NC and ex sent text

[addition]

Hello,

 

I could use some advice. After a break up initiated by my ex girlfriend four weeks ago, I have gone 3 weeks no contact. I handled the break up well...no begging and pleading, just "if this is not what you want then you shouldn't stay..." type response. We were together for a year and a half and were and it was loving but we did argue at times (not consistantly).

 

I initiated contact one week after the break up along the lines of thinking of you and missing you and she responded back the same way but we both left our text close ended and I didn't respond back after hers.

 

Three weeks later...no contact... and she texts me tonight:

 

"I was wondering if you would be interested in getting dinner sometime. I miss you."

 

I've begun to move on... went on a date and talking to other girls. Of course I still love her, we were close... and if she was intereseted in going again I would accept her. She has her issues (depression) and i care about her and hope she's ok.

 

I am willing to accept her "invitation" but I also do not want to set myself back if that's the outcome.

 

Thank you and advice is appreciated.

[Frogwife]

I am willing to accept her "invitation" but I also do not want to set myself back if that's the outcome.

 

Thank you and advice is appreciated.

 

Unfortunately, a setback is a risk you have to be willing to take - In my life in general - love and other things - I prefer to risk and be wrong that not risk at all and always wonder.

[TaraMaiden2]

I hate to tell you this, and I know it may be difficult to hear, but she's doing this to appease her own conscience and feelings, primarily.

 

She is trying to make herself feel better about dumping you, and if you accept her invitation (bearing in mind YOU [wisely] initiated NC) she wants to determine that she can still pull you in with a 'peace-offering'.

 

In a way, she's 'friend-zoning' you.

Because if you accept, all MUST be forgiven, and you can be buddies - right?

 

Wrong.

 

Please check the NC guide. (See my signature). It outlines what breadcrumbs are, and this is one great, big rye-seed-breadcrumb with cheese topping and extra vitamin D in one....

 

If you MUST reply - and I understand how you feel it may be suitable to do so - I would seriously urge you to simply text back something along the lines of:

 

"Thanks, but I think it best to keep well away. My feelings aren't healed, and I'm not willing to just be friends right now."

 

However, normally (and even in this case) I would urge you to NOT break NC.

 

She hasn't broken No Contact.

All she's done is to throw a line, with a hook and bait.

 

If you reply - IF - then you're the one who 'breaks the surface' takes the bait and gets reeled in.

 

Not a nice place to be. Gasping for air, only to get clubbed across the head....

[Frogwife]

I hate to tell you this, and I know it may be difficult to hear, but she's doing this to appease her own conscience and feelings, primarily.

 

She is trying to make herself feel better about dumping you, and if you accept her invitation (bearing in mind YOU [wisely] initiated NC) she wants to determine that she can still pull you in with a 'peace-offering'.

...

 

Ugh - how on EARTH do you know what she is or isn't thinking? Because you've seen stories like this here? Well this is the saddest of the saddest of the sad stories all in one place. We don't see the happy/normal stories being posted. Because it happened to you? Because you've done it? Well that doesn't mean someone else is thinking or doing the same thing. There is not one person here who can say what a person is or isn't thinking.

 

If people want to live in bubble-wrapped fear of ever taking a risk, ever being wrong, ever being hurt, ever being vulnerable - well, you've got to do what you've go to do - but that is a really sad and limiting way of living a life.

[TaraMaiden2]

Not at all.

it's a way of safeguarding a fragile heart and preventing it from being crushed again because it's not fully recovered.

If he were totally moved on and didn't really mind either way whether he met her or not, then I'd say 'go for it'.

 

But why put your emotions through the wringer when you still have feelings for someone?

If you know a fire burns you, are you going to stick your finger in the flames, while it still bears a bandage from the last time?

 

If you know a pair of shoes gives you corns and blisters, do you want to try wearing them again, while you're still wearing a corn-plaster?

[Wewon]

I agree with TaraMaiden on this one, if you're looking for a wise way to handle the situation.

