Dealing with wife's affair.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Kick her out today with no access to any money.

 

That ought to show her you mean business - she either starts getting real in reconciling or she doesn't = you have your answer much more quickly.

 

Its not my personality to kick her out. Also, she has contributed about 1/5th of the cost of the fully paid home, so technically, she owns 20% of the house.

 

She is an earning member of the family and her funds are in separate accounts anyway.

[Naively.Sensitive]

I reconciled with my WW. On the grand scale of things our situation was better than most. Given that, the road to reconciliation is long and difficult. You have already gotten a good idea of what is involved.

 

For me it was 3 years before I felt that I climbed out of a pit of hell.

 

Here's what you need to understand: My WW was very remorseful and did all of the right things. She confessed. She confronted all of the crap head-on. She did not avoid conflict. She fully accepted her role in her affair. She went to IC before and after D-day. We went to MC for years post D-day.

 

She answered all of my questions. She was transparent in all aspects of her life. She made clear and firm boundaries with men. She allowed for me to emotionally throw up on her throughout the 3 years of reconciliation. She did a lot of self-reflection and self-examination. She owned it and changed. She became a better person because of it.

 

From what I have read from your posts. You wife is playing the victim and blaming everyone else for her affair. She has to own up to her affair and deal with it. To me, it sounds like she is extremely conflict-avoidant, which would explain a lot.

 

You can't force her to do the right things. As things stand with your wife, there is no HOPE for your marriage or your well-being if she is unwilling to take the bold steps. If not, then you should just move on and divorce her. You can't do this on your own. SHE should be doing the heavy lifting; not you.

 

You have given your marriage a FAIR CHANCE. She has NOT. There is no shame in walking away.

 

I'm glad to hear that your wife had the courage to do what was needed to repair the relationship. Your post has been one of the more useful posts to me. I think I may consider showing your post to my wife if she is willing to understand what is needed as well as how other couples have repaired and healed. I agree that she should be doing most of the work in repairing the damage, not me. Thanks for sharing your experience and I'm very happy that things worked out for you and your wife. If I'm correct, I'm sure that you did want for the relationship to be repaired, did you not?

 

I also had another important question for you. Was the state of your relationship before the affair ever addressed as being the circumstances under which an affair became possible? Did you personally address issues in improving that relationship from how it existed before the affair?

How did your wife project her unhappiness onto the relationship and express to you what she would have liked fixed in the relationship? (before the affair)

[S2B]

I am unsure what you want help with.

 

You aren't willing to impose any real consequences and she is doing things the way she pleases.

 

You may very well be her second choice. She not really spending all her energy repairing the damage she caused.

 

She's not working 150% to make the marriage awesome.

 

So you are still willing to stay while she treats you with little regard.

 

Since you don't seem willing to respect yourself by making big changes that could cause her to get off the fence - there's not much to suggest.

 

 

No change brings no change.

 

We can't help you dude since you don't seem to want to change things.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Naively.Sensitive, what makes you think your wife is interested in or capable of doing any of the above? Not only is she leaving stones unturned, she's picking the rocks up and casting them at you.

 

There is a phenomena in relationships post D Day called hysterical bonding. Upon the disclosure of infidelity, the WS and BS often come together for frequent passionate sex in a frenzied attempt to physically repair their broken bond.

 

Your wife's reaction? She's moved into the other bedroom.

 

Plan accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

To be fair, in the initial first month after she confessed, we did go through that phase of hysterical bonding that you mentioned. Even the sex videos we took.

Later, I think she herself felt betrayed when I started discussing my pain and the affair with a few close friends and family, in an effort to seek out support for myself from the extreme pain I was feeling.

It seems like that event of me having disclosed her dirty little secret caused her to conclude that I did that out of revenge. Things completely changed after that and she stopped the bonding, the support, the sex, and moved out of the bedroom. Could the disclosure of her secret (because I truly needed to the support to heal) have caused her to completely change and cause such an opposite reaction on her part?

