Dealing with wife's affair.

[Naively.Sensitive]

It took me at least a year after dday to start being able to function. I think i cried everyday for a year at least, anxiety was through the roof, nightmares, sleep problems, weight loss, hopelessness. Mind you, this was with the support of my wh. After my utter depresdion started to lift I began to see things for what they were. Some people have more clarity and early on. I think thats the key ..moving out of the soul sucking depression. If you havent seen a doctor for antidepressants now is the time. Give it a shot. Like you said you cant keep living this way. True! You are going to have to help yourself! As a person with a codependant personality, you need to work on this because Im sure you dont like the feeling of being so tied to someone who is emotionally unavailable. I remember as a kid, I had two friends. As you know three is an odd number. For whatever reason these friends were leaving me out. I so nadly wanted to be their friend and one of them said ok if you kiss my feet you can. I stupidly did. That memory has stuck with me ever since. The point being you can probably think back in time and recognize other instances when you didnt believe/stick up for yourself. This kind of thing follows you and then you allow abuse. The desire to be wanted and needed is soo strong but at what cost NS? You need you. She should be an addition to your life. Just by what you say you need to work on becoming a healthier version of you. You know this! Go forward !

 

I can relate to everything you mentioned here. Its been less than a year and I have been suffering tremendously, in the same ways you mentioned..... Excruciating pain, even physical pain, in my abdomen and chest, crying almost everyday, nightmares, sometimes no sleep, a complete loss of appetite, weight loss, not being able to live my daily life properly, dragging along, 1 day at a time, needing support everyday.

 

Yes, I'm trying to independently move on now. I'm trying to build my self worth, trying to take care of myself. If I recover independently, I would not want to be with my wife, because she proved to me that she could not be there for me when I needed her the most. It would be over. I don't exist in this world simply to give, give, give and not be able to get anything back when I need it the most and when what I need is something so basic.... Complete support from my wife for helping me recover, for destroying my world. Is that too much to ask for?

 

I have been slowly reaching a point at which her inactions are making me stronger, with the realization that nobody is REALLY there for someone when they are needed, not even your spouse. We all come into this world alone and naked and we all leave this world alone. She is becoming nothing more than a painful memory.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Ns.....

 

It is easy for us to sit back and observe your life and throw out advice. You dear friend are living it. I feel your pain and your frustration. I feel your helplessness. I feel your torment....I am sending heart hugs to you. I wish I could sit by you and hold your hand and give you support. It breaks my heart. I can hear in your words the words of my love John.....and I cannot imagine why your wife does not embrace you and the two of you cry together like John and I did.

 

The sadness of what we lost was overwhelming...and the realization that no matter what I do...I can never give back to him what I took away..was heartbreaking.

 

I pray for you every day....and I want you to know both John and I think of you....your story has touched our hearts.

 

Hang in there....the process is slow...love your children. Pour yourself into your children. Cling to your children.....love them with all your power....concentrate on them. See their joy...laugh with them. Take them places....

 

The best cure for sadness is sweet laughter with innocent children. See your therapist and enact a plan for your healing.

 

And meanwhile....your wife watches....she sees your devotion to those babies....and maybe down the road....just maybe....she will do the right thing.

 

But whether she does or not....you will survive and your children will have the father they need.

[turnera]

The honest truth is that I have been in so much pain that it has been self absorbing to be honest.

Ya think?

 

I do know a little about what they are going through, but my wife tends to hoard them to a large extent, probably partly because its her intuitive motherly nature to care for them (and worry for them) to an excessive degree and also probably because she feels insecure and in need of them to prove her motherly capabilities.

Or...she sees that you are a blubbering mess, mentally speaking, and she's trying to protect the kids from you, so they don't freak out, too.

 

NS, the only thing I think you need to be doing at this stage is getting your own place, filling all your time with therapy at least twice a week, and meds if the therapist thinks you need it, so that you can rewire your brain and stop letting something like this debilitate you for almost a year.

[turnera]

I KNOW, first hand. Yes, this stays with kids for their life time.

 

But why are you telling ME this? I am not the one that had the affair. My wife did. What example are you envisioning me to really show them?

