Dealing with wife's affair.

[Naively.Sensitive]

On a completely tangent note, I wanted to ask about some strange new feelings I have been starting to develop:

 

1) Its almost like I'm losing all emotion. Since the last couple of days, I don't cry as much as I used to. I don't feel sad or even happy for that matter. Its like I have lost all emotion and seem to have become "pale" and "numb". Tomorrow is the next marriage counseling appointment, and suddenly I don't give a crap about saving this marriage or anything of that sort. I don't know if this is a permanent condition, because I have never experienced this feeling in almost 9 months, since the time of the affair. Is there any relevance to this feeling? What does this feeling mean and does it mark a certain stage of the healing process?

 

2) I seem to be developing a "don't care" attitude, and it almost feels like if your entire house is burnt down, there is a strange sense of complete freedom, because it feels like I don't own anything and nothing owns me. I did not get a very good evaluation at my job performance for the last year (This is a new job I have been at for a year), and somehow, it does not seem to matter much to me.

 

3) I seem to have developed more of a "live in the present" attitude, not happy, not sad, but just an "existence" type of attitude. I don't have much energy, so I sleep a lot.

 

4) I feel like I have been scrambling to do too many things recently. Reading books, attending spiritual classes, talking to some friends for support, working my demanding job which requires a lot of mental concentration and analysis, cleaning up paperwork mess in the house, reading and posting on this forum,.... I feel like I hardly have any time left and am struggling to do too many things with my limited time. It feels like I just want to drop everything, drop my entire life as it exists and just do "absolutely nothing" in my life.

 

Do all these emotions mean something (in concert)? Can anyone relate to any of this and tell me what all this must be meaning?

[66Charger]

Sometimes enough is enough. There comes a time when you have to realise no mattter how much you love, it is just not going to happen. Too much carelessness.

 

It may simply be time to go.

[Mr Blunt]

BY NS

I have downloaded the book by Linda McDonald and have emailed it to her. If she is truly interested, she will read it.

I will read it too, even though the book seems to address what the wayward needs to do.

 

 

By Mrs. John Adams

The book will take 20 minutes....8 sessions takes 8 hours. So you lose a little time.

I think that you have one chance to revive this marriage even though it is a small chance. You only have 20 minutes and 8 hours to put into this attempt so I hope that you do that and of course your wife must be in this also or you have no chance. Mrs. John Adams has highly recommended the book by Linda McDonald and this book has been very instrumental in her and her husband’s long term R. She and her husband John have one of the best long term recoveries that I have ever read so I hope that you take their advice very seriously if you want to R.

 

 

NS, you made the statement below and I think it is a very important plan for you.

 

Now, its just a matter of healing myself individually, and I'm NOT waiting for her to help me do it. Maybe this is exactly what Life has presented me with, to make me stronger, to heal independently so that I will never be codependent on someone ever again.

In addition to what Mrs. Adams has posted I would highly recommend that you follow up your talk and words reprinted above with ACTIONS! You should get all the help that you can as you have as many problems in other areas as your wife has. You allow yourself to be treated like a door mat and that is ALL on you. If you do what you sated above then it will help you enormously if you D or R. You now know what you have to do so put your talk into action and become a man that respects yourself so that other will respect you also

[Mrs. John Adams]

We all deal with pain differently. I have a feeling that you are disconnecting sub-conscientiously to prevent further pain. We all do it to some degree.

 

I fear because your wife has shown you no movement toward reconciliation....you know deep down she is not going to...and you are preventing yourself from further abuse.

 

Good luck in your therapy today.....and you might want to change the therapy to individual therapy instead of marriage therapy....because i think you might really need an outlet for yourself.

[ShatteredLady]

I've lost all interest in things I used to love doing. I'm also incredibly tired all the time. To be honest I could be very happy sleeping 20 hours a day. Just numb & so very very tired. Just exhausted. Everything seems like so much effort & I find it hard to be bothered.

 

I was blaming my health or putting it down to depression but maybe it is a step forward in this nightmare. I don't know. I wish I could snuggle down in bed & never move again.

 

I hardly slept for ages after this all happened. Mine dragged on for month after month because my H was convincing me that I was crazy & everything was my fault. I was fighting through my physical & emotional pain & had this really intense energy & anxiety. Now it's the opposite!

