For those who have cheated, a question

[merrmeade]

If the WW is now with her AP or even just no longer with her BH, then the sex was off the charts phenomenal and she cannot fathom how she went so long with such a boring, listless sex life with her husband.

 

If the WW is still with the BH, then the sex was awful of course, the OM couldn't get or keep an erection, he smells bad and he's hung like an ant etc.

 

I'm not saying this is always the case, but it tends to be the majority of what I see when I peruse any marriage/infidelity based forum.

Did your BH find out about the infidelity? Did your BH find out how good the sex was with the OM?

Where is your marriage now?

No

No

Same place it's always been.

Our observations are only as good as the threads/posts that happen while we're here.

[Nolagirl1214]

The sex is different between my OM and my H. Can't really say better or worse.

 

H is a bigger, taller, and more well endowed guy. OM is opposite; short, built/muscular, but with a smaller member. OM is also a good bit older than me and my H. They have different "making love tactics" and are total opposites in bed. I find myself being more comfortable with my H overall in bed but OM makes me feel wanted.. He spends much more time on foreplay and is pretty affectionate. He also has a certain kink that I'm still getting used to doing as its not something my H likes at all!

[GunslingerRoland]

He also has a certain kink that I'm still getting used to doing as its not something my H likes at all!

 

Ok, I'm curious so I have to ask, what it is.

[Nolagirl1214]

Ok, I'm curious so I have to ask, what it is.

 

I'm not sure it's okay to post? Lol. I'll put it like this: most women I know would say that's a no-go and definitely would not do it with someone that has a bigger appendage. Use your imagination!

[minnesotagirl]

Most affair sex is hot and addicting. Mine was the best of my life, insane. But so was the situation, and so was he. 1,000% not worth it.

[road]

No

 

No

 

Same place it's always been.

 

How does it feel for your BH to not know he is living a lie?

 

 

How is feel being left with ok sex after you had that great sex?

 

 

Why has your marriage and sex not made better?

[road]

Most affair sex is hot and addicting. Mine was the best of my life, insane. But so was the situation, and so was he. 1,000% not worth it.

 

Were you a WW?

 

 

How/why did your affair end?

[burnt]

His belief was consistently that 'having sex' & 'making love' were 2 VERY, VERY different things. Hot & naughty can yield a certain excitement, thrill spot, but it's never the same as being with "Your person".

 

Am I a soppy, hapless romantic or does anyone out there get what I'm saying? There's a HUGE difference between the 'rush' of a hot & heavy experience & being lost, floating on the change in his/her eyes & muscle tone. Truly being joined to your love?

 

Oh this is (painfully) hilarious.

Just realized reading your post that I don't have the slightest clue about that 'hot and heavy sex' actually feels like--I mean I have seen it in TV, but never actually experienced it.

 

My experience with my xMM was of the other type--the floating in outer space being lost in the bliss kind.

[Lady2163]

My relationship/friendship with MM was the longest I had ever had in my life. But it was also long distance. He was never what I thought disparaging or hateful about his sex life at home. But it was very vanilla and missionary. I believe him, but recognize many people here won't take my word.

 

So, IF he was telling the truth, then yes our sex was the kind that made your eyes roll back and makes your legs twitch. Is it the stuff of BS nightmares? I don't know. I really did a lot of research on sensation and the best way to touch with my mouth and hands. Probably the kinkiest thing we/I did was place a pair of vibrating gloves on his penis and testicles. We used a blindfold a couple of times, but no handcuffs or restraints.

 

I would say our sex was more playful. Sex with the spouse may not have been as physically intense, but I'd like to think it gave him (and them) a deeper emotional connection.

[Whoknew30]

Hmmm, it was great bc of the emotion I felt for OM. It was nice to feel like I was attractive to him vs me feeling like my husband was only having sex with me bc we were married, not bc it was with me. Though I don't think the actual act was ever better than with my H, it was the connection at that time. Now OM said it was better than anyone he's been with (he had a long term gf he eventually married after end of A) & through a close source I heard he even stopped having sex with her until I ended it.

[Cephalopod]

My xWW flat out told me that her OMs were much better in bed than me, especially the one she was currently sleeping with. So I told her "Well why don't you just go be with him!" So she did.

[road]

Oh this is (painfully) hilarious.

Just realized reading your post that I don't have the slightest clue about that 'hot and heavy sex' actually feels like--I mean I have seen it in TV, but never actually experienced it.

 

My experience with my xMM was of the other type--the floating in outer space being lost in the bliss kind.