 

Its one thing to be optimistic, its quite another to spend your rent money on lottery tickets because "some people win".

 

She broke up with you, its a slim chance that she wants to get back together otherwise that would have been part of the text versus leaving it for you to infer her motives. Relatively fresh out of a break up most people aren't as objective as they would like to be and prone to false hope, hence why break crumbs are so intoxicating. Its critically important to know this about yourself otherwise you will never grasp the concept of not being in the proper state of mind.

 

I would personally send her a text telling her that I would like to have dinner in the spring of 2016 and catch up, as for now I'm still dealing with things.

 

If she was coming from a place of true friendship then she will understand, if she was looking for an ego boost then she will have a problem with it.

[lolablue17]

"You had the chance to have dinner with me every evening. You were the one who chose to cut it. What do you want?"

[Simon Phoenix]

We don't see the normal stories being posted.

 

Unfortunately we do. I wish many of the stories about these "friendzoning" type behaviors from dumpers weren't normal, but they are.

[Chronotrgr]

If I was in your position, I'd need a lot more than a little bit of text like that to peep my interest, she's fishing, don't bite.

[BC1980]

Unfortunately we do. I wish many of the stories about these "friendzoning" type behaviors from dumpers weren't normal, but they are.

 

I agree on this. Most of the stories on LS mirror the stories I've seen in my real life.

[BC1980]

Ugh - how on EARTH do you know what she is or isn't thinking? Because you've seen stories like this here? Well this is the saddest of the saddest of the sad stories all in one place. We don't see the happy/normal stories being posted. Because it happened to you? Because you've done it? Well that doesn't mean someone else is thinking or doing the same thing. There is not one person here who can say what a person is or isn't thinking.

 

If people want to live in bubble-wrapped fear of ever taking a risk, ever being wrong, ever being hurt, ever being vulnerable - well, you've got to do what you've go to do - but that is a really sad and limiting way of living a life.

 

Of course, we don't know exactly what she is thinking. But we can infer what she is likely thinking. The truth is that most people want to check up on or friendzone an ex to appease their own consciences. I'm not saying they are awful people or even cognizant of their motives. They likely see their actions as doing someone a good turn. I've done this same thing when I rebuffed the advances of a guy I worked with years ago. I tried to be friends with him because I thought I was being nice. I didn't really understand that I was actually making it worse for him, and the situation ended up going south and became quite awkward for both of us. In the end, he was more hurt because he felt I led him on. I was utterly confused that he felt that way and saw us as nothing more than good buddies.

[Frogwife]

I agree on this. Most of the stories on LS mirror the stories I've seen in my real life.

 

Wow, that makes me sad for you and/or the people in your real life.

[TaraMaiden2]

Wow, that makes me sad for you and/or the people in your real life.

 

Frogwife the whole point - the whole and entire reason - the NC Guide exists, is because break-ups are all too common, and people subscribe to certain patterns of behaviour.

LoveShack is essentially a forum for discussing issues and problems in relationships, how to face them, deal with them, resolve them and move on form them.

Countless thousands of people are deliriously happy in their relationships; as such, that's why they're not here.

They don't NEED to be.

 

It's only when the scatological matter connects violently with the hi-speed rotating ventilator, that those with shattered and desperate hearts come in for support.

 

And in many ways, behaviour is predictable, particularly when it comes to relationships.

There are by and large, only two camps: The dumpers and the dumped.

 

And each camp has its predictable patterns of behaviour.

(We've seen it repeated, time and time again. No matter how individual and different people are, within certain emotional parameters, actions, reactions and responses, match. Uncannily so.)

 

While I am not saying that everyone, regardless, must adhere to each and every letter of the NC Guide, it pretty well covers all the bases.

 

addition is going through his own experiences.

But we've seen the same scenario posted far too many times to count:

 

Dumpee begs, pleads, tries their level best to re-negotiate break up. No dice.

They stop, go NC and try to move on, often painfully so.

After a distinct period of silence, dumper's interest is piqued, and they try to establish contact.

