I feel trapped! I want to be alone!

[jakeconnor]

I feel trapped. I need to be alone. I need my me-time. Always enjoyed being alone better. We've been together for 10 years and have 2 wonderful kids. I love them and provide everything they need.

We are not married. Why? Because she is a shy person and although she wants to get married, she don't want anyone related to us, no family, no friends, attend the marriage. I always though it was stupid. She's too shy.

 

When she's not home, I feel free. Mainly because there is no nagging, nothing. I can do (almost) whatever I want. She's not home now. I feel anxious because she'll be back anytime soon. But I enjoy the silence.

 

When she's home, I feel stressed. The nagging is wearing me off. She always makes noises and it annoys me! Or even, the fact that she's on her goddamn computer all the time, it annoys me. Sometimes I'd rather come back from work and be completely alone. I do the chores, give the bath to the kids, do the sleep routine. Then... I go downstairs, have a few beers, play video games and go to bed. Why would I stay in the living room pretending to watch tv when she's on her laptop on her phone all the time? She won't really talk except the same thing over and over again. She's constantly on facebook and it annoys me. Sex is once every two months. Every time I try, she rejects me for any stupid reason.

 

We are often arguing, fighting over the smallest things. With her, everything is always complicated. Never simple.

 

Also, when we first met, I stopped smoking weed. She threatened me to leave if I ever smoke again. A few days ago, she went to visit her mom with the kids. She stayed for a few days so I though I would have a joint after X years. It was great. I am so nostalgic of the time I used to smoke. I enjoyed it so much. I'd rather smoke a joint than drink a few beers alone at home. But I can't because she doesn't want me to. She's alright with the fact that I drink 3-4 beers every night but I can't enjoy weed on weekends.

 

She doesn't let me go out with my friends. She don't have friends so every time I want to see my friends, she replies with "you won't go out. Who will take care of the kids at home?" I get to see my friends once every six months. They invite us over all the time and she always turn them down. They even asked why I never come when they organize something. I'm jealous. They have kids, they still see our friend circle and I feel excluded because of my girlfriend who doesn't want me to go. She doesn't even want me to go with the kids!

 

I don't remember the last time she said "I love you" to me in person. She says it when we talk on the phone but never in person. I always am the one asking for kisses and hugs. She rarely look me in the eyes. Never did, even 10 years ago. At first I though that she was just shy.

 

I am a great father and I do everything I can to help when I'm at home. During day, I work so it's normal that she takes care of the kids since she's on parental leave.

 

Is it normal for a 30 years old to feel trapped? Am I normal? Should I man up and stand up to her? Isn't a relationship supposed to have compromises between the two?

 

I tried to talk to her. Nothing to do. She's too immature to have a conversation. "I don't wanna talk about it because there is nothing to say". I am a small business owner and I deal with professionals all day long. Then I come home and have to deal with that childish crap!

 

So, my girlfriend of 10 years doesn't let me go out with my friends, she doesn't want me to smoke pot and I feel trapped.

 

What should I do?

 

Sometimes I imagine myself single, having the kids in shared custody. Is it wrong? Or I am a selfish bastard?

Edited December 15, 2015 by jakeconnor

[mrs rubble]

You both need your own space. I don't get the "she won't let me" part of your complaint, are you your own person? Allow yourself to go.

I set this straight early on in my current relationship, he said once when I'd been invited to something "you know you can go if you want" I said "I know I can and I will if I want to". My man has a tendency to be quite bossy and controlling. I just put my put down.

You should do the same, just tell her you're taking the kids and going to visit your friends. You don't need her permission.

[Fleur de cactus]

Any relationship that cut you of your friends and family is not good. It is not a life. I think I would feel trapped if I was in your situation. I think you allowed it, but now you start feeling the consequences.

 

This is a passive controlling situation but I think like someone said here, you can change it. What do you mean by when you want to visit friends, she asked you who will watch the kids? If she is shy like you say and does not like to visit friends, take the kids and go. You kids need a social interaction with other children.

