Author Naively.Sensitive Posted February 3, 2016 Author Share Posted February 3, 2016 (edited) Because no matter where you go, there you are. You can run but you cannot hide. You are half the equation. You did not CAUSE her to do what she did but you are still half of this relationship. If you run, you will find the same thing as you have now. Plus, you are merely doing the same thing she has done. You are saying "This relationship does not work for me because you are not giving me what I want, so I will find someone else who DOES." This is an emotionally immature way of thinking. The emotionally mature way of thinking is "Here I am in this position. Now, what have I done to place myself in this position and what can I do to improve it?" If you want a divorce then by all means, go get one. But if you want a divorce because this person cannot be who you need them to be, then I would point out to you that you are very codependent and need to work on that to be in ANY relationship. But there is hope! Codependency is not a disease. And it does not have to be permanent. You can fix yourself and your codependency because codependency is merely a way of RELATING. As human beings we are born DEpendent. We graduate at a certain age to CO-dependence. But as adults, in order to have healthy relationships, we must learn how to be INTERdependent. You can learn this if you want to. It's your choice. Stay and learn or run and hide. You will be forced to learn it sooner or later. This is all new territory to me. I'm willing to learn more about this. Could you suggest any resources (books or support groups) that you may know about, to learn and practice INTERdependence? I also want to read more about DEpendence, and COdependence, the physiological makeups and basis for them, what is their relevance and perceived need in our life and everything to do with feeling the need to be "emotionally supported". I am very appreciative of your advice. Thank you! Edited February 3, 2016 by Naively.Sensitive 1 Link to post Share on other sites
13Hearts Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 Naively.Sensitive, I used to be JUST LIKE YOU. I needed the other person in the relationship to support me emotionally. But it was unbalanced. And that's OK, but after going through a few relationships, I realized the guys I had broken up with were all saying the same things. About ME! It was really painful to accept what they had said but after I did and started learning about the way I was relating to men in relationships, and better ways, it stopped hurting so much. I could finally see what I was doing, I became clearer to my self, and I could work on changing the things about myself that were not working for me. You can too I think we are not allowed to post links to certain other websites, I'm not sure. So in the interest of caution, I think you should just Google those three words together and you will get plenty of information about types of relating. Also, Google Robert Burney and Codependency; he gives a lot of good information. It's good to point out that learning and evolving through the various types is what growing emotionally is all about so don't feel bad when you read about yourself and recognize you are "Codependent." It's nothing to be ashamed of and is just natural growth. Also, recognize that the you who is ready to dump his wife and get a divorce is just you practicing at INdependence, which is also natural (and what I'm REALLY good at). But those of us who are imbalanced toward Independence spend A LOT of time alone, and you've said you don't want to be alone. So, work at your independence, and let it help raise how you feel about yourself right now, but start learning about INTERdependence so you can make the best decisions for not only protecting yourself, but also for your wife and small children. Melody Beattie's book, Codependence No More, is also a really good start! Take care of yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
13Hearts Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 I understand everything you are saying, but what makes a relationship necessary in the first place? It is not about control. It is about needs. If one expresses ones needs to one's partner in the relationship and says that unless those needs are met, there is no point in the relationship, I don't view that as control, but as honest communication of one's needs. Your description of a person is being extremely ideal and perfect if that person is 100% spiritually aligned, where nothing affects a person. In reality if we exist in this world, we are constantly battling against our human imperfections. Those imperfections include the fact that we feel pain, that we are hurt when someone loved betrays us, that it takes time to heal, that we need support to heal. Basically, as human beings we all have certain needs, otherwise we would not be human. I am already trying to wrestle with my own thoughts and change my perspective, but that new perspective should not include being resigned to stay in a relationship that don't meet my expectations. I have a limited human experience. Why should I spend it with a person who does not live upto my basic moral, and human standards? You are right in the