Dealing with wife's affair.

[M1ke12]

I've been following your story... and I think you're doing just fine. What it comes down to sometimes, is whether you're willing to take the emotional risks of getting hurt in exchange for the payoff of saving the one you love. There comes a point at which you've just got so much invested that you don't have anything to lose... and everything to gain. Don't let anyone make you feel ashamed for having an open heart.

 

She is already coming around and faster then I did. She already know her thinking is screwed up and that took me months to realize.... All the while I put her through hell.

 

I know my experience and thoughts are helping her to come around. She's only been home since Sunday and she said today that she staying and I'd have to try to get rid of her. I certainly felt better after I called today.

[Mrs. John Adams]

NS....I have one important point to make here and maybe i am way off base.

 

I can tell you that if i had moved out of our bedroom...and did not make love to john for 6 months...he would have left me....because he would have wondered WHAT IS THE POINT?

 

if you are not sharing the intimacy of sex....as well as no transparency...

 

what do you have to save you? What is she giving you?

 

 

I know you are so very desperate....I know you want to keep your family intact....but there does come a time to be honest with yourself and ask...

 

 

what am i staying for? what am i working toward? What am I salvaging? What is best for me?

[BetrayedH]

What could be worse than hitting rock bottom? You can either choose healing or bitterness at that point. For some people it will mean reconciliation, for some it will mean divorce. For me, I understood innately that if I didn't work through the process, I'd end up bitter. And giving myself to the process allowed me to find healing.

 

Some others may have found that disassociating themselves from such a selfish person allowed them to find healing.

 

I truly had to find myself and realize that I truly did not "need" this person in order to be a whole individual. THAT is what made me healthy for either reconciliation or divorce.

 

I found that I was proud of myself, regardless of any rejection by my spouse.

[dreamingoftigers]

These two quotes really stand out for me. For different reasons.

 

Yes I agree. One of the couple reasons that I know that i will be able to forgive my wife is that she forgave me. I had an EA 7 years into our marriage. I remember my feelings well at the time and it really caused me to disconnect from my wife, whom now i wouldn't trade for the world. I almost ruined my life I honestly believe and I have told her repeatedly. Now its year 22 and its her turn. She has certainly lost her way. She tells me how she feels and I in turn confirm, that is exactly how I felt.....and then I told her that I almost ruined my life and I would have if I had listened to myself. Then I read the same stuff on this forum. It really does follow a predictable pattern no?

 

Of course not every case is like this. I however really hope it brings us closer together. And I feel like I am actually supporting my wife during a very difficult time in her life. Again, not sick, just empathetic because I was there and I have a clear memory of the events.

 

When I met my husband I was suicidal.

I had been diagnosed with BPD, left by my fiance mere weeks before our wedding, hospitalized and then released. My parents didn't give a damn and most friends didn't have a clue what to do.

 

I discovered I didn't quite have the courage to kill myself. I could get the energy to for a short time, but not enough to cross the threshold.

So I decided to go for a very long walk, and whatever happened, happened.

 

I went from my province to a neighboring one, slowly ran low on money. Then one day in mid-sized town I pretty much gave up. I wasn't going to be able to go further, I had caught a sickness on the way too, so I was pretty down, pretty drained. Hire a student was only calling every other day or so and it just wasn't enough to get by. I went for a walk downtown and this bum sat outside the McDonalds on the main street and asked me for change. I had a loonie on me. So I gave it to him. He asked me how my day was, I started bitching like you wouldn't believe. Then I felt pretty awful. I was complaining to someone begging on the street. He laughed and asked if I wanted to sit with him and talk (not pervy). I turned him down and asked if there was anything else he might need, like a meal. He told me that he'd been outside McDonalds so that he'd been given a bunch of cheeseburgers. (I hate McDonalds, so I was grossed out). So I said "anything else?" He said "how about a beer?"

 

Sure. I got him a beer. Mormon girl got the drunk bum a beer. LMAO. Match made in heaven. Sort of. We ended up talking until 5 a.m. Neither one of us really had anywhere to be.

