Duality

[Clockwatching]

Hey all,

 

Four months into no contact, and I also dropped him an email to say that I'm not able to be friends so that it's finalised. No response received from that, which is what I expected.

 

There have been so many demands emotionally on life at the moment and sometimes all I want is to be curled up with him again, I had a level of natural comfort with him that I haven't felt with anyone before and god what I wouldn't give to be there now. Well, everything but my self esteem and self respect, so I'm posting here.

 

Feeling a little low tonight, as you can probably tell.

 

It's so difficult sometimes, I come here quite regularly for a reality check when I need to - read everyone's stories, take on board the similarities and see that the effects that affairs have are pretty much the same on a global scale. Then there's that tricky part of me that remembers the experience, when it was good and we had all the time in the world. Then went he went and I became a couple of hours entertainment, and a secret friend by email and by text.

 

Such a duality of experience and torn emotions - sometimes I have resolution, other times not, these things take time I guess.

 

I steel myself, but when I'm tired, feeling a little lonely, missing him or wanting to feel that again, it's difficult. It's one of those nights.

[bathtub-row]

What you're talking about makes total sense to me. I never loved anyone the way I loved my xMM and, like you, we had a level of comfort that made me feel as though I had come home. I doubt that I'll ever find that again.

 

Even 3 years later, I vascilate between liking him and hating him. I don't really hate him but letting myself have those feelings allows me to distance myself from the warm and fuzzy feelings. I think I would think and feel less about him if I didn't have to deal with him so often. But I never regret ending things with him.

 

I feel for you. The healing process is really tough. Just keep reminding yourself that you made the right decision to extract yourself from that situation.

[privategal]

I hope as you heal you can finally down the road get yourself in a position where you feel like dating.

Because..you are a whole person..worthy of more than a stolen text or a little entertainment. You deserve dates, real ones, and maybe sleepovers, long weekend trips, texting or calling freely...

You deserve it all.

Its ok to look back here and there, feeling lonely and missing the comfort and good times. But it's never enough is it?

I want you to have it all.

It sounds like you are realistic, clear its a bad deal, and staying NC.

I feel sad your struggling but your self esteem and dignity are in tact and that is priceless.

[Doublegold]

Clockwatching I would just like to say that while your posts are few they are always eloquent and honest and deeply thoughtout.

 

While this post is melancholic, it is still heartwarming to have you pop in. I have wondered about how you have been.

 

To me you are a Mighty Girl.

[Lovetoohard]

Congratulations on 4 months of NC. I am sorry you're feeling low tonight. It's especially difficult if there was a friendship lost as well along with the romantic aspects of the relationship. Most days I'm ok these days but out of nowhere, I get hit with an overwhelming wave of loneliness and miss him. I tried the friends thing too but it was just too difficult. I often try to remind myself that I did not get a 100% of him and for every high, there were countless lows. There should never be limitations on the period of time and level of support and comfort one is entitled to receive from a partner in a loving and healthy relationship. Everything in an A will always have limitations.

Edited December 16, 2015 by Lovetoohard

[Outofmysystem]

Clockwatching, I know exactly how you feel.....the times that play back in my mind are the ones where we were laughing, talking about anything and everything, best friends.....the physical was the best ever too, but the friendship, the texts and phone calls just to hear her say "Baby!" And hear the excitement in her voice was better than anything.....now, in 3 months of NC, I'm back to where it all started, in my head, the silence and the lonely memories and the pain......I, like you, know it's best, but the heart aches for those moments again......hang tough, I try to do the same.....

 

But just know that your feelings are shared by another with a broken heart....

[BeautifulIdiot]

So many broken hearts here. I'm also at 4 months NC and I still think about xmm every day, often for large portions of it. I only discovered this place recently and I've found reading everyone else's experiences has helped me enormously.

 

I thought what we had was unique, special and something that only happens once in a lifetime and that's what made it so impossible to even start trying to move on. I still love him and miss him and want him but reality is starting to slowly but surely creep in. The reality that he doesn't want me, that he didn't choose me and what that means. I wasn't loved or wanted enough and no matter how much I hold on to my feelings it wont change that.

 

We deserve to be whole again. We gave so much of ourselves to a half life that we need to find a way to start living a whole life again, just for us.

[m4p]

I kinda blocked it out of my mind but I think I'm about 5 months into NC.

 

The pining and sudden longing has not gone away. The memories (even muscle memories) are still fresh. Its so pathetic but I would have given anything to go back to when we first started and live it all again, the pain and grief and inevitability of it. How silly is that? But obviously that's not possible. And as always, I'm thankful that I'm past the point of no return. Don't get me wrong I've learnt my lesson. I will not make the same mistake again. But there's still that irrational part of me that maybe just wants to see him again. All that I've said and done but a part of me still wants to see his face. Sheesh.

