Dealing with wife's affair.

[soleilesquire]

I struggle everyday, but now, I make sure I don't show her my struggles. I talk to myself to feel better, knowing that there are much better women out there than she is, and that I deserve better.

I have started to take care of myself and my own needs, and if she does not meet them, then I will allow someone else to meet my needs.

I have started to ask myself, what do I want from the relationship? And if she does not give it to me, then I don't engage with her.

 

Every bit of this is internal, and this is part of the problem. Most of your time is spent ruminating, navel-gazing, and participating in internal dialog.

 

Strength motivates ACTION, not more pondering.

[Naively.Sensitive]

I agree!

 

Better taking action than just reacting to her silliness and manipulation.

 

I am not against action. That is what is the outcome of thought isn't it?

 

If I had a certain mission in Life, perhaps I may have been more motivated. I know that some may comment that one does not need a big mission in life and that even daily living is enough of a challenge in itself.

Being there for the kids, enjoying oneself in daily living, like drinking a scotch, or going out to bike, improving one's health, fitness, nutrition, etc.

How do I find myself in all this?

I feel like nothing motivates me. I feel like there is no point to life if one does not know the larger picture about life. Even if the point to life may be to just enjoy a pleasant experience, that usually just involves stimulation of the senses, and even that is so fleeting and temporary.

 

How do I find myself and where I am? Do I base my actions simply on what brings me enjoyment?

[turnera]

How do I find myself and where I am? Do I base my actions simply on what brings me enjoyment?

Therapy, anti-anxiety meds, meditation, and anti-depressants.

[drifter777]

Its heading towards a separation as far as I'm concerned. I need to find a suitable and inexpensive lawyer and also work on arriving at a mutual consenses on the terms of the divorce with her. She is unwilling to even discuss divorce with me. I may have no choice except to just file and then she will have to respond. At that point, if she is willing to talk about mutual terms rather than waste our money that we earned in sweat and blood, in lawyers, it would benefit the entire family.

 

You should talk to a counselor about your depression or at least read about cognitive behavioral therapy and see how it feels to you. One of the keys in this therapy is action - but not the whole "boil the ocean" kind of action. That is paralyzing. Finding an inexpensive lawyer and arriving at "mutual consensus" regarding divorce terms is probably overwhelming to you right now. What you should be thinking about is "where can I sleep for the next few nights?" and then pack a bag and go there. Your action will begin moving things forward for both of you. Right now you are just sitting in limbo hoping a miracle will happen. Everyone is pretty much saying the same thing: do something!

[Mr Blunt]

BY NS

How do I find myself and where I am?

Do I base my actions simply on what brings me enjoyment?

Good grief NS this thread has over 1200 posts!!!!!!

You have been given the answers to your above questions many times in this thread.

 

 

Your wife has proven to you that she does not want to help you or improve the marriage.

 

 

If you really wanted to face your situation and take the advice of this thread you would have taken the actions that many on this thread have given you. Listed below are just a few of the actions that you have been given:

 

By Betty Draper

A separation might make your wife wake up and smell the coffee.

Get your own place to live…….. Leave without so much as a look back at her.

After you leave, do not call your wife unless it pertains to the kids. Do not try to "woo" her or anything like that. Be strong and focus on yourself. I know this will be hard for you because you seem like a Nice Guy who allows people to walk all over you. Being a doormat isn't getting you anywhere. Now it is time to play hardball.

 

By Turnera

And, once again, YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO LOSE THE MARRIAGE, before you can have any hope of saving it.

 

If every move you make is IN ORDER TO LEAST RISK LOSING HER, she knows it. She smells it on you. And it disgusts her more and more.

 

By BetrayedH

Filing for divorce is his best chance for reconciliation

 

 

Katielee

Focus on yourself, not saving her OR your marriage. That's what it MUST be for this to work.

 

 

Space Ritual

I implore you to stop threatening and start doing.

 

By Mr John Adams

Even with a spouse that is trying to help you, a spouse doing many of the right things, reconciliation is difficult. Unless you wife changes her attitude, you have no chance. You cannot make her do it. It is not a one person job. Perhaps it is time to move on.