 

It turned out he'd been out there for a dozen or so years. Since his early teens. But he listened to me. Unlike anyone else I had in my life at the time of on the fringes. He listened to me without judgment or harshness and he told me a bunch of stuff about him too. It was surreal. Even the therapist "experts in the field" at the hospital didn't listen like he did. And he made me laugh, like I hadn't in about six weeks.

 

Plus he found out about my financial situation and gave me half of what he made that afternoon. I refused at first but he was pretty insistent. Homeless and sleeping on the park, didn't know me from anyone.

 

He invited me to hang out the next day too. And on it went. He let me know that he was interested too. I found it, well, pretty funny at the time. I was such a train wreck, and so was he. I told him I wasn't ready for anything at all and that I wouldn't under any circumstances date a guy that drank.

 

So.....he quit. Went through DTs in a motel room for three days. He stayed sober for five years straight.

 

We were very close, he never pressured me into dating, sex, anything else. We travelled together 24/7. He taught me how to panhandle etc. I taught him how to drive and open a bank account. LOL. A year and a day to the day we met, we married.

 

We built each other up for five years and had a daughter together. I knew issues would come up. I always figured of two people from our backgrounds could make it, almost anyone could. As soon as he stopped drinking, he gathered so much ambition, he seemed so happy. He set really healthy boundaries with his family. I honestly though I was so lucky that all he needed to do was stop drinking, and then I got the happiest, well-adjusted guy. I couldn't believe my luck.

 

So when it turned out his issues ran much deeper, I didn't cast him aside. I was willing to meet him at 95%/5% even. But he wouldn't do even that. Then he went back to drinking. It was a disaster.

 

I did not want to leave him so messed up. He did not leave me when I was a mess, in fact he loved me. I tried to return that.

 

Yes. He laid himself open for me.. because he trusted that I understood his feelings. And as far as trust goes, I just had to fling myself out there, understanding that I was ALREADY as hurt as I could possibly be. I had nothing left to lose that wasn't already lost.

 

In the depths of a lot of it I truly felt he could only hurt me worse, but not deeper. That really resonated with me.

 

It was really when it directly hurt my daughter that my patience ran out. And ran out very quickly at that.

 

I filed for sole custody while he was going in and out last year. I only pulled back from that when I saw he was taking treatment very seriously and had made 150% effort to support and be there for our daughter. Nothing short of that would've moved me an inch.

[Mr Blunt]

BY-NS

Thanks for all the posters that have been advising me that I need to individually recover, independent of my wayward wife.

I get that.

 

I have posted before to ask these questions:

 

 

1) To be able to individually recover, do I need to leave the relationship or can I also do that while continuing in the relationship?

I started to individually recover in month 6 while my wife was struggling to break away from the OM. So I was somewhat still in the relationship although I also divorced her at around the 6, month mark. So I think that you can individually recover while in the relationship or if you leave the relationship.

 

 

 

2) If I can stay in the relationship, I understand that I should follow the 180. Are there any books or other resources that deal with the topic of recovering WITHOUT the help of one's wayward spouse?

I used the books of my Christian faith

 

 

3) I don't have too many interests in life. My biggest interest was having a beautiful wife who would love and support me no matter what. Since that interest is no longer possible to achieve (as of now), what should I do about developing other interests? I have "tried" to be interested in my work (which I am and I work for those 8 hours in the day), in biking, in meditation, reading, spiritual pursuits, etc. I had also started individual counseling. All of these do help to some degree (while I do those activities), but why have I not yet individually healed? I tried all this for 9 months now and I almost feel the same as I did 9 months ago. What am I doing wrong?

 

First I do not think that 9 months of effort is enough time to individually heal. If I remember right you said in an earlier posts that your effort was less than 9 months so that is even less time. At 11 months she made a decision that was 100% against me and 100% for the OM and at that point I was ready to live without her; in fact I was greatly relieved that she left and I was looking forward to a life without her.

