Dealing with wife's affair.

[Mrs. John Adams]

That may be exactly what some couples need.....it certainly would not have worked for us....but each couple is different. I personally believe that couples need some co dependency on each other....especially when they are both suffering from the trauma of infidelity.

 

I cannot say which approach is best for NS.....

[dreamingoftigers]

I think if the BS takes the "I don't need this c r a p in my life" attitude rather then "OMG I have I fix this" attitude then both parties are better off.

Not sure that means going through with a divorce but certainly detaching and maybe filing would be the way to go... JMO

 

It took that for my marriage to start healing.

 

When I was like, "lets go to counseling, read books, figure this out, having it absorb my thoughts for hours a day" the marriage deteriorated and my husband treated me very poorly.

 

When I stopped wanting much to do with him, he left, and I didn't try to contact him, he would send me messages like "who no email?" Etc. I would just sit back and think, "why the Hell do you think? Why no contact from you for x amount of time you freaking jack-ass."

 

He tried to walk in the door a few times like, "oh hey I'm home now. Everyone get happy. Why is no one greeting me with happiness? I'm home now!"

 

I'd say, "what are you doing here? You haven't gone for treatment or booked counseling or kept in touch with T, and we're supposed to fall all over you? I'm not living like that anymore."

 

And he'd get mad and leave again. It wasn't until close to special days, like T's birthday, our anniversary and my birthday that he would sober up/smarten up for the day or week enough to spend a little time. Then he would try to be home longer than that. Forget it.

 

It hit home on my birthday. I hasn't contacted him about it and couldn't have cared less. That's when he put in for treatment and started a long stretch of sobriety.

 

He resembles more of who I met now.

 

But standing by him and just trying to fix things only said something to him like "I'll shoulder a bunch of the responsibility for you." Well, screw that. I had an alcoholic father. No one could have helped him not drink (or cheat). There's no "we share this together."

 

No, we didn't. We didn't both have a drinking or cheating problem. My husband did. He has the problem and if he wants a family, its up to him to figure out the solution.

 

He's not some "lost, hurt boy" he's a 37 year-old man.

 

Who by his actions was hurting our five year-old (at the time). And she had more fortitude than he did.

 

My daughter BTW had an easier time cutting him off. He told her he would "be back in a few days" and sent for about a week and tried calling her. She was mad. She said straight-up "No! I'm not talking to him until he's back!" That really kicked him down. They were super-close before that. I'm glad she's string and won't take crap from him either.

 

Another thing my daughter did was after his treatment completed and he had been home for awhile, he did something quite nice for her and I said, "wow, that's a nice Dad."

 

She responded, "yes, except when he runs away." Wow. There was a moment of silence and then he talked to her about how that must have really hurt her feelings. Made her scared that he wasn't going to be there etc. So he told her about how he was continuing his counseling etc. To work on the broken feelings he had inside so that he wouldn't run away anymore because he really loves being her Dad.

 

I don't think that would have happened had I still been trying to "fix it all." Truth be told, he was mad as Hell at first that I wouldn't cover for him early on when he would go. He'd want me to tell her things like "he was at work" or whatever. Screw that. My mother used to make excuses for my Dad, well, all the freaking time and STILL does. She said she didn't want me to feel like my Dad "didn't love me."

 

Frankly it was up to my Dad to show me that. And he didn't. He ignores me even when I'm in the same room with him. Sometimes even when I ask how he's doing or say hi. Even in front of people. Years of this really. We have no relationship. But still if I tolerated hearing it from my mother, she would come up with something to excuse it and "reassure me" that my Dad loves me. Frankly, its easier that he probably doesn't. Because then I don't have to do mental gymnastics trying to excuse and justify shyte behaviour from him.

 

So when my husband went to Drunken Stupid Cheat Land to go on rides in the Genital Amusement Park of course I wasn't going to act like "oh T, this is what love looks like." Because it isn't!

 

It's what a disordered brain looks like.

So I explained it like this: "I don't know where Daddy is right now but you can call him.and leave a message if you want."

