Dealing with wife's affair.

[Naively.Sensitive]

I have been stewing for the past two hours since NS decided he has more Character than I do and is so above me....

 

But John is now home...I have had two glasses of wine... and perhaps I can answer.

 

NS...I have from the beginning feared that when your story ran out of steam...and it had...that you would have to come back with a twist to reel everyone back in.

 

I have encouraged you to seek therapy....we have all asked over and over how that is going and you do not give us an answer....I have encouraged you to spend time with your precious children, to cling to them....a topic you avoid... however you did tell us this week you spend 30 minutes a day with them....geez....i spend more time in the bathroom putting on my makeup than you spend with your kids.

 

many pages back you told us about your special friend....I had no idea that all these months you have duped us into believing you were just so burdened with pain and grief....that you were seeing this woman on a regular basis for coffee and conversation....but here we are...full circle...and low and behold...she lights up your heart....WOW!!!

 

Let me tell you something about cheaters NS....they lie and deceive...mostly themselves....

 

shame on us...we allowed you to lie and deceive us...all of us...who have been torn apart by infidelity....who have wept with you and prayed for you and worked so hard to help you through this terrible ordeal...and all this time...you have sat in your room...feeling sorry for yourself...painting your wife to be a most horrible person....and you are not one bit better than she is.

 

You hurt me NS....yes you did....because you reminded me of how very low i became....but let me tell you something....while you may not have screwed your new friend....you have cheated just like i did......and maybe the only reason you have not screwed her yet is OPPORTUNITY....

 

But you will...As soon as the opportunity comes...you will be screwing her. Perhaps you can film it like you did your wife for the first three months after her affair....every position.

 

You questioned and harassed your wife until she could take it no more and moved out of your bedroom. You placed yourself above her...and came to loveshack crying how heart broken and devastated you are.....all the while....carrying on with a "friend"...having coffee and conversation.

 

and now...the two of you are going hiking together.... and yet you have the gall to say to me you have character?

 

No NS...you are...just like me. We are the same you and i...cheaters.....

 

I have dedicated many hours to this thread and now i feel like i have been played by a man craving attention who has nothing better to do than write a story to make us all feel sorry for him.

 

Well, then maybe you should equate killing a person and poking that person to be the same thing. Maybe you should equate any weakness and need for support with committing the biggest sin mentioned in most religious texts.

 

If I am the same as you, then you should be just as ashamed of yourself and feel sorry for ultimately forgiving yourself, because you did not deserve it, just as you suggest that I don't deserve it.

[S2B]

Because I'm not inclined to part with half my hard earned money to fulfill a contract that was legally but unethically broken by the other party.

And because I will be able to recover from the illusion that I need a passionate relationship with my wife in order to live a happy life.

 

Ahhhh, so now this is what it really is about, eh? Money becomes the most important thing - even if it means the whole family looks destructive and broken...

 

Ok, thanks for the story and best wishes.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Look at the absurdity of the human laws we create:

 

01) If we get married to someone, its legally binding, and its supposed to be a lifetime contract.

02) If someone breaks a fundamental marriage vow, its not illegal.

03) It is legal to break a marriage contract previously understood to be a lifetime contract by way of a divorce.

04) If a fundamental marriage vow does get broken by one person, the other is expected to still hold up their end of the contract, even though the contract itself is legally broken, but in an unethical way.

05) A legal recourse (divorce) is deemed to be the only acceptable response to a legal but unethical break of a legal contract (marriage)

06) The person who breaks the legal contract of marriage unethically can choose to passively consider the contract broken, even though its legally not, but the person violated is still supposed to consider the contract active.

07) A marriage is supposed to be considered an emotional bond when convenient and can be disregarded as an emotional bond when convenient, based on the whims of the person who broke the contract.

08) Its fine for me to feel comforted by real people typing messages on an online forum, but not fine for me to feel comforted by 1 real person who talks to me in person.

09) Its fine for me to be comforted by a special person designated as a psychologist, but not fine for me to be comforted by a person with a real human perspective who does not have that designation.

10) Its fine for me to be comforted by my mother (also a woman), but not fine for me to be comforted by a woman friend.

