Dealing with wife's affair.

[aliveagain]

Well I've been away most of the last week at our AGM in Vancouver so I haven't posted much. Firstly doing nothing is the worst thing you can do. You can't nice them back and going on a holiday with her is a very poor consequence for her infidelity. It's been over 8 months and if she feels she still needs time to herself to figure things out then you have much bigger problems, sounds like she's getting her ducks in a row.

 

How about a new approach, file for divorce and give her 6 months to prove herself worthy of a second chance? If she can't, finish what her affair started. You can't leave the future of your life to someone that makes very poor decisions. Isn't it better to know sooner then later if she is committed to the marriage, why prolong the pain? She needs to take you seriously. If you won't fight for yourself why do you expect her to do so?

[LifesontheUp]

You are right in the fact that she may be in that bubble and the only way to break that bubble may be to start walking. If she cares enough about the relationship, she would stop me. The question is how long I should give her?

 

 

NS, I did reply to you much earlier in your thread.

 

My advice again is that she isn't remorseful so pack that bag and off she goes. Why do I say that?

 

Because at this moment in time YOU should be looking after YOU.

 

Why do you want to put up with this any longer? Are you a masochist?

 

Seriously, why do you think she will ever change? She should have been there for you by now. 8 months is a long time to let you suffer.

 

Honestly, my view is still the same after all your posts, your marriage is over.

[Ladyjane14]

I honestly don't think you're going to start feeling better until you make a decision as to whether you're 'all-in' or 'all-out'. So, no... going another six months with one foot out the door isn't going to change anything.

 

I also don't think it's realistic to expect that your formerly wayward wife can somehow heal you. Like happiness, healing comes from the inside. She doesn't have a time machine. She can't go back and un**** the guy. So, which pound of flesh can she give that will satisfy her debt to you?

 

I know that sounds a bit cold, but it's not meant to be. I absolutely understand what you're going through. I get it, I do. It's a traumatic stress injury, and your brain is responding accordingly... and involuntarily at times. Try The Body Keeps Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk for more information on PTSD. And if you haven't talked with your medical doctor regarding treatment of your anxiety, think about doing that as well.

 

In the meantime, try to wrap your mind around the fact that your wife can't fix this. No amount of remorse or hand-holding will undo what happened. It happened. It can't be undone. So, if you decide to proceed, you do so knowing that you're giving up the option to punish the cheater. Period. You can't reconcile *and* punish. They're two different things with two different outcomes.

 

So, here are the options:

1. Divorce, move on, and heal.

2. Reconcile, move on, and heal.

 

Pick one. The angst and limbo continue until you do. Once you've made your decision, the pain doesn't magically go away but at least you've started forward momentum.

[m.snow]

I would suggest that you seek individual counseling. And also marriage counseling but your wife must come willingly and of her own accord.

 

I suggest that both you continue going to a counselor for sometime.

Find a good one not just a family friend to avoid biases.

 

It is important to know that you must work on yourself and only you can fix you.

Just remember you are not alone in this, It happens to good people many many a times.

 

Seek to control that anger, learn to stop if you find yourself already being verbally abusive. Again I stress the importance in seeking a professional individual counselor.

[66Charger]

Sometimes we have to learn our lessons the hard way. People will do WHAT THEY WANT to do. Anything else, is just an excuse. . This OP will not listen. He is in for a hard fall. Reality will come when his wife serves him with divorce papers.

 

I have learned the hard way that when someone shows you who they are, believe them. She wants another, let her. Life can have pain, but you must start the healing. Perhaps you shouldnt try to heal the relationship, but try to heal yourself. Experience has taught me that if you wait, you will receive nothing.

 

Good luck OP. I think your title is accurate. Naive and sensitive. Doesnt make you a bad guy, but it extends your pain and unnecessary pain kills the soul.

[Ladyjane14]

I agree.

 

And even IF she changes her ways after she's moved out I'm not sure if consider going back with anyone who would be capable of having you suffer so much while she does nothing to mend the marriage.

 

She's cold and selfish. She's should be on her own.

 

 

We have made suggestions that you can do.

 

But the issue is that you keep thinking this is for her to do. She's not doing anything. She's made her decision. It is only up to you.

