All right well I broke NC ...

[marky00]

Marky,

 

I said it. I broke up with her during our long distance because I didn't feel that my needs were getting met (yes, I was in love with her when I did that). Then a few months later, when we were still both still contacting each other after the break up to try and come to some sort of resolution, I told her that I wanted to date other people (yes, I was in love with her when I told her that).

 

I broke up with her because I was frustrated at the situation she had created and I'm not the most patient person, and I hated the distance.

 

The seeing other people came because we were still going nowhere with our situation, and I felt that it was on her to create a situation where we would eventually be back in the same town, and her decision making at the time was totally erratic, and someone asked me on a date and I wanted to entertain the idea because I felt like I was at a dead end with her. So I told her that someone asked me out, and that I was going to accept. It pretty much crushed her when I told her that, and I regret it now (especially because any dates I went on were totally pointless and subpar - I was in love with her).

 

Like I said, it felt like a backhanded break up where I was getting frustrated and ending it even though I didn't really want to. She mentions how we have different perspective on things ... we do. We are so unbelievably different in our thought processes that it makes it tough to understand each other - add distance in the mix and it becomes a disaster. Doesn't change my feelings for her.

 

Hmmmm..... well that puts an interesting slant on things.

 

I did something similar in my 9 yr LDR. 3 years in I sent her a breakup email and even told her I had dated another girl because I just got so sick of the promises and the distance but I still loved her immensely. 3 days later.... I did a 180 when I just felt sick in my stomach that I broke up with someone I loved.

 

Yes after 6 months of delicate communication and an eventual holiday...she agreed to take me back.

 

For the next 7 years, I vowed to never break her heart again and never physically or emotionally cheat on her. I stayed true to my word for 7 years.

 

But you know what.... she once told me like 8 years in.... that she kind of never got over that event. She told me I went from a 10/10 to a 5/10 and recovered back to an 8/10 over the years.

 

Don't underestimate what affect that had on her. Yes she may have been emotionally unavailable and yes she was messing with your head.... but when you break up with someone ...... its never forgotten ....... ever ever.

Edited December 15, 2015 by marky00

[DontBreakEven]

Marky,

 

I agree with you there.

 

However, I've been broken up with by people before and we got back together, and I did forget it. Actually, both of my engagement they dumped me at some point. Then we got back together and got engaged ... funny, they both ended up dumping me again, but I got over it enough to get engaged to them.

 

I don't know. If she can never forgive me for that, I can live with it, because honestly I was left with no other choice. The girl had moved away, with the idea that eventually I would move to be with her ... but she did NOTHING to work towards that while she was gone. And her communication with me so was subpar. I was hurting. The breakup really was mutual. She came here and we had a serious discussion and we couldn't compromise on anything, so we just cried. She probably considers it me saying goodbye to her, because she believed that I should have just quit my job and moved, and since I wouldn't, I was breaking her heart.

 

After we broke up, we waffled for a few months back and forth, but we were never officially "back together". I asked if we could be and she said that she didn't want to do distance. Well, she placed that distance there, so I don't understand what other choice we had! (Yes, me move there, we know ... it wasn't happening any time soon). So finally I just told her that I was going to see other people. I don't know why I did that. I got asked out on a date by a cute girl and I felt like I should go, as technically I was single, and she was doing her own thing back in her hometown. I don't know. I don't know.

 

Anyway, I responded to her email basically telling her that I want to try and work on things. She hasn't responded yet. It literally takes her days to "process" and respond. Took her over 24 hours to give me this interpretation of "in love". Frustrating, to say the least, but I feel better that I've said my peace rather than just keeping it all inside.

[marky00]

Yes I understand your reasons but....

 

The lesson I learnt is you need to exhaust all communication to the point you are so TOTALLY DONE, that you can honestly walk with your head up high.

 

That is the preferred option to breaking up with someone when deep-down, you still have feelings.

 

To a lot of people a break-up is seen as what it is "You never see eachother again ... ever ever". That damages something in the other person that can never be repaired totally.

 

When you said you had no other options... well fine... breakup with her and don't look back.

 

But if you breakup with her and then do a 180..... that means you must have felt you had options after all.

 

You see how this is confusing to your partner?

