When the ex does everything she can to split you up...

[annawulf]

So, we had an affair, very on-off, over 2 years, last physical contact Feb 2014. He told her about me the next month, then I had to check out for own sanity - we had sporadic contact but long periods without and I built up a great single life for myself, did a lot of thinking, made sure I am happy either way and none of my self-esteem or well-being is contingent on being in a relationship. He went into IC, working through some grave childhood trauma, and moved out of home 2-3 months ago, at which point we started seeing each other. He doesn't want to be lying about me so he's been clear with her we're seeing each other (although tbh it's very infrequent as our parenting schedules clash e.g. I'm EOW and he's every sat) and we're LD-ish. Everything has been great with us, it's honest and amazing and wonderful (against the odds!) and we felt really relaxed together really quickly.

 

EXCEPT

 

She is obviously having a terrible time of it. She has sent me obscene and threatening emails, which have to date just made me feel sorry for her. I haven't responded (and I thought I blocked her but it obviously wasn't successful). She harasses him constantly with phone calls and messages when we're together. To be honest it's probably worked against her, he was probably 99.9% not getting back together when he moved out but it's now a clear 100%, and much as we've tried not to we've united against it because I care about him being upset (he's tried to keep me out of it) and he cares about me. She's now telling him she has my address and has sent me a Christmas card, and her last email was a threat about defaming me professionally (I don't think she has the means). I'm trying to be reasonable and I realise she's deeply hurt, but as a person who checks my behaviour constantly I can't see how she is justifying this to herself. She is also bringing the kids in wherever she can, telling them how he is responsible for everything and threatening to tell them the obscene sexual stuff she emails me (they're all minors). She's also threatening to leave the country with them if he doesn't stop seeing me.

 

What can I/we do? I have suggested he contact a trusted friend and say he left her, he accepts all blame for the affair, he's worried for her as she's acting out of character and he's worried for the kids. I know for my part not responding is the best thing (it's hard sometimes!), but should I tell the police? I'm scared. I live on my own with my kids and I don't have any parents or natural protectors - I'm very independent. He says he doesn't know what he can do other than asking her to desist - like I say, I was mainly sympathetic when it was 'just' obscenity but now when my kids are threatened (albeit indirectly) I find myself a bit dissatisfied with this response, and think maybe I should say contact me when you've sorted this **** out. I wonder if she's been completely controlling for all these years and he hasn't quite been able to relinquish her hold over him. I know I still pander to my ex nearly five years on, although we have built a great and loving co-parenting relationship (partly because he ALWAYS put the kids first when I left him).

 

I know we did wrong and I know we hurt her but I can't bring myself to believe I and my children deserve to be under the threat of physical peril.

[anika99]

If you fear for the safety of yourself or your kids then yes, you should go to the police. Continue to block and ignore the BW and mostly let the MM clean up his own mess. Do you really want to bond with the MM over this drama? Do you want the ugliness of his divorce to be the glue in your relationship? I wouldn't put up with it. When I'm with someone there better not be any other woman in the picture, in any capacity or I'm walking.

[minimariah]

What can I/we do?

 

legal action.

 

if she continues to harrass you -- keep all of those cards & threatening mails, letters -- tell her that you WILL contact the authorities.

 

your partner should sit down with her & warn her about posaible consequences - that means telling her "look EX... if you don't stop, i will report you & take you to the court and file for sole custody on the grounds of parental alienation and you will lose a LOT, much more than you'll gain with this behavior" --- from my personal experience, when folks are faced with reality and with what can and will happen if they don't cool off... they usually get it together and stop.

 

before all of this - would some kind of counseling between two of them be possible...? some kind of coparenting, family counseling?

 

and a question - what is their custody arrangement right now? not sure i got it.

 

ANYWAY, when she starts taking it out on the children... as cruel and brutal as it might seem - you need to take legal action. IF that shakes her up and she gets back to her normal self - they can go back to joint custody or whatever works for them.

 

look... affair is super hard, and as a BW i know that. but there are many who abuse it to no end and rationalize it to themselves - THAT is dangerous, much dangerous than any affair ever and it needs to be addressed as fast as possible.

 

you two keep being supportive of each other and if things get overwhelming - do not hesitate to seek couples counseling.

[EdibleWoman]

I would take her threats very seriously. You need to lay the groundwork for harassment. You need to respond once to her last email stating only: "Do not contact me again. If you do, I will call the police and file a harassment complaint." Do not write anything that could be construed as further engagement. Until you do that, the police can't do much of anything other than to tell her to knock it off. If she contacts you again after you write that email, call the police and press charges.

