didn't feel like a decision made as a couple. And well, it wasn't. Since it was her decision alone, I didn't feel compelled to partake in it.

 

I have honestly lost respect for myself at this point. I tried to be strong with this loss, and chalk it up and move on. But every attempt at moving on has become a disaster - 7 different dates that have all gone bad for one reason or another have led me to feel that I am in no position to be dating - and I'm sinking into a depression. I think the depression is what fueled my wanting to email her. But it's just also that I feel we have had no closure. Every time we leave it, it's with statements of loving each other. It's messing with my mind to have to just go on actions alone, especially when she is so erratic when it comes to her actions matching her words.

 

I don't know. I obviously need to move on. I just think having a few major relationships fail in my child-bearing years (I'm almost in my mid-thirties now) has taken quite a toll on me. I wanted this last one to be the last. I know we all want our relationships to be the last ... but after so many that went wrong, I was truly investing in this one as if it would be the last. So having to cut my losses, yet again, leaves me feeling like I have to file for bankruptcy, if that makes any sense.

[Captivating]

It will get better, DontBreakEven !!! It is a slow, gradual process. I have a feeling that she took you for granted. Let her explore "other options" as well, YOU DO TOO!!, and we will see what happens. I keep suggesting the same advice to go out and start dating again. "Coffee dates" how I call it You could maybe join a credible dating site and have many "coffee dates" lined up. You can cut them short if you need to and affordable. Have a light, fun conversation with the ladies and keep an open mind. (don't talk/ask about the exes) ... It might take you many dates, but finding someone incredible will definitely worth it.

[DontBreakEven]

I have broken NC many times with my ex, and so has she, and we have always ended up at least talking due to it - and reminding each other that we love each other.

 

I broke NC yesterday after our longest period of not speaking - 10 weeks - and she texted me this morning telling me that she will email me back today, just give her time please, and I have received nothing. My thoughts are running wild on what she is going to eventually say to me. I feel like it must be taking her so long because either she has nothing to say, or she doesn't want to say something to hurt me, like she's met someone or something.

 

I have not felt extreme anxiety with this break up yet (depression, yes, but not anxiety because I've never felt "dumped" per se), and now I have managed to create it for myself. All my abandonment fears are kicking in. I still had hope that she and I would work out in the end. I really did. Now after almost 3 months she's not even jumping at the chance to talk to me ... when here I was thinking she felt the exact same way I do, and wanted nothing more than to talk to me.

[Simon Phoenix]

I have broken NC many times with my ex, and so has she, and we have always ended up at least talking due to it - and reminding each other that we love each other.

 

I broke NC yesterday after our longest period of not speaking - 10 weeks - and she texted me this morning telling me that she will email me back today, just give her time please, and I have received nothing. My thoughts are running wild on what she is going to eventually say to me. I feel like it must be taking her so long because either she has nothing to say, or she doesn't want to say something to hurt me, like she's met someone or something.

 

I have not felt extreme anxiety with this break up yet (depression, yes, but not anxiety because I've never felt "dumped" per se), and now I have managed to create it for myself. All my abandonment fears are kicking in. I still had hope that she and I would work out in the end. I really did. Now after almost 3 months she's not even jumping at the chance to talk to me ... when here I was thinking she felt the exact same way I do, and wanted nothing more than to talk to me.

 

Yeah, never project your feelings onto someone else. It's very rare, especially in a breakup situation, that they match. One of the biggest mistakes in breakups is that both parties feel that the other person is in the exact same frame of mind that they are in. I mean, you weren't in the same frame of mind when you broke up, why would you be now?

[DontBreakEven]

Some background: The breakup was backhanded. She moved away to be closer to her family, we tried distance, she was terrible at it (WE were terrible at it), we met up again and she told me she wasn't moving back, that she felt like the other place was her home, so we broke up. I never wanted to break up but I feel like I was given no other choice. She left without compromise! She was unemployed and wanted me to quit my career and move to a city I don't know anything about, don't particularly like, etc. I told her we could move in a couple years once I got my career ducks in a row. She wouldn't budge - that wasn't good enough for her - she wanted to be there now. A few months later after much back and forth, us not being together, her being on a dating site and saying she didn't want to distance, but always maintaining that she loved me, I told her that I had to move on and date other people. I did that for about a month until I realized it was pointless because I was still in love with her. So I contacted her. Again, it was "I love you but our circumstances keep us from being together"-type talk from her, so I got angry again and went NC again until now.

 

I sent her an email and the question was, "Are you still in love with me?"

 

Her response:

 

"I have been thinking a lot about your question, and I just can't come up with anything other than the fact that I think your perspective on being "in love" is different than mine. You think that'd be the first time we had a different perspective on things? I'm not sure how you can tell someone that you're "in love" with goodbye, or that you're going to date other people. How does that happen? Were you "in love" with me then?

