Dealing with wife's affair.

[thecharade]

How can he commit or trust without access to e-mail or phone? Why would he commit already?

 

Isn't it possible for someone to act all in but withhold? And isn't that manipulative on their part, creating their own terms? And isn't it impossible to trust that person?

[turnera]

This upswing in her behavior is probably because she views MC as progress.

 

I took it as she's trying to impress the MC. As soon as you said she moved back in, I thought 'she doesn't want the MC judging her.' Make sure you tell MC about her submissiveness. Also add that, at the time you needed her most, after HER betrayal - when she should have been proving herself to you, she walked away for her OWN good, not caring about YOUR good. And that betrayal is nearly as bad as the affair betrayal.

 

And finally, I would make sure that your #1 issue that you want out of this is for her to give you 100% transparency and access to her electronics. Since she hasn't been doing a damn thing the past 6 months to assuage your fears, she should at LEAST be willing to prove to you she's no longer cheating.

[thecharade]

Honestly NaivelySensitive, I don't respond to many threads due to time, but I felt the pain in your first posts and just wanted to support you. I don't have any answers and don't know for sure why your W does what she does, but I do think fixing real marital problems requires a lot of work, usually peeling back many layers of both pain and understanding. I assume this will take some time to truly figure out, and that is ok. You have time to do this right so that you feel it got the attention it deserved. I just wish you much peace.

[OneLov]

I took it as she's trying to impress the MC. As soon as you said she moved back in, I thought 'she doesn't want the MC judging her.' Make sure you tell MC about her submissiveness. Also add that, at the time you needed her most, after HER betrayal - when she should have been proving herself to you, she walked away for her OWN good, not caring about YOUR good. And that betrayal is nearly as bad as the affair betrayal.

 

And finally, I would make sure that your #1 issue that you want out of this is for her to give you 100% transparency and access to her electronics. Since she hasn't been doing a damn thing the past 6 months to assuage your fears, she should at LEAST be willing to prove to you she's no longer cheating.

 

I totally agree with you, but since NS doesn't want to acknowledge this as a reality, I'm giving her benefit of doubt and assuming her words match her actual intent. Do I personally believe she's being genuine or honest with him? Hell no. She's probably excited that he's starting to drink the Kool-aid and thinks they can finally begin to sweep this all under the rug--er, I mean, work towards a more open an honest relationship because she wants nothing more in the world .... As long as there's no sharing of passwords, asking questions, taking accountability, or frankly, doing any work at all.

Edited January 18, 2016 by OneLov

[OneLov]

How can he commit or trust without access to e-mail or phone? Why would he commit already?

 

Isn't it possible for someone to act all in but withhold? And isn't that manipulative on their part, creating their own terms? And isn't it impossible to trust that person?

 

That's the conclusion I'm trying to have him arrive at. If I draw it for him, he will think I'm being ignorant.

[Naively.Sensitive]

I took it as she's trying to impress the MC. As soon as you said she moved back in, I thought 'she doesn't want the MC judging her.' Make sure you tell MC about her submissiveness. Also add that, at the time you needed her most, after HER betrayal - when she should have been proving herself to you, she walked away for her OWN good, not caring about YOUR good. And that betrayal is nearly as bad as the affair betrayal.

 

And finally, I would make sure that your #1 issue that you want out of this is for her to give you 100% transparency and access to her electronics. Since she hasn't been doing a damn thing the past 6 months to assuage your fears, she should at LEAST be willing to prove to you she's no longer cheating.

 

I have not really been able to connect with her, even if she moved back into the bedroom and the reason is very simple. Its because I'm still very unresolved about the affair. What will it take for me to be resolved over it?

A lot more effort on her part to win my trust and love back. I will bring this up with the MC and since the MC has asked me for a list, I will provide it to her on the next session. This includes:

 

1) Complete transparency: Passwords and access to her electronic communication, whenever I feel like I want to deal with my insecurities.

2) A timeline of healing that supports me, not her. I am the one who has been cheated on.