fact that my wife disrespected herself by doing what she did, but why should I have to be around such a person who is incapable of taking full responsibility for her actions and doing what one would normally expect any wife to do, to help heal her husband? I will heal, independently if I have to, and by then if my wife has lost all her respect in my eyes, there is no particular reason to be with her. There would be nothing inspiring about her as a basic human being. Just want to point something out. It is not your wife's responsibility to heal you or heal your hurt. That is your responsibility. And anyway, there is nothing she can do to turn back time and make this have not happened. Your healing needs to come from within. If she had the ability to heal you, she would be able to make a lot of money healing everyone else. Unfortunately, it can't be done. That's why we have therapists, marriage counselors, psychiatrists, anti-depressants, etc. Use your Independence to heal your self. Find healthier ways of relating to your wife; the MC can help you with that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 if they are reconciling....and right now they are attempting to...then it is absolutely her responsibility to help him. His healing comes from within...but she has to cultivate it. In reconciliation....she has to help him regain comfort...and trust.... he can certainly heal on his own...but he cannot heal the marriage without her help. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
13Hearts Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 I'm not sure if this is allowed but want to help Naively.Sensitive. There is a support group called Codependents Anonymous, and they have phone, web, and face to face meetings you might want to check out. Here is a link to their meeting Locator. CoDA.org Meeting Resource Center Link to post Share on other sites
13Hearts Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 if they are reconciling....and right now they are attempting to...then it is absolutely her responsibility to help him. His healing comes from within...but she has to cultivate it. In reconciliation....she has to help him regain comfort...and trust.... he can certainly heal on his own...but he cannot heal the marriage without her help. Well yes, of course she needs to cooperate and help but OP indicated he needs her to mother him, soothe his pain, and heal his hurt. I'm sorry but coming from where I come from with decades of extreme emotional needs and expectations of relationship partners, I think he needs to at least learn how to soothe himself. Plus, if she hasn't been able to deliver what he needs in nearly a year, do you think he should perhaps learn how to soothe and parent himself, and seek help outside the marriage (for example, individual counselor, self-development, etc) before dumping his wife and children and trying again with someone else? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 well...he is seeking help....and he is trying to do better. But this whole time....he has been in a reconciliation mode....he has been looking to her to provide safety and security.......and he should...after all...she is the one who took it away. Maybe we are talking semantics here....I understand in reality...we all heal ourselves...even with the help of professionals...the healing of course comes from within. But sometimes we need help to get there....and in infidelity....IF reconciliation is the goal.....it must take both partners helping each other to heal. She is failing him.....and perhaps because she has failed him....he will move from reconciliation mode to divorce mode. In that case...he will no longer depend on her to provide him with what he needs...and he will have no choice but to self soothe. I am not sure he is there yet....so he is still hoping she will help him I would like to see him focusing on his children more and his wife less. I am praying therapy will help him. He has had a tremendous outpouring of support here on Loveshack. He will get there eventually....NS is impatient.....he wants it to go away and get better today......and many have told him over and over again....baby steps.....one day at a time. _______________________________ I agree with you s2b....as usual 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 This is all new territory to me. I'm willing to learn more about this. Could you suggest any resources (books or support groups) that you may know about, to learn and practice INTERdependence? I also want to read more about DEpendence, and COdependence, the physiological makeups and basis for them, what is their relevance and perceived need in our life and everything to do with feeling the need to be "emotionally supported". I am very appreciative of your advice. Thank you! This is supposed to be the best book on codependency: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie | 9780894864025 | Paperback | Barnes & Noble 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naively.Sensitive Posted February 4, 2016 Author Share Posted February 4, 2016 Is your wife still at that same job as the married OM? Has she quit that job? Has she even looked for another job? She quit that job a week before she confessed to