[DontBreakEven]

When you said you had no other options... well fine... breakup with her and don't look back.

 

But if you breakup with her and then do a 180..... that means you must have felt you had options after all.

 

You see how this is confusing to your partner?

 

I do. Very much so. And if I have to be honest, I still think I was right in that I felt that I didn't have any other options at the time of the breakup. She was not bending, and neither was I. I tried to break up and not look back. It's just that after some time, I have realize that's it's not working for me. I keep looking back. So now I want to see if maybe I can bend on some of things I needed, and maybe she could too, so that we could meet halfway. At the time of the breakup, no one was willing to meet halfway. Time has changed that for me. I want to see if it has also changed for her.

[DontBreakEven]

And ya know, sometimes people have to break up to make up. As much as no one on this site believes it, it does happen. A few marriages I know had periods of break up. Sometimes it takes losing someone to realize some things, or to compromise on some things. And people can forgive their partner for hurting them (as long as it wasn't something unforgivable like infidelity, abuse, etc). I believe that.

[Amelie1980]

You are correct, I haven't tried to move on. I have tried to change my thoughts and feelings. Really have, because I AM frustrated that she left. And I AM frustrated that she and I have a communication problem. This is precisely why I broke it off (I really was trying to move on), why I accepted dates with other people (Again was hoping something would click) ... 8 months now of trying other things. And every night my head and and heart go right back to her. It's exhausting.

 

Of course I've felt this way with other people, but the difference in my other relationships have been that when they were over, they were OVER. I mean someone cheated, or seriously all love was lost. This one is over due to logistics. It's hard to squash the feelings over that.

 

How many more times are you going to say logistics broke you up.

 

she ran home as she missed her mommy and siblings. Is she a grown adult or not?

 

She rejected all reasonable workable solutions such as her staying for 2 years with you and then move back to her town.

 

It isnt logistics, she didnt care enough to stay and she didnt come running back realizing she couldn't live without you did she?

 

She doesnt give a **** about you.

 

you can either give it up or continue to embarrass yourself.

[DontBreakEven]

How many more times are you going to say logistics broke you up.

 

she ran home as she missed her mommy and siblings. Is she a grown adult or not?

 

She rejected all reasonable workable solutions such as her staying for 2 years with you and then move back to her town.

 

It isnt logistics, she didnt care enough to stay and she didnt come running back realizing she couldn't live without you did she?

 

She doesnt give a **** about you.

 

you can either give it up or continue to embarrass yourself.

 

I'm sorry but I think it's not even close to being about her not giving a **** about me, and more about her clearly having some issues needing to be with her mommy, daddy, and siblings. Yes, she is a grown adult, and yet that it what she needs. That says something about her, no? THAT is the reason I ended it. I didn't see a way around it as it was always going to be me vs her family. It was driving me insane that she wasn't acting like a grown adult and making independent decisions.

 

I'm not embarrassing myself. If she so desperately needs her family, because I love her, I'm willing to compromise and perhaps hold a long distance relationship this time around, as I'm willing now to move close to her hometown (not the city itself, but a car ride away). It may just take a year or so for me to make the move, as I need to make sure my career does not suffer, but rather grows due to the move. This time around I would be more loose about the distance and not so needy and expecting. Basically I think I would be able to handle it. I couldn't handle it before. All I was doing was thinking about how pissed off I was that she left in the first place. Now, I'm so used to not having her around, I feel like it would be much easier.

 

What I am dealing with is a person with some major emotional/developmental issues. Not a person who doesn't give a **** about me. That I know. It's up to me to decide if I want to deal with the issues or not. I feel that I can, as long as she can compromise. It is possible that time away has given her some perspective ya know.

[Amelie1980]

Be her therapist then. Neglect yourself and your own needs "because you love her".

 

Nothing would put me off more than someone who couldnt take a piss without their family.

 

They never put you first it's always mommy and daddy.

 

Trust me I've been there. It doesn't get better it gets worse.

Edited December 15, 2015 by Amelie1980

[Simon Phoenix]

And ya know, sometimes people have to break up to make up. As much as no one on this site believes it, it does happen. A few marriages I know had periods of break up. Sometimes it takes losing someone to realize some things, or to compromise on some things. And people can forgive their partner for hurting them (as long as it wasn't something unforgivable like infidelity, abuse, etc). I believe that.