 

 

 

 

BY NS

Now, its just a matter of healing myself individually, and I'm NOT waiting for her to help me do it. Maybe this is exactly what Life has presented me with, to make me stronger, to heal independently so that I will never be codependent on someone ever again.

 

By Blunt

You allow yourself to be treated like a door mat and that is ALL on you. If you do what you sated above then it will help you enormously if you D or R

 

You now know what you have to do so put your talk into action and become a man that respects yourself so that other will respect you also

 

You have written so much on this forum that you probably have worn out your key board. Talk has its place but you have talked enough and now you need to FACE REALITY and you take ACTION

Right now you are operating on fear and weakness. ONLY YOU CAN FIX THAT!

 

 

NS, Why do you keep asking the same questions over and over and not do what the posters have suggested?

[66Charger]

Fear.

 

Fear that if he does this, she will throw a party.

 

Harsh, but true. (The fear and the party)

 

I know, I know, " nonhelpful " but nothing on this thread is.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Just a quick post to report that overall I have been better since the last week. Ever since I decided not to feel the pressure to be open and honest with my wife, I have felt relief.

I have been able to emotionally disconnect from her for about a week and been able to feel relief as a result of it.

I still have some weak moments of feeling like a victim, but then I remind myself that I'm a fairly good looking guy, have reasonably good health (which I'm going to make better), am financially well off and am well placed in my career.

I have come to realize that I really don't need my wife. Its starting to become a happy feeling!

I still don't do much with my time.... Mainly been busy with work and when I get home, I'm usually too tired to do anything except spend about 30 minutes with the kids and then I lay down to recoup for a while before I have my dinner and then go back to bed, perhaps to take a quick look at the LS forum.

 

Our son has been sick, so I will be with him tomorrow, working from home.

 

This weekend I will be going hiking with a very good friend. A friend I made about 7 months ago, whom I meet for coffee. She has a beautiful smile and she lights up my heart.

 

Other than that its mostly trying to deal with fires and the next few urgent things on the never-ending list of important tasks.

[Ladyjane14]

Just a quick post to report that overall I have been better since the last week. Ever since I decided not to feel the pressure to be open and honest with my wife, I have felt relief.

I have been able to emotionally disconnect from her for about a week and been able to feel relief as a result of it.

I still have some weak moments of feeling like a victim, but then I remind myself that I'm a fairly good looking guy, have reasonably good health (which I'm going to make better), am financially well off and am well placed in my career.

I have come to realize that I really don't need my wife. Its starting to become a happy feeling!

I still don't do much with my time.... Mainly been busy with work and when I get home, I'm usually too tired to do anything except spend about 30 minutes with the kids and then I lay down to recoup for a while before I have my dinner and then go back to bed, perhaps to take a quick look at the LS forum.

 

Our son has been sick, so I will be with him tomorrow, working from home.

 

This weekend I will be going hiking with a very good friend. A friend I made about 7 months ago, whom I meet for coffee. She has a beautiful smile and she lights up my heart.

 

Other than that its mostly trying to deal with fires and the next few urgent things on the never-ending list of important tasks.

 

Why not get a divorce BEFORE you get involved with another woman rather than become the very thing you despised?

[road]

Just a quick post to report that overall I have been better since the last week. Ever since I decided not to feel the pressure to be open and honest with my wife, I have felt relief.

I have been able to emotionally disconnect from her for about a week and been able to feel relief as a result of it.

I still have some weak moments of feeling like a victim, but then I remind myself that I'm a fairly good looking guy, have reasonably good health (which I'm going to make better), am financially well off and am well placed in my career.

I have come to realize that I really don't need my wife. Its starting to become a happy feeling!

I still don't do much with my time.... Mainly been busy with work and when I get home, I'm usually too tired to do anything except spend about 30 minutes with the kids and then I lay down to recoup for a while before I have my dinner and then go back to bed, perhaps to take a quick look at the LS forum.

 

Our son has been sick, so I will be with him tomorrow, working from home.

 

This weekend I will be going hiking with a very good friend. A friend I made about 7 months ago, whom I meet for coffee. She has a beautiful smile and she lights up my heart.

 

Other than that its mostly trying to deal with fires and the next few urgent things on the never-ending list of important tasks.

 

 

This post saddens me. He is going out on a date and he is not divorced. Married men do not date others.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I agree....dating is not the answer. Divorce first...then date.