Because you are willingly, even gleefully, wearing the mantle of VICTIM so fiercely, so proudly, that it's keeping you from moving on. And THAT is what you are teaching your kids: that if something upsets them, they have no power, no control, and their only response is to curl up in a ball and cry and feel sorry for themselves.

 

We are envisioning you showing them a man who changes his life, who moves forward, who doesn't let his wife's actions DEFINE him, who takes responsibility for his side of the street and keeps the family moving forward because it's the right thing to do.

[Naively.Sensitive]

In the last 10 minutes I have felt much better than I have felt in many many months. It feels like I'm seeing some light!

 

Last night I told my wife that I did NOT want her to fix me any lunch, or any meals, and that I was going to make my own meals. I told her not to fix me any coffee in the morning.

I'm actually happy that she is not in the bedroom with me anymore. It felt "fake".

 

This morning, I fixed myself some coffee and am about to leave for work.

The marriage counseling appointment is later today.

 

How is that for progress? Am I on the right path for 180?

 

I intend to bring out in the marriage counseling session today that I have a certain basic need of a wife. If she cannot take that role to help me recover through this crisis, then she is not going to be my wife for much longer.

 

I intend to bring out during this session that in order to even continue in this relationship I need:

 

1) A full transparency of the messages and calls on your cellphone, other devices and email addresses. No hidden email addresses, devices or passwords.

2) Apologize sincerely and often. Look me in the eyes, stay present and understand my extreme pain, while holding my hands. Don't run.

3) Be physically present for me at night and weekends as a priority, as schedules allow, demonstrating that you will not leave my side.

4) Don't blame me for any of my pain or emotional reactions that I battle.

5) Don't link your actions and choices of the affair with the state of the relationship before it.

6) Be willing to talk about your and my feelings and actions, then and now, openly.

7) Proactively communicate, be vulnerable and be willing to allow me to assist you emotionally in your own pain. This shows you need me too, just like I need you.

8) Connect with me all the way from the grassroot level (sharing my pain and happiness) and if possible, at the superficial levels too (playing board games, watching movies and doing activities and tasks together)

9) Be sensitive to my emotional triggers of the affair, e.g. laughing on the phone with a man, another man's clothes in our bag, connecting emotionally with another man, etc.

10) Eventually, fully connect with me, emotionally, and sexually.

 

I am so grateful for all the feedback from the posters who have struggled and continue to struggle.

Do these above needs sound reasonable?

[Naively.Sensitive]

Because you are willingly, even gleefully, wearing the mantle of VICTIM so fiercely, so proudly, that it's keeping you from moving on. And THAT is what you are teaching your kids: that if something upsets them, they have no power, no control, and their only response is to curl up in a ball and cry and feel sorry for themselves.

 

We are envisioning you showing them a man who changes his life, who moves forward, who doesn't let his wife's actions DEFINE him, who takes responsibility for his side of the street and keeps the family moving forward because it's the right thing to do.

 

What is, just is. This has affected me in these ways and it just has. There was no choice because if one cries, one just cries. Its physically impossible to stop pain.

 

What I am doing after I grieve IS a choice, and I AM taking responsibility for my own well being as best as I'm capable.

 

I'm also being an example to my kids showing them that its OK to grieve and cry and not bottle up your emotions. That is as valuable an example as any other. Besides, this is not about conscious choices. The best I can do is not cry in front of them, which is what I privately do in my room.

We cannot live our lives at all times to simply ONLY be an example, even to our kids. Our life is for US to live. We have to be able to feel our painful emotions (but not react on them). That is a good example anyway.

[turnera]

Please print out the thread and hand it to the MC.

[OneLov]

???? Happy 1000 ????

 

I say that because I sincerely hope every future post from NS is describing HIS choice and journey to happiness. I hope you do this for yourself NS. You're a genuinely good person, and you don't deserve to keep suffering for her actions. Rise above. Others around you will be inspired to rise with you instead of sinking into depths of despair with her.

[drifter777]

Actually, you aren't doing a 180 so I can't say whether your doing good or bad with it. If you were doing a 180 you wouldn't be going to MC and state that you, basically, are giving her yet another chance to meet your needs. It is pathetic because it's been going on so long.