 

What do you mean by too shy? You can be shy and maybe dont talk too much in public, or visiting with others but being too shy to not want anyone at the wedding is not common. So you dont even visit your own family? she visits her parents and you dont visit yours, or relatives? or friends?

 

Talk to her. If she has a phobia, a therapist could help.

Good luck

[anika99]

Your gf sounds very controlling and you are being suffocated. It's understandable that you feel trapped. You need to make it clear to her that you are not going to live your whole life this way. That you need to see your friends and family and to be able to make your own decisions. However if you give her an ultimatum, you have to be able to follow through. So maybe talk to a lawyer and find out beforehand what your rights and obligations are. Have a plan in-case she shuts you down and you have to walk.

[privategal]

I feel trapped. I need to be alone. I need my me-time. Always enjoyed being alone better. We've been together for 10 years and have 2 wonderful kids. I love them and provide everything they need.

We are not married. Why? Because she is a shy person and although she wants to get married, she don't want anyone related to us, no family, no friends, attend the marriage. I always though it was stupid. She's too shy.

 

When she's not home, I feel free. Mainly because there is no nagging, nothing. I can do (almost) whatever I want. She's not home now. I feel anxious because she'll be back anytime soon. But I enjoy the silence.

 

When she's home, I feel stressed. The nagging is wearing me off. She always makes noises and it annoys me! Or even, the fact that she's on her goddamn computer all the time, it annoys me. Sometimes I'd rather come back from work and be completely alone. I do the chores, give the bath to the kids, do the sleep routine. Then... I go downstairs, have a few beers, play video games and go to bed. Why would I stay in the living room pretending to watch tv when she's on her laptop on her phone all the time? She won't really talk except the same thing over and over again. She's constantly on facebook and it annoys me. Sex is once every two months. Every time I try, she rejects me for any stupid reason.

 

We are often arguing, fighting over the smallest things. With her, everything is always complicated. Never simple.

 

Also, when we first met, I stopped smoking weed. She threatened me to leave if I ever smoke again. A few days ago, she went to visit her mom with the kids. She stayed for a few days so I though I would have a joint after X years. It was great. I am so nostalgic of the time I used to smoke. I enjoyed it so much. I'd rather smoke a joint than drink a few beers alone at home. But I can't because she doesn't want me to. She's alright with the fact that I drink 3-4 beers every night but I can't enjoy weed on weekends.

 

She doesn't let me go out with my friends. She don't have friends so every time I want to see my friends, she replies with "you won't go out. Who will take care of the kids at home?" I get to see my friends once every six months. They invite us over all the time and she always turn them down. They even asked why I never come when they organize something. I'm jealous. They have kids, they still see our friend circle and I feel excluded because of my girlfriend who doesn't want me to go. She doesn't even want me to go with the kids!

 

I don't remember the last time she said "I love you" to me in person. She says it when we talk on the phone but never in person. I always am the one asking for kisses and hugs. She rarely look me in the eyes. Never did, even 10 years ago. At first I though that she was just shy.

 

I am a great father and I do everything I can to help when I'm at home. During day, I work so it's normal that she takes care of the kids since she's on parental leave.

 

Is it normal for a 30 years old to feel trapped? Am I normal? Should I man up and stand up to her? Isn't a relationship supposed to have compromises between the two?

 

I tried to talk to her. Nothing to do. She's too immature to have a conversation. "I don't wanna talk about it because there is nothing to say". I am a small business owner and I deal with professionals all day long. Then I come home and have to deal with that childish crap!

 

So, my girlfriend of 10 years doesn't let me go out with my friends, she doesn't want me to smoke pot and I feel trapped.

 

What should I do?

 

Sometimes I imagine myself single, having the kids in shared custody. Is it wrong? Or I am a selfish bastard?

 

Show her THIS MESSAGE. You said it perfectly...every thing you want...need...are...its all right here.

You deserve what you want.

She doesn't know all you feel and keep inside.