 

I'm interested to hear if others have gone through this.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Whether or not you reconcile - I think you would benefit from being independent and happy on your own.

 

Do you work out?

 

Do you have an artistic outlet?

 

Do you read and learn and grow as an individual every day?

 

I think these are important components to being a happy, independent person no matter what the circumstances.

 

Dear S2B,

 

On mosts of your posts, I tend to resist the conclusions you draw and tend to disagree with you, but this is one of those posts in which I completely want to try everything you think I need, because I know what you are saying is true.

 

I don't work out. Honestly, I find it very boring, so I have to find a way to make it more interesting and entertaining, because I know that working out is good for me and I need it. I'm thinking of finding an activity or sport that I like, which would work me out as a result of the enjoyment of the sport. I love swimming! However, the weather outside in winter months (November to March perhaps) is cold sometimes, and this is hard to do (ranges from 32F to 58F). Another idea is to find an indoor heated pool, but the local YMCA is usually so crowded. Another idea is to just try basic flexibility exercises at home, or yoga, while listening to some music.

 

In terms of artistic outlets, I don't have an obvious talent, but I love listening to classical music (Bach, Mozart, etc.) and think that I my enjoy learning a musical instrument. I don't know what instrument would be a good choice for me to learn and how to decide. I want to learn something relatively easy, so it does not frustrate me, yet, something that would feed my soul.

 

Yes, I absolutely read and grow as an individual everyday. I'm doing that already.

 

Thanks for all your inputs in this aspect of trying to be individually happy.

[ShatteredLady]

I can't remember how old your kids are. Is there a sport or activity that you could take-up with them? I like going on 'nature walks' with mine but I think they're a lot younger than yours.

 

Studying different cultures & sharing that knowledge with your kids, cooking the food, listening to the music, even planning a trip eventually etc is fun too.

 

For me, reading philosophy, sociology focuses my brain & changes my thoughts from 'me' to the bigger things.

 

Yoga is great & you don't have to be good at it! Suffering from chronic pain I learnt that the condition reduces gray matter in the brain. There's some evidence that meditation & visualization actually increases matter so I started doing that a few years ago. There are lots of videos on YouTube to get you started.

 

Yoga, meditation etc has the added benefit of calming your mind etc. all good stuff!!

 

My Dad always wanted to play the saxophone (even though he has no music experience & has missing fingers!) it's part of his "Bucket List". He studied Jazz & took lessons (nearly 70 when he started) & he's pretty good now. He also took-up golf & plays seniors competitions. He has a single digit handicap now.

 

Just throwing out ideas

 

The guitar is something you can pick-up relatively cheaply second hand & can be rewarding quite quickly. Craig's List is great for used instruments. I used to refinish old furniture as a hobby. Craig's List is a treasure trove!!

 

There are lots of arts & crafts that don't require a lot of talent to produce some pleasing pieces. Again YouTube is a good place to research & watch others. I do Art Journaling. It's a form of art therapy & it can be as simple or as complex as you choose & it's a good way to get some feelings out.

 

Please share anything that you come-up with. I'm always interested in finding new outlets

[OneLov]

NS,

 

You don't even need to purchase an instrument. First, maybe try learning to sing? Anyone can do it. You will also learn basics of music theory and ear training.

 

SingTrue is an outstanding free app.

 

SingTrue | VoiceCouncil Magazine

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

Newsflash: She moved out of the bedroom again, 2 days ago. I think its because of an argument that happened 2 days ago where she hit a major emotional nerve that triggered me.

I saw her dragging a heavy duffel bag out of the house in the morning and looked at her questioningly. She started to justify what it was, swearing that none of our belongings were in the bag, instead, that it contained belongings of a coworker who needed to temporarily store his things while he made an emergency trip out of the country. She probably did not realize what she was triggering, but she began to unzip the bag to show me that it only contained her coworker's clothes!!

I was so upset that I closed the door and she just proceeded to work.

 

Later, I sent her a message in my anger, asking her if there were any other man's clothes in our house that I should be aware of. Instead of realizing the pain she had caused by emotionally triggering me, she started justifying that she had not done anything wrong by helping out a coworker in need. I found it pointless to try to argue with her that it wasn't that she did something wrong (I'm pretty sure she is not sleeping with this guy or having yet another affair), but it was that she was not sensitive towards my pain to realize how she was instigating serious wounds that were still fresh.

