Dealing with wife's affair.

[Mr Blunt]

BY NS

What HAS been on the top of my list however, has been the need for her to truly understand how badly I have been damaged and the need for her support in my recovery.

 

In your many posts you have told us, and her actions have proved you right, that she is not fulfilling your top priority as you have stated above.

It seems like that you are going to just wait some more and hope that she changes and fulfills what you want. You have been given a whole lot of advice from people that have been where you are and are years ahead of you. You seem to be so needy and weak that you cannot take the strong actions that you have been given by the posters on this thread. That is one reason that I have advocated that you concentrate on yourself so that you can get stronger and then you may be able to help your wife. You getting stronger will help you no matter which way you choose to go.

 

 

 

It is very obvious that your wife is not helping you enough right now so you tell us what you are going to do because it does us no good to repeat what we have said for hundreds of posts.

 

 

WHAT IS YOUR PLAN OF ACTION?

 

 

 

 

If we know what you are doing in your plan then maybe we can help you in some way.

[ShatteredLady]

Waiting for a WS to truly, completely & utterly 'get', I'm mean really understand on every level how much they have shattered us is futile.

 

I've always considered myself a very empathic person. Even watching my uncle fall apart from his wife's adultery didn't even start to prepare me for it! I am forever changed as a human being.

 

I know that one can argue that no person can ever know what it's like to walk a mile in your proverbial but some things in life are just so unimaginably HUGE & spirit devouringly cruel that you honestly can't begin to understand until you've lived it.

 

WS's couldn't do it if they had the slightest idea. I don't think they can begin to accept that they have committed such heinous abuse for many, many years, if ever.

 

They're like everyone else who has never been cheated on....they get that we're hurting but why can't we just get over it already?? AND they're hurting & they're defensive & they're self indulgent in their own hurt & guilt & shame AND they've been rewriting history & festering in such a high & exciting reality that 'coming down is hitting them hard....

 

The BS can only imagine what they're going through & the WS can only guess our pain.

 

It takes a very strong person to accept that they're feelings don't really mean diddly-squat at the moment because they have committed unspeakable agony on the BS & only they can provide what we really need so they should 'suck it up' because pitying them (& I do feel desperately sorry for my H) only adds another stress to the BS when they're already hanging on by their fingertips!

 

I think if a BS truly wants reconciliation they have to accept that they're expecting that 'very strong person' from a WS who is deeply flawed & damaged from what they've done.

 

I don't know! AND I don't think that divorce magically takes all of this pain away. I deeply love my H & my family. Wouldn't shattering that just add another level of agony to the nightmare that's my life & the OPs life already?

[BetrayedH]

I don't know! AND I don't think that divorce magically takes all of this pain away. I deeply love my H & my family. Wouldn't shattering that just add another level of agony to the nightmare that's my life & the OPs life already?

 

This is just my personal experience.

 

Filing for divorce did not magically take all of the pain away. However, I also would not say that it added another level of agony.

 

To be honest, when I finally decided that I was going to file, it was the biggest relief I think I had ever experienced in my life. While I knew that things would be tough, I also knew that the agony of trying to reconcile with an unremorseful wayward was OVER. It was liberating to know that that particular nightmare scenario was done. Suddenly, my life was mine, to do with as I chose.

 

Realistically though, many challenges remained. I had to handle moving out, processing a divorce, explaining to the kids, etc. And I knew I was going to be carrying around some relationship baggage for a while. It wasn't simple and it still took me about 2 more years to regain myself. But I did. And it started that one day that I finally decided that I was done. That was the beginning of the end. The torture was over.

[understand50]

NS,

 

I guess what is here, is that your wife is who she is and will not change. As Mrs John Adams stated so well, you are left with accepting that this is what it is and moving on as best you can, or leaving. I think in many ways you a wallowing in what has happened and not looking at action to change the situation.

 

I am for reconciliation, when it is what BOTH want and both will work hard. As you have written, what your wife is doing may be all she can. Again, to use, Mrs J Adams, she did all she knew to do at the time, until John looking to try and find what he needed gave her a book, and she had more understanding. This took years, and this is with a wife who was trying to make it as right as she could. They did not have the book, when the ONS first happened. You and your wife do.

