Dealing with wife's affair.

[Naively.Sensitive]

She's a big girl - and it's time she figured out things on her own. She makes money - that car should be with her money and in her name only.

 

This is where you show her that she's on her own from the choices she's made.

 

 

Let her get a car - but don't go with her! Don't help with co mingled money and don't participate!

 

It sends a message to her - that you're stepping away and she needs to figure these things out herself!

 

Stop allowing her to manipulate you. Treat her as she deserves - separately from you and your decisions.

 

Keep things separated - because they will eventually get divided up anyway when/if you divorce her.

 

 

It will be easier for you when you just start telling her that you aren't participating in that and you're going to allow her to do that herself.

 

It's a good place to start sending her a clear message = you want to act like I'm not a part of your life and that's what you'll get in return.

 

 

She's paying for it with her own money. That was made pretty clear upfront. I'm just taking her to some dealerships. She is on her own even as far as price negotiations with the sales people.

The sales person asked me to sit next to them. I flatly refused, telling him that this was my wife's car and her life. I waited in the lobby area with the kids. She landed up not buying the car as the sales person sneakily increased the price.

[Naively.Sensitive]

So instead of implementing the 180, you're applying the 360?

 

NS,

 

I do not how else to convince you that this standing strategy will not work. You still allow fear to guide your actions. And you continue to swell with pain, anger, and bitterness. Stop hurting willfully yourself.

 

Let's look at this from a practical angle and hopefully you will see why this strategy will never work. Whether or not she puts anything into this relationship, you still provide for her. So why on earth would she put anything into this relationship when she continues to receive the same benefits she would by investing little to no effort?

 

Until you get over your fear, you will continue to emotionally deteriorate. There is no recovery if you stay like this. You will only grow fully of resentment and anger. You lose yourself. No one else will be able to find you.

 

Can I ask why you are afraid of letting go of your wife? Do you believe if you do, she will not come back?

 

 

She not having a car is inconvenient to the family, as I need to drop the kids in the morning and then also pick them up and pick her up.

Its in the interest of the family that I'm simply driving her to the dealerships.

 

 

I am not afraid of letting her go. I have already started educating myself on the divorce process and expectations, if things still keep going along the same path.

[OneLov]

NS,

 

Because it's convenient for the family? Well there's a lot of necessary things in life that are inconvenient. You're selling yourself short. You deserve better than that.

 

I'd tell her to find a ride. Or take the bus. Actually, I'd say why don't you hit up old duffel bags. He owes you for the storage.

 

Dude, you need to take control of your life instead of putting it in her hands. Come on man, you are better than that; you have a good heart. Give it to someone who will reciprocate that feeling. Find your happiness; don't bury yourself in misery.

 

Choose you,

OL

[S2B]

She not having a car is inconvenient to the family, as I need to drop the kids in the morning and then also pick them up and pick her up.

Its in the interest of the family that I'm simply driving her to the dealerships.

 

 

I am not afraid of letting her go. I have already started educating myself on the divorce process and expectations, if things still keep going along the same path.

 

She can get a taxi or an uber ride.

 

Seriously, you could spend that time with your kids instead of waiting around while she decides on a car.

 

She can also rent a car.

 

When YOU start saying NO to everything - she will start finding ways to figure these things out HERSELF!

 

That's why YOU missed the whole point! You always seem to offer being her doormat.

 

Good God man -WHEN are you going to start doing SOME NEW action? Anything!

 

 

She says jump and you say how high... Nothing has changed here because you're afraid to do anything.

 

Start now. Build a new life FOR YOURSELF. The only thing to tell her is NO or "I'll let YOU figure that out on your own".

[S2B]

And get used to driving your kids. It should be viewed as an honor but you describe it as an inconvenience.

 

When you divorce you'll have to drive them plenty of places. Especially when they are teenagers.

 

Do you always view your kids as an inconvenience?

[merrmeade]

Just stop. Don't help her buy a car. You are thinking like a man who is in a viable marriage. You are at the crossroad.

 

Help her buy a car and it is one more debt you will have to pay in the divorce. Alternatively, help her buy the car and it is what a person in a viable marriage does. Which one are you choosing?

 

There is no middle ground. If she needs a car, that is her problem and life in the future as your ex will be filled with tough issues like that. On the other hand, if you all need her to have a car for your marriage to thrive financially, then help.

 

There is no credit for the past. Everything now looks towards the future. Your time to choose a direction has now arrived in a real demonstrative way. Separate beds and stuff is just posturing. Now, you have a real, tangible, significant stand to take. There is no quibbling, half stepping, posturing. Either you help or you say this is where I leave you.