Sorry you are enduring this. This could have been easily avoided if she asked you first, I think. Her action is off putting, triggered you, and worst of all, she doesn't seem to "get it."

 

This is the major reason I am on balance against attempting reconciliation, as a general principle. I've never met a woman that was worth enduring this protracted stress. Never. Maybe she exists, but I have never met her.

 

Who really needs the hassle. Start fresh with a new woman. Sure, it may go south, but at least you start genuinely fresh without this very heavy baggage.

 

Good luck.

[turnera]

Another idea is to just try basic flexibility exercises at home, or yoga, while listening to some music.

DDP Yoga! It was created for men, by Diamond Dallas Page. You can really get in shape with it, and it's fun.

Welcome to DDP YOGA - The Most Complete Fitness System on the Planet Created by Diamond Dallas Page

[Gold miner]

I know your pain. I am trying to work out with my wife the effects of an emotional affair that I caught onto just before it got sexual. I will just give you this advice, be all in or get out. If you feel like there is nothing left to give her in your emotional tank, and you sound like now you don't. Then make the decision to do what is best for you and your happiness, and sanity. Take her out of the equation and reclaim yourself. I am committed to my wife and our relationship right now but I told her, I forgive you but I do not forget and I am gone at the first sniff of a relapse into the affair. She will only hear silence.

 

I love my wife and truly want us to succeed but I have made peace with the fact that it is all on her. She must build the trust back up with me, not vice versa. If I cannot trust her, and see reason not to again, Gone. That is not to say that I do not have things to do also since we were starting to drift apart after 17 years. I have also looked at this and made changes to what I do for myself and for us. I am using the experience to better us and reconnect with her. Our first marriage (figuratively)died the day I found out, but we are still married and both working to make our new marriage better and stronger. If she fails, I leave with head held high and no regrets. Just remember that if you point your feet out the door, that is where you will head. So make the decision based on logic and evidence.

 

Do not let raw emotion or lack of emotion rule you. Make a list, pros and cons to staying with her, making sure that you place your happiness at the top of whichever side of the stay/go ledger you place it on. Trust or lack of is next highest in the order. Can you ever or not trust her again to a reasonable degree. If no, then go, if you feel you can then try to work it out. Is she contrite and working with you to change. Yes or no. Is she transparent. Is it all about her and what she wants.

 

Build your list and decide. But be prepared to act with 100% conviction either way. Don't hang around hoping, you are both working to make it better, because we all must change to keep a marriage fresh and good. If only one is willing to work to save it or make it grow, get out now.

Edited January 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Naively.Sensitive]

I know your pain. I am trying to work out with my wife the effects of an emotional affair that I caught onto just before it got sexual. I will just give you this advice, be all in or get out. If you feel like there is nothing left to give her in your emotional tank, and you sound like now you don't. Then make the decision to do what is best for you and your happiness, and sanity. Take her out of the equation and reclaim yourself. I am committed to my wife and our relationship right now but I told her, I forgive you but I do not forget and I am gone at the first sniff of a relapse into the affair. She will only hear silence.

 

I love my wife and truly want us to succeed but I have made peace with the fact that it is all on her. She must build the trust back up with me, not vice versa. If I cannot trust her, and see reason not to again, Gone. That is not to say that I do not have things to do also since we were starting to drift apart after 17 years. I have also looked at this and made changes to what I do for myself and for us. I am using the experience to better us and reconnect with her. Our first marriage (figuratively)died the day I found out, but we are still married and both working to make our new marriage better and stronger. If she fails, I leave with head held high and no regrets. Just remember that if you point your feet out the door, that is where you will head. So make the decision based on logic and evidence.

 

Do not let raw emotion or lack of emotion rule you. Make a list, pros and cons to staying with her, making sure that you place your happiness at the top of whichever side of the stay/go ledger you place it on. Trust or lack of is next highest in the order. Can you ever or not trust her again to a reasonable degree. If no, then go, if you feel you can then try to work it out. Is she contrite and working with you to change. Yes or no. Is she transparent. Is it all about her and what she wants.

