For those who have cheated, a question

[Brandyundercover45]

Not every person is the same. I'm sorry your wife felt the need to cheat regardless of you thinking her needs were being met. Mine are not. And I've made that abundantly clear to my H. He says "I'll do better" and he does... for a day.

 

I used to tell my xWW all the time how much I loved her and how beautiful she was. And she was, or, well she used to be. She was a pure California girl, simply gorgeous. Not anymore.

 

But during our divorce, after I found out abut her multiple affairs and the one ongoing one she was having, she told me, to my face, that one of the reasons she was cheating on me was because I never told her how pretty she was and that's I ignored her. That was a lie. A goddamned lie.

 

Looking back, I think she had her head so far up her own butt that nothing I could have said to her would have made a difference. Compound that with the fact that she was becoming a drug addict. I never stood a chance.

[Brandyundercover45]

I'm sorry I didn't realize this page was mostly people who've been cheated on... And never got over it. I've been cheated on in the past, guess what, I bloody got over it. Life sucks, people let us down, they hurt us, despite being loyal. If you let it get you down and KEEP you down, down is where you'll stay and that will be YOUR fault. So my advice to you people is to get over it. And yes if my husband finds out and leaves me, it'll hurt. And no I'm not leaving him because that also will hurt. I'll work it out my way.

 

it 'works' for your husband? He said so or you decided for him? Whatever. Like you said: It works. Until it doesn't.

 

Just read a few threads of what happens to BHs like yours when they find out they've been two-timed. Not pretty. Lots of misogynistic support verbiage springs up around them at times. imho there's no one as ferocious as an emasculated husband waking up to his wife's cuckolding. Just as painful to watch is when they crumple and shut down, defeated. BH discovery is a special kind of horror. Especially when told it was for the good of the marriage. Good luck.

[Cephalopod]

Brandy why don't you tell him? What are you afraid of? It sounds to me like the marriage ended long ago.

[katielee]

And yes if my husband finds out and leaves me, it'll hurt. And no I'm not leaving him because that also will hurt. I'll work it out my way.

 

this is all about you and your needs not being met and your hurt. What about his?

Most importantly, what about your own values? Do you not value honesty and authenticity? How are your NEEDS more important than that?

[burnt]

Oh this is (painfully) hilarious.

Just realized reading your post that I don't have the slightest clue about that 'hot and heavy sex' actually feels like--I mean I have seen it in TV, but never actually experienced it.

 

My experience with my xMM was of the other type--the floating in outer space being lost in the bliss kind.

 

Nothing hilarious. Just that people differ on how they view what is great sex.

 

Road, bad joke on my part. My comment was a poor case of silly sarcasm directed at myself, not the OP or anyone else.

[Brandyundercover45]

I made a home, raised five children and a husband. Ive taken care of everything and everyone my entire life. I don't have a selfish bone

In my body. Everything I do is for my family. Even cheating! If I left my husband it wouldn't just be me hurting him...the entire family will hurt. Grandkids lives will be disrupted without their Pop-pop. My sons would kill me if I left their father. You people are clueless. Marriage is more than just love! Its commitment and giving of yourself. And maintaing the status quo is how I choose to do that. If my husband cheated on me I wouldn't leave him either. It would depend on why he cheated. But I would do what's necessary to keep our family together. That's what I'm doing now. Whether you believe that or not. I love my husband, with all my heart. I don't want to cheat, but I'd have gone crazy if I hadn't.

 

this is all about you and your needs not being met and your hurt. What about his?

Most importantly, what about your own values? Do you not value honesty and authenticity? How are your NEEDS more important than that?

Edited December 18, 2015 by Brandyundercover45

[William]

Folks, as this topic appears to trend more to an interviewer collecting survey data than an interpersonal relationship discussion thread, I moved it from Infidelity to GRD and members who have cheated are welcomed to add datapoints as they see fit. Outside of that context, other discussion will be considered off-topic past this directive and subject to sanction.

[burnt]

I used to tell my xWW all the time how much I loved her and how beautiful she was. And she was, or, well she used to be. She was a pure California girl, simply gorgeous. Not anymore.

 

But during our divorce, after I found out abut her multiple affairs and the one ongoing one she was having, she told me, to my face, that one of the reasons she was cheating on me was because I never told her how pretty she was and that's I ignored her. That was a lie. A goddamned lie.

 

Looking back, I think she had her head so far up her own butt that nothing I could have said to her would have made a difference. Compound that with the fact that she was becoming a drug addict. I never stood a chance.

 

Cephalopod,

I'm sorry for what you had to go through in your former marriage.

I do try my best to be as nonjudgmental about EVERYONE in life as I can be--because I do believe the only person who we should really judge is ourselves and that's the only person whose behavior and actions we can change.

 

With that said, I must say that based on what you wrote about your wife, having multiple affairs and drug addictions, makes me think she had some very serious personal issues. As gingerly and gently as I may phrase it, do you think that perhaps your general opinion towards WS is overly colored by your former wife's behavior? That would be only natural.

 

If you read the accounts of people here, be it from OW/OM/WW/WH, you may agree that while there are so many parallels, the stories are not always so black and white.

 

Speaking for myself, being the OW, while married myself, I do not claim that my actions were anything but wrong, but I promise you, if you were to know the details, I wonder to what extent you would be able to judge me.

 

It's very easy to look at someone's actions from a distance and impose righteous views, without being in their shoes, not knowing the circumstances and life struggles they had to face.

