Do I have a right to be doubtful? Or am I just insecure?

[horcrux_gal]

Hi all,

 

I'm new to this whole forum and... I guess here's my story!

 

Being that it's a relationship forum clearly states that I have a problem with my partner. I hope to have sincere answers to whoever reads this and I ask for constructive reasons and criticisms and refrain from being insulting...

 

So I met him in the beginning of this year (spring semester) where he approached me to do an assignment for a class we were both taking. He asked for my number, did the assignment the next week and we pretty much hit it off from there. We were very casual then started to get a bit serious and had intercourse quite a few times.

 

Long story short, we became a relationship Over the summer and have been dating since then. Our connection has grown as well for the past 7 months we've been together.

 

Although my problem with him is that... I just never had a good feeling about him being a trustworthy person. Ever since I met him I just didn't have a good vibe.. I don't see his loyalty being potent in the relationship.

 

I've caught him quite a few times lying (white lies) but I just never knew why he has the necessary need to. Such as going to the store (when he's actually not), telling his friends he has stuff to do (when he doesn't).. I mean he would make up such a huge scenario for something that he can just tell the truth about, usually over something so small. What surprises me is how well he lies. If he can do that to anyone, he's most likely doing it to me.

 

I know he has a lot of girl friends and he has had a lot of girlfriends as well. I don't really care or mind, I am not a jealous type anyway. Before, I found a note in his drawer when I was looking for glue, and it was a farewell note from one of the girls he used to date. Should I be worried that it's still there to this day? He tells me they've dated 2 years ago but why still have that? I brushed it off since I don't really think it's something I need to worry about. Please tell me if I do! And why?!

 

Also he told me before he had a HUGE crush on one of the girls he's known since high school. Problem isn't her but how he reacts when she's around. As I'm observing he tends to get close to her a lot and talk to her, which is fine. Usually when we're out with people we give each other space to talk to others and mingle instead of just being together all the time. On his birthday, he received a text from her wishing him a happy birthday, I was sitting next to him and the light startled me since we were in a dark place, so I turned and saw her name but he was tilting the phone every time I looked at him. As if there was something to hide.

 

That bothered me and I addressed it to him and he told me it's just the way he holds his phone sometimes... But the few times I looked his way he would tilt his phone and then go back to normal when I stopped looking that way. And also, from his past girlfriends, no one liked this person at all and would tell him to not talk to her. So whatever, it still doesnt make sense but I brushed it off.

 

Next event was when we were all going to a club (with her being there as well) and we kind of ignored each other most of the time and he was only there when I was incapable of walking since I was drunk out of my mind that night. But before that, he was always looking at her and trying to get close to her. I saw him put his arm around her when I turned around and then he let go when I turned around. I didn't let it bother me but it did.

 

I shouldn't have done it but I looked at his phone while he was in the shower and I didn't see any messages that I should be worried about (between them) but... If you were friends with someone for so long and had a huge crush on... Wouldn't there be more messages other than your birthday?

With his phone as well, he makes the font super tiny to read and he doesn't save numbers. Why? Idk.

 

Anyway, here's my long story. Hope I can get some feedback. Thank you for getting this far whoever reading this.

[Space Ritual]

Well, you won't get any insults from me, I don't know why anyone would insult your post anyway.

 

That being said the initial concern I would have first and foremost is the lying. I know some people may not consider little white lies as very much but I don't see the point in it. Especially when the lie would be about something so insignificant on the surface. That would surely cause me concern.

 

The girl he had a huge crush on is something a bit distressing as well. From what you describe, he still has feelings for this girl, even maybe though he never truly acted on them.

 

The deal with the messages? IDK. Maybe he is a deleter. Some people are, but moreso if they are constantly on their phones. Is he on his phone constantly?

 

 

But what I see thus far is pretty circumstantial, apart form the lying. But what I say really does not mean anything. What is your GUT FEELING telling you? I am a firm believer in Gut feelings and have never been steered wrong by them. I guess it is safe to say that you had a gut feeling and that is why you posted? In that case I can only suggest sitting back and doing some more observation to see if more of a pattern can be deciphered from his actions.

 

Sorry I can't be of more help. However please continue to observe his actions and see if when something is amiss to you if he has a ready made seemingly plausible excuse for it.

[horcrux_gal]

Well, you won't get any insults from me, I don't know why anyone would insult your post anyway.

 

That being said the initial concern I would have first and foremost is the lying. I know some people may not consider little white lies as very much but I don't see the point in it. Especially when the lie would be about something so insignificant on the surface. That would surely cause me concern.

 

The girl he had a huge crush on is something a bit distressing as well. From what you describe, he still has feelings for this girl, even maybe though he never truly acted on them.

 

The deal with the messages? IDK. Maybe he is a deleter. Some people are, but moreso if they are constantly on their phones. Is he on his phone constantly?

 

 

But what I see thus far is pretty circumstantial, apart form the lying. But what I say really does not mean anything. What is your GUT FEELING telling you? I am a firm believer in Gut feelings and have never been steered wrong by them. I guess it is safe to say that you had a gut feeling and that is why you posted? In that case I can only suggest sitting back and doing some more observation to see if more of a pattern can be deciphered from his actions.

 

Sorry I can't be of more help. However please continue to observe his actions and see if when something is amiss to you if he has a ready made seemingly plausible excuse for it.

 

 

I was thinking of asking him straight about how Ive been feeling..But should I do more investigating first before punching in?