 

You can't or won't leave your home. Either way this fact means your not all in trying to get back some self-respect, self-esteem, and begin to heal. It means you are still all in trying anything to save your marriage. To hold it up by yourself and then bitch about having to hold it up by yourself.

 

When you do the 180 you don't have to ask "how am I doing" with the 180. I mean, no contact and filing for divorce are not things that you work at. They're the things you do that define the 180.

 

So patting yourself on the back about kicking her out of the bedroom and telling her to not make your lunch or coffee is great. It's a feeble start, but it's a start. I advise you going to MC today and making it clear to WW and counselor that you are finished with this marriage and moving forward with your own healing. That you are filing for divorce and you don't want any contact with WW unless it is absolutely necessary to talk about the children. Then say goodbye and walk out. You think you felt good about what you did this morning? Well, you'll be feel so good you'll be walking on air when you leave that office.

[Mr Blunt]

NS

How many of the 180 listed below are you doing?

The 180

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

You have already started to do a few things that will help you get better. Make sure that you diligently seek out getting involved in actions that will get you stronger in mind, body, emotions and spirit. WILL YOU DO THAT?

[13Hearts]

Last night I told my wife that I did NOT want her to fix me any lunch, or any meals, and that I was going to make my own meals. I told her not to fix me any coffee in the morning.

 

I intend to bring out in the marriage counseling session today that I have a certain basic need of a wife. If she cannot take that role to help me recover through this crisis, then she is not going to be my wife for much longer.

 

I intend to bring out during this session that in order to even continue in this relationship I need:

 

1) A full transparency of the messages and calls on your cellphone, other devices and email addresses. No hidden email addresses, devices or passwords.

2) Apologize sincerely and often. Look me in the eyes, stay present and understand my extreme pain, while holding my hands. Don't run.

3) Be physically present for me at night and weekends as a priority, as schedules allow, demonstrating that you will not leave my side.

4) Don't blame me for any of my pain or emotional reactions that I battle.

5) Don't link your actions and choices of the affair with the state of the relationship before it.

6) Be willing to talk about your and my feelings and actions, then and now, openly.

7) Proactively communicate, be vulnerable and be willing to allow me to assist you emotionally in your own pain. This shows you need me too, just like I need you.

8) Connect with me all the way from the grassroot level (sharing my pain and happiness) and if possible, at the superficial levels too (playing board games, watching movies and doing activities and tasks together)

9) Be sensitive to my emotional triggers of the affair, e.g. laughing on the phone with a man, another man's clothes in our bag, connecting emotionally with another man, etc.

10) Eventually, fully connect with me, emotionally, and sexually.

 

Do these above needs sound reasonable?

I am glad you feel better and are seeing the light. It is good that you are taking back some of your independence. Independence is beneficial to all individuals. It is good that you have made this list for the simple fact that it has apparently given you some strength. That is good, strength is good, so I say go ahead and roll with it. But at the same time, you may want to think about this for a second: This list defines all the ways you want to control her. Her behavior. You make it clear when you say you are going to threaten her that unless she does what you say, you will divorce her. Which is completely understandable but still dysfunctional. You're still reacting. To her. To what she did. "To you."

 

I put "To you" in parenthesis because if you can separate her from you for a moment, you can see clearly what she actually did, she did to HERSELF. Not you. You weren't there. You were not part of the equation. She degraded HERSELF. She went back on the promises SHE made. Yes, it hurt, but you can control the hurt. ONLY YOU are responsible for your hurt. Not her. You are responsible for your feelings just as I am responsible for mine. YOU are the ONLY person on earth who can control YOUR feelings.

 

Do not be afraid that you will leave her behind if you recover from your own pain on your own. She does not cease being your spouse just because you learn how to manage your own emotions. I don't want to throw too much at you right now but there is a way to quickly gain control over your feelings and emotions. And that way is to wrestle control of your thoughts away from the little, hurting person inside of you. Change your thoughts by changing your perspective. Tell yourself the opposite of your hurtful feelings. Feel like a nobody because of what has happened? Tell yourself repeatedly what makes you uniquely you. Actively build your self-esteem back up. Talk to many people. Look for new perspectives. Adopt new understandings. Learn as you go. And soon, your pain will subside.