So she did a couple times (it was cutely heartbreakingly sad). Then she wouldn't hear back for a bit (like a few days) so she would stop wanting to do that.

 

She would ask me why he wasn't there and I would tell her, "Daddy's brain isn't working well right now. He has a problem that runs in our family called alcoholism. It makes you think strange things, like that other people will know that you love them, even if you aren't acting like it. In our family, it is very risky to have alcohol. Our brains don't work very well when we drink. It's a very bad idea."

 

She seemed to really accept that alcohol was the problem, not her. It wasn't a "big shameful secret that we couldn't talk about." And she's asked me and her Dad more questions about it. Even gets that my Dad has issues with it etc. Seems to be pretty clear.

 

But by avoiding the issue.......

 

Well confusion, hurt feelings and a full range of mindf*ck would still be going on.

 

OP, does this look like love to you?

And what do you need right now?

Maybe you need a break from this selfishness before it breaks you down.

 

You don't have to divorce "tomorrow morning" if you don't want to. Everyone can give their opinion. But you are the only one that has to live with the consequences.

 

As well, I learned in my relationship, the more I lean on my husband to do something, the less he tends to co-operate and sees it as criticism. But if I let it be known a couple of times and drop it, he tends to pick it up himself, acknowledge it and get motivated to do something. Kind of like a mini-180.

[thecharade]

Great post, dreamingoftigers. That has been my experience 100%. And it has also been true for others I know.

[Mrs. John Adams]

yes...there are many ways to achieve reconciliation...I only have 32 years of experience...of being happily married

 

But i could certainly be wrong

 

 

ns...we are all still waiting for the results of your MC appointment...please enlighten us

[dreamingoftigers]

yes...there are many ways to achieve reconciliation...I only have 32 years of experience...of being happily married

 

But i could certainly be wrong

 

 

ns...we are all still waiting for the results of your MC appointment...please enlighten us

 

Thread's 45 pages long. I didn't read every post.

 

I spend too much time on here as it is.

 

Sorry if it countered something you specifically underlined.

[Mrs. John Adams]

no problem sweetheart......

 

we all need to handle infidelity our own way

[Naively.Sensitive]

not at all. I think we would be further along, and recovery wouldn't have been as hard, had we both been less co-dependent.

 

7 Years is a LOT of time to spend in reconciliation. I know I won't have the mental and emotional capacity for such a long drawn misery. It would be like a prison sentence for me, for a crime I did not commit.

[merrmeade]

You think then had you just divorced....the healing would have been faster?

Anyone know if there are there statistics somewhere - maybe Shirley Glass - that compare BS 'healing' when they divorce vs when they reconcile?

[katielee]

7 Years is a LOT of time to spend in reconciliation. I know I won't have the mental and emotional capacity for such a long drawn misery. It would be like a prison sentence for me, for a crime I did not commit.

 

It's been a little less than 6 years. Not sure where the 7 came from but any who - reconciliation lasts a lifetime. Making my husband feel safe will last as long as we're married. It's not misery. It's been harder and the repercussions of NOT KICKING EACH OTHER OUT or in-acting a more definite consequence has been trying on my soul. His too, I know.

 

I'm very proud of us. We have weathered what most people have not. Its not perfect but it's likely as good as it can be.

That said, I would NOT STAND for no transparency. Dealbreaker. I'm sure he would say the same thing if the situation was reversed. The question is, why won't you? You may cobble together a recovery with this woman. But months or years down the line you'll be pissed at yourself for not taking a stand. You have to live with yourself forever, buddy. not her.

[Mrs. John Adams]

7 Years is a LOT of time to spend in reconciliation. I know I won't have the mental and emotional capacity for such a long drawn misery. It would be like a prison sentence for me, for a crime I did not commit.

 

My friend....reconciliation lasts THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

So if it is a prison sentence...then get out now.

 

It is like life....we live it one day at a time.

 

I agree with Katielee...Transparency or lack there of would be a deal breaker. If you cannot have step one....the marriage will surely never improve.

 

We are all waiting to hear how your session went.......

