Are men afraid to be honest about their past?

[Hopeful30]

I've been lied to about the smallest things. "That's a nice shirt! Where did u get it?" In response I get vague answers, "Erhm, I don't remember..."

 

Dude just say your ex got the shirt for you, who cares? Past is the past, why be ashamed?

 

I've never lied about my past, so I don't understand why men feel they need to. I enjoy talking with a man about past dating experiences and relationships. It's part of how you get to know someone, so why do some men feel they need to hide this part of their lives?

 

Are they ashamed? Do they think it's appropriate to talk about these things? Im very open, could this be the problem? Am I expecting too much openness and honesty of others? All of my exes got straight answers when they asked about previous boyfriends or relationships (without harming the privacy of said person of course).

 

Do men feel their romantic experiences must always be private or hidden?

[Haydn]

My ex stole all my shirts in a `Daytime raid` I forgot she still had a key...

 

But in my opinion it depends. I mean do people want others banging on a bout their exes?

 

I don`t think people lie, more are sometimes not sure about the reaction..

 

My ex wanted me to tell her everything (Big mistake) She spent the next few years saying things like...

 

`But you took `Chelsea` to Cairo` `Why are we going to Wales...?`

 

`I can see why you were well suited to `Tabitha`

 

`Bobbie Sue still likes you` (Sent my daughter a Birthday card)

 

`Swetlana` had no style`

 

Mind you this girl was clearly bonkers...

[Gaeta]

I don't understand the need to want the truth for every little thing. Some things are private and personal and not meant to be shared.

 

If I put on my diamond earrings and new boyfriend tells me they're nice I will simply say 'thank you'. WHY would I tell him they're from my ex? What purpose would that serve? What message would that send a new man?

 

It's simply unnecessary information that serves no purpose but to create awkward moment for the new man in your life. To me being discreet about these items is simply being considerate.

[wb1988]

I think it's so terrible that us guys are expected to divulge our past but if we ask girls then suddenly it's none of our business, or past stays in the past.

 

When I read your example first thing I thought was maybe it was a touchy subject, like he still is upset over the girl or something so would rather not bring up the ex in any way.

 

Also every single time an ex used information against me it's always information that I myself had told her. As someone else said, it's because we know that you'll eventually use it against us.

[MoreAmore]

 

Do men feel their romantic experiences must always be private or hidden?

 

I'm with you. Why not be honest? It's part of your life. I'm in favor of sharing everything with someone.

Honesty toward and back.

 

Who gets bothered by a piece of your past anyways?

[Wewon]

I remember an old Seinfeld episode where he was dating a woman that accused him of not expressing his feelings. Throughout the episode she was constantly tweeking and poking him to get a reaction. Finally he was expressing anger and frustration that she wasn't expecting, freak out and dumped him.

 

A lot of time women seem to want something out of a man until they see it, then they wish they had left it alone, mostly because it didn't get delivered in a way that she was comfortable with.

 

My point is, before you start rummaging around in a guy's past be sure that you aren't asking for things that you simply don't want an answer to. Nothing will clam you boyfriend up more than giving you, what he thinks, is a straight answer only to have it become a major distraction in the relationship.

[mrldii]

While I realize this isn't all men (as suggested in the OP), I have found that the men I've known are reluctant to talk about exes early on in our relationship. I've assumed it has to do with the *fact* that some men believe that all women are insanely jealous and are just one "Jenny Lynn" reference away from becoming bunny boilers, and they make sure to share the word with the other otherwise sane man, as much as possible.

 

While most of the men I've been with remain reluctant to share every little detail, once they figure out I'M not going to freak out over it, they share information about their exes...what worked, what didn't, what made 'her' special, trips they went on, and which of his possessions were gifts from her.

 

None of them have ever offered up details of their previous sex life with their exes; regardless of how open and candid one is, this should be a recognizable boundary...and one that is respected.

[GorillaTheater]

I've been lied to about the smallest things. "That's a nice shirt! Where did u get it?" In response I get vague answers, "Erhm, I don't remember..."

 

 

I don't know how much of your post is premised on the thought that this specific guy is lying in this specific instance, but I guarantee that I have absolutely no idea where at least half of my clothing comes from, and I mostly shop for my own clothing.

[Diezel]

I've been lied to about the smallest things. "That's a nice shirt! Where did u get it?" In response I get vague answers, "Erhm, I don't remember..."

 

Do you honestly think I'd remember where I got all of my shirts? I'm a man, I see a shirt I like, I buy it. End of story.

 

Dude just say your ex got the shirt for you, who cares? Past is the past, why be ashamed?

 

Maybe my mom got me that shirt and I don't want you to think she dresses me up.

 

I've never lied about my past, so I don't understand why men feel they need to. I enjoy talking with a man about past dating experiences and relationships. It's part of how you get to know someone, so why do some men feel they need to hide this part of their lives?

 

Why do you feel the need to interrogate people? Why do you have to ask people about their past relationships? That's just nosy and cumbersome. I'd definitely not continue to see you if you kept asking me about past girlfriends.

