thisorthat Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 (edited) I have an immediate need for help. I am a long time lurker here, first time poster. My husband and I have been fighting a lot lately....like everyday. He is always upset about something. But the other day...I saw an eharmony favorite on the computer. My husband has been accusing me a lot lately of cheating or flirting...(I don't) and it made me think of this...he's the guilty one! Well I quietly created a fake account...to see if I could find him. I had no picture or anything...Just a fake. I didn't see him. So, I confronted him. He said it was from before we met...that he still had a profile but that it had been inactive for years...(which I eventually saw to be true). But, I found in his phone contacts 2 women...and they were saved under "eharmony"....again...it was old. But, I didn't know this at the time... I was so upset that I ran into the bathroom and started packing up my make up bag...I told him I was leaving. I was SO mad when I saw that profile on his phone. (again it was indeed old but I didn't know).... So, he grabbed my make up bag and yanked it...but "he says" he didn't know he was yanking my hand which was holding the bag. I kept pulling....and screaming let go you are hurting me!!! The bag finally broke and I saw my hand...my fingers were twisted and mangled. He freaked out...and immediately took me to the hospital. I had to have plates put in my hand and pins in my fingers...2 surgeries and my hand may never work right again. He initially went into hysteria he was so sad and guilty..or so it seemed. He was taking care of me etc etc. I told him I forgave him, but I wasn't feeling so sure. The next morning I went to the bank and took half of the cash out of the checking and put it into my own personal account. I was thinking of leaving. He went nuts...he said I was "extorting him" and that I like being a victim etc etc. Well the doctor who did my surgery ended up calling police on him...and now he may face charges. He is blaming me and saying this was my fault and an accident. He says he didn't INTEND to break my hand and I caused he fight by trying to leave. He is very scared and I'm feeling so torn....do I stay ...give the cash back...or do I file divorce and leave??? He says things like...."we can't tell my ex wife because she will hate you and she believes in me...unlike you...and it will turn my kids against you..." Or..."I'm not telling my friends because we could never hang out with them again because they know me and that I would never do something like this...and they will think what did SHE do to piss him off so badly...that caused this?" He says people will know that we are toxic together...and he wouldn't want to hurt me by having them think so poorly of me... Edited December 15, 2015 by thisorthat Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 I'm willing to go out on a limb and accept that it was an accident, which may help him in a criminal case but also may not take him completely off the hook. But one of the big problems I see is his reaction once his flurry of guilt was over. Like he wanted to "protect" you from your circle of friends because everybody would know that it's "your" fault. It's bullsh*t, of course, because he's pretty clearly just protecting himself by trying to convince you not to talk about it. Real douche move on his part. He's right about one thing, though. Based on one fairly brief post it certainly appears that you two are toxic for each other, or at least that he's toxic for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thisorthat Posted December 15, 2015 Author Share Posted December 15, 2015 The other issue is he is very controlling. He gets angry over my work schedule...even. He wants to know who I am meeting with and he reads all my texts etc. He accuses me of flirting with my boss..which is crazy. He also wants me to invite him to meetings or bring him into my work. In fact, my female co worker (supervisor) asked me to join her at a local pub for food to talk about a project. She was hungry. I went and my husband insisted that I allow him to come to meet her and a couple of other co workers. He showed up there and just introduced himself. He said I shouldn't be going to happy hour with my boss and he can't trust me since I think thats okay to do without him. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 The other issue is he is very controlling. He gets angry over my work schedule...even. He wants to know who I am meeting with and he reads all my texts etc. He accuses me of flirting with my boss..which is crazy. He also wants me to invite him to meetings or bring him into my work. In fact, my female co worker (supervisor) asked me to join her at a local pub for food to talk about a project. She was hungry. I went and my husband insisted that I allow him to come to meet her and a couple of other co workers. He showed up there and just introduced himself. He said I shouldn't be going to happy hour with my boss and he can't trust me since I think thats okay to do without him. His being controlling isn't "the other issue". It's The Issue. It's why he broke your hand... because he didn't think you had the right to leave the vicinity without his permission during an argument. I'm usually a save-it-if-you-can type of gal. But the guy broke your hand while he was disrespecting your autonomy and your person. He's going to have to repair his internal issues. If it was me... I'd get out until he's proved beyond all shadow of doubt that he has. This is domestic violence. I'm sure he's sorry... they typically are. But being sorry doesn't correct the underlying control issues. Therapy does. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
redtail Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 I think you know your answer, this situation could escalate, especially if he sees the incident of breaking your hand "your fault". He is capable of doing more than breaking your hand when he gets angry the next time. For yourself, I think you need to strongly consider getting out and getting away from his control. Many red flags, such as having to meet your co-workers, it seems to be the tip of the iceberg. Be strong, and I hope the best for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 I had the slightest bit of empathy for his situation until this: The next morning I went to the bank and took half of the cash out of the checking and put it into my own personal account. I was thinking of leaving. He went nuts...he said I was "extorting him" and that I like being a victim etc etc. Well the doctor who did my surgery ended up calling police on him...and now he may face charges. He is blaming me and saying this was my fault and an accident. He says he didn't INTEND to break my hand and I caused he fight by trying to leave. His issues put you in danger and I'd separate at least until he's shown a willingness to address them. Right now, the relationship doesn't seem to be working for either one of you... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 Too many controller/abuser trait red flags here for my liking, so I'd say get out, at least for the time being, and ignore his attempts to coerce you. (Which is exactly what they are - "I don't want this [bad thing for me] to hurt you," "probably this [bad thing for me] will make ppl think you're horrible for treating me so bad," etc.) What's the status of the criminal case? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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