Made the mistake of leaving the love of my life...regretting the decision

[saintjimmy]

I'm in a real crappy situation. I am in love with the woman I've been with for the past 4 years, but I made the terrible mistake of letting her go. And I can't fix it this time. I basically called it off out of anger back in early October, and this was over the computer; so after that we didn't talk or see each other for 2-3 weeks. She emailed me, but I ignored it for the time being because I was still trying to cool off and I didn't want to say anything rude or mean or degrading since I was still mad. But I think thats where my first mistake was...I should of just answered so we'd still be talking. Either way, in the third week, I didn't like the way things were. I had asked my psychiatrist to take me off my Prozac meds (for depression and anxiety) because our relationship was going downhill because those pills basically took away my sense of self. I became a totally different person. So after being off the pills, my emotions and feelings start rolling back in. I start to feel like my self again and I try to go and see her to talk. But she never came out of her house. I begged, I pleaded, I apologized, I wanted to talk and make things right. Or at least start something fresh and new. But she never came out. All she did was say I was harassing her, and how people break up and just move on and that made me feel like garbage, I couldnt move on after just 3 weeks... I sped away just crying my eyes out and wondering what I was to do next. I ended up just going home and crying for the rest of the night. The next few days were a very dark time for me that I dont want to repeat here. So fast forward to November, this is when our anniversary was. I decide to email her and this is what I wrote:

 

