midwestgirl8429 Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 I have been with MM for sometime now, things have gotten better since I had some serious discussions with him. However, I noticed that when he tells me that him and W get into an argument, it is somehow always brought up about how he needs to be careful of me that I will if I am already not cheating on him etc. I was divorced from my ex (not because of infidelity) before MM and I started seeing each other. MM and W got into an argument the other day and then he said that he supposedly got a call from someone saying that he needs to be careful that I am cheating and specifically mentioned a name. I said I know that person, however I have and I am not in contact with him or any other man in that way. He asked about if I was with anyone after my divorce before him or while he was recently away on vacation (which I only heard from him late at night, never during the day) I replied no..my time is either at work, my kids or with him. He has been living with me for almost 2yrs. now. I asked who this person was that said this and what exactly was said..MM said it didn't matter and he would take care of it. I said why can't I have the opportunity to confront this person and when.. MM said if I am not cheating then I don't need to know and that maybe in time he will tell me who this person is! What is that suppose to mean.. no response. I don't know if he is fishing for something, if W once again put ideas into his head or he is looking for a way out. It just isn't adding up for me. Then the next day, he acts if there is nothing more to discuss. I am not sure what hurts more, the accusation from someone or that he wont discuss details. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 He sounds manipulative- trying to get you to confess to something by pretending he already knows the truth- The rest of your post is a bit confusing- he has been living with you for 2 years but when on vacation with his wife- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 He knows how easy it is for him to cheat so he suspects everyone of being like him. I doubt anyone told him anything, he probably just made it up to see if he could catch you off guard. He is still a cheater by the way. His wife is his OW now. Enjoy your prize. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author midwestgirl8429 Posted December 15, 2015 Author Share Posted December 15, 2015 Now that I re read it, sounds confusing in places.. sorry, wasn't sure how to put things into words without making it too long. He went alone on vacation to visit a friend, I then met up with him. Every time him and the W get into heated arguments, some how it is brought up how I am or will be cheating on him and hurt him. I told him I have NEVER given him any reason to believe that I am doing so and I am not. I am doubting that someone did call him and fed him false info. If it were me, I would of called that person right away.. he is sitting on it. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 He is likely either cheating again himself so a cheater always creates a wall of smoke by accusing you of the same orrr he is going back to his wife and is laying the groundwork...I went back because I couldn't trust you and thought you would leave me. Basically though...if you finally get a life with your mm...wasn't it supposed to be full of dates, romance, fun, happily ever after? This sounds like so much drama, no trust, no peace. Lastly, Im not sure if he is talking to his wife so much because they are coparenting or not...but this is why there is supposed to be some time without mm dating to adjust to custody and sort out the high emotion before an ow is introduced into the picture. Id sit down and clear up this and maybe sort out different living arrangements and a new start because I can't imagine this is the life you've dreamed of. Id rather be single than live with all this chaos and confusion. Love doesnt hurt. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 Probably because it's not true and he's slowly setting you up, so that later if he doesn't leave and divorce his wife he'll say you're not trustworthy and use that as an excuse to not leave and be with you. I could be wrong but nothing else makes sense. Or he's just playing a mind game with you to see how you react. Link to post Share on other sites
Author midwestgirl8429 Posted December 15, 2015 Author Share Posted December 15, 2015 None of this makes sense to me either. He can be a jealous person...he mentioned one time that nobody had ever told him his W was pretty, cute or sexy.. but people have told him those things about me. He asked why this is still upsetting me still days later, and I said because you still haven't confronted this person like you said and more so because you aren't willing to tell me who supposedly said this, not so much what was said. I am the one that's being accused of something that isn't true, shouldn't I get the chance to speak with this person? All in time.. well by then it will be a thing of the past Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 Okay, I am willing to bet this is not the first time he has introduced drama into the relationship under mysterious circumstances. Just from this one story, if I were you, I would rule out (or in) if he is a narcissist. I don't know your age, but this is childish, schoolyard crap. "Somebody" said something about you. Maybe. It could be a smoke screen. I dated an alcoholic narcissist for way too long. He would pick a fight with me right before Thanksgiving and then make up with me after my birthday (which was after Christmas and NYE). It was to avoid having to do the whole holiday thing. The third year it happened, I ignored his call. He was notorious for having weekly or daily crises, which always seemed to involve me giving up money or my car. And I was to never let the friend of his in crisis know that I knew they were having this problem. When there wasn't a crisis or emergency with one of his drinking buddies (usually female), things were almost worse. That is when my shortcomings were evaluated or shortcomings were invented. I was constantly being told I said this or that to so-and-so or some mystery person, but never allowed to confront them. He was making it all up, just to keep me off balance. I never felt secure. Which is what he wanted. They less secure I felt, the harder I tried to accommodate him. Good God, I was an idiot. This is not positive or constructive manipulation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author midwestgirl8429 Posted December 15, 2015 Author Share Posted December 15, 2015 The day this happened, he says he had drama with his 21yr old, W, work, at a retail establishment and with another family member. So why not add me into it while we are at it. He says he really has never liked the holidays much, he tries to work to avoid holidays or would rather just spend it alone with me. To me it's just hurtful the way he is or is not handling this, that is more hurtful to me than anything. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 Mkay so you want to continue analyzing petty details and he said/she said and why why why instead of addressing the huge boulder of the big picture which was...you placed your bets wrong, you put all your money on the man who did not turn out to be your night and shining armour, the ending is not the fairytale you believed. Its drama, its a mess..its toxic. You know it but you are allowing the individual small details distract you from the truth. Its not one slice of bread in a loaf that's molded...the whole thing is stale and full of decay. Its a bad deal you signed up for. You aren't married, you aren't his childrens mother, don't act helpless and stuck. Do you want your 2016 to look this way too? Ughhh the way we continually invite chaos in to our lives and allow it to grow and fester and destroy our peace. Id show him the door and reclaim your life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FreeWayLuvs Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 He's feeling insecure because he's cheating with you. Simple. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author midwestgirl8429 Posted December 15, 2015 Author Share Posted December 15, 2015 I don't know if he has always had drama in his life and if so to what extent. He admits that he does bring it on himself at times, but does nothing about it. He lets things get to him. Like I tell my kids you can either shut up and deal with it or if you are going to complain than do something about it. Ball is in his court. I noticed even with my ex, men seem to get comfortable then when one thing gets out of place they get insecure. I am not going to put my life completely on hold because someone else can't deal with their own problems and insecurity. I don't want next year to be this way Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 I mean even the way your describing him is totally unfavorable. Your not even head over heels in love as you should be. Whats SO wrong with walking away and being single? What do you wanna do...let this just go ON...what action are YOU taking to just get out? Its christmas and you should be happy and in love and instead your in a no win back and forth with a drama filled dead end partner. Cut your losses already. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fruitee Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 This is exactly same as my "ex" was doing. Always blaming me and telling me he had heard stuff about me and I have no clue what he knows about me etc. It's just plain bs and waste of your time to listen and to care about those "rumours". Because first of all they do not exists and second of all the reason behind doing so is to mess up with your head. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 Your posts date back to June 2014 and they are all about the mm and his w. Hes still married, he hasn't divorced, he's still hanging out with his Wife and family...and hes fighting with you and accusing you and still lying to you. At this point there are 2 sets of kids involved..no one is happy...these kids are seeing no stability and adult drama and there's no movement to make anything different. What will 2016 posts say...how depressed you are that he spent the holidays with her and is planning another summer vacation with his family? I am truly mesmerized that you ended up with him and its getting worse and you are acting stuck. I guess you wanted to win so you tolerate this garbage. Its your ego showing his ex you've won him? Cause I don't know what else keeps you holding on. Id be embarrassed to be affiliated in such a mess. Pack his sh%$ and drop it off to his wife and tell her she can have him and get ON with your life already. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 yeah... i don't think the mysterious person even exists. i think he got jealous, suspicious (because he himself is cheating) and went to test you with the "someone told me!!!!" old excuse. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 Wait, your MM lives with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 Wait, your MM lives with you? From reading pasts threads it appears he does, but he is still married. And I agree with others, there was no mystery person, he made that up as a way to accuse OP of cheating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 From reading pasts threads it appears he does, but he is still married. And I agree with others, there was no mystery person, he made that up as a way to accuse OP of cheating. Yeah it does sound made up. But wow how weird to be living with him and he's still married. He'll probably accuse her of cheating and then go back to his wife! Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 So why isn't he divorced yet? That is the burning question. Certainly more burning than his "are you cheating?" Link to post Share on other sites
Author midwestgirl8429 Posted December 16, 2015 Author Share Posted December 16, 2015 He is in the process of the divorce, it is dragging.. nothing has happened since the filing.He doesn't get why this is still bothering me and just wants to put it behind us he says. Easy for him to say, he's not the one being accused. He now acts if everything is fine, like nothing happened. I am trying to get to the bottom of this and if he can't be open and communicate with me like an adult, then I need to be the one to say please go..as hard as that may be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author midwestgirl8429 Posted December 16, 2015 Author Share Posted December 16, 2015 What will 2016 posts say...how depressed you are that he spent the holidays with her and is planning another summer vacation with his family? I guess you wanted to win so you tolerate this garbage. Its your ego showing his ex you've won him? Cause I don't know what else keeps you holding on. Id be embarrassed to be affiliated in such a mess. Pack his sh%$ and drop it off to his wife and tell her she can have him and get ON with your life already. No family vacations with his family, they haven't done one of those in 7 years. It's not about winning. I want to give people chances, believe and have faith in people.. but when do you stop and move on. One part of me says I know what I should do, but the other part says give it time. There are many positive things about him and our relationship, but these few negative things he does is destroying things, and possibly myself. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 I'd wonder if the divorce has even been filed. In prior threads you have repeatedly said that the MM continues to spend time with his kids and with his wife at their home, that even if he takes the kids out his wife goes along. He is dating his wife. He is not done with his marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 Midwestgirl, you are not being accused by a random person that called him. You are being accused by him. Good luck in the new year. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 He is in the process of the divorce, it is dragging.. nothing has happened since the filing.He doesn't get why this is still bothering me and just wants to put it behind us he says. Easy for him to say, he's not the one being accused. He now acts if everything is fine, like nothing happened. I am trying to get to the bottom of this and if he can't be open and communicate with me like an adult, then I need to be the one to say please go..as hard as that may be. I feel that A's make people delirious. You kept a secret with him and you did it so well that now he is paranoid that you will keep a secret from him. My xMM acted like this too, even though I was completely single when we met. Link to post Share on other sites
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