Dealing with wife's affair.

[66Charger]

You can love someone, and leave them. This i know.

[Ladyjane14]

This is completely and 100% true. I see myself (the betrayed husband) as giving a chance to my wayward wife, not the other way around.

The cheater did ask for forgiveness, (verbally) on a few occasions, but it felt shallow, and her actions and behaviors of abandoning me were not consistent with her remorse.

 

Here's the problem with that school of thought...

 

It takes TWO people to make a marriage work, but only one to end it. Everything you've written here suggests that you're not willing to lift your end and that you're not willing to look at making changes to the relationship dynamic which left your spouse vulnerable to an affair.

 

Reconciliation after adultery takes incredibly hard work. From what you've written in this thread, I just don't believe you have what it takes to get it done. And so, my advice to you would be to get a divorce and move on. There's no point in you both continuing to torture yourselves if you're never going to address the pre-affair marital dynamics.

 

 

In the meantime, look into some Buddhist techniques for coping with the emotional flooding you've been experiencing. You don't have to give up any of your religious beliefs to incorporate meditation and mindfulness.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Here's the problem with that school of thought...

 

It takes TWO people to make a marriage work, but only one to end it. Everything you've written here suggests that you're not willing to lift your end and that you're not willing to look at making changes to the relationship dynamic which left your spouse vulnerable to an affair.

 

Reconciliation after adultery takes incredibly hard work. From what you've written in this thread, I just don't believe you have what it takes to get it done. And so, my advice to you would be to get a divorce and move on. There's no point in you both continuing to torture yourselves if you're never going to address the pre-affair marital dynamics.

 

 

In the meantime, look into some Buddhist techniques for coping with the emotional flooding you've been experiencing. You don't have to give up any of your religious beliefs to incorporate meditation and mindfulness.

 

I have already addressed and made changes related to the most important area of the pre-affair relationship state. My wife felt I was too financially controlling. In the last 6 months, I made changes where she has taken charge of whatever expenses she felt she wanted to do. I have not asked her about a single expense. I have also worked on the external manifestation of my anger management. We have come to an understanding that its unreasonable to expect a person to never feel angry, but what we do (our actions) after we feel angry is in our control. I have done every possible thing on my side, except forced myself to emotionally and physically reconnect with her.

 

I suffer from the PTSD images of her with the other man (even in our own house, in which they secretly had sex while I was at work). I honestly told my wife that it would take a LOT for me to get over that and it would help if she shows me that I'm really her man (sexually and emotionally), by "going all out", without any inhibitions. I will also go all out towards her emotional and sexual fantasies, to satisfy her and she already knows that.

As far as what it takes to rebuild the shattered relationship after the affair, I have made it explicitly clear to my wife on what I need..... I need the hysterical bonding, the passion, the emotion, the sex: lots of it, lots of care and hugging and complete emotional and physical commitment (100%) from her side. She seems to find it hard to commit herself fully, sexually, (like do everything to attract and keep me sexually engaged with her). From my side, what I can offer is a 100% effort to forgive, forget and also recommit to her.

[Naively.Sensitive]

If I thought six more months might give you something good is say stay - but I can't see what good will come by waiting six more months.

 

It's now lose to the end of the year...what was her participation level with you over the holiday? What hope do you have that this will improve?

 

Over the holidays, she did make some effort to reconnect, emotionally and physically. She asked if I would join her in the jacuzzi, take a shower with her and kiss her. She also asked if I would just sleep next to her on the bed.

It seems like a tip-toe on her part towards physically reconnecting, but what I think I will need is a huge, passionate emotional and sexual outburst, almost like a wild woman who cannot stay away (physically or emotionally) from her man. One in which she is the one who wants to have sex with me, 3 times a week and wants to take sexy videos of us wearing sexy clothes and having sex. Is this reasonable to expect?

This is what I think I will need (consistently from her for atleast many months or a year or two) to get over the affair.

[ch72]

It seems like a tip-toe on her part towards physically reconnecting, but what I think I will need is a huge, passionate emotional and sexual outburst, almost like a wild woman who cannot stay away (physically or emotionally) from her man. One in which she is the one who wants to have sex with me, 3 times a week and wants to take sexy videos of us wearing sexy clothes and having sex. Is this reasonable to expect?

