Dealing with wife's affair.

[turnera]

I didn't say divorce.

 

But having her move if she doesn't provide you transparency to everything is key.

Worth repeating.

[merrmeade]

NS has confirmed he's doing everything he can not to divorce. I don't think he's given all the reasons, but I don't think I did either. I do remember feeling badgered a little into doing what most posters wanted me to do. I resented the pressure to explain and defend myself to strangers and meet their demands. As posters fell away, the thread also stopped being helpful for me as well.

 

For myself, I have only one course of action to offer OP—see a therapist and get help, maybe even see a psychiatrist and get assessed for depression. Other than that, I don't think I can help him and don't think LS can either.

[merrmeade]

Sorry - I take the part back about LS helping him. Obviously it is; he's still here.

[Naively.Sensitive]

I didn't say divorce.

 

But having her move if she doesn't provide you transparency to everything is key.

 

She's not attempting to earn your trust = so she's not willing to repair the damage she's caused.

 

So what if you need to make more effort for your kids - that would grow your relationship/involvement with them... Which would be a positive thing. You might find it brings you much joy!

 

And it would send your kids a solid message that when a person betrays the marriage there are consequences to bad behavior.

 

 

There is a part of me that is still very furious that a life partner can do something like this without relative consequences.

After damaging the other partner mentally, emotionally and also affecting the kids by her actions, it seems like my wife is trying to quietly slide away with little or no impact to herself.

 

 

On the other hand, if I tell her to leave the house, the kids are going to want to go with her and she is also not going to leave without them.

The other alternative is that I move out of the house, which is always an alternative, but that too sends a different message. It sends a message that I'm the one inconveniencing myself for her actions.

Most of the house which is already paid for, is my money that I put in through my sweat and blood, working hard. I don't want to give up my home and my bedroom and pay for an apartment, for her actions.

 

 

If I asked her to leave, she may not either, claiming that she also put in 15 years of her life into the house. Moreover, it would inconvenience the kids greatly to leave their bedroom. Why should they pay a price for their mother's actions?

 

 

What are the other alternatives?

Its very complicated.

 

 

There are some other ideas I have, which I plan to post about and ask here, in my next post.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Sorry - I take the part back about LS helping him. Obviously it is; he's still here.

 

 

Yes, I need some level of support. LS is helping. Its just that I'm choosing a certain path and am trying to know the best way of going down that path with minimal pain and suffering. What will be the outcome of going down that path, I'm not sure.... I just know that I am trying to save the marriage, as far as I can save it without further damage to my mental and emotional state and with a path towards recovering myself.

[qubist]

saving marriage takes 2 people. how sure are you she wants it saved?

[Ladyjane14]

There is a part of me that is still very furious that a life partner can do something like this without relative consequences.

After damaging the other partner mentally, emotionally and also affecting the kids by her actions, it seems like my wife is trying to quietly slide away with little or no impact to herself.

 

 

On the other hand, if I tell her to leave the house, the kids are going to want to go with her and she is also not going to leave without them.

The other alternative is that I move out of the house, which is always an alternative, but that too sends a different message. It sends a message that I'm the one inconveniencing myself for her actions.

Most of the house which is already paid for, is my money that I put in through my sweat and blood, working hard. I don't want to give up my home and my bedroom and pay for an apartment, for her actions.

 

 

If I asked her to leave, she may not either, claiming that she also put in 15 years of her life into the house. Moreover, it would inconvenience the kids greatly to leave their bedroom. Why should they pay a price for their mother's actions?

 

 

What are the other alternatives?

Its very complicated.

 

 

There are some other ideas I have, which I plan to post about and ask here, in my next post.

 

You know what this post says to me?... it says that you're still looking for a way to punish.

 

I'll grant you that breaking the temptation to go down that path is like the urge to swim in from a rip current.. every fiber of your being wants to head toward that shore. But in reconciliation efforts just as in rip tides, that action will drown you.

 

As I've told you from the first, there is no justice to be had. Whether you reconcile or not, you have to accept the reality of what happened and CHOOSE to move beyond it. Anything else leaves you bitter.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Yes, I need some level of support. LS is helping. Its just that I'm choosing a certain path and am trying to know the best way of going down that path with minimal pain and suffering. What will be the outcome of going down that path, I'm not sure.... I just know that I am trying to save the marriage, as far as I can save it without further damage to my mental and emotional state and with a path towards recovering myself.