I had no doubt that I would have made a good life without her but she came crawling back. At that point I continued to do things that would increase my individual recovery while she was back in the house. She was remorseful and I did not treat her badly but I continued to do things to build myself up. I had help from family, faith, and counseling and although I saw improvement in year 1 and 2, I noticed a very strong improvement in year 3 and 4.

 

 

 

 

I realize that you are very anxious to get individually healed but that is not going to happen in the first year. However, you have to keep at it so you can improve every several months until you get a lot stronger. I have told you several times that you need to put your efforts into you and not spend time depending on your wife to do what she needs to do to help you. It would be great if she would do what has been suggested by many posters on this thread but so far she has not done near enough to do her part. That being the case then do not waste your time depending on her but depend on YOU for now. If you get stronger you can help her in the future if that is what you both want at that time.

Here below is a reprint of one of your recent last posts that confirms that you are wasting your time and energy hoping she will give you the right help

BY NS

Now, when I have needed her help in my extreme pain, where the hell is she? Still stuck in her own "illness"? Or should I call it selfishness?

 

 

There is no easy fix for any of what you want. You are going to have to work at building yourself up for a few years and when you fail and get disappointed and discouraged then get back up and go at it some more. I know that is not what you want to hear but that is what it takes in long term recovery. If your wife starts doing what the posters have been saying then you can include her in your recovery but do not stop your own efforts for yourself but just add her contributions.

 

 

 

 

You have a choice. You can continue to keep hoping for your wife to do what she needs to do to help you more or you can look at her actions and see the reality that you are going to have to help yourself more.

 

Which one are you going to do?

[dreamingoftigers]

Some others may have found that disassociating themselves from such a selfish person allowed them to find healing.

 

I truly had to find myself and realize that I truly did not "need" this person in order to be a whole individual. THAT is what made me healthy for either reconciliation or divorce.

 

I found that I was proud of myself, regardless of any rejection by my spouse.

 

I found during my husband's absence that other's company wasn't a bandaid for the pain I was feeling.

 

But I also discovered that I really did love myself, and part of what I loved was that I did all that I could conceivably could to keep my family together, despite seemingly insurmountable odds. I felt proud of myself for weathering a lot and doing all that I could.

 

I had to really hit the wall before I realized "all that I could do" was not the same thing as "sacrificing every waking ment of my life to do all that was universally possible."

[Mr Blunt]

 

 

 

 

Originally Posted by JohnAdams

NS...I have read enough of your story to know that you sincerely want to reconcile. I understand that you are willing to do what is necessary. However, do not become a doormat to achieve this result.

 

By NS

Dear Mr. John,

I respect the advice that you and Mrs. John Adams have been giving me. I am not being a doormat (in my perception), because I still allow myself to feel anger and pain. My wife sees me during these times, and I make it very obvious to her that I DO plan to move on, one way or another

 

John is a very valuable resource he is a husband like you and has been successful for many years after being betrayed. When he says for you to not be a doormat , you should take a longer look at that and reconsider your answer you gave below:

 

I am not being a doormat (in my perception), because I still allow myself to feel anger and pain.

 

NS, allowing yourself to feel pain and anger does not prevent you from becoming a door mat.

 

 

 

In fact feeling anger and pain without the right actions to help you recover will weaken you. What can make you a doormat is just talking and threatening without any actions. Some actions you might consider is that you stop trying to change her and change yourself so that she can see you are becoming a lot less dependent on her. Let her see you getting more independent without telling her. Your actions will speak louder than words.

 

An added bonus to your independent growth maybe that it will move her into the attitude that the posters and the Linda McDonald book details.

[M1ke12]

These two quotes really stand out for me. For different reasons.

 

 

 

When I met my husband I was suicidal.

I had been diagnosed with BPD, left by my fiance mere weeks before our wedding, hospitalized and then released. My parents didn't give a damn and most friends didn't have a clue what to do.

 

I discovered I didn't quite have the courage to kill myself. I could get the energy to for a short time, but not enough to cross the threshold.

