How to get your partner to see that there are issues!

[hellokt]

I am going to make my long story as short as possible!

 

I met my husband when I had a child from a previous relationship. In order to marry each other, I had to become a Christian. It was a very quick wedding, within a year of living together. We went through marriage counseling in the weeks leading up to the wedding. There were issues that we disagreed on but nothing worth cancelling a marriage over. He wanted a baby of his own, reluctant, I said yes. I definitely didn't want another child, I wanted to get on with my career and make something of myself. But not having a child of his very own, how could I say no. Fast forward 2 years and everything is different. I don't feel like we have been genuinely happy for a long time. Since the baby came along we have been terrible. I think he thought it may be a lot easier then it is.

 

I'm sick of the constant competition. There is no point in telling him how tired or sore I am because he is MORE tired and MORE sore. Everything is a competition. I have suggested marriage counseling and he just laughs. We have serious money issues, always have. He is funny with money so we have seperate accounts. Meaning, I'm constantly broke with no money because I'm staying at home with the baby. I don't ask him for things that I want because he makes me feel horrible for asking. He has a major car addiction and has spend $12k in the last two months on cars. Those 3 things have always been an issue. competition with each other, money and cars. I am at the point where I want the issues dealt with. I'm sick of sweeping them under the rug and pretending they don't exist.

 

How do you get your partner to see that your marriage is failing and neither of you are truely happy?!!!

 

I could go on with many more issues because it actually feels good to have a rant but I'll stay on track!

Edited December 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for paragraphs ~ V

[Qboro90]

What are the consequences if he doesn't want to address the issues you each have or doesn't want to try counseling, or won't combine accounts and be more financially transparent and safe? That's what you need to decide and figure out.

 

If you don't then you can just keep expecting nothing to change or for things to get worse and worse the longer you're together. What career field did you want to pursue? Can you get back into it now? Try planning or looking into what you'd have to do to start getting back into the field you desire.

 

Your husband has no reason to change or compromise because there's nothing he has to worry about if he says no and does nothing. Why would he be motivated to listen to anything you have to say?

 

You're most likely going to have to convince him that if things go on like this then you will be divorcing him. Tell him you hope it doesn't come to that because the things you want aren't unreasonable and they can be fixed but if it's this bad 2 years into the marriage, you can't stay and live like this for the rest of your life. You'll have to be serious about this and assertive otherwise he's not going to budge

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I couldn't get past "in order to marry I had to become a Christian" line. What does that even mean? You HAD to, like he wouldn't marry you if you weren't Christian? What were you before? Pretty fundamental stuff for a lot of people, including me. I married a Christian lady, and she knows I'm not Christian at all, didn't force her beliefs on me either, and likewise I would never tell her what to believe. I get that religious preferences can be a deal breaker for some, but why would you change your beliefs just to get married? And if you did that, do you truly believe it? Did he force your hand on this? Probably a little off topic, but I just had to ask cause that is a very weird thing to say.

 

You get your partner to see their is a problem by telling them there is a problem. Communication! And as qboro sad, put boundaries and consequences in place. Then you have to follow through with the consequence if a boundary is crossed.

[Popsicle]

Find daycare and start working?

 

I think you'll feel a lot better.

[anika99]

I couldn't get past "in order to marry I had to become a Christian" line. What does that even mean? You HAD to, like he wouldn't marry you if you weren't Christian? What were you before? Pretty fundamental stuff for a lot of people, including me. I married a Christian lady, and she knows I'm not Christian at all, didn't force her beliefs on me either, and likewise I would never tell her what to believe. I get that religious preferences can be a deal breaker for some, but why would you change your beliefs just to get married? And if you did that, do you truly believe it? Did he force your hand on this? Probably a little off topic, but I just had to ask cause that is a very weird thing to say.

 

You get your partner to see their is a problem by telling them there is a problem. Communication! And as qboro sad, put boundaries and consequences in place. Then you have to follow through with the consequence if a boundary is crossed.

 

I had a hard time with the "I had to become a Christian" line too. What does being a Christian mean to you OP? It's not something you fake to snag a man. If you didn't believe in Christianity or want to become a Christian, then you should have said so upfront. You didn't have to have a baby either. It sounds like you make huge concessions for the sake of having a man and then blame your choices on the other person. You need to stop doing things you don't really want to do. Also I agree that you should get child care and go to work.

[dichotomy]

He wanted a child with you, but sounds like maybe he is not being a supportive and good dad? What about your other child - his step child?

 

Anyway as others are asking about the "become a Christian to marry him" I assume then that your husband is a pretty strong Christian believer and attends church regularly? If so - If I were you I would contact the church and the people who provided counseling and see if you them to work with you and him again - post marriage help. Someone who demands you become a Christian as a condition of marriage - certainly should be open to being more Christ like and getting help from the church for his wife and mom to his child.