 

Keep trying everything that makes you feel better that is within the boundaries of your own morals and values. Do not cross your own lines. But start working on controlling YOU, and stop trying to control her. When you use another person's fear to get what you want, you are only a tyrant. Tyrranical relationships do not make good marriages.

[13Hearts]

I have been slowly reaching a point at which her inactions are making me stronger, with the realization that nobody is REALLY there for someone when they are needed, not even your spouse. We all come into this world alone and naked and we all leave this world alone. She is becoming nothing more than a painful memory.

You scared me here because I thought, for sure, that you had read my mind. It is a harsh reality, yes, but after going through what I described to you last night with my ex-fiance, I said those same words to myself. You come into this world alone, and you leave this world alone, no matter who has been with you along the way and in what capacity.

 

I have never been married and I have never found the right person for me, a person I would marry. (I am very independent; had to become so once I realized that marriage does not equal security). And I grew to feel somewhat sorry for married people because all the married people I knew seemed to have stopped growing emotionally. Now, I don't mean that as an insult or complaint. Only an observation. You, Naively, have been offered a once in a lifetime opportunity to be pushed into some serious emotional growth, out of necessity. I say take advantage of it.

[Naively.Sensitive]

And so - all of this is completely dependent on her.

 

SHE STILL holds all the POWER!

 

When a shift comes that proves that YOU hold all YOUR power - that is when things will change!

 

There's not one thing listed that shows what you plan to DO, for yourself, when she doesn't follow your requests.

 

What action do you plan to take?

 

When your kids see that YOU have a boundary and you stick to that no matter what - they will learn what self respect looks like. You'll also begin to understand how it feels to respect yourself - so much, that it won't matter what SHE does or doesn't do... You will still take actions that show evidence that YOU have expectations and if anyone doesn't fall within that guideline - they don't deserve your time and/or attention.

 

That's when you will feel a shift in this power struggle!

 

I will post an account of the marriage counseling session today. It was not very helpful because the marriage counselor does not seem to understand that she is dealing with the emotional trauma of an affair. I will give it 1 more session after which I plan to wave her goodbye.

Basically, it came out that I'm seriously considering divorce because things are not working out.

Also, it came out that I asked my wife to leave the bedroom and she has already left since the last 3 days. I don't intend to ask her to come back until my expectations are met. I have taken control of my own life and have started to independently heal now.

I don't think about my wife much now, I don't expect anything from her and I won't take anything less than what I really need from the relationship I deserve.

[turnera]

I don't think about my wife much now, I don't expect anything from her and I won't take anything less than what I really need from the relationship I deserve.

Yeah, sure.

[Naively.Sensitive]

NS

How many of the 180 listed below are you doing?

 

The 180

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

 

You have already started to do a few things that will help you get better. Make sure that you diligently seek out getting involved in actions that will get you stronger in mind, body, emotions and spirit. WILL YOU DO THAT?

 

Yes, I'm already doing some actions that are making me stronger in mind and emotions, I have yet to work on the body part, but I plan to start some basic workouts for 20 minutes everyday.

 

I am doing these (from the list above): 11, 13, 14, 26.

I still struggle with a lot of pain so I find it hard to do everything. It seems like I'm getting better though.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Yeah, sure.

 

I'm talking about since the last 2 days.

[Naively.Sensitive]

I am glad you feel better and are seeing the light. It is good that you are taking back some of your independence. Independence is beneficial to all individuals. It is good that you have made this list for the simple fact that it has apparently given you some strength. That is good, strength is good, so I say go ahead and roll with it. But at the same time, you may want to think about this for a second: This list defines all the ways you want to control her. Her behavior. You make it clear when you say you are going to threaten her that unless she does what you say, you will divorce her. Which is completely understandable but still dysfunctional. You're still reacting. To her. To what she did. "To you."

 

I put "To you" in parenthesis because if you can separate her from you for a moment, you can see clearly what she actually did, she did to HERSELF. Not you. You weren't there. You were not part of the equation. She degraded HERSELF. She went back on the promises SHE made. Yes, it hurt, but you can control the hurt. ONLY YOU are responsible for your hurt. Not her. You are responsible for your feelings just as I am responsible for mine. YOU are the ONLY person on earth who can control YOUR feelings.