 

My wife and I, G/F at the time, were young and I think could get past and go forward, then if we had been married. So, I am not a good example. For her overspending and lying in that regard, recovery has been hard, but good communication and talking has helped get us past that. The one thing that stands out with both my wife and I, the Adams, and others, is that we never stopped trying to be a couple and attached to each other. From what I read, your wife and yourself are not at this stage, and you do not see how this can happen. I think that , this must be the first step, past forgiving and such. You and her must see yourselves as a couple, determined to over come this. Reconciliation is a two way propitiation. Both must want it and both must work at it.

 

If you stay, you must know that the heavy lifting is going to be on you. If you can accept that, then stay if that is what you want. If you can not, you need to try something else. What that something else is, will need to be found out by you.

 

I wish you luck.........

[Mrs. John Adams]

understand50...beautifully said. You are so right....John and i never thought of ourselves any other way except as a couple. We worked...as a couple.....we lived...as a couple.....we win...as a couple.

 

None of us lives life perfectly....none of us...and that applies to reconciliation as well.

 

We do the best we can...with the resources available to us at the time. We make mistakes along the way....we learn what works for us...and we keep on keeping on.

 

Being a couple means ...each has to help....and you cannot make someone else help...if they do not want to. This makes me very sad for NS....because I know he just wants this to be over.....but life is forever changed. It can be good...it can be wonderful...but it is changed.

[Naively.Sensitive]

I have recognized that I'm in need of help and am setting up Individual Counseling for myself. I'm taking on healing myself and not depending on my wife. Infact, I'm going to disregard the fact that I'm married to this woman, because that brings on expectations associated with what a wife would normally help her husband with, in the healing process.

 

Now, 2 more questions..... I don't know if I should just carry on living with her (on the path to reconcile) or just end it and divorce. I'm confused because I'm not sure what the end result of my personal healing will be.

 

Would true personal healing result not just in healing of my pain, but also in me giving up my expectations of my wife supporting me in my healing?

 

1) In the best case, if I stay in the relationship and come out healed and also give up my expectations of my wife as a result of the healing, then it may be conducive to repairing our relationship. This would have then been the right choice and the best outcome.

 

2) If I stay in the relationship and come out healed, but I still have the expectations that my wife should have helped me heal and she didn't, its going to be a tough predicament, because I would then still have to deal with another layer of hurt. I would then also have to deal with the guilt that I allowed myself to stay in a relationship that would not have worked anyway.

 

3) If I divorce, come out healed, and also give up my expectations of my wife as a result of the healing, then this may have been a blunder!

 

4) If I divorce, come out healed, but I still have the expectations that my wife should have helped me heal and she didn't, then this would have been the right choice.

 

How do I choose between staying in the relationship and divorce?

[MuddyFootprints]

I can remember that the first 5 years were the hardest.....just like most experts say....2-5 years.

 

After that it mostly was a once a year DDay anniversary melt down.....for 25 years.

 

John "settled"....I was what I was.

 

And then three years ago he asked me to read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair....

 

and all the lights went off and i finally understood what he was looking for.

 

I am not saying your wife will never give you what you need....But until she is capable of giving you the remorse you are looking for...can you accept her just the way she is?

 

Can you close this thread....and accept your life the way it is?

Or do you remain here asking the same questions over and over....searching and searching for answers that will forever elude you...because you cannot change her to become what you want her to be.

She is what she is....do you want her?

She is what she is...is she enough?

She is what she is....do you love her?

 

That my friend is the bottom line

 

After nearly thirty years, what prompted the encouragement to read that book? Honestly.

[OneLov]

How do I choose between staying in the relationship and divorce?

 

You start by making a choice. Happiness is a choice.

 

You can either continue to cohabitate with this woman and accept the reality that you cannot control how she feels. If you do not like that you can separate. If after separation you really want to go back to this emotional black hole -- go back. If not, proceed with divorce.

 

What you CANNOT do is continue to do nothing and live in denial about your situation and hope she will fulfill all your expectations.

