6 years and a Divorce - pain.

[LossOfSignal]

Well... here goes.

 

Long time lurker here - Never signed up until now so I could post and maybe get some perspective.

 

Situation:

Last week I asked my wife for a divorce after 6 years. She was DEVASTATED, I have had a couple years of pushing this down over and over just thinking that it was how marriage/relationships should be. She said she didn't see it coming at all, although we've had our fair share of issues and always seemed to work through them in some way. We always seemed to get along but there is something missing - and it's deeper than just the "spark" - for me. Sex hasn't been an issue, we have/had a very low-conflict marriage generally speaking. No yelling, hitting etc. No drugs/bad habits/dependencies. Everything was easy.

 

We both have children from previous relationships. My son is 16, her son is 12.

She continually bad mouths my son's mother for working a lot and being an absent mother when she is not - this causes issue because I do not agree and I let her know (respectfully). My son's mother has never been an absent parent and works her ass off, she doesn't deserve to be called an absent mother.

 

My stepson's father has been an absent father throughout his son's 12 years on this planet, and the first 2 or 3 years his father was not around at all.

I don't bash or bicker about his involvement with his child because she seems to put him on a pedestal, that I honestly don't understand. But It's not something I need to argue or get in the trenches about.

 

 

My Reasons:

First and foremost - she treats my 16yr old like he is invisible and baby's her son to the point where my son rarely leaves the basement when she is home. My son is a good hearted kid, loves to have fun, doesn't cause problems and tells the truth when he screws up and owns it. He has tried to have a relationship with her but just feels like an "outcast". On the other hand, her son has been quite the challenge, we've gone to therapy twice and went to some love and logic seminars with no luck. My stepson is extremely manipulative and lies constantly to get out of trouble but manages to get in more trouble. I get it he's a kid, but he's been like this since he was 6 and it's taken it's toll on me, my son and even his mother. But she enables this behaviour and I can't be around that any more due to the fact that it is not fair to my son, or me.

 

I do not wish to raise someone else's child who refuses to listen and/or learn. This unequal footing in this blended family situation has been a ticking time bomb and It's not fair to my son, or myself.. hell anybody in the house to keep on moving forward. We have been to counselling about how to co-parent 3 times as well.

 

I love her but I am not IN love with her - I absolutely HATE that phrase. I read it and I feel like a total *******, but it's the truth. I don't want to hurt her but that's not realistic. This will hurt, this will land hard and there will be emotions flying all over the place. I have been trying for the last 2 years to engage over and over while pushing down the feeling that this will end in me leaving. I can't push that down any further. So I sat her down and had a talk with her and explained that The marriage can no longer work for me. A marriage has to be more than just a friendship, and we are just room-mates that are passing ships. Our sex life was normal, no issues there. We've had our ebb and flow in that area, but no issues were brought up about it. 2-3 a month sometimes, sometimes not depending on what was happening in life. We always seemed to have gotten along, we had fun for the most part but there has always been this separation when it came to our boys.

 

Also - we tried to have kids a couple years ago and that failed twice, the second time she almost died. Long story short, at 10 weeks we went in to the doc only to see an empty sac. So we had to set a weekend aside for her to speed the process to naturally pass that (sorry, graphic). So she put the tablet where it needed to go to start that process, and almost bled out on the toilet. I had to pick her up and carry her to the hallway, call 911 and it was just miserable. I saw her go white, she lost SO much blood and it left a very bad memory for both of us. We never blamed each other (obviously nobody is to blame here) but that took a lot out of us and left us with a lot of grief. But we moved on and tried to power through life as any couple would.

 

Fast forward a couple family vacations, Hawaii, Disneyland, Redwoods.. It just felt like we tolerated each other and the kids were so separate that it just wasn't fun. And I tried to put on the face and make it work, but as I think back - I was/am miserable in this situation. So when I think back to family vacations, or worst of all when my SON thinks back - he won't have the greatest of memories. That's not fair to him.

 

Well let's fast forward some more to Jan 2015 - I was laid off after 16 years at the same company and it felt like the carpet was ripped out from beneath me. I had a severance package coming and I knew everything would work out but it took it's toll on me. I was depressed, pissed off... but through that whole time I was left alone, ignored and I felt shunned. We didn't communicate at all - and that's on both of us. I should have handled that better, but I didn't and I own that.

 

And fast forward again 2 months - I got a job back at the company in a different group - super stoked about it and enjoy the **** out of the new position. I was making the same and the shift was good. So things were looking up. I worked my ass off (still do) and enjoy it very much. I didn't have to eat my severance package and my time was bridged, so I basically got a 2 month vacation (which was hell).

 

Well let's just fast forward again 2 months. April 2015 - My father died unexpectedly.

