Dealing with wife's affair.

[JohnAdams]

In a truly committed relationship, I do not understand splitting expenses. We have a single bank account. Both of our money goes into the same account. I have never thought about mine versus her expenses. It is a joint account we both add to it and our expenses come out of that account. How can you be one when you split expenses?

[Naively.Sensitive]

If she is so unattractive to you (as a woman) and you still want her to prostrate herself for your sexual pleasures, or whatever, then you are using her. Why would any woman submit to that?

 

The more you write, the worse you look.

 

Sure, she is extremely unattractive, more so because she has not been supporting me to the level I need in my recovery. When she "promises" that things will get better in the next few days and weeks, and she simply needed some space, I can understand and respect her feelings.

If all it takes is a few more days or weeks, I can certainly be that patient. I'm not stupid enough to ignore what she is explicitly promising me and I do see that efforts from her side are starting to becoming pronounced once again. I'm not the boy who will choose to pee in my pants for immediate relief, as opposed to hold myself until I get to a nearby restroom (if the restroom is being promised to me).

 

Me finding her unattractive is my current perception and I recognize that perceptions can change with time. I'm open to possibilities as a human being and don't limit myself to current perceptions, because the fact is that nothing in life is constant, except change. Just like its still a possibility (even if slim) that this relationship can still turn around and infact, become the basis of even a better relationship. Who can deny that possibility with absolute certainty? Nobody can and by nature, I am a person who is always open to possibility, especially when there is so much to lose.... 15 years of having invested the best and most youthful years of my life into this marriage, 2 lovely kids, and the convenience of a house, career and life that has already been established over so many years.

[Mrs. John Adams]

do you understand this is about you not about her??????

 

I think not

 

 

Look...i confessed...i became totally transparent...i did whatever my husband asked of me

 

Do you see a difference?

 

we are 32 years in reconciliation....you wont make one if you don't start making some changes

[Mrs. John Adams]

well vbm...it is your decision...you can stay here posting thread after thread...asking the same questions over and over......

 

or you can make some demands...and show her that you are now in charge

 

what will it be?

[aliveagain]

This is the worst advice I have ever given anyone but it seems it is the advice your looking for so you can justify taking your cheating wife who isn't in love with you anymore back. Take her back after all this is your life and who cares what other people think? Banging her boss for half a year was a mistake and she was just the victim of a predator. He perused her and used his power as her boss to force her into submission. I'm sure if she banged him in your home it was because they didn't want to risk getting spotted by anyone you both know at a cheap hotel, that might have caused you additional embarrassment. In her confusion she kept going back for more sex, some counsellor will have a theory that will name this condition so you can forgive her for all the unprotected sex she had with her boss.

 

Can you imagine, she almost left you for him. My guess is her boss worked out what he would have left after his wife's lawyers got done with him and decided to throw your wife under the bus instead, after all he got enough of what he wanted from her. A year or two in a different bedroom is nothing out of the ordinary, she's feeling shame for letting another man put his penis in her a lot. Don't make a big deal out of this and I'm sure she'll come back to your bedroom soon, as long as you never bring up her indiscretion again.

 

Doesn't reading that just sound like fairy tale? You can't really expect that someone will actually give you advice that stupid yet that's what I think your looking for. Take control, talk to a lawyer, this can't be all you what out of life?

[Naively.Sensitive]

In a truly committed relationship, I do not understand splitting expenses. We have a single bank account. Both of our money goes into the same account. I have never thought about mine versus her expenses. It is a joint account we both add to it and our expenses come out of that account. How can you be one when you split expenses?

 

Since 15 years, I maintained all the finances, bills, expenses and budgets. I practically ran the finances and made most financial decisions.

From the very beginning, I maintained a separate checking account for her, simply for the purpose of later being able to track how much she was saving from her own paychecks. I used to take care of every single expense from my own paycheck, because it used to give me tremendous motivation to make more money if I simply imagined that I was 100% responsible for the financial success of the family. I always chose to imagine her paycheck as a "bonus" that I did not want to consider or factor into my personal (or family) financial success.

 

That was the reason for maintaining a separate checking account for her.

 

However, she felt too controlled by my handling of the financial matters, and felt that this had caused our relationship to degrade over 15 years of marriage.