You cant say it better from your own mouth...get brave...man up...show her this. Exactly as you wrote it...she doesn't like it IDGAF cause your UNHAPPY and have NOTHING to lose.

[bathtub-row]

It's doubtful that anything will change, or that she'll suddenly become reasonable. Perhaps you should just let her know that you want a separation in order for you to decide what you want. This is not about getting her approval. And that applies to anything you want to do. Adults don't ask their spouses or significant others for permission. They talk about how they can work together so that they can each do the things they want to do.

 

And, no, it's not normal to feel trapped -- at any age. And, even if it were, it's not a good way to live. Find a woman who is better matched to your social nature and intellect.

[AndyMonsalve]

Jake,

I'm very sorry to hear about what you're going through. I have some thoughts that I hope can help you through this. And I apologize if it's a bit lengthy

 

First, I want to begin by saying that from what you've said, you are NOT selfish for feeling this way at all. From what you've said, your GF is completely dismissing your feelings, desires and frankly disrespecting you as a person in general. Anyone in your shoes would be feeling the same way.

 

I do think, that you would love to reconcile with her and to fix your relationship. Otherwise, I feel like you wouldn't have taken the time to write your post. This is a good sign, at least from you. It would seem like you are willing to put in the work to reconcile your relationship and work to help it become what it once was, or even better! I want to say that that is possible, if there is work put forth from both parties.

 

You guys have been together 10 years and have two children. Question, when did you start noticing that your gf was behaving like this? You mentioned that from the moment you began dating she did not want you to smoke any pot, and you seemed to be ok with it so much that you gave it up to please her. and it seems like it's been until recent (maybe a few months or last 2-3years) that you've started feeling trapped and suffocated. Do you think you can pinpoint what happened? Specifically, what are the things that have changed? Or has it always been like this.

 

If it's always been like this, why didn't you say anything sooner? This is why clear communication is so critical in any relationship. If you noticed early in the relationship that she was on the controlling/passive aggressive side, this should have been a red flag for you. If you didn't raise your concern then, you both allowed for this kind of culture to be rooted into your relationship. So in her mind, acting like this is something that is completely ok. Now if you didn't say anything earlier on, why didn't you? Sometimes we may "accept" someone's behavior, especially loved ones, because we may try to hide or run from confrontation or we fear them walking out or rejecting us. Is this perhaps why you quit smoking pot even though you didn't want to? This may be a reason why her behavior has continued and even grown, you may have allowed it by not communicating your feelings. And now it's at a boiling point!

 

If it hasn't always been like this, when did this start happening or when did you notice it, I ask because I think it's a good idea to perhaps think about the GOOD things about your GF and what you miss about her that you'd love to see more often. If she won't listen to you, (you mentioned she won't talk about it when you brought it up) try writing her a letter or e-mail as someone else here proposed. I would opt for the hand written letter as it shows a deeper personal attachment.

 

When you do write, try to break down the letter in the following way:

 

• Talk about what you love about her with detail and examples
  
• Talk about what you miss about her with detail and examples
  
• Explain how you've been feeling with detail and specific examples, this is the meat and potatoes so don't hold back.
  
• Talk about potential solutions and what YOU are willing to put forth to make it happen
  
• Remind her how much you love her and want to work this out and provide her the option of talking about this face to face after she reads or to write you back. Give her a deadline on when to do it, for example a week. Something like this. "I really want to be able to get past this and have our relationship grow. So after reading this, take your time to think about it and we can either meet up for a lunch or dinner date or talk about it here at home. Or you can also write me back."
  

 

Ideally, because she seems to avoid confrontation, reading this letter will help her internalize and "listen" to you while not actually "talking about it".

 

Whether or not she responds to this, you should begin seeking couples therapy to help you work through this. There could be many underlying issues that you are BOTH dealing with that is resulting in this kind of life.

 

I want to add just one last thing about "permissions" that others have spoken of. I, like everyone else, do not think that you should have to ask your husband or wife "permission" for anything. HOWEVER, there should be some clear and communicated "understandings" of what each of you expect from each other.