 

Build your list and decide. But be prepared to act with 100% conviction either way. Don't hang around hoping, you are both working to make it better, because we all must change to keep a marriage fresh and good. If only one is willing to work to save it or make it grow, get out now.

 

I have made such a list, but its based on my current needs, given the emotional trauma that I suffer. Obviously, I will need a lot more now than is considered "normal" in normal life. That includes a lot more time and effort on her part, to make me feel secure in the relationship.

She is being guarded in her efforts, because she says she has been through trauma of the affair too, because she feels she was taken advantage of by the affair partner. She says she needs her own independent healing to be able to realize that I'm not taking advantage of her by depending on her for my own healing.

I am not able to act with 100% conviction and neither is she. That is where we are stuck.

We have agreed to give things time to allow progress. I am giving her some time to be able to express her feelings and fully connect with me and I have made it very obvious to her that I expect a lot more from her than she is currently providing me.

She moved back into the bedroom again last night, after first moving out for 6 months, then moving back for 2 days, and then moving out for 5 days again!!

We have not had sex during this entire process since she moved out (and I'm not saying we should), and all I am saying is that we are both trying to connect on our own emotional terms, not based on the terms of the other person.

 

The fact is that both of us are "working" to make it better (that is putting in the effort), but that effort does not seem to be good enough. For me, a LOT more is needed from her. For her, she is saying that she is trying to meet my expectations, "slowly and gradually".

When I put in the effort, the reality is that it also may not be enough for her, because, for me, its a huge effort to even continue to live in the same house, and to continue to live in the pain and suffering that I am.

That is where we are stuck, and there is very very slow progress, but there is progress.

[turnera]

The reason you're stuck is that she has NO FEAR of losing you.

 

It's amazing how fast wayward women forget all about their 'pain' as soon as they see their betrayed husband visiting a lawyer.

[Mrs. John Adams]

How can you say that she has no fear of losing him? You don't know how she feels and you have never been a wayward wife.

 

I think she has a fear of losing him, of losing her children, of losing her self esteem, of losing her life as she knows it.....

 

You know...way wards...are still human beings for heavens sake.....they hurt, and fear just like everyone else. Did you ever stop to think that maybe she is being CAUTIOUS because she is AFRAID????

 

I remember after my affair...being frightened and scared that at any moment he was going to kick me out....and that went on FOR YEARS.

 

The same insecurities that a betrayed feels...a wayward feels....especially one that wants to hold her family together. In addition to the fear she feels...she is also full of GUILT because SHE knows it is HER FAULT.

 

This woman obviously is struggling....she doesn't know what to do...she tried doing what he wanted...which involved sexual things out of the ordinary for them....she moved out of the bedroom...she moved back....she moved out...she moved back. Do you think this is the behavior of a stable person? Or a person trying to figure out what the hell she is supposed to do?

 

Her husband is angry and frightened and confused.....and she doesn't know how to make things better. I have been there.....I know how it feels. She wants the same thing he does....for it all to just go away.

[drifter777]

How can you say that she has no fear of losing him? You don't know how she feels and you have never been a wayward wife.

 

I think she has a fear of losing him, of losing her children, of losing her self esteem, of losing her life as she knows it.....

 

You know...way wards...are still human beings for heavens sake.....they hurt, and fear just like everyone else. Did you ever stop to think that maybe she is being CAUTIOUS because she is AFRAID????

 

I remember after my affair...being frightened and scared that at any moment he was going to kick me out....and that went on FOR YEARS.

 

The same insecurities that a betrayed feels...a wayward feels....especially one that wants to hold her family together. In addition to the fear she feels...she is also full of GUILT because SHE knows it is HER FAULT.

 

This woman obviously is struggling....she doesn't know what to do...she tried doing what he wanted...which involved sexual things out of the ordinary for them....she moved out of the bedroom...she moved back....she moved out...she moved back. Do you think this is the behavior of a stable person? Or a person trying to figure out what the hell she is supposed to do?

 

Her husband is angry and frightened and confused.....and she doesn't know how to make things better. I have been there.....I know how it feels. She wants the same thing he does....for it all to just go away.

 

She does need to humble herself and show true remorse or NS is going to live in this limbo until he just can't try anymore. Then he either divorces or internalizes the whole mess. They make an unspoken contract like "never do anything like this again and I won't talk about it anymore". I think most BH's do the latter - can't speak for BW's.