In order to address her concerns about the relationship, she wanted to take charge of her own checking account and expenses from it. I was not opposed to this idea, but she decided to create a separate checking account where I could not see what was happening. Since I already have trust issues with her, I told her that in such scenarios, it would also be fair that we equally contributed towards all expenses. So, a solution that would work would be for us to create a joint checking account for all common expenses for the family and pay all bills from there. This way, she could also have the financial freedom from her own private account (which I would not see) and it would take care of her perception of me being too financially controlling.

[66Charger]

Excuse me? vbm? Was that a misprint

[Mrs. John Adams]

Since 15 years, I maintained all the finances, bills, expenses and budgets. I practically ran the finances and made most financial decisions.

From the very beginning, I maintained a separate checking account for her, simply for the purpose of later being able to track how much she was saving from her own paychecks. I used to take care of every single expense from my own paycheck, because it used to give me tremendous motivation to make more money if I simply imagined that I was 100% responsible for the financial success of the family. I always chose to imagine her paycheck as a "bonus" that I did not want to consider or factor into my personal (or family) financial success.

 

That was the reason for maintaining a separate checking account for her.

 

However, she felt too controlled by my handling of the financial matters, and felt that this had caused our relationship to degrade over 15 years of marriage.

In order to address her concerns about the relationship, she wanted to take charge of her own checking account and expenses from it. I was not opposed to this idea, but she decided to create a separate checking account where I could not see what was happening. Since I already have trust issues with her, I told her that in such scenarios, it would also be fair that we equally contributed towards all expenses. So, a solution that would work would be for us to create a joint checking account for all common expenses for the family and pay all bills from there. This way, she could also have the financial freedom from her own private account (which I would not see) and it would take care of her perception of me being too financially controlling.

 

she felt too controlled? wow

 

since day one..i have handled all of the home finances...I pay all of the bills

John has handled all of the savings and retirement finances

 

too controlled?

 

how about this is a shared endeavor? this is a team effort?

private accounts? Really?

 

it's a different world i guess...but i truly do not understand

 

I think you have given her WAY too much of living her own life

 

get a lawyer...she is about to screw you and it is not in the bedroom

[JohnAdams]

Finances is an area that I have always left myself vulnerable. My wife has always ran the day to day finances. I have always controlled our long term finances. This could be a possible disaster, but, I felt if I am going to reconcile, I had to trust her ability to control our finances. With my wife's efforts we are debt free. With my efforts, we are very secure. So, our trust has paid off.

[Naively.Sensitive]

she felt too controlled? wow

 

since day one..i have handled all of the home finances...I pay all of the bills

John has handled all of the savings and retirement finances

 

too controlled?

 

how about this is a shared endeavor? this is a team effort?

private accounts? Really?

 

it's a different world i guess...but i truly do not understand

 

I think you have given her WAY too much of living her own life

 

get a lawyer...she is about to screw you and it is not in the bedroom

 

Yes, it is a different world. I grew up in a world and family in which the husband (father) went to work and brought home the money and also mostly decided the expenses and budgets (quite responsibly I may add) and the wife (mother) nurtured and took care of the family.

 

Nowadays, since the past several years, the roles of men and women in a family seem to have overlapped and merged to a large degree.

But along with freedom comes responsibility, something that my wife had no clue about and she only thought about the freedom side of things.

 

There is also a complete lack of gratitude on her side, for all the effort I have put in for this family, in terms of studying hard as a student and immigrant in this country, barely having enough money for a square meal a day, working a job on campus, my first jobs, the green card, being layed off work, moving through states for work, relocating, citizenship, saving enough money for a house, moving in, starting a family, work pressures, my depression.

 

I have come from humble beginnings, but all my f*ck*d up wife can see is that I was too controlling, and that the affair was a natural consequence of the relationship problems we were suffering.

 

Now, I have obviously lost a sense of family in terms of viewing her as my wife and it would obviously take a lot of effort (mostly on her part) to restore that view of her as my wife, rather than just the b*tch that she appears to be.