 

At this point I see two options:

 

(1) Continue to suffer through a highly dysfunctional marriage, or

(2) Move on and heal by living in a functional divorce/separation

 

Looks like you have your mind made up

[drifter777]

At this point I see two options:

 

(1) Continue to suffer through a highly dysfunctional marriage, or

Lots & lots of men and women choose this option. I only hope they actually make this choice instead of just drifting along it because of fear to take a different path.

[aliveagain]

There is a part of me that is still very furious that a life partner can do something like this without relative consequences.

After damaging the other partner mentally, emotionally and also affecting the kids by her actions, it seems like my wife is trying to quietly slide away with little or no impact to herself.

 

 

On the other hand, if I tell her to leave the house, the kids are going to want to go with her and she is also not going to leave without them.

The other alternative is that I move out of the house, which is always an alternative, but that too sends a different message. It sends a message that I'm the one inconveniencing myself for her actions.

Most of the house which is already paid for, is my money that I put in through my sweat and blood, working hard. I don't want to give up my home and my bedroom and pay for an apartment, for her actions.

 

 

If I asked her to leave, she may not either, claiming that she also put in 15 years of her life into the house. Moreover, it would inconvenience the kids greatly to leave their bedroom. Why should they pay a price for their mother's actions?

 

 

What are the other alternatives?

Its very complicated.

 

 

There are some other ideas I have, which I plan to post about and ask here, in my next post.

 

Why don't you just talk to a lawyer so you know your worst and your best scenario's. At some point a real decision has to be made, you can only be told the same things so many times(77 pages). The worst thing you can do is nothing. Your children watch you and your wayward wife for their guidance. Mom and dad having different bedrooms is their new norm.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Lots & lots of men and women choose this option. I only hope they actually make this choice instead of just drifting along it because of fear to take a different path.

 

 

My parents did. I had a very traumatic childhood because of my parents living together in a dysfunctional marriage.

Its hard to say if it would have been better for me if they were divorced.

I have only experienced one side of that coin.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Why don't you just talk to a lawyer so you know your worst and your best scenario's. At some point a real decision has to be made, you can only be told the same things so many times(77 pages). The worst thing you can do is nothing. Your children watch you and your wayward wife for their guidance. Mom and dad having different bedrooms is their new norm.

 

 

I am in the process of finding and talking to a suitable lawyer. Just to know the worst and best scenarios.

[Naively.Sensitive]

In the process of trying to make things work, (and amongst the arguments and fights that have also ensued as a result of this), I have discovered that my wife chooses to NOT have conversations that require her to open up her feelings and emotions.

 

 

Sometimes, if I were to ask her a question such as, "Are you missing me?", she usually does not answer that question. She will not refrain from asking or answering questions about daily life, such as, "How did the dropoff to school for the kids go today?"

 

 

She is traveling on business for the next 4 days. She messaged me from the airport asking about how the morning went and about the drop off with the kids?

 

 

I messaged her back if she was asking about the kids or asking about me?

 

 

She replied saying that she was asking about all of us.

 

 

Then, I asked her if she was missing me. She responded by saying she was worried about me. That's not an answer to the question I asked, so I asked her if she was feeling some kind of pressure with my questions.

She said she felt pressure.

I asked if she would feel less pressure if I asked the question in a more loving way. She responded saying that she did not feel like answering that question.

 

 

I then responded saying that it was not considered an open and honest relationship if she did not share her feelings with me.

 

 

She responded saying that you can't pressure someone to tell you something when they don't feel like it. She said its not about honesty... Its about giving respect to the other person's feelings.

 

 

Can someone analyze this for me? The next marriage counseling appointment is too far away.... Its over a week away.

 

 

Is it reasonable to expect her to be open and honest about her feelings and about questions like that which I ask of her?

 

 

Could she not be answering because of either of these 2 reasons:

1) She does not have feelings for me, and she does not miss me, but is afraid to admit it because she fears I may walk out of the relationship.

2) She does have feelings for me and does miss me, but is afraid that if she admits it, I might take advantage of her in some way (I don't even knowing what way).

 

 

What could be the other reasons?

