Dealing with wife's affair.

[turnera]

Well, at least you're rising to 50,000 feet. That's the first step in healing. So good on you.

[MadJackBird]

A big step in your healing will be when you don't live with her anymore. You start to re-define your life as a single person.

 

I wouldn't necessarily move out of the house though as there could be some legal issues about that if you get divorced.

 

I'd probably see if you can get her to move out of the house. Keep the kids in the house with you most of the time. Let them stay at her place 1 or 2 nights a week and every other weekend. Start establishing yourself as the primary care giver to the kids. Remember for the kids, it is best to try to maintain routine and some semblance of normalcy. How old are they again?

 

Have you talked to a lawyer to start the divorce process yet?

 

Good Luck

[Naively.Sensitive]

I agree S2B....John and i were just discussing this

 

I can promise you....I f I had moved into a separate bedroom.....and stopped screwing him...he would have kicked my ass to the curb.

I TRIED my best to help him heal...I became transparent....

 

 

 

I cannot imagine that NS has put up with this crap. No transparency...not living in the same bedroom as husband and wife....

 

what the hell are you trying to save?

 

 

Currently, I'm not ready for her to move back into the bedroom. For 6 months it was her decision to live in a separate bedroom. Now, it is my decision to keep her out. I don't want anything from her now, because she is no longer attractive to me. I did not marry her so I could have sex with her in my bedroom. I married her for other things that I thought she had.... I thought she would be faithful, moral, honest, loving and kind. I was wrong on all counts. Unless she proves otherwise, I really don't want anything from her. She is not a person who deserves to be in my life when there are other, much better people than her. Even better human beings.

 

 

If she cannot see the extreme pain and damage she has caused, what would transparency, her being in the bedroom, or screwing her really mean? Nothing.

[Mrs. John Adams]

exactly

 

 

Time to proceed with the divorce I am afraid

 

You have just described a dead marriage.

[candycane82]

Since the last 8 months, I have been dealing with my wife's affair.

We have been married for about 15 years, with 2 kids, a 11 year old girl and 6 year old boy.

She confessed to me one morning, crying. She has asked for forgiveness and wants us to reconcile.

She was seduced by her boss at work, who systematically targeted her. He is a person (acquaintance) known to us and he specifically reserves a position at the company he works at, to hire female employees, so that he can use them. He is a sociopath. i.e. a person who uses people for his benefit, without feeling any empathy about it.

 

He complimented her looks on a daily basis, encouraged her to join the gymn and improve her figure, gaslighted her, invoked her feelings of sympathy for him, telling her a sob story about his wife not treating him well, confessed his own attraction towards her, provoked her by telling her that 60% of America has affairs and that she deserves to be happy and not be a slave.

He had probed our private life to find out about everything that was wrong with our marriage and then used that against her. Things like arguments we used to have about money, the stress in our lives related to our jobs, lack of consistent intimacy between us (We used to spend time together, but not consistently or regularly)

He seduced her and she willfully went into the affair, which lasted for about 4 months. I had no idea ofcourse and had fully trusted her and she betrayed my trust in the worst possible manner.

 

Our marriage wasn't perfect and we had our own problems, but it wasn't so bad that it justified her mental state and vulnerability.

 

I have been completely broken, ever since. I'm a very orthodox and traditionally valued person, even though I grew up in a big city and am very well educated.

Emotionally, I have not been able to handle it and I could never do such a thing (have an affair). It is an unforgivable sin in my mind and there is a background to why this is so, based on my childhood, during which I grew up in the trauma of my parent's affairs. My father had an open affair in response to my mother's feelings for a childhood friend whom she was not married to.

 

After confessing to me, she initially told me only about 1 sexual encounter. She kept the entire truth and tried to lie about it, but then the actual affair uncovered like layers of an onion, only when I pushed her to tell me the truth. There were about 9 sexual encounters. She kept denying that it was an affair and tried to attribute the blame towards the fact that she was not happy in life, in general and to the fact that this person had emotionally manipulated her to get what he wanted. At first it was even hard to get her to understand that it was a choice she made, even though the temptation was very strong by this other person.

Eventually, this person started getting what he wanted and stopped treating her the way she imagined the perfect man he used to project himself to be. She started to realize this after the 4th encounter, but kept going along, looking for another job and for ways in which to end the relationship.