me. She found another job at a different company before she quit that job. She has been working at her new job ever since (It will be a year in April) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naively.Sensitive Posted February 4, 2016 Author Share Posted February 4, 2016 I'm beginning to ruminate about many deeper questions, as I navigate through my own personal recovery: Is the feeling of being in Love just an overrated emotional feeling? Am I just giving more importance to some kind of a fantasy that we commonly have when we're younger? At this stage (and later in Life), does it just reduce to the "convenience" of living with someone who you can tolerate? Does Life for the betrayed after the DDay negatively change any perspective of the wayward forever? Will I ever forget that piece of my wife's character that I would never be able to ever respect again? Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 I'm beginning to ruminate about many deeper questions, as I navigate through my own personal recovery: Is the feeling of being in Love just an overrated emotional feeling? Am I just giving more importance to some kind of a fantasy that we commonly have when we're younger? At this stage (and later in Life), does it just reduce to the "convenience" of living with someone who you can tolerate? Does Life for the betrayed after the DDay negatively change any perspective of the wayward forever? Will I ever forget that piece of my wife's character that I would never be able to ever respect again?Look up everything you can find about "PEA chemicals" - or basically the 'lust' chemical that your body creates. It's why cheaters feel like addicts. Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 NS, There's no way anyone could begin to answer those questions if you cannot yourself. I don't know what you want or your ability to get it. At this point these subjective, open-ended questions are only a distraction. You ask similar questions because you're either avoiding taking further action or following through on an existing one. Now should be very very very simple. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naively.Sensitive Posted February 4, 2016 Author Share Posted February 4, 2016 (edited) I have realized that I am suffering from the Duality of Being and also suffering from being a seeker. Just like most human beings, I suffer from "needing", when the reality is that everything already is (complete). http://www.lifewithoutacentre.com/writings/what-is-nonduality/ I realize all this momentarily and then get sucked into the illusion of human existence all over again, going from the experience of non-duality, back into the illusive experience of duality. I am going to try to experience Life as it is, but that is not easy to do, living in the world that we do, where people judge us and have expectations of us, but then also expect us NOT to play their same dirty games with them. People lie, cheat, steal, betray, but then expect the entire world around them to "not react", but in reality, reaction is always imminent, if my stupid b*tch of a wife would understand that. Edited February 4, 2016 by Naively.Sensitive Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 Just like most human beings, I suffer from "needing", when the reality is that everything already is (complete). But most human beings are mentally healthy enough to separate need from pragmatic reality. I 'need' to be 110 pounds again for only then will I feel pretty. But I know that even if I starve myself and get there, I'll still hate myself so I really WON'T feel pretty. Your 'needing' goes far beyond the norm. If you're crying every day for a year, you should have gotten on some antidepressants by now and been seeing a therapist once a week. Nobody - not even your wife - is MAKING you cry every day. That's a personal choice to ALLOW yourself to wallow, and it's not healthy; in fact it's harmful, to you and to your kids at least. You have robbed them of the past year that you could have been with them if not 100%, then at least 90%. But your new comfort zone is being the victim of your wife's ongoing 'treachery' and the longer you stay wrapped up in that cocoon, the harder it will be to pull yourself out of it. Only YOU can make a choice to get off this crazy carousel. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 I'm beginning to ruminate about many deeper questions, as I navigate through my own personal recovery: Is the feeling of being in Love just an overrated emotional feeling? Am I just giving more importance to some kind of a fantasy that we commonly have when we're younger? At this stage (and later in Life), does it just reduce to the "convenience" of living with someone who you can tolerate? Does Life for the betrayed after the DDay negatively change any perspective of the wayward forever? Will I ever forget that piece of my wife's character that I would never be able to ever respect again? I'll bite. If you're anything like me, and most BSs, this experience is going to change you. You are going to have a much less romantic and fantastic vision of love and relationships. You're unlikely to have blind trust in anyone again. You're unlikely to put all of your eggs in one basket again. Is