 

She'll eventually do something. She'll eventually leave.

 

What cheaters fear the most regarding reconciliation is that they'll never truly be forgiven and that they'll remain in the one-down position for the rest of their lives. So, in order for the process to even have a chance, that fear has to be put to rest... and you can't do that when you're acting out with bipolar mood swings.

 

It's not fair that a person who has already been betrayed ends up doing so much of the heavy lifting, but it all depends on what you're trying to accomplish. If the OP wants out of the marriage, by all means... his wife has given him ample reason to divorce her. If he wants in though, he's going to have to realize that it takes BOTH of them to make it work. He can't just sit around waiting for her to make it right... because nothing she does will change the past.

 

See, that's where we get stuck. What we really want is for the infidelity not to have happened. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the emotional brain is in fight, flight, or freeze mode, further complicating our decision-making process going forward and hampering our ability to discern that what we want (to change the past) is impossible.

 

 

I've noticed lately that people are really hung up around here with the idea of "remorse" and whether or not a formerly wayward spouse is groveling enough. Sorry, but that might feel like progress to some, but for a real marriage to have any chance of satisfying the needs of both partners, the footing has to eventually become equal. Nobody is going to wear the hair shirt forever, you know.

 

So... it's not fair. Cheating never is. But when one decides to reconcile after infidelity, "not fair" just goes with the territory. After all, you're dealing with a person who has already demonstrated a shocking lack of coping skills, and then asking them not only to pull their **** together but also to single-handedly repair the damaged relationship. It's not gonna happen.

[Try]

So, which pound of flesh can she give that will satisfy her debt to you?

The OP is not looking for a "pound of flesh", he has been looking for and not seeing true remorse.

 

In the meantime, try to wrap your mind around the fact that your wife can't fix this. No amount of remorse or hand-holding will undo what happened. It happened. It can't be undone. So, if you decide to proceed, you do so knowing that you're giving up the option to punish the cheater. Period. You can't reconcile *and* punish. They're two different things with two different outcomes.

 

So, here are the options:

1. Divorce, move on, and heal.

2. Reconcile, move on, and heal.

Your advice does not apply to this situation because the wife has not been fully remorseful. Although, the wife may not be able to "fix this", she needs to at least try. As Ramius said so well in an earlier post on this thread, "A remorseful WW cries, begs, and pleads for a 2nd chance. They don't pout and throw a fit because other people found out. They don't move into a separate bedroom. They don't need time to figure out what they want. They do not come up with bull**** rationalizations about why they did it. Or what it means. Or what they think needs to happen to heal the marriage. In short.....a truly remorseful WW does the exact opposite of everything your wife is doing." Without true remorse, there cannot be true reconciliation, thus your option 2 is not really an option in this particular case.

[Try]

I've noticed lately that people are really hung up around here with the idea of "remorse" and whether or not a formerly wayward spouse is groveling enough. Sorry, but that might feel like progress to some, but for a real marriage to have any chance of satisfying the needs of both partners, the footing has to eventually become equal. Nobody is going to wear the hair shirt forever, you know.

Remorse is not "groveling". Remorse is actually feeling sorry for what you have done. Although long term "the footing has to eventually become equal", there can be no long term until the cheater shows true remorse for all that they have done. Your attitude that remorse is groveling, and that is should therefore not be a requirement of reconciliation, leads to rug sweeping and false reconciliation. Edited December 20, 2015 by Try

[Ladyjane14]

The OP is not looking for a "pound of flesh", he has been looking for and not seeing true remorse.

 

Your advice does not apply to this situation because the wife has not been fully remorseful. Although, the wife may not be able to "fix this", she needs to at least try. As Ramius said so well in an earlier post on this thread, "A remorseful WW cries, begs, and pleads for a 2nd chance. They don't pout and throw a fit because other people found out. They don't move into a separate bedroom. They don't need time to figure out what they want. They do not come up with bull**** rationalizations about why they did it. Or what it means. Or what they think needs to happen to heal the marriage. In short.....a truly remorseful WW does the exact opposite of everything your wife is doing." Without true remorse, there cannot be true reconciliation, thus your option 2 is not really an option in this particular case.