 

The problems we now suffer are many. Truthfully, I don't think I could ever forgive her, because fidelity in a marriage is a core value and is part of my identity and who I am. However, I have been trying everyday, since she told me about this, 8 months ago. To understand my own true self, I have started some yoga and meditation, but it only helps to a certain degree (while I do the activity) and then I'm back in the emotionally strong and debilitating feelings. There are many hours in the day when I can't stop crying and the racing thoughts keep coming again, everyday. I suffer from body pain and trembling, probably because I still may be in the first phase of shock about what has happened, and it has been 8 months.

 

She is suffering too, but her emotions mean more to her than what I'm going through, so she finds it hard to try more intimate things that I feel I need to get over the PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) images and extreme pain.

 

Has any husband of a similar personality as me been through such an affair by the wife? What did you do to recover?

 

I desperately need help, as I have been trying everything..... Visits to the psychologist, joint visits to a marriage counselor, a lot of reading, yoga, meditation, but nothing has completely healed me. Is it just a matter of time for the healing to completely happen? Is 8 months too early? How long may it take to heal, assuming I am able to eventually heal?

 

I'm quite an analytical person, who questions things by nature. I have very high standards of moral values and integrity and am also very honest to myself and others. I'm a realist, grounded to earth and to me, things are what they are, but I understand that perspective comes into play as well.

In my mind, I still know that inspite of all circumstances, it was a choice that she made to go into this affair and I can never justify such an immoral act and the worst possible betrayal of trust. Thats just me. I feel that I could never live myself if I willfully destroyed this one most important belief, which is the core of my identity.

 

Seduced my ass. Give me a break.

 

 

My mom cheated on my dad for about 13 years or so - my youngest brother is the result of that affair but she told my dad he was his kid and he raised him until she left when he was 12 and took him with.

 

 

She blamed EVERYONE else but herself for the affair. It was our (the kids) fault. My dad's fault. Her dad's fault. Blah blah blah wah wah wah bs.

 

 

No one made your wife have an affair. No one made her cheat. Something wasn't making her happy and this guy did. Don't go making excuses for her when SHE chose to go ahead with the affair.

 

 

Divorce her ass. Move on. Figure out how to co-parent the kids with her.

[OneLov]

Currently, I'm not ready for her to move back into the bedroom.

 

 

NS

 

Can I ask you...what you are ready to do?

 

We are almost two months into this thread, and you still have not done anything. You are almost 10 months post dday. This thread is like the movie Groundhog Day. Are you honestly prepared to accept the reality of the situation?

[Naively.Sensitive]

NS

 

Can I ask you...what you are ready to do?

 

We are almost two months into this thread, and you still have not done anything. You are almost 10 months post dday. This thread is like the movie Groundhog Day. Are you honestly prepared to accept the reality of the situation?

 

 

I am ready to do things for myself to recover.

I have NOT still not done ANYTHING, but I have still not done EVERYTHING.

 

 

I am now trying to recover independent of my wife, so that means, I'm disregarding her (like she does not exist), and my relationship with her and just imagining that I have to heal myself.

That should also make the divorce or reconciliation irrelevant.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Well you may be in recovery mode...but this atmosphere cannot be good for your children.

 

One of you should leave.....I don't know your finances....but I do not think this arrangement is healthy for anyone.

[turnera]

so that means, I'm disregarding her (like she does not exist)

That sounds really...mature... more like a Nice Guy who doesn't know how to act with any sense of self confidence. How is therapy going?

 

Or, you could try treating her like a human being but with whom you no longer have anything in common, and extend the mother of your children some sense of dignity. Or are you trying to make them hate her, too?

 

That should also make the divorce or reconciliation irrelevant.

So...your plan is to just live with her the rest of your life and pretend she's invisible?

[OneLov]

. That should also make the divorce or reconciliation irrelevant.

 

 

 

Standing: Shackling Yourself to Your Cheater ~ Infidelity Help Group

 

 

IMO, the choice you're making will not enable your personal healing. The dysfunction and insanity of the situation will cause you to sink further into despair and cause irreparable psychologic trauma to your children. You continue to honor her by accepting this. I hope you find the courage to change.

 

OL

[Naively.Sensitive]

Standing: Shackling Yourself to Your Cheater ~ Infidelity Help Group

 

 

IMO, the choice you're making will not enable your personal healing. The dysfunction and insanity of the situation will cause you to sink further into despair and cause irreparable psychologic trauma to your children. You continue to honor her by accepting this. I hope you find the courage to change.