 

There are many cases, where the people cheating are actually the most moral, ethical, and decent people in their lives--then one day find themselves doing things that they cannot understand or justify themselves. It is those people who didn't see it coming pay the harshest of price. It is those people who write posts helplessly asking for help, trapped between paralyzing strong emotions and rational thoughts. It's like jumping into a quick-sand and then kicking helplessly to want to get out, but not finding a way out.

 

But I can tell you one thing for sure: for many of these horrible people, the corrupted human beings, the cheaters the liars--when they are done, they are left with irreparable scars and wounds in themselves too, but they also develop a genuine level of empathy for others in pain and an ability to see the world through a much more nonjudgmental lens.

 

Many of the usual posters in LS are former OW/OM/WW/WH who advise others with good and kind intentions because they know what the road ahead looks like and what it feels like to be in that 'affair fog'.

 

Surely no one should condone the wrong-doings, but we don't have to judge the wrong-doers either.

Try to understand with compassion.

[Cephalopod]

Cephalopod,

I'm sorry for what you had to go through in your former marriage.

I do try my best to be as nonjudgmental about EVERYONE in life as I can be--because I do believe the only person who we should really judge is ourselves and that's the only person whose behavior and actions we can change.

 

With that said, I must say that based on what you wrote about your wife, having multiple affairs and drug addictions, makes me think she had some very serious personal issues. As gingerly and gently as I may phrase it, do you think that perhaps your general opinion towards WS is overly colored by your former wife's behavior? That would be only natural.

 

If you read the accounts of people here, be it from OW/OM/WW/WH, you may agree that while there are so many parallels, the stories are not always so black and white.

 

Speaking for myself, being the OW, while married myself, I do not claim that my actions were anything but wrong, but I promise you, if you were to know the details, I wonder to what extent you would be able to judge me.

 

It's very easy to look at someone's actions from a distance and impose righteous views, without being in their shoes, not knowing the circumstances and life struggles they had to face.

 

There are many cases, where the people cheating are actually the most moral, ethical, and decent people in their lives--then one day find themselves doing things that they cannot understand or justify themselves. It is those people who didn't see it coming pay the harshest of price. It is those people who write posts helplessly asking for help, trapped between paralyzing strong emotions and rational thoughts. It's like jumping into a quick-sand and then kicking helplessly to want to get out, but not finding a way out.

 

But I can tell you one thing for sure: for many of these horrible people, the corrupted human beings, the cheaters the liars--when they are done, they are left with irreparable scars and wounds in themselves too, but they also develop a genuine level of empathy for others in pain and an ability to see the world through a much more nonjudgmental lens.

 

Many of the usual posters in LS are former OW/OM/WW/WH who advise others with good and kind intentions because they know what the road ahead looks like and what it feels like to be in that 'affair fog'.

 

Surely no one should condone the wrong-doings, but we don't have to judge the wrong-doers either.

Try to understand with compassion.

 

I'm not judging anybody. In fact, I am a rather enlightened guy. I have no issue with open marriages, swinging, polyamory....as long as the two people involved are being honest and open and truthful with each other. I'm a California boy.

 

Where I get sideways is when people hide the truth and lie. It is the lying and gas lighting that I take issue with.

 

I don't hate waywards. I don't judge you or anybody here. I do happen to think you are deluding yourself if you feel that what you are doing is not hurtful to anyone as long as they don't know. But I would not hate you for it. I would still offer you a stick of gum at a baseball game if I knew you.

 

Now, I do hate my exWW for abandoning her daughter, not because of her cheating and lying to me. I forgave her for that, because she is a disfunctional person and a broken person. But only coming around to see her daughter once or twice a year and leaving me to pick up the mess? No, to me that is unforgivable.

[Cephalopod]

I apologize for thread-jacking.

[Grapesofwrath]

Ok. This is truly embarrassing! I had a first, teenage love who was a few years older than me. He was my first real lover. We were inseparable for about 6 years. Way too young to have that kind of intensity!

 

His belief was consistently that 'having sex' & 'making love' were 2 VERY, VERY different things. Hot & naughty can yield a certain excitement, thrill spot, but it's never the same as being with "Your person".

 

Am I a soppy, hapless romantic or does anyone out there get what I'm saying? There's a HUGE difference between the 'rush' of a hot & heavy experience & being lost, floating on the change in his/her eyes & muscle tone. Truly being joined to your love?

 

I coming to believe that THIS is my problem!! Oh where has my knight in hippy armor gone?

 

shattered: there is definitely a difference. I agree with you. But not all affair sex is the hot, passionate, throw-down type. My ex-MM would make love to me for hours. Looking into my eyes the entire time. Our bodies felt like I couldn't tell where he ended and I began. That is very powerful, and I often wondered if he was able to be so intimate and vulnerable with his wife, sexually, while also being that way with the me. I think he was, and that really confused and hurt me.

[burnt]

[Off-topic question and answer redacted]

 

I know what I did was wrong, and I know it was hurtful to everyone involved. I recognize it, and accept it.

 

I do believe you are one who mentioned in a post about a friend who would never hurt a fly and then became very raged and violent after his wife's affair and he went to jail.

 

[Redacted]That, very good hearted kind people sometimes end up doing things that are out of their character when they are faced with unusual or emotionally tough circumstances, and then they regret it later.

 

Please try to understand, SOME of the people who cheat and get involved in cheating sometimes fall into the same situation.

Edited December 23, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Clean up of off-topic material.

[William]

OK, last warning on this. Only one person moderated so far but our options are unlimited.

 

Scratch that.... new member, not around for days, no other posts than in this thread, initial instinct confirmed and thread closed. For those who chose to address the topic and add content, we thank you for your participation.

Edited December 23, 2015 by William