This destroyed me on absolutely EVERY level. Without writing an epic - let's just say we were close when we were close and distant when we were distant. I hadn't talked to him since Xmas day 2014. This weighed heavy on me but I didn't think he'd DIE. But his ticker stopped and here we are. I still struggle with this EVERY day and I fight that uphill battle willingly because I miss him and it helps me keep perspective. I'd rather feel something than nothing. I use that emotion to move forward and focus. But sometimes, it kicks my ass and I go inside myself and shut everyone out. But I come back out and resume because I have responsibilities and people around me that I need to keep on track. But I couldn't talk to my wife about this. She just would tell me to go see a counsellor. Which felt like she was pawning me off. And it was EVERY time i'd have a bad day or even talk to her about it. I understand that counselling is beneficial, especially with grief. But I just wanted my wife to listen to me and be there for me, and she wasn't. Not in the capacity that I needed. I communicated that to her, she got defensive every time that came up and after the 6,7 or 8.. hell maybe more.. times that conversation came up I just stopped talking to her about it because she didn't know how to handle it, nor did she want to learn how to handle it to help me through.

 

Don't get me wrong here - i'm not saying everything is her fault. I'm just pointing out my side of things from my perspective which I know is one sided.

 

She's a GREAT person, she lights up a room. But she just doesn't light up my room anymore. And as sad as that makes me, I know in my heart that I need to leave and that I need to let her go.

 

I guess this makes me a "walk-away spouse"? I'm not sure on a lot of the acronyms and buzz words for this kind of thing. But it feels really negative from what i've seen associated with that tag. So I like to think i'm leaving for the benefit of my son, myself and overall quality of life for everybody involved.

 

But this doesn't make me feel good, but i know it's the right decision.

 

She will text me things that say:

"I hope you think long and hard before doing this to another woman because this is majorly messed up and unfair."

 

And I know it's out of hurt and anger, I'll take the hits because she deserves to lash out and let me know she's hurting. But I feel so god damn SAD about it, yet I know this is the right choice for me. We have a house, 3 dogs and have already discussed that we will be fair and split things 50/50 after selling the house.

We've tried counselling before, we've tried to ignore things, we've tried to talk about things but everything falls flat and at this point - I am done.

I'm not staying, I have no delusions about my path. I just wish i didn't hurt her so bad, but that's the nature of the situation.

 

So that being said - thank you for reading this and any perspective is much appreciated.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I'm sorry to hear this. It certainly sounds like you gave it your best shot, if you've been feeling for the past two years like things weren't right and trying to swallow the gut feeling that you want to leave, you've been through so much therapy and counselling, it's not like you've woken up one morning a bit bored and decided to just leave.

 

You said yourself, that you love her but aren't in love with her and that says it all really. I commend you on trying to fix it and make it right but unfortunately you can only flog a dead horse for so long. There is NO way to leave or divorce someone who doesn't want to be left or divorced without breaking their heart and it being enormously tough on that person, but it can be also be difficult on the leaver through feelings of guilt, not wanting to hurt someone you love even though you know it's the right thing overall. I encourage you to keep up with individual counselling if you can, to help you weather the storm ahead.

 

I don't know that there's much more anyone can really say. You've made your decision and you're acting on it, much better than staying in a miserable marriage with unhappy kids for years and years on end. I couldn't help but feel that your post was almost seeking permission from others to leave, you gave so many justifications and reasons, when we're just a bunch of strangers who you don't owe any justification or reasoning to. The only thing I'd advise caution on, is to make absolutely sure that this is a considered decision that you really want and it's not the grief talking. Being bereaved can do real crazy things to our brains, I've known plenty of people take rash decisions, make foolish decisions, end otherwise happy relationships when they're bereaved because their emotions are up in the air and they just aren't themselves anymore. But if you're confident this is what you want, based on two years of wishing you could leave and hasn't just been tipped over by losing your Father, then go for it. Seems to me you're not especially conflicted which is a good thing in this situation. Easier for you and her if you can make the decision and move on decisively with no back and forth. Best of luck.

[minimariah]

big respect to you for walking away when you're not happy anymore and for defending your child's mother - i like that you seem to respect both your child's mother and your wife.

 

that being said - you gave it your all and it didn't work out. time to walk. in the beginning, it will be hard and you will have problems and doubts BUT -- KEEP GOING. no matter what. the first step is always the hardest to do, once you're out - you will at least feel more at peace.

 

good luck!

[dichotomy]

Blending kids is extremely difficult - I know. in your case it appears there was not much of an attempt by your wife to blend or work with you to blend.

 

I am sorry of the loss of your dad - I get your pain completely. Happened to me this way as well.