 

 

Sorry, but no. In post #132, the OP tells us:

"In the first 3 months after she confessed the affair, she certainly was able to help me in the way I needed help, love and support. After 3 months, could she have just become frustrated and given up on me? Why?"

 

So, I don't agree that there's been no remorse. The wife confessed voluntarily, she's consented to having the details of her confession tape-recorded, etc.

 

The reason why a formerly wayward spouse backs off is because one simply cannot console the inconsolable, and at that point, they don't know what else to do.

 

Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On -- Together or Apart by Snyder and Baucom gives a pretty good explanation of why it's important for the betrayed spouse to keep a cool head. One of the OP's demands is that his wife tolerate his mood swings, even though he's told us she finds them frightening. Putting it mildly, that's not going to create a safe environment for healing to occur.

 

Like I said earlier, she's given him ample reason to divorce her if that's what he wants. If he wants to continue on in the marriage though, he's going to have to engage the process.

[Try]

In post #132, the OP tells us:

 

So, I don't agree that there's been no remorse. The wife confessed voluntarily, she's consented to having the details of her confession tape-recorded, etc.

 

The reason why a formerly wayward spouse backs off is because one simply cannot console the inconsolable, and at that point, they don't know what else to do.

Read again what you posted about what the OP said in post #132. "In the first 3 months after she confessed the affair, she certainly was able to help me in the way I needed help, love and support. After 3 months, could she have just become frustrated and given up on me? Why?" So the cheater gives up showing that she is remorseful, and stops doing what she needs to do to help the OP heal after only 3 months, and you think that this is true remorse? Are you kidding me? Heck she gave the affair 4 months. As for after just 3 months the cheater not knowing "what else to do", how about giving it more time?

 

One of the OP's demands is that his wife tolerate his mood swings, even though he's told us she finds them frightening. Putting it mildly, that's not going to create a safe environment for healing to occur.

Mood swings by the betrayed spouse are very normal after an affair, and will typically go on for from 2 to 5 years This is not a safety issue, this is just another rug sweeping selfish cheater not willing to do the heavy lifting for more than a just few months. Edited December 20, 2015 by Try

[Ladyjane14]

Read again what you posted about what the OP said in post #132. "In the first 3 months after she confessed the affair, she certainly was able to help me in the way I needed help, love and support. After 3 months, could she have just become frustrated and given up on me? Why?" So the cheater gives up showing that she is remorseful, and stops doing what she needs to do to help the OP heal after only 3 months, and you think that this is true remorse? Are you kidding me? As for after just 3 months the cheater not knowing "what else to do", how about giving it more time?

 

Mood swings by the betrayed spouse are very normal after an affair, and will typically go on for from 2 to 5 years This is not a safety issue, this is just another rug sweeping selfish cheater not willing to do the heavy lifting for more than a just few months.

 

Of course, mood swings are normal for betrayed spouses... and for a long time too. It's how we handle them that either helps or harms any reconciliation attempts. The OP himself has told us that the wife finds his to be frightening. If he wants to continue on in the marriage, he's going to have to exercise more self-control and help to create a safe space for communication and repair.

 

And yeah... three months of being met with reactions that have been described here as "bipolar" is a pretty long time with not much forward progress to show. It would be unreasonable to expect full forgiveness and healing; it's way too early for that. But depending on how nasty/unpredictable these exchanges are, they're further damaging a really fragile bond every time they happen.

 

There are no chains on the doors or bars on the windows. The OP is completely free to see an attorney and get a divorce. But so too is the formerly wayward wife. You can go to the Separation & Divorce forum right now and find tons of threads where the betrayed spouse never even got an opportunity for reconciliation. This guy appears to have one. The question is, what will he do with it?

 

It's not "rug sweeping" to say that a betrayed spouse has to work at his own healing. That's just what it takes... and like I said earlier, it's not fair. Nothing about this is fair. But in reconciliation, when you hurt your partner, you hurt yourself. You're going back to learning how to function in a team dynamic where you're both on the same side again.

[merrmeade]

This ^^^ is an excellent and compassionate explanation.

