aerogurl87 Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 (edited) Talked to my husband tonight about things and I swear it's like talking to a brick wall. I asked for him to book us a counsellor since he wouldn't go when I asked him to do so on more than one occasion in the past, and look into finding a job somewhere else if possible. He says he's looked up a few but they are all booked and that relocating won't happen in a day, but he's looked at a few options. So then I asked if he'd actually applied anywhere, and nope because it's pointless if he doesn't know if we have a future together at this point. Meanwhile when he asked me to move here with him, I went above and beyond to figure out a way to stay with him and make our relationship work, and I told him it would be nice to see him do the same for once. Then we got into an argument about me not wanting to put my money into the joint account we have together (his idea) in order to save up in order to relocate if we stay together. My reason being 1) I won't my funds separate in case we do separate so he can't try some shady tactics to get me to stay and 2) I don't trust him with money since all our thousands of dollars in wedding money disappeared when he decided to not pay some bills a few months in a row. Somehow that isn't his fault, like everything else, and I'm just being unreasonable. I told him point blank that I just want to see him try. I feel like he thinks he can do things however he wants and although I say I'll leave (which I have in the past), I will stay put. So he just goes about life as normal, giving me bread crumbs of hope that he'll eventually change. However, I've had enough. And if I had more money in my personal savings, I'd be gone and living back in the US with my family. Edited December 14, 2015 by aerogurl87 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 (edited) Okay, what was the question? If it's about money, I have to tell you, don't share any money with him. Period. P.s. I hope you make it back here and to that end I will leave the porch light on. Edited December 14, 2015 by Miss Clavel 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author aerogurl87 Posted December 14, 2015 Author Share Posted December 14, 2015 Okay, what was the question? If it's about money, I have to tell you, don't share any money with him. Period. P.s. I hope you make it back here and to that end I will leave the porch light on. Thanks Miss Clavel. I think my real question is, am I being unreasonable? I mean I've went against my better judgement for 5 or so years, listening to this man and I've only become more miserable in the process. He makes me doubt myself and feel like I'm giving up so easily, but I know I've tried. I've stuck through our relationship and am just tired now. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 Don't allow him to make you doubt yourself. Your requests sound very reasonable and the next move should be his. And don't merge money at thus point...if anything, just the opposite. I had to leave my marriage on two days notice last year and was so happy that our accounts had always been separate. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 5 years is a very good try. Good for you. It's ok to make peace with the reality of who he is... and leave to make a good life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aerogurl87 Posted December 15, 2015 Author Share Posted December 15, 2015 Don't allow him to make you doubt yourself. Your requests sound very reasonable and the next move should be his. And don't merge money at thus point...if anything, just the opposite. I had to leave my marriage on two days notice last year and was so happy that our accounts had always been separate. I'm trying my best not to let him get to me. I've slept on the couch for the past two nights since we only have a one bedroom and as time goes by I'm feeling more and more confident in myself. The only thing that worries me is he said he contacted my parents today. He claims it was just to check in on them, but the last time he did this (5 years ago when we broke up while dating) it was to try to get my sister on his side so she could help him convince me to go back to him. I find it manipulative and I told him so tonight, but he doesn't seem to see it that way. 5 years is a very good try. Good for you. It's ok to make peace with the reality of who he is... and leave to make a good life. We've only been married 8 months of those 5 years, which is why he says I'm throwing in the towel. However, our issues have been going on for at least 3 years and he's never tried to remedy them until now. I came home tonight and he made me dinner and attempted to dance with me, which was sweet, but I told him I won't be easily swayed. He's also potentially found a marriage counsellor, so we'll see how that goes. I don't want to give up on us, but I told him I'm done trying and will let him do all the work if he wants us to stay together as he didn't seem too interested in doing anything until he realized I was seriously going to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aerogurl87 Posted December 27, 2015 Author Share Posted December 27, 2015 So today was my hubby's birthday and I'd told him my plans to take him out for dinner and to see a movie later this afternoon. He's known of this plan for the past month, but what does he do last night? He decides to go out partying with his friends, which whatever that's fine. However, him and his best friend get piss ass drunk at some random person's house and he tells me last night that he won't be coming home because 1) he thinks his friend is too drunk to ride home with their DD and 2) he wants to get his best friend laid. So because of this he says they won't be home until tomorrow morning, which means I just spent the night alone in my bed. Well it's now 2 in the afternoon, he still isn't home and has just cancelled on me so he can go eat at some crappy hole in the wall with his friends instead of spending at least part of his birthday with me, his wife. I'm pissed and I don't deserve to have a relationship like this. I honestly feel like I'd be better off living by myself at this point and I just want to throw my hands into the air because he constantly pulls crap like this. Argh! Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted December 28, 2015 Share Posted December 28, 2015 I'm English living in the USA. I would advise EVERYONE to only leave your country, your history, friends & family if you're 100% certain that your partner is your FAMILY. Total isolation is crippling. I feel trapped & it builds resentment. You're being treated appallingly. Be honest, if you guys were living in your home country how many times would you of walked out & gone to friends or family? He's treating you this way because he's immature, inconsiderate & HE CAN!! It's emotional abuse! Come home ;-) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Akashsingh Posted December 28, 2015 Share Posted December 28, 2015 Dump this guy.... Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted December 28, 2015 Share Posted December 28, 2015 So today was my hubby's birthday and I'd told him my plans to take him out for dinner and to see a movie later this afternoon. He's known of this plan for the past month, but what does he do last night? He decides to go out partying with his friends, which whatever that's fine. However, him and his best friend get piss ass drunk at some random person's house and he tells me last night that he won't be coming home because 1) he thinks his friend is too drunk to ride home with their DD and 2) he wants to get his best friend laid. So because of this he says they won't be home until tomorrow morning, which means I just spent the night alone in my bed. Well it's now 2 in the afternoon, he still isn't home and has just cancelled on me so he can go eat at some crappy hole in the wall with his friends instead of spending at least part of his birthday with me, his wife. I'm pissed and I don't deserve to have a relationship like this. I honestly feel like I'd be better off living by myself at this point and I just want to throw my hands into the air because he constantly pulls crap like this. Argh! He's showing you that he is not going to do what it takes to make or save the marriage. That is his message- I will do what I want. Then you're forced to take action. So, take action. Start the financial planning, working out the details, so that you can get home as soon as possible. I'm so sorry he wasn't what he appeared to be. But you will get through this and one day you'll be free of his passive aggression. Link to post Share on other sites
Mobi Posted December 28, 2015 Share Posted December 28, 2015 Sorry to say, but I agree, it's emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is a range of things, and it sounds like he doesn't want to change for the health of the marriage. He wants to control the finances. He says you are being unreasonable. Do you feel that you are going crazy, that maybe he's right? I ask this only because those who are going through emotional abuse deal with these questions and second guess themselves. Only you can decide what is best for yourself. Read up on emotional abuse and see if any of it relates to your marriage and some of the things that are happening...things that you don't want to share on this site. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted December 28, 2015 Share Posted December 28, 2015 i'm beginning to suspect he's an alcoholic. he's gone for 2 days getting smashed with his friends? oh, hell no. i'd leave and go back home. to this end you can start mailing/shipping your valuables home to someone you know can keep their mouth shut. say nothing to him. hell, with any luck the day you leave he won't even be home. look on the website for the state you live in and find out how to file your own "separation agreement" before he borrows money against your earnings. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted December 28, 2015 Share Posted December 28, 2015 Some nationalities have very different roles within the home. Women born & raised in certain countries have expectations of marriage that the man might not agree with. Could this be part of the problem? Link to post Share on other sites
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