 

I think you are giving her too much credit and, right now, NS is overreacting because they are not processing this to each others emotional benefit. They both are trying to read the others mind and do and say what they think that person wants. Couples seem to do this a lot during the phase before they decide to commit do D or R. One of them will break down at some point and get real and it's anyone's guess as to which one of them that will be.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I agree with you and I have said she needs to become transparent over and over and over again. Believe me....I am the first to say she is not doing her part....i have told him to be more aggressive and demanding. I am not giving her a free ride. She has a LOT of work to do....and I would not blame him for leaving , divorcing, kicking her ass out.....etc.

 

NS....has a lot of work to do too. My heart breaks for the both of them....because they are feeding off of each other and not in a good way.

 

I have told him until she takes step one....they will never get to step two. Step one...complete transparency. We still have a wayward wife keeping secrets.

How long do you give her to take step one until you pull the plug?

 

I cannot answer for NS.....

[Naively.Sensitive]

How can you say that she has no fear of losing him? You don't know how she feels and you have never been a wayward wife.

 

I think she has a fear of losing him, of losing her children, of losing her self esteem, of losing her life as she knows it.....

 

You know...way wards...are still human beings for heavens sake.....they hurt, and fear just like everyone else. Did you ever stop to think that maybe she is being CAUTIOUS because she is AFRAID????

 

I remember after my affair...being frightened and scared that at any moment he was going to kick me out....and that went on FOR YEARS.

 

The same insecurities that a betrayed feels...a wayward feels....especially one that wants to hold her family together. In addition to the fear she feels...she is also full of GUILT because SHE knows it is HER FAULT.

 

This woman obviously is struggling....she doesn't know what to do...she tried doing what he wanted...which involved sexual things out of the ordinary for them....she moved out of the bedroom...she moved back....she moved out...she moved back. Do you think this is the behavior of a stable person? Or a person trying to figure out what the hell she is supposed to do?

 

Her husband is angry and frightened and confused.....and she doesn't know how to make things better. I have been there.....I know how it feels. She wants the same thing he does....for it all to just go away.

 

I think this is the likely scenario, not the one that turnera described of my wife not feeling any fear or guilt, although the manifestations on the surface of her behavior don't necessarily reflect that.

[turnera]

Hey, what do I know? The two-plus decades I've been advising people on forums doesn't really account for much. The thousands of marriages I've read about and given advice for. The decades of data I'm using to consider what to tell you...whatever. I'm not a wayward, so what do I know?

 

Go for it. Keep on your track. See what happens.

[Mrs. John Adams]

What you don't know is how this woman feels. None of us knows how she feels. NS doesn't even know how she feels. She isn't here to tell us. The only information we have is HIS perception of her.

 

The perception of a very broken man.....

[Naively.Sensitive]

What you don't know is how this woman feels. None of us knows how she feels. NS doesn't even know how she feels. She isn't here to tell us. The only information we have is HIS perception of her.

 

The perception of a very broken man.....

 

Mrs. John Adams,

It seems like your perception as a wayward wife may be similar to the perception my wife carries, except that certain things don't match.

Like how you said that you took full responsibility (100%) and truly did what was needed by your husband. No questions asked.

If that was the case, I think I may have already recovered, but that is obviously not the case.

My wife seems like this horse that bucks and resists and she behaves like she would rather just sweep things under the carpet and never have to deal with it, or just deal with it once and forget about it.

She says she has read the book "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda Macdonald", 2 days ago, because I gave it to her. I plan to read it tonight.

She probably still does not understand that this is going to take a massive effort on her part, more than she has stretched in the past. She probably needs to understand that it will take years of recovery, tolerating my emotional reactions and triggers and being able to support me inspite of all that. She seems to be making conditions in her mind, like, "If my husband does not condemn me, only then will I be able to support him.". She seems to not want to "face the music".

[Naively.Sensitive]

Hey, what do I know? The two-plus decades I've been advising people on forums doesn't really account for much. The thousands of marriages I've read about and given advice for. The decades of data I'm using to consider what to tell you...whatever. I'm not a wayward, so what do I know?

 

Go for it. Keep on your track. See what happens.

