notinept Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 What would be one tip (or tips) you'd give someone who's interested-in (or has already started) a relationship with someone who's recently divorced (1-year or less) ? Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 What would be one tip (or tips) you'd give someone who's interested-in (or has already started) a relationship with someone who's recently divorced (1-year or less) ? It depends on how long the marriage lasted really. If the marriage was long-term...The newly divorced has got to get to know them self before they can decide with whom they are best to have a relationship...so my advice is be careful you are not the partner in training. My own personal experience...I was married a long time...I thought the first good looking seemingly stable similar interest guy was perfect for me...but I didn't account for many other characteristics which were deal breakers for me...I just wanted to "couple up" again because that is what I was used to. Sometimes this can work out if the two people are truly compatible...most times it does not work out. Be careful of being the bandaid rebound person as you could be the buffer to the newly divorced. Why do you ask OP...are you involved with someone who is newly divorced? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Glitters Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I dont visit these boards but here it goes. I was in a long term abusive marriage and in the middle of divorce when I met my second husband. My marriage was long over ( moved on emotionally ,like a couple of years) , and then it was just legal paper that was awaited, which took a while ( usually does). Emotionally I was ready but hadnt started dating. My husband pursued and we talked.His close friends and family told him to be wary , as I could be having plenty of emotional baggage and what not but he took leap of faith. It was entirely his decision. We were very careful as to not let the word out completely so as to not delay the divorce any longer and had kids involoved on both sides.We had sex just before we got married.Not that we both didnt want , just wanted to wait so that it didnt cloud our judgement. The only tip that I would give is : Dont make a decision on what others say.Each situation is unique.If the person has moved on emotionally ( its easy to see that), treat it as just like any other relationship and dont hold it against them. The latter being most important. Link to post Share on other sites
Author notinept Posted December 14, 2015 Author Share Posted December 14, 2015 StBreton; Yeah met a gal divorced less than a year (12yr marriage). typical story ... We got along great the day we met, list of similarities is long ... and I think the immediate/deeper-than-normal connection took us both by surprise (long story - but it scared her). She and I are both over-thinkers and a good sign is she's aware of her need to rediscover herself and since our successful 3rd date has backed-away. I'm not sure how to handle this or her so yeah I'm looking for advice from those of you who know first-hand. So any advice/tips I can get from the 'experts' - is much appreciated, both for my sake, her sake and any hopes of the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Glitters Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 (edited) Take it slow. If you believe that you are her rebound etc , it will never work out, especially if she has moved on emotionally. You will then blame every set back ( that happens in every other relationship as well ) as to being that you are her rebound. You need to change your way of thinking than second guessing her all the time. This is exactly what I'm talking about! If your connection is strong , it can be overwhelming. Take it slow, let emotions settle, pick up again. Taking fast usually crashes as fast. What are you looking for ? Short term or long term. That will change your approach as well My husband was the first relationship that I had ( even before divorce was final ) and no , he wasn't a rebound. Edited December 14, 2015 by Glitters Link to post Share on other sites
Author notinept Posted December 14, 2015 Author Share Posted December 14, 2015 Take it slow. You need to change your way of thinking than second guessing her all the time. This is exactly what I'm talking about! If your connection is strong , it can be overwhelming. Take it slow, let emotions settle, pick up again. Taking fast usually crashes as fast. What are you looking for ? Short term or long term. That will change your approach as well Thanks Glitters ! What did you mean in regards to "change my way of thinking" ? Can you clarify ? I love the "take it slow, let emotions settle ..." because that's EXACTLY what I was thinking and doing. I'm looking long term definitely, although maybe it's just the neurochemicals talking, with this girl I feel that there's potential for deep long lasting connection and that is what I've been looking for my whole dating life, so I'm willing to take as much time as necessary to do it right. Link to post Share on other sites