3) Anything she can do to demonstrate what she is BEST capable of, to help me in my pain and to show her love to me. If she bases her support and love on my ability to forgive her rightaway, then that is not really love. Its just convenience for her.

 

If these 3 basic things are not satisfied, I'm openly telling the MC in her presence that I'm walking, because to me, this is not a relationship that I need which is worthy of saving.

[turnera]

And if the MC tells you that you don't NEED transparency, etc., that you need to 'let it go,' I would not say a single other word; I would stand up, I would say "you're fired," and leave.

[BettyDraper]

I have not really been able to connect with her, even if she moved back into the bedroom and the reason is very simple. Its because I'm still very unresolved about the affair. What will it take for me to be resolved over it?

A lot more effort on her part to win my trust and love back. I will bring this up with the MC and since the MC has asked me for a list, I will provide it to her on the next session. This includes:

 

1) Complete transparency: Passwords and access to her electronic communication, whenever I feel like I want to deal with my insecurities.

2) A timeline of healing that supports me, not her. I am the one who has been cheated on.

3) Anything she can do to demonstrate what she is BEST capable of, to help me in my pain and to show her love to me. If she bases her support and love on my ability to forgive her rightaway, then that is not really love. Its just convenience for her.

 

If these 3 basic things are not satisfied, I'm openly telling the MC in her presence that I'm walking, because to me, this is not a relationship that I need which is worthy of saving.

 

*slow clap* Good for you, NS!

 

I'm very happy to see that you are willing to stand up for your rights as a BS and spell out what your wife needs to do if she wants to stay married to you.

 

I believe that your wife did not move back into your room because she wanted to. She will do anything to look good in front of the marriage counselor.

[thecharade]

NS, I was bothered by the fact that your wife brought up a lot of complaints about you on night one instead of taking the position of, "I really messed up." Did you see it that way? And even more than that, in your opinion does your wife feel that she made a massive, unforgivable mistake? As a WS myself, one who wanted a D, I was STILL disgusted with myself and what I had done. It was a horrible way to act, unhappy or not. All people frowned on my choice, single and married friends, happy and unhappy. Does your wife truly feel upset with herself and what she has done, regardless of your faults? She should.

[merrmeade]

NS,

Just wanted to support the excellent advice you're getting for MC. Nice blow by blow detail. However, I'm still really frustrated that after all you've been through and all the information you got about MC, this one still ended up being less than ideal.

 

Now, it IS necessary for the WS to feel supported so they'll keep coming back. It's a fine line. I mean, I guess. If you're calling it marriage counseling. But what about finding someone who specializes in infidelity? That would mean making sure you get the support you need and the WS has to give it.

 

In my case, as I've told you, I finally just dropped it because giving my husband all that help in coming out was the long way around, the slow path. I couldn't wait for it. Of course, NOW he's still retarded in his ability to express his thoughts and feelings, and maybe well go back though it's doubtful. But I'm so much better than I was then. I couldn't have survived that tortoise-paced therapy.

 

Also my husband would get super angry after sessions, indicating he wasn't opening up. All indicators we were wasting our money.

 

Just saying it's not easy....

[Naively.Sensitive]

NS, I was bothered by the fact that your wife brought up a lot of complaints about you on night one instead of taking the position of, "I really messed up." Did you see it that way? And even more than that, in your opinion does your wife feel that she made a massive, unforgivable mistake? As a WS myself, one who wanted a D, I was STILL disgusted with myself and what I had done. It was a horrible way to act, unhappy or not. All people frowned on my choice, single and married friends, happy and unhappy. Does your wife truly feel upset with herself and what she has done, regardless of your faults? She should.

 

Yes, she has always tried to play more of a victim mentality in all of this. I don't doubt that she was a victim because I know her affair partner and he used to come home, sometimes with his wife. I least suspected that he had targeted my wife, but I believe it is true. The proof is in the fact that he did send a blackmailing message later on, to my wife, an audio recording of a conversation with my wife that he had secretly done, to protect himself.