 

 

In other words, what are the reasons why would a wayward wife would not be vulnerable about her feelings?

 

 

Keep in mind that she considers me to be emotionally abusive and that she feels like a victim by her affair partner.

[ShatteredLady]

Hey. Do you always interact with her like that?

 

I know that you're hurting (huge understatement) but if I always pushed my H like that (we're on a similar timeline) he would be pulling away more everyday.

 

Texting you from the airport IS reaching out. She's not that interested in drop off. How many times have your kids been dropped off?!? She's just contacting you.

I do that all the time. I'm not that interested in how my H enjoyed his pack lunch (I've made it so many times!) I just want the contact with him.

 

Your response changed something nice into something...'other'.

 

She tried to stay on point, saying she was thinking of ALL of her family.

 

The way you were responding to her would of made me "worried about you". You're pushing her into corners.

 

Out of interest what would you of retorted if she said, "Yes! Of course I'll miss you!". Honestly!! What would you of said? Truthfully? You didn't sound in the mood to say "I'll miss you too!".

[turnera]

She's not answering your questions because your questions are leading questions. As in 'prove to me that you love me and are putting me first.' NO woman wants to respond to something like that. That's the kind of stuff you talk about in front of a therapist, not in a texting exchange. That's needy, that's weak, and it's unattractive. I wouldn't open up to you, either, the way you interact with her.

 

Is it reasonable to expect her to be open and honest about her feelings and about questions like that which I ask of her?

Not after nine months of crying every day, pressing her in twenty different ways to prove herself, over and over and over. No, it's not. How many people have to tell you that she has decided she has to protect herself from you and the way you're dealing with this, before you believe it? Edited February 15, 2016 by turnera

[Naively.Sensitive]

Hey. Do you always interact with her like that?

 

I know that you're hurting (huge understatement) but if I always pushed my H like that (we're on a similar timeline) he would be pulling away more everyday.

 

Texting you from the airport IS reaching out. She's not that interested in drop off. How many times have your kids been dropped off?!? She's just contacting you.

I do that all the time. I'm not that interested in how my H enjoyed his pack lunch (I've made it so many times!) I just want the contact with him.

 

Your response changed something nice into something...'other'.

 

She tried to stay on point, saying she was thinking of ALL of her family.

 

The way you were responding to her would of made me "worried about you". You're pushing her into corners.

 

Out of interest what would you of retorted if she said, "Yes! Of course I'll miss you!". Honestly!! What would you of said? Truthfully? You didn't sound in the mood to say "I'll miss you too!".

 

 

I'm VERY glad I posted this on LS.

This is exactly why I need your sincere help.

Yes, I am hurting. Hurting very very badly. My nerves are of steel. I'm on a razor's edge.... Business trip, away from the city, God knows what is going to happen there (Although in my gut instinct I don't think she will try anything),.... I am going to miss her. I will not know if she is going to have a happy time there, without me.... Is she? If she is, am I the bad apple in this relationship?

 

 

Ok, so I also admit that my emotions are probably out of whack.... But its because of the affair that SHE had... Ok, can she give me some slack for my emotional desperation to know how she is really feeling about me?

 

 

I want to know if my wife truly loves me dammit!

 

 

To answer your question.... No, I don't always interact with her like that. I have not in 15 years, but after her affair, I have become an emotional wreck. Can she understand that? Can she just believe that based on the book I gave her by Linda Macdonald, "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair"?

 

 

So please advice me.... How should I have reacted? What should I do? And by the way, before I asked her that question about if she was missing me, I first told her that I was missing her, that I needed her. And yes, if she would have told me that she missed me too (or even if she told me that she was angry with me because of an argument we had one day earlier), I would have told her that I miss her. I told her that first remember?

If she would have told me that she did not miss me, I would probably have asked her what would be a good time to talk about her true feelings (calmly). I would have been more at peace if she honestly told me her feelings instead of the nervous wreck I am, trying to guess her feelings.

 

 

So, people, please tell me what I should do? How do I know her feelings and isn't it a good thing to know the truth? If it is, how should I present myself to show her that I am only interested in an open and honest communication and am not trying to push her to say "Yes, I miss you", or "No, I don't". I just feel at ease knowing that at the very least she is communicating honesty with me. Is that too much to ask for?