 

Do not be afraid that you will leave her behind if you recover from your own pain on your own. She does not cease being your spouse just because you learn how to manage your own emotions. I don't want to throw too much at you right now but there is a way to quickly gain control over your feelings and emotions. And that way is to wrestle control of your thoughts away from the little, hurting person inside of you. Change your thoughts by changing your perspective. Tell yourself the opposite of your hurtful feelings. Feel like a nobody because of what has happened? Tell yourself repeatedly what makes you uniquely you. Actively build your self-esteem back up. Talk to many people. Look for new perspectives. Adopt new understandings. Learn as you go. And soon, your pain will subside.

 

Keep trying everything that makes you feel better that is within the boundaries of your own morals and values. Do not cross your own lines. But start working on controlling YOU, and stop trying to control her. When you use another person's fear to get what you want, you are only a tyrant. Tyrranical relationships do not make good marriages.

 

I understand everything you are saying, but what makes a relationship necessary in the first place? It is not about control. It is about needs. If one expresses ones needs to one's partner in the relationship and says that unless those needs are met, there is no point in the relationship, I don't view that as control, but as honest communication of one's needs.

 

Your description of a person is being extremely ideal and perfect if that person is 100% spiritually aligned, where nothing affects a person. In reality if we exist in this world, we are constantly battling against our human imperfections. Those imperfections include the fact that we feel pain, that we are hurt when someone loved betrays us, that it takes time to heal, that we need support to heal. Basically, as human beings we all have certain needs, otherwise we would not be human.

 

I am already trying to wrestle with my own thoughts and change my perspective, but that new perspective should not include being resigned to stay in a relationship that don't meet my expectations. I have a limited human experience. Why should I spend it with a person who does not live upto my basic moral, and human standards?

You are right in the fact that my wife disrespected herself by doing what she did, but why should I have to be around such a person who is incapable of taking full responsibility for her actions and doing what one would normally expect any wife to do, to help heal her husband? I will heal, independently if I have to, and by then if my wife has lost all her respect in my eyes, there is no particular reason to be with her. There would be nothing inspiring about her as a basic human being.

[turnera]

Originally Posted by Naively.Sensitive View Post

I don't think about my wife much now, I don't expect anything from her and I won't take anything less than what I really need from the relationship I deserve.

 

I'm talking about since the last 2 days.

So in two days you've stopped thinking about her? You've stopped expecting anything from her? You're ready to move out? In two days?

[Jersey born raised]

Who is this therapist ? What is their background ? What is the nature of their experience and training ? How did you come to use them ?

 

Please answer the same questions for your IC.

 

It is beyond any sense of reality that your MC does not grasp your emotional trauma.

 

Please go back and re-read your response to Mr. Blunt post number 976. It's tone sounded just likes your wife's letter to her OM.

 

You need to start somewhere, start with your children's day to day life.

 

Understand you will need to address the issues in your marriage that created a toxic environment. Both of you.

[Naively.Sensitive]

So in two days you've stopped thinking about her? You've stopped expecting anything from her? You're ready to move out? In two days?

 

It has not taken 2 days. I have been suffering for the last 10 months. I just mentioned that I have felt this way SINCE the last 2 days.

I hope this feeling stays, going forward.

I'm already emotionally checked out with her, so I may not have to move out just yet.

 

You could be sitting in the middle of a warzone with a peaceful mind, or you could be in a peaceful and serene place with a war going on in your mind.

Moving out (physical presence) has little to do with the state of the mind.

Thats mindfulness 101. I thought you would know that.

[Naively.Sensitive]

You scared me here because I thought, for sure, that you had read my mind. It is a harsh reality, yes, but after going through what I described to you last night with my ex-fiance, I said those same words to myself. You come into this world alone, and you leave this world alone, no matter who has been with you along the way and in what capacity.

 

I have never been married and I have never found the right person for me, a person I would marry. (I am very independent; had to become so once I realized that marriage does not equal security). And I grew to feel somewhat sorry for married people because all the married people I knew seemed to have stopped growing emotionally. Now, I don't mean that as an insult or complaint. Only an observation. You, Naively, have been offered a once in a lifetime opportunity to be pushed into some serious emotional growth, out of necessity. I say take advantage of it.