 

Some define insanity as doing the same (in)action(s) and expecting to achieve different results. By asking us what to do over-and-over and expecting we are going to tell you something different is by definition insane behavior.

 

Stop it. Act. Find your perfect wife if this one cannot honestly meet your expectations. But quit hoping for us to tell you she will wake up one day and be that. It's not healthy; it's insane.

 

Best of luck

OL

[merrmeade]

I have recognized that I'm in need of help and am setting up Individual Counseling for myself. I'm taking on healing myself and not depending on my wife. Infact, I'm going to disregard the fact that I'm married to this woman, because that brings on expectations associated with what a wife would normally help her husband with, in the healing process.

I was ready to stand up and cheer! But then there was this:

Now, 2 more questions..... I don't know if I should just carry on living with her (on the path to reconcile) or just end it and divorce. I'm confused because I'm not sure what the end result of my personal healing will be.

 

Would true personal healing result not just in healing of my pain, but also in me giving up my expectations of my wife supporting me in my healing?

 

1) In the best case, if I stay in the relationship and come out healed and also give up my expectations of my wife as a result of the healing, then it may be conducive to repairing our relationship. This would have then been the right choice and the best outcome.

 

2) If I stay in the relationship and come out healed, but I still have the expectations that my wife should have helped me heal and she didn't, its going to be a tough predicament, because I would then still have to deal with another layer of hurt. I would then also have to deal with the guilt that I allowed myself to stay in a relationship that would not have worked anyway.

 

3) If I divorce, come out healed, and also give up my expectations of my wife as a result of the healing, then this may have been a blunder!

 

4) If I divorce, come out healed, but I still have the expectations that my wife should have helped me heal and she didn't, then this would have been the right choice.

 

How do I choose between staying in the relationship and divorce?

Just look at all those hypotheticals! That is NOT "healing myself and not depending on my wife." How can you possibly tie your brain up in so many knots, considering FOUR hypothetical cause-and-effect scenarios that make healing sound like you're getting a tan. The 180 does not include a proviso for what happens AFTER and BECAUSE you've succeeded at the 180. It's not undertaken as a means to an end. It is an end in itself. The 180 is for you to get your sanity back, which you will definitely not do (and the 180 is a counterfeit) creating physics equations about emotional variables and behavioral outcomes!

[merrmeade]

Sorry, NS. I'm just frustrated for you. You sounded so close and then came back with all that intellectualizing. In fact, I think that alone would be a great, great benefit you'd get from therapy. You wouldn't be allowed to lose yourself hypothesizing about this or that impact on several outcomes.

Edited January 29, 2016 by merrmeade

[Mrs. John Adams]

After nearly thirty years, what prompted the encouragement to read that book? Honestly.

 

He gave me the book...

[Mrs. John Adams]

NS....Go to your individual therapy

 

Talk about how to best heal you

 

and see what your therapist recommends you do for your healing

 

The answer may come to you then

 

You try to over analyze everything.

[Southern Sun]

I have recognized that I'm in need of help and am setting up Individual Counseling for myself. I'm taking on healing myself and not depending on my wife. Infact, I'm going to disregard the fact that I'm married to this woman, because that brings on expectations associated with what a wife would normally help her husband with, in the healing process.

 

Now, 2 more questions..... I don't know if I should just carry on living with her (on the path to reconcile) or just end it and divorce. I'm confused because I'm not sure what the end result of my personal healing will be.

 

Would true personal healing result not just in healing of my pain, but also in me giving up my expectations of my wife supporting me in my healing?

 

1) In the best case, if I stay in the relationship and come out healed and also give up my expectations of my wife as a result of the healing, then it may be conducive to repairing our relationship. This would have then been the right choice and the best outcome.

 

2) If I stay in the relationship and come out healed, but I still have the expectations that my wife should have helped me heal and she didn't, its going to be a tough predicament, because I would then still have to deal with another layer of hurt. I would then also have to deal with the guilt that I allowed myself to stay in a relationship that would not have worked anyway.

 

3) If I divorce, come out healed, and also give up my expectations of my wife as a result of the healing, then this may have been a blunder!

