Dealing with wife's affair.

[ShatteredLady]

Even though we all said this was a bad idea you've CONTINUED to see this woman the WHOLE TIME!!

 

I'm not going to get into a debate with a cheater over 'Does your W know?', 'Has it effected the recovery of your M?' 'Is the lady with the wonderful listening skills, compassionate heart & beautiful smile' effecting your thinking!! Etc etc. that lady & her smile has been in your mind for a very long time now!!

 

(Go back a LOT of pages & he's talked about her! It wasn't 'innocent' then & it's not innocent now!! She makes him feel good & attractive.) Ugh!!!!

 

I read this forum to help me grow from the most painful experience of my life & hopefully to occasionally make others feel a little better at their time of need. READ the pain here!! I also read the OW/OM section READ the pain!! I hope some of those poor ladies who "Were just helping the MM get through his divorce" will come here & give you a 2x4!!! Ugh!!

 

There's a lady "Lemondrop" (I think) her thread is "Coming out of the fog" (or similar words) READ IT!!! I feel just as sorry for her as I 'did' you!!

 

I'm just so angry!!!

 

I've been feeling so sorry for you & you're milking your pain for all its worth (not just here).

 

And don't tell me it's FRIENDSHIP! I've read the way you've talked about her TWICE now. It's an ego trip!

Edited February 26, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[OneLov]

NS,

 

I hope you're not doing this to make your wife jealous. If your goal is reconciliation, you need to make an immediate U-turn because you're going the opposite direction. If your want to separate and divorce -- file. What is stopping you?

[drifter777]

I view this as NS & WW are separated although living together. As long as they agree that they are free to see other people than there is no issue. He says his wife is aware of this woman and their coffee meetings so why is everyone judging him? His WW has to understand that this woman is providing NS with emotional support and a pleasant distraction from WW and the whole f'ing affair mess and she' ok with it.

 

As long as it's above board than I don't see it any differently than an open marriage arrangement. The two of them agree on the rules and then they live their lives.

[Sandy43]

Why don't you just call it what it is, a revenge affair. What are you hoping to gain by this? Do you think your wife will suddenly be the spouse you want her to be? This is no solution. Also think about her partner, knowing how your WW hurt you, how could you intentionally do that to someone else? This is disgusting.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Even though we all said this was a bad idea you've CONTINUED to see this woman the WHOLE TIME!!

 

I'm not going to get into a debate with a cheater over 'Does your W know?', 'Has it effected the recovery of your M?' 'Is the lady with the wonderful listening skills, compassionate heart & beautiful smile' effecting your thinking!! Etc etc. that lady & her smile has been in your mind for a very long time now!!

 

(Go back a LOT of pages & he's talked about her! It wasn't 'innocent' then & it's not innocent now!! She makes him feel good & attractive.) Ugh!!!!

 

I read this forum to help me grow from the most painful experience of my life & hopefully to occasionally make others feel a little better at their time of need. READ the pain here!! I also read the OW/OM section READ the pain!! I hope some of those poor ladies who "Were just helping the MM get through his divorce" will come here & give you a 2x4!!! Ugh!!

 

There's a lady "Lemondrop" (I think) her thread is "Coming out of the fog" (or similar words) READ IT!!! I feel just as sorry for her as I 'did' you!!

 

I'm just so angry!!!

 

I've been feeling so sorry for you & you're milking your pain for all its worth (not just here).

 

And don't tell me it's FRIENDSHIP! I've read the way you've talked about her TWICE now. It's an ego trip!

 

I don't think I need to justify a friendship. I can see a smile in my male friend too and be inspired by that. I know how I feel about people. Heck, I even get inspired by our neighborhood cat sometimes. I find the cat graceful. That does not mean anything. It just means that I appreciate savoring what is available in the universe, and I'm responsible enough to know my boundaries.

 

The ego trip would be for someone else if that person cannot bear the thought that I don't need that person anymore. Thats the real ego trip.

As far as lines are concerned, some people even consider a man working hard and very focused on his job as adultery. In the end, we all determine our own boundaries and our own choices. My wife certainly did.

 

My wife has been jealous of me spending time on my computer in the past. Was I having an affair with my computer?