 

You seem very wise. Yes, you are right. I have been offered a once in a lifetime opportunity for emotional as well as spiritual growth. I'm trying to us this as an opportunity to grow as much as I can.

I just don't think that being handed a lemon is the only way to make lemonade, although if you have been handed one, it only makes sense to make the lemonade.

[13Hearts]

I understand everything you are saying, but what makes a relationship necessary in the first place? It is not about control. It is about needs. If one expresses ones needs to one's partner in the relationship and says that unless those needs are met, there is no point in the relationship, I don't view that as control, but as honest communication of one's needs.

 

Your description of a person is being extremely ideal and perfect if that person is 100% spiritually aligned, where nothing affects a person. In reality if we exist in this world, we are constantly battling against our human imperfections. Those imperfections include the fact that we feel pain, that we are hurt when someone loved betrays us, that it takes time to heal, that we need support to heal. Basically, as human beings we all have certain needs, otherwise we would not be human.

 

I am already trying to wrestle with my own thoughts and change my perspective, but that new perspective should not include being resigned to stay in a relationship that don't meet my expectations. I have a limited human experience. Why should I spend it with a person who does not live upto my basic moral, and human standards?

You are right in the fact that my wife disrespected herself by doing what she did, but why should I have to be around such a person who is incapable of taking full responsibility for her actions and doing what one would normally expect any wife to do, to help heal her husband? I will heal, independently if I have to, and by then if my wife has lost all her respect in my eyes, there is no particular reason to be with her. There would be nothing inspiring about her as a basic human being.

 

Because no matter where you go, there you are. You can run but you cannot hide. You are half the equation. You did not CAUSE her to do what she did but you are still half of this relationship. If you run, you will find the same thing as you have now.

 

Plus, you are merely doing the same thing she has done. You are saying "This relationship does not work for me because you are not giving me what I want, so I will find someone else who DOES." This is an emotionally immature way of thinking. The emotionally mature way of thinking is "Here I am in this position. Now, what have I done to place myself in this position and what can I do to improve it?"

 

If you want a divorce then by all means, go get one. But if you want a divorce because this person cannot be who you need them to be, then I would point out to you that you are very codependent and need to work on that to be in ANY relationship.

 

But there is hope! Codependency is not a disease. And it does not have to be permanent. You can fix yourself and your codependency because codependency is merely a way of RELATING. As human beings we are born DEpendent. We graduate at a certain age to CO-dependence. But as adults, in order to have healthy relationships, we must learn how to be INTERdependent. You can learn this if you want to. It's your choice. Stay and learn or run and hide. You will be forced to learn it sooner or later.

[dreamingoftigers]

NS, I see the mental shift happening.

 

Keep going with the 180.

 

You'll get there.

 

All of these issues weren't created in a day.

I think you are doing very well in the last two.

And yes the pain will try to rise up and hold you back, use it like waves in a wave pool, once you are over the crest it can propel you forward as you drop back down. Going against the current can be a little rough at first.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Glad you are feeling better....keep going!

[BetrayedH]

I think attending this most recent MC was reasonable, to convey that this isn't working for you and to list exactly what's missing for you. And if you want to have one more session that allows your wife a reasonable time frame to think upon and decide to meet your minimum expectations for the marriage, so be it.

 

But at this point I would consider the ball in her court and you proceed with further detachment, filing and pursuing a divorce, and making plans for an independent life. If she consistently performs actions that demonstrate true remorse such that you think you might be able to forgive, then you can always pause the proceedings. But I would put the onus completely on her to do what it takes to change your mind and I wouldn't remotely make a quick decision to do so. If she wants to convince you that she has changed, it's up to her. She doesn't need any further prompting from you; she doesn't need any more lists; she doesn't need any more books. She's an adult has been provided plenty of resources.

 

If you don't hear a complete turnaround from her in the next session, then it should really be your last. It's not your marriage that's broken; it's your wife. She can seek IC for how to fix herself. I'd stop entertaining notions that any of this is (or ever was) about the marriage.