[Mrs. John Adams]

get out....just get a lawyer...and get out

 

and if you decide to stay...shame on you and don't come crying to loveshack

everyone has told you what to do...you are choosing to not listen

stop posting threads after thread and do something about the situation you are in

 

Take control

take back your power

get a divorce

Edited December 31, 2015 by Mrs. John Adams

[Naively.Sensitive]

Finances is an area that I have always left myself vulnerable. My wife has always ran the day to day finances. I have always controlled our long term finances. This could be a possible disaster, but, I felt if I am going to reconcile, I had to trust her ability to control our finances. With my wife's efforts we are debt free. With my efforts, we are very secure. So, our trust has paid off.

 

That is great teamwork. Kudos to you both!

 

With my financial management efforts (until now), we have always been debt free and everything is paid off: house, cars, etc.

With my financial management efforts (until now), we could also perhaps retire in our midlife (6 more years for me with her retiring atleast 7 years in age, before I do), but that now also depends on how well my wife manages her money and savings.

If it comes down to it, I will now only think of myself in preference to her. If she needs to keep working to fulfill any extraneous wants of hers, she can keep doing so, while I retire on my schedule. The team no longer holds true for me and her.

[BettyDraper]

I understand that you love your wife but you need to start loving yourself more.

She only cares about herself and that's why she isn't taking responsibility for her actions.

 

This will sound crude..but unless your wife's boss pushed her to the floor and tore off her panties, he did not "make" her cheat on you. The mental health professional who absolved your wife of responsibility should lose her licence. Your wife's complaint that you are too controlling is yet another example of her lack of remorse and inability to realize that there was no excuse for her affair. I am in a traditional marriage and my husband handles the finances but I have access to all documentation and accounts.

I don't feel controlled or unequal to him.

 

Use your obvious intelligence and analytical nature to see your marriage for what it is: over as you know it and needing to end.

[Naively.Sensitive]

I understand that you love your wife but you need to start loving yourself more.

She only cares about herself and that's why she isn't taking responsibility for her actions.

 

This will sound crude..but unless your wife's boss pushed her to the floor and tore off her panties, he did not "make" her cheat on you. The mental health professional who absolved your wife of responsibility should lose her licence. Your wife's complaint that you are too controlling is yet another example of her lack of remorse and inability to realize that there was no excuse for her affair. I am in a traditional marriage and my husband handles the finances but I have access to all documentation and accounts.

I don't feel controlled or unequal to him.

 

Use your obvious intelligence and analytical nature to see your marriage for what it is: over as you know it and needing to end.

 

I agree. I also agree that these are just excuses (or perhaps just false perceptions) on her part about financial control and things like that. If I strip off every possible excuse and perception failure, then my wife would have no choice but to face the bare truth of her actions.

Then, if she still does not face the truth about her actions, I'm out. I'm just giving every possibility a chance, so that I don't have any regrets about it later.

[Naively.Sensitive]

I don't think he is reading the posts that say to divorce... It's selective reading/hearing.

 

I don't think this poster intends to change a thing - he just wants to have place to complain about being the victim.

 

I don't think I need any more of your advice. Thank you.

It seems like you're not reading my posts either, where I'm only giving things a chance for a certain amount of time. If things don't change, then I know what I have to do. The only thing I have to learn to deal with (until that point) is the extreme pain and suffering, which I'm prepared to endure for a few months longer, in exchange for the satisfaction that I did infact try everything to reconcile. I think thats worth the sacrifice and price.

 

In any case, I was looking for a positive attitude on what else I could try (without ultimately dishonoring my values and beliefs), not a negative attitude of giving up rightaway. A life and a marriage takes very long and a huge effort to build. I would be disrespecting myself and my last 15 years if I did not give it enough of an effort (to my satisfaction) to salvage what is possible. In the meantime, I'm already looking into the divorce process and paperwork, so that I'm ready if need be.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Are you the same poster as verybrokenman?

 

No, I'm not. Perhaps I should read his thread as others have suggested that our situations may be similar?

[BettyDraper]

I don't think I need any more of your advice. Thank you.

It seems like you're not reading my posts either, where I'm only giving things a chance for a certain amount of time. If things don't change, then I know what I have to do. The only thing I have to learn to deal with (until that point) is the extreme pain and suffering, which I'm prepared to endure for a few months longer, in exchange for the satisfaction that I did infact try everything to reconcile. I think thats worth the sacrifice and price.