[ShatteredLady]

Talk, talk, talk.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Ns... I never had any intention to cheat. I was feeling like my husband did not care about me any more. What harm could come from going to lunch?

 

Don't you see... It isn't appropriate... It just isn't. You can tell yourself all day long you deserve it... Nothing will happen... But the reality is... You are about to step over a line... Just like me. Just like John.

 

Didn't he deserve to have an ice cream with a pretty girl that made him feel nice while he was so devasted by what I had done? What's an ice cream? What harm can come from just talking and having an ice cream?

 

You are on a slippery slope....

 

I may be on a slippery slope, but I have the character to not slip. There lies the difference.

[ChickiePops]

I may be on a slippery slope, but I have the character to not slip. There lies the difference.

 

This is a line out of a cheaters handbook. Lots people who cheat don't set out to do it.

 

You're acting like a coward. Make a move already!

[ShatteredLady]

So...you've been having 'coffee dates', getting support & sharing intimacies of your marriage for about 7 months. Did this start before or after your wife moved out of the bedroom & stopped complying with ALL requests no matter how extreme?

 

I've suggested several times that you do some quality activities, just you & your children at the weekends. Why don't you cancel your date & take your kids instead?

 

This does answer some of our questions regarding how tightly you're grasping your pain! Your relationship with this OW who's smile is so therapeutic for you is founded on your suffering. You stop suffering & the truth of what's going on could become clearer.

 

You CAN NOT work on a marriage while you are giving your marital intimacies to another woman to judge!

 

She isn't a cat!! She's a human being with feelings, hopes & dreams. I know you want a woman to play Mummy & comfort you. This is so incredibly dangerous to your hopes for R. I wonder why you haven't mentioned her since the first time when we advised you NO!?? We've asked about your support so, so many times... Hmmmm!

 

What's the OW's opinion of your relationship? Does she share her frustrations & disappointments with her bf with you?

[MadJackBird]

Why are you not pursuing a divorce?

[ShatteredLady]

S2B. Quote - "Since your wife won't connect with you - you've replaced her with this new gal."

 

His W did EVERYTHING to help him heal & "connect" for 3 months. He's been leaning on this OW for 7 months. I'm not sure of the timeline. I'm not sure where the connection overlaps.

 

I've had the 'joy' of reading an 'innocent friendship' develop into an affair. Support + Connection + twinkling eyes (smile in this case) that are so easy to appreciate.

 

OP have you told your MC that you're having supportive dates with an OW?

[ShatteredLady]

Ive looked back through this thread.

 

* Your wife did everything to help you heal, including vulnerable sex tapes & recording hours of confession.

 

* She the discovered that you had shared information & details. **(post 79-80)

 

* moved out of bedroom. Demanded you erase the compromising videos.

 

** "As part of that, she knows that I have made some platonic female friends in the city I live in, and I meet one particular friend for coffee. The reality is that I don't have anything emotional or sexual in mind, but have truly made a really good female friend whom I can discuss anything with, even the very same female perspective of things that my wife may hold.

My wife is not happy about such a friendship, but I have made it very clear to her that I really don't care what she thinks anymore

 

So...she 'shut-down when you shared everything with FRIENDS.

[merrmeade]

She has a beautiful smile and she lights up my heart.

Just for the record, you can add my vote to the do not approve camp.

 

I would add that it's disappointing, and it is. Also, hypocritcal and all the rest that's been said, but maybe not so surprising after all. You have been wrapped up in your head like nobody I've ever seen—fantasizing, projecting and idealizing. Now, you're doing the same thing in this direction. Still in your head, and still fantasizing, projecting and idealizing but also rationalizing and minimizing.

 

The mind can make all kinds of things acceptable that you wouldn't have considered. It's already made it okay for you to see another woman on the side.

 

Also, propinquity is a real thing, starting with "we're just friends." The more you are near and opening up to someone, the closer you become. Do you know how many affairs start like this? Did you ever read Shirley Glass' "Not Just Friends"? The next step is justifying going further for all the time-honored reasons—she understands you, you're more compatible, she moves you, you're soulmates and so on.

 

Just remember: Where the heart leads, the mind will follow.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I have been stewing for the past two hours since NS decided he has more Character than I do and is so above me....

 

But John is now home...I have had two glasses of wine... and perhaps I can answer.