 

4) If I divorce, come out healed, but I still have the expectations that my wife should have helped me heal and she didn't, then this would have been the right choice.

 

How do I choose between staying in the relationship and divorce?

 

NS...you are trying to predict the entire course of your life right now, in this one decision. You cannot.

 

Did you know that every single day you can make a new decision?

 

Every day that you do NOT make a decision...you are actually making a decision?

 

And did you know that NEARLY every decision you make is actually reversible? Yes. Most of the time, when we start to go one way, we can stop, re-think, and then go another way.

 

Yes, of course it seems that the choice to "stay married" or "get divorced" is huge and monumental and perhaps entirely PERMANENT. And it is huge and it may well be permanent. But your decisions TODAY are not.

 

So let's say you take some action. Let's say your action is filing for divorce. That action will be met with some sort of REaction on your wife's part (law of nature). You will see what that reaction is. It may not happen immediately, but it will happen. You will see over the next days, weeks, months, what that reaction is. You will see whether you begin to heal on your own, or whether she wants to begin to help you heal. And then you can decide again - let my decision stand, or consider making a new decision (e.g., call off the divorce, if you want to).

 

Let's say you take another action, which is to decide to remain in the marriage. But you do it because you have laid out certain PARAMETERS to your wife, which you require to be met, in order for you to stay married. This again will bet met with a reaction on her part. You evaluate those reactions, over the next days, weeks, months. Will she do what you asked or no? Are you healing on your own or no? Is what she is doing enough for you or no? And then you can take a new decision at that time.

 

In the meantime, regardless of these two things, I encourage you to take action on your own, to help yourself heal. That needs to happen either way.

 

Do you understand? You are not making a ONE-TIME decision today. You are making them every day. But you are also making them by not making them. The best advice I can give you is that you will feel so much better, regardless of what you do, if you DECIDE to take action...whatever that may be.

[merrmeade]

... said this many ways, many times.

 

NS, one thing in my case that it took many months for the therapist to get through was the danger of trying to control my own and others' reactions. You have only your feelings, thoughts and actions. You don't have your wife's. The important thing is to acknowledge and allow whatever your feeling, not repress, control or manipulate it.

 

Eastern philosophy and tradition deals with the aspect of this observer self always there, seeing these feelings and thoughts coming and going, no control (or that would be another actor introduced), no acceptance or rejection, just observing, a presence that is there always. Try to be there sometimes, NS. It will calm and balance you so you can consider and act with more equanimity.

 

I only introduce this idea because I think maybe it's familiar. If it makes no sense, ignore. But if it resonates, it could help you make the most of IC.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Now, 2 more questions..... I don't know if I should just carry on living with her (on the path to reconcile) or just end it and divorce. I'm confused because I'm not sure what the end result of my personal healing will be.

 

You have been in limbo for 9 months, and now you are contemplating if want to continue to ride the fence? What are you waiting for? The 180 eliminates this type of over-analyzing, wishy-washy behavioral patterns.

 

If you are going to do The 180, then you will not worry about divorce/reconciliation matrixes. You begin to live for yourself without the worry and drama of your WS.

 

 

How do I choose between staying in the relationship and divorce?

 

IMO - Your wife has made that decision for you. Fully commit to the 180 and see where it takes you. If your wife "comes around" as a result, then great. If not, then you will have a head start on regaining your independence and sense of self-worth.

[Ramius]

Naive....

 

I am going to just repost what I said 5 weeks ago because it's seems like you are still in the same spot......

 

 

6 months, 12 months, 18 months. It's up to you to decide how much suffering you want to go thru.

 

A remorseful WW cries, begs, and pleads for a 2nd chance. They don't pout and throw a fit because other people found out. They don't move into a separate bedroom. They don't need time to figure out what they want. They do not come up with bull**** rationalizations about why they did it. Or what it means. Or what they think needs to happen to heal the marriage. In short.....a truly remorseful WW does the exact opposite of everything your wife is doing.

 

 

The marriage is dead, she killed it. You are sitting there waiting for it to be resurrected. There not much anyone can say that will change your mind. It's up to you to decide.