 

Yes, people break up and get together. I know of a few in my life. But in all of those, there was a prolonged period of No Contact -- six months, a year, several years -- both people worked on what they felt they needed to work on and it was the dumper who came back chasing the dumpee and saying unequivocally that they wanted them back. Your situation currently has none of that.

 

You have had a hard time maintaining No Contact, and when you've maintained No Contact it's been as more as a waitout than an evolution of yourself. She hasn't had any sort of epiphany, and she hasn't come back saying that she wants to be with you and is willing to do whatever it takes. For there to be a successful reunification, there has to be a "letting go" phase by both parties. Neither one of you have done that. You haven't allowed the old relationship to die.

 

Successful reconciliations are a new relationship with an old person. That's not going to happen with you at the rate you are going. Right now you are keeping yourself in a limbo which prohibits you from a) putting the old relationship to bed and b) finding a newer, better relationship with anyone, be it an ex or someone new. You don't want the old relationship -- it didn't work. Stop trying to put lipstick on a pig.

 

And no, breakups are not necessary. The vast majority of successful, mature relationships do not have breaks or breakups. And most relationships that break stay broken. There are exceptions, but right now your current approach will almost certainly guarantee that your breakup will fit more into the "rule" category.

[Blanco]

Not sure why you guys are still trying to convince OP to act any other way than she has been. Seems clear by now that anything that isn't advocating her continual pursuit of this woman is going to be countered with, "Yeah, but..." from the OP.

 

OP: People were telling you a year and a half ago to bail out on this woman. In fact, it seemed to be a darn-near unanimous response to what you told us about this person and the relationship that ensued.

 

And here's the most important part: None of these people were telling you to drop this woman because of the distance or logistics of a LDR.

 

You're so focused on the distance being what's keeping you two apart, yet the things you described and alluded to in your old thread regarding this person suggests that you had a toxic relationship. Distance is irrelevant there.

 

You keep saying you've never felt anything like this with someone before. Just remember that there are plenty of things out there that can provide us with feelings of euphoria but are ultimately detrimental to a quality life.

 

That's all I'll say here. You don't really seem interested in getting on with your life despite all the evidence saying that you should.

[DontBreakEven]

Not sure why you guys are still trying to convince OP to act any other way than she has been. Seems clear by now that anything that isn't advocating her continual pursuit of this woman is going to be countered with, "Yeah, but..." from the OP.

 

OP: People were telling you a year and a half ago to bail out on this woman. In fact, it seemed to be a darn-near unanimous response to what you told us about this person and the relationship that ensued.

 

And here's the most important part: None of these people were telling you to drop this woman because of the distance or logistics of a LDR.

 

You're so focused on the distance being what's keeping you two apart, yet the things you described and alluded to in your old thread regarding this person suggests that you had a toxic relationship. Distance is irrelevant there.

 

You keep saying you've never felt anything like this with someone before. Just remember that there are plenty of things out there that can provide us with feelings of euphoria but are ultimately detrimental to a quality life.

 

That's all I'll say here. You don't really seem interested in getting on with your life despite all the evidence saying that you should.

 

Blanco, believe it or not, I do appreciate your input.

 

You are correct in that I keep giving a "yeah, but". This woman has had a lot of chances with me that she probably does not deserve, and that is solely my fault.

 

I think my "yeah, but" for this post will be that I'm probably in need of help. I go to a therapist, but perhaps I need some anti-depressants for the moment. As far as the therapy, I don't know what's going to help me with my issue: I fall in love with people, and that is it for me. They really seem to do no wrong with me after that. I'm this hopeless romantic to a detrimental extent. Love is definitely my drug of choice. I don't drink, don't do drugs, hardly gamble. My vice is oxytocin for sure. My therapist thinks it's for the best that this relationship be over, "yeah, but" what she thinks doesn't change my inner issues.