I'm writing to you to express my deepest and sincere apologies. I never wanted this for you and I. I was so immature in our relationship. I don't even know where to begin. I never listened to you, I never took your feelings into consideration until it was too late. You were so loyal to me and you only saw me with those beautiful eyes of yours. You made me your everything, you were always true with me. You were honestly the perfect woman. A woman that does not come around very often. I considered myself so very lucky. I thanked my lucky stars every night that you entered my life when it was at the verge of falling apart. I have a lot to thank you for. You helped me with so much, got me through so many tough times, helped me face big fears, eased my tensions, picked me up when I was down. I was so grateful for you to the point of tears. The sheer thought of you got me through a lot of rough nights where I was depressed. The happiest moment of my life was our one year anniversary. I’ve never been so happy, ever. And I say that with such sincerity, because it really was. I really couldn’t tell you when the last time I ever felt my spirit so uplifted. That’s because of the amazing human being that you are. You made so many aspects of my life better. You were there for me, when I felt like no one else was. I’ve felt so whole when I was with you. From your comforting words to your soft touch. To you always being a quick phone call nearby or being right around the corner to go to. I feel like I took advantage of a great person in my life, and it pains me so much. I do not know what happened to me. I changed, but for the worst. I became something me nor you could recognize anymore and that something ultimately took everything away from me. My sense of self, my feelings, personality and most importantly..you. It took away the love of my life. The only good thing going for me, just gone. Now that I’ve finally gotten rid of that someone, I am missing you more than ever. I miss your cute face, your warm hugs, your passionate kisses, sitting on the couch together watching TV, eating tropical smoothie with Steve Harvey, double dates with Cortney and Dylan. I just miss us. Me and you. I miss our talks, I miss holding your hand, I miss taking pictures with you even when we both looked terrible! I miss singing in the car with you. I miss you joking around about “what if I was this tall and you were this short?”, I miss our fun times, I miss a lot of things. I screwed up royally and I’m terribly sorry. I’m not perfect, we all make mistakes. Some little, some big. But, we all have to take responsibility for our own actions. It’s part of being an adult, which I haven’t acted like in a real long time. But as this time goes forward, I realized my mistakes and I repent myself for making them. So many things I’ve said were so cruel and out of character. From the bull**** with other girls, and wanting something else. What was I honestly thinking? Who the hell was talking? I had all I wanted in front of me. I was such an ******* and I really need to apologize for that. It was so out of line for me to say **** like that to someone I deeply care about. The amount of disrespect I showed you from cursing you out to calling you that horrible word. I’ve felt horrible ever since that day. I am so sorry. All the fights and arguments got way out of hand...because of me. I had a short fuse, I should of talked it out with you like a mature loving boyfriend would so we would actually grow closer as a couple, not drift further. I made such rash decisions about what came out of my mouth and it was so wrong. So, so very wrong. I didn’t stop to think about you or your feelings. How could I be so cold? I’m so sorry. For me to say you mean a lot to me, then pull that **** is totally out of line and I could see why you would call me a liar, or say I didn’t care, or that I didn’t love you. If you honestly care about someone, and love them with every fiber of your being, you don’t do that. There’s no reason to make someone feel like garbage. And the fact that I got pissed because you felt weird and uneasy about something? Honestly, what kind of person am I? Selfish. I didn’t take the time to think about why you were uncomfortable with an issue we had. It was never desperation when you showed up uninvited, it was all because you loved me and cared enough to want to work things out with me. I automatically jumped the gun and just worried about me. Me me me me. Wanted what I wanted and that was it. It was just another example of me being self-centered. The whole situation with getting married, and having kids. This scenario scared me, so maybe that’s why I was so estranged towards you. It wasn’t something I wanted to think about (again, self-centered) and I would fight with you about it. But honestly, it’s a normal reality I’m going to have to face one day and it’s really not that bad when I think about it. It shows that I’ll be grown up and break free of these childish ways I’m set in. Which is what I want. I want to be a mature, successful man, with a beautiful wife, kids, a house, a decent job and a healthy living. It was just my foolish head thinking I’d be a kid forever, which isn’t true. I want change. Change for the better. I want to prove to you that I am capable of doing so. I want you to be the woman who shares those moments with me. It won’t get you back, but I still want to show you that I can do something and not run away from it. I want to show you that I’m not the person you saw me to be. The cowardly person who ran away anytime something got too difficult or stressful, because in life, those situations happen everyday, everywhere, anytime. It’s just another reality that I have to face. and I believe I am ready. I have built up the confidence to face life as it comes. This break-up is the first of many trials and tribulations I’ll have to deal with. Even though, I’m completely and utterly destroyed by it, by the time you read this, I hope I have become what I described above. The person you wanted to succeed, the person you pushed towards his goals, the person you wanted nothing but the best for. I want to be that person. I want to be that person, for you. Things might have not worked out the way we wanted, and I made promises I couldn’t keep. I broke the biggest promise of all, the promise within the ring I gave you. I denied it was a promise ring, but in all honesty, it was. It was my promise to you. To love you always and forever. I lost sight of what really was there. I lost the love of my life and with that I lost a piece of myself. I have such a fire in me to have us be together again and make things work. But if I’m honestly not what you really want in someone, then I am sorry I fell short of expectation. My heart and arms are always open, and I have an infinite amount of chances to give out. I don’t want to give up on you. I don’t want to forget you. I don’t want you to be the one who gets away. I don’t want to give up on us. You don’t know how bad I want to fix this. I know you’re afraid of me, and you have a large wall up with my name on it and I understand. I have never been so honest in my life. Everything negative that has happened hasn’t been worth it at all. I know you have a lot of people around you now, building you up and probably straying you away from me. I've never been unfaithful to you. When you told me you didn’t love me anymore and did not want to think of me ever again, it was so heart wrenching to take in this reality I’m living in right now. I feel like my soul is destroyed and my heart is shattered into a million pieces. And nothing is fixing it. This time apart isn’t fixing it at all. The inability to talk to one another isn’t helping. Peoples advice and support is doing me no good. The tears I shed every night thinking doesn’t make me feel any better either. I honestly cannot go on in this life if you are not there by my side. I’ll be lost forever..But even through all these words and apologies, you still won’t be able to look at me the same way you have before. I’ve broken your heart too many times beyond repair. The fact that you couldn’t talk to me a few weeks ago didn’t help. I wish you would’ve just heard me out and believed me. But after all I’ve done, I’m sure you can’t do that. Every morning I want to text you good morning, and every night I want to text you good night. I worry about about you every day still. Every day, I sit here crying, wanting you to call or text me. To call me and say “let’s talk things out.”. I go to work every day hoping you walk in. Every day I come home from work or school, I’m hoping you are outside. Every day I long to tell you what I've been doing in school. I want to show you everything I've made and created. I want to show you my good grades and have you be proud of me. I want to hear about your days, too. I want to help you with study for your tests. I want you to succeed. I want to be there with you when you do. I don't want us to be as if we are strangers. The mind is a powerful thing, but so is love. It makes us do crazy things. I never stopped loving you, even when I said I didn’t. I still did. I still do. You don't stop loving someone in a day, week or even a month. Not if the person really means something to you. These four years spent with you have honestly been the best times of my life, with some real ****ty times. Every couple has them. They can work through them. I’m just so upset with myself that I didn’t get my one last chance to right this wrong, permanently. I know I've said it before but, I’m different now, I swear on my own life. I swear on my fathers life. I've been doing great in school. I've been applying for new jobs. Losing you sparked something inside me. I had to change things about myself. I felt like such a loser. I had to make myself someone better, someone you'd see as a worthy partner. I couldn't lose the love of my life just like that. I had time to think, I had time to figure out what I wanted. and I want you. You're the person for me. You're the woman of my dreams (literally and figuratively). You're the one I want an ass kicking from. You're the one I want to talk on the phone with. You're the one I want to text all day long. You're the one I want to go out and have fun times with. You're the one I want to buy flowers for. You're the one I want to love and care for. You're the one I want to spend the holidays with. You're the one I want to take to Disney World. You're the one I want to marry and have a life together with. You're the one I want to make eternally happy. You're the one I want to be my forever and always. You're the only one. My head was just clouded with such other **** that I became blurred to the only person who matters. I didn't have my priorities in check. You're such an amazing woman and I took total advantage of that. I promise you, I am not here to hurt you. I don't want to hurt you. I never want to hurt you ever again in my life. You’ll always hold a very special place in my heart. I never want to open myself to another person... I've never been so in love with a person before.. Please remember all the good times we had. Remember the peak of our love. The times we looked at one another and just saw pure bliss.. I would do anything to have that back. I am so willing to try. I will fight for you. I can't listen to others and just "let you go". I can't just stop loving you. I can't just forget you. I can't conform to the norm and just let the person who means the most walk away just because that's how everyone else does it.. Every day without you has felt like an eternity. I just want to hug you and tell you that every thing is going to be okay. Please don't let our bad times define us. It's the good times that do. I wanted to tell you all of this in person...and that I've made such a huge mistake... I am so sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for making you feel like I gave up...Please don't forget about me. Please don't let me go. Please don't stop loving me. These people aren't gone. They just got side-tracked of what really mattered. I know we can do this. Please, believe me when I say it.