I did however ask him more about his relationship with this girl and he told me she's really no one. She was the type of girl that he would fall back to when he has no one to be interested in. But apparently never anything serious, no kissing, sex, no dating etc.

Then I started asking him about his past relationships and how was he really like. I never really asked him what type of person he was before and how he handled relationships then, since he's always had short superficial ones from what he has told me. So I felt that I had to! Apparently he was still talking to one of his ex's when we first met, he said they were "dating" but not bf/gf so idk exactly what he meant by that. I didn't wanna ask him for details (if they've had sex, etc while he was talking to me) or should I?

[Qboro90]

I was thinking of asking him straight about how Ive been feeling..But should I do more investigating first before punching in?

I did however ask him more about his relationship with this girl and he told me she's really no one. She was the type of girl that he would fall back to when he has no one to be interested in. But apparently never anything serious, no kissing, sex, no dating etc.

Then I started asking him about his past relationships and how was he really like. I never really asked him what type of person he was before and how he handled relationships then, since he's always had short superficial ones from what he has told me. So I felt that I had to! Apparently he was still talking to one of his ex's when we first met, he said they were "dating" but not bf/gf so idk exactly what he meant by that. I didn't wanna ask him for details (if they've had sex, etc while he was talking to me) or should I?

 

 

You are only going to create a problem and give yourself anxiety by continuing to probe into what your BF was like before you and him got together and became a couple. First of all he's never going to tell you anything that would make you question or doubt him going forward. You're nuts if you think asking him "did you sleep with your ex when we started first talkin to each other/hooking up?" Will result in him saying yes or "no but she gave me head like 2 weeks before I asked you out"...

 

While I think you have a slight reason to be a little bit wary based on him not wanting you to see his phone when getting texts, I also think that this could be something you need to approach in a less "jealous, paranoid" gf kind of way. First of all if you say that this girl was the person he gravitated towards when he had no other options or got lonely, then she's not someone who he's interested in dating, otherwise he would have done so before he met you. He clearly had opportunities to do so. My guess is that the might flirt here and there and although he's not hooking up with her or planning on cheating on you, be knows that some of the things she and him text or say here and there would not be totally OK with you if you ever read them.

 

It's also possible that it's just his and many guys natural reaction to keep their texts private when it's from a girl that's a friend. Even if she and him and just friends and nothing more, he probably knew there would be a argument or attitude from you if you saw she wrote "heyyy, happy birthday to my favorite guy!! Hope you have fun, lemme know if you're doing anything to celebrate".

 

 

What I want to stress more though is that you should leave the past and those details out of your relationship with him now. It sounds like insecurity on your part. What is asking/finding out what he used to be like when he dated girls before you do for your relationship with him now? No body wants to hear about the person they're withs actions and feelings for the girls that came before them. Not sure why you are so eager to find out. If he's not very experienced dating wise then you have nothing to worry about. He's learning as he goes so take this as your chance to mold him into the best version of himself and how a healthy couple should treat each other.

 

You can do this if you see him getting texts from another girl again where he is unwilling to let you see. That's where you have the right to say "listen, I know you haven't dated anyone really seriously before but if you're going to be with me and want me to trust you, you need to decide whether the ego boost from flirting with other girls/past flings/crushes is something you need in your life or if you respect and care about me enough to be a man and cease commicsting with them or allowing them to say things to you that you wouldn't want me to see".

 

If he insists that they are just friends then say that you are totally fine with that and all he has to do is let you see what she texts you so you can finally see that it's harmless and move on. If he can't show you or the history is deleted then you have every right to call him shady and re evaluate. My guess is that it's nothing serious and this girl isn't something he is interested in romantically

[Space Ritual]

I was thinking of asking him straight about how Ive been feeling..But should I do more investigating first before punching in?

I did however ask him more about his relationship with this girl and he told me she's really no one. She was the type of girl that he would fall back to when he has no one to be interested in. But apparently never anything serious, no kissing, sex, no dating etc.

Then I started asking him about his past relationships and how was he really like. I never really asked him what type of person he was before and how he handled relationships then, since he's always had short superficial ones from what he has told me. So I felt that I had to! Apparently he was still talking to one of his ex's when we first met, he said they were "dating" but not bf/gf so idk exactly what he meant by that. I didn't wanna ask him for details (if they've had sex, etc while he was talking to me) or should I?

 

 

Play it close to the vest and don't let on you have suspicions as of yet. Sit back and observe. Because if you just come out with it right now with just circumstantial evidence he may turn the tables on you and accuse you of being crazy, or if he is in fact acting nefariously, he o take it underground. So once again, based on what you told us, sit back and bide your time. If he is doing something wrong, he will slip up eventually. They always do in one form or another.

[bathtub-row]

It's really pointless to ask a liar for truthful answers. So asking him direct questions will be highly ineffective. Instead, whenever you're in his presence and he tells those fantastic stories to someone else about being somewhere he's not, etc, you need to let him know that hearing him lie to others is very disturbing to you and it's causing you to distrust him and lose respect for him.

 

If he doesn't stop even the white lies, you need to leave him. This is not a trustworthy person.

[d0nnivain]

You have unfounded suspicions. When looking for verification you found nothing. A birthday message is hardly a smoking gun. The note from 2 years ago could be nothing (unless he's moved several times since then in which case, why is he carrying it with him?)

 

 

For whatever reason you don't trust him. Based on the "evidence" you presented, there doesn't seem to be a reason for that. I do trust my guy but I'm right more then wrong. How is your track record?