 

As for your kids, your SO needs to get his NJW under control. He could do that by telling her that he's going to get a PRE to evaluate custody if she doesn't knock it off because he's worried about all of the kids at this point and the impact her mental health is having on them. If she hasn't gone completely insane, that should motivate her to get back to near normal. If it doesn't, then a PRE is appropriate anyway.

 

I realize that hell hath no fury, she's scorned and has a right to be, yadda yadda, but people get hurt in these types of situations and I think you should take her conduct far more seriously than you have been. It isn't in the spectrum of normal.

[minimariah]

p.s. i read quickly through your previous thread -- your MM was "happily married" and still sleeping with his W, is that right? in these situations, it's much harder for a BW to move on because the shock is too much - there were no obvious signs or big crisis.

 

when exactly did she find out about you and him wanting to leave her? is that a fresh info for her or?

[annawulf]

she found out mar 14 (maybe false R but he was going through intense IC and didn't know what he wanted/felt paralysed - this is where I checked out) and then he moved out sep 15. She knew we were in sporadic contact, and when he moved out she also knew. When she asked directly, post him moving out (signing a year lease) if he was seeing me and he said yes, this kind of behaviour began. Thanks all, I fear being melodramatic but her threat of coming to my house has really shaken me. I will respond to the email and unblock her so I can store everything (ugh - I'll send it to a special folder).

[annawulf]

I think he stopped sleeping with her this summer. their sexual relationship became pretty abusive and unpleasant, as far as he's shared (lots of activity that the other way round would be seen more clearly as coercion).

[EdibleWoman]

You seem to be a low key person and that's impacting your judgment (that combined with guilt over the A). I get it completely. The problem is that this isn't melodrama, it is way beyond that and, worse, it is now a safety issue that could potentially impact your kids. It is way better to overestimate, rather than underestimate, threats in this type of situation and no one will call you a drama queen for doing so. Also, if she does try to defame you professionally, you need to have the groundwork laid to protect yourself, which in part means showing that you've already lodged a harassment complaint against her. I would take that threat seriously also - your job is important - and you never know what she'll try to do to impact it.

[minimariah]

she found out mar 14 (maybe false R but he was going through intense IC and didn't know what he wanted/felt paralysed - this is where I checked out) and then he moved out sep 15. She knew we were in sporadic contact, and when he moved out she also knew. When she asked directly, post him moving out (signing a year lease) if he was seeing me and he said yes, this kind of behaviour began. Thanks all, I fear being melodramatic but her threat of coming to my house has really shaken me. I will respond to the email and unblock her so I can store everything (ugh - I'll send it to a special folder).

 

yes, it is clear she sees you as the ONLY person to blame for the failed marriage - him sleeping with her and having a "happy" marriage probably contributed to the fantasy that you and only you ruined everything.

 

keep those mails and letters as proof of her harrassment. also, she threatened him to take the kids out of the country -- HUGE RED FLAG.

 

report her to the authorities if she tries something like this again, it should show her that her actions have real consequences. then he should have a convo with her and take a more firm attitude and tell her that he is ready to react if she continues to turn the kids against him.

 

you'll see how it will go from there.

[privategal]

Sometimes being ignored and feeling like your being made a fool of will drive you insane.

Shes probably hurting BADLY and lashing out.

Is there any part of you that might agree to calling or emailing a breif apology, some empathy, and asking that you mutually keep it civil.

If that doesn't help...after that...you can block..or take whatever measures...but I feel like I would try to be the bigger person...understand her position...not get into alot of emotion or deep discussion but rather be polite, breif, kind, patient, apologetic and ask if there's anything you can answer or do before you part ways and move forward.

[annawulf]

I suggested the apology/acknowledgement idea, he said it would be even more inflammatory. I'm realising there's still an attachment and whilst I think he will detach, it's going to take a while, be very painful, and I need to stay out of it as much as I can. She's trying to do a deal where she stays in the country until summer in return for him going NC with me. (How she would enforce it without turning Stasi I have no idea; I'm pretty sure her plan would be to win/force/blackmail him back in that time). The threats are now more focused around kids/suicide than me. I have said I don't have any objection to an adultery filing naming me, which she is asking for (but I think it's a bluff, she's trying to get me/him to resist). Whilst I don't think it's good for anyone for her to be calling the shots, I have to realise I'm not the person to preclude this and if that's the way it's going to be, I'll have to bow out, at least for now. If he goes back to her, so be it. I love him tremendously but I'm letting the serenity prayer be my guide (unlike her!).

 

Thanks so much for all your input. I sound calm but this is really draining me of energy. At least I know I'm not a drama addict - I ****ing hate it!! All soooo ugly and sad. I understand that she's angry and to an extent I opted into this situation - I do own my part in it.