 

If you know how to help me, please offer your advice. This is what "moving on" has looked like for me so far: Going to work. Working all day. Driving home in silence. Attempting to call a friend, but no one hardly ever answers because they are too busy with their spouse and kids. Walking in the door to my apartment and feeding my animals. Watching tv. Journaling about my depression. Once in a while talking to another girl online and then going on a date only to realize that I should not be dating when my heart is still with my ex (they pick up on that real fast). Checking work email. Sometimes crying. Going to bed. Play cards with my dad on the weekends. Lather, rinse, repeat. Once in a while I go out with friends. I went out with a group from work tonight for dinner. But on the whole, the loneliness, and lack of real connection is driving me insane. It's that connection that I am craving. And that's what I got from her. I got a connection, and a sense of something to look forward to, ya know?

 

She disappointed me. I think that's what's so hard for me to get over. I am guilty in the past of projecting my feelings onto others, and while I don't think it's the case this time (I'm usually pretty certain when I can tell someone doesn't love me), I think what I project onto her, are my values, and just the overall sense of what I believe respect is, and how one should communicate. Her values, her communication ... it's all SO different from my own, and for some reason I don't accept it. I try and continuously get her to modify her behavior rather than just go "You know what, I don't accept this behavior. Bye." And the reason for this is, the moment I say that, it ends. I have found this to be true in every relationship I've ever had. I stand up for my wants and needs, and they pretty much turn around and say, "Oh, you don't accept that and if it doesn't change, then 'bye'?? Okay. Bye."

 

I guess this time I thought it would be different, simply because this one, out of everyone I've ever been with, seemed to really love me (still says she does). I thought I could state the things I couldn't accept, and she would take them into account and compromise. She didn't. It broke my heart Blanco. My heart is so broken. :'(

[DontBreakEven]

You were all correct.

 

I'm glad I broke NC though. I got the truth, and now I am forced to move on.

 

She was sleeping with her 68 year old male boss when I met her. She had cheated on her ex before me with him.

 

She's sleeping with him again. And she loves him. Well, she loves both of us, she says. She's also not even back in her hometown. In fact, she's been in the Midwest since August. I knew this, but I thought that was temporary and was ending in October. Instead it rolled over into another job and who knows when that is going to end. So ... she's not even in the city she needed to leave me for ... not with her family. In fact, says she was unhappy there so she took the job in the Midwest ... that her old boss got her. And now they are back to sleeping together. PS, he's married.

 

She supposedly wanted to get married and have kids and raise them by her family and live in her hometown. Instead she is working temp jobs in the midwest thousands of miles away from her family and f*cking an old man that she can't even tell her parents about. The parents she is SO close to that she has to live her future life where they are.

 

I am so disgusted. I feel so. f*cking. stupid. I feel so betrayed. I feel like her issues are deeper than I ever imagined. Those red flags? They are even worse now than I ever made them out to be. She is a lesbian that sleeps with an old man while looking for a woman to have a relationship with. She claims the year we were together the man was "not even in her mind" when I asked her if she was actually pining away for him the whole time we were together. If that's true, then she has no empathy. She broke it off with him the day she met me ... she was actively seeking women on an online dating site, yet she "loved" him. I remember him being very upset about the whole ordeal. Then she didn't speak to him for a year and it was "not even in her mind" and now she's sleeping with him again and she loves both of us? What the f*ck. She's using him too.

 

She left her cat with me when she left, because I begged her to because I love the cat so much and I wanted comfort from it, plus it would remind me of her. Now I still have it. And I still love it so much, but it's a constant reminder of what has happened and I'm sick over it.

 

Guys, to be honest, I'm way past the point of heartbroken here. I am scared that I had been living with someone I don't even know, or maybe ever knew. I feel violated and scared that I can't even trust my own judgment. It's 2:15 am and there's no way I can even go to work tomorrow now. I need a mental health day, as I am sitting here, in shock, and I don't even know what to do next. I don't know what to do.

Edited December 16, 2015 by DontBreakEven

[DontBreakEven]

:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

[Amelie1980]

Have a day off to calm down then go back to work and be normal.

 

It should come as no surprise...if she wanted you she wouldn't have left in the first place.

 

The fact the she left you was a massive red flag in the first place.

 

As I said she doesn't give a **** about you.

 

She's been out of your life for a while, she lied to you (no surprise there ).

 

you had been NC for two months already. You are used to her not being in your life. She's out living her life as she chooses....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/390848-my-heart-aching

 

Here is your post from May 2013......