11) Its not fine for me to seek comfort and solace at all. Its expected that robots also not seek comfort and solace at all. Its known that I'm not a robot. I have a birth record to prove this.

12) Suddenly, after children are born, as human beings we are expected to live our lives to be (flawed) role models for our children (who are also expected to be flawed).

13) We are supposed to have a conscious that helps us decide our boundaries, yet are expected to live our lives based on the most strictest boundaries within the entire population of humanity.

14) A person's intent and personal boundaries mean nothing. A person's character and resolve mean nothing. What only carry meaning is what appears to be outwardly leading to a certain event, even though that event actually has not happened.

15) An event that has actually happened can be minimized under the right conditions of justification and reason.

16) A person is supposed to be fully self sufficient for their happiness, yet needs sliced bread, and needs to depend on an external human race that abuses the environment and consider themselves to be the only important entity in an existence that promises death for each individual in that species.

17) ...

 

If I were to type an entire rule book about how one is expected to live their life, it would be evident how confused, divided and f*ck*d up a species we are. Even animals are not so confused.

[S2B]

I think this thread should be closed - there's nothing more that can be said to help this poster and its of no value moving forward since nothing has changed this whole time.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Ahhhh, so now this is what it really is about, eh? Money becomes the most important thing - even if it means the whole family looks destructive and broken...

 

Ok, thanks for the story and best wishes.

 

Money is important but not the most important thing.

When I get older and if I need medical care, I don't expect my cheater and unloving wife to suddenly change her colors.

I have to look out for myself as nobody else seems to.

 

The whole family may "look" destructive and broken, but what really matters is our individual happiness, which can still be intact, especially if my wife seems happy, if I'm on my way to individual happiness and if we both spend happy times with the kids, even individually if not always collectively.

 

People who only try to "look" good to the world around them, often land up only looking good, but not necessarily being good. I don't try to keep up with the Jones. Some people do and that is their choice.

[William]

Bumping this up as a reminder.

 

Folks, moderation tends to look in on long threads to see how things are going and this is a long thread, apparently about dealing with a wife's affair and, while reading the last 100 posts or so, one general thought did occur which may be helpful moving forward and to keep members away from the attention of moderation.

 

1. It's often suggested on these forums to take the content one wants and leave the rest. Some members simply ignore content and others take a more active approach, that being putting members on ignore. If one's advice or questions are being ignored by the thread starter, that's valid. Hammering away at them or guilting them into a response is berating under our guidelines and subject to sanction. It's entirely possible that the thread starter doesn't even see your postings, or is ignoring them, and that is their right and privilege.

 

2. No member is required as a condition of membership to adhere to, follow, consider, or even read any posting on this web site. It's completely voluntary, as is every post placed here. Again, attempts to compel a thread starter or bend their will to one's own opinion or agenda is covered under our berating guidelines. Offer your opinion or advice and accept the results. If you have further commentary on the topic itself and wish to offer it, do so. The thread starter posts the topic. Discussion which follows addresses it.

 

I didn't sanction anyone or edit anything, so far, rather am explaining how moderation processes these long threads where repetition may come into play. Any discussion or clarification of this process will occur privately. Thanks for reading.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I think this thread should be closed - there's nothing more that can be said to help this poster and its of no value moving forward since nothing has changed this whole time.

 

I agree.....whole heartedly

[ShatteredLady]

Coming to 1300 posts. Let's do a summary...

 

Your wife cheated. That's horrible, destructive, heartbreaking. We know that agony.

 

She confessed. That's very positive to reconciliation.

 

You subjected her to humiliating acts to 'heal' you & she did it ALL for 3 months.

 

Your wife discovered that you were sharing marital secrets (including the humiliating depths she sank to for you to record in various ways) with your OW & shut down.

 

You've spent well over a THOUSAND posts eliciting pity & understanding from the members here. You've led us to believe that you're so broken that you can't even spend time with your kids or hold your wife's hand, spend your time mourning in bed. In reality you're using your pain to woo your OW into an EA. Blaming your wife the whole time for the distance between you.

 

To heal you need passionate sex & more videos & to heal you your wife wants you to STOP telling your OW every personal detail of your relationship. Neither of you are giving eachother what you want.