[Try]

There are no chains on the doors or bars on the windows. The OP is completely free to see an attorney and get a divorce. But so too is the formerly wayward wife. You can go to the Separation & Divorce forum right now and find tons of threads where the betrayed spouse never even got an opportunity for reconciliation. This guy appears to have one. The question is, what will he do with it?

This where we see things differently. You see the cheater giving the cheated on spouse the "opportunity" for reconciliation, whereas I see the betrayed spouses being the one that is giving the cheater the "opportunity" for reconciliation. This is why many of us are saying that since she has not shown real remorse, the OP should in fact "see an attorney and get a divorce". She as the cheater blew the opportunity, not him.

 

BTW, when a betrayed spouse wishes to have had a chance at reconciliation prior to separation and divorce, they are also wishing that when they confronted the cheater, that the cheater had shown full remorse and asked for such a chance.

[66Charger]

It is possible that a BS can blow a shot at reconciliation. Thats how this appears to me. Lets be honest, this BS is a whiner. And the "forced" sex tape thing?

 

Sounds a little perverted to me.

[merrmeade]

It is possible that a BS can blow a shot at reconciliation. Thats how this appears to me. Lets be honest, this BS is a whiner. And the "forced" sex tape thing?

 

Sounds a little perverted to me.

Ouch. Why? I didn't know there's a manly way to be betrayed — and another way not acceptable. You could just not read or comment on it if it makes you uncomfortable.

 

imo, ridicule works —*never.

 

There's a cultural divide here that hasn't been acknowledged or discussed. I think OP is from a culture where manly men may be sensitive, show and express their feelings.

 

I hope there's another reason why he disappeared for a day and a half.

[StormySeas]

Naively.Sensitive, you've got to dig deep and find strength. Kick her out of the house. Tell her she isn't providing YOU with what you need and YOU were the one that was wronged. You didn't break your vows. Your behaviors indicate that you are willing to try to work...but she is not reciprocating. Give her a book about affairs and tell her to read it cover to cover (and you read it too) and then you are going to discuss. She if that opens her eyes to anything. My wayward husband was shocked by learning how painful his gaslighting and trickle truth were and that many doctors liken a divorce to PTSD. It opened his eyes to my true, raw pain. That he caused. And then he started working on it AFTER I kicked him out of the house and he got to live by himself in a sad little apartment for two months. He understood that he had to answer all of my questions. That he had to provide me with all devices and passwords. That he had to let me search his emails and texts for days for the rest of our lives if that's what I needed to do. Whatever I needed, he agreed to.

 

Your wife is not helping you to heal. She is continuing to hurt you by forcing you both to live in a shell of a situation that has so much pain around it. Kick her out of your house and see if distance from you and your kids changes anything. You may not feel like you have any strength, but channel your pain and anger into conversations where you become the aloof, disinterested party. FORCE HER to try...and if she doesn't? Then you have all the answers you should ever need. If she isn't willing to fight, you guys have no chance. You just don't. Even with her fighting, reconciling is still the hardest thing in the world. But if she isn't all in? It's impossible. You're going to be a wreck.

 

I agree with others about what you can do right now...work out, eat well, focus on your kids, write, read, and just keep your eyes ahead. You can do this, and you can be more than alright. But you need to be in control of doing what you need.

[66Charger]

Ouch. Why? I didn't know there's a manly way to be betrayed — and another way not acceptable. You could just not read or comment on it if it makes you uncomfortable.

 

imo, ridicule works —*never.

 

There's a cultural divide here that hasn't been acknowledged or discussed. I think OP is from a culture where manly men may be sensitive, show and express their feelings.

 

I hope there's another reason why he disappeared for a day and a half.

 

I agree that the whiner comment was out of line, and I do wish to retract. , but I do not think most here are saying MAN UP. I think most are saying WAKE UP.

 

Sometimes you have to look at what you are doing and see that it is not working and try a different approach.

 

(I am quite sure thats your message to me also mm)

[Naively.Sensitive]

You both are very weak and damaged and looking to each other for the total fix is just not going to work. Although you each can have some impact on building each other up, in the early stages, you need to work almost exclusively on yourself. I know that she caused you great pain and she claims that you were such that you caused her pains pre-affair. Who owes who what is not the best approach for now. You are both very weak and damaged and need to do whatever you need to do for yourself to get much stronger in many ways. Then you can be of more help to each other. I know that may not be what you want to hear but that is what worked for me.