 

 

Stay the current course. Waiting, hoping, giving her time and "space" All the while your soul is being chipped away into little pieces. Your health, your job performance, your life....all being damaged day by day.

 

 

Or reclaim your self respect and move on. No deadlines, no time tables, no games.

[Naively.Sensitive]

... said this many ways, many times.

 

NS, one thing in my case that it took many months for the therapist to get through was the danger of trying to control my own and others' reactions. You have only your feelings, thoughts and actions. You don't have your wife's. The important thing is to acknowledge and allow whatever your feeling, not repress, control or manipulate it.

 

Eastern philosophy and tradition deals with the aspect of this observer self always there, seeing these feelings and thoughts coming and going, no control (or that would be another actor introduced), no acceptance or rejection, just observing, a presence that is there always. Try to be there sometimes, NS. It will calm and balance you so you can consider and act with more equanimity.

 

I only introduce this idea because I think maybe it's familiar. If it makes no sense, ignore. But if it resonates, it could help you make the most of IC.

 

I have been using this exact practice, of mindfulness or consciousness of being and of detaching myself from my mind, emotions and body. This has helped me survive, to some degree. This is what I continue to use. That my true identity does not lie in my mind, emotions or thoughts. I try to just "observe" those emotions and try to let go of them, but they are so painful that the mere act of acknowledging them seems to completely alter my state of being into tremendous pain. Then, I try to change my focus after I acknowledge the emotions. Changing my focus proves to be extremely hard, and it does not even become easier with continued practice. I have tried meditation, but it seems like it takes many years and practice to be able to see the true results, so I stopped for about 3 months, after trying for about 3 months before that.

I don't have a hard time being "present" to those emotions, I have a hard time "not feeling the intense pain" when I disengage from being present.

[BetrayedH]

I think a big part of the challenge with reconciling with an unremorseful wayward is that your ego has already taken such a big blow and then, through your own actions, you further damage it by desperately clinging to your betrayer.

 

She disrespected you. And now you further disrespect yourself month after month by continuing to accept less than you deserve. You suffered rejection once and now you accept more of it. It's a travesty that so many BSs fall into this same trap - looking for validation from your betrayer.

 

It's insult after injury and it's self-inflicted.

 

The 180 puts a stop to it. You stop looking to your wayward for anything. And you look inward for validation, pride, and happiness. And why should you lack any self-pride or self-esteem anyway? You didn't inflict this harm. You didn't cause her affair. She screwed up here, not you. Why should her judgment mean so much to you? Her judgment kinda sucks, no? How about you evaluate your own self-worth? Do you deserve an unremorseful cheater for a wife? No? Then why accept it? I'd suggest that you deserve better. You've tried for nine months and it's only been to your detriment. You can be proud of that effort but the time for patience at your own expense is over.

 

Tell yourself you deserve better than this. And back it up by not accepting it anymore. After her affair, you at least deserve a wife that's remorseful and trying her best. But she's not really doing that, is she? She's still focused on herself. Well, it's time to stop measuring yourself based on her standards.

 

You take a stand for yourself. You refuse to accept unacceptable treatment. You respect yourself. And you take control of your life. You don't let her take one more minute of your life. You disregard her crappy opinion and decisions. You make decisions that respect you and of which you can be proud. And when you consistently makes decisions of which you are proud, your self-pride returns.

 

And you begin to heal.

 

If she respects that and changes, maybe she can come along for the ride. If she doesn't, then leave her in your dust.

[merrmeade]

You stop looking to your wayward for anything. And you look inward for validation, pride, and happiness.

How about you evaluate your own self-worth?

This ^^^^ (all that B.H. said), NS. This is what you need to do (it's also what IC can accomplish). It's also a kind of meditation because you have to tell yourself these things every day, almost like a mantra, e.g., I'm worth it - I deserve better - I didn't do anything to deserve this - I want to feel proud, in control - I want to heal.

[Naively.Sensitive]

I think a big part of the challenge with reconciling with an unremorseful wayward is that your ego has already taken such a big blow and then, through your own actions, you further damage it by desperately clinging to your betrayer.