This is what I think I will need (consistently from her for atleast many months or a year or two) to get over the affair.

 

Is she really that great that you would debase yourself for her? You have all the classic symptoms of being a white knight trying to save the princess from the dragon.

 

If she wants to take it slow, get the divorce proceedings started, because that is also a slow process also. It's a race to the finish, see which side gets there 1st. Sorry to be brutal but you've been slapped in the face so many times you don't even feel it anymore.

 

BTW, I doubt she was this slow getting the OM into bed with her.

[Spectre]

Here's the problem with that school of thought...

 

It takes TWO people to make a marriage work, but only one to end it. Everything you've written here suggests that you're not willing to lift your end and that you're not willing to look at making changes to the relationship dynamic which left your spouse vulnerable to an affair.

 

Make no mistake though the one person to end this was the cheating wife. Also the wife had an affair because she is selfish..she is not some poor victim seduced by her mean boss.

 

So it does take one to end it, and rest assured if the guy can't forgive her for banging her boss(no self respecting guy would) that is not HIS fault, but her own.

 

See because the way you phrased it makes it sounds like gosh..it's his fault for not being able to get over the skank behavior of his wife. It needs to be pointed out this is not true and if a divorce happens it is on her and because she was weak and couldn't keep her clothes on and couldn't keep her boss off her. It's on her.

Edited December 29, 2015 by Spectre

[bigman1]

I suffer from the PTSD images of her with the other man (even in our own house, in which they secretly had sex while I was at work). I honestly told my wife that it would take a LOT for me to get over that and it would help if she shows me that I'm really her man (sexually and emotionally), by "going all out", without any inhibitions. [...]

 

As far as what it takes to rebuild the shattered relationship after the affair, I have made it explicitly clear to my wife on what I need..... I need the hysterical bonding, the passion, the emotion, the sex: lots of it, lots of care and hugging and complete emotional and physical commitment (100%) from her side. She seems to find it hard to commit herself fully, sexually, (like do everything to attract and keep me sexually engaged with her). From my side, what I can offer is a 100% effort to forgive, forget and also recommit to her.

 

No, No, NO!!! You are competing with the other man. You want a sex slave. You want her to debase her self sexually and giver herself to you. In effect, you want her to "let you win" the sex competition.

 

You poor man. You still think that she is the prize. You think that you lost her to the other man. She gave her self to him willingly and passionately and now you need her to do the same for you. That is on par with having a revenge affair. You are trying to even some score and it will not work.

 

She has told you what she is going to do. You need effort and she has told you that she is not going to give that to you. You needed fidelity and she showed you that she was not going to give that to you. Pretty much, everything that you need, want, or are entitled to expect from a spouse she has told, shown, and committed to NOT doing.

 

You need to focus on you. Get you some help. Your plan for healing, independent of my critique of it, will not work.

[Whoknew30]

Make no mistake though the one person to end this was the cheating wife. Also the wife had an affair because she is selfish..she is not some poor victim seduced by her mean boss.

 

So it does take one to end it, and rest assured if the guy can't forgive her for banging her boss(no self respecting guy would) that is not HIS fault, but her own.

 

See because the way you phrased it makes it sounds like gosh..it's his fault for not being able to get over the skank behavior of his wife. It needs to be pointed out this is not true and if a divorce happens it is on her and because she was weak and couldn't keep her clothes on and couldn't keep her boss off her. It's on her.

 

 

Are you married? Bc anyone that is married knows (even if BS chooses divorce) it's complicated. No matter what happens in a marriage, this is the person you wanted next to for the rest of your life. It goes deeper than "cut a skank off" especially if their are kids.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Is she really that great that you would debase yourself for her? You have all the classic symptoms of being a white knight trying to save the princess from the dragon.

 

If she wants to take it slow, get the divorce proceedings started, because that is also a slow process also. It's a race to the finish, see which side gets there 1st. Sorry to be brutal but you've been slapped in the face so many times you don't even feel it anymore.

 

BTW, I doubt she was this slow getting the OM into bed with her.

 

I feel a complete loss of self-respect, but have learnt that I really don't have to depend on her for my self-respect. Another possibility is that we just live a loveless marriage under the same roof, and just raise the kids together. I know its not going to be the same experience for the kids, and definitely not going to be the same experience for us.