I believe that being "in love" is a temporary feeling. It's an emotion, essentially. And I can't really say that I'm "in love" with you. So, if that's what you're looking for in your answer, there you have it. Black and white.

Did I have to calm down after seeing the notification of you texting me? Yes. Why? Well, there are lots of reasons why. A lot of emotions involved. Most of which is the fact that I've been dying to hear about you, or of you, or anything at all.

 

I'm pretty sure you know how much I love you.

 

 

What is it that you want from me?"

Edited December 15, 2015 by DontBreakEven

[Simon Phoenix]

Please don't respond to that.

[DontBreakEven]

Why do you say that?

[Simon Phoenix]

Why do you say that?

 

Why would you? She basically told you that "she loves you but is not in love with you". What could possibly be the point of continuing to belabor this? It's time for you to take this breakup seriously and start moving forward. That's not going to happen by discussing the semantics of "love" and who broke up with who.

 

It's time to move forward. Stop cycling backwards. When you dig up the past, all you get is dirty.

[DontBreakEven]

Why would you? She basically told you that "she loves you but is not in love with you".

 

I completely disagree, mostly because I know the girl very well. I interpret it as her being her odd self with her semantics, and telling me that she believes "in love" is a term used for fleeting infatuation, and real love is something to be differentiated.

[Simon Phoenix]

I completely disagree, mostly because I know the girl very well. I interpret it as her being her odd self with her semantics, and telling me that she believes "in love" is a term used for fleeting infatuation, and real love is something to be differentiated.

 

So she loves you so much that she was unwilling to compromise on something that was beneficial to you and moved well away from you? Do you realize how silly that sounds? I mean, I think you are doing some serious mental gymnastics to keep this alive so you won't have to move forward.

 

I mean, what is the possible upside for what you are doing? Is she going to move back? She has expressed no desire to do so. Are you going to get closure? No, because you aren't looking for it, you're looking for a lottery ticket/hail mary. Is engaging in this going to somehow make this feel better? No, it's made you a wreck. Are you going to drop your job and income to move with her? No.

 

I mean, you can argue whatever you want to argue as a means to try to justify picking this scab, but it's to your detriment.

[Simon Phoenix]

I know I sound harsh, but the odds of something good being at the bottom of this rabbit hole you're traveling down aren't good.

[DontBreakEven]

So she loves you so much that she was unwilling to compromise on something that was beneficial to you and moved well away from you? Do you realize how silly that sounds? I mean, I think you are doing some serious mental gymnastics to keep this alive so you won't have to move forward.

 

I mean, what is the possible upside for what you are doing? Is she going to move back? She has expressed no desire to do so. Are you going to get closure? No, because you aren't looking for it, you're looking for a lottery ticket/hail mary. Is engaging in this going to somehow make this feel better? No, it's made you a wreck. Are you going to drop your job and income to move with her? No.

 

I mean, you can argue whatever you want to argue as a means to try to justify picking this scab, but it's to your detriment.

 

I think she loves me, but she is a very odd person. She is not your typical girl in the way that she thinks (look at the way she writes ... it can be interpreted so many ways). It drives me insane, but it also is great in ways. I don't think anyone on this planet would keep her away from her parents. It's a cultural thing for her. She is from Latin America and that is just what they do - stick together. It's ingrained in her brain. She met me while on a work assignment living in my city. I don't think it was ever in her mind to stay here once that job was over. Unfortunately, meeting me threw a tough wrench in her plans.

 

To be honest man, I don't know what the upside is of what I'm doing. It doesn't matter to me at this point to throw the hail mary, because I am already at a loss. I'm extremely depressed, I have no closure as every time she and I say goodbye, we still are expressing our love for one another. I'm a wreck when I engage, I'm a different kind of wreck when I don't. All I know is that I have tried to move on. It's just not working for me. I need to either find out if this is completely dead and gone or if there is any life left in the tank. It's just something I need to do.

 

Is she going to move back? No. Am I going to move there? No. But maybe in a year or so I could move close. I am planning on switching jobs in the next couple of years anyway - it is just going to take some time and planning. I wanted to see if time away has given her any perspective. It has for me. I know now that I want to eventually leave my current company and go work for a large corporation. I want to do that whether I am with her or not, and that would most likely mean a move. I want to know if she has thought about being more compromising. Maybe she hasn't, but I would never know if I didn't ask. That's just where I'm coming from.

[DontBreakEven]

I think she would completely bat down someone's interpretation of that email to mean "I love you but I'm not in love you" typical bs.

 

But don't worry, I asked her for clarity just to make sure.

 

I don't think anyone who would throw that line would then say "I'm pretty sure you know how much I love you" afterwards.

[Simon Phoenix]

I think she loves me, but she is a very odd person. She is not your typical girl in the way that she thinks (look at the way she writes ... it can be interpreted so many ways). It drives me insane, but it also is great in ways. I don't think anyone on this planet would keep her away from her parents. It's a cultural thing for her. She is from Latin America and that is just what they do - stick together. It's ingrained in her brain. She met me while on a work assignment living in my city. I don't think it was ever in her mind to stay here once that job was over. Unfortunately, meeting me threw a tough wrench in her plans.