 

She saw this, and responded on her tumblr with this the next day:

 

Today would have been our 4 year anniversary. Don’t think I had forgotten. I wish I could. I was thankful it was Thanksgiving so that I was surrounded by family all day as a distraction. But you crossed my mind several times. I always remember our first date and how messy but wonderful it was. And I remember our first anniversary where you gave me the infinity ring and expressed how much I truly meant to you. It all seems like a dream and feels so long ago at the same time.

As I sit here writing this I’m fighting myself from crying because I don’t want to. Personally, I don’t want to feel anything for you anymore. But, I guess it isn’t that simple after loving someone so deeply for four years.

I read your email and it made me cry. You made me relive so many happy memories in those few minutes I read it. And for a moment all I wanted was to cry in your arms. But then I remember how hurt I am. How hurt I’ve been. And how hurt I was. It’s so easy to fall back into the good times and forget the bad. But there are, and I believe always will be, those little reminders in the back of my mind of all the terrible times. After this time, I don’t think I will ever be able to recover.

When we broke up all I wanted to do was find someone else to get my mind off of you. But it isn’t that simple. Every day I remembered you as much as I wanted to block it out. Four years doesn’t just disappear in a day…a week…a month…2 months almost.

Right now, I feel like I can’t be with anyone. Not you. Not anyone. And I don’t know how to explain that after all I wanted was you for so long. I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore. And lately I feel like I keep trying to be someone I’m not…but maybe I need to in order to find myself?

I feel like I’m on this gigantic journey in life. And I feel like I need to do it alone.

This could possibly be the biggest mistake I ever make to let you go. And it’s a huge risk. But I think this is what I need to do. I want us both to be happy by whatever means necessary. Whether we find each other again someday, I don’t know. Whether we end up with other people (which kills me to say), I don’t know. I feel like I really don’t know anything anymore, and it’s really scary.

Like I said, I am on this journey to find myself and who I am and what happiness means. And I need to do this on my own.

You will always be in my heart every step of the way. I’ll forever love you, [myname].

 

I read it and it made me cry more. I don't want to believe that she wants to let me go. I feel like I know her better than this. She even insinuates that she doesn't want us to be with other people. Why would she say that, but not want to work things out with me? I'm so willing. I just need help.