 

When we call you out on your behavior & the dangerous direction you are traveling in you AGAIN insult & belittle a cherished member (Mrs Adams) of this forum.

 

Refusing to hear advise, bizarre diatribes on society & laws spew as usual.

 

I have to ask 'What do you want from us?'. Are we just a sounding board for your EA fodder?

 

You won't spend your time supporting your children. Oh yeh that's some societal wrong that demands you be a role model for your intrinsically flawed offspring! You would rather have a hiking pity party with your OW while your wife AGAIN spends the whole weekend providing stability & life for your children.

 

You have repeatedly stated that you want reconciliation. Not sure why anymore, comfort, money, whatever. If you truly want that, STOP your EA, STOP the pity party & focus on your family. (Like Mrs Adams has for DECADES)

[Naively.Sensitive]

I see that some posters think this thread should close.

I'm not saying that the posters have not added empathy, support, value, perspective or advice.

Quite the opposite. I have received some very good empathy, support, value, perspective and advice.

I am gradually moving beyond needing empathy and support, to being able to build myself up.

 

What I'm NOT looking for however, is judgement.

I'm not looking to divorce my wife, atleast as of now.

I am looking to reconcile, not necessarily emotionally fully connect with my wife if I only see continued rug sweeping from her.

 

I am looking for advice, but without judgement, so I think there still is value for me in this forum from selected posters. Especially as it related to personal and individual recovery in which someone is not dependent on a relationship to completely heal, in order to be happy. I'm very open to ideas that foster personal recovery... Things like what works and what forms of it work.... Like meditation, yoga, alternative therapies like hypnosis or NLP, daily living practices, health and nutrition, spending time with the kids in certain ways, time management so I can manage a stressful career, type of individual counseling (if my counselor does not work out), etc.

Edited February 27, 2016 by Naively.Sensitive

[Sassy Girl]

Because I'm not inclined to part with half my hard earned money to fulfill a contract that was legally but unethically broken by the other party.

And because I will be able to recover from the illusion that I need a passionate relationship with my wife in order to live a happy life.

 

God I hate statements like this. You are not paring with HALF OF YOUR money. It's half yours, half hers. Combined, you have a nice life. Split, and she still gets to keep her half. You have yours.

 

If you're

Lucky enough you might meet someone again and combine again.., who knows. Not sure your partnered friend is an option but whatever.

 

Divorce her already.

 

The reason she won't answer when you ask "do you miss me" Is because she doesn't. But if she admits that he gets more of your blatant manipulation and ranting. Youve backed her into such a corner that NOTHING helps her and she has no where to go with this. She probably feels relieved.

 

Stick a fork in this one. It's done. blind freddy could have told you that 84 pages ago

 

Oh wait...

Edited February 27, 2016 by Sassy Girl

[S2B]

I see that some posters think this thread should close.

I'm not saying that the posters have not added empathy, support, value, perspective or advice.

Quite the opposite. I have received some very good empathy, support, value, perspective and advice.

I am gradually moving beyond needing empathy and support, to being able to build myself up.

 

What I'm NOT looking for however, is judgement.

I'm not looking to divorce my wife, atleast as of now.

I am looking to reconcile, not necessarily emotionally fully connect with my wife if I only see continued rug sweeping from her.

 

I am looking for advice, but without judgement, so I think there still is value for me in this forum from selected posters. Especially as it related to personal and individual recovery in which someone is not dependent on a relationship to completely heal, in order to be happy. I'm very open to ideas that foster personal recovery... Things like what works and what forms of it work.... Like meditation, yoga, alternative therapies like hypnosis or NLP, daily living practices, health and nutrition, spending time with the kids in certain ways, time management so I can manage a stressful career, type of individual counseling (if my counselor does not work out), etc.

 

Really NS? I haven't seen judgment here - quite the contrary.

 

So many people have tried giving you MANY IDEAS on how to help yourself! You have done almost nothing to change your situation.

 

In fact, I have doubts about the counseling because you simply don't offer what's been happening in counseling - which should help, by the way - IF you're getting your money's worth.