 

To be honest man, I don't know what the upside is of what I'm doing. It doesn't matter to me at this point to throw the hail mary, because I am already at a loss. I'm extremely depressed, I have no closure as every time she and I say goodbye, we still are expressing our love for one another. I'm a wreck when I engage, I'm a different kind of wreck when I don't. All I know is that I have tried to move on. It's just not working for me. I need to either find out if this is completely dead and gone or if there is any life left in the tank. It's just something I need to do.

 

Is she going to move back? No. Am I going to move there? No. But maybe in a year or so I could move close. I am planning on switching jobs in the next couple of years anyway - it is just going to take some time and planning. I wanted to see if time away has given her any perspective. It has for me. I know now that I want to eventually leave my current company and go work for a large corporation. I want to do that whether I am with her or not, and that would most likely mean a move. I want to know if she has thought about being more compromising. Maybe she hasn't, but I would never know if I didn't ask. That's just where I'm coming from.

 

You haven't tried to move on though. That's the thing. Just because you weren't talking to her doesn't mean that you are trying to move on. Your No Contact seems to be more of a wait-out, a game of chicken. You keep trying to convince yourself (and everyone on here) that this is still a viable thing. You will never move on if you keep trying to keep that thought process alive. That thought process is the diametric opposite of moving on. Completely different wavelengths.

 

And you're really going to stay in limbo for a year? So you're just going to drag this out that long? I mean, you're basically signing up for some of the cruelest torture out there. You're at the blackjack table, have already lost your rent money, and now you are going to cash in your 401K to play another hand in an attempt to win it all back. That's basically what you're doing with this mindset.

 

I think she would completely bat down someone's interpretation of that email to mean "I love you but I'm not in love you" typical bs.

 

But don't worry, I asked her for clarity just to make sure.

 

I don't think anyone who would throw that line would then say "I'm pretty sure you know how much I love you" afterwards.

 

Once again, you are projecting your feelings and thought processes on someone else. That's a recipe for disaster. You really need to stop doing this and take things at face value. She left, she's gone, she has no desire to come back. You need to start paying attention to her actions and the reality of the situation (that she willingly left) and need to stop getting sucked in by the white noise and colored bubbles.

Edited December 15, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[marky00]

 

" I'm not sure how you can tell someone that you're "in love" with goodbye, or that you're going to date other people. How does that happen? Were you "in love" with me then?

 

I didnt really understand this bit?

 

Who was it that said goodbye and said they wanted to date other people?

[DontBreakEven]

I didnt really understand this bit?

 

Who was it that said goodbye and said they wanted to date other people?

 

Marky,

 

I said it. I broke up with her during our long distance because I didn't feel that my needs were getting met (yes, I was in love with her when I did that). Then a few months later, when we were still both still contacting each other after the break up to try and come to some sort of resolution, I told her that I wanted to date other people (yes, I was in love with her when I told her that).

 

I broke up with her because I was frustrated at the situation she had created and I'm not the most patient person, and I hated the distance.

 

The seeing other people came because we were still going nowhere with our situation, and I felt that it was on her to create a situation where we would eventually be back in the same town, and her decision making at the time was totally erratic, and someone asked me on a date and I wanted to entertain the idea because I felt like I was at a dead end with her. So I told her that someone asked me out, and that I was going to accept. It pretty much crushed her when I told her that, and I regret it now (especially because any dates I went on were totally pointless and subpar - I was in love with her).

 

Like I said, it felt like a backhanded break up where I was getting frustrated and ending it even though I didn't really want to. She mentions how we have different perspective on things ... we do. We are so unbelievably different in our thought processes that it makes it tough to understand each other - add distance in the mix and it becomes a disaster. Doesn't change my feelings for her.

[DontBreakEven]

You haven't tried to move on though. That's the thing. Just because you weren't talking to her doesn't mean that you are trying to move on. Your No Contact seems to be more of a wait-out, a game of chicken. You keep trying to convince yourself (and everyone on here) that this is still a viable thing. You will never move on if you keep trying to keep that thought process alive. That thought process is the diametric opposite of moving on. Completely different wavelengths.

 

You are correct, I haven't tried to move on. I have tried to change my thoughts and feelings. Really have, because I AM frustrated that she left. And I AM frustrated that she and I have a communication problem. This is precisely why I broke it off (I really was trying to move on), why I accepted dates with other people (Again was hoping something would click) ... 8 months now of trying other things. And every night my head and and heart go right back to her. It's exhausting.

 

Of course I've felt this way with other people, but the difference in my other relationships have been that when they were over, they were OVER. I mean someone cheated, or seriously all love was lost. This one is over due to logistics. It's hard to squash the feelings over that.