 

OL

 

 

I suspect you may be right.

I tried doing this just for 1 day today and was not able to. The tremendous pain returned, almost feeling like I have no choice.

[Naively.Sensitive]

I thought you said you implemented the 180...

 

What happened today?

 

 

The car my wife drives broke down last week and is not worth getting fixed. I have been helping my wife buy another car, driving her to dealerships.

Just being around her brings back all the pain, anger and remorse.

Today, I was feeling disgusted with myself for not having really known her for 15 years of being married to her, not knowing that she was even capable of being unfaithful.

[bigman1]

Just stop. Don't help her buy a car. You are thinking like a man who is in a viable marriage. You are at the crossroad.

 

Help her buy a car and it is one more debt you will have to pay in the divorce. Alternatively, help her buy the car and it is what a person in a viable marriage does. Which one are you choosing?

 

There is no middle ground. If she needs a car, that is her problem and life in the future as your ex will be filled with tough issues like that. On the other hand, if you all need her to have a car for your marriage to thrive financially, then help.

 

There is no credit for the past. Everything now looks towards the future. Your time to choose a direction has now arrived in a real demonstrative way. Separate beds and stuff is just posturing. Now, you have a real, tangible, significant stand to take. There is no quibbling, half stepping, posturing. Either you help or you say this is where I leave you.

[aliveagain]

The car my wife drives broke down last week and is not worth getting fixed. I have been helping my wife buy another car, driving her to dealerships.

Just being around her brings back all the pain, anger and remorse.

Today, I was feeling disgusted with myself for not having really known her for 15 years of being married to her, not knowing that she was even capable of being unfaithful.

 

This is why you need to speak with a lawyer. I can't believe this thread has gone this far without you taking the steps you need to take to protect yourself, guarantee joint access to your children and begin the healing process. If she is your problem, fix the situation. You can still be a great father and be there for your children, you don't have to be there for her. She gave up on the marriage and you can't fix a marriage by yourself. She has to be as committed to it as you are or your doomed to fail.

 

Would you take your children on a 1000 mile journey in a car that is broken? This is what you are doing in your marriage, no one feels safe, not you, not your children. Stop reading about it and take the action required.

[OneLov]

I have been helping my wife buy another car, driving her to dealerships.

Just being around her brings back all the pain, anger and remorse.

Today, I was feeling disgusted with myself for not having really known her for 15 years of being married to her...

 

So instead of implementing the 180, you're applying the 360?

 

NS,

 

I do not how else to convince you that this standing strategy will not work. You still allow fear to guide your actions. And you continue to swell with pain, anger, and bitterness. Stop hurting willfully yourself.

 

Let's look at this from a practical angle and hopefully you will see why this strategy will never work. Whether or not she puts anything into this relationship, you still provide for her. So why on earth would she put anything into this relationship when she continues to receive the same benefits she would by investing little to no effort?

 

Until you get over your fear, you will continue to emotionally deteriorate. There is no recovery if you stay like this. You will only grow fully of resentment and anger. You lose yourself. No one else will be able to find you.

 

Can I ask why you are afraid of letting go of your wife? Do you believe if you do, she will not come back?

[Naively.Sensitive]

She's a big girl - and it's time she figured out things on her own. She makes money - that car should be with her money and in her name only.

 

This is where you show her that she's on her own from the choices she's made.

 

 

Let her get a car - but don't go with her! Don't help with co mingled money and don't participate!

 

It sends a message to her - that you're stepping away and she needs to figure these things out herself!

 

Stop allowing her to manipulate you. Treat her as she deserves - separately from you and your decisions.

 

Keep things separated - because they will eventually get divided up anyway when/if you divorce her.

 

 

It will be easier for you when you just start telling her that you aren't participating in that and you're going to allow her to do that herself.

 

It's a good place to start sending her a clear message = you want to act like I'm not a part of your life and that's what you'll get in return.

 

 

She's paying for it with her own money. That was made pretty clear upfront. I'm just taking her to some dealerships. She is on her own even as far as price negotiations with the sales people.

The sales person asked me to sit next to them. I flatly refused, telling him that this was my wife's car and her life. I waited in the lobby area with the kids. She landed up not buying the car as the sales person sneakily increased the price.

[Naively.Sensitive]

So instead of implementing the 180, you're applying the 360?