 

By the way - I have mentioned this here before, but at one point I got my wife to attend couples therapy by saying "I need help to be better - and would she attend to help me with MY issues".... Yes it was a trick ..but it got her there, then the couples work started. Actually my wife's therapy started then.

Edited December 17, 2015 by dichotomy

[hellokt]

Thanks for the replies. The outcome would be divorce, although I really wouldn't want it to be.

 

I had a hard time with the "I had to become a Christian" line too. What does being a Christian mean to you OP? It's not something you fake to snag a man. If you didn't believe in Christianity or want to become a Christian, then you should have said so upfront. You didn't have to have a baby either. It sounds like you make huge concessions for the sake of having a man and then blame your choices on the other person. You need to stop doing things you don't really want to do. Also I agree that you should get child care and go to work.

 

You are right. I changed so much of myself to marry him that I barely know who I am anymore. We were so great at this time that becoming a Christian and having a baby seemed simple things for a life of happiness.

 

I guess I should have been more clearer with the Christianity part. I was willing to become a Christian to marry him. His family is very religious and his mother wouldn't of agreed with the wedding had I not been Christian and he wouldn't of married me if his mother didn't allow it.

We were beyond happy and at the time seemed like the right thing to do as I said it was a quick wedding.

I have been looking for work for 2 months and am also studying. I definitely need something to do outside the home that makes me feel normal again.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Thanks for the replies. The outcome would be divorce, although I really wouldn't want it to be.

 

 

 

You are right. I changed so much of myself to marry him that I barely know who I am anymore. We were so great at this time that becoming a Christian and having a baby seemed simple things for a life of happiness.

 

I guess I should have been more clearer with the Christianity part. I was willing to become a Christian to marry him. His family is very religious and his mother wouldn't of agreed with the wedding had I not been Christian and he wouldn't of married me if his mother didn't allow it.

We were beyond happy and at the time seemed like the right thing to do as I said it was a quick wedding.

I have been looking for work for 2 months and am also studying. I definitely need something to do outside the home that makes me feel normal again.

 

You might as well run away from this guy. Or little kid i should say. Any so called "man" that would let his mother have any say in his adult life is indeed not any sort of man at all. No way any little kid like that could ever really please a woman. Im not making a joke either, im being very serious on this. His mother wouldnt allow it? Pfffffft. Public service announcement to all the ladies out there, any guy with this issue will NEVER be able to please you. EVER!

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess I should have been more clearer with the Christianity part. I was willing to become a Christian to marry him. His family is very religious and his mother wouldn't of agreed with the wedding had I not been Christian and he wouldn't of married me if his mother didn't allow it.

We were beyond happy and at the time seemed like the right thing to do as I said it was a quick wedding.

 

Not sure I've ever seen more red flags in one paragraph.

 

You adopted a religion you don't believe in to get mom's required permission to marry a man you'd only known a short period of time so you could have a baby you didn't want ???

 

hellokt, are you surprised at your current unhappiness?

 

Mr. Lucky

[hellokt]

Not sure I've ever seen more red flags in one paragraph.

 

You adopted a religion you don't believe in to get mom's required permission to marry a man you'd only known a short period of time so you could have a baby you didn't want ???

 

hellokt, are you surprised at your current unhappiness?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Excuse me? I do believe. I have never once said I don't believe it?

 

This has also already happened, in the past, can't go back and change it. I'd like to focus on the now.

[Mr. Lucky]

This has also already happened, in the past, can't go back and change it. I'd like to focus on the now.

 

Understood. But you're pretty unhappy and disconnected for someone only married two years. The steps that led you here are relevant to helping get you out of trouble.

 

A refusal to go to MC would be a dealbreaker for me. Make an appointment and tell him (and his mother ) if he wants to stay married, he's going with you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[AndyMonsalve]

I am going to make my long story as short as possible!

 

I met my husband when I had a child from a previous relationship. In order to marry each other, I had to become a Christian. It was a very quick wedding, within a year of living together. We went through marriage counseling in the weeks leading up to the wedding. There were issues that we disagreed on but nothing worth cancelling a marriage over. He wanted a baby of his own, reluctant, I said yes. I definitely didn't want another child, I wanted to get on with my career and make something of myself. But not having a child of his very own, how could I say no. Fast forward 2 years and everything is different. I don't feel like we have been genuinely happy for a long time. Since the baby came along we have been terrible. I think he thought it may be a lot easier then it is.

 

I'm sick of the constant competition. There is no point in telling him how tired or sore I am because he is MORE tired and MORE sore. Everything is a competition. I have suggested marriage counseling and he just laughs. We have serious money issues, always have. He is funny with money so we have seperate accounts. Meaning, I'm constantly broke with no money because I'm staying at home with the baby. I don't ask him for things that I want because he makes me feel horrible for asking. He has a major car addiction and has spend $12k in the last two months on cars. Those 3 things have always been an issue. competition with each other, money and cars. I am at the point where I want the issues dealt with. I'm sick of sweeping them under the rug and pretending they don't exist.