[Naively.Sensitive]

You should read "no more mr nice guy" by robert glover, it's about self respect, self esteem, standing for himself :

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

 

Your main issue is you stay too attached to her. Which is not sane, you need to learn to move on emotionally, learn to be happy by yourself, and find you if you want or not stay in this marriage.

 

For this, you can use the 180list. It's a list of behavior which will help to fix yourself, and not your relationship : The 180 | AFFAIRCARE

 

As your wife seems to have some issue to understand your feelings, print this and give it to her : Understanding Your Loyal Spouse | AFFAIRCARE

 

I advice you to read this post on another forum, his wife refused to pick if she wanted to stay married or not, until he said he considered seriously divorce in MC.

 

Then she understood he was no longer granted.

 

Does your wife knows you visited a lawyer ?

 

Stop to appear granted, and your wife will be much more receptive to your feelings.

 

Thanks very much for this useful advice. I think my wife does know that I have visited a lawyer to know my rights and the possible division of community property. Yes, I agree that I need to appear less granted. As part of that, she knows that I have made some platonic female friends in the city I live in, and I meet one particular friend for coffee. The reality is that I don't have anything emotional or sexual in mind, but have truly made a really good female friend whom I can discuss anything with, even the very same female perspective of things that my wife may hold.

My wife is not happy about such a friendship, but I have made it very clear to her that I really don't care what she thinks anymore, mainly because my intentions are very clear and I have strict boundaries (unlike her) and also because I'm not handing over my own rights as a human being, just to appear more granted to her. She probably knows I'm not going to inform the entire world of her infidelity by renting a billboard, but at the same time, she does know that I am seeking out the support I need to heal myself, independent of what she "thinks and feels". These are some of the ways in which I hope to not appear granted.

[Mr. Lucky]

Could the disclosure of her secret (because I truly needed to the support to heal) have caused her to completely change and cause such an opposite reaction on her part?

 

NS, you're asking the wrong questions. She cheated on you for 4 months (that you know about ) and you're wondering if you've hurt her feelings by talking about it?

 

At this point, you're just stalling...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

To be fair, in the initial first month after she confessed, we did go through that phase of hysterical bonding that you mentioned. Even the sex videos we took.

Later, I think she herself felt betrayed when I started discussing my pain and the affair with a few close friends and family, in an effort to seek out support for myself from the extreme pain I was feeling.

It seems like that event of me having disclosed her dirty little secret caused her to conclude that I did that out of revenge. Things completely changed after that and she stopped the bonding, the support, the sex, and moved out of the bedroom. Could the disclosure of her secret (because I truly needed to the support to heal) have caused her to completely change and cause such an opposite reaction on her part?

 

No. It's not what you did that caused that. It's that she expected to have no consequences since she seems extremely entitled and selfish.

 

But stop meeting with women. If that's what you want then get divorced and date when the D is final.

 

Using women this way is mean and misleading.

Edited December 18, 2015 by S2B

[Naively.Sensitive]

I think I understand what is going on here.

 

In the first month after Dday, she was terrified that you will dump her, so she was willing to make some efforts. But after a while she saw that you're weak, so why bother? She understood that you just talk, but too soft to stand up and leave her, so now she gives the minimum she must, and right now the minimum is close to zero.

 

Tell her tonight that you are canceling the vacation, and you're going to see a lawyer next week - My guess? She will suddenly will be much more remorseful than the past months. Which says a lot about her attitude. Zero love, zero caring for you - only selfish interest.

 

I think you are right about your assessment. Except that I don't think she is selfish. I just think she is too self absorbed in her own emotions to realize how much pain, damage and suffering she has caused.

In 15 years of married life, I have not felt she was selfish, so the only natural explanation for her behavior is that she is currently too self absorbed in her own emotions.... Perhaps in her subconscious desire to feel less guilty about her actions? I don't know what flavor of self absorbtion she may be experiencing.

 

She also claims that she has lived in fear of me for 15 years, and that is what caused her to be unhappy in our relationship. As a result of her claim, I have decided to correct her perception by not threatening her with anything like going to a lawyer currently, or making any decisions now. I think it has only proven to be counter productive, as she tends to threaten me back, probably as a defense mechanism to deal with the fears of any threats I may make.