 

Sometimes I get all emotional and feel so much when I'm alone, thinking about the should haves and what ifs.. But sometimes I snap out of it and think "who cares?". The drama is all in our head anyway.

 

10 months ago I was a sniveling mess, now I'm still a mess but at least I'm no longer sniveling..

 

All I want to say is that we can't help what we feel but we can help what we do. I'm thankful to have found LS, and to know that there's other people who know just exactly how it feels. The very essence of this duality emotions.. The silly heartache you can't admit to anybody else.

 

Big hugs to everyone for strength in this road of healing.. Time will help. We will all be okay.

[Clockwatching]

Hey everyone

 

I love this place, you can be as raw and honest as you like about how you feel and there's no judgement, just true empathy and warm hearted encouragement from everyone to do what's best for you.

 

I don't know any of you but it means such a lot and I hope this post gave you some solace too for when you're feeling low and become melancholic that you're not alone, abnormal or weak - just somebody who has loved.

 

As is tradition for me, I wrote this after being out with a friend (who categorically doesn't understand and I no longer talk to her about it, not her fault, but I no longer talk to her about it for my own sanity), had a couple of drinks, poured my heart out a little on here, and then sang a couple of kick-a$$ Anastacia songs out loud and with a lot of attitude, fell asleep. Today I feel better.

 

In all seriousness, I agree and understand everything that all of you wrote here, and it strikes me what deep feeling and beautiful souls you all are. That's something to be proud of and shows what you have to offer someone should be honoured and respected - take care of your gifts.

 

Big hugs to you all xx

[Lady2163]

I'm on here lately because I miss mine as well. Oh, I could call him of I wanted to, but I'm trying not to. I anticipate he will call before Christmas and we will have a warm, friendly conversation.

I'm just resisting the urge to kick it back into play. I miss the connection at times. My business is crazy, so no chance to socialize.

[Dylon]

Sorry for your pain. I too come here to get people stories to help myself heal, though I'm on the other side. However, I find many similarities in how many of you feel. I've been accused of many things here by angry ws. I too have this hate and love thing with the AP, an EA. She drives me crazy diving into my life and pursuing me endlessly trying to make me leave my wife which I've said many times, it won't happen. Then she can go into a hellish mood with words. However, in calm moments, she did a lot for me emotionally and gave a lot. I miss the connection we had. Went into NC avoiding her words for a few months only to start again for 2 weeks. Now into NC again. I hope it works.

 

Hopefully to you and all of the others, in time the hurt resides, and your heart and mind will be occupied with other thoughts, desires, and passion. I find that whole moral talk by people just don't work when one is trying to forget an emotional attachment. Everyone is intelligent enough to know right from wrong so to tell someone just forget about him/her and move on. Easy said than done. Just need to accept that nope, the AP isn't going to disappear like that. We probably will remember the person forever. Some of you might even love the person forever. However, how you feel about that person will change. What I mean is, I believe the hurt will go away in time. You can adore and love without the hurt. Just remember all the pain we faced earlier in life. Didn't they all slowly hurt less?

Edited December 17, 2015 by Dylon

[casey.lives]

It's called survival... the things people do to keep going. Just don't be weak to some douche sociopath bitch boy.. be weak to the man who is strong FOR YOU

[WestEndGirl]

The memories (even muscle memories) are still fresh. Its so pathetic but I would have given anything to go back to when we first started and live it all again, the pain and grief and inevitability of it. How silly is that? But obviously that's not possible.

 

I still think about that as well. That first year was magic. I'd never felt so cherished and adored in my entire life. I had direction and purpose in life. And this was with a man I had known almost all of my adult life, so I made the mistake of trusting him with it.

 

The person I knew back in the day would have never cheated. It's like someone very close to me, who knows me well, said: "He's not the same man he used to be, and you have to come to terms with that."

[RecoveringSlowly]

It's not the same thing, because I am not talking about a romantic partner, but I get your pain.

 

My little brother used to be my best friend. When he was a teenager he stayed at my house so much that my mom used to bring me groceries because I was half raising her son. We did everything together. Then he went to Afghanistan.

 

Everything changed when he got back. He became a mean and bitter man. I understand, to some extent, what war can do to a man. I come from a military family. But, after his wife left him, I became his new favorite punching bag. Whenever he was feeling low he would attack me. I tried for years to help him, until he finally said something to me that was so hurtful I walked away.

 

It has been almost a year since I have spoken to him. Sometimes I miss him so much it hurts my chest. I still cry about it. I am heartbroken. I was always taught that spouses will leave you, friends will move away, parents will die, but siblings are forever.

 

Ya, until they aren't.

 

It is still so damned hard to stay away. I feel like a piece of my heart is missing. But that doesn't change the fact that I deserve not to be abused. I deserve for people to treat me with the same love and affection as I treat them.

 

You deserve that too, you deserve happiness. I wish you the best of luck, and if you find the secret to make it stop hurting, please share with me.