 

And now, after all these months you say you're not divorcing because you like your money? Why didn't you just say that to start with? Then we would have known that you don't care as much for your wife as you pretended to.

 

And now you say you're spending time and energy with another woman? Good grief you have serious problems no one can help you with.

 

The bottom line is - you just haven't been honest at all with US - the very people patiently trying to help you.

 

You've gotten way more ideas here than any one person needs. Go back and re read your thread if you don't realize the help people offered.

 

 

At this point it looks like you duped is - and quite frankly, that sucks. Get honest man - with yourself and with others.

 

Life sucks when there is nothing but deceit.

[S2B]

Look at the absurdity of the human laws we create:

 

01) If we get married to someone, its legally binding, and its supposed to be a lifetime contract.

02) If someone breaks a fundamental marriage vow, its not illegal.

03) It is legal to break a marriage contract previously understood to be a lifetime contract by way of a divorce.

04) If a fundamental marriage vow does get broken by one person, the other is expected to still hold up their end of the contract, even though the contract itself is legally broken, but in an unethical way.

05) A legal recourse (divorce) is deemed to be the only acceptable response to a legal but unethical break of a legal contract (marriage)

06) The person who breaks the legal contract of marriage unethically can choose to passively consider the contract broken, even though its legally not, but the person violated is still supposed to consider the contract active.

07) A marriage is supposed to be considered an emotional bond when convenient and can be disregarded as an emotional bond when convenient, based on the whims of the person who broke the contract.

08) Its fine for me to feel comforted by real people typing messages on an online forum, but not fine for me to feel comforted by 1 real person who talks to me in person.

09) Its fine for me to be comforted by a special person designated as a psychologist, but not fine for me to be comforted by a person with a real human perspective who does not have that designation.

10) Its fine for me to be comforted by my mother (also a woman), but not fine for me to be comforted by a woman friend.

11) Its not fine for me to seek comfort and solace at all. Its expected that robots also not seek comfort and solace at all. Its known that I'm not a robot. I have a birth record to prove this.

12) Suddenly, after children are born, as human beings we are expected to live our lives to be (flawed) role models for our children (who are also expected to be flawed).

13) We are supposed to have a conscious that helps us decide our boundaries, yet are expected to live our lives based on the most strictest boundaries within the entire population of humanity.

14) A person's intent and personal boundaries mean nothing. A person's character and resolve mean nothing. What only carry meaning is what appears to be outwardly leading to a certain event, even though that event actually has not happened.

15) An event that has actually happened can be minimized under the right conditions of justification and reason.

16) A person is supposed to be fully self sufficient for their happiness, yet needs sliced bread, and needs to depend on an external human race that abuses the environment and consider themselves to be the only important entity in an existence that promises death for each individual in that species.

17) ...

 

If I were to type an entire rule book about how one is expected to live their life, it would be evident how confused, divided and f*ck*d up a species we are. Even animals are not so confused.

 

This is just silliness of you - to think you can justify your bad behavior with this ridiculous post.

[Mr Blunt]

By ShatteredLady

Coming to 1300 posts. Let's do a summary...

 

Your wife cheated. That's horrible, destructive, heartbreaking. We know that agony.

 

She confessed. That's very positive to reconciliation.

 

You subjected her to humiliating acts to 'heal' you & she did it ALL for 3 months.

 

Your wife discovered that you were sharing marital secrets (including the humiliating depths she sank to for you to record in various ways) with your OW & shut down………….

NS does not want to divorce his wife right now because he will have to share his money with his wife. Also he wants to “recover” from his “illusion” about his wife first before divorce.

 

 

NS is having an EA with another woman “friend”

 

 

NS said “I am looking to reconcile”

NS, your wife has proven by her actions that she does not want to do what needs to be done to R.

In addition, your attitude and actions are a huge detriment to R.

 

Under the circumstances above you do not have a chance to R with your wife. Reconciliation is extremely hard and both partners have to be doing a lot of right actions and attitude adjustments. Neither of you are doing the right actions or attitudes but instead you both are doing detrimental things that will prevent R.