 

 

Nothing hilarious. Just that people differ on how they view what is great sex.

[Brandyundercover45]

Hi, for me, the reason I am cheating on my husband is typical of many women in long-term marriages, the romance has faded. My husband no longer compliments me, calls me sexy, or makes me feel like he desires me. And though the sex is okay, it has became commonplace, predictable and barely satisfying because really good sex starts (for women) outside of the bed, not in it. But unfortunately I ended up in an affair with an ex-lover, who is now also married to someone else. He and I had an on again, off again relationship in our 20's, but when we reconnected again, sparks flew... he said all the right things like "I should have married you when I had you", he gave me all the compliments I needed (not wanted, I literally needed them) to hear. And now we're lovers. The problem is, while at first the sex was hot, hotter than I've had in years, he now wants to "play house". We have a standard place we meet and it used to be we'd tear each other's clothes off at the door, now he wants to lay down and watch tv, cuddle, order food in, etc. I'm like HELLO I can do this at home. I don't mean to be callous, but I'm cheating to have something "outside" of what I already have. And isn't it the women who usually end up wanting "more". I have no desire to leave my husband, I love him. He is just the man I needed to marry (me and my lover would have never made it as a married couple). I just want the romance and sweet words and great sex. I can't go around having affairs with men until it stops being "new" and then move on. Ugh. Sorry, this may be more of an answer than you were looking for and now I sound like a tramp. I'm not, I promise. My expectations just don't match the reality of my situation. Sorry again.

 

Was the sex "more" than what was typical with your spouse? It seems imagination can be the most vicious when the betrayed spouse is left to deal with their demons. Since men typically cheat for the physical, I could see them doing more wild stuff with the affair. Women typically cheat for emotional connection but since the decision was made to cross the line, I could see the "in for a penny, in for a pound" (no pun intended) take over and inhibitions be damned.

I don't ask this to be some sort of kinky reading- Gawd knows there is enough of that. I just think the unknowns of the encounter are what haunt people. It's natural. Hearing, in general terms (i.e."yeah, we did more stuff" or "No, it was pretty ho-hum") could provide valuable insight for their decision-making process post-affair.

[katielee]

the reason I am cheating on my husband is typical of many women in long-term marriages, the romance has faded.

 

no, it's because there is something broken inside you that thinks you're entitled to this... does your husband know? did you even give him a chance to turn up the romance?

[Brandyundercover45]

The sex for the WW could of been the best she ever had. Did things she never did before and loved it. Equal to what she had with you. Equal and same or equal and different. Not good. The worst. Vanilla.

 

 

So to try and guess how good the sex was with the OM for the WW was, is never going to get the truth for the BH.

 

 

So the BH asks the WW. How does he know he got answered truthfully?

 

 

Then how does the BH believe the WW when she tells her BH? Is the WW rating the sex quality as poor being honest or is the WW doing damage control to lessen her BH's pain?

 

 

Or asked who was better and the WW says it was not better just different, is this not just the WW trying to sound believable and doing damage control?

 

 

Or the WW says OM was the best ever. Was that the truth or did WW say that to hurt her BH.

Huh? I'm new, can you please spell out all the initials you are using? WW, BH, etc?

[Cephalopod]

Waywards today have it great. I am amused with the entitled mentality that permeates our society. It is perfectly okay for a wayward to have a spouse to help pay the bills, raise the kids, work in the house and help out with all the mundane boring lists of items that have to be done in order to live a comfortable life. Of course, none of this is romantic or sexy. So, it has become perfectly okay to have a mistress or boyfriend on the side to do all the fun, romantic sexy stuff with. They require no commitment. They exist outside reality. They are there for pure pleasure while the betrayed spouse gets the doggy leftovers.

 

My my, how humans have evolved. It is a very efficient method. Now we just need to invent a pill or a device that a betrayed spouse can use to numb the mind blowing agony when they find out they they have been used and taken advantage of by the one person who was supposed to have their back. I work in biotech. I think I will start working on that. I'll be a gazillionaire if I can patent that.

[Brandyundercover45]

First, I joined this site because it says something to the affect of no one bashing others. I feel like your statement is accusatory especially since you don't know me or the whole story. So let me set you straight...