Breadcrumbs are thrown.

Dumpee ask for advice.

They are constantly urged to maintain NC.

 

This scenario is played, re-played and re-played, again, and again, and again...

 

And the threads which, going against all advice, recount the subsequent disaster of the dumpee breaking NC and re-connecting with the dumper, are many and plentiful.

 

Rose-tinted spectacles have no place on this forum.

Whilst pretty to wear and an accessory many choose to adorn themselves with, they're generally discarded here.

[Frogwife]

Frogwife the whole point - the whole and entire reason - the NC Guide exists, is because break-ups are all too common, and people subscribe to certain patterns of behaviour.

LoveShack is essentially a forum for discussing issues and problems in relationships, how to face them, deal with them, resolve them and move on form them.

Countless thousands of people are deliriously happy in their relationships; as such, that's why they're not here.

They don't NEED to be.

 

It's only when the scatological matter connects violently with the hi-speed rotating ventilator, that those with shattered and desperate hearts come in for support.

 

And in many ways, behaviour is predictable, particularly when it comes to relationships.

There are by and large, only two camps: The dumpers and the dumped.

 

And each camp has its predictable patterns of behaviour.

(We've seen it repeated, time and time again. No matter how individual and different people are, within certain emotional parameters, actions, reactions and responses, match. Uncannily so.)

 

While I am not saying that everyone, regardless, must adhere to each and every letter of the NC Guide, it pretty well covers all the bases.

 

addition is going through his own experiences.

But we've seen the same scenario posted far too many times to count:

 

Dumpee begs, pleads, tries their level best to re-negotiate break up. No dice.

They stop, go NC and try to move on, often painfully so.

After a distinct period of silence, dumper's interest is piqued, and they try to establish contact.

Breadcrumbs are thrown.

Dumpee ask for advice.

They are constantly urged to maintain NC.

 

This scenario is played, re-played and re-played, again, and again, and again...

 

And the threads which, going against all advice, recount the subsequent disaster of the dumpee breaking NC and re-connecting with the dumper, are many and plentiful.

 

Rose-tinted spectacles have no place on this forum.

Whilst pretty to wear and an accessory many choose to adorn themselves with, they're generally discarded here.

 

I respect what you have to say - it's certainly not a matter of rose-colored spectacles (as we might view the past) - my advice comes from how my life has played out in its 47 years and what I've learned, through a marriage, a few long-term relationships and many short-term ones. My life, situations, relationships, ways of dealing with things are different than others, so I can only use my personal experiences and successes.

 

I have never had a need to use "no contact" to deal with things, but every person is different. If that is what some people need to do to cope with things, then that is what they need to do. If people only want to come to relationship forums to get ONE way of doing things, one way of thinking, one way of reacting - then that is going to limit the choices they have to choose from when deciding what to do. For every story of doom and gloom, I could tell you one of happiness.

 

The problem is that we only tend to see one type of story (the sad disasters) because the happy ones (and happy people) aren't going to online forums to post their happy stories. And when they do - like I have - they are dismissed and many people (like me) don't have the time or inclination to argue on the internet (hence my meager 144 posts in four years...)

 

I am glad that no contact worked for you - it's not a choice I would make, but as we say in France "vive la difference" and we all do what we have to do.

Edited December 17, 2015 by Frogwife
Paragraphs (they're nice!)

[itisdanielle]

I respect what you have to say - it's certainly not a matter of rose-colored spectacles (as we might view the past) - my advice comes from how my life has played out in its 47 years and what I've learned, through a marriage, a few long-term relationships and many short-term ones. My life, situations, relationships, ways of dealing with things are different than others, so I can only use my personal experiences and successes.

 

I have never had a need to use "no contact" to deal with things, but every person is different. If that is what some people need to do to cope with things, then that is what they need to do. If people only want to come to relationship forums to get ONE way of doing things, one way of thinking, one way of reacting - then that is going to limit the choices they have to choose from when deciding what to do. For every story of doom and gloom, I could tell you one of happiness.

