Am I a victim of emotional abuse or being overly dramatic?

[sanebrain9]

Thank you so much in advance to everyone offering advice. I need help on whether or not I have been on the receiving end of emotional abuse/passive aggressive behavior, or if I am being crazy. There has not been any derogatory name-calling, hiding of my keys, hitting, etc. and I am unsure.

I have been in this relationship for 5 years, and I am in my late twenties. The first 4 years were great overall – we were very much in love. My boyfriend has always been controlling but I used to always tell people it was “because he loved me.” He was always concerned with my diet, exercise, and hobbies, but in general I felt loved and supported. I guess I have always felt I needed to walk on eggshells a little to feel like I was who he wanted me to be, but I was also very young when we started dating and have a people-pleasing personality.

 

I started serving/bartending after relocating for him about a year and half ago. This really upset him (I was looking for another professional job but could not find one and then decided I was content bartending for a while). He was angry that I worked in a restaurant and our fights escalated, lasting about 8 months. I felt like I was going crazy. He yelled at me constantly. He put me down all of the time, telling me I couldn’t act like an adult or take responsibility in life. Everything was my fault. The fights were not in his control, only mine (if I got a new job, none of this would have happened). I received the silent treatment every few days. He got drunk and yelled at me a handful of times, sighing heavily when I cried and getting annoyed. Little things became huge things – for example, when I came home from a painting class and laughed at how I had to throw away my painting because it was so terrible, he was furious and told me I could not take responsibility for myself and in life. There was a lot of crying on my part, and him going to bed and sleeping like a baby afterwards. We fought like this almost every night. He threatened to leave many times. A few months into the fight, I told him I could not take it anymore and needed him to stop. He agreed, and then didn’t. He held the “ultimatum” over my head and asked how I would feel if he gave me an ultimatum (he’s given me two as of now) – this became the source of everything and our discontentment according to him. He told me if I ever brought up “feelings” he would just walk away, because “he didn’t deal with feelings.” I felt nervous constantly, like I was walking on eggshells and had to be very careful not to set him off. I felt I could not leave the house except to work in case he wanted to fight (he would get upset sometimes if I did and was outraged I thought it was a good time to leave the house when we had issues). I understand why someone would need to be with someone who was ambitious, but I felt he should have left me if I would not change something that important to him rather than act this way.

 

I got a new job and the fighting stopped. I told him I needed to talk about some of the things that happened that really hurt me and he refused, saying he was too exhausted by the fight and said never to bring it up again. He doesn’t remember this, like many other things. I tried anyway months later, and our conversations have been circular – he cannot do anything unless I forgive him, he doesn’t think he was in the wrong, etc. Of course, I had/have different views. He is still a little controlling, like always, and gets annoyed if I am out with a girlfriend for longer than I should be.

 

I left the relationship one week ago and it was the hardest thing I have had to do in my short, inexperienced life. We had a conversation the following day at his request and it felt like all of our other fights – circular, and like I was the real problem in the relationship – although he cried, said we could fix things, said he wanted to be with me, and that we have been through a lot and could get through this. The other day, when I came to pick up my things from our house, he was waiting for me. He cried and insisted that everything would be different and he hasn’t been fair to me. I stayed. I’m not sure if I did the right thing. I feel in my gut that something is wrong, but if that fight is over and he says he’ll be different, am I just holding onto the past for no reason?

[CarrieT]

You were right to leave and I'm sorry you went back. He is very controlling and manipulative. He took advantage of your youth and now that you are maturing, you aren't as pliable - which is a good thing.

 

Consider being on your own for while / there are many who would treat hou better without belittling you.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

As I read the first few sentences, I was ready to ask you to plot the alcoholics in your family tree for us.

 

Just when I was almost ready to refrain from asking, sure enough, this guy turns up drunk in one sentence.

 

 

So c'mon, is he a heavy drinker?

 

 

And are there heavy drinkers among your parents or grandparents?

[sanebrain9]

Thank you soooo much for your replies.