 

However, she has attributed things to an unfortunate turn of events, (which it was), instead of taking actual full responsibility for her actions and explicitly saying, "Yeah, I f*ck*d up. Now let me clean up the mess instead of expecting my husband to struggle so hard with the emotional trauma"

If there was a time to put on her strong panties and roll up her sleeves (in man terms), this should have been it (but its not yet happened). This is what I want to alert the MC about, that if I don't get her 100% support and help, then I would know for sure that she does not really care or love me enough and that I'm incapable of sustaining the pain and the damage caused by the affair without her help.

 

My gut feeling is that internally, she does feel disgusted with herself and feels guilt for all the damage she has caused, but she does not express or manifest it. I think her "defense mechanism" kicks in too heavily and takes over all of her other feelings.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Ns.. Feeling disgusted... Feeling sorry... Feeling bad...

Is not what she should be feeling.

 

 

Remorse...is understanding the pain you have caused...and doing anything and everything required to take that pain on yourself and take it away from the one you betrayed.

 

Don't confuse disgust with remorse.

 

If she wants to reconcile.. She must feel remorse and she must be transparent.

 

You dear friend are the victim... Not her... Not in any way shape or form.

 

When you stop making this excuse for her .. You may actually require her to be accountable for her choices.

 

As long as you blame everyone but her... She will allow it and she will play the poor poor pitiful me role.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Ns.. Feeling disgusted... Feeling sorry... Feeling bad...

Is not what she should be feeling.

 

 

Remorse...is understanding the pain you have caused...and doing anything and everything required to take that pain on yourself and take it away from the one you betrayed.

 

Don't confuse disgust with remorse.

 

If she wants to reconcile.. She must feel remorse and she must be transparent.

 

You dear friend are the victim... Not her... Not in any way shape or form.

 

When you stop making this excuse for her .. You may actually require her to be accountable for her choices.

 

As long as you blame everyone but her... She will allow it and she will play the poor poor pitiful me role.

 

Yes, thats why I have put a date on how long I will try it and she knows that date upto which I will tolerate her attitude.

The next marriage counseling session is where I'm going to assert that she has to change her attitude of taking full responsibility for her actions and do the major work in reconciliation between the 2 of us. If not, then its very clear what outcome I have decided.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Ns... Download how to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda macdonald ... Right now. Give it to your wife today. Tell her to read it and you will discuss it tonight.

 

Do you believe that giving her a deadline will give you what you need? Or do you think perhaps communication might be the answer?

You do not need a therapist to communicate with your wife. Oh miss therapist.. Here is my list.. Please tell her what I want and make her do it.

 

When your children misbehave.. Do you tell someone else to discipline them? Do you give them months to straighten up or do you require immediate change?

 

Do you understand that your wife needs you to tell her exactly how you feel and exactly what you want? She can not help you if you don't tell her.

 

Giving her a deadline through a therapist.., will do nothing.

 

YOU tell her

[merrmeade]

Yes, thats why I have put a date on how long I will try it and she knows that date up to which I will tolerate her attitude.

The next marriage counseling session is where I'm going to assert that she has to change her attitude of taking full responsibility for her actions and do the major work in reconciliation between the 2 of us. If not, then its very clear what outcome I have decided.

NS, I'm pretty sure of a couple of things about this process. One is that the only thing about self-assertion that works with waywards (like I've understood here and like my husband) is the FACT of a REALITY that they'll be left, divorced or exposed. Now, obviously being exposed is NOT conducive as an incentive or precursor to remorse, but I'm talking about what actually makes them want to DO something different - take some responsibility - from just sitting quietly and waiting for the BS to 'get over it.'

 

Now, what they actually do can vary and change according to their own emotional resources, insight, communication skills, confidence and integrity regarding their role and responsibility. As Mrs. JA has shown us, when it's genuine and lasting - and easy possibly (haven't experienced it personally) - this response comes naturally from a deep other-directed remorse seeded by the pain of seeing their beloved suffer and realizing it's from a wound they inflicted.