 

She disrespected you. And now you further disrespect yourself month after month by continuing to accept less than you deserve. You suffered rejection once and now you accept more of it. It's a travesty that so many BSs fall into this same trap - looking for validation from your betrayer.

 

It's insult after injury and it's self-inflicted.

 

The 180 puts a stop to it. You stop looking to your wayward for anything. And you look inward for validation, pride, and happiness. And why should you lack any self-pride or self-esteem anyway? You didn't inflict this harm. You didn't cause her affair. She screwed up here, not you. Why should her judgment mean so much to you? Her judgment kinda sucks, no? How about you evaluate your own self-worth? Do you deserve an unremorseful cheater for a wife? No? Then why accept it? I'd suggest that you deserve better. You've tried for nine months and it's only been to your detriment. You can be proud of that effort but the time for patience at your own expense is over.

 

Tell yourself you deserve better than this. And back it up by not accepting it anymore. After her affair, you at least deserve a wife that's remorseful and trying her best. But she's not really doing that, is she? She's still focused on herself. Well, it's time to stop measuring yourself based on her standards.

 

You take a stand for yourself. You refuse to accept unacceptable treatment. You respect yourself. And you take control of your life. You don't let her take one more minute of your life. You disregard her crappy opinion and decisions. You make decisions that respect you and of which you can be proud. And when you consistently makes decisions of which you are proud, your self-pride returns.

 

And you begin to heal.

 

If she respects that and changes, maybe she can come along for the ride. If she doesn't, then leave her in your dust.

 

Thanks for this post. It gives me courage and some strength.

This is a very useful post to me. I will print out this post and look at it, whenever I question my own needs of a remorseful wife (who cheated).

 

What I want to ask again is this.... (Pardon me for yet another question).

If my wife is not giving me 100% of what I need, should I even refuse the 30% of what she is giving me? I'm in this mindset and emotional state in which I feel like I deserve the entire 100%, but I feel so desperate sometimes that I feel like taking anything I can get. I don't know if taking less than what I think I need is going to harm me even more?

 

e.g. Should I ask her to move out of the bedroom until she is capable of giving me 100% of what I need?

Should I reject any efforts of her to reconnect with me "in her own ways"? (not necessarily in the ways in which I feel I need to be reconnected to)

 

Should I ask her to stop fixing me coffee in the morning?

Should I ask her to stop fixing me lunch?

Should I refuse to connect by "superficial" means, like playing a board game, or watching a movie with her?

 

Should I explicitly show her that I don't want her in my life? (until and if the reconciliation is working in the way I need it to work)

[Naively.Sensitive]

This ^^^^ (all that B.H. said), NS. This is what you need to do (it's also what IC can accomplish). It's also a kind of meditation because you have to tell yourself these things every day, almost like a mantra, e.g., I'm worth it - I deserve better - I didn't do anything to deserve this - I want to feel proud, in control - I want to heal.

 

Thanks. This is helping me. I have mentally told myself these things and recognized that it sometimes results in anger. Is that ok and healthy?

How do I deal with the duality of the emotions? (Feeling strength, but also feeling anger). How do I filter the anger out from the dual emotions? (Assuming that the anger is not healthy for me to feel)

[turnera]

A remorseful WW cries, begs, and pleads for a 2nd chance. They don't pout and throw a fit because other people found out. They don't move into a separate bedroom. They don't need time to figure out what they want. They do not come up with bull**** rationalizations about why they did it. Or what it means. Or what they think needs to happen to heal the marriage. In short.....a truly remorseful WW does the exact opposite of everything your wife is doing.

I agree with this...BUT...

 

I'll remind everyone that NS's reaction to her doing just that - the crying, begging, pleading, the hysterical bonding, the filming - was to go, and stay, overboard emotionally. Basically, he freaked her out. She did what you guys are saying for three months, and then she bailed because nothing was changing. He was still freaking her out. So she went to another room to regroup.

 

And he's still doing it to this day.

 

NS, my advice for you is to move out, start attending IC at least once a week, and get a handle on your emotional extremes. Focus on THAT. Your marriage can wait. Fix you.

Edited January 30, 2016 by turnera

[road]

I agree with this...BUT...

