Family, guilt and the holidays

[avintagegirl]

This holiday season is different that the last seven. A cousin who used to live in the area and has moved back is expecting my mom and I to come up there so we can all be together as a family.

 

This burns on so many levels. First is that my mom and I have have always been there for family. Be it emotional, mental or financial support we have tried to help out. My mom and aunt bought a time share. My mom paid it off so they would be paying less interest. There are times when her sister (who is supposed to pay half of each payment) doesn't make a payment at all. We have a week for the time share each year since 2008. I have been able to go twice. The last time I went this cousin says to me how next year they want to vacation elsewhere they are sick of coming here. Yeah, I would be real sick of having a free place to go for vacation every year too.

 

Two years ago at Thanksgiving my aunt was in town and we were supposed to go up for dinner. We called about 11:45 (at the latest) to find out what time we were eating. Turns "they were already eating and would be finished soon. But they were going to be there for another hour or so before they went to Terri's house to have wine on her deck". My mother and I have never met Terry. It is a 30+ minute drive there, so yeah, we didn't go. Traditionally we have never eaten before 3.

 

Plans change like that all the time with this group. My mom never says anything. She doesn't want to rock the boat. I, however, am sick of planning to go and be somewhere when then "plans change" and all the sudden it is where I (or my mom) cannot attend.

 

This last October, my mom took my brother to the store to shop for new stuff for his apartment. (He is living independently after being in a nursing home for 5 years.) My mom and aunt went to the store so my brother could pick things out. Everyone took separate cars. My mom had to leave to take my grandma home from her doctors appointment. She told my brother she would be right back. Everyone knew she was leaving. My brother wheeled his wheelchair around the corner and when he went back - no aunt. He spends the next 45 minutes wheeling himself around the store only to find out she left without ever saying goodbye. WTF? Who leaves their handicap nephew alone in a store, totally vulnerable?

 

My mom says nothing to her sister. She said nothing to anyone when no one came to my graduation. I have said nothing out of respect for my mom. After the last incident though I was finished. Eff em all.

 

So cousin movies home from Texas and invites us to Thanksgiving. We went up for dessert, only to be chastised by my aunt at how much food was left and there wouldn't be that if everyone had shown up. First, we never planned to be there. The plan was to always be with my brother. Second what was left was ham and dessert. I don't eat pork or gluten, soooooo that would have been left anyway. Twice we were chastised about this. It made for a lovely atmosphere. My cousin also gave me grief about not seeing her and she has been home for two months. It was a month and five days. I work full time and have a graduate school masters course I am doing. She came home at midterms. I let it roll. (The Saturday after thanksgiving they were all in my town and went out to dinner - we found out after they went back home).

 

 

Here is what I am having a hard time dealing with. Last night this cousin came down and kidnapped mom and went to dinner with some of my family. They came over before I got home from work - its fine, I don't care about that. My cousin wants to have an ugly sweater party and my mom is excited about going. For obvious reasons I don't want to go. I don't own ugly clothes and I am certainly not buying a piece of clothing that is one wear, one use. I am trying to minimize my stuff.

 

I explain this to my mother and she says "why do you have to be a stick in the mud about everything?" What? I said hey look you felt the same way I did. She did. Until my cousin came to get her for dinner. Now she is feeling all the love.

 

I can't there is just too much and so much more that I didn't post here. If you have read all the way through this, I sincerely thank you. I have a feeling that at some point I will tell the family how I really feel and it won't be pretty. I have, out of respect for mom, kept my mouth shut. But, in the end it only disrespects us.

 

If you have been through a time like this, how did you handle it?

 

Personally I would like to let them eat the dust of my tracks, but that isn't an option as I still live at home.

[Methodical]

As long as a person allows others to walk/trample on them with no repercussion, there will never be a change in their behavior. When you refuse to no longer be their doormat (and you are at that point now), it won't be pretty bc my take away from your post is that your aunt/cousin feels a sense of entitlement and/or a step above.

 

Strip that power from them and you will be "unjustly vilified." Be prepared for the fallout that is sure to follow. They will probably choose to avoid/ignore you, and from the tone of your post, that's fine. At least they won't walk on you anymore.

 

I have a cousin that began acting more entitled than everyone, outspokenly opinionated, etc. I nixed all contact. I didn't/don't need those kind of ppl in my life. Finally, a few more ppl in the family revolted and nixed contact too.

 

The turning point was when she came to my house wanting a favor (not monetary), and immediately began questioning irrelevant things like: how much did that tv cost? How much was your furniture? Etc. (I didn't entertain her questions.) Then she had the audacity to ask me how another member of my family made a particular purchase. My response..."I wasn't told and I don't ask such questions. If s/he wanted me to know, they would have volunteered that information. I tend to mind my business and not meddle in other ppl's financial affairs." (Mind you, nobody in our family, including her, are peasants.)

 

You would have thought I slapped the sh*t out of her. But, that changed her attitude and nosiness. After a few months she came back down to planet earth and now hanging out with her is once again enjoyable.

[VeveCakes]

My family is a hundred times worse than this. I just stopped going to family events- and hey, I'm much happier and stress free

[d0nnivain]

If your mom is happy to go, let her.

 

You can make your own "ugly sweater". Take an older sweater & literally pin some Christmas ornaments & tinsel to it. Viola you "win" because your sweater is 3 dimensional.

 

If you want to skip all of it, stay home & do something you enjoy.

[mrldii]

If your mom is happy to go, let her.

 

You can make your own "ugly sweater". Take an older sweater & literally pin some Christmas ornaments & tinsel to it. Viola you "win" because your sweater is 3 dimensional.

 

If you want to skip all of it, stay home & do something you enjoy.

 

This ^^^

 

 

Or, instead of making it sooo 3-D that it pokes someone's eye out, take a regular ol' sweater and pin a picture of their family to it.

 

~Voila~ "Ugly Sweater".

 

 

 

Yeah...I lean a tad more on the "aggressive" when speaking to others in the passive-aggressive language they'll understand.

[d0nnivain]

brilliant mrldii but I would "frame" the picture in tinsel because it is supposed to be an ugly Christmas sweater. lol

[mrldii]

brilliant mrldii but I would "frame" the picture in tinsel because it is supposed to be an ugly Christmas sweater. lol

 

Absolutely.

 

 

OP, go ahead and hang a couple of balls from it, too, as d0nnivan had suggested...

 

 

...that way, it'll appear someone in their family has some.