If not, how should I change my tone or my words to convey that I'm gently trying to know her feelings?

[Naively.Sensitive]

She's not answering your questions because your questions are leading questions. As in 'prove to me that you love me and are putting me first.' NO woman wants to respond to something like that. That's the kind of stuff you talk about in front of a therapist, not in a texting exchange. That's needy, that's weak, and it's unattractive. I wouldn't open up to you, either, the way you interact with her.

 

Not after nine months of crying every day, pressing her in twenty different ways to prove herself, over and over and over. No, it's not. How many people have to tell you that she has decided she has to protect herself from you and the way you're dealing with this, before you believe it?

 

 

Ok, so from what I seem to infer, the problem is with me?

What should I do when I suffer the emotionally charged questions like that? Ignore them and not ask her?

How should I comfort myself when I "don't know how she is feeling"?

 

 

What is she protecting herself from me about? I don't yell at her. I may be in pain. I maybe in desperate need, but how am I harming her by the fact that I'm in desperate need? I understand that maybe it feels like too much pressure for her. But why is it so hard for her to take some pressure of my need in exchange for truly comforting me in my pain?

Isn't it supposed to be gratifying to be able to help a very needy person, heck, even a stranger? Wouldn't it be more gratifying to help your own needy spouse?

 

 

Where am I wrong in my thinking? What are you all seeing that I am not?

[ShatteredLady]

Why did she contact you from the airport? Why wasn't she just skipping onto the plane?

[Naively.Sensitive]

That's the kind of stuff you talk about in front of a therapist, not in a texting exchange. That's needy, that's weak, and it's unattractive. I wouldn't open up to you, either, the way you interact with her.

 

 

Not after nine months of crying every day, pressing her in twenty different ways to prove herself, over and over and over. No, it's not. How many people have to tell you that she has decided she has to protect herself from you and the way you're dealing with this, before you believe it?

 

 

The therapist encouraged us to communicate and talk about our feelings directly, among each other, perhaps texting was not a good way to do that?

I can keep that in mind if texting is not a good way to ask.

 

 

I understand it may be unattractive, but so is a spouse's leg after they have been in a bad accident. Would I completely love upon my unattractive wife if she had an accident that made her bodily unattractive? You bet I would. If my wife was affected mentally and was an emotional mess, I would still not stop loving on her and supporting her recovery.

Is the fact that she is not responding to her needy, weak and unattractive husband an indication of the fact that she does not truly love me?

[ShatteredLady]

This, "I messaged her back if she was asking about the kids or asking about me?" really hit a nerve with me.

 

It's the way my H played mean word games with me when he was having his affair. Nothing I said was right. Everything was loaded. No matter what I said he could turn it around.

 

That is a passive aggressive statement. It's not a legitimate, well intentioned question. It's accusing & begging at the same time. It's mean.

 

I'm not saying that you're not justified. I know the agony that fries the mind!! It's about what you want & interacting like that isn't going to get you what you want.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Why did she contact you from the airport? Why wasn't she just skipping onto the plane?

 

 

She said she was in transit at a stopover airport. She was checking on how the morning went and if the drop off for the kids at their school was OK?

 

 

Is yours a rhetoric question? As in, are you expecting an obvious answer from me, something like, "She cared about the family and she still loves me. That's why".

[Naively.Sensitive]

This, "I messaged her back if she was asking about the kids or asking about me?" really hit a nerve with me.

 

It's the way my H played mean word games with me when he was having his affair. Nothing I said was right. Everything was loaded. No matter what I said he could turn it around.

 

That is a passive aggressive statement. It's not a legitimate, well intentioned question. It's accusing & begging at the same time. It's mean.

 

I'm not saying that you're not justified. I know the agony that fries the mind!! It's about what you want & interacting like that isn't going to get you what you want.

 

 

In your case, your wayward husband appeared mean. In my case, I'm the betrayed husband appearing mean. Is that of any significance? Does it create more justification for a betrayed spouse to react this way? (I'm saying it like I had a choice, but my emotional reactions seem like they are choiceless)

 

 

Ok, so, then, I need to learn how to interact with her when I'm in pain and am simply looking for comfort. Can I read something, somewhere about how to do that? About how to have a well intended conversation in which I'm not pushing her or begging her, but simply requesting her to help me ease my pain? Simply by knowing her feelings....