Sad.....really sad

[MJJean]

So, you're finally detaching from your wife and willing to entertain the idea of a "friendship" with a woman that shares an interest and who has a smile that lights up a room or somthing, but you're not willing to tell your wife it's over and start making actual changes in real life?

 

Look, I get it. I was married when I began my relationship with DH. You want to date, date. You can't file for divorce right now, ok. But at least tell your wife you want a divorce and are moving on first.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I just truly feel that what he is about to do is dangerous on so many levels.

To bring another person into this equation is not fair to her... Or anyone else.

 

If your marriage is over... Then file. I understand living under the same roof because of money and the kids...but do the paperwork... Start the process.

 

Ns is vulnerable.... How long before he starts having sex with this new woman? How long before he falls in love with her?

 

He is lonely he is attention starved he is devastated ....

 

Yep this will be a disaster....

[Naively.Sensitive]

Proper order would mean you divorce first.

 

Now you're going to give a new gal hope when you're still married and living in the house with your wife...

 

 

I can't support hurting another gal by seeing her now.

 

Why aren't you taking action to end the M and move? Or have your wife move?

 

Nothing in the universe is proper. Proper is what we define as humans and we violate our own rules. The universe hardly has any such rules.

We do what we consider to be within our and society's moral and ethical boundaries.

As long as my conscious is clear and I know my boundaries and the gal I'm friends with knows my exact situation, there is really nothing to hide or be afraid of. I know that she is a good friend who has come to comfort me in my time of need. And I also know that I'm only offering her a friendship, nothing more.

If it starts becoming more than that, I know I will either not go there or will assess the situation at that point, before I cross any lines.

 

My wife is essentially doing the same thing isn't she? She is living with me even though she has no feelings for me. She is emotionally connected to some people, but not me. She is doing what she needs to do for herself and I'm doing what I need to do to heal myself. I really don't owe her anything more than not crossing certain lines.

Its a relationship of convenience with her, just as she treats the same relationship as convenient for herself.

 

Marriage is just a piece of legal paper and I'm not doing anything illegal by seeking comfort from a friend.

[Naively.Sensitive]

I just truly feel that what he is about to do is dangerous on so many levels.

To bring another person into this equation is not fair to her... Or anyone else.

 

If your marriage is over... Then file. I understand living under the same roof because of money and the kids...but do the paperwork... Start the process.

 

Ns is vulnerable.... How long before he starts having sex with this new woman? How long before he falls in love with her?

 

He is lonely he is attention starved he is devastated ....

 

Yep this will be a disaster....

 

Life is not fair, but I'm not being unfair to the gal who is my friend, because she enjoys my company just as much as I enjoy hers and we are good friends, nothing more.

What is more unfair in my opinion is the fact that I have worked hard, put in my sweat and blood in my marriage for the last 15 years and will have to part with half my financial resources for something my wife did and for the fact that she is not able to be the wife that I or anyone would expect would be there for her husband.

 

I will never be having sex with another woman, because that would violate my own sense of ethics and self worth. I could never fall in my own levels.

[katielee]

is this woman friend of yours married?

does your wife know of this friendship and plan to spend time together?

[Naively.Sensitive]

is this woman friend of yours married?

does your wife know of this friendship and plan to spend time together?

 

This woman friend is partnered, not married.

My wife knows that I meet her for coffee, but she has not met this friend.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Ns... Welcome to the mindset of a cheater.

Justification... Excuse.... Reason....

 

Everything you have posted is exactly how I fell into cheating.

 

And what's more.... Exactly how your wife also allowed herself to cheat.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Ns... Welcome to the mindset of a cheater.

Justification... Excuse.... Reason....

 

Everything you have posted is exactly how I fell into cheating.

 

And what's more.... Exactly how your wife also allowed herself to cheat.

 

I'm sorry, I disagree. There may be justification, but justification to do what?

To spend some time with a woman friend because she comforts me and we talk? And I like her smile because it gives me hope that I will be able to open my heart and smile the way she does when my pain is gone?

What happens when you see a commercial on TV with a man on a beach, enjoying the sunset? Your thoughts wander and you think about how life can be? How you could be on that beach, enjoying the sunset? Is that cheating because you did not include your husband in your dream?