 

NS,

 

I do not how else to convince you that this standing strategy will not work. You still allow fear to guide your actions. And you continue to swell with pain, anger, and bitterness. Stop hurting willfully yourself.

 

Let's look at this from a practical angle and hopefully you will see why this strategy will never work. Whether or not she puts anything into this relationship, you still provide for her. So why on earth would she put anything into this relationship when she continues to receive the same benefits she would by investing little to no effort?

 

Until you get over your fear, you will continue to emotionally deteriorate. There is no recovery if you stay like this. You will only grow fully of resentment and anger. You lose yourself. No one else will be able to find you.

 

Can I ask why you are afraid of letting go of your wife? Do you believe if you do, she will not come back?

 

 

She not having a car is inconvenient to the family, as I need to drop the kids in the morning and then also pick them up and pick her up.

Its in the interest of the family that I'm simply driving her to the dealerships.

 

 

I am not afraid of letting her go. I have already started educating myself on the divorce process and expectations, if things still keep going along the same path.

[OneLov]

NS,

 

Because it's convenient for the family? Well there's a lot of necessary things in life that are inconvenient. You're selling yourself short. You deserve better than that.

 

I'd tell her to find a ride. Or take the bus. Actually, I'd say why don't you hit up old duffel bags. He owes you for the storage.

 

Dude, you need to take control of your life instead of putting it in her hands. Come on man, you are better than that; you have a good heart. Give it to someone who will reciprocate that feeling. Find your happiness; don't bury yourself in misery.

 

Choose you,

OL

[merrmeade]

Just stop. Don't help her buy a car. You are thinking like a man who is in a viable marriage. You are at the crossroad.

 

Help her buy a car and it is one more debt you will have to pay in the divorce. Alternatively, help her buy the car and it is what a person in a viable marriage does. Which one are you choosing?

 

There is no middle ground. If she needs a car, that is her problem and life in the future as your ex will be filled with tough issues like that. On the other hand, if you all need her to have a car for your marriage to thrive financially, then help.

 

There is no credit for the past. Everything now looks towards the future. Your time to choose a direction has now arrived in a real demonstrative way. Separate beds and stuff is just posturing. Now, you have a real, tangible, significant stand to take. There is no quibbling, half stepping, posturing. Either you help or you say this is where I leave you.

I don't disagree with any of this or any of the posts urging NS to divorce. They've been gaining momentum for the past so many pages. But I don't believe NS is on board with this consensus, and I think it's moved past him and is no longer helping him where he is. I don't know where he is necessarily but nowhere do I see him agreeing or buying into the plan to leave her. He's taken no steps nor said this is his plan. The title of the thread is exactly what he's doing: Dealing with wife's affair.

 

He's coming here, perhaps, for understanding, philosophical perspective, but I don't see him asking for a plan unless it would be a plan to make her change. I haven't seen him say with any credibility that he's planning to divorce her. When he mentions it, it's more in response to a particular poster's points. Actually it's often occurred to me it's almost out of politeness, to humor and show appreciation to posters.

 

I don't see that NS has changed much from the beginning of the thread and frankly don't see why that's a problem. We give a WS hell for putting expectations on a BS to get 'over' the affair. I thought it was agreed there should be no timeline and, in fact, some will take longer than others.

 

It's just my opinion, but I see this thread moving full steam ahead — without the OP.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Tell me you're not getting her a gift for Valentine's Day...?

 

 

No, I'm not. I can't be that dishonest with myself.

I will start to, next year, if our relationship improves to a certain acceptable level.

[Naively.Sensitive]

I don't disagree with any of this or any of the posts urging NS to divorce. They've been gaining momentum for the past so many pages. But I don't believe NS is on board with this consensus, and I think it's moved past him and is no longer helping him where he is. I don't know where he is necessarily but nowhere do I see him agreeing or buying into the plan to leave her. He's taken no steps nor said this is his plan. The title of the thread is exactly what he's doing: Dealing with wife's affair.

 

He's coming here, perhaps, for understanding, philosophical perspective, but I don't see him asking for a plan unless it would be a plan to make her change. I haven't seen him say with any credibility that he's planning to divorce her. When he mentions it, it's more in response to a particular poster's points. Actually it's often occurred to me it's almost out of politeness, to humor and show appreciation to posters.

 

I don't see that NS has changed much from the beginning of the thread and frankly don't see why that's a problem. We give a WS hell for putting expectations on a BS to get 'over' the affair. I thought it was agreed there should be no timeline and, in fact, some will take longer than others.