 

The problem is that we only tend to see one type of story (the sad disasters) because the happy ones (and happy people) aren't going to online forums to post their happy stories. And when they do - like I have - they are dismissed and many people (like me) don't have the time or inclination to argue on the internet (hence my meager 144 posts in four years...)

 

I am glad that no contact worked for you - it's not a choice I would make, but as we say in France "vive la difference" and we all do what we have to do.

 

Hello! I hope you don't mind me butting into the conversation.

 

I've just read some of your old posts as I found it interesting to see another viewpoint. Most people are very pro NC so yeah, interesting to see different opinions. I'm not sure where I stand, I think it depends on the situation whether to go NC or not.

 

Do you think there is a difference between going completely NC vs. not contacting a dumper because they need space to process the breakup before talking? Surely both of them would have the same outcome?

 

I think I sometimes forget that just because someone is the dumper, it doesn't mean they automatically move on straight away. Sometimes they can hurt more than the dumpee and need time to move on themselves.

[Frogwife]

Hello! I hope you don't mind me butting into the conversation.

 

I've just read some of your old posts as I found it interesting to see another viewpoint. Most people are very pro NC so yeah, interesting to see different opinions. I'm not sure where I stand, I think it depends on the situation whether to go NC or not.

 

Do you think there is a difference between going completely NC vs. not contacting a dumper because they need space to process the breakup before talking? Surely both of them would have the same outcome?

 

I think I sometimes forget that just because someone is the dumper, it doesn't mean they automatically move on straight away. Sometimes they can hurt more than the dumpee and need time to move on themselves.

 

I think it depends on the situation - if someone is dangerous or abusive, by all means, cut them out! If you want nothing to do with them ever again, then of course there is no need to stay in contact. But if you want the possibility, you have to be willing to deal with uncertainty and ambiguity, even in the best of reconciliations.

 

I think everyone needs cooling-off time sometimes - I got SEVERELY, HORRIBLY and PAINFULLY dumped last year for the first time in my life - I reacted terribly to things in those first few weeks (and then some)... I definitely needed time and space to get my emotions and reactions/actions under control.

 

For me, the contact we have had since the breakup helped me move on... it helped me say the things I needed to say, have civil, friendly conversations (he even helped me move a couple of months ago) and this has helped my healing process, as has time and intense psychotherapy, which I have done as well.

 

We loved each other very much and it would have been very strange to have never spoken to each other again - so in our situation, it seemed to work... but I had to be very careful to manage my expectations and to just take things at face value - not reading anything positive or negative into something but being willing to have an "open heart and a level head". And I respect his difficulties and anger as well, letting him express them in a supportive way. And course I miss my ex at time and of course I have "bad days"... we all do..

 

When people get into this talk of "breadcrumbs" etc... there seems to be this circulating myth that all reconciliations happen when someone arrives on a white horse with a dozen roses and a boombox over their head saying "I want you back, I made a terrible mistake" as the first words out of their mouth... sure that may have happened, people have certainly made grand gestures like that - but "dumpers" are humans, too, and not always sure of themselves, sure how they might be received (especially when there has been this famous "no contact" and the have no idea if the other person is in a relationship, is still very hurt, angry, has moved on, etc) and sometimes they just want to dip the toe in with a "hi, how are you?" to see what the response might be.. and then go from there.

 

The problem - to me - with this "no breadcrumbs" is that many people may miss these opportunities at communication, opportunities to re-open the door if, in fact, that is what is being offered. Of course, we never know... maybe it's just to say hi out of friendship, maybe it's to get back together, maybe the other person themselves doesn't because people are fallible.

 

So for ME, I would choose just to find out... if I'm wrong, well, I'm wrong.... if I'm right, well, that's great. And if having a coffee or dinner with someone where the result isn't what you wanted and you are set back to zero then you are probably not mentally healthy enough to be in relationship anyway.