that something to be mourned? I suppose so. Your view of the world, other people, and relationships may be fairly cynical for a while. That said, you should also come to point of balance. It may seem that there's no such thing as love. And it may seem that you only have yourself in this world. But, of course, those are extremes that are a result of a fairly recent trauma. The reality is somewhere between the two extremes. Was it really wise to have all of your eggs in one basket? To have all of your hopes and dreams wrapped up in another person? To be so dependent upon someone else for happiness that you "need" them even after they betray you? I think you got there in the same innocent fashion that most of us did. We watched one too many Disney movies where the good people are clearly discerned from the bad, and where love conquers all and lasts a lifetime. The reality is that we're all a mixture of good and bad. Sometimes we're thoughtless and selfish. We don't want to be good all the time. We're all capable of some pretty heinous stuff. Now you've seen it firsthand. To a real extent, your innocence is lost. But that doesn't mean that no one can be trusted and that you can't find love again. It means that you're more cautious, wise, and aware. It means you strive for a bit of independence such that you don't "need" anyone to survive. You will emerge a stonger individual for all of this. Whether you choose to let the bitterness consume you is going to be up to you. I reached a point where I decided that my wife had taken enough from me and she wasn't taking so much as 5 more minutes of my time and concern. I chose to no longer beat myself up over something that wasn't my fault. And I wasn't going to let her ruin any more of my life. I have evolved. It is a part of me but what happened no longer defines me. I no longer have all of my eggs in one basket. I've found that I can survive anything. I no longer "need" anyone. But I still want love and affection in my life. My expectations are a bit more realistic. I now know that I am responsible for my own happiness and I cannot be dependent upon someone else. But if I am a confident and happy individual, I am in a better place to be a healthy partner in a relationship. I may not "need" someone else but I can most certainly have a great love, respect, and admiration for the woman in my life. And I want her to be healthy as well. And I hope that my strengths create a love, respect, and admiration for me in return. There is a balance to be achieved. Our fantasy views were probably unrealistic and unhealthy. They made us too dependent. And we got burned. At the same time, having a loving and healthy relationship is still possible and rewarding. I refused to let that go. It's just not happening with my exwife. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
scrapbooker Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 I have realized that I am suffering from the Duality of Being and also suffering from being a seeker. Just like most human beings, I suffer from "needing", when the reality is that everything already is (complete). What is Non-Duality? | Jeff Foster I realize all this momentarily and then get sucked into the illusion of human existence all over again, going from the experience of non-duality, back into the illusive experience of duality. I am going to try to experience Life as it is, but that is not easy to do, living in the world that we do, where people judge us and have expectations of us, but then also expect us NOT to play their same dirty games with them. People lie, cheat, steal, betray, but then expect the entire world around them to "not react", but in reality, reaction is always imminent, if my stupid b*tch of a wife would understand that. It is ironic to me that this thread is titled "dealing with my wife's affair." You are NOT dealing with it. Or yourself. You are spinning, following shiny philosophical psychobabble, and rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. Finding your spine would be a good first step to fixing this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naively.Sensitive Posted February 5, 2016 Author Share Posted February 5, 2016 I'll bite. If you're anything like me, and most BSs, this experience is going to change you. You are going to have a much less romantic and fantastic vision of love and relationships. You're unlikely to have blind trust in anyone again. You're unlikely to put all of your eggs in one basket again. Is that something to be mourned? I suppose so. Your view of the world, other people, and relationships may be fairly cynical for a while. That said, you should also come to point of balance. It may seem that there's no such thing as love. And it may seem that you only have yourself in this world. But, of course, those are extremes that are a result of a fairly recent trauma. The reality is somewhere between the two extremes. Was it really wise to have all of your eggs in one basket? To have all of your hopes and dreams wrapped up in another person? To be so dependent upon someone else for happiness that you "need" them even after they betray you? I think you got there in the same innocent fashion that most of us did. We watched one too many