 

In any case, I was looking for a positive attitude on what else I could try (without ultimately dishonoring my values and beliefs), not a negative attitude of giving up rightaway. A life and a marriage takes very long and a huge effort to build. I would be disrespecting myself and my last 15 years if I did not give it enough of an effort (to my satisfaction) to salvage what is possible. In the meantime, I'm already looking into the divorce process and paperwork, so that I'm ready if need be.

 

You can block a member if you find their posts troublesome.

 

I completely understand why you would like to honor your beliefs and years of marriage. It seems like you don't want to walk away without giving your marriage a fighting chance and I respect that. It's easy for all of us to tell you to get a divorce but we aren't living your life.

 

The first two years of my marriage were very hard. Many times I wanted to throw in the towel but my husband was totally against that idea. I'm glad that I agreed to stick things out because we have come out on the other side and we are very happy now.

 

I don't think that your wife is likely to change her attitude because it has been nearly a year. However, for your sake I hope that your wife does come to some realizations about what she as done.

[Naively.Sensitive]

You can block a member if you find their posts troublesome.

 

I completely understand why you would like to honor your beliefs and years of marriage. It seems like you don't want to walk away without giving your marriage a fighting chance and I respect that. It's easy for all of us to tell you to get a divorce but we aren't living your life.

 

The first two years of my marriage were very hard. Many times I wanted to throw in the towel but my husband was totally against that idea. I'm glad that I agreed to stick things out because we have come out on the other side and we are very happy now.

 

I don't think that your wife is likely to change her attitude because it has been nearly a year. However, for your sake I hope that your wife does come to some realizations about what she as done.

 

Thank you so much for being able to understand my beliefs and feelings.

I think you are right in the sense that my wife really does not seem to have realized what she has done. It has completely destroyed me.

There is a possibility that now, even if she does change her attitude, it may be too late, because she may have already done too much damage by even not being able to be there for me in my greatest time of need.

Only time will tell what will happen.

 

My hope is that I don't be permanently damaged and broken for the rest of my life. Is that possible?

Assuming that at some point she is ready to help me in whatever way I need to heal, is it more likely for me to stay more damaged by leaving the relationship or by staying in it?

 

In your case, were you the wayward or betrayed spouse? By staying in the relationship and constantly improving it (with efforts from the wayward as well as betrayed spouse), does the destroyed betrayed spouse eventually heal to almost normalcy?

[Naively.Sensitive]

Have you done any individual counseling for the pain you're suffering from?

 

Initially, I went through several sessions of individual counseling. At that point, I was feeling extremely suicidal, angry and in unbearable pain. At that point, my wayward wife was also doing everything I needed to help me heal, including hugs, spending time with me every morning for almost an hour before work, checking on me several times during the workday, regular sex about 3 times a week, etc. So, at that point, my wife was helping me more than the counselor, simply by her actions and behaviors. So, I stopped going to the individual counselor.

 

Now, if she really sticks to her implied promises, maybe in a few days or weeks, she may return to the bedroom and decide to resume a little sex, gradually. If that happens, I may begin to resume my healing.

Otherwise, I may have to seek out further counseling to deal with the pain.

 

I wonder if I can get onto some meds, to deal with the emotional pain and suffering? I have heard of some non-prescription alternatives like "Kava Root". I wonder if they may really work?

 

If some meds do work, I wonder if its a good idea to depend on them to control my pain, even if my wife does not help me?

[Chrisstro6692]

Ive been reading your post, I feel really sorry for your situation. Your wife knew what she was doing. She cheated! She knew what she was doing. I have been married for almost 24 years, I struggle with bills with my wife, and she reminds me of your wife. She knows that you will be upset and fuss but tells you what your want to hear and after awhile you believe the crap and makes it seem like you did something wrong. She is playing the victim, being seduced by her boss, come on man use your head. I know she is your wife and you LOVE her, but she knows this and will what she has too, to take care of herself. Good Luck

[World's.Edge]

You're fairly certain she isn't now, but you I bet you were certain when it was happening. You still haven't figured out that you really have no idea what's going on with her. Maybe she confessed for altruistic reasons, but it's more likely that someone else found out and forced her hand or she was blackmailed. All you know is that you don't know and the only person who does isn't trustworthy enough to tell you. She's a stranger to you now and that seems to be lost on you.