 

THis is my final email to her that I sent 2 days ago. Shes read it about 9 times in the past 2 days. (tracker app on gmail)

Look, I know I was a douche and a jerk and every other word there is for a ****ty person, but i really do apologize and I have to tell you that I have changed. Really, I didn't mean to ignore you for those three weeks, I was just so mad and I needed time to cool off. I never stopped thinking about you though, i never stopped loving you. But' Ive changed for the better, I picked up all the pieces and honestly put myself back together. I realized everything that was going on between us was a product of my own personal unhappiness. I just so happen to of taken out all my frustrations and anger out on you. I said so many terrible things, things I shouldn't of said. Things I shouldn't of thought about saying. But its something that has happened, and it will stay in the past where it belongs. They always say we hurt the people we love the most. And I did, I hurt the person who means the most to me. The person I love. The person I care for with every fiber of my being. We may have fallen apart because of me, but please trust me, believe in me like you once did, I want to build us back up again. I will be the first one to tell you I was wrong. All relationships go through hell, but its the real ones that get through it. I think back to all the arguments and fights, and I honestly just laugh because they were so stupid. I'll admit I was also stupid for blowing them out of proportion. And I know we aren't really together, its been a painful three months almost but I really do feel deep down in my heart, with the utmost confidence that we can get through this. We can get through this and come out of it stronger. Stronger together. If we can get this through this, anything is possible, . The worst possible thing to do is to give up completely right now. The worst thing to do is forget who you are. Don't make the same mistake I did. I was looking to change into a person I totally wasn't. It couldn't happen. Because I am who I am. My past has molded me into who I am and I can't change that in a blink of an eye. We can change subtle things about ourselves to make our lives a little more tolerable and enjoyable, but we can't change our entire personality just like that at this point in our lives. I tried to do that and my whole world came crashing down and I ended up caving. I will always be [myname]. The one Cortney introduced you to in 2011 at the lazer tag place, the mustang-loving, kind hearted, loving boy you know. The one who gave you a beautiful white-gold-because-he-knew-about-your-gold-allergy infinity ring to signify your importance to him, which still holds to this day. The one who promised to love you always and forever. Not that pseudo pile of **** you once knew these past months. It wasn't me. I don't and I won't give up on you. and I know that isn't you either. You dont give up this quickly. You don't give up on love this easily. And I don't either. Even if it did seem like I was giving up, I really didn't. I was just being a coward and running away from my true feelings. That was then, It's not the case now. I've pulled myself together, despite this whole thing, I did really awesome this semester. I really feel like I have a knack for this stuff I'm doing considering I've gotten all A's in my classes. It really feels as if things are looking up as far as my goals in life go. I'm content, but I am missing a piece, and that piece is you. The more days that go by, the more I miss you. and no, not the idea of you. I honestly miss [hername]. I miss my beautiful partner. I miss my support system. I miss my home. I miss my reason. You are all those things to me. You and school will be my priority. Our issues can and will fade to nothing. No more yelling. No more cursing. No more games. No more bull**** with other people, because really in the end, they aren't the ones you come home to. They aren't the ones you spend all your time with. They aren't the ones who will be by your side all the way throughout life. These people aren't the people you kiss in front of the tree in Manhattan. These aren't the people who will cuddle with you when its cold. These aren't the people who are going to hold you close and tell you everything is going to be okay when times are tough. They aren't going to be the ones who you look into their eyes and say you love them. These people cannot replace you. And they never will. You're the one I want to be with, not just as a girlfriend, but as a life partner. I don't care if you're my first girlfriend or my hundredth. You are my future and I cannot believe I made the terrible mistake of letting go of my future just like that. You may feel as if things could never be okay, but they can. We just need to try. Four years is too much time to just throw away so easily. It's been so long, I've learned so much from this, I never want to let you go ever again. It's a promise I want to keep. Forever. Please give me this last chance. I love you.

 

I'm doing everything I can to convince her that the person shes known for the past few months is dead and gone. The person she fell in love with is here to stay and make everything okay. I'm trying to show her that my intentions are serious. Guys, I really haven't been so honest in my whole life. Everything I say in those emails are straight from my heart and soul.

 

Everyone I talk to gives me different advice, but I dont know what to follow. Some friends say dont worry she'll come around, some say just move on and forget her. But I dont wanna forget her, I dont want to give up my love for this person. I care too much for this human being to just throw in the towel. Its been three months so far with very little contact and Im starting to lose hope. I just don't know. Every day feels like an eternity.

[d0nnivain]

I didn't even read the walls of text.

 

 

Here's your biggest problem -- whatever is wrong in your relationship cannot be fixed via e-mail or worse, tumblr. You breaking up with her is forgivable imo. You doing it via a computer is not.

 

 

Put down your devices & talk to each other in person, face to face. Until & unless you can do that whenever an emotional issue arises you will never have a fulfilling healthy relationship.

[saintjimmy]

I didn't even read the walls of text.