 

The lack of support from your wife (go see a counselor) was hard - but I kind of get this as well.

 

It sounds like you are handling this the best you can. Best wishes for you and your son.

[ProdigalMe]

LossofSignal

 

My heart goes out to you man. Your agony just jumps off the screen. Sorry you are going through this. I'm sure it feels lonely, and sad, and desperate right now. Just know that we're listening to you.

 

Because you invited any perspective, let me be the contrarian here, if you don't mind. I want to touch on something acrosstheuniverse mentioned. Your dad died very recently. Grieve on that. It may take up to 24 months, maybe longer, to process it (I've been there). But, try to separate your grief over your dad from the grief over your marriage, even if it's difficult to do so because your wife, for whatever reason, cannot emotionally support you through it. Take some time to let one grief process itself out, before you deal with the second grief (in other words, see if you can stay married until you're done grieving over you dad; grief counseling can probably help).

 

Then consider this: blending families is such a pain sometimes. But, your son is almost 18. He might fly the coop in two years just to get away from your wife. That might actually ease some tension in the household because your son will definitely feel better, and so will you because your wife will stop ignoring him (you can't ignore someone who isn't there anymore). And, you and your son can go create good memories on your own, just the two of you.

 

Next, there are some good things in your life right now that are actually good for your marriage too. Like your stable job, your sex life, family vacations. And, you and your wife's had the ability to recover (somewhat) from the loss of a baby.

 

Also, consider this: there are studies that show that people who stay in self-reported unhappy marriages report being happily married 5 years later (the reasons given vary, but include changed circumstances, and outliving the source of the conflict). The common element for the transformation appears to be that both partners are committed to the union...not committed to improving the marriage or becoming better partners, necessarily, just committed to the union.

 

Next consider this: sometimes it takes a lot to finally get a person's attention. In this case, you have finally gotten your wife's attention. She is devastated. Maybe now she will seriously re-assess her life and how she's been as a partner, and make meaningful changes.

 

What I'm asking you to do is a tall order. It's difficult to forgive, and be passionate about, a person who is unsupportive emotionally, who unfairly criticizes your ex-wife, who ignores your son, and coddles her 12 year-old who (it sounds like) disrespects you. But the payoff might be worth it, even if the payoff doesn't seem obvious right now.

 

I will say this, there's some kernels of hope in your marriage still. She's a great person. She lights up a room. You guys are friends. At least there's a foundation to build upon. There's a foundation upon which to turn things around, to go from being roommates, back to being husband and wife.

 

Then again, you know your situation better than I do. I'm just trying to explore something other than leaving because I know you're having a hard time with the issue. Whichever path you choose is not wrong. Peace to you.

[hl1962]

Based on that text she sent him, I see someone who points fingers at others instead of examining herself, in addition to poor communication between them (she didn't seem to hear him to rectify the situations). She might be a GREAT person, but isn't that nice imho "a person who is unsupportive emotionally, who unfairly criticizes your ex-wife, who ignores your son, and coddles her 12 year-old who (it sounds like) disrespects you", esp. towards the ex and a child. Throughout all this, she didn't see the divorce coming, while he has been detaching. It's really hard to deal with someone who feels superior to the spouse. I'd say to at least give MC a try, so she might realize how she contributed to the fallout and change. Good luck!

[Mr. Lucky]

I love her but I am not IN love with her - I absolutely HATE that phrase. I read it and I feel like a total *******, but it's the truth. I don't want to hurt her but that's not realistic. This will hurt, this will land hard and there will be emotions flying all over the place. I have been trying for the last 2 years to engage over and over while pushing down the feeling that this will end in me leaving. I can't push that down any further.

 

No opinion whether you should stay or go, especially since your mind is already made up.

 

But I will note you're at a point encountered by most everyone in a LTR. The limerence ends, real life intrudes, challenges present themselves.

 

It's at this point love changes from a noun to a verb, stops being a feeling and starts being a choice you make every day in ways large and small.

 

Assuming you were married to the mother of your son, you've now hit this wall in two marriages. If you're with your next partner long enough, how will things be different?

 

Mr. Lucky

[acrosstheuniverse]

Based on that text she sent him, I see someone who points fingers at others instead of examining herself, in addition to poor communication between them (she didn't seem to hear him to rectify the situations).

 

I wouldn't read too much into that text:

 

She will text me things that say:

"I hope you think long and hard before doing this to another woman because this is majorly messed up and unfair."

 

Whatever our opinion of her based on a very brief and one sided description of the situation, she's just been told her husband is planning to leave her. If that's the worst of what she's said I'd say she's been pretty measured! People say all kinds of things when they've just had their heart broken or had a nasty shock.