Edited January 18, 2016 by Mrs. John Adams

[OneLov]

reconciliation lasts a lifetime. /QUOTE]

 

NS,

 

With all due respect, I really think you're not understanding what this community has been trying to tell you for 46 pages and counting--everything changes. There's no going back to normal because there's a "new" normal. Reconciliation isn't like hockey. She isn't going to the penalty box and when she's released the game continues. In true reconciliation, the game is over and the rules have changed.

 

I really think you believe reconciliation is about her fixing herself. And once she figures it out or a no-nonsense MC scares her straight, you will wake-up and this will all be over. She will be sorry for everything she's done and spend the rest of her life trying to make it up to you. You will effectively have hit the reset button. Except, she will be even more focused on and committed to the relationship. It seems like you believe the only thing you have to do is figure out how to reach her. How can I make her see that she really wants this?

 

The problem is, like we have all stated ad nauseam, you cannot control her decision to want to continue in a relationship. I'm sorry man, but you cannot control another person's thoughts or feelings. Ultimately, she makes the call. It's unfair, unjust, and humiliating. That is why it is so hard to do and not everyone is successful. Divorce is much, much, much easier in a lot of ways. But you must determine if both of you are willing to muster up the strength and courage to go down this long and uncertain road. This road will never lead you back to where you were. If you make it, you will find your destination is the "new" normal.

Edited January 18, 2016 by OneLov

[Mrs. John Adams]

Onelov... This was excellent and spot on.

 

Ns... There has been so much good information shared here by strangers who have walked in your shoes... And who care enough to try to give you insight and help.

 

You seem to be genuinely struggling and we all feel so sorry for you. Yet you cause us frustration because you don't seem to understand what you are being told.

 

I hope your mc visit was enlightening... I hope you found what you are looking for but onelov is right. The marriage as you knew it is forever changed. It can be just as good ... It can even be better... But it will never be what it was.

 

Even though John and I have grown as individuals and have grown as a couple... We carry a permanent scar that will never go away.

 

Now we can let that scar define us as ugly.. Or we can let that scar serve as a reminder of how far we have come.

 

You have to heal from this whether you choose to divorce or reconcile... You will carry the scar forever no matter what you choose.

 

But you cannot reconcile alone and it lasts the rest of your life. You do not wake up and this nightmare is over. You can reach a place where it no longer frightens you... It will go from nightmare to a bad dream... Then it will eventually become an annoyance... But it will not consume you like it does now.

 

Please tell us how the mc went... We are all very interested in what you have to share.

[Naively.Sensitive]

I thought I would post my experience of the marriage counseling.

 

I will post only relevant details.

 

I arrived first at the office. My wife was going to come soon after her meeting at work, so she arrived after me. She arrived a few minutes late, but the counselor was late as well (by about 7-10 minutes)

 

I was in an emotional and mental mess, lost in thought and felt a lot of pain, never imagining that I would be a victim of such a crisis in my life.

My wife seemed more in control of her emotional and mental state. She put her fingers through my hair, straightening a few awkward strands. I had not taken a shower that morning, so I was a little unshaven and my hair wasn't combed.

 

The counselor obviously had a smile, with a friendly and positive attitude. I obviously don't expect her to mirror my (or my wife's) emotional state.

 

She ushered us into a private room. An office therapy dog entered, jumping around, and 2 or 3 therapists commented excitedly. I gave out a minor smile and just sat on the couch. My wife was more excited to see the dog than I was (We both love pets equally though)

 

After taking in the paperwork and briefly explaining the privacy policy to us, the counselor told us what to expect in that first session. She would mostly be understanding what we wanted and were expecting, and she would then understand our past lives and current situation.

 

She asked us if we had any questions before she started. We did not have any questions.

 

She started by asking us questions about our current state: Sleep, medication, mental conditions, and if we were thinking of harming ourselves or others.

After all that, she began by asking us why we were there. She asked us what we wanted as an outcome. I told her that I wanted to make our marriage work.

My wife said the same. At this point she did not yet know that we were trying to overcome an affair.