 

I have still decided to go on the vacation with her, and if I find a beautiful woman there with a good soul, I won't hesitate to spend time with that woman, building a friendship (nothing more). The real reasons I'm going are to make her realize that I'm not as controlling as she claims she feels I am. She chose and planned the entire vacation for the first time in 15 years, so I don't want to take away that feeling for her. The other reasons I'm going are that I want her to know that I care about the relationship with the kids enough for them to know that I want to be part of their memories in the vacation. Also, I'm not entirely confident of their safety during the vacation and that is where my responsibility as a father and husband come into play. There is still plenty of opportunity I have after the vacation, to show her that I really mean business and that there are certain minimum expectations I have of her, that, if not met, will result in me walking out of the marriage with a divorce as the outcome.

[S2B]

Really?

 

Your wife cheats and lies and instead of having a boundary and self respect you take her on vacation?

 

Come on man, this just doesn't make sense unless you're showing extreme doormat tendency.

 

And I don't believe you have any boundary. You're even willing to blame yourself for her cheating.

 

Go back and get more therapy. You need serious guidance...and quickly.

 

And she is selfish. So selfish that she cheated.

[merrmeade]

I have to deal with the mind movies everyday. I'm trying to train myself to move in a spiritual direction, to be able to lessen the effect of sexuality in my life in general, so that sex could possibly become less relevant or important in my life. This way, I figure it would help me anyway. While I try to do this, I don't know how successful I will really be, as I may be fighting the forces of nature, to try and control my sexual urges. In all cases, I think that sex is not a "useful" need for me anymore, so even if I don't land up reconnecting with her emotionally (and sexually), I think I could get by with just some occasional porn and masterbation. Then, it may turn out to be her loss, trying to live in a loveless/sexless marriage...

I'm sure that moving "in a spiritual direction" should only help you. However, in my experience the inner disturbance related to the infidelity constantly intrudes. When I finally got help for that, I was able to relax and turn my attention to the spiritual in a more fulfilling way. I'm just saying that starting a spiritual practice on your own when you're distracted and because you're distracted, well, it may not prove to be so helpful.

 

Regarding sexual urges: Personally I had no problem having sex with my WH even before I'd made my mind up about what was going to happen, divorce or reconciliation. I looked at it as a marital benefit and told him as much. Maybe that's cold and compartmentalizing and he might've assumed it meant more than it did. He never complained. I know it sounds odd, but with that mindset I felt empowered because it was my choice. I tried to make sure he understood but don't really know if he got it. Probably not but I don't really care about that either. There's a lot he doesn't get.

 

I assume that if you're trying to practice the 180, having sex with your WS could give a wrong message and reignite emotional attachment. I'm just saying that's what I did.

[Naively.Sensitive]

I don't agree about what's going on with your wife's feelings, though I do agree with the net result and what you should do about it. You're looking for something she can't give you is the main takeaway for you. True remorse just isn't there. It's about damage control. She's not able, doesn't love you enough or doesn't have the compassion to see and be moved by your pain. Instead, she sees at as your almost willful effort to continue reminding her of her mistake and failure. The more pathetic you are, the more she's reminded. This is a mindset so completely and unalterably self-centered that there is simply no hope of separating her heart from its fixed place in worship of itself.

 

You described what you would do if the tables were turned. You'll be waiting until hell freezes over to get that depth of compassion from her. She's not capable and is only focused on keeping the scandal from going any further, from more exposure. She probably thinks you want to rub her shame in her face.

 

I know this attitude well and there's no making a dent in it.

 

I hope you'll consider some of the advice being given about what to do.

