The Texts Aren't What They Once Were

[AnyTakers]

As you know, I have made a thread sometime ago about us breaking up and he decided to give things a try since he realized we have invested a lot into it as it is, instead of just giving up easily, but the thing is, before things went south with us, he used to text me more often than he does now.

 

I remember he used to ask me to send him pictures of me, and even sometimes he would say he peeked at my pictures whilst at work, which made me happy to hear, but that doesn't even happen anymore. I brought that to his attention, and his answer of course is, "Work has been busy".

 

It has been like this for the past couple of weeks, and I brought it to his attention, but he said work has been busy and it frustrates him that I don't understand that. I have tried to explain to him that I have been as understanding as I can be about how hectic work is for him, but it's just coincidental that things have took a drastic change around the same time things have gotten rocky with us.

 

Even pretty much all week last week (after work) we have rarely had a chance to talk because he had something else or another to do. Last Monday we hardly talked because he had a headache and he needed to soak (in the tub) for a while to relieve his headache. Tuesday he had a church meeting. Wednesday, he has church like he does every Wednesday, so that's nothing new. Thursday, he had a staff party to go to. Friday he called me only to tell me he needs a couple of hours to do something else. Saturday, he hung out with his friend, but said I was welcome to call him when I got off work and we did talk briefly and he said he would call me once he did get home. Sunday, we spent some time together after he got home from church. We spent way more time together than this.

 

I have addressed this to him. He told me that he hopes this week isn't as busy as last week. I have told him that it feels like he doesn't enjoy talking to me anymore, but he says that he does. But this whole "work is busy" statement is starting to feel like it's his go-to statement for him saying he is losing interest, but he says he isn't losing interest.

 

Am I reading way too much into things? Do I really have too much time on MY hands?

[StBreton]

You've communicated your dissatisfaction with his communication/hectic schedule/lack of attention. The only thing you can do now is get busy yourself and not contact him... go do things for yourself like work out, go out with friends, etc. ... let him do the pursuing...you seem like you're chasing this and he's pretty nonchalant. You'll feel better about yourself doing this than driving yourself crazy about his motives.

 

I don't like the push/pull thing but pulling away and seeing how a guy reacts will tell you everything you need to know. If he comes back around, he cares...if he doesn't, let him go...sorry to way, you aren't that important to him. He may not be in touch with his emotions, thinks this behavior is ok, or not want to let you down by telling you he's not that into anymore... so I'd do the above and see where it goes. Good luck.

[AnyTakers]

You've communicated your dissatisfaction with his communication/hectic schedule/lack of attention. The only thing you can do now is get busy yourself and not contact him... go do things for yourself like work out, go out with friends, etc. ... let him do the pursuing...you seem like you're chasing this and he's pretty nonchalant. You'll feel better about yourself doing this than driving yourself crazy about his motives.

 

I don't like the push/pull thing but pulling away and seeing how a guy reacts will tell you everything you need to know. If he comes back around, he cares...if he doesn't, let him go...sorry to way, you aren't that important to him. He may not be in touch with his emotions, thinks this behavior is ok, or not want to let you down by telling you he's not that into anymore... so I'd do the above and see where it goes. Good luck.

 

What do you mean by "come back around"? What would qualify as him doing such?

[Diezel]

Sounds like this relationship is over, maybe you should make it so.

[ExpatInItaly]

What do you mean by "come back around"? What would qualify as him doing such?

 

The communication picking up again, him initiating contact, asking to see you. It wouldn't happen all at once; don't expect things to go right back to the way they were before. Not right now, anyway. He is saying through his actions he wants some breathing room. Only you can decide if you're comfortable with that. As another poster suggested, get busy with your life in the meantime.

 

Why did you break up before?

 

EDIT: Just took a look through your previous threads. I remember the backstory now, and I posted some responses there too. All of this for a guy you met once in person, a long time ago? For a guy who ended the relationship through a text message, just a couple weeks ago? After days of silence and accusing you of being codependent? Oh honey...you need to let him go for good. This relationship was already on thin ice and it's not looking good now either. Why did he agree to give this another chance?

Edited December 15, 2015 by ExpatInItaly

[AnyTakers]

The communication picking up again, him initiating contact, asking to see you. It wouldn't happen all at once; don't expect things to go right back to the way they were before. Not right now, anyway. He is saying through his actions he wants some breathing room. Only you can decide if you're comfortable with that. As another poster suggested, get busy with your life in the meantime.

 

Why did you break up before?

 

EDIT: Just took a look through your previous threads. I remember the backstory now, and I posted some responses there too. All of this for a guy you met once in person, a long time ago? For a guy who ended the relationship through a text message, just a couple weeks ago? After days of silence and accusing you of being codependent? Oh honey...you need to let him go for good. This relationship was already on thin ice and it's not looking good now either. Why did he agree to give this another chance?