 

She claims she did not get the OM into bed with her, but the OM seduced her into bed with him. According to what she confessed to me, he had been talking to her on the phone (about career advice) for several months before, to slowly build up his image as a very helpful and honorable man who was not appreciated. Later, after she joined the same company with him as her boss, it took about 4 weeks for him to seduce her into bed.

 

It makes me physically sick to imagine what kind of people exist in this world, and when even your wife makes you sick, I wonder what that implies. There is also part blame that I take in our relationship being damaged before her affair happened. Basically, the part I take some responsibility for is the fact that on a few occasions she had caught me watching porn. They were times when I was very stressed with work or other mental challenges (I have been through depression before), and it was simply a form of release for me. They happened on some nights on which she seemed very tired after a long day at work and I wasn't sure if asking for sex on those occasions would make her even more tired. I really did not want to hurt her in any way, so I resorted to watching some porn. When she caught me, I apologized and stopped, and clarified that it wasn't because I did not have feelings for her, although, I should have also honestly told her that I would have liked her to attract and seduce me more than she currently did. If she would have worn more sexy lingerie or worked with some of my fantasies, perhaps I would not have needed to watch porn. She herself admitted that when she was younger and unmarried, she had watched porn and there was an aspect of her that was kinky even during our marriage, which she did not assert towards me.

Anyway, the bottom line is that we had not fully expressed ourselves to each other sexually during our marriage and this is another thing I hope to address.

[Naively.Sensitive]

So IF she suddenly turned into a porn star and offered sex to you several times a week you'd be willing to overlook her cheating?

 

Please clarify if I'm reading that incorrectly...

 

I have never really viewed our sex life and my expectations of her in that way for the last 15 years, and suddenly, have felt this expectation after her affair.... Perhaps it is the hysterical bonding that many people talk about.

 

Its not a matter of me willing to "overlook" it. If I could, I already would, because I am "willing", but am just not able to forget.

 

But yeah, in essense, what you're saying is close.

 

What I'm saying is this: IF she suddenly (or gradually) turned into a porn star and offered sex to me several times a week, it would help me in many different ways:

 

1) It would help me overwrite those PTSD images of her with me instead.

2) It would show me, very clearly, that she was willing to do anything to help me recover. If she were doing it just for me, her husband, I don't consider that to be disrespectful (because I have always treated her with respect during sex and catered to her physical needs too, during sex). She may view this to be disrespectful if I'm still going through my roller coaster of emotions and she may feel "used" if on one hand while on the other hand I still suffer from the extreme pain and some anger.

3) It would help me restore my complete loss of confidence and self-respect.

 

Once I'm able to recover "with her help", to be able to deal with my mental and emotional condition, it would help me resolve all me emotions and put them to rest. Once that happens, I would not even need to "overlook", because things would have been resolved.

 

The way I view it is treating a patient with a certain type of therapy to help him heal. Besides, if she likes the sexually inhibited changes between us (which I have some hints that she would), then it could become a permanent magnet between us.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Make no mistake though the one person to end this was the cheating wife. Also the wife had an affair because she is selfish..she is not some poor victim seduced by her mean boss.

 

So it does take one to end it, and rest assured if the guy can't forgive her for banging her boss(no self respecting guy would) that is not HIS fault, but her own.

 

See because the way you phrased it makes it sounds like gosh..it's his fault for not being able to get over the skank behavior of his wife. It needs to be pointed out this is not true and if a divorce happens it is on her and because she was weak and couldn't keep her clothes on and couldn't keep her boss off her. It's on her.

 

I think both aspects are true. She was a victim too (because he did seduce her and make all the initial moves) and she did make a choice too, to accept the temptation (and was selfish too). It just so turns out that she later learnt that she had just been manipulated for sex.

 

Also, I differ in that opinion about self-respect, because she did realize her mistake. It would have been different if she did not admit her mistake. Then, I would have left and it would have been an issue of my self respect.

 

If I am still not able to get over the affair, after giving it my best shot, then it obviously would not have been my fault for the marriage ending and it would have been her acts that caused it.

 

I want to be able to forgive her because that would also be a reflection of my true nature, (to be forgiving), but its obviously not possible at this point because I don't feel enough remorse from her or even support from her to do whatever is needed for my recovery from the pain caused by her actions.