 

It's just my opinion, but I see this thread moving full steam ahead — without the OP.

 

 

Its true that my intention is to make the marriage work and repair the relationship "somehow". If there is some way, I want to know what that way is. That is how motivated I am.

 

 

At the same time, I realize that I'm not willing to give up everything about my expectations of a relationship and of marriage. Exactly how much I can give up and for how long is exactly what I'm being tested for. I reach those limits of boundaries almost everyday, sometimes even crossing them. How long can this continue? I'm not sure. I only know that I'm taking it 1 day at a time, and so far I have survived, although my health has suffered tremendously. I have lost weight (which may not be a bad side effect), and my nerves feel like steel everyday. I am now making a conscious choice to not beat myself up.

 

 

While I don't want to take the path towards Divorce (if its going to be me choosing it), and I don't want to give up on my needs of the relationship either, there is actually a middle ground, just to save the marriage... And that is to not connect with my wife on her terms alone, but instead, only connect with her on terms that include both our terms. I think therein lies the solution. If our terms conflict, then we can use the marriage counselor to help us arrive at some consensus on mutually agreeable terms and expectations.

 

 

If she is not able to meet my terms and expectations to the basic level I need, then I can build my walls around myself to protect myself and not hurt myself by expecting her to meet my expectations.... Instead, I can find happiness in other areas of my life. I know that many people find happiness even if they are single, so why not me? Why do I have to define my happiness as being tied to this relationship? What is so special about her that I need to be emotionally attached to her? Only if she gives me 100% of what I really need (and not what she wants me to need and what she is capable of giving), will I take it, but I will not take any half-baked effort of what I need (and hurt myself in the process)

In life's journey, if I come across someone who is really capable of giving me what I need, then I can cross that bridge at that time and let her know, moving out of this relationship, to a more suitable one at that time.

In actuality, I want to rid myself of the codependency of any relationship. Why? Because that is better for me anyway. I can probably give more in a relationship if I don't need much. If I don't need much, then even my expectations will be lower, also possibly lowering my disappointments.

[cgiles]

How goes the 180 ?

 

Did you put your ducks in row ?

 

Two important saying :

 

If you want to save your marriage, you must be ready to lose it.

 

Are you ready to lose it ?

 

The one who is ready to leave a relationship, controls it.

 

It doesn't mean to have a bag packed all the time. Just to stop to be granted. To become emotionally independant, and to be physically attractive.

 

You said you was not working out,as you find that boring.

 

Give a look to couchto5k : C25K: Couch to 5K

 

or to zombierun : https://zombiesrungame.com/

 

Did you read and apply this book : https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

[OneLov]

Its true that my intention is to make the marriage work and repair the relationship "somehow". If there is some way, I want to know what that way is. That is how motivated I am.

 

But that's not your wife's intention (a fair and objective interpretation of your wife's intent based upon the actions you described). In this situation, I'm sorry to tell you there is no way. Everyone here, including myself, has told you that over and over.

 

Merrmeade's right, you clearly are unable to take action at this time. That's ok. I hope you find the strength one day. And with that, there's nothing really left to say about your situation anymore. I wish you the best. I hope you find happiness.

 

✌️

OL

Edited February 14, 2016 by OneLov

[Naively.Sensitive]

How sad this post makes me feel for you.

 

Can you do me a favor? Can you please answer all those questions yourself, for us - the ones you're asking in the 4th paragraph.

 

 

Those are rhetoric questions. The answers are obvious to me.

[Naively.Sensitive]

This thread should be titled:

 

NOT dealing with wife's affair!!!

 

You really haven't imposed any consequences! You haven't taken action to actually CHANGE anything!

 

It's hard to help you when you won't help yourself!

 

Pity party...no action = nothing changes! So get used to feeling like crap every day since this is now YOUR choice since you won't do a thing to help yourself!

 

It's no longer about her at all - it's about you and what you won't do. We are all responsible for our own choices.

 

 

What would be the consequences? Divorce? That would affect a family of 4, so I'm doing everything I can to avoid that consequence.

My goal is to not feel pain and not feel like crap and I'm trying things to achieve that goal. It may not be the same path that others take to reach that goal. You seem to imply that the path you have in mind is the only path to reach that goal.

I'm trying to deal with my feelings and emotions internally, because they are mine and I can have control over how I handle them, if I learn to.