I don't disagree with any of this or any of the posts urging NS to divorce. They've been gaining momentum for the past so many pages. But I don't believe NS is on board with this consensus, and I think it's moved past him and is no longer helping him where he is. I don't know where he is necessarily but nowhere do I see him agreeing or buying into the plan to leave her. He's taken no steps nor said this is his plan. The title of the thread is exactly what he's doing: Dealing with wife's affair.

 

He's coming here, perhaps, for understanding, philosophical perspective, but I don't see him asking for a plan unless it would be a plan to make her change. I haven't seen him say with any credibility that he's planning to divorce her. When he mentions it, it's more in response to a particular poster's points. Actually it's often occurred to me it's almost out of politeness, to humor and show appreciation to posters.

 

I don't see that NS has changed much from the beginning of the thread and frankly don't see why that's a problem. We give a WS hell for putting expectations on a BS to get 'over' the affair. I thought it was agreed there should be no timeline and, in fact, some will take longer than others.

 

It's just my opinion, but I see this thread moving full steam ahead — without the OP.

[S2B]

I think it's useful with your therapist to work essentially on getting a solid boundary for yourself.

 

What has therapy HELPED YOU with so far?

[S2B]

Tell me you're not getting her a gift for Valentine's Day...?

[Naively.Sensitive]

Tell me you're not getting her a gift for Valentine's Day...?

 

 

No, I'm not. I can't be that dishonest with myself.

I will start to, next year, if our relationship improves to a certain acceptable level.

[Naively.Sensitive]

I don't disagree with any of this or any of the posts urging NS to divorce. They've been gaining momentum for the past so many pages. But I don't believe NS is on board with this consensus, and I think it's moved past him and is no longer helping him where he is. I don't know where he is necessarily but nowhere do I see him agreeing or buying into the plan to leave her. He's taken no steps nor said this is his plan. The title of the thread is exactly what he's doing: Dealing with wife's affair.

 

He's coming here, perhaps, for understanding, philosophical perspective, but I don't see him asking for a plan unless it would be a plan to make her change. I haven't seen him say with any credibility that he's planning to divorce her. When he mentions it, it's more in response to a particular poster's points. Actually it's often occurred to me it's almost out of politeness, to humor and show appreciation to posters.

 

I don't see that NS has changed much from the beginning of the thread and frankly don't see why that's a problem. We give a WS hell for putting expectations on a BS to get 'over' the affair. I thought it was agreed there should be no timeline and, in fact, some will take longer than others.

 

It's just my opinion, but I see this thread moving full steam ahead — without the OP.

 

 

Its true that my intention is to make the marriage work and repair the relationship "somehow". If there is some way, I want to know what that way is. That is how motivated I am.

 

 

At the same time, I realize that I'm not willing to give up everything about my expectations of a relationship and of marriage. Exactly how much I can give up and for how long is exactly what I'm being tested for. I reach those limits of boundaries almost everyday, sometimes even crossing them. How long can this continue? I'm not sure. I only know that I'm taking it 1 day at a time, and so far I have survived, although my health has suffered tremendously. I have lost weight (which may not be a bad side effect), and my nerves feel like steel everyday. I am now making a conscious choice to not beat myself up.

 

 

While I don't want to take the path towards Divorce (if its going to be me choosing it), and I don't want to give up on my needs of the relationship either, there is actually a middle ground, just to save the marriage... And that is to not connect with my wife on her terms alone, but instead, only connect with her on terms that include both our terms. I think therein lies the solution. If our terms conflict, then we can use the marriage counselor to help us arrive at some consensus on mutually agreeable terms and expectations.

 

 

If she is not able to meet my terms and expectations to the basic level I need, then I can build my walls around myself to protect myself and not hurt myself by expecting her to meet my expectations.... Instead, I can find happiness in other areas of my life. I know that many people find happiness even if they are single, so why not me? Why do I have to define my happiness as being tied to this relationship? What is so special about her that I need to be emotionally attached to her? Only if she gives me 100% of what I really need (and not what she wants me to need and what she is capable of giving), will I take it, but I will not take any half-baked effort of what I need (and hurt myself in the process)

In life's journey, if I come across someone who is really capable of giving me what I need, then I can cross that bridge at that time and let her know, moving out of this relationship, to a more suitable one at that time.

In actuality, I want to rid myself of the codependency of any relationship. Why? Because that is better for me anyway. I can probably give more in a relationship if I don't need much. If I don't need much, then even my expectations will be lower, also possibly lowering my disappointments.

[S2B]

Its true that my intention is to make the marriage work and repair the relationship "somehow". If there is some way, I want to know what that way is. That is how motivated I am.