 

She started with me, asking me what I was going through. I told her that I got suicidal thoughts from time to time and could not sleep properly, got nightmares and my stomach hurt every morning.

I also told her that I could not properly conduct my daily life and had episodes of crying everyday.

She asked me what my nightmares were about and I told her that they were mostly about being lost and not knowing where I was, suffering a loss of identity.

In the process of that conversation, I brought out the affair that my wife had, about a year ago.

 

Then, she switched to my wife and asked her, her side of things, what she suffered, etc. My wife also mentioned that she could not sleep properly, was anxious about the future, etc.

 

At this point my wife started to bring out her "victimization", saying that she had been though power abuse and sexual victimization. To that, the counselor responded that it does happen to women, and very much more to women than men. She said that its rare for it to happen to men. Her subsequent comment was that my wife did the "wrong" thing, so even though this does happen, it was wrong of her to have the affair.

Then, the counselor asked about my wife's childhood. What came out was her father who protected her brother who was physically abusive to her and the rest of the women in the family. She then brought out that she used to be afraid of me in our marriage because I used to get angry with her and was passively aggressive towards her, citing an example in which I did not talk to her for a week when she had a minor accident in which my car was banged on the side while she parked the car in our garage, in the first few years of our marriage. She commented that over the years I had changed since then and was more tolerating since then.

She also brought out that she felt financially controlled by me.

 

To that I commented that I already made major changes since 6 months ago, where I did not even know what my wife spent on (from her own paychecks) and my wife corroborated those efforts by saying that "It is true".

 

After this, the conversation switched back to me and I was asked about my childhood. I brought out that I had been through a painful childhood, with my father having had an affair, my mother having had feelings for a childhood friend, my brother also having had affairs, and the fact that I had seen tremendous turmoil in marriages in the family in which I was brought up.

I brought out the fact that I always told myself that I would never let this happen in my life and exactly that had happened, even though I wasn't the one who had the affair. I also brought out that I was extremely careful in all aspects of life, including being extremely careful about spending money and trying to save as much as I could. That I always dreamt of marrying a princess and fantasized a loyal and loving wife.

That I always dreamt of working hard for a few years, saving enough money and then retiring early, so that I could spend all my time with my wife and the kids, who would also be retired early.

I also brought out the fact that we didn't have a bad lifestyle, having a nice, big house to live in (completely paid for), decent used cars (completely paid for) and took reasonable vacations every year, even though were not lavish. I looked for value in every dollar spent, as a matter of principle.

I also brought out that I involved my wife in every decision and even bought her a Mercedez Benz, just 2 weeks before she confessed her affair to me (I didn't know at the time I bought her the car)

 

After that, she asked what I wanted. I told her that my wife had abandoned me in the last 6 months, so I was not only dealing with the affair, but also dealing with her abandonment after the affair. What came out after that was the fact that we had been through some "hysterical bonding" for the first 3 months, having sex and also the videos. My wife commented that she felt pressured to be recorded on video, just because it was needed for my recovery.

What also came out was that I desperately needed support from friends and family and that some of them knew about the affair, because I told them.

My wife justified the 6 months that she decided to stay away from me in another bedroom, saying that she really needed that to heal and that she felt she would have been dead otherwise.

I also brought out that trust had been completely lost with my wife and that there were some questions and details that she was trying to rug sweep under the carpet.

This is where there was a disagreement that came out with the marriage counselor, because she commented that, "IT'S NEVER HELPFUL TO KNOW ALL THE DETAILS.". When I heard that, I almost got furious and it invoked an emotional response in me and I commented, "I'm sorry, I DON'T agree with that, because initially, I could not even stop the racing questions in my mind. I felt that I was going insane."

The marriage counselor may have realized the extreme emotional response her comment had triggered in me and did not further comment. This was a first indication I may have had of a marriage counselor that would NOT work for me, because I felt that she did not understand what a betrayed spouse can feel about all the racing questions of all the details. Atleast that is my personality, where I cannot move on without knowing that there are no more "hidden secrets".

I told her that I would rather be "shot with all the bullets at once" rather than keep thinking that there was more to come.