 

And the last line ^^^ is the key. So I do believe good MC should be able to help the WS clear away layers of defense, fear, shame, and whatever to get to the important and real feelings for you and then help her take little and then bigger steps to expressing that to you and showing you.

 

But at the same time, I also believe that the BS has to kind of 'stay in vulnerable' - as opposed to assertive, angry, challenging, etc. Besides the 'rules' in counseling are usually to say what you feel, not make judgments on the other, etc., right? And I'm finally getting to the real point of this post: This means you have to let yourself be vulnerable. You have to allow your pain to express itself in counseling, go deep and become that feeling again of utter despair, shock, incredulity and agony at what you realize she did to you. You allow the words to issue out from those feelings, words that belong to the feelings.

 

This will help the therapist work with your wife. Of course, being angry is also genuine and probably represents where you are right now but if you can get back there to the raw pain of her injury to you, it removes you from being on the offense and makes her see how completely defenseless you were to the enormity of this huge life blow.

 

Unfortunately, it was this very same reason that I finally said no to more MC. I was simply not willing to stay there, constantly in the deep pain of vulnerability to freaking help my husband become a human being. I went to individual counseling for myself to stand up and become a human being again.

 

Nevertheless, it's not ideal. Ideal is being able to talk about it together in helpful, supportive ways, to acknowledge what happened and understand it in a way that she doesn't feel threatened by you and you feel that she acknowledges what she did to you. THAT is where you want to go and I hope it can happen for you.

Edited January 19, 2016 by merrmeade

[OneLov]

Yes, thats why I have put a date on how long I will try it and she knows that date upto which I will tolerate her attitude.

The next marriage counseling session is where I'm going to assert that she has to change her attitude of taking full responsibility for her actions and do the major work in reconciliation between the 2 of us. If not, then its very clear what outcome I have decided.

 

NS,

 

I'm glad to hear you're taking action towards and standing up for yourself in the situation. My only other piece of advice:

 

I believe it's very important to not use the word "victim" any longer when describing your wife's status and not tolerating her use of the word. If you want to be empathetic, I think "vulnerable" is more appropriate "v" word. Continuing the use of "victim" will subconsciously cause her to feel less accountability.

 

Do it in front of the MC if you feel you need a third party to validate that she is not a victim. But according to you, the MC did not accept she was a victim when she brought it up. To sum up the MC's response(from your post describing the session), she empathized with your wife that her boss may have unduly influenced her decision(s) to act in the manner she did, but concluded that she made a voluntary choice(s). So, if the MC doesn't believe that she is a victim, why should you?

 

Best of luck,

OL

[turnera]

My gut feeling is that internally, she does feel disgusted with herself and feels guilt for all the damage she has caused, but she does not express or manifest it. I think her "defense mechanism" kicks in too heavily and takes over all of her other feelings.

You know, this should probably be THE most important topic in MC. She doesn't need to be perfect in her remorse, or do exactly what you want, but she DOES need to OWN - and admit - her guilt and not try to 'get out of it.'

[Mr Blunt]

You Had an Affair and You Want Another Chance ? Follow These Guidelines | My Life After an Affair

You Had an Affair and You Want Another Chance – Follow These Guidelines

Posted on July 2, 2013 by David FederApril 22, 2014

In this article we will focus on the participating partner and the guidelines he or she needs to follow in order to become a “successful rebuilder”. This is a term coined by Linda J. MacDonald, M.S. that I believe ought to be used more in the field of recovery from infidelity. I attribute much of what is written in this article to the work of Linda J. MacDonald.

 

 

The successful rebuilder wants their partner to heal and regain a feeling of safety. Above all else they want to save their relationship and recommit to their partner.