 

 

At the same time, I realize that I'm not willing to give up everything about my expectations of a relationship and of marriage. Exactly how much I can give up and for how long is exactly what I'm being tested for. I reach those limits of boundaries almost everyday, sometimes even crossing them. How long can this continue? I'm not sure. I only know that I'm taking it 1 day at a time, and so far I have survived, although my health has suffered tremendously. I have lost weight (which may not be a bad side effect), and my nerves feel like steel everyday. I am now making a conscious choice to not beat myself up.

 

 

While I don't want to take the path towards Divorce (if its going to be me choosing it), and I don't want to give up on my needs of the relationship either, there is actually a middle ground, just to save the marriage... And that is to not connect with my wife on her terms alone, but instead, only connect with her on terms that include both our terms. I think therein lies the solution. If our terms conflict, then we can use the marriage counselor to help us arrive at some consensus on mutually agreeable terms and expectations.

 

 

If she is not able to meet my terms and expectations to the basic level I need, then I can build my walls around myself to protect myself and not hurt myself by expecting her to meet my expectations.... Instead, I can find happiness in other areas of my life. I know that many people find happiness even if they are single, so why not me? Why do I have to define my happiness as being tied to this relationship? What is so special about her that I need to be emotionally attached to her? Only if she gives me 100% of what I really need (and not what she wants me to need and what she is capable of giving), will I take it, but I will not take any half-baked effort of what I need (and hurt myself in the process)

In life's journey, if I come across someone who is really capable of giving me what I need, then I can cross that bridge at that time and let her know, moving out of this relationship, to a more suitable one at that time.

In actuality, I want to rid myself of the codependency of any relationship. Why? Because that is better for me anyway. I can probably give more in a relationship if I don't need much. If I don't need much, then even my expectations will be lower, also possibly lowering my disappointments.

 

How sad this post makes me feel for you.

 

Can you do me a favor? Can you please answer all those questions yourself, for us - the ones you're asking in the 4th paragraph.

[cgiles]

How goes the 180 ?

 

Did you put your ducks in row ?

 

Two important saying :

 

If you want to save your marriage, you must be ready to lose it.

 

Are you ready to lose it ?

 

The one who is ready to leave a relationship, controls it.

 

It doesn't mean to have a bag packed all the time. Just to stop to be granted. To become emotionally independant, and to be physically attractive.

 

You said you was not working out,as you find that boring.

 

Give a look to couchto5k : C25K: Couch to 5K

 

or to zombierun : https://zombiesrungame.com/

 

Did you read and apply this book : https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

[S2B]

This thread should be titled:

 

NOT dealing with wife's affair!!!

 

You really haven't imposed any consequences! You haven't taken action to actually CHANGE anything!

 

It's hard to help you when you won't help yourself!

 

Pity party...no action = nothing changes! So get used to feeling like crap every day since this is now YOUR choice since you won't do a thing to help yourself!

 

It's no longer about her at all - it's about you and what you won't do. We are all responsible for our own choices.

[OneLov]

Its true that my intention is to make the marriage work and repair the relationship "somehow". If there is some way, I want to know what that way is. That is how motivated I am.

 

But that's not your wife's intention (a fair and objective interpretation of your wife's intent based upon the actions you described). In this situation, I'm sorry to tell you there is no way. Everyone here, including myself, has told you that over and over.

 

Merrmeade's right, you clearly are unable to take action at this time. That's ok. I hope you find the strength one day. And with that, there's nothing really left to say about your situation anymore. I wish you the best. I hope you find happiness.

 

✌️

OL

Edited February 14, 2016 by OneLov

[Naively.Sensitive]

How sad this post makes me feel for you.

 

Can you do me a favor? Can you please answer all those questions yourself, for us - the ones you're asking in the 4th paragraph.

 

 

Those are rhetoric questions. The answers are obvious to me.

[Naively.Sensitive]

This thread should be titled:

 

NOT dealing with wife's affair!!!

 

You really haven't imposed any consequences! You haven't taken action to actually CHANGE anything!

 

It's hard to help you when you won't help yourself!

 

Pity party...no action = nothing changes! So get used to feeling like crap every day since this is now YOUR choice since you won't do a thing to help yourself!

 

It's no longer about her at all - it's about you and what you won't do. We are all responsible for our own choices.

 

 

What would be the consequences? Divorce? That would affect a family of 4, so I'm doing everything I can to avoid that consequence.

My goal is to not feel pain and not feel like crap and I'm trying things to achieve that goal. It may not be the same path that others take to reach that goal. You seem to imply that the path you have in mind is the only path to reach that goal.

I'm trying to deal with my feelings and emotions internally, because they are mine and I can have control over how I handle them, if I learn to.