 

You want advice without judgment. You have been given advice (without judgment) to seek therapy by MS Adams and others but you mostly avoid answering the posters about your progress in that area. You have been warned by many about you having an EA with your woman friend. One good reason for that warning is that it is impossible for you to have that EA with your woman friend and you being successful with your goal of “looking to reconcile” with your wife. Your actions and attitudes to obtain your goal are not logical.

 

You are convinced that you have complete control over your involvement with your woman friend even though many much more experienced posters have tried to advise you to the contrary. You do not have all the tools to obtain your goal of R or to heal and have a happy life. My advice to you is for you get help from as many competent people that have been successful for years that have been in your position so that you can either R or D. When you get that help then force yourself to follow their advice because they have a much better view of how you can heal than you do.

 

 

You can continue to ignore some of the excellent advice on this thread but you will be the one that suffers.

[road]

NS does not want to divorce his wife right now because he will have to share his money with his wife. Also he wants to “recover” from his “illusion” about his wife first before divorce.

 

 

NS is having an EA with another woman “friend”

 

 

NS said “I am looking to reconcile”

 

 

NS, your wife has proven by her actions that she does not want to do what needs to be done to R.

In addition, your attitude and actions are a huge detriment to R.

 

Under the circumstances above you do not have a chance to R with your wife. Reconciliation is extremely hard and both partners have to be doing a lot of right actions and attitude adjustments. Neither of you are doing the right actions or attitudes but instead you both are doing detrimental things that will prevent R.

 

You want advice without judgment. You have been given advice (without judgment) to seek therapy by MS Adams and others but you mostly avoid answering the posters about your progress in that area. You have been warned by many about you having an EA with your woman friend. One good reason for that warning is that it is impossible for you to have that EA with your woman friend and you being successful with your goal of “looking to reconcile” with your wife. Your actions and attitudes to obtain your goal are not logical.

 

You are convinced that you have complete control over your involvement with your woman friend even though many much more experienced posters have tried to advise you to the contrary. You do not have all the tools to obtain your goal of R or to heal and have a happy life. My advice to you is for you get help from as many competent people that have been successful for years that have been in your position so that you can either R or D. When you get that help then force yourself to follow their advice because they have a much better view of how you can heal than you do.

 

 

You can continue to ignore some of the excellent advice on this thread but you will be the one that suffers.

 

His WW did want to recover. She tried doing all the things he wanted. Though he used the excuse you gave that to the OM you have to give to me to prove that you love me.

 

 

Problem is NS was not honest with himself. He only wanted to do two things. Be able to punish his WW 24/7/365/366 leap year, forever. And, to play the whoa is me victim card.

 

 

No wonder his WW has shut down and pulled away.

 

 

From day one NS was only about wanting to hear approval on the way he was behaving and wanted to do post D day. He never wanted to hear what he needed to be doing.

 

 

And he continues to only be it's all about me and what I want and not learning about what is the right thing to do. This is proved out by him starting out on the road to be an OM and turn his AP into an OW and create another BH victim.

 

 

He does not care that he is going to turn a man into a BH.

 

 

He has no empathy for making this man a BH.

 

 

Yet he endlessly goes on how he as a BH was wrong by an OM.

[jenkins95]

NS

 

I've been quietly following this thread for a long time. I have no doubt that you and your wife are going through an awful time and I can't really add anything that hasn't already been suggested by other posters......several times. I do feel for you and I really hope you will find the right path for you soon and start properly recovering.

 

Having said all that, there is something that troubles me abut this thread. The clearest example to me is when the thread went quiet for a few days and then you posted this......

 

Just a quick post to report that overall I have been better since the last week. Ever since I decided not to feel the pressure to be open and honest with my wife, I have felt relief.

I have been able to emotionally disconnect from her for about a week and been able to feel relief as a result of it.

I still have some weak moments of feeling like a victim, but then I remind myself that I'm a fairly good looking guy, have reasonably good health (which I'm going to make better), am financially well off and am well placed in my career.

I have come to realize that I really don't need my wife. Its starting to become a happy feeling!

I still don't do much with my time.... Mainly been busy with work and when I get home, I'm usually too tired to do anything except spend about 30 minutes with the kids and then I lay down to recoup for a while before I have my dinner and then go back to bed, perhaps to take a quick look at the LS forum.