 

For example, I cannot simply tell my wife I'm going to the bar and come back when I choose to, with no regard to her thoughts, feelings or attention to her opinion toward it. In turn, my wife (who loves sticking her nose in her phone and social media all night long) doesn't need to ask permission to do it or not, but we have an agreement as to when is ok for her to have her "screen time" and when she needs to put it away and dedicate time to me and the children. Another example, is if I am invited to go somewhere and there are other women invited that she doesn't know (that's a key detail), then she expects that I bring her along and vice versa. It's not that we don't trust each other, but our marriage and relationship is one that is very open in terms of communication and we understand it is the single most intimate relationship we have on this planet. So, I think that when it comes to have your "me time" and social interactions with your friends, you should both come into agreement with clear expectations, guidelines, what's ok and what's not ok and respect it.

 

Ultimately, your GF/basically wife, should be your best of best friends. I hope you still see her as such. If you don't, make that your goal as you move forward in trying to reconcile with her. Build on your FRIENDSHIP. That friendship is the bedrock of any marriage. When that friendship begins to fade, that is when the relationship begins to crumble.

 

I talk about this in some more detail in my podcast

BLTP002 ? Friendship in Marriage; 5 Characteristics and 4 Tips to Grow Your Relationship | The Building Life Together Project

 

I believe you guys can get through this if you both put in the work and focus on your friendship and build on it! Keep you head up Jake and one thing is for sure, you are one hell of a dad. I'm glad that your love and attention for your children has remained a priority as you work through this with your GF. I look forward to hearing your future response.

 

Andy

[Mr. Lucky]

So, my girlfriend of 10 years doesn't let me go out with my friends, she doesn't want me to smoke pot and I feel trapped.

 

Assuming my wants were reasonable - which yours seem to be - I'd rather ask for forgiveness than permission.

 

How does she stop you?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Popsicle]

You drink 3-4 beers every single night and want to smoke weed on the weekends??? Oooooookay.

 

Just get a divorce, what more is there? You two are incompatible.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Interesting. My wife has no issues with pot use (even though she doesn't partake), but when I got depression and started drinking every day, she didn't like it at all and started asking if I think I have a drinking problem. A joint here and there to me is better then 4 beers a night. Do you feel you are drinking more because of your unhappiness at home?

 

But... You set the stage for her control over you by giving up a part of yourself that you enjoy for her. So she probably just took advantage at every opportunity after that to control you in any way possible. She can't allow you to have friends because it would empower you too much. It's to big a threat on her control, so she won't stand for it. You need to start putting your foot down like NOW. No need to ask for forgiveness or permissions, just tell her "I'm going out with my friends tonight". If she gets pissy, just say " whatever, idgaf I'm going out!" Then go and have fun. Take the kids out for some fun somewhere with friends. Do things you want to do. Don't give in to her demands. If she doesn't want to go, leave her ass at home. Have fun without her. Felt good smoking that J right? Don't lose sight of that feeling. Not the physical feeling the J gave you, the feeling of doing what you want outside of her control.

 

And don't ask for forgiveness where none is needed. Don't ever be sorry for having a life outside her control. If she can't handle it, tough cookies. She will either loosen up the reigns, or she won't and you guys will split. Both of which are far better then living your life under her control.

 

Time to stop being passive, and take some action for yourself. You are being led to believe you are worthless, and she won't stop because that is what is keeping you in check. Everyone is worth being happy. Get some professional help if you need to. They will help provide you with the tools you need to turn this around if you are struggling to find them yourself.

 

In my unprofessional opinion, I would go call up some friends and make plans for a night out with them. Get the kids situated, then tell your wife you are going out with them and everything is handled with the kids. Don't ask, TELL her what you are going to do. If she gives you lip, just say "whatever, I'm going anyway and you can't stop me." Then go light up a doobie, relax a bit, and go out with those friends of yours.

 

GL.

[VeveCakes]

Life is too short to date someone who won't let you smoke weed.

[jakeconnor]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

I'll read them and get back to you.

 

Thanks again.