 

I didn't mention that it has been 6 months since that big fight, and everything has been relatively okay since it ended except for some smaller control issues (like the being out with friends thing) and dismissal of my feelings (which is a big deal, of course). I have felt unsure because I wonder if that really could have been a one-time thing and I am just holding onto the past. He insists that it is unfair to think it would happen again in other situations in the future and says we will never run into the same issue again.

 

I do not have a long history of alcoholism in my family and had a good childhood. My dad's grandmother was an alcoholic and my dad abused alcohol and sleeping pills to sleep at night from a crazy hospital schedule, but he was not an alcoholic. I do wonder if I have allowed myself to become part of one of those psychological patterns where you date your father - they are both very intelligent, dependable, and emotionally unavailable.

[sanebrain9]

Oh, and yes, my boyfriend is a heavy drinker.

[GemmaUK]

His drinking is no excuse for his behaviour.

 

He is controlling, emotionally abusive, has gaslighted you and has anger issues.

 

Do not go back, please do not go back.

 

If you are a reader maybe take a look in here at some of the books I have read:

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/524069-book-suggestions

[SincereOnlineGuy]

(Tip-toeing here)

 

 

Based on your response, it fits the profile that you, for not yourself having the gene for alcoholism/addiction, have the traits of a "caretaker"... best suited to searching high and low, romantically, for an addict/alcoholic to take care of.

 

It is a terrible cycle... (but admittedly addiction/alcoholism is even worse)

 

 

The boyfriend just isn't a good match for you... but you have probably been in an environment where his sorts of traits have been around you so much, that you don't know how peaceful life is supposed to be.

 

 

(* the part about your father having abused alcohol while not being an alcoholic is rather unique, so I am puzzled about that)

[sanebrain9]

(Tip-toeing here)

 

 

Based on your response, it fits the profile that you, for not yourself having the gene for alcoholism/addiction, have the traits of a "caretaker"... best suited to searching high and low, romantically, for an addict/alcoholic to take care of.

 

It is a terrible cycle... (but admittedly addiction/alcoholism is even worse)

 

 

The boyfriend just isn't a good match for you... but you have probably been in an environment where his sorts of traits have been around you so much, that you don't know how peaceful life is supposed to be.

 

 

(* the part about your father having abused alcohol while not being an alcoholic is rather unique, so I am puzzled about that)

SincereOnlineGuy - I do feel I fit that "caretaker" profile. I see how the comment of my dad is contradictory. I guess my perceived idea of "alcoholism" is different and possibly incorrect. My dad used alcohol as a sleep aid and drank a little with a sleeping pill, which is very dangerous. I had always thought his issue was with sleeping pills, not alcohol.

[sanebrain9]

SincereOnlineGuy - I do feel I fit that "caretaker" profile. I see how the comment of my dad is contradictory. I guess my perceived idea of "alcoholism" is different and possibly incorrect. My dad used alcohol as a sleep aid and drank a little with a sleeping pill, which is very dangerous. I had always thought his issue was with sleeping pills, not alcohol.

But I guess a substance is a substance.

[Standard-Fare]

I think if you are asking the question "Is this abuse," that already indicates a problem. Whether or not it qualifies as textbook abuse, it's verged close to that definition from your perspective, and that's a big deal.

 

You talk about circular conversations, redundant fights, issues with drinking, and short-term fixes that ultimately go nowhere. That's not a happy relationship.

 

Unless you see this guy taking significant steps to help lift you two out of this repetitive cycle of problems (i.e. therapy to work on his control issues, and probably quitting drinking), then I don't know if you can expect this situation to improve. Things may be seem better for a while but chances are you're going to find yourself still walking on eggshells and wrestling with these bad feelings in your gut.

[hippychick3]

Sweetie, you should not have gone back.

 

Your post triggered a lot of terrible emotions for me. I was looking at myself 20 years ago with my ex, minus the drinking. Everything else was nearly identical. I made the mistake of marrying him, and the walking on eggshells never stopped. His controlling and possessive behaviors were a nightmare. Everytime I tried to leave, he pulled the same thing your bf did...crying, begging me to come back, and promising it would be different next time.

 

The problem is that it can't be different next time, because these men are so insecure and so angry inside that they NEED to fight and to put us down. The fights allow them to release all of that negativity inside them and in a twisted way receive that insatiable validation when we try to assure them that their thoughts are wrong. That turmoil they feel will always be there. Nothing I did or said could prevent the inevitable verbal explosions.

