Mother reached out to my ex without my consent

[Lovestinks12]

My ex of 4 years broke up with me and jumped into a new relationship. Its been 8 months and I've been struggling. I reached out to her a couple of times and I eventually got the point that it was time to move on. She did block me completely from her life, which was a smart move. I wasn't logically thinking or respecting her wishes so I understand why she did it.

 

Anyway, I've been having a rough time with trying to get my life on track. This month has especially been tough because I don't have anything to do because I broke my ribs and had to withdraw from classes so not being busy doesn't help. It has been so tough that I realized I needed extra help so I started therapy with the time off that I have.

 

so from what I gathered about break ups, people say to reach out to people around you. I basically only have my mom to talk to and she lives in another state. She's pretty much been my outlet and replacement for my ex and I know it sounds pathetic. I pretty much tell her everything going on with me so mostly things about my ex and how I miss her.

 

 

My mom has been putting up and listening to my crap about my ex for months now. She feels the pain I'm in and really wants to help, but doesn't know how to. I am very thankful I have someone to put up with my crap about my ex.

 

So my mom called my ex last week without my knowledge and asked her to call me and say hello from time to time. When she told me this, I nearly wanted to crawl into a ball and die. I really freaked out on my mom about the situation. I felt so sick to my stomach and I really let everything out emotionally. For her to do that really betrayed me and to let my ex know ( who has a BF!) that I'm still thinking about her and haven't moved on is ridiculous. It makes me look crazy and pathetic. My mom still didn't think it was a bad idea and after hearing everything, she obviously hasn't have the slightest idea about whats a good idea or a bad idea. I realized I need to cut contact with my mom for a while now. I can't forgive her for this and now I have no one to talk to. I'm still very shaken up about it and I get emotional just thinking about it.

 

I don't know what to do anymore and honestly not having anyone in my life is depressing.

Edited December 14, 2015 by Lovestinks12

[Itspointless]

So my mom called my ex last week without my knowledge and asked her to call me and say hello from time to time. When she told me this, I nearly wanted to crawl into a ball and die. I really freaked out on my mom about the situation. I felt so sick to my stomach and I really let everything out emotionally. For her to do that really betrayed me and to let my ex know ( who has a BF!) that I'm still thinking about her and haven't moved on is ridiculous. It makes me look crazy and pathetic. My mom still didn't think it was a bad idea and after hearing everything, she obviously hasn't have the slightest idea about whats a good idea or a bad idea. I realized I need to cut contact with my mom for a while now. I can't forgive her for this and now I have no one to talk to.

Stop right there, do not cut your mother out! What she did was not the best well thought thing to do, but it was done out of love. Given your good relationship with your mom you need to respect the reason why she did it. Say you thought about it and appreciate she did it, but that her contacting you is not what you want. Next time make sure that you make your boundaries clear in a gentle way before you confide into her. Lets say that I have experience with some females in my family.

 

Second, that your still thinking about her isn't ridiculous. Why would it be?

[Lovestinks12]

I understand it was out of love, but it doesn't change the fact that she reached out to my ex. I am sick thinking about it. I realized its not healthy to talk to my mom daily out of loneliness. I don't want to be co-dependent on anyone ever again, but i continue this pattern with my mom. Its 8 months and the fact that I haven't found someone else kills me. I honestly haven't been the same person since the break up. I'm depressed and lonely to the point that it has changed my personality. My ex didn't care for me and everything is going well for her. Its like I'm losing at life and she's flourishing. its ridiculous that I'm still at this point. I don't want this to take up anymore of my life, but it is and it really brings me down.

how would you handle this if you were in my position?

Edited December 14, 2015 by Lovestinks12

[Itspointless]

I understand it was out of love, but it doesn't change the fact that she reached out to my ex. I am sick thinking about it. I realized its not healthy to talk to my mom daily out of loneliness. I don't want to be co-dependent on anyone ever again, but i continue this pattern with my mom. Its 8 months and the fact that I haven't found someone else kills me. I honestly haven't been the same person since the break up. I'm depressed and lonely to the point that it has changed my personality. My ex didn't care for me and everything is going well for her. Its like I'm losing at life and she's flourishing. its ridiculous that I'm still at this point. I don't want this to take up anymore of my life, but it is and it really brings me down.

how would you handle this if you were in my position?

Hi Lovestinks, it took me more than a year after a short relationship to only feel a little better. Depression is hard, and it can feel like it never will be better. The good part is that is always gets better in the end, unfortunately some things in life we have to sit out. Also some things always will sting a bit in certain circumstances, like scars. There is a reason we call this a trauma.

 

For you I can recommend some of the obvious things, go out and enjoy people, nature, books, movies. Exercise, truly is a lifesaver, got to love the endorphines. Do not drink to much alcohol. Write about your feelings and go to a therapist who can help you in your grieving-process.

 

Keep talking with your mother, our moms are too short in our lives (I lost mine was I was nineteen many years ago). Having that said, yes perhaps you are leaning too much on your mother? You might want to investigate that pattern of codependency. Choosing a somewhat cold or uncaring partner can be part of that. Was that the case with your ex, or are you only talking about the current situation?