[Naively.Sensitive]

No, No, NO!!! You are competing with the other man. You want a sex slave. You want her to debase her self sexually and giver herself to you. In effect, you want her to "let you win" the sex competition.

 

You poor man. You still think that she is the prize. You think that you lost her to the other man. She gave her self to him willingly and passionately and now you need her to do the same for you. That is on par with having a revenge affair. You are trying to even some score and it will not work.

 

She has told you what she is going to do. You need effort and she has told you that she is not going to give that to you. You needed fidelity and she showed you that she was not going to give that to you. Pretty much, everything that you need, want, or are entitled to expect from a spouse she has told, shown, and committed to NOT doing.

 

You need to focus on you. Get you some help. Your plan for healing, independent of my critique of it, will not work.

 

I'm not trying to take any revenge. That is for sure. And neither would I want to view my wife as a slave. Far from it. What I would want to view (and fantasize) about my wife is this.... That she is very attracted to me, emotionally and sexually and can't keep herself away from me or her hands away from me.

This is obviously for my healing, but if its fake, I don't want it either.

 

So, the real questions are these:

1) Is my wife attracted to me, emotionally and sexually?

2) Is she willing to show me her true feelings (if she is attracted to me) in an inhibited and unrestrained way? If her attraction is true but her expressions are partly contrived, I'm OK with that. Sometimes, when we love our partners enough, we are willing to live out their fantasies.

3) Have I addressed the main area of the cause of our relationship being weak, before her affair?

[ShatteredLady]

No person is perfect. In the grand scheme of things watching a little porn & not focusing on your fantasy sex life (for now) doesn't even rate compared to infidelity.

 

Please don't get caught in the whole "A marriage must be damaged for adultery to take place" argument. I believe that a PERSON is always responsible whilst a marriage is occasionally complicit.

 

Sorry if someone's already asked.... Have you printed out articles like the ones at the top of the infidelity forum & talked them through with your wife? WS's don't fully comprehend the emotional carnage inflicted on their bs. They just can't unless taught! It's unimaginable

 

I'm so sorry that you're hurting like this. I know what it's like & I wouldn't wish this agony on ANYONE!! It's the cruelest of tortures. Know what you want. Fight for what you want. DO NOT RUG SWEEP!!

[Ladyjane14]

Make no mistake though the one person to end this was the cheating wife. Also the wife had an affair because she is selfish..she is not some poor victim seduced by her mean boss.

 

So it does take one to end it, and rest assured if the guy can't forgive her for banging her boss(no self respecting guy would) that is not HIS fault, but her own.

 

See because the way you phrased it makes it sounds like gosh..it's his fault for not being able to get over the skank behavior of his wife. It needs to be pointed out this is not true and if a divorce happens it is on her and because she was weak and couldn't keep her clothes on and couldn't keep her boss off her. It's on her.

 

Your comment that "no self-respecting guy would" suggests that you don't know what's involved in reconciliation after infidelity any more than the OP does. If you've never 'been there and done that', then how would you know?

 

Like I've said several times, if he wants to divorce, that's his prerogative.... obviously. No one is suggesting that he doesn't have a choice; "just one to end it", right? And if you cheat, it's the chance you take. Everybody knows that.

 

But if he wants to reconcile... it's hard work and BOTH partners have to be involved in it. He can't just demand that the formerly wayward turn herself into some kind of monogamous porn star in order to assuage his wounded ego.

 

Both parties have to find real empathy for the other... and when they do, the "hysterical bonding" comes naturally. It's not about "hot sex" and "fantasies". It's about passionate love-making between two people who know and understand each other. You can't do that when sex is some kind of penance.

 

Again, for the bazillionth time... it's NOT FAIR. But you can't get what you want when you're expecting the wayward to single-handedly make it right. It just doesn't happen that way. Trust is a two-way street, and BOTH partners have to re-learn it. She needs to re-learn trust for him just as much as he needs to re-learn it for her.

 

It sucks... but that's just how it is.

Edited December 30, 2015 by Ladyjane14

[justanotherguy1]

wow man im so sorry.. I feel like such a little bitch i wrote threads about my first gf and how she broke my heart, But this man damn it sounds so hard and i truly feel for you. Im a young guy so idk much. and i havent read all the post just what you first posted. I would still like to hep tho.