So I decided to go for a very long walk, and whatever happened, happened.

 

I went from my province to a neighboring one, slowly ran low on money. Then one day in mid-sized town I pretty much gave up. I wasn't going to be able to go further, I had caught a sickness on the way too, so I was pretty down, pretty drained. Hire a student was only calling every other day or so and it just wasn't enough to get by. I went for a walk downtown and this bum sat outside the McDonalds on the main street and asked me for change. I had a loonie on me. So I gave it to him. He asked me how my day was, I started bitching like you wouldn't believe. Then I felt pretty awful. I was complaining to someone begging on the street. He laughed and asked if I wanted to sit with him and talk (not pervy). I turned him down and asked if there was anything else he might need, like a meal. He told me that he'd been outside McDonalds so that he'd been given a bunch of cheeseburgers. (I hate McDonalds, so I was grossed out). So I said "anything else?" He said "how about a beer?"

 

Sure. I got him a beer. Mormon girl got the drunk bum a beer. LMAO. Match made in heaven. Sort of. We ended up talking until 5 a.m. Neither one of us really had anywhere to be.

 

It turned out he'd been out there for a dozen or so years. Since his early teens. But he listened to me. Unlike anyone else I had in my life at the time of on the fringes. He listened to me without judgment or harshness and he told me a bunch of stuff about him too. It was surreal. Even the therapist "experts in the field" at the hospital didn't listen like he did. And he made me laugh, like I hadn't in about six weeks.

 

Plus he found out about my financial situation and gave me half of what he made that afternoon. I refused at first but he was pretty insistent. Homeless and sleeping on the park, didn't know me from anyone.

 

He invited me to hang out the next day too. And on it went. He let me know that he was interested too. I found it, well, pretty funny at the time. I was such a train wreck, and so was he. I told him I wasn't ready for anything at all and that I wouldn't under any circumstances date a guy that drank.

 

So.....he quit. Went through DTs in a motel room for three days. He stayed sober for five years straight.

 

We were very close, he never pressured me into dating, sex, anything else. We travelled together 24/7. He taught me how to panhandle etc. I taught him how to drive and open a bank account. LOL. A year and a day to the day we met, we married.

 

We built each other up for five years and had a daughter together. I knew issues would come up. I always figured of two people from our backgrounds could make it, almost anyone could. As soon as he stopped drinking, he gathered so much ambition, he seemed so happy. He set really healthy boundaries with his family. I honestly though I was so lucky that all he needed to do was stop drinking, and then I got the happiest, well-adjusted guy. I couldn't believe my luck.

 

So when it turned out his issues ran much deeper, I didn't cast him aside. I was willing to meet him at 95%/5% even. But he wouldn't do even that. Then he went back to drinking. It was a disaster.

 

I did not want to leave him so messed up. He did not leave me when I was a mess, in fact he loved me. I tried to return that.

 

 

 

In the depths of a lot of it I truly felt he could only hurt me worse, but not deeper. That really resonated with me.

 

It was really when it directly hurt my daughter that my patience ran out. And ran out very quickly at that.

 

I filed for sole custody while he was going in and out last year. I only pulled back from that when I saw he was taking treatment very seriously and had made 150% effort to support and be there for our daughter. Nothing short of that would've moved me an inch.

Wow, what a story. Much respect.

[katielee]

What could be worse than hitting rock bottom? You can either choose healing or bitterness at that point. For some people it will mean reconciliation, for some it will mean divorce. For me, I understood innately that if I didn't work through the process, I'd end up bitter. And giving myself to the process allowed me to find healing.

 

this does take some time though....

[MadJackBird]

Wow. Four more pages and we haven't gotten an answer to the very first step he needs to actually earn trust and heal. Let me ask again.

 

NS,

 

Have you asked your wife for access to all her online accounts/passwords? What is her answer?

 

I'm going to assume her answer is going to be something wishy washy, non committal, crap about needing her privacy. At that point you should say calmly to her, "if I cannot trust you then I don't understand why this marriage is worth saving, and you should tell her you are contacting a lawyer to start the proceedings to divorce her." This would be an example of NOT BEING A DOORMAT. And if you are not being a doormat she may very well start really wanting to reconcile.