 

 

Can someone kindly help me in this area? I really appreciate all the help.

[turnera]

Ok, so from what I seem to infer, the problem is with me?

What should I do when I suffer the emotionally charged questions like that? Ignore them and not ask her?

How should I comfort myself when I "don't know how she is feeling"?

IDK, how would you comfort yourself if you suffered a trauma and you had never married her? Oh, right - you would just DO IT.

 

The problem here is that you have TRANSFERRED all your weight onto her and you are suffocating her. Why do you think she moved out of the bedroom?

 

What we have been trying to tell you is this - please read it very carefully:

 

She was wrong to cheat. We all acknowledge it. But what you did AFTER she cheated is NOT normal, NOT healthy, and will NOT get you OR her the peace you both need. Yes, BSs cry. They obsess. They ask questions. But the DEGREE to which you are doing it - nine months later - is bordering on mental health issues. YOURS, not hers.

 

This is no longer about her, or what she did, or what she owes you. This is now about what are YOU going to do with YOUR therapist, with YOUR doctor, with YOUR life...to grab your britches, get your butt up off the floor, and start living life. You are harming yourself by being THIS MESSED UP this far along, you are harming her and any chance you have at reconciliation (I predict she's going to file for divorce in the next two or three months), and you are ABSOLUTELY harming your CHILDREN with your inability to get a grip.

 

This is the legacy you are leaving them. Think about it. My parents interacted with me maybe 4 or 5 days' worth of time about all their troubles, and it's profoundly messed me up for life. Your kids are having to LIVE this sh*t, day in and day out, and you are shaping how messed up they are going to be for life, and I promise it will be far worse than I've dealt with.

 

If you won't get your sh*t together - with the help of a team of professionals - for yourself, at LEAST do it for them.

[turnera]

This, "I messaged her back if she was asking about the kids or asking about me?" really hit a nerve with me.

 

It's the way my H played mean word games with me when he was having his affair. Nothing I said was right. Everything was loaded. No matter what I said he could turn it around.

 

That is a passive aggressive statement. It's not a legitimate, well intentioned question. It's accusing & begging at the same time. It's mean.

 

I'm not saying that you're not justified. I know the agony that fries the mind!! It's about what you want & interacting like that isn't going to get you what you want.

This. Your comments to her are either extremely needy or else purposely passive aggressive.

[ShatteredLady]

You have said quite a lot of times that when it comes to your emotional reactions you don't have a choice. I recognize that feeling but when describing myself I've said, '....but I have to get up every single day & be perky for my kids. I don't have a choice!'.

 

If your wife wasn't taking all the weight with your kids you could be leaving her all weekend to think about things while you're out having fun, quality time... That's why I wrote those posts to you before. I believe that I've coped better (with lots of things, my spine, my health etc) because I've had to!

 

There's the saying "Fake it until you make it!". It will make you feel better! If you divorce you will be alone with your kids every other weekend anyway.

 

No matter what someone has done to you they will eventually run out of stamina trying to live with the constant yo yo, roller coaster, passive aggressive, "love me", "Don't touch me!", "show me passion", "no I won't hold your hand", "hold me when I cry", "get out of the bedroom!"..... I know it sounds horrible but when you constantly display your emotions (which you have no grip on) it makes it IMPOSSIBLE for your wife to know what to do from one moment to the next.

 

She contacted you from the airport just to connect, to show she was thinking of you. If you had responded, "Good! Sally looked so cute in that new dress you bought her & Harry said that he is missing you already ?" or whatever, you're far more likely to get a "I love you & miss you too" kind of response. Your communication isn't natural because you're picking apart & second guessing everything she says & does.

 

 

It's been 9 months (about 7 since my true d-day) of course there are going to be bad days & terrible triggers. I understand your pain, I truly do but isn't this endless misery exhausting?

 

You can't carry-on like this. Somethings got to give. She says "Hello" & you say "What does that mean?". Both of you must be so close to the edge by now. I'm frightened that you're going to get served with divorce papers when you could of reconciled. I believe that reconciliation is what BOTH of you want but she's only going to be able to tolerate so much.

 

Some may argue that she's getting everything she deserves. Kick harder!!

 

I'm lost really.