 

Your wife was your wife for a reason and you married and exchanged vows for a reason. there is no excuse for cheating. none what so ever. She did this to you, to a man who loved her and stuck with her through a long marriage. but yet she decided to hurt you immensely, hide things from you and cheat on you. you dont deserve that.

 

I believe in forgiveness but not like this, not after so long. after so many years you deserve to have a wife who will be your rock and never try to hurt you, nor ruin you.

 

I would leave her man. was her decision to do this she knew exactly what she did and i dont see a life with someone who can do this to me.

 

Goodluck.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Your comment that "no self-respecting guy would" suggests that you don't know what's involved in reconciliation after infidelity any more than the OP does. If you've never 'been there and done that', then how would you know?

 

Like I've said several times, if he wants to divorce, that's his prerogative.... obviously. No one is suggesting that he doesn't have a choice; "just one to end it", right? And if you cheat, it's the chance you take. Everybody knows that.

 

But if he wants to reconcile... it's hard work and BOTH partners have to be involved in it. He can't just demand that the formerly wayward turn herself into some kind of monogamous porn star in order to assuage his wounded ego.

 

Both parties have to find real empathy for the other... and when they do, the "hysterical bonding" comes naturally. It's not about "hot sex" and "fantasies". It's about passionate love-making between two people who know and understand each other. You can't do that when sex is some kind of penance.

 

Again, for the bazillionth time... it's NOT FAIR. But you can't get what you want when you're expecting the wayward to single-handedly make it right. It just doesn't happen that way. Trust is a two-way street, and BOTH partners have to re-learn it. She needs to re-learn trust for him just as much as he needs to re-learn it for her.

 

It sucks... but that's just how it is.

 

When my wife has been responsible for the extreme pain that she caused me, and if she truly is suffering guilt, why would it not be reasonable to expect (not demand) that she do passionate sexual acts (which even she might enjoy, like wearing sexy lingerie and modeling like a porn star showing her beautiful body off for her husband as well as her pleasure) to make up and help me recover from the trauma? What would be wrong with that if our relationship and sex life would only get better AND it would help me recover from the trauma? Would it also not help reduce her guilt from my recovery?

 

Also, why would trust be an issue for her towards me? I don't understand that. She does say that trust is an issue for her towards me, but thats precisely what I don't understand. She was the one who betrayed me, not the other way around.

[sandylee1]

If her getting more sexual with you helps... then by all means go for it. A lot of BHs have the same opinion as you in this area and I can understand where you are coming from.

 

 

It's still advisable to have some marriage counselling though and communicate your needs to your wife clearly and honestly. She should be bending over backwards for you right now. She should be using her I initiative to look into things a WS should do. She needs to show you she's a safe partner.

 

Tell her to google 'things a WS should do' and to read the wayward forum on survivinginfidelity.com ...... IF she wants to help you heal she WILL do it.

You're in the driving seat... so make your demands of her to do the heavy lifting, as she caused this mess.

[sandylee1]

Is she really that great that you would debase yourself for her? You have all the classic symptoms of being a white knight trying to save the princess from the dragon.

 

If she wants to take it slow, get the divorce proceedings started, because that is also a slow process also. It's a race to the finish, see which side gets there 1st. Sorry to be brutal but you've been slapped in the face so many times you don't even feel it anymore.

 

BTW, I doubt she was this slow getting the OM into bed with her.

 

Of course she wasn't this slow because the OM put on the charm heavily and whispered sweet nothings about how good he could make her feel.

[Ladyjane14]

When my wife has been responsible for the extreme pain that she caused me, and if she truly is suffering guilt, why would it not be reasonable to expect (not demand) that she do passionate sexual acts (which even she might enjoy, like wearing sexy lingerie and modeling like a porn star showing her beautiful body off for her husband as well as her pleasure) to make up and help me recover from the trauma? What would be wrong with that if our relationship and sex life would only get better AND it would help me recover from the trauma? Would it also not help reduce her guilt from my recovery?

 

Also, why would trust be an issue for her towards me? I don't understand that. She does say that trust is an issue for her towards me, but thats precisely what I don't understand. She was the one who betrayed me, not the other way around.