 

 

The Guidelines: SUCCESSFUL REBUILDER:

· are non-defensive about what they did

· examine their motives for their affair(s) without blaming their spouse (all too often blame is the name of the game for these people)

· accept their role as healers to their wounded partners (a difficult role to play and for the Hurt Partner to accept)

· do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner

· show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done (successful rebuilders work hard to win back the hurt partner. Winning them back is their priority)

· make amends and apologize to loved ones

· apologize often, especially the first two years

· listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain

· allow their spouse a lot of room to express their feelings (and don’t tire of hearing it regardless of the amount of guilt and/or shame they feel)

· respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering (they accept that the Hurt Partner will not heal according to when they want them to heal)

· seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity

· keep no secrets

· do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair

· are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities (willing is the operative word. They want to be accountable and don’t feel forced)

· frequently check in with their spouse, wanting to know how they are doing (Successful Rebuilders are proactive. They ask their spouse how they are doing)

· are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair (anticipation and awareness shows the hurt partner that the successful rebuilder is thinking of them. This sends the message to the hurt partner that the successful rebuilder is not thinking about someone else)

· are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair (Successful Rebuilders allow their partner to decide what to do with the reminders)

· don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children

· commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty and spiritual growth

 

 

 

 

According to MacDonald successful Rebuilders have humility.

– SUCCESSFUL REBUILDERS embrace their role as HEALERS

– SUCCESSFUL REBUILDERS work hard to undo the damage of the affair and make amends and

– SUCCESSFUL REBUILDERS honour the time it takes for their spouses to heal.

“When a PARTIIPATING PARTNER makes a conscious choice to become a SUCCESSFUL REBUILDER they not only heal their partner’ hurts, they also resolve their own.”

– Linda J. MacDonald, M.S.

 

 

In my opinion these guidelines are essential and must be followed if a participating partner is to make the transformation into a successful rebuilder. The field currently lacks a scientific test that can be given to assess the commitment of a participating partner to helping the hurt partner heal. The guidelines proposed by MacDonald acts as an excellent indicator of a participating partner’s true intentions.

David Feder, MSW. RSW.

You Had an Affair and You Want Another Chance ? Follow These Guidelines | My Life After an Affair

[Mrs. John Adams]

You Had an Affair and You Want Another Chance ? Follow These Guidelines | My Life After an Affair

You Had an Affair and You Want Another Chance – Follow These Guidelines

Posted on July 2, 2013 by David FederApril 22, 2014

In this article we will focus on the participating partner and the guidelines he or she needs to follow in order to become a “successful rebuilder”. This is a term coined by Linda J. MacDonald, M.S. that I believe ought to be used more in the field of recovery from infidelity. I attribute much of what is written in this article to the work of Linda J. MacDonald.

 

 

The successful rebuilder wants their partner to heal and regain a feeling of safety. Above all else they want to save their relationship and recommit to their partner.

 

 

The Guidelines: SUCCESSFUL REBUILDER:

· are non-defensive about what they did

· examine their motives for their affair(s) without blaming their spouse (all too often blame is the name of the game for these people)

· accept their role as healers to their wounded partners (a difficult role to play and for the Hurt Partner to accept)

· do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner

· show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done (successful rebuilders work hard to win back the hurt partner. Winning them back is their priority)

· make amends and apologize to loved ones

· apologize often, especially the first two years

· listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain

· allow their spouse a lot of room to express their feelings (and don’t tire of hearing it regardless of the amount of guilt and/or shame they feel)

· respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering (they accept that the Hurt Partner will not heal according to when they want them to heal)

· seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity

· keep no secrets

· do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair

· are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities (willing is the operative word. They want to be accountable and don’t feel forced)

· frequently check in with their spouse, wanting to know how they are doing (Successful Rebuilders are proactive. They ask their spouse how they are doing)

· are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair (anticipation and awareness shows the hurt partner that the successful rebuilder is thinking of them. This sends the message to the hurt partner that the successful rebuilder is not thinking about someone else)

· are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair (Successful Rebuilders allow their partner to decide what to do with the reminders)

· don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children

· commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty and spiritual growth

 

 

 

 

According to MacDonald successful Rebuilders have humility.