 

Why would she want to hold onto you if she was still cheating? Because that's the nature of people who cheat. Around here we call them cake-eaters (have your cake and eat it too). By your own admission, you were supporting her and your family. Not to mention, probably watching and taking care of the kids while she was out with her boyfriend. I'm sure she doesn't want to lose her live in ATM machine and babysitter. The prospect of being a single mother is enough to keep you strung along while she figures things out. Not to mention, she's going to have some explaining to do if you divorce. Do you think she wants to explain to her family, friends and eventually her children that she destroyed all these lives for nothing? Do you think she wants everyone to know her real character? She stands to lose the respect of everyone she knows. The reasons for keeping you around far outnumber the reason for getting rid of you. The simple solution is put you in another bedroom and bang other guys. It's really not hard to see it from her point of view.

 

Sorry man, but she "wants to process her emotions" after you said you want her to pay 50% is just a dead give away. Processing her emotions is really just another way of doing a cost/benefit analysis. Now that you leveled that part of the playing field, she has to decide if it's worth it or if she just just rob you of your money in a divorce. I'm sure she thinks that if she just weathers the storm long enough you'll eventually start paying the bills again. The sex is just hard for her because she genuinely isn't attracted to you anymore. She has to decide whether or not sleeping with you despite that is worth her reputation and the steady income it entails.

 

There's no remorse in anything she does. It's very, very calculated to make sure she ends up in the best position possible. I've seen remorseful people. Remorseful people will sign a post-nuptial agreement stating that you get EVERYTHING if they cheat. I doubt your wife would sign a get well card for you.

This exactly..

[thecharade]

Naively Sensitive,

 

I have read many of your posts and I do feel so badly for your pain. There are some things you can do for yourself that do not involve divorce.

 

1. Yes, please try medication for depression. It will help you for a bit, and then you can stop when you feel stronger. It saved my life for a time. Think of it as a short-term plan, but please do it.

 

2. I was the WS in my marriage. I was very unhappy and was having trouble getting my H to "see me" or our issues. While I am not your W and don't know what she is feeling, I can say that my attitude toward my H improved when I saw him working on himself. I do not mean blaming himself! He did not cause my A! At all! I mean, when he began to work on his own health and focus on his happiness and recovery (the 180, some might say) and detach from trying to fix me, it helped reduce tension so that we could communicate better. It restored balance.

 

3. Please understand, while it feels counterintuitive, you must focus on making yourself healthy and happy inside and out. She feels your overwhelming "need for her" and it is unattractive to her; people are very drawn to strength and competence and confidence, like a magnet. Be the guy you are underneath all this, the guy you are proud to be, the guy any woman would love to have. Show her the awesome you that she will lose if she keeps this up.

 

4. Get your pain out. Journal everyday. It will help, but it's private and not for her to see or take advantage of. Put your emotions on paper.

 

5. When you focus on you with meds and IC and self-care like fun activities, a night out with friends, a new hobby, cooking some healthy meals, taking yourself out to dinner or a movie, journaling, etc., you will feel much better about yourself and your ability to handle this--no matter what happens. You will feel strong in your soul.

 

6. You want your wife, but you don't need your wife. You will be fine no matter what. She is a fool to lose someone like you, and you need to remind yourself of the truth of that everyday. Restore balance in your world. Bring back your power. She is gonna do what she is gonna do and you are UNHAPPY about it, but stop trying to control it. (Remember, she hates you being controlling, right? So don't prove her right. Screw her.) Control you. You can make your life much better than it is right now by worrying only about you, and you can think about divorce later.

 

7. Strangely enough, you becoming healthy and improving your own world may be the very thing to pull her back into reality. It happens quite frequently because healthy, strong, independent people are magnetic.

 

Be nice to you. You deserve it.

Good luck.

[harrybrown]

She is still in the other bedroom, because she is still in the A.

 

Time to go see an attorney and set her free. She does not love you, she did not love you and she is walking all over you.

 

Read about the 180 again, get a post nup and let her see the D papers.

 

 

This is not a life that you are living. Time to pull your adult pants on and let her see reality.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Naively Sensitive,

 

I have read many of your posts and I do feel so badly for your pain. There are some things you can do for yourself that do not involve divorce.