Disney movies where the good people are clearly discerned from the bad, and where love conquers all and lasts a lifetime. The reality is that we're all a mixture of good and bad. Sometimes we're thoughtless and selfish. We don't want to be good all the time. We're all capable of some pretty heinous stuff. Now you've seen it firsthand. To a real extent, your innocence is lost. But that doesn't mean that no one can be trusted and that you can't find love again. It means that you're more cautious, wise, and aware. It means you strive for a bit of independence such that you don't "need" anyone to survive. You will emerge a stonger individual for all of this. Whether you choose to let the bitterness consume you is going to be up to you. I reached a point where I decided that my wife had taken enough from me and she wasn't taking so much as 5 more minutes of my time and concern. I chose to no longer beat myself up over something that wasn't my fault. And I wasn't going to let her ruin any more of my life. I have evolved. It is a part of me but what happened no longer defines me. I no longer have all of my eggs in one basket. I've found that I can survive anything. I no longer "need" anyone. But I still want love and affection in my life. My expectations are a bit more realistic. I now know that I am responsible for my own happiness and I cannot be dependent upon someone else. But if I am a confident and happy individual, I am in a better place to be a healthy partner in a relationship. I may not "need" someone else but I can most certainly have a great love, respect, and admiration for the woman in my life. And I want her to be healthy as well. And I hope that my strengths create a love, respect, and admiration for me in return. There is a balance to be achieved. Our fantasy views were probably unrealistic and unhealthy. They made us too dependent. And we got burned. At the same time, having a loving and healthy relationship is still possible and rewarding. I refused to let that go. It's just not happening with my exwife. Yes, this experience seems to have permanently changed me. Its brought yet another harsh reality about human existence in front my my eyes. The reality that inspite of how moral and good a human being a person tries to be, there is no guarantee that life will be fair back to you. The reality that some people commit the biggest sins and live like they have no conscious. The reality that nobody really cares how f*ck*d up a world we live in, just as long as each individual's immediate world is acceptably OK. We all (me included) live our lives as slaves to society, from the moment we are born. We adopt those rules of society, yet we break our own rules in society. Life just seems to be one big miserable experience and most of us live in misery 80% of the time for the remaining 20% of experiences that are just acceptable (at best), not blissful. I keep hearing that its a choice we make, and that its all in our minds and emotions and perspectives, yet if it really IS such a simple choice, why is most of the world still suffering? Why doesn't this knowledge of the "choice" just permeate and spread and everyone just make a "choice" to be happy? Sorry, I AM angry, but not angry at this particular post or a particular poster. I'm just angry with all of humanity and angry at myself for tolerating life (even my own life) on this miserable plane of existence. How do I change how I experience life? Thats what I'm trying to learn, although its proving to be extremely hard to deal with my own mind, emotions and beliefs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naively.Sensitive Posted February 5, 2016 Author Share Posted February 5, 2016 Speak for yourself. I began living a blissful life after I divorced! I get to do what I want, with who I want, for as long as I want, wh never I want! I didn't get to do it that way while I was married for 23 years - that's for sure! Its really sad how the institutionalization of marriage has made things so unnatural and terrible. Infidelity complicates it even further. This is what I mean by the duality and hypocrisy of society. We have made rules and also made it possible and "acceptable" to break our own rules. We have strict laws against murder, but no strict laws against infidelity that literally murders our mental and emotional states. Almost every other person is divorced. Its really a pathetic situation. I don't mean to be judgemental, but were you a betrayed too, or were you the wayward? We have evolved terribly as human beings, from the apes. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 Yes, this experience seems to have permanently changed me. Its brought yet another harsh reality about human existence in front my my eyes. The reality that inspite of how moral and good a human being a person tries to be, there is no guarantee that life will be fair back to you. The reality that some people commit the biggest sins and live like they have no conscious. The reality that nobody really cares how f*ck*d up a world we live in, just as long as each individual's immediate world is acceptably OK. We all (me included) live our lives as slaves to society, from the moment we are born. We adopt those rules of society, yet we break our own rules in society. Life just seems to be one big miserable experience and most of us live in misery 80% of the time for the remaining 20% of experiences that are just acceptable (at best), not blissful. I keep hearing that its a choice we make, and that its all in our minds and emotions and perspectives, yet if it really IS such a simple choice, why is most of the world still suffering? Why doesn't this knowledge of the "choice" just permeate and spread and everyone just make a "choice" to be happy? Sorry, I AM angry, but not angry at this particular post or a particular poster. I'm just angry with all of humanity and angry at myself for tolerating life (even my own life) on this miserable plane of existence. How do I change how I experience life? Thats what I'm trying to learn, although its proving to be extremely hard to deal with my own mind, emotions and beliefs. Yep, much of what you mention are realities that we need to accept. I suspect that someone has mentioned the 5 stages of grief by now. It starts with denial (to me, it's mostly denial about what a significant and unalterable event this is) and ends up culminating in acceptance. Denial is first and acceptance is last. You need to accept that your wife is a broken person, that she may never be fixed (regardless of how unfair it is), and that your marriage may be over whether you like it or not. In between these two stages you've got bargaining (at which you excel), anger, and depression. Sound familiar? We transition back and forth between these stages quite a bit. I'm sorry to say that some of this does have to do with changing your perspective. You do need to work on choosing not to blame yourself, even when the feelings of rejection creep in. You must be mindful. You must remind yourself that her poor actions are not a reflection of you. To some extent, you are punishing yourself. Resolve not to do that anymore. Take control of your emotions to the best extent that you can. Do NOT let them rule your decisions. Use your brain for that. But I won't sit here and tell you it's easy. And you can't count on anyone else to do it for you. I had probably the biggest problem with intrusive thoughts. No matter what I did, the affair was on my mind 24/7. It made it VERY hard not to have emotional reactions. And my reactions were gawd awful ones. To a real extent, I had to accept that it was going to be this way for a while. Welcome to PTSD. At the same time, I accepted that this would eventually pass. And it did. You must eventually accept that this has happened and choose a path forward. You must use your brain to logically understand that it can only get better from here and how quickly it happens it more influenced by you than anyone else. There ARE better days ahead, my friend. Go get them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 Its really sad how the institutionalization of marriage has made things so unnatural and terrible. Infidelity complicates it even further. This is what I mean by the duality and hypocrisy of society. We have made rules and also made it possible and "acceptable" to break our own rules. We have strict laws against murder, but no strict laws against infidelity that literally murders our mental and emotional states. Almost every other person is divorced. Its really a pathetic situation. I don't mean to be judgemental, but were you a betrayed too, or were you the wayward? We have evolved terribly as human beings, from the apes. Yeah, I was pretty upset by the unfairness of it all, too. Hell, you can just about sue someone for a vending machine not producing your candy bar but you can commit fraud in a lifetime partnership and no one gives a damn. It sucks. Let me know when this philosophical discussion serves a purpose for you. The reality is that it's unfair as hell. People can make a commitment, betray you horribly, and there's no real justice. There's nothing to be done about it but to accept it and move on. Sensing a theme here? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 Sorry, I AM angry, but not angry at this particular post or a particular poster. I'm just angry with all of humanity and angry at myself for tolerating life (even my own life) on this miserable plane of existence. How do I change how I experience life? That's what I'm trying to learn, although it's proving to be extremely hard to deal with my own mind, emotions and beliefs. Jesus, NS. This isn't about your wife. Not anymore. Not after 9 months. You aren't mad at the world. You're mad at yourself for being WEAK. And SCARED. And unable to just stop obsessing. You need to be in deep, long-term therapy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 (edited) Its really sad how the institutionalization of marriage has made things so unnatural and terrible. Infidelity complicates it even further. This is what I mean by the duality and hypocrisy of society. We have made rules and also made it possible and "acceptable" to break our own rules. We have strict laws against murder, but no strict laws against infidelity that literally murders our mental and emotional states. Almost every other person is divorced. Its really a pathetic situation. I don't mean to be judgemental, but were you a betrayed