 

Where are we now nearly 2016? You chose to flog a dead horse now youve wasted over 18 months of your life convincing yourself she loved you when she was off seeing another man and lying to you about where she lived.. How much more time are you going to waste? Your old posts make it clear you knew she had issues and was seeing men and that she wouldn't define herself as a lesbian.

 

Enough!

Edited December 16, 2015 by Amelie1980

[Amelie1980]

Correction, you didnt waste 18 months, you wasted 2.5 years of your life. How much more?

 

I am guilty of this and now I have come out of the other side, I am FURIOUS with myself for wasting so much of my precious time wasting for someone who didnt care. You are going to feel so stupid when you get over her.

 

Come on.....you'll be ok. Have a quiet day, go out for a walk, have lunch somewhere and spoil yourself. Buy yourself a treat and tomorrow get back to work and throw yourself into it.

[DontBreakEven]

Have a day off to calm down then go back to work and be normal.

 

It should come as no surprise...if she wanted you she wouldn't have left in the first place.

 

The fact the she left you was a massive red flag in the first place.

 

As I said she doesn't give a **** about you.

 

She's been out of your life for a while, she lied to you (no surprise there ).

 

you had been NC for two months already. You are used to her not being in your life. She's out living her life as she chooses....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/390848-my-heart-aching

 

Here is your post from May 2013......

 

Where are we now nearly 2016? You chose to flog a dead horse now youve wasted over 18 months of your life convincing yourself she loved you when she was off seeing another man and lying to you about where she lived.. How much more time are you going to waste? Your old posts make it clear you knew she had issues and was seeing men and that she wouldn't define herself as a lesbian.

 

Enough!

 

I appreciate your post. That May 2013 post was about a different ex. She and I broke up for good in January 2014. I went NC and grieved it for a good 4-5 months and then I started dating again that summer, and that's when I met this current ex.

 

She was someone I was so taken with, and I really thought she was basically my "reward" for all the sh*t I went through with the ex before.

 

The red flags with her were these: before me she had been dating a 50 year old woman (we are early 30s), and told me she had cheated on her with her boss at work - a man. She was 100% lesbian though, she said (which I still completely believe .. I think the old man thing stems to some childhood trauma that she briefly shared with me and never spoke of again). She claimed this was just an emotional thing that she needed since she was not getting her needs from her ex (or something). She told me then that the man was 50. I later found out via Facebook that he's 68.

 

She was still having an on-going deal with the man at the time we met (though she was obviously online looking for women). She found me, and dumped him the very next day. From what I remember, he was quite upset, but I didn't get many details. She made it out as if it wasn't a big deal and they were basically f*ck and drinking buddies while she was lonely and depressed. Then we were together for a year.

 

Now she tells me that she loves both of us. I asked her if that means that she was pining away for him the whole time we were together? She said "no not at all, it wasn't even in my mind". So she loved him, but then callously dumped him for me, then completely derailed our relationship over needing to go back to her Hometown and be with her parents, went there for a couple months, then signed on again with a temp job at this company that the old man works at and came to the Midwest. Then after she pushed me so far away that I told her I was going to date other people (even though I didn't want to), she got back with him, and now she loves him too. Which is funny, because I am 100% certain that she doesn't share any of this with her parents, who found out about this guy when her ex told them what she was doing, and they were disgusted over it. She's not bringing this guy home to Mom and Dad.

 

So she broke up with me to be with Mom and Dad in City A. Now, she is in City B with 68yr old, and clearly not discussing her personal life with Mom and Dad, who she is sooooo close to. And she totally screwed 68yr old over last summer for me, but now that she is back working for the company and we are done, she loves him again.

 

I am starting to believe this woman has no empathy whatsoever.

 

Yes, I will take the day off, but my heart is EXPLODING. Just a mix of heartache, betrayal, fear over what the hell did I just spend the past 18 months of my life doing, loneliness, a whole jumble of things. You are correct, she doesn't give a **** about me, and I'm not even certain if she gives a **** about anybody, to be honest.

Edited December 16, 2015 by DontBreakEven

[Amelie1980]

Ah ok but they sounded so similar!

 

Seems there is a pattern here. Like me try not to dwell on it. The aren't dwelling on us.