I also told her that I was dealing with sometimes not knowing where my wife went (with the kids), out of the house, with changed email passwords, with protected devices, etc.

 

Before setting up the next appointment, she asked both of us to think about (and make a list) what we each needed from the other to make the reconciliation work (in preparation for the next session, in which she planned to address this)

 

After all this collection of information, almost all the time was over and she started to book the next appointment. There was no acknowledgement on her side (the counselor) about any of the pain or anything like that. At that point, I commented that I was willing to take part responsibility in my relationship with my wife not being good, but was NOT going to take any responsibility for the affair. That was my wife's responsibility. After she heard that comment, she turned around, faced us and sort of "nodded" and said that she was not implying that the affair was my "fault".

I suspect she may have just said that to continue to have us as clients and bill us, just to avoid an argument that could possibly end our relationship with her as a client.

 

Can any posters comment on if I have found the wrong marriage counselor?

What can I do in our next session (this Friday) to ensure that the counselor is also going to look out for my needs in the reconciliation process?

Should I directly ask her questions about her own opinions on several things, like who needs to take completely responsibility for the affair and who needs to put in more work to help repair the damage?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Were you satisfied or disappointed?

[Naively.Sensitive]

Were you satisfied or disappointed?

 

I was a little disappointed in the seeming attitude of the marriage counselor, but this was only the 1st session. In the next session this Friday is when I plan to read out my list of what I need for reconciliation. This is where I will also get a true idea of the attitude (from her body language) of the MC towards each of my requirements.

Frankly, I'm also looking for her direct opinion on these requirements.

 

It seems like my wife will accept whatever opinions the MC will herself have, so, in many ways, my wife's opinions may mirror what the MC also thinks.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Atleast that is my personality, where I cannot move on without knowing that there are no more "hidden secrets".

I told her that I would rather be "shot with all the bullets at once" rather than keep thinking that there was more to come.

 

About my racing questions (some of which repeat others which come up and are unanswered), I forgot to mention this detail during the counseling session: (In continuation of the quote above):

 

To that, my wife commented that she had already told me everything there was to tell and that I had recorded several hours of her confession. I agreed that I had recorded her confession, but I also brought out that she had not answered my questions enough about how she truly felt during the affair and that her NOT wanting to talk about it was causing even more mistrust within me.

To this, the MC commented that perhaps I felt like there was more to her experience than she was just telling me.

I nodded and confirmed thats how I felt. My wife then commented that she may have "felt" that she was in love with this man, but it was only an illusion, because everything had been arranged by this man (her boss) for her to be tricked into feeling that, by his manipulation.

When she commented such, I immediately told the counselor that that was the level of honesty I was expecting when she used the phrase "felt that she was in love" and that is exactly the level of honesty I was expecting and a willingness to talk as much as was needed, to resolve all my questions, now and whenever they came up. I commented that this was also very hard for me to talk about, but it was needed by me for full resolution.

[Naively.Sensitive]

This weekend, my wife moved back into our bedroom.

She asked if it was "Ok" before lying down next to me and I just nodded.

 

She then asked for my hand, which I gave her. Then, she wanted to cuddle and I let her. The honest truth is that I still feel pain and anger, but yet, I'm just going with the flow. After spending 6 months alone in the bedroom, (after she chose to leave the bedroom), it is going to be very very hard for me to get any feelings back for her. Still, I'm just going with the flow.

 

So far, she has slept in the same bed as me for 2 nights and 1 afternoon, wanting to cuddle and hug. I simply went with the flow, but the truth is that my feelings for her have not returned in any way.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I was a little disappointed in the seeming attitude of the marriage counselor, but this was only the 1st session. In the next session this Friday is when I plan to read out my list of what I need for reconciliation. This is where I will also get a true idea of the attitude (from her body language) of the MC towards each of my requirements.

Frankly, I'm also looking for her direct opinion on these requirements.

 

It seems like my wife will accept whatever opinions the MC will herself have, so, in many ways, my wife's opinions may mirror what the MC also thinks.

 

So you were disappointed in the therapist... But not in your wives responses?