too, or were you the wayward? We have evolved terribly as human beings, from the apes.Oh bullshyte. You're just feeling sorry for yourself. Just like you have all year. And probably just like you have done all your life. And guess what? You can't blame me like you tried to blame S2B because I'm neither the betrayed NOR the wayward. I'm just someone who knows when people need to stop blaming the world for their problems and instead work on CHANGING. You can rail at your wife and complain because she's not what you feel she ought to be, but guess what? You can't control someone else. Until you're ready to look at YOU, you're going to stew in misery, resentment, anger, and not reach any level of happiness. Edited February 5, 2016 by turnera Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 Jesus, NS. This isn't about your wife. Not anymore. Not after 9 months. You aren't mad at the world. You're mad at yourself for being WEAK. And SCARED. And unable to just stop obsessing. You need to be in deep, long-term therapy. I hear your frustration but isn't it somewhat normal to be mad at the world, mad at yourself for being weak and scared, and unable to stop obsessing, even at a year from Dday? I mean, I want him to heal, too. But this ain't far from the norm, right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 I hear your frustration but isn't it somewhat normal to be mad at the world, mad at yourself for being weak and scared, and unable to stop obsessing, even at a year from Dday? I mean, I want him to heal, too. But this ain't far from the norm, right?I'm looking at it from the time framepoint. And the lack of introspection. SO many people have suggested to him that he pull back, look inward, make changes, and yet he keeps circling back around to it's her fault, it's the world's fault, life sucks. I'm still waiting to hear from him what he's doing to change HIS life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naively.Sensitive Posted February 5, 2016 Author Share Posted February 5, 2016 Yep, much of what you mention are realities that we need to accept. I suspect that someone has mentioned the 5 stages of grief by now. It starts with denial (to me, it's mostly denial about what a significant and unalterable event this is) and ends up culminating in acceptance. Denial is first and acceptance is last. You need to accept that your wife is a broken person, that she may never be fixed (regardless of how unfair it is), and that your marriage may be over whether you like it or not. In between these two stages you've got bargaining (at which you excel), anger, and depression. Sound familiar? We transition back and forth between these stages quite a bit. I'm sorry to say that some of this does have to do with changing your perspective. You do need to work on choosing not to blame yourself, even when the feelings of rejection creep in. You must be mindful. You must remind yourself that her poor actions are not a reflection of you. To some extent, you are punishing yourself. Resolve not to do that anymore. Take control of your emotions to the best extent that you can. Do NOT let them rule your decisions. Use your brain for that. But I won't sit here and tell you it's easy. And you can't count on anyone else to do it for you. I had probably the biggest problem with intrusive thoughts. No matter what I did, the affair was on my mind 24/7. It made it VERY hard not to have emotional reactions. And my reactions were gawd awful ones. To a real extent, I had to accept that it was going to be this way for a while. Welcome to PTSD. At the same time, I accepted that this would eventually pass. And it did. You must eventually accept that this has happened and choose a path forward. You must use your brain to logically understand that it can only get better from here and how quickly it happens it more influenced by you than anyone else. There ARE better days ahead, my friend. Go get them. Thanks very much for those words of wisdom and understanding. You are right and I "feel it". I'm planning to read your story and threads in a lot of details, because I know that you have made a very sincere effort to make things work, but I also had this question (which may also get answered just by me reading your story and your threads): That question is this: At what stage (or was it a particular action or inaction on your wife's part?) did you make the decision to divorce your wife? How long did it take for you to crystalize what were your needs (and not your wants) of your relationship with your wife and that your wife did not meet them or even meet your criteria to continue with the marriage? If its not too personal to ask, what exact criterias (after the affair) was your wife not meeting for you to make a decision and divorce? Thank you very much for the time you are investing in my life. I'm extremely grateful to you for taking the time to read threads and relate your personal experience and pour yourself out to all us fellow victims and betrayed. Your post is very helpful for me to build up my strength and hope. Thank you so much for it. Yes, there are better days ahead. You are so right. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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