 

 

Here's your biggest problem -- whatever is wrong in your relationship cannot be fixed via e-mail or worse, tumblr. You breaking up with her is forgivable imo. You doing it via a computer is not.

 

 

Put down your devices & talk to each other in person, face to face. Until & unless you can do that whenever an emotional issue arises you will never have a fulfilling healthy relationship.

 

She doesnt want to see me face to face. So thats a road block in front of me.

[theredpill]

Those letters are unreadable, arrange them in paragraphs or nobody will offer advice.

 

 

Stop writing long winded emails to her, she knows how you feel - let time have the chance to bring her back and in the meantime, keep working on yourself so you have options.

 

 

I wouldn't take you back if I was her, until you sort out your life... sorry dude, know your words are from the heart but they're way too full on, she needs space away from you and the mails are too intense and clingy.

 

 

Stop the contact right now, for the right reasons - if she wants to work on things SHE will get in touch with you.

[privategal]

I would thank her for her reply in a non emotional friendly light hearted way, tell her you understand she needs to sort herself and you've been doing thr same.

Do NOT imply you will be waiting around but always there for her...no no no.

Wish her a Merry Christmas and tell her you hope you can both figure out what your futures hold in time.

Then DO NOT CONTACT HER.

The begging, pleading, emotional emails, it isnt helping.

She does know you care and love her but she didn't come back.

You gotta let go now and start to change your life and if its meant to be she will come back ON HER OWN.

stop emailing. Let time do its thing.

[saintjimmy]

I cant edit my original post. Im sorry guys

 

and really the only reason I went all out on the emails is because during our relationship I became very distant, and cold. So i wanted to reassure her that it isnt how I am now. I dont want her to think Im the same person I was for a brief time in our relationship.

 

Shes a very stubborn person who doesnt budge to much.

Edited December 15, 2015 by saintjimmy

[anika99]

I agree that the original post was very difficult to read due to the poor formatting. I couldn't get through the first email you sent your ex but I did read her reply and most of your reply to her reply and I say you need to leave her alone now.

 

All I see in your emails are begging and emotional manipulation. Telling her she's making a mistake, telling her she's giving up, telling her what she should think and do, going on and on about yourself and your feelings. Blech! You've said your piece now leave her alone. If she responds again and still says she has doubt and wants to remain broken up then you send her a short reply telling her you understand where she is coming from and you wish her the best and then stop chasing her. The more you try to control or manipulate the situation by bombarding her with your long winded emails that are all about you and what you want, the more she is going to push you away in an effort to get some space.

[saintjimmy]

So my female cousin who was in a very similar situation advised me as to try one last time and as a final resort for a response, or even just closure. She advised i send her flowers, but after that not to contact her. I read my cousin my emails and she said they were beautiful and mean alot, but she also says that they are just merely words. She said i have to start taking actions to show my intentions are serious. Actions speak louder than words. What do you guys think? If i can control myself and not contact her after that, i think itd be a good idea but i dunno.

[d0nnivain]

You buy people flowers when you are in love. They can be used to say you are sorry but at this point, you'd be wasting your money. Your EX is not ready to listen

[saintjimmy]

You buy people flowers when you are in love. They can be used to say you are sorry but at this point, you'd be wasting your money. Your EX is not ready to listen

 

I am in love and i am sincerely sorry. I feel like i dont really have much to lose at this point besides money which is the least if my worries. I want her to know that i appreciate her. And really all im honestly looking for is forgiveness, which i havent gotten. If she wants to work with me someday then fine, if she doesnt then fine. But i cant go on knowing i have someone holding something against me when i deeply regret it

Edited December 15, 2015 by saintjimmy

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Then send the flowers but it's unlikely that it will move her to reconcile with you. She knows full well how you feel about her and how remorseful you are for hurting her. But..her needing to be alone is about her not you.

 

Sending her the flowers is something you need to do to feel like you've tried everything in your power to reach out to your ex. Send it without any expectations and leave her alone. Don't even ask her if she received the flowers. If she is interested in contacting you, SHE WILL.

 

If you do continue to contact her she will find it bothersome and end up losing all kinds of feelings for you.

 

I am in love and i am sincerely sorry. I feel like i dont really have much to lose at this point besides money which is the least if my worries. I want her to know that i appreciate her. And really all im honestly looking for is forgiveness, which i havent gotten. If she wants to work with me someday then fine, if she doesnt then fine. But i cant go on knowing i have someone holding something against me when i deeply regret it