 

It really is that simple. Whoever said 4 pages ago we are going in circles is right. We've just spent 4 more pages not addressing the HUGE ELEPHANT in the room, and that is the fact that she still is hiding passwords and communication for you.

[katielee]

 

We've just spent 4 more pages not addressing the HUGE ELEPHANT in the room, and that is the fact that she still is hiding passwords and communication for you.

 

Correct. Passwords or divorce, I would say to her.

[dreamingoftigers]

I never wanted "breaking down" or "begging". I wanted his love. I wanted him to feel my love. How can you say you love someone and want to break them? I got broken, that's true. But you can either respond to that with vengeance or with introspection.... ie. what was my part in the "disconnection"?

 

Feelings are ALWAYS valid. They might not make sense to you and me, but they're always authentic to the one who feels them. In my situation, when I explored my spouse's feelings, walked a mile in his shoes, I could understand how his perceptions lead to his poor choices.

 

Maybe that's your situation; maybe it isn't. Only you can decide.

 

I didn't sit there rubbing my hands for him to fall apart either.

 

It really just felt like being pushed to the very edge of his existence, which was very hard. Very painful for me.

 

But when he broke down, it was sort of the first major breakthrough that he wasn't doing just to " prove something" (that's not QUITE what I am trying to say, but I can't find the words). It wasn't until marital counseling that displaying vulnerability was a building block to intimacy. But him breaking down was particularly striking because it was very very outside the "You're just trying to shame / control / make me feel bad when you cry or won't just GET OVER IT!" (He was saying this stuff like two days after D-day LOL).

 

I just always figured that he was trying to defend the cheating and get me to shut up about it and not question it or frankly, set ANY kind of boundaries for myself. Which made things a lot worse. It made more far more stubborn about exploring functional relationships and dynamics of people that cheat. He practically lead me to the blueprints for kicking his butt.

[dreamingoftigers]

Correct. Passwords or divorce, I would say to her.

 

This seems very basic.

 

However, it could be just as simple as ignoring her (pretty much 180) until she starts offering things.

 

Waywards often suck being given ultimatums.

 

But if you are ready to make the move to file, of course go ahead.

[dreamingoftigers]

Wow, what a story. Much respect.

 

I just wanted to add that he didn't know I filed for custody, next steps were divorce. The main thing is I wanted custody to be separate and not look like a "ploy" or punishment as part of a divorce.

 

It takes a considerable amount of time for both of those things to be processed and I thought he was beyond checked out.

 

Actually, I'm not sure if I've told him I filed and backed off. It didn't get beyond initial paperwork. I can't remember if we covered it in MC or not. (It takes MONTHS unless there's an emergency. And divorce itself requires a year-long separation, which is difficult to prove with him because he doesn't "move out and get a new place" he would go back to the street.)

 

Regardless, he came back on his own volition. Not because I used custody, financials (yeah, right) or our daughter in any way.

[MadJackBird]

This seems very basic.

 

However, it could be just as simple as ignoring her (pretty much 180) until she starts offering things.

 

Waywards often suck being given ultimatums.

 

But if you are ready to make the move to file, of course go ahead.

 

Yeah that makes sense. Waywards have already shown the don't really care about boundaries. When the BS starts to try to establish boundaries, it sort of rocks their world.

[katielee]

I think it's been mentioned on this thread before - you have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it.

[merrmeade]

Even my clueless husband gave immediate access to all his accounts. It's definitely a gesture of trust, surrender and good intentions that goes a long way.

[OneLov]

There is a risk that I'm actually fostering my wife's sense of hiding her guilt.

 

That is very true. It's a risk you take with that approach. But any approach to reconciliation carries risk and that is why it is so difficult to undertake. But if both commit to honestly trying, it can be rewarding.

 

 

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

~ Gandhi

[GorillaTheater]

I think it's been mentioned on this thread before - you have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it.