– SUCCESSFUL REBUILDERS embrace their role as HEALERS

– SUCCESSFUL REBUILDERS work hard to undo the damage of the affair and make amends and

– SUCCESSFUL REBUILDERS honour the time it takes for their spouses to heal.

“When a PARTIIPATING PARTNER makes a conscious choice to become a SUCCESSFUL REBUILDER they not only heal their partner’ hurts, they also resolve their own.”

– Linda J. MacDonald, M.S.

 

 

In my opinion these guidelines are essential and must be followed if a participating partner is to make the transformation into a successful rebuilder. The field currently lacks a scientific test that can be given to assess the commitment of a participating partner to helping the hurt partner heal. The guidelines proposed by MacDonald acts as an excellent indicator of a participating partner’s true intentions.

David Feder, MSW. RSW.

You Had an Affair and You Want Another Chance ? Follow These Guidelines | My Life After an Affair

 

Mr. BLunt...thank you for posting this....

Every time i read this...I see all the things I did wrong....and it makes me more determined that i will do everything i can to make it up to John for all those years I responded poorly.

[Naively.Sensitive]

I'm interested in his wife's reaction once she realizes he's not going to worship the ground she walks on any longer!

 

She believes full well you will never divorce her - no matter how badly she treats you.

 

 

It's time for you to have some power over your life and your future - stop handing her all YOUR power.

 

Newsflash: She moved out of the bedroom again, 2 days ago. I think its because of an argument that happened 2 days ago where she hit a major emotional nerve that triggered me.

I saw her dragging a heavy duffel bag out of the house in the morning and looked at her questioningly. She started to justify what it was, swearing that none of our belongings were in the bag, instead, that it contained belongings of a coworker who needed to temporarily store his things while he made an emergency trip out of the country. She probably did not realize what she was triggering, but she began to unzip the bag to show me that it only contained her coworker's clothes!!

I was so upset that I closed the door and she just proceeded to work.

 

Later, I sent her a message in my anger, asking her if there were any other man's clothes in our house that I should be aware of. Instead of realizing the pain she had caused by emotionally triggering me, she started justifying that she had not done anything wrong by helping out a coworker in need. I found it pointless to try to argue with her that it wasn't that she did something wrong (I'm pretty sure she is not sleeping with this guy or having yet another affair), but it was that she was not sensitive towards my pain to realize how she was instigating serious wounds that were still fresh.

 

Anyway, since she moved out 2 days ago, I have not even bothered to look at her face. In my mind, I'm like, "F*ck you b*tch. I really don't need you anymore in my life.". And even though I'm very angry, even as I type this message, that attitude of not needing her is what I'm going to carry, because that is what I should make into my reality. That I don't need her, because I can recover individually on my own (I have already been trying for the last 6 months), and then, just dump her so that I can get on with my life with someone who really does deserve me.

 

She has demonstrated that she has always put her feelings before mine, since the last 6 months and did not care about me. To me, thats pretty much like having a second affair, when she abandoned me.

 

Now, its just a matter of healing myself individually, and I'm NOT waiting for her to help me do it. Maybe this is exactly what Life has presented me with, to make me stronger, to heal independently so that I will never be codependent on someone ever again.

 

At this point, I'm actively collecting information I need for a divorce.

I will continue marriage counseling, but I don't have much hope in it (8 sessions are completely paid for, by an EAP program, so it does not cost me anything anyway). I will also stop trying, even at marriage counseling. Let her now make any efforts, because I have pretty much had it. I'm getting stronger everyday and its becoming more and more possible for me to lose the "poor me" attitude, to replace it with a "I'm strong" attitude. I don't know how compassion and love play into all this, but I don't feel it for her. I'm more likely to feel it towards someone who does not betray their spouse (or cannot, or will not). I'm being judgemental you could say, but I'm thinking about myself ONLY, for a change.