 

NS...I have from the beginning feared that when your story ran out of steam...and it had...that you would have to come back with a twist to reel everyone back in.

 

I have encouraged you to seek therapy....we have all asked over and over how that is going and you do not give us an answer....I have encouraged you to spend time with your precious children, to cling to them....a topic you avoid... however you did tell us this week you spend 30 minutes a day with them....geez....i spend more time in the bathroom putting on my makeup than you spend with your kids.

 

many pages back you told us about your special friend....I had no idea that all these months you have duped us into believing you were just so burdened with pain and grief....that you were seeing this woman on a regular basis for coffee and conversation....but here we are...full circle...and low and behold...she lights up your heart....WOW!!!

 

Let me tell you something about cheaters NS....they lie and deceive...mostly themselves....

 

shame on us...we allowed you to lie and deceive us...all of us...who have been torn apart by infidelity....who have wept with you and prayed for you and worked so hard to help you through this terrible ordeal...and all this time...you have sat in your room...feeling sorry for yourself...painting your wife to be a most horrible person....and you are not one bit better than she is.

 

You hurt me NS....yes you did....because you reminded me of how very low i became....but let me tell you something....while you may not have screwed your new friend....you have cheated just like i did......and maybe the only reason you have not screwed her yet is OPPORTUNITY....

 

But you will...As soon as the opportunity comes...you will be screwing her. Perhaps you can film it like you did your wife for the first three months after her affair....every position.

 

You questioned and harassed your wife until she could take it no more and moved out of your bedroom. You placed yourself above her...and came to loveshack crying how heart broken and devastated you are.....all the while....carrying on with a "friend"...having coffee and conversation.

 

and now...the two of you are going hiking together.... and yet you have the gall to say to me you have character?

 

No NS...you are...just like me. We are the same you and i...cheaters.....

 

I have dedicated many hours to this thread and now i feel like i have been played by a man craving attention who has nothing better to do than write a story to make us all feel sorry for him.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Why are you not pursuing a divorce?

 

Because I'm not inclined to part with half my hard earned money to fulfill a contract that was legally but unethically broken by the other party.

And because I will be able to recover from the illusion that I need a passionate relationship with my wife in order to live a happy life.

[Naively.Sensitive]

I have been stewing for the past two hours since NS decided he has more Character than I do and is so above me....

 

But John is now home...I have had two glasses of wine... and perhaps I can answer.

 

NS...I have from the beginning feared that when your story ran out of steam...and it had...that you would have to come back with a twist to reel everyone back in.

 

I have encouraged you to seek therapy....we have all asked over and over how that is going and you do not give us an answer....I have encouraged you to spend time with your precious children, to cling to them....a topic you avoid... however you did tell us this week you spend 30 minutes a day with them....geez....i spend more time in the bathroom putting on my makeup than you spend with your kids.

 

many pages back you told us about your special friend....I had no idea that all these months you have duped us into believing you were just so burdened with pain and grief....that you were seeing this woman on a regular basis for coffee and conversation....but here we are...full circle...and low and behold...she lights up your heart....WOW!!!

 

Let me tell you something about cheaters NS....they lie and deceive...mostly themselves....

 

shame on us...we allowed you to lie and deceive us...all of us...who have been torn apart by infidelity....who have wept with you and prayed for you and worked so hard to help you through this terrible ordeal...and all this time...you have sat in your room...feeling sorry for yourself...painting your wife to be a most horrible person....and you are not one bit better than she is.

 

You hurt me NS....yes you did....because you reminded me of how very low i became....but let me tell you something....while you may not have screwed your new friend....you have cheated just like i did......and maybe the only reason you have not screwed her yet is OPPORTUNITY....

 

But you will...As soon as the opportunity comes...you will be screwing her. Perhaps you can film it like you did your wife for the first three months after her affair....every position.

 

You questioned and harassed your wife until she could take it no more and moved out of your bedroom. You placed yourself above her...and came to loveshack crying how heart broken and devastated you are.....all the while....carrying on with a "friend"...having coffee and conversation.

 

and now...the two of you are going hiking together.... and yet you have the gall to say to me you have character?

 

No NS...you are...just like me. We are the same you and i...cheaters.....

 

I have dedicated many hours to this thread and now i feel like i have been played by a man craving attention who has nothing better to do than write a story to make us all feel sorry for him.