[Lovestinks12]

The part with going out and enjoying people is difficult to do alone for me. I am never relaxed or myself unless I drink. I don't know whats going on with me.

I instantly started exercising after the break up. I feel good while in the gym, but after I leave I go back into my depression. I have started writing about my feelings, but doesn't seem to work. I did start therapy since I have the time.

I'm sorry to hear about your mom, but I made up my mind. it will take some time, but I will reach out to my mom at some point.

[dawnheart]

What do you expect? Your mom listened to you complain and pour your heart out for eight months and decided to do something about it. She must've gotten tired of hearing it and seeing you in pain. And now you're mad at her? You can't forgive her for embarrassing you in front of a girl who no longer remembers you exist anyway? Come on.

[Itspointless]

The part with going out and enjoying people is difficult to do alone for me. I am never relaxed or myself unless I drink. I don't know whats going on with me.

I instantly started exercising after the break up. I feel good while in the gym, but after I leave I go back into my depression. I have started writing about my feelings, but doesn't seem to work. I did start therapy since I have the time.

I'm sorry to hear about your mom, but I made up my mind. it will take some time, but I will reach out to my mom at some point.

You know alcohol is a depressant? I know it numbs and it can be great, but too much of it really does not help us. Writing is also not a miracle cure, but it can help us organize our thoughts and help process our emotions.

 

You are traumatized, that is why you feel the way you do. Cutting your mother off does not bring any difference in that. It can only make your relationship with her worse which probably is not worth it That is why I told about my mother; sometimes people can be a pain in the ass, but it is good to know that they are there for us. Perhaps you should ask what your mother hoped to accomplish and search together for better solutions.

Edited December 14, 2015 by Itspointless

[anna121]

What do you expect? Your mom listened to you complain and pour your heart out for eight months and decided to do something about it. She must've gotten tired of hearing it and seeing you in pain. And now you're mad at her? You can't forgive her for embarrassing you in front of a girl who no longer remembers you exist anyway? Come on.

 

 

I think he could expect his Mom to have the discretion and common sense that God gave a goat.

 

OP, the fact that she doesn't think what she did was "so bad" shows that she is not equipped to act as your confidant. Get emotional support from her, but don't give her too much specific information. Her protective instincts will reliably overwhelm her boundaries.

 

You need to form networks of people you can hang out with and distract yourself until you heal from this...which will happen eventually! If you really can't relax with others without alcohol that is a danger sign and you should consider counselling.

[Lovestinks12]

Thank you Anna, I thought I was being too harsh and wasn't being reasonable towards the situation. What is the danger sign?

[Itspointless]

Thank you Anna, I thought I was being too harsh and wasn't being reasonable towards the situation. What is the danger sign?

I think you do not get it. If you want to ruin the relationship with your mother, or hear about it years to come, please go ahead.

 

It does not matter if your mother was right or not, you should have made your boundaries clear. Do not expect your mother to be a gatekeeper for you. It wasn't the best well thought action but what would you do if someone kickeed your dog? Be happy that she just talked to your ex.

[Lovestinks12]

I understand completely, I know it was my fault that it got to that point. I realize all my mom wanted to do was help, but the issue I have is that it did get to the point. I have to stop talking about my ex with my mom. Its hard not being able to express your feelings when you have no one to confide in. My depression/anxiety is making me forget a logical approach towards handling the break up. Its not healthy to unburden everything on a family member for this long. The fact I continue to bring it up is only making the memories of my ex to linger around. I'm mad at myself for telling my mom everything.

[d0nnivain]

Your mom was out of line.

 

While it's nice that she wants to help you out of your pain, that wasn't the way to go about it. I'd stop sharing personal details with her. I wouldn't cut contact with your own mother at Christmas but I would be very circumspect in what I talked to her about.

[Itspointless]

I understand completely, I know it was my fault that it got to that point. I realize all my mom wanted to do was help, but the issue I have is that it did get to the point. I have to stop talking about my ex with my mom. Its hard not being able to express your feelings when you have no one to confide in. My depression/anxiety is making me forget a logical approach towards handling the break up. Its not healthy to unburden everything on a family member for this long. The fact I continue to bring it up is only making the memories of my ex to linger around. I'm mad at myself for telling my mom everything.

Hi Lovestinks12, you are also too harsh on yourself I also have made that mistake in the past. It is not wrong to share things with them, but we have to be careful, like d0nnivain mentions as well.

 

I believe it is the other way around: I do not believe in burying emotions, unless we like to built a volcano. You know emotions cannot be tamed by logic. It is a big fallacy that we have started to believe we can. We can use logical approaches trying to guide our emotions, that is something else.

 

Perhaps it takes you a bit longer then some other people, you certainly are not alone in needing somewhat longer. There is nothing wrong in that. We are emotional beings and therefore we need people to confide in. I think that is something you should try to create for yourself. Unfortunately lesson learned with your mother. You can always share here. I am just trying to warn you to not cut your mother out. It can stain your relation with her and I think you do not want that.

[BuddyX]

Nothing wrong being a mommas boy. But find a male friend, a partner you can discuss this over a beverage. Find activities to do. Real men don't bitch and bout their Ex's.

If you're discussing this with only your mom, you need some male companionship.