[Mrs. John Adams]

So have you made a decision to do something...ie move out or move her out?

 

I am sorry you are going through this right now...triggering is so hard...and I can tell you as the FWW...especially ones who have not read the book i recommended ....it is also hard for us to watch our BH's trigger...because we do not know what to do.

 

She knows you are hurting...she knows you are angry...So she is keeping her distance to give you time to cool down....however....YOU need her to DO something....and SHE doesn't know what.

 

cooling down is a good thing....while you do that...READ THE BOOK and TELL HER TO READ THE BOOK.

 

If it doesn't help...you wasted 20 minutes. THAT BOOK CHANGED MY LIFE. I realize...I was in the right frame of mind and I was READY to take action and help my husband.....I pray your wife will be open to give you what you need.

[Naively.Sensitive]

So have you made a decision to do something...ie move out or move her out?

 

I am sorry you are going through this right now...triggering is so hard...and I can tell you as the FWW...especially ones who have not read the book i recommended ....it is also hard for us to watch our BH's trigger...because we do not know what to do.

 

She knows you are hurting...she knows you are angry...So she is keeping her distance to give you time to cool down....however....YOU need her to DO something....and SHE doesn't know what.

 

cooling down is a good thing....while you do that...READ THE BOOK and TELL HER TO READ THE BOOK.

 

If it doesn't help...you wasted 20 minutes. THAT BOOK CHANGED MY LIFE. I realize...I was in the right frame of mind and I was READY to take action and help my husband.....I pray your wife will be open to give you what you need.

 

I first asked her if she was willing to read some books for recovery.

She then asked if it was for my recovery. I responded by telling her that it was for our recovery.

She responded by texting, "Sure".

I have downloaded the book by Linda McDonald and have emailed it to her. If she is truly interested, she will read it.

I will read it too, even though the book seems to address what the wayward needs to do.

[Mrs. John Adams]

the book will also help you...you see...you don't know how to express what exactly you want and need...besides that you just want all of this to go away.

 

It helped John to express his needs to me...and it gave me understanding how to respond.

 

You cannot make her read it....and it may not help her one bit...especially if she is not willing to do anything about your situation. But if she reads it...and it helps great....if she reads it and it doesn't...it will be kind of like your attitude about MC....you get 8 sessions free...so what if it doesn't help. The book will take 20 minutes....8 sessions takes 8 hours. So you lose a little time.

[MadJackBird]

Later, I sent her a message in my anger, asking her if there were any other man's clothes in our house that I should be aware of. Instead of realizing the pain she had caused by emotionally triggering me, she started justifying that she had not done anything wrong by helping out a coworker in need. I found it pointless to try to argue with her that it wasn't that she did something wrong (I'm pretty sure she is not sleeping with this guy or having yet another affair), but it was that she was not sensitive towards my pain to realize how she was instigating serious wounds that were still fresh.

 

 

Not to throw more fire on the flames but how exactly do you know this? Has she agreed to give you passwords and be more transparent. Like you said nothing she has done has been anything short of selfish. Her having another affair would be par for the course. My former wife had multiple affairs and wanted to keep her passwords secret from me too.

[strugglinghubby]

Dude, I hate to say it but she other doesn't care one little bit about you or she's completely playing you, probably both. She clearly thinks she can do as she likes and there will be no consequences. Time to stand up and be a man, take control of the situation and show her that you are a man of substance. No more threats without following through, if you say you are done then file.

 

This relationship is either long gone with no chance of coming back, or the slim chance of it coming back purely rests on your ability to make her realize that you not being with her is absolutely a possibility, and in fact guaranteed unless she changes. I think if you actually want this to work you're going to have to give her a glimpse of what life without you is like, and the only way to do that is to start taking tangible steps to show her it's over, steps such as serving her with papers. Let her little world come crashing down around her, and see how she chooses to respond then. You'll pretty quickly find out what her true feelings are for you.