 

Life is about learning how to deal with disappointments and manage expectations and ambiguity... but comparing contacting an ex to touching a hot stove is not a good analogy to me, because you will ALWAYS get burned touching a hot stove but you never know what is going to happen when you contact an ex (unless they have already dumped you and come back 1/2 a dozen times... then, yeah... you should know better).

Edited December 17, 2015 by Frogwife
I am way too wordy!

[Simon Phoenix]

When people get into this talk of "breadcrumbs" etc... there seems to be this circulating myth that all reconciliations happen when someone arrives on a white horse with a dozen roses and a boombox over their head saying "I want you back, I made a terrible mistake" as the first words out of their mouth... sure that may have happened, people have certainly made grand gestures like that - but "dumpers" are humans, too, and not always sure of themselves, sure how they might be received (especially when there has been this famous "no contact" and the have no idea if the other person is in a relationship, is still very hurt, angry, has moved on, etc) and sometimes they just want to dip the toe in with a "hi, how are you?" to see what the response might be.. and then go from there.

 

The problem - to me - with this "no breadcrumbs" is that many people may miss these opportunities at communication, opportunities to re-open the door if, in fact, that is what is being offered. Of course, we never know... maybe it's just to say hi out of friendship, maybe it's to get back together, maybe the other person themselves doesn't because people are fallible.

 

And this is where your stance goes off the rails with me. I agree that most dumpers won't come out of the blue right away and declare they reconsidered the dumping. A lot of them will send out a meek "hi". But the ones that are serious won't stop at a meek "hi". They'll be mature enough to realize that they were the ones that broke the relationship, so they are going to have to come more correct than "hi" or "hi, how are you?" If a simple non-response to a "hi" causes them to give up, then how committed were they actually to trying to get back with that person? A dumper doesn't get the luxury to "feel it out". They lost that when they dumped. Doesn't mean they're bad for dumping, but once you dump, you lose the privilege of being coy. They have to be serious; no pussyfooting around.

 

Also, No Contact is for people who are in recovery, who haven't completely turned the page. It doesn't have to be permanent. If you've recovered and turned the page, then sure, respond if you want to. There is not one ex in my life who I'd feel uncomfortable responding to out of unresolved feelings. To me, a "hi" from them is simply that, a "hi". If you're at the point of not psychoanalyzing every gesture or word from them, then do what you want. But 99 percent of the dumped on here are not there.

[itisdanielle]

 

Also, No Contact is for people who are in recovery, who haven't completely turned the page. It doesn't have to be permanent. If you've recovered and turned the page, then sure, respond if you want to. There is not one ex in my life who I'd feel uncomfortable responding to out of unresolved feelings. To me, a "hi" from them is simply that, a "hi". If you're at the point of not psychoanalyzing every gesture or word from them, then do what you want. But 99 percent of the dumped on here are not there.

 

I think this is where I'm at. If I ever were to contact him, which I don't see ever happening, I would need to be at the point where it wouldn't bother me if he ignored me, told me he met someone else etc.

 

I just read some articles on 'Torontos number 1 doctor' that I saw on another thread on here. She writes that if you do want a reconciliation, no contact is the worse thing you can do. What are your thoughts on that?

 

It doesn't really make sense to me. If someone breaks up with you, and you were to get back together, surely if you were the one to do all the work to get them back that would leave an uneasy feeling when you were back together? Kind of like 'if I didn't make the effort, would he have bothered?'.

[Simon Phoenix]

I think this is where I'm at. If I ever were to contact him, which I don't see ever happening, I would need to be at the point where it wouldn't bother me if he ignored me, told me he met someone else etc.

 

I just read some articles on 'Torontos number 1 doctor' that I saw on another thread on here. She writes that if you do want a reconciliation, no contact is the worse thing you can do. What are your thoughts on that?

 

It doesn't really make sense to me. If someone breaks up with you, and you were to get back together, surely if you were the one to do all the work to get them back that would leave an uneasy feeling when you were back together? Kind of like 'if I didn't make the effort, would he have bothered?'.

 

I think she's out to lunch personally.