 

Well, then maybe you should equate killing a person and poking that person to be the same thing. Maybe you should equate any weakness and need for support with committing the biggest sin mentioned in most religious texts.

 

If I am the same as you, then you should be just as ashamed of yourself and feel sorry for ultimately forgiving yourself, because you did not deserve it, just as you suggest that I don't deserve it.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Look at the absurdity of the human laws we create:

 

01) If we get married to someone, its legally binding, and its supposed to be a lifetime contract.

02) If someone breaks a fundamental marriage vow, its not illegal.

03) It is legal to break a marriage contract previously understood to be a lifetime contract by way of a divorce.

04) If a fundamental marriage vow does get broken by one person, the other is expected to still hold up their end of the contract, even though the contract itself is legally broken, but in an unethical way.

05) A legal recourse (divorce) is deemed to be the only acceptable response to a legal but unethical break of a legal contract (marriage)

06) The person who breaks the legal contract of marriage unethically can choose to passively consider the contract broken, even though its legally not, but the person violated is still supposed to consider the contract active.

07) A marriage is supposed to be considered an emotional bond when convenient and can be disregarded as an emotional bond when convenient, based on the whims of the person who broke the contract.

08) Its fine for me to feel comforted by real people typing messages on an online forum, but not fine for me to feel comforted by 1 real person who talks to me in person.

09) Its fine for me to be comforted by a special person designated as a psychologist, but not fine for me to be comforted by a person with a real human perspective who does not have that designation.

10) Its fine for me to be comforted by my mother (also a woman), but not fine for me to be comforted by a woman friend.

11) Its not fine for me to seek comfort and solace at all. Its expected that robots also not seek comfort and solace at all. Its known that I'm not a robot. I have a birth record to prove this.

12) Suddenly, after children are born, as human beings we are expected to live our lives to be (flawed) role models for our children (who are also expected to be flawed).

13) We are supposed to have a conscious that helps us decide our boundaries, yet are expected to live our lives based on the most strictest boundaries within the entire population of humanity.

14) A person's intent and personal boundaries mean nothing. A person's character and resolve mean nothing. What only carry meaning is what appears to be outwardly leading to a certain event, even though that event actually has not happened.

15) An event that has actually happened can be minimized under the right conditions of justification and reason.

16) A person is supposed to be fully self sufficient for their happiness, yet needs sliced bread, and needs to depend on an external human race that abuses the environment and consider themselves to be the only important entity in an existence that promises death for each individual in that species.

17) ...

 

If I were to type an entire rule book about how one is expected to live their life, it would be evident how confused, divided and f*ck*d up a species we are. Even animals are not so confused.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Ahhhh, so now this is what it really is about, eh? Money becomes the most important thing - even if it means the whole family looks destructive and broken...

 

Ok, thanks for the story and best wishes.

 

Money is important but not the most important thing.

When I get older and if I need medical care, I don't expect my cheater and unloving wife to suddenly change her colors.

I have to look out for myself as nobody else seems to.

 

The whole family may "look" destructive and broken, but what really matters is our individual happiness, which can still be intact, especially if my wife seems happy, if I'm on my way to individual happiness and if we both spend happy times with the kids, even individually if not always collectively.

 

People who only try to "look" good to the world around them, often land up only looking good, but not necessarily being good. I don't try to keep up with the Jones. Some people do and that is their choice.

[William]

Bumping this up as a reminder.

 

Folks, moderation tends to look in on long threads to see how things are going and this is a long thread, apparently about dealing with a wife's affair and, while reading the last 100 posts or so, one general thought did occur which may be helpful moving forward and to keep members away from the attention of moderation.

 

1. It's often suggested on these forums to take the content one wants and leave the rest. Some members simply ignore content and others take a more active approach, that being putting members on ignore. If one's advice or questions are being ignored by the thread starter, that's valid. Hammering away at them or guilting them into a response is berating under our guidelines and subject to sanction. It's entirely possible that the thread starter doesn't even see your postings, or is ignoring them, and that is their right and privilege.