 

 

This is a profound truth that merits a lot of thought and introspection. When I thought I might be dealing with infidelity (never confirmed one way or the other) but was certainly dealing with a lot of hostility on one hand and coldness on the other, I was scared as hell at first. Does my wife still love me? Is she seeing someone else? Am I going to wind up divorced? What's going to happen to the kids?

 

 

That sh*t will eat you up. But I progressed through it over a period of months. In imagining every worst case scenario, I gradually became confident of my ability to deal with it. It would be hard, it would suck for everyone involved, but I could handle it. When I slowly came to that realization, it was HUGELY liberating. I was no longer acting out of fear. And it was that self-confidence that played a major role in turning things around. I have no doubt my wife knew I was afraid before, but wasn't any longer, and that forced her to take a hard look at her self.

 

 

Things are much better now. But that didn't begin to happen until I let go of the marriage and my fear. I hope I'm explaining this adequately, because I think it's absolutely vital.

[BettyDraper]

Correct. Passwords or divorce, I would say to her.

 

I agree. NS, are you willing to do this or are you going to keep making excuses?

 

I thought that you learned to stand up for yourself but it looks like you have gone back to hand wringing and codependence.

[Clay]

I agree. NS, are you willing to do this or are you going to keep making excuses?

 

I thought that you learned to stand up for yourself but it looks like you have gone back to hand wringing and codependence.

 

He hasn't learned because he is honestly not ready to give up on his approach. Just like others before him he will need to be kicked by her a few more times before things really start to sink in. While it sucks but in trust I think we all had to learn somethings the hard way.

 

I hope for his case it happens sooner than later but chances are he is going to suffer for a longer period of time than any of us would like.

 

The thing that always stuck in my head is you have to be really ready to throw it all away in order to save it.

 

C

[William]

Folks, moderation tends to look in on long threads to see how things are going and this is a long thread, apparently about dealing with a wife's affair and, while reading the last 100 posts or so, one general thought did occur which may be helpful moving forward and to keep members away from the attention of moderation.

 

1. It's often suggested on these forums to take the content one wants and leave the rest. Some members simply ignore content and others take a more active approach, that being putting members on ignore. If one's advice or questions are being ignored by the thread starter, that's valid. Hammering away at them or guilting them into a response is berating under our guidelines and subject to sanction. It's entirely possible that the thread starter doesn't even see your postings, or is ignoring them, and that is their right and privilege.

 

2. No member is required as a condition of membership to adhere to, follow, consider, or even read any posting on this web site. It's completely voluntary, as is every post placed here. Again, attempts to compel a thread starter or bend their will to one's own opinion or agenda is covered under our berating guidelines. Offer your opinion or advice and accept the results. If you have further commentary on the topic itself and wish to offer it, do so. The thread starter posts the topic. Discussion which follows addresses it.

 

I didn't sanction anyone or edit anything, so far, rather am explaining how moderation processes these long threads where repetition may come into play. Any discussion or clarification of this process will occur privately. Thanks for reading.

Edited January 27, 2016 by William

[Southern Sun]

NS, I have hesitated to jump into this thread. I am a fWW and have struggled in my own reconciliation process, which of course will color my reaction to this. But that's the way of things on this forum. Our experiences color our responses. So...

 

I'm just wondering if anyone has thought at all about why your WW may be acting the way she is? Beyond the typical explanation of, she's a cheater, she's still cheating, blah, blah. I mean, honestly, what I see in all your postings is a dramatic, nearly hysterical man, begging, pleading, no, almost demanding for her to do EVERYTHING to make this reconciliation work. There is no meeting somewhere on common ground. I'm not saying you have to meet in the middle. I get the whole thing about the waywards doing the work. But what you are asking may be almost impossible, nearly super-human. She may see it that way. She may think, my god, I've bent myself into a pretzel for three months, when he said jump, I said how high, over and over and over. And yet as you said in your own words, you would "cry profusely" every day, even NINE MONTHS LATER, expecting her to somehow make it stop with her heroic efforts, and you literally doing NOTHING. You go on and on here on this forum about your horrible pain - we get it. It's hideous, one of the worst pains you can fathom. But man...come on! At some point you really do have to pull yourself up! She cannot do everything! I'm just wondering if you literally exhausted her to the point that she felt hopeless, terrified, that it was all pointless. She may not have been perfect in her efforts by any means, but I'm not seeing perfection in you either.