[Naively.Sensitive]

Oh wow... An eloquent way of reducing the value of marriage, friendship and truth.

 

The value of marriage is only as much as the people who are in the marriage make it out to be. My wife clearly did not value it when she cheated. Infact, she broke the most fundamental vow of a marriage.

I did not.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm still doing my duty towards her and the children. Whether or not there is an emotional connection with my wife is not purely upto me. But if there is no emotional connection, then it does not amount to cheating. There may be no emotional connection even when couples fight. Does that mean they are cheating?

 

What I have realized is that the relationship of a marriage is man made only. There is nothing sacred about it. They say that marriages are made in heaven. I think that is a bullcrap, because a marriage is simply a man made ritual to achieve a certain end. That end is some type of support and security.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I'm sorry, I disagree. There may be justification, but justification to do what?

To spend some time with a woman friend because she comforts me and we talk? And I like her smile because it gives me hope that I will be able to open my heart and smile the way she does when my pain is gone?

What happens when you see a commercial on TV with a man on a beach, enjoying the sunset? Your thoughts wander and you think about how life can be? How you could be on that beach, enjoying the sunset? Is that cheating because you did not include your husband in your dream?

 

Ns... I never had any intention to cheat. I was feeling like my husband did not care about me any more. What harm could come from going to lunch?

 

Don't you see... It isn't appropriate... It just isn't. You can tell yourself all day long you deserve it... Nothing will happen... But the reality is... You are about to step over a line... Just like me. Just like John.

 

Didn't he deserve to have an ice cream with a pretty girl that made him feel nice while he was so devasted by what I had done? What's an ice cream? What harm can come from just talking and having an ice cream?

 

You are on a slippery slope....

[katielee]

Affair or not, married or partnered couples shouldn't be spending time with the opposite sex alone pursuing recreational activities.

[MadJackBird]

I'm sorry, I disagree. There may be justification, but justification to do what?

To spend some time with a woman friend because she comforts me and we talk? And I like her smile because it gives me hope that I will be able to open my heart and smile the way she does when my pain is gone?

What happens when you see a commercial on TV with a man on a beach, enjoying the sunset? Your thoughts wander and you think about how life can be? How you could be on that beach, enjoying the sunset? Is that cheating because you did not include your husband in your dream?

 

NS. This relationship with the other woman that you are describing is emotional adultery. Congrats, you are no better then your wife now.

 

When you are in a marriage you are to forsake all others and not have emotional connections with any female that isn't your wife. No opposite gendered friends. This is how most all adultery situations start. You get an emotional connection first and it will, left to it's own devices proceed to physical. How do I know, It's exactly the same story my former wife had. I'm sure others could repeat this story ad nauseum.

 

Have you proceeded with your divorce yet? Please PLEASE do that before getting involved with anyone, however innocent. You've already crossed a line. You say she gives you comfort and you talk. That is an emoational adultery situation.

 

Let me ask one more time. Have you started the divorce proceedings.

 

DO THAT FIRST!

 

And it usually takes some time after that to fully heal, some recommend 1-5 years after marriage. I waited a good full year after I was seperated before I really was healthy enough for a new relationship. When I dabbled into it earlier then that it was a disastor, and still now 2.5+ years post I still have triggers and issues.

 

Please give yourself time to rediscover yourself, heal before you take this step. And realize what we are all saying, this new friendship is on shaky ground and thin ice.

[road]

Ns... Welcome to the mindset of a cheater.

Justification... Excuse.... Reason....

 

Everything you have posted is exactly how I fell into cheating.

 

And what's more.... Exactly how your wife also allowed herself to cheat.

 

 

You do not know how much it pains me to agree with Mrs JA. But she is 100% correct NS.

[road]

NS, bad enough that you are walking down the same road as your WW and becoming a WH.

 

 

Your friend, the one that you are going to date is in a relationship. You are turning her into a OW/ WGF.

 

 

But the best part you are creating another you. Another BH/BBF. And yourself an OM.

 

 

The cream always rises to the top. Unfortunately you are sinking to the bottom of the milk bottle.

[Mrs. John Adams]

You do not know how much it pains me to agree with Mrs JA. But she is 100% correct NS.

 

It isn't the first time you have agreed with me and it won't be the last.