 

 

A previous posted stated the below which I think has wisdom

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Spirituality was a very important part of my recovery. My self-esteem, self-respect, security, and trust needed a real good boost in the first years after the affair. I was able to get that after years of my changing and prioritizing. Now I am not so dependent on my wife or anyone else for the majority of my self-esteem, self-respect, security and trust. I will always be somewhat depended on people for a certain position of that but if I do not get it I will not be devastated and crushed. The more that your self-sufficiency can be filled by your creator the less devastated other people can affect you.

 

I am not saying that you can be all spiritual and not need other people it is just that good spiritual health can keep you from being crushed. I remember in the first year when I ordered information on “Broken Intimacy” because I wanted to get validation that my wife had failed and damaged intimacy in such a profound way. In addition, I wanted to see if there was a damage solution and of course I was thinking that my wife had the greatest responsibility for that solution. When I got through that information I was surprised that the one question was to me. That question was “have you broken intimacy with your God?” I thought, “now wait a minute I was not the one that betrayed my spouse”. The truth was that I had not been faithful to my God and had him, at times as plan B or C or D... I come to realize that my number one obligation was to God and myself first then all the rest came later. I realized that only God will always be loyal, always love you, you can always trust Him, always have your best interest at heart, and is powerful enough to always keep His promises.

 

 

That did a lot to fulfill the hole in my heart and soul and emotions. I still needed my wife to complete the family but it was not absolutely critical for my well-being.

 

I have a good life and am close to my family despite being betrayed over 20 years ago.

 

What you mentioned above is what I have been trying to do. I have been desperately trying to reach out to God, but I realize that my faith is not 100%. It is not a 100% because of these underlying reasons:

 

1) Reaching out to God in the past has not guaranteed my well being. I have given it everything I got (100%), yet have suffered for things that have been beyond my control. I heard 2 different lines of thoughts that have confused me: a) That there is a reason for suffering in life and the reason is sometimes so that we can grow and perhaps become closer to God. b) That if we take 1 step towards God, that God would take 100 steps towards us. However, I have not felt this is true in my life. I have made tremendous effort, but have not felt relief from suffering even commensurate to my effort.

 

2) I'm a very real, down to earth person, believing in "feeling". Its becoming increasingly hard for me to believe in things I don't "feel". I have been trying to understand "emotional intelligence" and how our mind and emotions can trick us. But even if I'm aware of my thoughts, emotions and beliefs and just focus on consciousness, it seems like I'm not able to "step out of myself", because I still identify myself with my feelings. I don't understand the concept of "consciousness without feeling". Maybe I don't understand consciousness and the "focus of consciousness"?

 

I have fallen flat on my face recently, every time I have tried to even depend on God, because the pain and suffering have not reduced. If anything, the pain has increased, because of the disappointment in not having relief, inspite of reaching out to God. My life feels like a burden on most days, with mostly constant painful thoughts and suffering. I feel suicidal on many days. I feel like I don't want to experience any happiness or pleasure, because then, I would also have to pay the price for that happiness or pleasure, which is the extreme pain and suffering that I'm currently experiencing. I'm not able to build up my self worth, because it seems like the pain and suffering have now become a part of my life and its hard for me to even accept myself.

 

Sometimes, I feel the only way to recover is to completely "lose myself", almost induce myself with amnesia, wake up one day in a different country, not knowing who I am, becoming "lost" to my family, and starting life as if I'm reborn with no memories. But even that does not guarantee no suffering and pain, because suffering and pain seem to be a part of life. There does not seem to be any solution to this problem. If I don't want anything in life, that is if I don't want to experience any pain or suffering and am willing to give up experiencing happiness in return, how do I do that? How do I not experience anything in this human life? Thats what I want. What I want is nothing.

[Naively.Sensitive]

The fact is that you are trying to change her behavior based on your needs. People don't change that quickly and you certainly cant force it on her. Even if she changes, would you still be able to accept the injustice that was done to you.