 

Are they ashamed?

 

Some are, some aren't. Some just don't want to be asked about those things. Not everyone operates as you do.

 

Do they think it's appropriate to talk about these things? Im very open, could this be the problem? Am I expecting too much openness and honesty of others? All of my exes got straight answers when they asked about previous boyfriends or relationships (without harming the privacy of said person of course).

 

I never understand this mentality from people of "If I do, then I expect them to do it as well." The world doesn't work like this. Just because YOU operate in a certain way, it's completely unfair to expect everyone to fall in line. It's actually almost passive aggressive... "I'll openly share information but I expect the same and if I don't, then that person is being unfair."

 

You are setting people up for failure no matter what. Damned if they do, damned if they don't.

 

Do men feel their romantic experiences must always be private or hidden?

 

Don't generalize. Some will be open about it, but not under the guise of you being open when all you want is the goods on their past. I am open about it with my girlfriend but if she were grilling me about my past, I'd definitely clam up about it. No one wants to be interrogated about their past, so why are you doing it? Let them open up about it, and stop using the reasoning that you are honest, so you don't understand why they can't be... it's flawed thinking.

[dobielover]

Maybe he doesn't want you thinking he's wearing the shirt his ex gave him because it holds sentimental value, but rather just because he likes the shirt? Or maybe he sincerely doesn't remember, or care? Clearly you do place value on a guy's past, otherwise you wouldn't care that much to know about it.

[Hopeful30]

I don't understand the need to want the truth for every little thing. Some things are private and personal and not meant to be shared.

 

I don't know about you, but when I'm in a romantic relationship, I open myself fully. I share everything. That's the beauty of it. What's the point of sharing your life with someone if you aren't really?

 

I think it's so terrible that us guys are expected to divulge our past but if we ask girls then suddenly it's none of our business, or past stays in the past.

 

You misunderstood. It's not about prying for details, it's about not avoiding the truth when past romantic details happens to come into the conversation.

 

Next time I won't even use examples. Most don't understand the principle behind them.

 

 

My point is, before you start rummaging around in a guy's past be sure that you aren't asking for things that you simply don't want an answer to. Nothing will clam you boyfriend up more than giving you, what he thinks, is a straight answer only to have it become a major distraction in the relationship.

 

I suppose my original posts are never clear, because most get the wrong idea. I'm pointing out that little details pertaining to past romances don't need to be lied about, and yet I'm baffled as to why men do lie about them. That's my question.

[Gaeta]

I don't know about you, but when I'm in a romantic relationship, I open myself fully. I share everything. That's the beauty of it. What's the point of sharing your life with someone if you aren't really?

Maybe it's an age thing. At 50 I don't care about every little details of my boyfriend's past. I care about his present and how he is devoted to me and our relationship.

 

 

I suppose my original posts are never clear, because most get the wrong idea. I'm pointing out that little details pertaining to past romances don't need to be lied about, and yet I'm baffled as to why men do lie about them. That's my question.

 

To you they are little details but how to do you know to him it's just little detail?

 

If you come in my home and ask about the Portuguese artifact in my entrance way to you it's a little detail, to me it's my dead-ex-husband first gift to me when I was 17. I am not going to explain this to you, I will simply say 'thank you it is a nice piece'.

[Hopeful30]

Maybe it's an age thing. At 50 I don't care about every little details of my boyfriend's past. I care about his present and how he is devoted to me and our relationship.

 

 

 

 

To you they are little details but how to do you know to him it's just little detail?

 

If you come in my home and ask about the Portuguese artifact in my entrance way to you it's a little detail, to me it's my dead-ex-husband first gift to me when I was 17. I am not going to explain this to you, I will simply say 'thank you it is a nice piece'.

 

But how can someone devote themself entirely to you if what makes them who they are remains hidden from you?

 

Maybe it's just me. When I give myself to someone, I give myself entirely. Otherwise, I see no point in "partially" being with someone. That's not a relationship. At least not by my definition.

[Gaeta]

But how can someone devote themself entirely to you if what makes them who they are remains hidden from you?

 

Maybe it's just me. When I give myself to someone, I give myself entirely. Otherwise, I see no point in "partially" being with someone. That's not a relationship. At least not by my definition.

 

We're still talking about small details here right?

 

Of course I want to know about his life, was he married, how long, I want to know about his children and his relationship with them, I want to know about his relationship with his parents and siblings, does he love his work, does he have friends etc. But we're not talking about this. You're talking about small details. Do you really need to know when is the last time he went to the dentist? Or where he buys his socks? or where he got his pink shirt? or how many times he uses the bathroom?

[Imajerk17]

Well Hopeful30 good for you for being a fully open book. I actually am NOT a fully open book--at least not anywhere near the beginning, and I think a lot of other people are not either. And I don't apologize for that.

 

1. Learning fully about someone should take a lifetime. Secrets and stories divulged over time not all at once for the asking.