 

He wanted to give it another shot because of a lot we have invested. I asked him tonight about if these are not signs (my thread) that he has lost interest, what do you do in a situation when you have lost interest in someone. He said he simply tells the person. I told him that he tends to be passive about things, and he said in certain situations he is passive, but not when it comes to telling someone he isn't into them anymore.

[ExpatInItaly]

He wanted to give it another shot because of a lot we have invested. I asked him tonight about if these are not signs (my thread) that he has lost interest, what do you do in a situation when you have lost interest in someone. He said he simply tells the person. I told him that he tends to be passive about things, and he said in certain situations he is passive, but not when it comes to telling someone he isn't into them anymore.

 

His actions don't back up his words. At this point, he isn't acting very interested.

 

I would take a big step back and give him space. If he broke up with you for being co-dependent, he's going to already have that fear in the back of his mind that you are more invested than he is. You've already expressed how you feel. Not much more you can do. If he's pulling away, he's pulling away. Harping on him for the lack of texts/calls/contact is only going to expedite another split, I think. The relationship is already too fragile for more conflict right now.

 

Personally, I wouldn't waste any more time on this guy. You've met once, correct? There isn't much of a relationship, in the sense that you haven't had a sustained physical, in-real-life connection. Communication is the key to success in a long-distance relationship and he just doesn't seem all that eager to improve it. I wouldn't be able to continue with someone who is starting to appear so indifferent. I need a partner to be on the same page, enthusiastic, wanting to share with me. And he just...isn't.

[AnyTakers]

You've communicated your dissatisfaction with his communication/hectic schedule/lack of attention. The only thing you can do now is get busy yourself and not contact him... go do things for yourself like work out, go out with friends, etc. ... let him do the pursuing...you seem like you're chasing this and he's pretty nonchalant. You'll feel better about yourself doing this than driving yourself crazy about his motives.

 

I don't like the push/pull thing but pulling away and seeing how a guy reacts will tell you everything you need to know. If he comes back around, he cares...if he doesn't, let him go...sorry to way, you aren't that important to him. He may not be in touch with his emotions, thinks this behavior is ok, or not want to let you down by telling you he's not that into anymore... so I'd do the above and see where it goes. Good luck.

 

He told me he had to work late today, right? Normally, I would be upset, but I wasn't. By the time he did get off work, it was time for him to to church, so he called briefly to say hi since he was at church and at first I asked if he could call me when he got out of church. Well a couple of hours later, I texted him, and asked him to just meet me online instead, because I was feeling dizzy and didn't feel like talking on the phone for real (didn't tell him the part about not wanting to talk on the phone. just about me being dizzy). And yes I am dizzy. I didn't say that just to be saying it.

 

Now, normally when he comes back from church he doesn't come online until late (around midnight my time). He was on shortly after 11 my time. The only reason I asked him to call me tonight after church at first was because we hadn't really talked before church like we normally would. Otherwise, we have always just met online when we got back from church. So anyways, he was online with the quickness. Asking me how am I feeling, worried about me being dizzy and all. We talked for a bit, giving each other a recap on our day and after that he told me he is worried about me being dizzy and he is being super attentive. I guess me changing it up on him like that really got his attention some.

 

Oh he also thanked me for being patient about his busy day. So I dunno what to think. I guess it's a good thing, but I don't want to get comfortable and be dumb and blind either. So yeah I have realized that the more I have not let him being busy bother me, the more attentive he seems to be, and the more I seem to let him being busy bother me, the more he pulls away. It's like a crazy game.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's not a game. It's about finding balance and being realistic in your expectations of the other person. It's about finding a way to have both of your needs met. You have different relationship styles, it seems. That's not always a bad thing or dealbreaker, but you both need to find a compromise if it's going to work.

 

When he asked before if you were codependent, did you give that some consideration? I used to have codependent tendencies but as I've gotten older I have found a lot more equilibrium in my life and consequently in my relationships. Also, do you have hobbies, interests and social circle that keeps you busy? Cultivating a fulfilling life outside of the relationship will naturally provide more distractions.

 

In the end, what's the worst that could happen?

[AnyTakers]

It's not a game. It's about finding balance and being realistic in your expectations of the other person. It's about finding a way to have both of your needs met. You have different relationship styles, it seems. That's not always a bad thing or dealbreaker, but you both need to find a compromise if it's going to work.

 

When he asked before if you were codependent, did you give that some consideration? I used to have codependent tendencies but as I've gotten older I have found a lot more equilibrium in my life and consequently in my relationships. Also, do you have hobbies, interests and social circle that keeps you busy? Cultivating a fulfilling life outside of the relationship will naturally provide more distractions.

 

In the end, what's the worst that could happen?

 

Yes I have hobbies and interests and I getting back into them and they make me feel so much better. And yes, he's more quiet and I'm not so much, and I agree about compromise and also learning how to communicate better with one another. So I have been asking him things here and there to try and get a better idea of how he does things so I don't keep misunderstanding him. As far as the co-dependency thing, so I can better answer that question, what kind of things were you doing before that were considered co-dependent tendencies? Did someone point them out to you and how did you stop them?