 

This is not about the therapist... This is about your marriage ... And the possibility of reconciliation. Therapy is to open up communication between you and your wife.

 

When you left the appointment.. How did your wife act? What did she say? Was there any indication of change?

 

Do you see what I am getting at?

 

You are too consumed with the therapists responses instead of your wife's responses.

 

Forget the therapists reactions right now... Whether it is the right one or the wrong one.

 

Concentrate on your wife

[Mrs. John Adams]

Ok you provided a bit more information..

 

Do you think her new response was because of the therapy?

Did you have sex? Or did she simply move back into your room to cuddle?

 

Did she say why she wants to sleep with you?

[OneLov]

NS,

 

I am not going to defend the therapist or tell you what to choice to make regarding who to see for MC; however, I want to give you an interpretation of why the MC is not acknowledging your pain.

 

The reason is because you both told her you want to work on your marriage, specifically, you both desire to reconcile after your wife's affair. That being said, the therapist is guiding you through the beginning stages of reconciliation. Why is she doing that? Because that is what both of you said that is what you were trying to achieve. Please refer to my previous post acknowledging what reconciliation is and is not (i.e. penalty box, reset button).

 

I can assure you that any credible MC you choose will tell you that reconciliation presumes genuine repentance by her. He/she will not instruct your wife to demonstrate immeasurable remorse until you feel you are satisfied. The MC assumes you BOTH want to reconcile and are being genuine in your response to that question. Remember, reconciliation is not retributory. It is a long process that feels in many ways unfair, unjust, and humiliating. It forever changes you both and your relationship; that is why it is so difficult.

 

I have said it before, until she stops with that victim sh*t, I promise you that you will never be able to move on. You will be stuck in this self-described prison. The truth is that this anxiety has nothing to do with the marriage counselor; it is all to do with your the fact you are not being honest with yourself. You know your wife is not a victim. So just be honest with yourself and her and express that sentiment. IMO, you're not ready for reconciliation until you do.

 

And about the details, I agree it is generally not helpful to know all the details. IMO, that is true and it is even reflected in our system of jurisprudence whereby there are rules guarding the presentation (admission of evidence) of such shocking information (.i.e., black-and-white photos of a gory car accident shown to the jury instead of color photos). I do not read her statement to mean that is it is not proper to want to know or should be privy to any facts or circumstances regarding your wife's actions or thoughts before, during, and after the affair.

 

IMO, I believe the therapist may not know that your wife has not revealed ANY details. Again, there probably is a lot of assumption that you two are ready for reconciliation. I am not an expert or know the facts well enough to conclude that you are or you are not ready. I am only restating that you will never be able to reconcile if she does not fully own and appreciate the emotional repercussions of her actions. I do know that therapist shopping will not make her more remorseful or you feel more confident in her sincerity to want to reconcile.

[Naively.Sensitive]

So you were disappointed in the therapist... But not in your wives responses?

 

This is not about the therapist... This is about your marriage ... And the possibility of reconciliation. Therapy is to open up communication between you and your wife.

 

When you left the appointment.. How did your wife act? What did she say? Was there any indication of change?

 

Do you see what I am getting at?

 

You are too consumed with the therapists responses instead of your wife's responses.

 

Forget the therapists reactions right now... Whether it is the right one or the wrong one.

 

Concentrate on your wife

 

You are right in that I should not focus on the therapist's responses. However, what I know about my wife is that she does mirror opinions of others, especially if it is a "professional". Remember, she is inherently a little submissive by nature.

 

Anyway, after the appointment, it felt like my wife was a little positive. She asked if I wanted to have lunch together, and I agreed, but then, because of commitments of having to get back to work in time, we decided to spend some time at home, later that evening, instead of at lunch time.

 

Since the first MC session, she has continued to try to stay positive, although (she already knows) my emotional and mental states have mostly been negative. I find it very hard to hold on to words like "hope" and "faith" when my emotional state is so terribly negative. When she makes big efforts to break through my negativity, I'm able to break through myself.