 

I think your assessment is spot-on and 100% accurate. I will give her say upto 6 months to get her act together after which I will start divorce proceedings. At that time, she could choose to hold on to her self indulgent behavior if she wants to, but it would be clear that I cannot live with a self indulgent wife anymore. My gut feeling is that she may need 6 months to recover from her self indulgent attitude. The reality is that in the last 15 years she has been an overly submissive wife (in most ways), and really has not taken the opportunity to exercise her independent identity (not because I did not give her an opportunity, but probably because I just ran a tight ship financially, because I was in charge of paying all bills). My gut feeling (which has also been confirmed by the psychologist) is that her current behavior is probably just a reaction of the pendulum swinging in the extreme opposite direction for a while, in which she wants to feel an overly sense of self indulgence. I think the pendulum may return to its normal and resting position in some time, but it may take a few more months, perhaps 6 months.

[Sparta]

0P you need to realize that she had an affair. you said it yourself, she would be continuing the affair. If you hadn't caught her. You were even stated this yourself. she's checked out of the marriage. She's only doing enough to keep you off her back I wouldn't be surprised if this is just a ploy, and her affair has never stop she just took it deep undercover. I would place a VAR in her car underneath the driver seat. starts Searching for burner cell phone. Buy Dr.phone software for recovering deleted text messages, search for hidden emails accounts everything. And apply 180 you don't get to pick and choose what you decide to follow stated. You said it yourself that she's hiding something,she is. This is the big one talk to your lawyer and have him file for divorce immediately. She has lost all respect for you. Since D day she has been watching beg and cry for her for. Very Unattractive for any woman especially someone that has lost all respect for you. Definitely don't match up to her fantasy life, that was her affair. She's not stupid. you are plan B at the best. And if it is true that OM is out of the picture. She will be looking for OM2 sorry but is your reality now.

[Naively.Sensitive]

About the 4 to 5 year recovery period. From reading here and elsewhere it appears that the time frame involves recovery with a remorseful spouse,willing to,do the very hard work,of reconciliation. You can't just pull a,Rip VanWinkle and find all is well 5 years from now.

 

Without remorse and action by her, you remain in Limbo. That's not a place you want to be and you should be working to remove yourself from it.

 

My personal belief is that many posters here and elsewhere are actively seeking reconciliation. I suspect that most who find infidelity a deal breaker never post or disappear shortly after posting. So in the forums,you may be getting a skewed sample. There is nothing wrong, dishonorable or cowardly about concluding that infidelity is a deal breaker for you. I'm not here to tell you it's the right decision for you, but her attitude doesn't suggest a good prognosis. If you rug sweep ( which is what she wants you to do) you will be in extended misery.

 

Personally, I think that the infidelity itself may not turn out to be a deal breaker, IF it truly was an immature misjudgement and mistake on her part. What may turn out to be a deal breaker may be her lack of responsibility for her actions as well as her lack of support for my pain, in my greatest hour of need. Those may turn out to be the real deal breakers for me, which may explain why I verbosely post here. Your theory may be correct about people for whom infidelity itself is a deal breaker.... They probably don't post much. I realize that I will continue to be in misery if I rug sweep and that is why I have explicitly given her (and told her about it) 6 months, after which I plan to move ahead with a divorce if there is no true reconciliation of my pain and suffering with her genuine remorse and support for what I need.

[Try]

Eventually, this person started getting what he wanted and stopped treating her the way she imagined the perfect man he used to project himself to be. She started to realize this after the 4th encounter, but kept going along, looking for another job and for ways in which to end the relationship.

Since she only looked to end it after he "stopped treating her the way she imagined", what she is in effect saying is that she would not have looked to end the affair if only he had continue treating her nice. I think that you already know this, which is why you are having such a hard time dealing with the fact that you are just her plan B to go back to when the Alpha male was done using her. It hurts that she gave this other man such control not only of her life, but of you and your children's lives. I feel for you, and hope that things get better for you.

[merrmeade]

The 180 is about making you free. Right now you're tied to the emotional fallout of your wife's affair. The idea of the 180 is that you stop caring what she thinks or does. You do and get what you need with or without her. For example, you should totally go on that vacation. Just decide whether you think her coming would make it less enjoyable. If so, don't take her. You don't owe her ANYTHING. She took from you, remember? On the other hand, if you think you can get to a place where you can be indifferent whether she's there or not, you can allow her to go with you. If you can get busy, planning your days and weeks so that you don't spend all the time thinking about the affair but instead get up and do things, then life can be about making yourself happy, fit, productive, etc. That would be good for you.

