d0nnivain Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Ugh. My BFF's aunt died. The wake is today & the funeral tomorrow. I am going. I'm very close to the family & loved the deceased like an aunt. Her sister, my BFF's mom, has always been a 2nd mom to me for 40+ years. Now this get's complicated so try to follow: DH has an uncle who has been dating a woman for more than 15 years. They live together & are not married. Her father died. They are 2 hours away. DH & I met her father once several years ago. My MIL told me the wake was tomorrow & the funeral Wednesday. I just found out she is wrong. They are today & tomorrow. DH is refusing to go because he claims he would feel awkward because he only ever met the deceased once. I told him he should go for his uncle & his "aunt" (the uncle's long term GF) & because his mom can't be there so it would be nice for him to be her representative. She's too far away & can't afford to fly up for this, the funeral of her "SIL's" parent. I kind of think DH is being selfish by not going. If the rolls were reversed & it was my "aunt's" parent I'd go. In fact I always have. In my family I was taught to show up. I'm not about to skip the funeral of the person I knew my whole life & loved dearly for a distant in-law but I do feel terrible for not going. We did send a card & will send an arrangement to the house. Can anybody make me feel better? Link to post Share on other sites
JustGettingBy Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 If it makes you feel any better: I think you're doing the right thing by attending the one for who you're close to and at least sending something to your in-laws, and your in-laws will understand your decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 You're making the right decision. Your close loved ones NEED your support. You have your priorities in order. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 You're right. You should go to your "aunt's" and your husband should represent his family at the second funeral. You going to the first wedding is a "no-brainer." They were your second family. As far as his uncle's partner's father, that should be your second priority, but his first. It's his family and ultimately his responsibility. If he decides he doesn't want to go, because it's awkward/boring/*pick whatever self-centered excuse*, that's his choice and his family dynamics. It's not worth fighting over. Let him do his thing and not go. You don't have identical values and aren't going to see eye-to-eye on everything. Pick your battles wisely. You strike me as a bit of a people pleaser and peacemaker, both great qualities in certain circumstances, but not necessarily this one. It's leaving you torn in two directions. If you're close to his uncle or his uncle's girlfriend, give them a call to express your condolences. That adds a more personal touch in my opinion to the standard card and flower arrangement that you're sending. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 You get to decide which funeral you go to, and I think you've chosen correctly. Your husband gets to decide for himself, and if prefers to go to neither, that's a valid choice. Especially since this "family" member isn't someone he even knows, it seems to me that attendance is entirely optional. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 It wouldn't even occur to me to go to my uncle's girlfriend's father's funeral that I had only met once and lived two hours away. I'm not sure why you'd feel guilty about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted December 15, 2015 Author Share Posted December 15, 2015 It wouldn't even occur to me to go to my uncle's girlfriend's father's funeral that I had only met once and lived two hours away. I'm not sure why you'd feel guilty about it. I did go to my uncle's GF's father's funeral & to the funerals for her siblings. I like my uncle's GF & wanted to support her in her time of pain & sorrow. I don't really care that DH didn't go but I'm kind of sick of his mother & his uncle texting me about it. They both know I went to somebody else's funeral today. They need to take his behaviors up with him not me. Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 I don't really care that DH didn't go but I'm kind of sick of his mother & his uncle texting me about it. They both know I went to somebody else's funeral today. They need to take his behaviors up with him not me. Exactly. You're kind and they are using that to their advantage and totally disregarding your feelings during a trying time of loss that directly affects you. It may be time to text them that you are dealing with a personal loss and they need to address their son/nephew directly. Link to post Share on other sites
avintagegirl Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 They need to take his behaviors up with him not me. I couldnt have said it better myself. You did the right thing. I am really sorry for your loss. It is never easy to lose those we love and to have this aggravation does not make your life right easier. May you find peace soon. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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