 

I don't deny that she IS making efforts to reconnect with me. Its just that tremendous more effort seems to be needed on her part, and I'm not sure if she is going to be consistently capable of it. She harbors negative feelings for me too, because of her past perception of me being financially controlling and because I had watched some porn in the past.

[thecharade]

In my experience my anger levels directly correlated to my H's lack of 'owning' his part or hearing me. The more my feelings were dismissed, the more my inner resentment and anger grew. No amount of wishing it away worked. (I was very codependent and wanted a peaceful world, but dang it--I was hurt! And angry!) Your anger is a very important signal to you that you have not been heard and your feelings have been ignored or minimized--please pay attention to that feeling. If your wife is pure and true in her compassion for your pain and in her ROLE in causing your pain, the anger will begin to quiet. Naturally. It can't be forced, so don't bother trying. It will leave you when it should leave you and not a moment before.

 

Emotions just ARE, and we need to respect what they are telling us and figure them out--because they are not always clear. We need to pay attention even when we don't want to do what we know needs to be done when we feel them. Or maybe especially then.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Ok you provided a bit more information..

 

Do you think her new response was because of the therapy?

Did you have sex? Or did she simply move back into your room to cuddle?

 

Did she say why she wants to sleep with you?

 

She was planning to move into the bedroom in any case. It was a matter of time before she felt that she had individually been prepared to handle her own emotions as well as mine.

 

She did not decide as a result of therapy. She had already decided.

We did not have sex, and honestly, I don't think I am ready for it rightaway, and not even sure if she is. Its been 6 months since she chose to move out of the bedroom and at the moment, I can't fool myself (or her) into believing that our relationship has become "normal" again to be able to have sex. To me, sex is a very personal and deep connection, as I'm sure it is to her, and we have not deeply connected as yet.

 

She moved back into the bedroom because she wanted to. Because she wants to make the relationship work. Before she moved back, I had made it very clear to her that she should only do what she wants to, not what she thinks she "has to". She assured me that she would always do what she wants to, so, she wanted to move back into the bedroom. And she wanted to cuddle, but I'm not sure if she wants to have sex. In the past 15 years, she has never explicitly told me when she wanted to have sex. It always seemed to happen somehow. Because the current conditions are so traumatic (atleast for me), I don't know how a sexual reconnection is going to happen in such awkward times.

[OneLov]

Nothing changes if NOTHING changes!

 

I agree, but I fear in NS's situation he is losing precious time and change will soon happen to him instead of by him. Like S2B stated, inaction is doing nothing for you. But I'd like to add that if you do not make a decision regarding the future, she will. And I can guarantee her choice is not going to be staying mired in indecision and anxiety.

 

The greatest challenge a software company has in developing a game is to make a game challenging enough to keep player interested but easy enough to keep the player progressing. Why is that so important? Because there's a profusion of research on human behavior that unequivocally concludes that if a person finds a challenge to difficult or goal seem unattainable, he/she quits. Finished. Done. Over-it.

 

I fear your wife will reach a point where the perception of the task of reconciling this relationship becomes unattainable if you don't do something soon. As you describe, her behavior demonstrates a genuine confusion. If it's not my fault (remember she's the victim) why is he still pissed at me? Why does he say he wants to make an effort (reconciliation) to fix our relationship but says he still doesn't know if he can? First people remove themselves from the source of the confusion because it creates anxiety for them (i.e. Start sleeping in other bedroom). Then they stop investing in trying to figure the problem out or continue to invest emotionally if putting some distance doesn't help. Finally they wave the white flag.

 

If you continue to exist in a state of indecision--she will walk. Don't let this happen by taking some action either toward reconciliation or, if you cannot try to get passed the pain, separation and prepare to see an attorney. It's either now on your terms or soon on hers.

[OneLov]

This upswing in her behavior is probably because she views MC as progress. Finally you decided to do something. Yay! Progress! Goals! But I guarantee you that if you voice concerns and decide to not move forward with MC because you're still unsure of you can get over this and go back to self-described prison state, watch how fast she moves out of the bedroom. NS you need to continue to commit to the choice to reconcile or separate. No in between.