 

Our son has been sick, so I will be with him tomorrow, working from home.

 

This weekend I will be going hiking with a very good friend. A friend I made about 7 months ago, whom I meet for coffee. She has a beautiful smile and she lights up my heart.

 

Other than that its mostly trying to deal with fires and the next few urgent things on the never-ending list of important tasks.

 

You slipped this line in very casually and innocently.........

 

This weekend I will be going hiking with a very good friend. A friend I made about 7 months ago, whom I meet for coffee. She has a beautiful smile and she lights up my heart.

 

I suggest that you knew exactly what you were doing when you included this and that the whole point of this post was to reignite the thread with a backlash that you fully welcomed.

 

Later you added this.....

 

......I'm only offering her a friendship, nothing more.

If it starts becoming more than that, I know I will either not go there or will assess the situation at that point, before I cross any lines.

 

In other words, you are open to anything as long as you "assess" it first.

 

This is like a red rag to a bull to almost everyone here, especially BSs......and I think you knew it. There are several other posts where you have provoked an incredulous, passionate reaction from other posters.

 

NS, I am not trying to downplay the awful pain you are going through, but I ask you to admit there is a part of you that enjoys provoking a reaction from our posters, being controversial and keeping this thread alive as long as possible.

 

Am I being fair? If I have got it totally wrong then I apologise.

Edited February 27, 2016 by jenkins95

[Mrs. John Adams]

Well, then maybe you should equate killing a person and poking that person to be the same thing. Maybe you should equate any weakness and need for support with committing the biggest sin mentioned in most religious texts.

 

If I am the same as you, then you should be just as ashamed of yourself and feel sorry for ultimately forgiving yourself, because you did not deserve it, just as you suggest that I don't deserve it.

 

NS....

 

In none of my comments to you have I ever said that you do not deserve forgiveness. Not one.

 

And you are very right....I do not deserve forgiveness....not from My Savior...not from my beloved husband.

 

Forgiveness is given freely from those who choose to give it. It is not earned.

 

I cannot undo my transgressions.....and yes....they are many and they are severe. In Biblical times...I would have been stoned to death....and that is what i probably deserved. Instead....I repented of my sins....I asked for forgiveness....and My God has removed my sin as far as the east is from the west. I have been washed clean by the blood of the lamb. That is my belief....and there are those who do not share my Christian belief and I respect that.

 

I have lived the past 33 years in complete transparency to my husband. Everyday...because i WANT TO....I tell him my schedule....what I am doing...where I am going....etc. With the invention of internet and cell phones....I am in constant communication with him. The reason? To make him feel safe. I am well aware of the pain I caused him....it brings me to my knees...how even all these years later he still carries the scars that i caused. I cannot undo my sin....I wish I could say...just kidding...it never happened.I have had dreams where I can go back in time and remove this nightmare....but I cannot. I have made so many mistakes in my life.....and I certainly am not deserving of the love and compassion I have been given by others.....especially my husband. His forgiveness is a gift to me that I cherish....and I have made it my mission to live my life proving to him that i am grateful. I do not deserve it....you are right....

 

I have not made any judgement against you....giving someone your opinion...is not a judgement.....because in the end....what i think or say is not important. I am a stranger on an internet forum. Your life has no impact on my real life....and what I think has no impact on your real life.

 

I wish you the best.....I fear the worst.....and I do believe with all my heart you are a very broken man.

[katielee]

NS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

t there is a part of you that enjoys provoking a reaction from our posters, being controversial and keeping this thread alive as long as possible.

 

 

Have thought this for a long time.

And your comment about character, NS, and how you have it so you won't have an affair - that is EXACTLY the thing I told myself before I became a WW.

[merrmeade]

Originally Posted by S2B

I think this thread should be closed - there's nothing more that can be said to help this poster and its of no value moving forward since nothing has changed this whole time.

 

I agree.....whole heartedly

We are still coming here and reading, then commenting on NS's thread, still open at LS's (and his) discretion. It's obvious NS is just missing the meaning and intent of so many things that have happened in his life, that he's said as well as his wife and LS posters. As long as he's still listening and asking for input, there's a lot he might gain. Or not.