[BuddyX]

Don't bite.

Respond with "We're not friends. We're not enemies. We're strangers with memories".

You're looking for a partner. Tell her that. If she's willing to be your GF then go for it. But don't be Friend-Zoned.

If you pull that trigger on this dinner make sure she's your GF at the end of the night.

[addition]

Thank you all very much. I read your advice and wanted to update my scenario. I wanted to reply to her, as we did spend time together and did not want to be rude. I figured responding once and seeing where this went would be worth it. If it was not the response I was looking for, I could cut it and end contact again.

 

As I mentioned she battles depression and I knew this situation was difficult for her as well, so I responded we could have dinner sometime, but asked her what all this was about.

 

She said it wasn't about anything, but that she missed me and really wanted to see me... We texted back and forth... I made jokes but her's were more solemn and reflective. She started mentioning us being friends in her texts and this flagged, so I immediately put on the brakes.

 

I asked her if she thought it would be fair for us to be friends when one of us were dating other people. She replied no, but she hasnt and didn't want to see anyone else and if i did it would be hurtful, but it was a risk she was willing to take just to see me. I began to shut it down and she could tell i was ending it. I let her know how happy I was we met on our journey. She told me good bye and that she loved me and she was so happy she got to know me.

 

The next night she texted me again seeing if I was there. I didn't respond.

 

I was doing fine, until the night after when I was thinking about her again. I wished I hadn't broken contact for this reason. I was fine, but now felt set back. Out of impulse, I just called her while I was at work. She didn't answer. She texted me asking if she could call me back when I was out of work. I said yes and just asked her if she wanted to go to a movie with me. She said she would love to and we met up.

 

She showed up and we drove to the movie. It was funny because I went to give her keys and she thought I was trying to take her hand and she tried to put her arm around mine. It got awkward, but I did give her my hand and she took it. We kissed each other and walked into the theater.

 

She said the right things. She was sorry about everything. She's never missed anyone more. She continued to apologize saying she was a fool for leaving me but she was down and had a hard time seeing things clearly. I apologized for my role in everything. In all honesty, she could have left me sooner and I wouldn't have blamed her. She said she would try to be better and I promised her the same. We both forgave each other and agreed to trust each other fully.

 

It felt like the first time we met and I'm greatful for this chance. I think being away from me let her see that I'm not the source of her depression. I think being away from her allowed me to recognize my own insecurities and instead of learning to rectify them with someone new, I have an opportunity to be better with her.

 

She's made it clear that she wants to be with me long term...planning trips and what not. I know it's early and who knows how long these things last. I will just try to look at this as a new opportunity and appreciate the time we have together.

 

I appreciate everyone's post, as it allowed me to look for any flags. I would not have been aware of "friend zoning" and if that was her intention I could have been trapped in that situation for months. I contacted her back because I wanted to try it once...to see where the path let. But I was thinking of these responses and watching out for any surprises. Thank you all and I wish you the best.

[Simon Phoenix]

So you guys are back together? Or feeling each other out unofficially? If it's the first, cool, if it's the second, be careful.

[addition]

We're back together, officially.

 

I waited a few weeks before responding because I wanted to be sure where this was going. I was nervous about feeling each other out the first night or if it was just us reverting to comfort. But we've agreed that we are together and intend on being monogomous for the long term.

 

Who knows what the future brings, but we are together again.

[Tinkerbelll]

This thread is suggesting NC isn't always the way to go. Glad to know that sometimes people can get back together by working on the reasons of the breakup. Anyway, I still believe that some time on their our own is essential to understand what we want.

[samanil]

We're back together, officially.

 

I waited a few weeks before responding because I wanted to be sure where this was going. I was nervous about feeling each other out the first night or if it was just us reverting to comfort. But we've agreed that we are together and intend on being monogomous for the long term.

 

Who knows what the future brings, but we are together again.

 

Congratulations, I am glad it worked out for you! I also am in the process of trying to get together with my ex, and I think NC is not always the best way to go.