Glitters Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 She has been out of her marriage for a year , maybe the first guy was the one she married , so basically has been out of the dating world for long. I would suggest that you take her as inexperienced to dating ( things have changed a lot ! ). While she was married , you were dating ( are you divorced or never married ?).So while she has relationship experience , you have the initial courtship / dating one. If she backed off, it could be so many reasons ( kids ? ) and nothing to do with you or relationship in itself. Don't take her every step forward or backward as related to either you being a rebound or her having baggage. When you take things slow , your hormones get time to settle and give you time to either take another step ahead or not instead of rushing things and seeing them crash. Since you see potential for long term ( marriage ? ) , you both need to gain trust and talk about whatever is not working or needs to be altered. Every relationship takes work. I guess, initial effort will be on you , then it will equal out. She might be a bit closed off ( you won't be here otherwise ) , normal as its her first relationship after end of marriage and she is getting to know a man which is new ! I'm sure she has her own doubts like you do but if you both feel same , this will pass Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I'm looking long term definitely, although maybe it's just the neurochemicals talking, with this girl I feel that there's potential for deep long lasting connection and that is what I've been looking for my whole dating life, so I'm willing to take as much time as necessary to do it right. Does she have children and a shared custody relationship with her ex? If so, the main challenge is the differing perspectives. You're thinking how she affects you while she's thinking how you might fit in - even as Mom's new BF - to a family situation... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 IMO, a great deal depends on the following: who left/initiated the divorce, and for what reason; how much dating experience the person has had since separating (how many, how long, etc.); and how ready they are to enter a new LTR versus a need to date more first. I left my first 24-year marriage, which had essentially been over for years due to major incompatibility and sexlessness. I was more than ready to move on right away, but met about 50 women in the next year and dated a dozen of those for various periods of time before I felt ready for a serious relationship. That happened after about a year, and so far that excellent relationship has lasted and thrives 16 years later. Link to post Share on other sites
Author notinept Posted December 14, 2015 Author Share Posted December 14, 2015 (edited) No kids ! So yeah, luckily for me, that's not an issue. And if it changes things; She left him and it sounded like it was mostly because he'd pedestalized her and then checked out (no time for her, no/little sex, they didn't argue/fight at all, no passion ...) and when I asked her if they ever had chemistry her answer was literally "ummm ... hmmm ..." pause "... I don't know ..." And in my experience if you have to think about a question that simple it's a resounding "No !". I've had plenty of relationships and I can readily list the ones that had passion and the ones that didn't from 15years ago even. She doesn't have a lot of dating experience - period, she married her 2nd boyfriend a couple years out of high school, and I've dated a LOT of women (never been married). Edited December 14, 2015 by notinept Link to post Share on other sites
Glitters Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 She doesn't have a lot of dating experience - period, she married her 2nd boyfriend a couple years out of high school, and I've dated a LOT of women (never been married). This could become an issue later. You are kinda serial dater and used to taking things very lightly while long term relationships take a lot to work. Is she wanting a marriage again? Would you want a marriage ? have you thought or talked about it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author notinept Posted December 14, 2015 Author Share Posted December 14, 2015 Although we didn't talk about it specifically, it seems pretty clear (to us two) that we're both looking (at each other) with the potential/intention of a whole lot more than just casual dating. On our 2nd date when we were having a quiet moment together (all alone just chatting while out for an evening walk) she got this sad timid look on her face close to tears and said "... I don't know who I am anymore ... I don't know if I'm supposed to spend my life alone or with someone ... and if so - who ?". I pride myself on being extremely good at reading people (pretty much everybody who knows me - would vouch for it) and when she said that and in the way she said it, it was clear to me that she was essentially saying "I need time, and I'm scared you won't still be here ('available') when I'm ready". Glitters; I think your second post (3:57) is THE advice needed here, the rest will work itself in time, I'm willing to invest a significant amount of it if there's even a chance that it pays off (getting to know her). Link to post Share on other sites
Cherryz Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 prepare to get "divorced"to lol. Bad joke. I dont know how long the person has been married. But either way divorce is something hard. And you need time to recover from it and get your own self back. Whatever the person tell you, use your own mind and see if its realistic or so. Because you can easily get hurt. Because if its to soom that the person is already looking for the next bf it may be that you are just someone to help him/her to forget their ex. So if you see this person is to quick. Keep contact as "freind" while you get to know the person. But dont get into relationships were you know you can get hurt. Look out for your own heart! Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 don't invest anything you aren't willing to lose. Think about that and think about what that means to you. Link to post Share on other sites
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