 

What you say is true, except that I'm not trying to change her behavior, but just expecting a certain behavior based on my needs.

Its also not true that people don't change their behaviors so quickly. In the first 3 months, she really was there for me to help me in my pain caused by her actions. Then, she completely changed, and I have been physically and emotionally all alone for the past 6 months, left to suffer in my own misery and pain. She never used to be like that in the 15 years that I have been married to her. She did change, but in quite a different direction from what one would normally expect from a wife who cheated. She used to be submissive as a lady, not she seems extremely independent, even defiant at times. She has been promising for the last 4 months that she expects this behavior is only temporary on her part. Initially, she told me that she wanted to be emotionally and physically separate for only 1 or 2 months. Now, after 6 months of being emotionally and physically separate, she continues to ask for more and more time, and to me it only seems that she has permanently changed to be a person whom I no longer even recognize. To me, it seems that she thinks and feels that she was unhappy in our relationship because she was too submissive and that the affair also "happened" because she was too submissive (her psychologist used the phrase "stockholm syndrome" to explain what she went through). It feels like her pendulum of identity has shifted towards the other direction, in which she tries to exercise every emotional feeling of hers to exercise the opposite feeling of being submissive. In this process, she seems to have become a very self centered person, only thinking about her own feelings. She has previously mentioned this many times and has labelled me as an "emotional abuser", not realizing that I have simply just been a slightly angry young man when things didn't go as planned in life inspite of it not being my fault (e.g. I used to get upset when I was overcharged money at a store, or if there was some other injustice in life, not caused by my irresponsibility). She probably sees me as the same type of "sociopath" with whom she had the affair, but in reality, the truth is that I have never taken advantage of her, emotionally or sexually. I have always respected her, but it seems like she does not see it that way. How long can I wait for her perceptions to change? Not much longer. As opposed to her, I have always been very expressive of my needs of her. She has only recently started being more expressive of her own needs. Maybe this is a phase. We also have slightly different fundamental views about life.... I like to save money and keep my needs to a minimum. She believes in enjoying life and living more in the present, even fostering her "wants" more than I do, believing that happiness comes from satisfying as many of her wants as possible. Spiritually, I'm fundamentally a little different, because my state of happiness seems to come from just a certain sense of mental and emotional comfort, financial comfort from enough money saved for the future, and a simple lifestyle with minimal needs. Its not like we have a terrible lifestyle. We have a nice 5 bedroom home that is paid for, 2 cars (10+ year old) that are paid for, one of them being a 2004 Mercedez E500. I view life as being content and grateful. She views life as an opportunity for more sensual experiences, like traveling, etc. To me, certain sensual needs are limited to decent food on the table, intimate and passionate sex, and decent health and fitness. She probably has some material needs too, other than just those, which I can certainly accept, but I don't think I can go out of my way to have those. I would rather just retire early than satisfy more of those material needs. To be honest, her diamond ring is not such a high priority for me if, to have that, we would spend more time away from each other, working.

 

To answer your question, if she does change back to the person I'm expecting (partly submissive, very caring and loving towards me and 100% giving the relationship and me her best shot, as long as it does not erode her own sense of identity), then I'm 100% sure that I will be able to accept the injustice done to me, because I would be convinced that she really wants me and that she is willing to do anything legal and moral and ethical to keep me.

[harrybrown]

go see your attorney.

 

File for D. she keeps hurting you. She has probably not stopped the A and time for you to get your attorney to protect you.

 

She will not help you heal.

 

File now after talking to your attorney. then she can have her separation forever.

[drifter777]

What you mentioned above is what I have been trying to do. I have been desperately trying to reach out to God, but I realize that my faith is not 100%. It is not a 100% because of these underlying reasons:

 

1) Reaching out to God in the past has not guaranteed my well being. I have given it everything I got (100%), yet have suffered for things that have been beyond my control. I heard 2 different lines of thoughts that have confused me: a) That there is a reason for suffering in life and the reason is sometimes so that we can grow and perhaps become closer to God. b) That if we take 1 step towards God, that God would take 100 steps towards us. However, I have not felt this is true in my life. I have made tremendous effort, but have not felt relief from suffering even commensurate to my effort.