 

turnera,

Please don't misunderstand. I think what Mrs John Adams (and I) are suggesting is that its really not easy or sometimes even possible to assume what a person is feeling inside, and since my wife does not post on this forum, its hard to accurately know for sure what she feels inside.

However, regardless of how she feels, there are certain things that are needed from her to repair the effects of the damage from her affair. Those are non-negotiable and I'm strong enough to recognize that, so I am not going to allow the excuse of "how she feels" to control "what I need to recover". If she does not provide me with what I truly need to recover, then I'm out. Its as simple as that. Its as simple as any relationship should be, because if our needs are not being met, especially in such a crucial time when I really need her, then the proof is in the pudding that this relationship is not working.

[Ladyjane14]

turnera,

Please don't misunderstand. I think what Mrs John Adams (and I) are suggesting is that its really not easy or sometimes even possible to assume what a person is feeling inside, and since my wife does not post on this forum, its hard to accurately know for sure what she feels inside.

However, regardless of how she feels, there are certain things that are needed from her to repair the effects of the damage from her affair. Those are non-negotiable and I'm strong enough to recognize that, so I am not going to allow the excuse of "how she feels" to control "what I need to recover". If she does not provide me with what I truly need to recover, then I'm out. Its as simple as that. Its as simple as any relationship should be, because if our needs are not being met, especially in such a crucial time when I really need her, then the proof is in the pudding that this relationship is not working.

 

You should just get out now then. The bottom line is that she CAN'T meet your needs. I learned the hard way that the whole "unmet needs" school of pop-psychology is hogwash... and I was a true believer, let me tell you.

 

What I found out is that that we're much more self-fruitful in terms of happiness and misery, and that most of it is about our own perceptions. You can CHOOSE to remain in "I'm the victim" mode, perceiving victimization, feeling victimized, or you can CHOOSE to move on to healing, whether you do that with or without your current spouse. What you can't do is choose for the other person.

 

Long and short, if you feel that your healing is dependent upon the external actions of another person.... you're not going to heal no matter what your formerly wayward wife does. You won't have taken control of your own internal perceptions and processed the injury on the inside. You won't have made a choice to heal.

 

I can tell you from experience, that the pain is at it's most unbearable when we fixate on our victimization. I can also tell you that, paradoxically, we can achieve a closer, more fulfilling relationship with our mate, when we stop trying to get him/her to meet our "needs".

[turnera]

so I am not going to allow the excuse of "how she feels" to control "what I need to recover". If she does not provide me with what I truly need to recover, then I'm out. Its as simple as that. Its as simple as any relationship should be, because if our needs are not being met, especially in such a crucial time when I really need her, then the proof is in the pudding that this relationship is not working.

I'm not trying to say I know everything. I'm just saying that there is a very basic, very COMMON psychological background to cheaters. There's a reason it's called the Cheater's Script. Almost to a person, they all follow it. Go through the same rationalizations, they rewrite history to make you the bad guy so they have a 'right' to cheat, they cut off their emotions for you (the female cheaters), they say 'I don't feel it' for their husbands after they cut off the OM...but that is ONLY when the husband makes it clear they want to save the marriage - badly.

 

The OTHER scenario - and I've seen it play out almost every single time - is when the husband says 'you did WHAT?', gets mad, and immediately makes moves to distance himself from her because he can't stand to look at her. And as soon as he does that, she subconsciously goes 'Wait, what? You're NOT my Plan B? I CAN'T do what I want and just waltz back home? Maybe YOU are what I need to fight for!'

 

People don't even know they're doing it. It's instinctual.

 

Does she also have the feelings Mrs. JA suggests? I'm sure. But if you show her you have one foot out the door, her instinct takes over and her FIRST priority become KEEPING you, saving the marriage she threw away. And you become more admirable in her eyes, more WORTH saving. So that the man she doesn't know if she has feelings for anymore becomes the man she knows she has feelings for. Because she sees he respects himself and won't just sit around and wait for her to maybe kinda decide she might want to have sex with him.

 

And if she decides she can't keep up the 'work' to win you back, you're better off knowing.

 

You say if she won't step up, you're out. But does she really know that?

Edited January 24, 2016 by turnera

[Mrs. John Adams]

Mrs. John Adams,

It seems like your perception as a wayward wife may be similar to the perception my wife carries, except that certain things don't match.