 

I'll remind everyone that NS's reaction to her doing just that - the crying, begging, pleading, the hysterical bonding, the filming - was to go, and stay, overboard emotionally. Basically, he freaked her out. She did what you guys are saying for three months, and then she bailed because nothing was changing. He was still freaking her out. So she went to another room to regroup.

 

And he's still doing it to this day.

 

NS, my advice for you is to move out, start attending IC at least once a week, and get a handle on your emotional extremes. Focus on THAT. Your marriage can wait. Fix you.

 

 

 

 

Yes all his actions have done is to make it impossible for his WW to forget the affair.

 

 

For all the OP has done with his demands is that essentially his requests just was making the WW continue the affair. But replacing the OM with her BH and continue to reenact the affair.

 

 

That is not how to recover a marriage.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I agree with this...BUT...

 

I'll remind everyone that NS's reaction to her doing just that - the crying, begging, pleading, the hysterical bonding, the filming - was to go, and stay, overboard emotionally. Basically, he freaked her out. She did what you guys are saying for three months, and then she bailed because nothing was changing. He was still freaking her out. So she went to another room to regroup.

 

And he's still doing it to this day.

 

NS, my advice for you is to move out, start attending IC at least once a week, and get a handle on your emotional extremes. Focus on THAT. Your marriage can wait. Fix you.

 

Tunera....the only thing I disagree with you in this is ...he did not freak her out....this is not on NS...this is on his wife

 

She is LOOKING for a reason...and he is allowing her to get by with it.

 

So she is playing it up.

 

 

 

NS...do not ask her to do ANYTHING for you...good grief!!!

 

If she does not care enough about you to do things for you because she wants to...what in the hell do you keep her for? You actually ASK her to do these things for you?????????

 

Hire a cook and a maid....

 

ignore her

[BetrayedH]

Thanks for this post. It gives me courage and some strength.

This is a very useful post to me. I will print out this post and look at it, whenever I question my own needs of a remorseful wife (who cheated).

 

What I want to ask again is this.... (Pardon me for yet another question).

If my wife is not giving me 100% of what I need, should I even refuse the 30% of what she is giving me? I'm in this mindset and emotional state in which I feel like I deserve the entire 100%, but I feel so desperate sometimes that I feel like taking anything I can get. I don't know if taking less than what I think I need is going to harm me even more?

 

e.g. Should I ask her to move out of the bedroom until she is capable of giving me 100% of what I need?

Should I reject any efforts of her to reconnect with me "in her own ways"? (not necessarily in the ways in which I feel I need to be reconnected to)

 

Should I ask her to stop fixing me coffee in the morning?

Should I ask her to stop fixing me lunch?

Should I refuse to connect by "superficial" means, like playing a board game, or watching a movie with her?

 

Should I explicitly show her that I don't want her in my life? (until and if the reconciliation is working in the way I need it to work)

 

I think Mrs Adams is pretty much on the money.

 

I think it's fair to say to her that this is not working for you. And that you're moving on with your life. You'll be fending for yourself and would prefer to only have conversations that are related to the kids and shared finances.

 

Speak with your attorney first but otherwise you take actions to split your finances. Direct deposit your own check into your own account. Split the funds from any joint checking/savings accounts and close them. And frankly, file for divorce. It'll take a good long while for things to finalize so you've got plenty of time to see if she changes her tune (or more specifically, her actions). There's no need to list your demands to avoid a divorce. She's had plenty of time and been handed at least one book to clue her in. Let her proactively own trying to recover from this mess if that's what she wants.

 

But yes, make your own lunch. Plan your own days. Get yourself involved in what you think will make your second life worthwhile. No hand holding. No sex. Just focus on yourself and your kids. And encourage her to do the same. Stop looking towards her. Look towards yourself. Envisioning a life without her, what do you want from life? Where would you like to live? What will your bachelor pad look like? Personally, I enjoyed shopping at Ikea. It's cheap furniture but looks pretty good. I enjoyed doing my own shopping. I learned how to cook decent food for the kids. I figured out a 50/50 coparenting schedule that I knew would work for both parents. I read a lot about how to talk with the kids.

 

Hopefully you get the idea.