 

Gather up your emotional strength again and get out asap.

[sanebrain9]

Thank you for sharing hippychick - that made my stomach turn.

 

There was only a period of these harsh behaviors. It is not consistent. Which makes me feel confused and hesitant.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Sanebrain,

 

I recognize that there is just no way that Loveshack can simulate for you the (lack of chaos, really) that is 'supposed to' entail a healthy relationship.

 

It is widely believed that there is a gene for addiction, and thus "a substance IS a substance", as you said.

 

Somebody with a single addict for a parent likely has a 50/50 chance of getting the gene, and somebody with two addicts for parents likely has a 75% chance of getting the gene.

 

Those 'lucky' enough to be bred into those environments without getting the gene for addiction so often acquire the learned trait that IS the classic caretaker.

 

Now when one encounters a classic caretaker at the gas station, pumping her gas, she won't generally harm a flea, and will be a very proper member of society... BUT her tolerance for chaos NOT born within, is through the roof, OFTEN to her OWN detriment.

 

 

BUT when that's all one knows, in the way of living environs, it is so hard for outsiders to show her any other environment, and so hard for her to be motivated to look around (while believing) something else to exist out there...

 

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand then, just when you DO 'solve' the riddle and find yourself a non-addicted, non-needy, non-controlling BF... you sorta MISS the chaos or the unease in your world.

 

On the bright side, at least YOU get to contemplate your conundrum while sober...

 

 

(all I can really do is inspire you to think... ) (... and to believe {in something better... out there...} )

[Jellicle Cat]

His drinking is no excuse for his behaviour.

 

He is controlling, emotionally abusive, has gaslighted you and has anger issues.

 

Do not go back, please do not go back.

 

If you are a reader maybe take a look in here at some of the books I have read:

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/524069-book-suggestions

 

Yep. He's abusive. Gemma's book list is terrific. Definitely read 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft. It explains everything about abuse. Once you understand exactly what abuse is everything will be crystal clear and you'll be able to kick him to the curb for good.

 

Abusers DO NOT CHANGE. EVER. They just change their method of abuse to more covert tactics.

 

Run for your life, sweetie.

 

Jelli

[GemmaUK]

Yep. He's abusive. Gemma's book list is terrific. Definitely read 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft. It explains everything about abuse. Once you understand exactly what abuse is everything will be crystal clear and you'll be able to kick him to the curb for good.

 

Abusers DO NOT CHANGE. EVER. They just change their method of abuse to more covert tactics.

 

Run for your life, sweetie.

 

Jelli

 

Thank you Jelli.

The books which hit hardest and made most sense were The Jealousy Game (for hitting hard and a quick read - like ripping a plaster off) and Why Does he Do That (long read for total common sense and incredible insight that I had never had before about abusive types).

 

Jelli is right, run for your life. It IS that serious.

[turnera]

I hope you are reading the book recommended: Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men. It will explain WHY he cannot be what you want him to be. Why you have to leave. Why you have to stand firm and insist that if he really wants you, HE will attend therapy for YEARS, not weeks or months. Therapy is the ONLY way he will ever become a worthwhile partner. And he will NEVER attend therapy if you stay there; he has no reason to - he has all he needs.

[cupcakebunny]

You did the right thing. If you're questioning it and it makes you nervous...that's a bad sign. There will be problems in a relationship. And rough patches, but the thing is, there should be comfort and knowledge deep down that you can work through them. That's sort of the point.

 

 

If you're nervous and KNOW in your gut that nothing ever was getting resolved. Leave. I did the same thing about 7 months ago. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life because despite everything he was my companion for a decade. But that still wasn't enough.

 

 

He didn't have a substance abuse problem and some of the stuff was a bit different, but the gaslighting(everything was always my fault and stemmed from my "emotional" problems. or it was a power issue?????) and the unending fighting that was never resolved was the same. And the thing is, there were quiet and happy times but without fail, there would be some horrible fight every few weeks. That pattern never changes for bad/abusive relationships. You did the right thing.