Like how you said that you took full responsibility (100%) and truly did what was needed by your husband. No questions asked.

If that was the case, I think I may have already recovered, but that is obviously not the case.

My wife seems like this horse that bucks and resists and she behaves like she would rather just sweep things under the carpet and never have to deal with it, or just deal with it once and forget about it.

She says she has read the book "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda Macdonald", 2 days ago, because I gave it to her. I plan to read it tonight.

She probably still does not understand that this is going to take a massive effort on her part, more than she has stretched in the past. She probably needs to understand that it will take years of recovery, tolerating my emotional reactions and triggers and being able to support me inspite of all that. She seems to be making conditions in her mind, like, "If my husband does not condemn me, only then will I be able to support him.". She seems to not want to "face the music".

 

NS,

 

It took me 30 years to give John all that he needed. I promise you...7 months out we were both still struggling. You seem to have this perception that you wake up and miraculously it is over. It is NEVER OVER. You get better...yes....comfort returns....yes....trust even returns to some degree. But for the rest of your life...it will be there. Even if you divorce this woman and marry another.

 

I dont know your wife....but there is a part of me that wonder because of your ethnic culture...she has a different mindset than i do?

 

The one thing I will tell you that i did differently than your wife....is i became immediately transparent. Your wife is still keeping secrets...and this bothers me tremendously. I do not understand why she is unwilling to tell you all passwords.....give you access to her computer and phone etc. This for most...would be a deal breaker. IF she is not willing to become transparent to help you rebuild trust.....then how can you move forward?

 

I was hoping the book would help her to WAKE up...but alas I am sorry...it sounds like it had no impact. I apologize...I thought just maybe she would be ready to take the first step in helping you to heal.

 

IF she is still only focused on herself....then I am afraid no marriage therapy...nothing you can say or do....will help her. She has to be willing to take the first step....and unfortunately what i am hearing from you is that she cant help you because she is too worried about herself.

 

The bottom line is this....how long are you prepared to wait?

[Naively.Sensitive]

You should just get out now then. The bottom line is that she CAN'T meet your needs. I learned the hard way that the whole "unmet needs" school of pop-psychology is hogwash... and I was a true believer, let me tell you.

 

What I found out is that that we're much more self-fruitful in terms of happiness and misery, and that most of it is about our own perceptions. You can CHOOSE to remain in "I'm the victim" mode, perceiving victimization, feeling victimized, or you can CHOOSE to move on to healing, whether you do that with or without your current spouse. What you can't do is choose for the other person.

 

Long and short, if you feel that your healing is dependent upon the external actions of another person.... you're not going to heal no matter what your formerly wayward wife does. You won't have taken control of your own internal perceptions and processed the injury on the inside. You won't have made a choice to heal.

 

I can tell you from experience, that the pain is at it's most unbearable when we fixate on our victimization. I can also tell you that, paradoxically, we can achieve a closer, more fulfilling relationship with our mate, when we stop trying to get him/her to meet our "needs".

 

I have heard this is true from many people, however, I suffer from these emotional traps:

 

If I try to heal independently of her (which I was forced to do for the last 6 months since she moved out of the bedroom), I have not been successful. This has resulted in the perception that I need my wife's support to heal. When my wife did support me (in the initial 3 months), I felt "much" better and more confident that I would recover. Now, without my wife's support in the last 6 months, my emotional state seems to have weakened. Also, if I do eventually succeed in healing independently of her, the primary emotion that I "think" I will suffer (in the future), is that I may feel that she did not support me at a time that a needed her the most. This may create another layer of resentment towards her in our future relationship.

Also, another feeling I get is this: If it were really possible for people to heal independently of their wayward spouse, then, why is the relationship needed in the first place? I mean what is the point of any relationship in which a spouse cannot support you to the level that is needed?

 

Maybe I can give up that fantasy of a wife always being capable of supporting her husband, but what if I'm not able to independently heal to begin with? Are there people like that who are just not capable of healing themselves independently, and am I one such person? Are there other people who are just not able to get over this independently, no matter how hard they try, but they "think" they can get over it so they keep trying?

How would I "really" know if I'm capable of it or not, other than "trying" to be capable of it?