 

2. I like to avoid unnecessary drama. YOU may love to hash things out anytime/anywhere but many men do not.

 

RE your example about the shirt (you say the specific questions are relevant but I disagree), if my girlfriend were me where I got the shirt that I'm wearing that my ex got me*, I understand women well enough to know that if I were to say "my ex got it for me", my girlfriend would be asking (or at least thinking to herself) "Well why aren't you wearing the shirt *I* got you? Do you like the shirt your ex got you better than the shirt I got you? Isn't it disrespectful to wear something your ex got you when you're with me?" Basically I'd be drawn into a discussion I'd rather not be having.

 

It's a shirt! The reality likely is that I put it on because it's the first thing I grabbed from my drawer. BUT I don't feel like explaining all this or talking about my ex or my feelings for you vs her so I'll just say "My mom got it for me" or whatever. Makes my life easier.

 

 

*Assuming I even remember my ex got it for me.

[Diezel]

But how can someone devote themself entirely to you if what makes them who they are remains hidden from you?

 

Maybe it's just me. When I give myself to someone, I give myself entirely. Otherwise, I see no point in "partially" being with someone. That's not a relationship. At least not by my definition.

 

I hope you understand this:

 

You are NEVER going to learn 100% about another person, no matter how open YOU claim you are.

 

I have a feeling that you're openness comes with strings attached, and you don't seem to see that. You want someone to be just as open with you as you will be with them. Problem is, not everyone thinks your way and maybe your future whatever, might not even care to know 100% about you either.

 

Again, the way you view a relationship isn't the ONLY way to view relationships.

[Hopeful30]

I hope you understand this:

 

You are NEVER going to learn 100% about another person, no matter how open YOU claim you are.

 

I have a feeling that you're openness comes with strings attached, and you don't seem to see that. You want someone to be just as open with you as you will be with them. Problem is, not everyone thinks your way and maybe your future whatever, might not even care to know 100% about you either.

 

Again, the way you view a relationship isn't the ONLY way to view relationships.

 

I suppose that makes romantic relations that much more complicated. It could be why many are single despite not having any overriding issues or delusions about the romantic world itself. It's hard enough just to find someone with a similar mentality when it comes to certain things.

Edited December 16, 2015 by Hopeful30

[Gaeta]

I suppose that makes romantic relations that much more complicated. It could be why many are single despite not having any overriding issues or delusions about the romantic world itself.

 

Have you ever been in a long term relationship?

 

I can tell you by experience it's a good thing to take your time in getting to know someone and to not force getting every little details out of them because it kills romanticism. It's a good thing for your mate to remain a person 'to discover' that still has world to himself.

 

Talk to couples that have been together for 10 + years. When you know every little details on your mate he becomes less exciting. He feels more like a sibling than a lover.

[Hopeful30]

Another poster answered my question. I'm an open book, but apparently that's not the norm, and so it's something I must accept as not being too common among people. I think that's what it is.

[StBreton]

I'm with Gaeta, Diezel, mrldii, jerk etc on this one Hopeful.

 

What do you hope to gain with all this detailed intimate knowledge? Why not just enjoy the person you are with, getting to know them through every day occurances, their passions/activities, your dates with the person, through their family/friends and through their dreams/goals and pursuit thereof? ... along with getting general knowledge of their past ...to see if there is continuity in their life ... so you get a sense the person makes good decisions, has sound reasoning and is a good person.

 

That's all I need and that's all I've ever needed. I don't want details ... How a person reacted with a specific person has some bearing on how they'll act with me, sure...but they will be diffeent with me and I have no inclination to taint that. Some don't wish to live in their past/view their life with a rear view mirror. Would you want to badger someone for past occurances/experiences until YOU are satisfied? Some would like to move on and forward. Also ... isn't dating about making memories together? I don't want my new memories with someone to be about them asking me about every detail in my past ... I'd find it obsessive.

 

Somehow I think there's a happy medium in there Hopeful ... Between knowing every detail and knowing very little. Maybe something to think about going forward as most guys don't like rehashing ...and it seems the consensus here at least is to get the basics and a little detail then go live your life with the person.

[Versacehottie]

I'm also assuming guys clam up about the origins of an insignificant shirt because telling you it came from an ex-gf is unnecessary and being that kind of "open-book" will actually backfire and haunt them the entirety of their relationship with you. Most guys have been burned like this: girls say they want to know and then can't let it go in a variety of ways. Definitely with the guys (and girls) who don't think it's necessary to be an open-book like this. It serves no healthy and productive purpose.

[carhill]

IMO, it's not fear so much as knowing what works for them. Guys generally do/act/say what works, meaning what steps are needed to achieve their goal and have proven to achieve that goal consistently throughout life. As an example, in the honesty area, a guy who has been open and, as suggested by a few members, had that used against him in relationship interactions, learns different methods of interaction which are more successful for him.

 

Since men are all different, so will their perceptions be of what works, what they consider to be honesty, and how they go about presenting the milieu to the world.