 

I do think you need to make clear to her what you expect. You mentioned a couple of pages ago wanting to know the names of some books. I went to a couple of recent threads and compiled a list. Here are the top 10 that were mentioned the most. It could also help your wife immensely (and thereby help you) to read as well. Maybe if you insist she'll do it? Since I'm posting the list, I get to put my two favorites at the top. I'd read and then ask her to read first, How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's only about 100 pages. The other one that gets more recommendations than any other is Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. I also put a book, which I know nothing about, on PTSD because you say it's one of your issues.

 

Books

 

Not Just Friends / Shattered Vows (Dr. Shirley Glass) *

How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair (Linda MacDonald)

The Body Keeps Score (Bessel van der Kolk) - PTSD

His Needs, Her Needs / Surviving An Affair (Willard Harley)

Private Lies (Frank Pittman) *

The Five Love Languages (Gary Chapman)

7 Principles For Making Marriage Work (John Gottman) *

After the Affair / How can I forgive you? (Janis Spring)

The Monogamy Myth / Beyond Affairs (Peggy Vaughan)

Love Must Be Tough (James Dobson)

The Chump Lady Survival Guide to Infidelity: How to Regain Your Sanity After You've Been Cheated On 2

 

* Author interviews:

Shirley Glass

Frank Pittman

John Gottman

[Naively.Sensitive]

Your story reminds me so much of my story -- how I first laid out my thinking about what happened and why it happened, and reading back through it now, I was blaming myself for so much and my husband was so obviously not accepting full responsibility.

 

You've got kids, and that matters. I went and saw a friend's uncle, who is an accomplished divorce attorney, and he walked me through the legalese of settlement documents based on the laws in the state we live in, etc. We discussed post nuptual agreements, and basically walked through every course of legal action for me to consider. At the end, he looked at me with a sad expression and said "look -- I'm really sorry this happened -- but if ___ is apologetic, you feel like it's unlikely to happen again, etc., then my big question for you is do you want to see your son every day and thus give it a try, or is this infidelity just a dealbreaker for you?" For me, not seeing our son was the dealbreaker, but knowing everything legally really gave me a different view than I'd had previously.

 

It made me stronger in my interactions with my husband even though it essentially made me realize that I could not just walk away without trying because of our son. It really sucked -- I was going to be the big loser any way I looked at it -- I didn't have the affair, but I could be the one to rip our family apart and walk away...what kind of BS is that? I was so ANGRY with that realization. SO ANGRY. And it really made me stronger to force my husband to realize that he needed to really start owning everything if we were going to have a shot at moving forward. And he did that. And it's been really tough since...but we both are continuing to fight. I agree with the ideas to get away too -- we went away with our son a few times in the couple of really painful months after the truth. It helped me to start healing. Helped me to see my husband with our son, see my son with both of us, see my husband with pain in his eyes reflecting the pain he could see in my eyes, etc.

 

But every situation is so completely different. What works for someone may not work for you. You just have to navigate through each day and figure out what you want and need.

 

I read a ton of books. Everything I could get my hands on about affairs, relationships, etc. That helped me out.

 

The sad part of all of this is that whatever you decide, you will live with this on a daily or near daily basis for a long time, if not forever. And it really hurts to know that the person who was never supposed to hurt you, has in fact caused irreperable damage. Your ability to manage that awfulness goes a long way into whether reconciling or divorcing makes more sense. If you just can't deal with it, don't. If you aren't sure if you can, give it your best effort and if you need to walk at some point, you walk. Or maybe through that best effort you realize it's all worth fighting for.