[S2B]

I didn't say divorce.

 

But having her move if she doesn't provide you transparency to everything is key.

 

She's not attempting to earn your trust = so she's not willing to repair the damage she's caused.

 

So what if you need to make more effort for your kids - that would grow your relationship/involvement with them... Which would be a positive thing. You might find it brings you much joy!

 

And it would send your kids a solid message that when a person betrays the marriage there are consequences to bad behavior.

[turnera]

I didn't say divorce.

 

But having her move if she doesn't provide you transparency to everything is key.

Worth repeating.

[S2B]

Lots of folks have made suggestions for you to act on - but all you seem to take from suggestions is "divorce" - which is not the case.

 

I don't know why you seem to jump to that every single time...

[merrmeade]

NS has confirmed he's doing everything he can not to divorce. I don't think he's given all the reasons, but I don't think I did either. I do remember feeling badgered a little into doing what most posters wanted me to do. I resented the pressure to explain and defend myself to strangers and meet their demands. As posters fell away, the thread also stopped being helpful for me as well.

 

For myself, I have only one course of action to offer OP—see a therapist and get help, maybe even see a psychiatrist and get assessed for depression. Other than that, I don't think I can help him and don't think LS can either.

[merrmeade]

Sorry - I take the part back about LS helping him. Obviously it is; he's still here.

[Naively.Sensitive]

I didn't say divorce.

 

But having her move if she doesn't provide you transparency to everything is key.

 

She's not attempting to earn your trust = so she's not willing to repair the damage she's caused.

 

So what if you need to make more effort for your kids - that would grow your relationship/involvement with them... Which would be a positive thing. You might find it brings you much joy!

 

And it would send your kids a solid message that when a person betrays the marriage there are consequences to bad behavior.

 

 

There is a part of me that is still very furious that a life partner can do something like this without relative consequences.

After damaging the other partner mentally, emotionally and also affecting the kids by her actions, it seems like my wife is trying to quietly slide away with little or no impact to herself.

 

 

On the other hand, if I tell her to leave the house, the kids are going to want to go with her and she is also not going to leave without them.

The other alternative is that I move out of the house, which is always an alternative, but that too sends a different message. It sends a message that I'm the one inconveniencing myself for her actions.

Most of the house which is already paid for, is my money that I put in through my sweat and blood, working hard. I don't want to give up my home and my bedroom and pay for an apartment, for her actions.

 

 

If I asked her to leave, she may not either, claiming that she also put in 15 years of her life into the house. Moreover, it would inconvenience the kids greatly to leave their bedroom. Why should they pay a price for their mother's actions?

 

 

What are the other alternatives?

Its very complicated.

 

 

There are some other ideas I have, which I plan to post about and ask here, in my next post.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Sorry - I take the part back about LS helping him. Obviously it is; he's still here.

 

 

Yes, I need some level of support. LS is helping. Its just that I'm choosing a certain path and am trying to know the best way of going down that path with minimal pain and suffering. What will be the outcome of going down that path, I'm not sure.... I just know that I am trying to save the marriage, as far as I can save it without further damage to my mental and emotional state and with a path towards recovering myself.

[qubist]

saving marriage takes 2 people. how sure are you she wants it saved?

[Ladyjane14]

There is a part of me that is still very furious that a life partner can do something like this without relative consequences.

After damaging the other partner mentally, emotionally and also affecting the kids by her actions, it seems like my wife is trying to quietly slide away with little or no impact to herself.

 

 

On the other hand, if I tell her to leave the house, the kids are going to want to go with her and she is also not going to leave without them.

The other alternative is that I move out of the house, which is always an alternative, but that too sends a different message. It sends a message that I'm the one inconveniencing myself for her actions.

Most of the house which is already paid for, is my money that I put in through my sweat and blood, working hard. I don't want to give up my home and my bedroom and pay for an apartment, for her actions.

 

 

If I asked her to leave, she may not either, claiming that she also put in 15 years of her life into the house. Moreover, it would inconvenience the kids greatly to leave their bedroom. Why should they pay a price for their mother's actions?

 

 

What are the other alternatives?

Its very complicated.

 

 

There are some other ideas I have, which I plan to post about and ask here, in my next post.

 

You know what this post says to me?... it says that you're still looking for a way to punish.

 

I'll grant you that breaking the temptation to go down that path is like the urge to swim in from a rip current.. every fiber of your being wants to head toward that shore. But in reconciliation efforts just as in rip tides, that action will drown you.

 

As I've told you from the first, there is no justice to be had. Whether you reconcile or not, you have to accept the reality of what happened and CHOOSE to move beyond it. Anything else leaves you bitter.