 

Trust isn't just about believing that your partner will refrain from sexual infidelity. Try What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by John Gottman for a detailed explanation.

 

And you NEVER, under any circumstances, manipulate your partner for a sexual payoff... ever. It undermines the trust in the relationship and keeps you from achieving the emotional closeness that allows for the kind of passionate lovemaking you're looking to happen.

 

Read the book. See what Gottman has to say about zero-sum game theory. Because THAT is what's going on here. You're out for YOU, and she knows it, so it's not coming naturally from a loving and trusting place.

 

Yeah... she cheated. The penance for that, if you want to take one, is divorce. There is no punishment that fits the crime. So, your choices are to either rebuild the relationship from the ground up.. or get out. You're asking her to prostitute herself as a means of staying in the marriage when you're asking her to behave in sexual ways that she's not yet feeling.

[aliveagain]

Do you know how cheap that sounds, your forgiveness is based on the level of depravity she is willing to show you? Exchanging forgiveness for sex is just the wrong reason for staying in a relationship. If your asking her to do things with you she did with other man that she wasn't willing to do with you before is different to what I believe your asking her for. I think you need to talk to a counsellor before you really mess this up any more then it already is. Make sure o/m's wife got your note, try sending it by registered mail so she signs for it.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Trust isn't just about believing that your partner will refrain from sexual infidelity. Try What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by John Gottman for a detailed explanation.

 

And you NEVER, under any circumstances, manipulate your partner for a sexual payoff... ever. It undermines the trust in the relationship and keeps you from achieving the emotional closeness that allows for the kind of passionate lovemaking you're looking to happen.

 

Read the book. See what Gottman has to say about zero-sum game theory. Because THAT is what's going on here. You're out for YOU, and she knows it, so it's not coming naturally from a loving and trusting place.

 

Yeah... she cheated. The penance for that, if you want to take one, is divorce. There is no punishment that fits the crime. So, your choices are to either rebuild the relationship from the ground up.. or get out. You're asking her to prostitute herself as a means of staying in the marriage when you're asking her to behave in sexual ways that she's not yet feeling.

 

It is not about manipulation, but it is about expectation. Expectation that my wife would help me get over the trauma and pain in which I suffer everyday and every night, with nightmares and my body shaking.

 

Suppose I had become injured by an accident caused by my wife. Would it be unreasonable to expect her to help me if she could? Where do those marriage vows come in where the phrase "for better or for worse" is actually used?

 

Isn't me trying to survive the affair and stay in the relationship, inspite of the tremendous pain and suffering, enough of my help, support and proof of trust towards her?

 

She is resisting even talking about the affair anymore, when I still have so many unresolved issues, emotions, questions and so much pain. How do you explain even that level of selfishness?

She has changed passwords for all her devices and email accounts, and she even gets upset if I seek support from a forum such as this, anonomously. She simply expects me to forgive and forget, without even addressing the pain, suffering and hopelessness I suffer most of everyday. How do you explain such a deep level of selfishness?

 

She gets upset and is afraid that I might tell yet another person in my extreme need for support, when I cry profusely, everyday and am in extreme pain. To me, that means that she is so concerned about her reputation that my recovery does not matter to her in comparison. Are all these not signs that I'm just a convenient option for her to keep living her own life without caring about the repercussions of her behaviors? Wasn't even the affair a result of not caring about how this would affect me (when she knew I have a history of depression) and not caring about the relationship either?

[Buckeye2]

I think both aspects are true. She was a victim too (because he did seduce her and make all the initial moves) and she did make a choice too, to accept the temptation (and was selfish too). It just so turns out that she later learnt that she had just been manipulated for sex.

 

You make it sound like the OM was a slick used car salesman that sold your wife a car that she didn’t want. She signed the papers and drove the car out of the lot. How long did she drive it around town?

 

I understand that it’s clear that a salesperson is trying to sell you something. Is it that your wife didn’t understand than men will say things in order to have sex with you? How old is she?

 

When you sign a contract you’re given a few days to change your mind about the deal. This is so people can get away from the high pressure salesman and think about the deal they made. If it’s bad then they can end it. How long did it take your wife to end the deal?

 

 

I found the answer:

 

 

Eventually, this person started getting what he wanted and stopped treating her the way she imagined the perfect man he used to project himself to be.