 

In the ultimate irony of how your path is going to be different from your wife's path...we are now about 3 years removed from me finding out the truth about an affair with a mutual friend (and serial OW) 5 years ago. The other day we were coming home from date night and I mentioned the OW's first name. After a pause, my H said with a bit of sadness -- "I can't even remember her last name right now". To be fair, he's got the memory of a pea, which is a source of many jokes/fights between us. But I could've told you her full name, phone number, address, education history, job details and a thousand other things because I live with her shadow...but that's generally just not how it works for the person that had the affair. They can really just move on. Forget. And it is so f'ing unfair.

 

My heart breaks to know that you're going through this...but you will find a great support network on this site, with a lot of incredibly caring people. Whether you agree with advice or not, this site will help you to think about everything from a number of different angles. It sounds like you're the type of person that will appreciate that, so keep posting if you have thoughts, want feedback, need to vent, etc.

 

Thank you so much for your detailed post. I'm very sorry to hear about your pain and I can relate to so many things you mentioned, particularly the fact that the betrayed spouse can get stuck with the pain possibly for a lifetime, while the betraying spouse has moved on. That is just so unfair. It feels like a permanent disability caused by the actions of someone you most loved in your life. I can feel the extreme pain you must have experienced, sitting here, even through my computer.

[Try]

My gut feeling (which has also been confirmed by the psychologist) is that her current behavior is probably just a reaction of the pendulum swinging in the extreme opposite direction for a while, in which she wants to feel an overly sense of self indulgence. I think the pendulum may return to its normal and resting position in some time, but it may take a few more months, perhaps 6 months.

What a load of bull. I have never heard such a ridiculous reason to rug sweep an affair in my entire life. I have seen a lot of them on this site, but your's really takes the cake (as in cake eater).

[S2B]

Why give her six more months?

 

You've given her 8 months and she isn't responsive to your needs at all.

 

When any person isn't making serious effort for a relationship - that relationship is dead. It's a one sided pretend relationship.

 

Yet you keep kicking the dead horse to see if it's dead.

 

She isn't into you. She isn't into being married to you.

 

 

The horse is dead.

 

Thinking otherwise is a waste of six more months.

 

There's no logic to your theory. Her inaction has told/shown you everything you need to know/understand.

 

You may have been controlling. But instead of cheating she could have divorced you. Instead it was her decision to cheat for 4 months...every day she plotted against you. That is purposeful. So is her inaction to repair that damage she caused.

 

You will withstand a lot of abuse from her...she knows it. And then you reward her terrible behavior by taking her on a vacation!

 

Who does that? SMH!

[Naively.Sensitive]

Why give her six more months?

 

You've given her 8 months and she isn't responsive to your needs at all.

 

When any person isn't making serious effort for a relationship - that relationship is dead. It's a one sided pretend relationship.

 

Yet you keep kicking the dead horse to see if it's dead.

 

She isn't into you. She isn't into being married to you.

 

 

The horse is dead.

 

Thinking otherwise is a waste of six more months.

 

There's no logic to your theory. Her inaction has told/shown you everything you need to know/understand.

 

You may have been controlling. But instead of cheating she could have divorced you. Instead it was her decision to cheat for 4 months...every day she plotted against you. That is purposeful. So is her inaction to repair that damage she caused.

 

You will withstand a lot of abuse from her...she knows it. And then you reward her terrible behavior by taking her on a vacation!

 

Who does that? SMH!

 

You maybe right. Maybe her behavior in a few months will be the same, but how can I not give her a chance if she's explicitly telling me that she just needs a little space and that her current behavior is not a reflection of what she is "wanting of herself"? She explicitly told me that things should start becoming more sane for her very soon. She told me she expects to move back into the bedroom after the vacation, before the end of the year. I have also seen a few "improvements" in her behavior, in which she checks on me every morning and asks if I would like to have coffee with her.

 

The vacation is what she is paying for. She told me its her treat towards the entire family.

 

In the past 8 months, I think we may have been through initial stages of recovery which were like a roller coaster ride. I don't think any of those stages may have represented our true behaviors, perhaps because we were both in a lot of emotional turmoil.