 

How do you get your partner to see that your marriage is failing and neither of you are truely happy?!!!

 

I could go on with many more issues because it actually feels good to have a rant but I'll stay on track!

 

 

Hellokt,

 

There are some serious issues here as others mentioned.

- You married because it seemed like the right thing to do

- You were seemingly forced to accept a belief you didn't agree with in order to marry (although now you believe which is awesome)

- You had a baby you didn't want

 

It seems like the fundamental problem here is lack of communication. From the very beginning of you relationship, communication was not a key component in the growth and health of your relationship. You put it very well when you said, "I don't want to keep sweeping it under the rug."

 

Unfortunately hellokt, you both created this "culture" within you marriage. Namely a culture of little to no communication promoted by what seems like complacency from you, in order to be happy or not lose him as a husband, partner, or fear of being alone, or I honestly can't say why deep down you agreed to so many things you weren't comfortable with. This creates a culture in you and him.

 

I can't pretend to know what is in either one of your minds, but I would think that he's gotten used to the fact that if and when you bring up something you disagree with or don't like (who's more tired, money issues, marriage counseling, etc) he can just blow you off because you will continue to be complacent about it and just suck it up and do what he wants. This is beyond unacceptable from his part, BUT seems like he's been enabled to do so.

 

Now how can we fix this?

 

First, I'd like you to ask you. Do you truly love him? I ask this because you didn't mention it in your original post or any of your replies. I'd like to explain this with a story of my own life.

 

I'm currently 1 year married and have a step daughter and another daughter on the way in two months (yay!!). My wife had her first daughter with a man she was dated and was "pressured" to get married with that man by the church because it was the right thing to do. Fast forward a few months later and they were miserable. It included verbal, emotional and some physical abuse. She divorced, we met, and got married about 2 years after her divorce. Throughout or relationship while courting, dating, engaged, and now married. Communication has been one of the fundamental aspects of our happiness.

 

Here's my takeaway. She's my best of best friends, and I love her dearly. And so communicating with her my wants needs and vice versa are critical to make sure I understand her and she understands me. So, do you love him? Is he your best of best friends? Or did you marry out of convenience and pressure. And I would add my wife and I are both devout, God fearing, people serving Christians. And although I don't believe in a man or woman requiring their parents permission to marry, I do respect that they consider their opinion and thoughts on such a great life changing decision.

 

Now, If you really do love him (which personally I think you do, because if not maybe you wouldn't have posted this) than that's great! And the fact that you really want to work things out is a great start.

 

Here Are some practical things I think you can do to start fixing this.

 

1- understand that your behaviors have been just as destructive as his. ( I really hope this doesn't come off as judgmental. I'm only saying this based on the information you provided in your posts)

 

2- you should make it clear to him that beginning a culture of communication is essential to maintaining your marriage. (If not you will end up either living s miserable life and hating or or getting divorced, both of which I don't think you want) do this by having a stern and loving conversation over lunch, dinner or write him a letter. Make it clear that not agreeing to counseling is essentially turning his back on you and his marriage which can lead to what I already said.

 

3- begin over communicating everything. How you feel, what you think, what you like or what you don't like. Make sure he hears it (even if he won't change any of it) just don't keep it bottled up.

 

4- think of ways in which YOU can improve as a wife and friend to him, and do those things. Show him you are committed to also growing yourself to improve. But obviously that doesn't mean to just do things he wants you to do simply because, that would just be more enabling. An example is, figure out his love language and show him love in his love language.

 

5- lastly, this is a two way street and will take hard work from both of you. I believe however it's not a lost cause. Believe in God and do what someone here also mentioned, seek the counsel and help of some God fearing and loving women/pastors from the congregation. You need some moral support while you grow your relationship. And a last tip, always view him as your friend, not your enemy and that all you are doing is in an effort to grow your friendship with the most intimate and close friend you have on this planet, your husband, who you love. Keep that always in mind so it can motivate you. If he turns into your enemy, it will be very difficult to push forward.

 

Hope this long rant helps and I hope to hear good news soon!

[El Prado]

I don't want to make a big deal of it, but it seems to me that there's some over reaction here about the religion thing. People make lots of things to meet the partner's need or desires. Some people move out town, there are others who abandon their jobs. So, I don't see a big deal in the fact that she became attracted to cristianism and decided to embrace his beliefs. Among all big commitments that everybody does in a marriage, it surely does not make the top 20...

[hellokt]

Thank you AndyMonsalve.

 

I do love him. As you said, If I didn't I wouldnt of posted. I am definitely not the kind of girl to try and fix something that isn't worth it. I deal with break ups quite well. This is a relationship I would be sad to lose. Since posting I have confronted him about how I really feel. He agreed that I have every right to feel that way about our marriage ect....

Communication is definitely the key. We have been fine since our chat.