 

God helps those who help themselves.

[Naively.Sensitive]

This where we see things differently. You see the cheater giving the cheated on spouse the "opportunity" for reconciliation, whereas I see the betrayed spouses being the one that is giving the cheater the "opportunity" for reconciliation. This is why many of us are saying that since she has not shown real remorse, the OP should in fact "see an attorney and get a divorce". She as the cheater blew the opportunity, not him.

 

BTW, when a betrayed spouse wishes to have had a chance at reconciliation prior to separation and divorce, they are also wishing that when they confronted the cheater, that the cheater had shown full remorse and asked for such a chance.

 

This is completely and 100% true. I see myself (the betrayed husband) as giving a chance to my wayward wife, not the other way around.

The cheater did ask for forgiveness, (verbally) on a few occasions, but it felt shallow, and her actions and behaviors of abandoning me were not consistent with her remorse.

[66Charger]

Perhaps God did speak to you, but you were not istening. Then God directed you here and you are still not listening.

 

You are waiting for your wife to change and she has gone in the opposite direction. What do you expect God to do, hit her with a bolt of lightning? Thats not going to happen. Maybe he did throw a bolt of lightning and it hit its intended target. You.

 

It isnt that your faith in God isnt strong enough, it is that your faith in YOU is weak.

 

Why don't you bet on yoursef becoming stronger instead of giving her the 6 months. Give yourself 6 months to stand. Alone if need be, but a stranger to who you are today.

 

What if that was the answer to your prayers?

[Naively.Sensitive]

Perhaps God did speak to you, but you were not istening. Then God directed you here and you are still not listening.

 

You are waiting for your wife to change and she has gone in the opposite direction. What do you expect God to do, hit her with a bolt of lightning? Thats not going to happen. Maybe he did throw a bolt of lightning and it hit its intended target. You.

 

It isnt that your faith in God isnt strong enough, it is that your faith in YOU is weak.

 

Why don't you bet on yoursef becoming stronger instead of giving her the 6 months. Give yourself 6 months to stand. Alone if need be, but a stranger to who you are today.

 

What if that was the answer to your prayers?

 

Yes, this is true. I'm very weak as a person, in this specific situation. Normally, I'm very strong, but Life has presented me with the exact situation that I am most weak about. This is the opportunity for me to be stronger and as a result of me being stronger, I don't know what the final outcome will be.

My wife has a lot of guilt and low self esteem and claims that she is not able to help me heal beyond being just a basic normal wife. I explicitly told her that its not enough for me to get back feelings for her that I once had. I told her that I needed to feel 100% passionate love and sex from her, but she told me that when I don't make a 100% effort to woo her then its not possible for her to be 100% intimate with me, sex videos and all. I'm not able to make a 100% effort to woo her because I don't feel the same way about her that I once did, after the affair. So, it seems that we are stuck in a deadlock. We are making very small half-hearted efforts at reconnecting, but its obviously not been working. I hardly feel like taking her out to dinner at a very special place every week, and she hardly feels like doing much more than fixing me coffee and lunch and very very occasionally holding my hand. It seems that she feels like I'm simply "using" her to recover, but I have never felt that way about her, not in 15 years and not even now. I'm simply being explicit in telling her (when she asks me), what I will need to fully heal.

 

Maybe the solution may be in me "faking it till I make it", and wining and dining her? Or she doing the "fake it till you make it". I don't know, but we are both definitely very stuck and even the 8 day vacation (which is almost coming to an end) has certainly not helped the relationship.

 

The question is, what exact thoughts should I follow (which of them comes from God), because I get thoughts about me trying new things to recover the relationship and I also get thoughts about me already having tried hard enough (in terms of honoring my current emotional state and feelings). Which of these thoughts should I follow, because they both seem to be strong enough?

[66Charger]

Well, since you are on this forum, and you are seeking advice, read what the advice has been. It can be conflicting, but i dont think "woo her" was one of them.

 

This was mine.

 

Why don't you bet on yoursef becoming stronger instead of giving her the 6 months. Give yourself 6 months to stand. Alone if need be, but a stranger to who you are today.

 

Strength and Honor.

Edited December 27, 2015 by 66Charger