 

The way I look at it is like this.... If I give her some more time, she will feel less pressure and will probably behave in her natural ways. If not for anything else, it would atleast give me a chance to see her natural and honest self. Either way, I have nothing to lose, except the extreme pain I suffer everyday. I can just take that like a soldier for some time.

Making a knee jerk reaction seems more like a reptilian reaction of my primary fearful instincts. I do feel stupid and being taken advantage of, but I need only feel that for a few more months until I really know if I really was stupid. I'm learning to entertain the possible outcome of learning more from this experience. If I give things a chance, I will learn what happened, if I don't give things a chance, I will never know.

[Ramius]

6 months, 12 months, 18 months. It's up to you to decide how much suffering you want to go thru.

 

A remorseful WW cries, begs, and pleads for a 2nd chance. They don't pout and throw a fit because other people found out. They don't move into a separate bedroom. They don't need time to figure out what they want. They do not come up with bull**** rationalizations about why they did it. Or what it means. Or what they think needs to happen to heal the marriage. In short.....a truly remorseful WW does the exact opposite of everything your wife is doing.

 

 

The marriage is dead, she killed it. You are sitting there waiting for it to be resurrected. There not much anyone can say that will change your mind. It's up to you to decide.

 

 

Stay the current course. Waiting, hoping, giving her time and "space" All the while your soul is being chipped away into little pieces. Your health, your job performance, your life....all being damaged day by day.

 

 

Or reclaim your self respect and move on. No deadlines, no time tables, no games.

[S2B]

She is in the other bedroom because she is pining away for her OM. That's also why she needs space.

 

Waiting for her to love you and respect you doesn't work.

 

You've allowed her to be in the drivers seat and waiting rarely makes that different.

 

Do what you want...but I can't see how she will change until you file those divorce papers. It's amazing how serving those divorce papers on a cheater suddenly makes them start behaving better IF they intend to stay married and respect the betrayed spouse.

 

You've given her way too much leeway to do what she wants. She already did what she wants - now it looks like she's waiting for her MM to change HIS mind.

Edited December 18, 2015 by S2B

[Try]

A remorseful WW cries, begs, and pleads for a 2nd chance. They don't pout and throw a fit because other people found out. They don't move into a separate bedroom. They don't need time to figure out what they want. They do not come up with bull**** rationalizations about why they did it. Or what it means. Or what they think needs to happen to heal the marriage. In short.....a truly remorseful WW does the exact opposite of everything your wife is doing.

@OP: Please read the above a few times, and understand that without true remorse, there can be no true reconciliation. You are in what is called false reconciliation.

[Try]

You've allowed her to be in the drivers seat and waiting rarely makes that different.

The above quoted for truth. She has lost her moral compass, yet you are letting her lead the way.

[S2B]

Where is she sleeping while vacationing if she said she is in the extra bedroom until the end of the year?

 

Why not have her go on vacation and you stay home to show her you'd rather stay home and think about things? Tell her you have an important appointment with your attorney you don't want to miss.

 

Personally I think she buying you off with a vacation so you accept more of her subpar participation in the marriage. Bribing you per se. That way when you complain she can say but I took you on vacation.

 

Let her go. Being bribed like that is so transparent. Not going shows her that you aren't falling for her manipulation any longer.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

1 - If I'm correct, I'm sure that you did want for the relationship to be repaired, did you not?

 

2 - I also had another important question for you. Was the state of your relationship before the affair ever addressed as being the circumstances under which an affair became possible?

 

3 - Did you personally address issues in improving that relationship from how it existed before the affair?

 

4 - How did your wife project her unhappiness onto the relationship and express to you what she would have liked fixed in the relationship? (before the affair)

 

1 - We have kids, so I owed it to my kids to give it a try. If it didn't work, then I could walk away knowing that I tried.

 

2 - State of marriage before the A was good. As my wife put: "we were still in the honeymoon phase". By her account, she was happily married to a great husband.

 

3 - We did address many issues during 3 years of MC; mostly around communication.

 

4 - My wife cheated because she wanted to, not because of our marriage. Sometimes the cheater is broken, not the marriage.