 

2. No member is required as a condition of membership to adhere to, follow, consider, or even read any posting on this web site. It's completely voluntary, as is every post placed here. Again, attempts to compel a thread starter or bend their will to one's own opinion or agenda is covered under our berating guidelines. Offer your opinion or advice and accept the results. If you have further commentary on the topic itself and wish to offer it, do so. The thread starter posts the topic. Discussion which follows addresses it.

 

I didn't sanction anyone or edit anything, so far, rather am explaining how moderation processes these long threads where repetition may come into play. Any discussion or clarification of this process will occur privately. Thanks for reading.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I think this thread should be closed - there's nothing more that can be said to help this poster and its of no value moving forward since nothing has changed this whole time.

 

I agree.....whole heartedly

[ShatteredLady]

Coming to 1300 posts. Let's do a summary...

 

Your wife cheated. That's horrible, destructive, heartbreaking. We know that agony.

 

She confessed. That's very positive to reconciliation.

 

You subjected her to humiliating acts to 'heal' you & she did it ALL for 3 months.

 

Your wife discovered that you were sharing marital secrets (including the humiliating depths she sank to for you to record in various ways) with your OW & shut down.

 

You've spent well over a THOUSAND posts eliciting pity & understanding from the members here. You've led us to believe that you're so broken that you can't even spend time with your kids or hold your wife's hand, spend your time mourning in bed. In reality you're using your pain to woo your OW into an EA. Blaming your wife the whole time for the distance between you.

 

To heal you need passionate sex & more videos & to heal you your wife wants you to STOP telling your OW every personal detail of your relationship. Neither of you are giving eachother what you want.

 

When we call you out on your behavior & the dangerous direction you are traveling in you AGAIN insult & belittle a cherished member (Mrs Adams) of this forum.

 

Refusing to hear advise, bizarre diatribes on society & laws spew as usual.

 

I have to ask 'What do you want from us?'. Are we just a sounding board for your EA fodder?

 

You won't spend your time supporting your children. Oh yeh that's some societal wrong that demands you be a role model for your intrinsically flawed offspring! You would rather have a hiking pity party with your OW while your wife AGAIN spends the whole weekend providing stability & life for your children.

 

You have repeatedly stated that you want reconciliation. Not sure why anymore, comfort, money, whatever. If you truly want that, STOP your EA, STOP the pity party & focus on your family. (Like Mrs Adams has for DECADES)

[Naively.Sensitive]

I see that some posters think this thread should close.

I'm not saying that the posters have not added empathy, support, value, perspective or advice.

Quite the opposite. I have received some very good empathy, support, value, perspective and advice.

I am gradually moving beyond needing empathy and support, to being able to build myself up.

 

What I'm NOT looking for however, is judgement.

I'm not looking to divorce my wife, atleast as of now.

I am looking to reconcile, not necessarily emotionally fully connect with my wife if I only see continued rug sweeping from her.

 

I am looking for advice, but without judgement, so I think there still is value for me in this forum from selected posters. Especially as it related to personal and individual recovery in which someone is not dependent on a relationship to completely heal, in order to be happy. I'm very open to ideas that foster personal recovery... Things like what works and what forms of it work.... Like meditation, yoga, alternative therapies like hypnosis or NLP, daily living practices, health and nutrition, spending time with the kids in certain ways, time management so I can manage a stressful career, type of individual counseling (if my counselor does not work out), etc.

Edited February 27, 2016 by Naively.Sensitive

[Sassy Girl]

Because I'm not inclined to part with half my hard earned money to fulfill a contract that was legally but unethically broken by the other party.

And because I will be able to recover from the illusion that I need a passionate relationship with my wife in order to live a happy life.

 

God I hate statements like this. You are not paring with HALF OF YOUR money. It's half yours, half hers. Combined, you have a nice life. Split, and she still gets to keep her half. You have yours.

 

If you're

Lucky enough you might meet someone again and combine again.., who knows. Not sure your partnered friend is an option but whatever.

 

Divorce her already.

 

The reason she won't answer when you ask "do you miss me" Is because she doesn't. But if she admits that he gets more of your blatant manipulation and ranting. Youve backed her into such a corner that NOTHING helps her and she has no where to go with this. She probably feels relieved.

 

Stick a fork in this one. It's done. blind freddy could have told you that 84 pages ago

 

Oh wait...