 

 

She was very happy with the car until it broke down. If the car had kept running she would still be riding it.

Edited December 30, 2015 by Buckeye2

[Naively.Sensitive]

Do you know how cheap that sounds, your forgiveness is based on the level of depravity she is willing to show you? Exchanging forgiveness for sex is just the wrong reason for staying in a relationship. If your asking her to do things with you she did with other man that she wasn't willing to do with you before is different to what I believe your asking her for. I think you need to talk to a counsellor before you really mess this up any more then it already is. Make sure o/m's wife got your note, try sending it by registered mail so she signs for it.

 

This is not about forgiveness. It is about my recovery and sanity. When the thoughts and images of the affair trouble and hurt me at most times in the day, and I'm not able to even function like a normal human being, when my nights are sleepless with terrible nightmares about me getting emotional involved with another woman (because I'm so needy), and she may hold the key to my recovery, the one who destroyed my entire life by her actions and the one whom I trusted for 15 years of marriage, never even eyeing another (real) woman, heck, never even having a single woman even as just a friend (I still don't have a real woman friend whom I can discuss my emotions with), and if she still does not want to help me in some ways, then what does that really say about how she views our relationship anyway?

 

If she is not even confidently moving back into the bedroom, let alone sex, and her idea of helping me is to just make me coffee in the morning and fix some lunch (which I'm grateful for by the way), then really, isn't she herself just living like a maid rather than a passionate life partner who really loves her mate and would do anything to help him recover from the most traumatic event in his life? What should I expect when we really get old and I'm an old man who is becoming slightly blind? What level of support should I imagine then?

 

If she cannot even support me by a trauma that she caused, how will she support me for any ailments of old age that she did not cause?

[Naively.Sensitive]

You make it sound like the OM was a slick used car salesman that sold your wife a car that she didn’t want. She signed the papers and drove the car out of the lot. How long did she drive it around town?

 

I understand that it’s clear that a salesperson is trying to sell you something. Is it that your wife didn’t understand than men will say things in order to have sex with you? How old is she?

 

When you sign a contract you’re given a few days to change your mind about the deal. This is so people can get away from the high pressure salesman and think about the deal they made. If it’s bad then they can end it. How long did it take your wife to end the deal?

 

 

I found the answer:

 

 

 

 

 

She was very happy with the car until it broke down. If the car had kept running she would still be riding it.

 

I think it is partly true that my wife did not understand that "men will say things in order to have sex with you" and its also true that she felt her affair partner (her boss) was a good man who cared about her (until his true colors emerged in which he started to threaten her that she could be fired and did not even ask about a small foot injury she had, among other behaviors that just showed that he was using her for sex).

 

The irony of everything is such that I always cared about her, but did not flatter her or "market" my care towards her. So, I had tremendous care and respect towards her, but did not "sell" anything to her by way of flattering her looks.

On the other hand, her affair partner showed her all the bells and whistles but really did not care about her.

She chose the bells and whistles as compared to the core, raw, undecorated intentions and actions that she already had in her life.

 

She is 37 years old.

 

She was in the affair for 4 months before she ended it.

 

Yes, you are right, if the car had not broken down, she would have kept riding it, and would have continued to betray me. It would have been convenient for her. I don't think I will ever be able to really get over what a bitch she has been. To be accurate, she was a bitch and also a victim at the same time. Maybe it was a misjudgement, but in the process of her misjudgement of choosing this man, she also showed her true values and character (that she did not mind being dishonest and breaking sacred marriage vows and causing possibly irrepairable mental and emotional damage to her husband, who she knew had a history of depression)

[66Charger]

I think I see where you are coming from. You desire that she use sex to prove that she wants you and only you, and that you are not Plan B.

 

However, your focusing on the sex as showing remorse,, will be your undoing. You are using it almost as a weapon. You will forever taint sex. You should stop this immediately. IF YOU WISH TO RECONCILE, seperate your sex life from the infidelity.

 

However you wish to proceed, change course on this approach. Take sex COMPLETELY off the table. Then go silent on the topic. This may go against everything you feel right now, but twisting sex for any reason, other than the joy of it, is playing with fire.

 

This will require enormous strength. But it is time you started showing some.

Edited December 30, 2015 by 66Charger