 

YES, he has had many, many opportunities to "turn up the heat". Our sex life isn't bad, it's the outside of the bed connection between us that I need more of. He can joke and tell me when I look a mess, when my hair isn't right, or my outfit or whatever, but when I look good... and I often do, he says nothing. I used to compliment him on his appearance all the time, because for a man, he does take his appearance into consideration. But he NEVER compliments me, never tells me I'm beautiful or sexy. I know he loves me and I love him, but I need to hear those things as a woman, and I need to hear them from him, my husband! We've been to couples counseling, I've cried, and pleaded and explained. But since I wasn't getting it from HIM, yes, I got it elsewhere. And NO, I'm not going to leave him. Seeing my lover helps keep my marriage together, as we're great otherwise, partners and friends in every way. Believe me, I love him. But he can't give me everything I need. And since you brought it up, as my husband, YES, I am "entitled" to those things from "him"!

 

no, it's because there is something broken inside you that thinks you're entitled to this... does your husband know? did you even give him a chance to turn up the romance?

[Brandyundercover45]

Waywards today have it great. I am amused with the entitled mentality that permeates our society. It is perfectly okay for a wayward to have a spouse to help pay the bills, raise the kids, work in the house and help out with all the mundane boring lists of items that have to be done in order to live a comfortable life. Of course, none of this is romantic or sexy. So, it has become perfectly okay to have a mistress or boyfriend on the side to do all the fun, romantic sexy stuff with. They require no commitment. They exist outside reality. They are there for pure pleasure while the betrayed spouse gets the doggy leftovers.

 

My my, how humans have evolved. It is a very efficient method. Now we just need to invent a pill or a device that a betrayed spouse can use to numb the mind blowing agony when they find out they they have been used and taken advantage of by the one person who was supposed to have their back. I work in biotech. I think I will start working on that. I'll be a gazillionaire if I can patent that.

LOL. Trust me, this works for both me and my husband. He'd be in a lot more pain if I left him than if I stay and cheat. I make 100K a year, he makes $38K. All our children are grown, it's just us and a dog at home. Not all situations are alike.

[Cephalopod]

I used to tell my xWW all the time how much I loved her and how beautiful she was. And she was, or, well she used to be. She was a pure California girl, simply gorgeous. Not anymore.

 

But during our divorce, after I found out abut her multiple affairs and the one ongoing one she was having, she told me, to my face, that one of the reasons she was cheating on me was because I never told her how pretty she was and that's I ignored her. That was a lie. A goddamned lie.

 

Looking back, I think she had her head so far up her own butt that nothing I could have said to her would have made a difference. Compound that with the fact that she was becoming a drug addict. I never stood a chance.

[katielee]

does your husband know?

 

I may sound accusatory but I'm really trying to get you to see that you are justifying your affair because he doesn't give you enough compliments.

If you feel entitled to those things from a relationship then leave him and find someone else.

Our spouses can't meet every need of ours.

 

By the way, I'm a former WW who thought I was "entitled" to my affair too. I was not.

[Cephalopod]

LOL. Trust me, this works for both me and my husband. He'd be in a lot more pain if I left him than if I stay and cheat. I make 100K a year, he makes $38K. All our children are grown, it's just us and a dog at home. Not all situations are alike.

 

Well...that's nice.

[GorillaTheater]

Well...that's nice.

 

 

Nice as can be. Until she gets the divorce petition requesting lifetime alimony.

 

 

The mere thought of it gives me that special tingle.

[katielee]

LOL. Trust me, this works for both me and my husband. .

 

so then he DOES know about it. If not, you're making decisions for him. How do you know what works for him?

[merrmeade]

LOL. Trust me, this works for both me and my husband. He'd be in a lot more pain if I left him than if I stay and cheat. I make 100K a year, he makes $38K. All our children are grown, it's just us and a dog at home. Not all situations are alike.

it 'works' for your husband? He said so or you decided for him? Whatever. Like you said: It works. Until it doesn't.

 

Just read a few threads of what happens to BHs like yours when they find out they've been two-timed. Not pretty. Lots of misogynistic support verbiage springs up around them at times. imho there's no one as ferocious as an emasculated husband waking up to his wife's cuckolding. Just as painful to watch is when they crumple and shut down, defeated. BH discovery is a special kind of horror. Especially when told it was for the good of the marriage. Good luck.

[Cephalopod]

An old friend of mine, one of the most calm, easy-going guys you would ever want to meet, went to prison for a year and a half after he found out his WW of ten years had been cheating on him. Before this he had never hurt a fly. He was a Gentle Ben. Not one instance of domestic abuse. Well, she cheated on him thinking he would never find out. When he did find out he flipped his lid.

 

She spent a year having facial reconstruction done, and he went to CDCR. He lost his job of course, but now he is suing her for alimony because she is the higher earner. It is a mess.