 

I know 3 months is nothing in "infidelity years." 9 months is still new. But for you to continue to be "crying profusely" every damn morning, for you to lose it at a presentation at work in front of executives...holy cow. Either she is sensing this as manipulative from you (which is VERY unappealing and honestly disturbing and worrisome...destabilizing) or she is realizing that you have little to no coping skills and she is backing slowly, carefully, quietly away. Honestly, she has already claimed you scare her in other ways.

 

I am not excusing her behavior. But as others have said, at some point you have to stop stomping around like a toddler and perhaps receive some of her actions towards reconciliation genuinely.

 

And one thing I've noticed - EVERY TIME someone on here has POINTEDLY asked you if you have requested her passwords, you simply don't answer. What's up with that? It makes me wonder what this deal is with transparency. Are you afraid to ask? Would she turn it over if you asked? Are you making a big deal to us for sympathy? WHY DON'T YOU ASK??? Yes, she should offer it to you. But what's the deal? Why won't you even answer us?

 

You also spend a lot of time defending your own behavior, which looks funny to me.

 

Anyway. I just had to throw in my $0.02. I understand your pain, I really do. But something is off.

[Southern Sun]

NS - I can also relate to feeling taken advantage of by my xMM. He was also my boss. Lots of similarities. I felt manipulated, etc. But that was a phase, an anger period. He WAS manipulative at times in our relationship. But I had to get through that phase and do lots of self-reflection to fully admit to myself that I went into the affair of my own accord, participated voluntarily, and yes, developed feelings. I did not chase the affair (he pursued me). It happened, I owned it, I finally had to tell my BH there was no need to be more angry at xMM than me, when I had laid down in the same mud.

 

Her moving out of the bedroom could legitimately be her feelings of victim-hood. I actually did feel like a victim for a while. In fact, I had a very difficult time, knowing that I was a perpetrator in the eyes of my BH, but that I felt victimized by the xMM. Now whether this was legitimately TRUE is of no consequence to this discussion. I FELT it to be true at the time, and as we've said in this thread, feelings simply ARE. And that amounts to emotional abuse, when you've been through something like that, or when it feels as though you have. Perhaps now she is realizing she was not actually abused (liberal use of the word), she participated equally. But that takes time and processing, as it did for me.

 

She could also be confused about her feelings. Perhaps she fell in love, or thought she did. Now it is confusing to her because the MM tried to blackmail her. That is called "cognitive dissonance." Something she thought was "real" now proves itself not to be. Her world was turned upside down. It's not unlike how YOU felt when you discovered your wife was a cheater. Sorry, I hate to draw that comparison. Just trying to give you a window into what may have been happening in her mind once she realized everything with xMM was a sham. She could have had difficulty dealing with those complicated feelings - being used, manipulated, lied to, etc. Kind of like how you feel about her. Yet that's hard for her to explain, because she only feels that way because she cheated on you. So it's almost like she doesn't have a right to feel that way. She may have been trying to work through those feelings without burdening you. Make sense?

 

Finally, she may be withdrawing somewhat because you appear to be a bottomless pit of need. On top of all of her own difficulties (which, even though it's not "fair", she still has them), you are emotionally an absolute disaster and have been for a long time, with no end in sight. She may simply be overwhelmed.

 

I've been there.

[merrmeade]

Posting here is something, not nothing. Even then, it's all on the WS to prove s/he will do what it takes, and any BS knows (and we've all read) that the post d-day trauma precludes being pro-active or whatever not "doing NOTHING" would be.

 

Otherwise, agree with everything else SOuthern Sun said.