Although I told him how I felt about the new information regarding the "friend," I also think maybe he doesn't get why it's not okay as a way to distance yourself from your unfaithful spouse. I really don't think he said it as a way to provoke.

 

I still think that this kind of obtuseness requires a relationship with a trusted, respected therapist. Been saying that from the beginning. You said you were going to see someone for IC. How's that going or did it start

Edited February 27, 2016 by merrmeade

[turnera]

You don't want judgment?

 

Stop any and all contact with your 'new friend.'

[Naively.Sensitive]

We are still coming here and reading, then commenting on NS's thread, still open at LS's (and his) discretion. It's obvious NS is just missing the meaning and intent of so many things that have happened in his life, that he's said as well as his wife and LS posters. As long as he's still listening and asking for input, there's a lot he might gain. Or not.

Although I told him how I felt about the new information regarding the "friend," I also think maybe he doesn't get why it's not okay as a way to distance yourself from your unfaithful spouse. I really don't think he said it as a way to provoke.

 

I still think that this kind of obtuseness requires a relationship with a trusted, respected therapist. Been saying that from the beginning. You said you were going to see someone for IC. How's that going or did it start

 

My first IC appointment is later next week.

I don't believe it will help much. I have tried IC counseling before, and its mostly just a role play of emotions and beliefs for me.

What I seek is a very spiritual path, something way beyond psychological solutions.

I will give IC a try anyway. I have nothing to lose.

 

The reality is that I have only considered this person as a friend and not even visualized her as anything more. I have also been meeting another male friend for coffee. Why is that not relevant?

What I have realized is that all I was seeking was an empath, nothing more.... Someone who can truly understand and feel pain and knows how to deal with it gently.

 

I cancelled the hike with the female friend and have decided to meet my male friend more often, even though he has a very busy schedule.

Ultimately we all just seek a connection to a warm soul. It does not matter to me that it is a man or woman, but I always felt that my chances of finding an empath within a woman were greater than finding one within a man, because I felt that men tend to be more emotionally closed and unaware.

 

I have seen and experienced some women who are quite the opposite of an empath.... An angry soul that lashes out in judgement and condemnation. That is not the kind of person whom I need support from. Its quite the opposite. I do need love, compassion, understanding and encouragement, at a humanistic level. It is a real human need, no matter what posters on this forum may comment.

[Naively.Sensitive]

I went to meet 2 (male) friends who have been practicing Nichiren Buddhism for many years. I signed up as a member Soka Gakkai International, as it really resonated within me to build my own strength and overcome my pain to truly be happy.

 

I have tried chanting and previously it did not help me much. I believe that may have been because I was mostly seeking empathy at that point, but I seem to have progressed a little since then. I seem to be much more open at this point, because the pain seems to still be there and only empathy has not helped. I have realized that its now a do or die situation, in which I have been destroying my own sense of self worth by my thoughts and emotions. I have to stop and take control of myself. That is what I'm focused on now.

 

That has very little to do with the relationship with my wife and more to do with the relationship with myself. I have to be happy from within and everything else will take care of itself.

Edited February 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed URL as it is a membership site. ~ V

[MuddyFootprints]

You are particularly vulnerable and impressionable right now. It sounds as though almost anyone could easily take a piece of you.

 

While it is healthy to be open minded, be critical minded, too. Please be careful and protect both your heart and your head.

[turnera]

Good grief. You go here and you go there and you keep seeking SOMETHING that will make you happy...and you wonder why you can't be happy with your wife.

[S2B]

What has happened in counseling the past three weeks? You shared nothing about your weekly MC sessions the past several weeks.

[66Charger]

 

And you are very right....I do not deserve forgiveness....not from My Savior...not from my beloved husband.

 

Forgiveness is given freely from those who choose to give it. It is not earned..

 

On this I strongly disagree. And if anyone deserves it, it is you.

 

I assume your husband has, by his post.

 

God forgave you 33 years ago.

 

The only person left, is you.

 

Its about time, you forgave yourself.

 

 

Edit: That doesn't mean you should stop teaching