Seraphina87 Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 I have had a male friend for about 8 years. The friendship was always platonic but I always felt that this person was one of my best friends who had my best interests at heart. He was always there for me when I was very unwell. The two of us had a mostly phone relationship because of distance and we would sometimes meet. Then, earlier this year since we were both single and having dated other people and it didn't work out, he suggested to me that we sleep together only in a casual way, with no expectations of a relationship. I was ok with this, but I did say to him that I was worried it would affect the friendship. He said 'we will always be friends' famous last words! To cut a long story short we only had sex maybe twice and I felt much the same about him as I did before. I still saw him more as a friend than anything else. He went away with work and when he came back I noticed his behaviour with me was really strange. He then sent me a whatsapp message about a guy I was briefly involved with a year ago. He copied pictures of him off Facebook and sent them to me, asking if this was the guy I had been involved with (it was). I felt a bit humiliated by this strange inquisition so I decided to lie and say 'no it's not him'. Please note that I am nit friends with this ex person on Facebook and also I don't even have his number now. He then said 'I can make my own enquiries'. I told him that I thought he was obsessing and that I didn't appreciate it. He went quiet. The next thing I knew, he had blocked me. Since then he has sent me really nasty emails, calling me a 'shady character' a liar and accusing me of repeatedly 'hitting out' at people (I assume because I got annoyed with him for interrogating me) he also said if I respond to him, he will call the police. He also said he's sorry for my children having a mother like me. Before all of this he only had nice things to say to/about me. And this one incident seems to have caused him to flip. I know I just need to let this go. But I feel really hurt. And I can't understand how I could have been so wrong about who he was. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 Truth is he was probably hoping to sleep with you all along and once he did, the niceties are over. Sad but true. The good news is now it's obvious he has an abusive side who is trying to find leverage to control you by humiliating you and degrading you. He probably is one of those double-standard types that considers anyone he sleeps with sullied. I'm sorry for your hurt, but be glad he revealed himself before it went any further, and block him back!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GalWithNiceGuyFriend Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 Truth is he was probably hoping to sleep with you all along and once he did, the niceties are over. Sad but true. The good news is now it's obvious he has an abusive side who is trying to find leverage to control you by humiliating you and degrading you. He probably is one of those double-standard types that considers anyone he sleeps with sullied. I'm sorry for your hurt, but be glad he revealed himself before it went any further, and block him back!! I agree with Preraph. I think his response is a bit too out of line given he is the one that suggested sleeping with no expectations. I must say that I don't know how to do this myself (the no strings thing) so it may be that he is developing feelings for you and getting jealous. The problem is, this is not how to respond to someone one really cares about. It ruins all the good vibe that should come with genuine care and romantic feelings about another person. He is being nasty. The police threat is seriously just silly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seraphina87 Posted December 15, 2015 Author Share Posted December 15, 2015 So it's possible he was friends with me for all that time waiting for his opportunity to do this? I feel very confused about what has gone through his mind for this to be the result. I myself don't easily get attached to people only through having sex - for me that can only come with spending a lot of time together doing other things as well. But I suppose I'm maybe unusual in that respect. He just seems so angry and bitter. I suppose sometimes it's impossible to really know someone if they keeps sides of themselves hidden. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seraphina87 Posted December 15, 2015 Author Share Posted December 15, 2015 Sorry, who are these people who consider people they've slept with to be 'sullied'? Is it a mysogynistic perspective that some men have? Link to post Share on other sites
GalWithNiceGuyFriend Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 So it's possible he was friends with me for all that time waiting for his opportunity to do this? I feel very confused about what has gone through his mind for this to be the result. I myself don't easily get attached to people only through having sex - for me that can only come with spending a lot of time together doing other things as well. But I suppose I'm maybe unusual in that respect. He just seems so angry and bitter. I suppose sometimes it's impossible to really know someone if they keeps sides of themselves hidden. I think so (from a female perspective though, so maybe ask the guys). I think he is getting a bit jealous. He is handling it wrong though. The police thing and including your children/your being a mother would turn me off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seraphina87 Posted December 15, 2015 Author Share Posted December 15, 2015 I don't really understand why he set the boundaries as casual from the beginning then? Perhaps he developed feelings after the sex and never told me? I think he's been really horrible to me and as far as I'm concerned he obviously never really cared about me. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 So it's possible he was friends with me for all that time waiting for his opportunity to do this? I feel very confused about what has gone through his mind for this to be the result. I myself don't easily get attached to people only through having sex - for me that can only come with spending a lot of time together doing other things as well. But I suppose I'm maybe unusual in that respect. He just seems so angry and bitter. I suppose sometimes it's impossible to really know someone if they keeps sides of themselves hidden. It can take years for a person to show their true self. You've seen it . Consider yourself lucky you dodged a bullet. He's not good. He was just on good behavior exploring possibilities and now he'd like to abuse, humiliate and shame you because that's probably what he thinks love is from something in his past. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 Sorry, who are these people who consider people they've slept with to be 'sullied'? Is it a mysogynistic perspective that some men have? Oh, yes, plenty of them! They will screw around with the women they have the most in common with and then time to marry, they'll try to find someone who seems spotless and mild and naive. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 Look, your best move here is not to try to make sense out of nonsense. Why try to crawl inside his diseased brain and understand it?? Just block him and leave it all behind and stop thinking you can fix him. You can't. And stop blaming yourself. It's not you. It's him. He's a mess. Please just block him and run and don't waste any more time on him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seraphina87 Posted December 15, 2015 Author Share Posted December 15, 2015 Thank you - I have blocked him in all ways. I certainly don't think I can fix him, nor do I want to. But the nasty things he said to me hurt (I'm quite sensitive anyway). I have realised that for the whole friendship he has tried to make me feel that we are very similar. He's always acted jealous of me and slightly gleeful when I've had relationship difficulties. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 Thank you - I have blocked him in all ways. I certainly don't think I can fix him, nor do I want to. But the nasty things he said to me hurt (I'm quite sensitive anyway). I have realised that for the whole friendship he has tried to make me feel that we are very similar. He's always acted jealous of me and slightly gleeful when I've had relationship difficulties. He's sadistic. And don't let yourself feel bad about nasty things he said -- consider the source!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 You will never know the real reason and frankly don't even bother about caring why. He's a dog. If you are not writing to him and he persists with abusive emails I'd reply with: At your demand, I have not contacted you. You have now contacted me with (X) abusive emails that I find threatening. Do not contact me in any manner by any means again. If you do I will consider this further harassment and will go to legal measures to stop it if all contact does not cease and desist immediately. Sign your name only. Then never think about him again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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