Complicated situation

[Kc1978]

My husband and I have been married for 11 years. We have 5 (17, 16, 16,

14 and 10) children.

He used to be the perfect husband until he returned from a 400 day deployment in Afghanistan.

He is now drinking 6 to 8 beers a day and smoking weed all day long not working other than on drill weekends. I love this man but he refuses to get help. The older kids have caught on to what is going on and I am at a loss. His lifestyle is completely unacceptable to me but I don't want to just kick him out.

Besides about 3 years ago we had a rough patch and when I told him I wanted to move on (back then i found out about the weed)he refused to leave the house. He told me to leave and take the kids that wanted to go with me. At this point I am Sooo scared to lose my children if he for some reason gets caught high... I know that my kids come first but where does it leave him...

[Mr. Lucky]

Tough situation, sorry you're in it.

 

Since it sounds as though you're husband is still enlisted, is there a military chaplain or counselor you can speak to? They may be able to also point your husband towards help.

 

You may also find your local NarAnon chapter to be a resource. It's a non-judgmental group of folks that have faced similar challenges and can relate to what you're going through.

 

Also, is there a trusted friend or family member that your husband might listen to?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Popsicle]

How long has he been back from Afghanistan and do you work? Is he still active duty?

 

 

Neither if you, especially not you, will lose your kids if he's caught high on weed, btw.

[understand50]

My husband and I have been married for 11 years. We have 5 (17, 16, 16,

14 and 10) children.

He used to be the perfect husband until he returned from a 400 day deployment in Afghanistan.

He is now drinking 6 to 8 beers a day and smoking weed all day long not working other than on drill weekends. I love this man but he refuses to get help. The older kids have caught on to what is going on and I am at a loss. His lifestyle is completely unacceptable to me but I don't want to just kick him out.

Besides about 3 years ago we had a rough patch and when I told him I wanted to move on (back then i found out about the weed)he refused to leave the house. He told me to leave and take the kids that wanted to go with me. At this point I am Sooo scared to lose my children if he for some reason gets caught high... I know that my kids come first but where does it leave him...

 

Kc1978,

 

OK, long deployment, and now he has checked out of life. You need to get with his unit, or the VA and get him some help. This will also help you. Smoking the weed, can get him kicked out, but if he fess up there are programs to help.

 

Here is the take away. There are resources that can help you and your husband, go to his unit, or the VA and find out about them. This is not a unusual situation, and can be redressed. Take the first step, for both of you and your kids.

 

Wish you luck.....

[privategal]

Kc1978,

 

OK, long deployment, and now he has checked out of life. You need to get with his unit, or the VA and get him some help. This will also help you. Smoking the weed, can get him kicked out, but if he fess up there are programs to help.

 

Here is the take away. There are resources that can help you and your husband, go to his unit, or the VA and find out about them. This is not a unusual situation, and can be redressed. Take the first step, for both of you and your kids.

 

Wish you luck.....

 

I can understand your fear of weed and I dont want to say its ok or condone...just want you to understand its not a narcotic or hard drug, its a natural plant from the ground and produces peaceful high...not crazy, anger, irrational, but rather pain relief, anxiety relief and calming feelings.

You have to send the kids to a sitter, friend, relative and sit down with him alone and ask him his feelings toward the marriage first before you address the drinking and weed.

If he does indeed want to reinvest in being your teamate and husband than let him know it's too much for you to have the alcohol and srugs around the kids. Say this in a non accusatory and non judgemental way. Let him know you sense he has been through alot and is struggling.

Ask him if you can work together to get him back on track because you love him.

Im not sure if he is a full fledged alcoholic but please understand he won't put down these substances for good once you've made your points. He knows he is in a bad spot but can't see a way out.

When he was deployed he saw a daily purpose and direction.

Now he is home and doesn't know where to go. Some people become frozen and do nothing and the longer it goes on, the more they become over whelmed and hopeless.

The stress of 5 kids, bills, and an unhappy wife is adding to the pressure.

If he doesn't want to escape the marriage, then don't avoid a direct talk any longer.

You can do your research first as to what the options are but in the beginning here I'd handle him with kid gloves as you dont know the depth of his inner struggle and you can isolate him by making him feel like a head case.

I know you feel lonely and need your strong living hubby to participate in the family and contribute. Go easy, and as a partner and ally and see if you cant love him through it. Good luck. Prayers are with you.