 

1. Yes, please try medication for depression. It will help you for a bit, and then you can stop when you feel stronger. It saved my life for a time. Think of it as a short-term plan, but please do it.

 

2. I was the WS in my marriage. I was very unhappy and was having trouble getting my H to "see me" or our issues. While I am not your W and don't know what she is feeling, I can say that my attitude toward my H improved when I saw him working on himself. I do not mean blaming himself! He did not cause my A! At all! I mean, when he began to work on his own health and focus on his happiness and recovery (the 180, some might say) and detach from trying to fix me, it helped reduce tension so that we could communicate better. It restored balance.

 

3. Please understand, while it feels counterintuitive, you must focus on making yourself healthy and happy inside and out. She feels your overwhelming "need for her" and it is unattractive to her; people are very drawn to strength and competence and confidence, like a magnet. Be the guy you are underneath all this, the guy you are proud to be, the guy any woman would love to have. Show her the awesome you that she will lose if she keeps this up.

 

4. Get your pain out. Journal everyday. It will help, but it's private and not for her to see or take advantage of. Put your emotions on paper.

 

5. When you focus on you with meds and IC and self-care like fun activities, a night out with friends, a new hobby, cooking some healthy meals, taking yourself out to dinner or a movie, journaling, etc., you will feel much better about yourself and your ability to handle this--no matter what happens. You will feel strong in your soul.

 

6. You want your wife, but you don't need your wife. You will be fine no matter what. She is a fool to lose someone like you, and you need to remind yourself of the truth of that everyday. Restore balance in your world. Bring back your power. She is gonna do what she is gonna do and you are UNHAPPY about it, but stop trying to control it. (Remember, she hates you being controlling, right? So don't prove her right. Screw her.) Control you. You can make your life much better than it is right now by worrying only about you, and you can think about divorce later.

 

7. Strangely enough, you becoming healthy and improving your own world may be the very thing to pull her back into reality. It happens quite frequently because healthy, strong, independent people are magnetic.

 

Be nice to you. You deserve it.

Good luck.

 

Thank you so much for this advice. For the last 5 months, after she moved out of the bedroom, I was doing many of the things mentioned in 180 and was focusing on myself. Inspite of terrible emotional pain and bouts of crying every morning, I would somehow get dressed, get to work, get my tasks done for the day at work, bought a bicycle, went biking with a friend, joined a meditation group, read many books on emotional intelligence, practiced emotional intelligence techniques, and tried my best to focus on myself. I kept falling and picking myself up, again and again.

Eventually, I came to the realization that part of my pain was because things in my life are unresolved: the affair, my relationship with my wife, her behavior, etc. In many ways, I think I'm trying to fight a war with myself that I cannot win in this state. I think I desperately need resolution to really be able to move on, because otherwise, being in limbo is contributing immensely to the pain I already feel.

 

Since I'm choosing to give my wife some more weeks and months, based on her promises of being able to fully reconnect with me soon, I have to accept the pain and suffering until that point of resolution is reached.

 

Sometimes I wonder if my wife would ever feel the amount of pain she has caused by her actions and the part of me that feels anger and pain makes me want to give her a taste of what she did to me. I have asked her on some occasions that if I was the one who had the affair, would she really be able to forgive me? She responded by saying that should would forgive me if the circumstances of the affair were the same. The reality is that the circumstances are never exactly the same, because in my extreme pain, what if I reached out to a woman friend of mine and had an affair? It wouldn't be with a boss, so the circumstances would be different because I'm a man and she is a woman, so our circumstances are bound to be different.

 

At many times, I feel like I'm pushing myself too hard and if I get emotionally involved with another woman, I should let it happen, more particularly because my wife was not there to support me for the last 5 months when I most needed her. That would be me taking care of myself and my own needs and may even be considered a natural outcome of her actions, although I would take full responsibility of such a choice to have my own affair. There are plenty of women in the world who are hurting too, and need a connection with a sensitive man like me and so, if I get involved in a short affair in which a woman and I are comforting each other, then I may just go for it. What happens happens. Maybe I should live my life where I start thinking about myself too, and not just about my wife and the family.

[WomenWubber]

Love cannot be proved. Love is something different for everyone.

 

So you can either trust or not. The answer to your questions lies within.