Edited February 27, 2016 by Sassy Girl

[Mr Blunt]

By ShatteredLady

Coming to 1300 posts. Let's do a summary...

 

Your wife cheated. That's horrible, destructive, heartbreaking. We know that agony.

 

She confessed. That's very positive to reconciliation.

 

You subjected her to humiliating acts to 'heal' you & she did it ALL for 3 months.

 

Your wife discovered that you were sharing marital secrets (including the humiliating depths she sank to for you to record in various ways) with your OW & shut down………….

NS does not want to divorce his wife right now because he will have to share his money with his wife. Also he wants to “recover” from his “illusion” about his wife first before divorce.

 

 

NS is having an EA with another woman “friend”

 

 

NS said “I am looking to reconcile”

NS, your wife has proven by her actions that she does not want to do what needs to be done to R.

In addition, your attitude and actions are a huge detriment to R.

 

Under the circumstances above you do not have a chance to R with your wife. Reconciliation is extremely hard and both partners have to be doing a lot of right actions and attitude adjustments. Neither of you are doing the right actions or attitudes but instead you both are doing detrimental things that will prevent R.

 

You want advice without judgment. You have been given advice (without judgment) to seek therapy by MS Adams and others but you mostly avoid answering the posters about your progress in that area. You have been warned by many about you having an EA with your woman friend. One good reason for that warning is that it is impossible for you to have that EA with your woman friend and you being successful with your goal of “looking to reconcile” with your wife. Your actions and attitudes to obtain your goal are not logical.

 

You are convinced that you have complete control over your involvement with your woman friend even though many much more experienced posters have tried to advise you to the contrary. You do not have all the tools to obtain your goal of R or to heal and have a happy life. My advice to you is for you get help from as many competent people that have been successful for years that have been in your position so that you can either R or D. When you get that help then force yourself to follow their advice because they have a much better view of how you can heal than you do.

 

 

You can continue to ignore some of the excellent advice on this thread but you will be the one that suffers.

[road]

NS does not want to divorce his wife right now because he will have to share his money with his wife. Also he wants to “recover” from his “illusion” about his wife first before divorce.

 

 

NS is having an EA with another woman “friend”

 

 

NS said “I am looking to reconcile”

 

 

NS, your wife has proven by her actions that she does not want to do what needs to be done to R.

In addition, your attitude and actions are a huge detriment to R.

 

Under the circumstances above you do not have a chance to R with your wife. Reconciliation is extremely hard and both partners have to be doing a lot of right actions and attitude adjustments. Neither of you are doing the right actions or attitudes but instead you both are doing detrimental things that will prevent R.

 

You want advice without judgment. You have been given advice (without judgment) to seek therapy by MS Adams and others but you mostly avoid answering the posters about your progress in that area. You have been warned by many about you having an EA with your woman friend. One good reason for that warning is that it is impossible for you to have that EA with your woman friend and you being successful with your goal of “looking to reconcile” with your wife. Your actions and attitudes to obtain your goal are not logical.

 

You are convinced that you have complete control over your involvement with your woman friend even though many much more experienced posters have tried to advise you to the contrary. You do not have all the tools to obtain your goal of R or to heal and have a happy life. My advice to you is for you get help from as many competent people that have been successful for years that have been in your position so that you can either R or D. When you get that help then force yourself to follow their advice because they have a much better view of how you can heal than you do.

 

 

You can continue to ignore some of the excellent advice on this thread but you will be the one that suffers.

 

His WW did want to recover. She tried doing all the things he wanted. Though he used the excuse you gave that to the OM you have to give to me to prove that you love me.

 

 

Problem is NS was not honest with himself. He only wanted to do two things. Be able to punish his WW 24/7/365/366 leap year, forever. And, to play the whoa is me victim card.

 

 

No wonder his WW has shut down and pulled away.

 

 

From day one NS was only about wanting to hear approval on the way he was behaving and wanted to do post D day. He never wanted to hear what he needed to be doing.

 

 

And he continues to only be it's all about me and what I want and not learning about what is the right thing to do. This is proved out by him starting out on the road to be an OM and turn his AP into an OW and create another BH victim.

 

 

He does not care that he is going to turn a man into a BH.

 

 

He has no empathy for making this man a BH.

 

 

Yet he endlessly goes on how he as a BH was wrong by an OM.